Prof Labsafetyfail tells me I have to go to the islands and do challenges to be the best, then starts telling me I’m special for the fact my pokemon use moves.

I think you must have a talent for drawing out Pokemon’s strengths, yeah.

Except my pokemon have the same movesets any pokemon of that level has…?

Then yeah, I’ll do it!/Um…I’m not really sure…

While I have no lack of confidence in my abilities, I do dispute his reasoning, so –

Um…I’m not really sure…

Hau: Come on! You’ve gotta do it!

Okay so first, why are you even invested in this? And second, my issue is really the crazy logic train that says my ability to tell my pokemon to use the moves any pokemon of that level has makes me special. He even referenced my pichu since it’s at the top of my current roster, and pichu has the exact same moves right now as your pichu, because they’re the same level.

Kukui: You did just come to Alola, yeah, so I guess it’s hard for you to relate to our customs, huh?

Well, yeah, that too. I’ve spent the game so far in the grip of cutscenes. First you send me to look for some guy, then I get a pokemon and go home, then I’m told to do the festival, then you send me home again, then Lillie collects me to get the pokedex. And don’t think I didn’t notice that there’s at least two areas locked off from me right now! If this trial thing is so awesome, I’ll want to do it when I come across it. Nobody ever lectured me about how I needed to go collect gym badges right this moment.

But as someone who’s dedicated my life to studying Pokemon moves, I really want to see you out there meeting all kinds of Pokemon on your island challenge.

But why does it have to be on the challenge in particular? Why can’t this be an open-ended thing where you just tell me to go meet and record lots of pokemon moves? And really, a movedex would actually be a cool addition.

C’mon and give it a shot, cousin!

YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW LABCOATS WORK.

Here! Everybody on the island challenge gets one of these island challenge amulets.

Listen buddy, I can still trade over my giant doom legendaries from the other games. Don’t think Lillie will save you from getting eaten, she’ll probably be better off if she gets this place all to herself and can do things like mow a path through the grass.

Hau informs me he also has an amulet. Alright…? If you haven’t been doing anything with it I don’t see why I should care.

I’m then told to get moving. When I ask what now, he tells me there’s a trainer’s school. God, I thought we were done with tutorials.

You’ve gotta learn the basics of being a Pokemon Trainer through Pokemon battling.

…what?

Okay, look. Even if I accept that this much of a tutorial is needed, and even if I accept that it’s unskippable, what’s the excuse for it being this drawn out? Why not just hand me the pokemon, shove me into the school, then have the festival battle? Because right now I’ve battled multiple trainers and had one battle get approval from the god you’re trying to please with these battles. Also, I’ve caught eight pokemon. I can probably beat you up in a fight.

He just keeps going on about how very hard the island challenge I refused will be and how I absolutely need to go to the school first.

Then he asks HAU what HE wants, because apparently Wimpy McCan’tfight isn’t getting strongarmed over to some dumb school.

I’m good. I just wanna play with my Pokemon!

THAT’S ALL I WANT WHY AM I TRAPPED IN THIS CUTSCENE.

I mean, un, train with them. Right!

Why the correction? This region seems the most friendly of all of them to just keeping pokemon as pets.

Lillie: The island challenge… So this is how the people of Alola connect with the world around them.

Maybe? We still don’t have much sense of cultural context because I’m just getting monologued at. With gyms, you could see this big building, you could talk to different people who’d reference its importance, etc.

Prof. Labsafetyfail then tells her to take care of me, at least until I master the rotomdex, except I could do that if you’d stop talking for a minute and free me from cutscene purgatory.

Ah, finally over. And Rotom just said something about if I need help and then it was gone.

Well, time to explore! There’s three dog pokemon – a rockruff, a snubbull, and something that looks like a hybrid and says “fluff”. I can climb up to Lillie’s loft, where my avatar flops down on her bed. Lillie also has a clefairy doll that’s worn, advanced books, and there’s a murkrow up here.

There’s a diary that looks to belong to Lillie. It has a glittering lock on the front, so you can’t read whatever is inside… Wow, I’m a jerk.

It’s Professor Kukui’s PC! There’s a picture of some Pokemon like you’ve never seen before on the screen…

And nothing pops up, so actually no, I don’t get to see it at all. Dammit game. Flavor text isn’t supposed to take the place of actually showing me the relevant image. And while I can make out one thing on the bigger screen behind, that’s a pikachu, and I’m pretty sure someone from Kanto has seen a pikachu before.

Well, onward. Lillie detours me from the directed route to show me to the pokecenter, where she remarks, I can’t stand seeing Pokemon in pain…

Pokecenters have apparently diversified even further, so now there’s a cafe in addition to the mart. Also, I have a ton of money – over thirty thousand!

I head out again.

Lillie is now by the trainer’s school. It’s a…a… What in the world?!

Hey, it’s taurosfriend again! Lillie just accepts that’s it, we’re done.

We’ll just leave that for someone else to deal with.

Little does she know that our taurosfriend already has a trainer…or DID. Where did that person go? Maybe Tauros ate him. I assume a sufficiently determined bovine could eat a person.

Rotom throws in its two cents asking if the school is for trainers or by trainers.

And somehow Prof. Labsafetyfail is here. Ah! And another female character, who he has apparently been talking to about me. He goes on to say that I have to beat four trainers. Probably not in a row, but I can hope.

Oh jesus he just handed me an exp share. NO. BAD GAME. OFF. OFF AND STAY OFF.

Lillie: You can tell me anytime that you want your team’s health restored, and I’ll help you. Seeing a Pokemon in pain makes my own heart seem to ache…

That’s very sweet of you, but…I’m right next door to the pokecenter, and that in turn is next door to my actual house where my mom heals my pokemon.

Alright, off I go…and why does it turn black when I walk through a gate? It’s like the game needs to load a new map, but it’s not that much bigger than the existing area, what’s the point?

Okay, now fighting a L7 metapod who knows tackle.

Ah, and in the grass, Alolan meowth!

Congratzzz! You registered a Pokemon in your Pokedex. It’zzz a red-letter day…and I’m about as red as anything!

See how this really seems like it’d make more sense to happen first, rather than after I’ve been running around catching pokemon?

Anyway Alolan meowth is apparently a dark type…we already have a dark type cat line. What does this add?

When its delicate pride is wounded, or when the gold coin on its forehead is dirtied, it flies into a hysterical rage.

I box it for now – but soon, my caterpie will be a butterfree, and immediately afterward, it’ll be a boxed butterfree.

A magnemite then appears and slaughters my team. The survivors level, and Caterpie in particular is no longer Caterpie. Ah, and it’s adding it to the pokedex! Perhaps, at last, we’ve addressed the issue that you don’t go straight to pokedex entries for evolving the way you do for catching?

Why don’t you check out what kind of new Pokemon your pal evolved into, eh, bucko? Zz-zz-zz!

…or maybe this is a one-off event to let Rotom talk more, I’m no longer sure.

Its shell is hard, but it’s still just a bug shell. It’s been known to break, so intense battles with it should be avoided.

Ah, that’s a really considerate pokedex entry, isn’t it.

Magnemite…and Rotom’s chiming in on this, too. For god’s sake, game, you handed me pokeballs and said to catch pokemon, why do you apparently think I waited until now to do so?

It sends out electromagnetic waves, which let it float through the air. Touching it while it’s eating electricity will give you a full-body shock.

Now another meowth wipes out the rest of my team. Time to stagger back to Lillie.

Let me take care of poor Pichu…

Lillie, Pichu is the only one who didn’t get beaten unconscious.

Please try not to push your Pokemon too hard… Um…I mean…if you don’t mind…

Lillie’s apologeticness is so sad.

Alright back in. And I found a girl preschooler. So why didn’t any of these take the place of those lasses? She’s got a bonesly who isn’t particularly effective – copycatting an electric pokemon’s electric attack won’t win battles.

I talk to an Alolan meowth – the cry sounds exactly the same as my Kanto one, but it’s written Meh heh… for some reason.

Who do you think picks up all the Poke Balls you throw that don’t catch any Pokemon? I think the real question is, why can’t I do that?

Second floor. There’s stairs up to the third floor, but the teacher is standing in my way and just keeps saying that the people I need to fight may be inside or outside. LET ME THROUGH.

Ha, final best trainer is a boy, but upon defeat, he considers if he should focus on looking pretty instead. Nicely played, game.

Then the PA system calls me to come in.

Lillie: What terrible thing did you do to get called to the office so soon?

Lillie…I thought you liked me! Why are you so mean?

Nothing!/Well…

Game I did nothing, do not even try it.

That’s what you say…

Lillie, come on!

Eurgh, and then Rotom chimes in to call me a naughty girl.

As is obvious, this is just because I’ve completed the task, and then I have to battle the teacher. She asks if I’m ready and I say yes because I’m going to take advantage of how no one’s ambushing me with healing, and she opens with a magnemite who almost beats my whole team. I just barely pull through thanks to the fact they’ve been handing out potions like candy – I stall with my pichu long enough to reduce its defense a good deal, then my rattata almost takes it out with quick attack (two thundershocks take off twenty of its twenty-two HP) until a critical hit gets it. Pikipek then knocks off the final bit of health, luckily avoiding any damage, and levels up, learning rock smash and allowing me to take out her meowth.

With that, I’m victorious! And I get some greatballs, and then some other person (“captain”) says to go do their trial, and the 3DS’s light has been doing the angry red flash throughout the entire battle so I’m trying to get through this as fast as possible but the cutscene, it just won’t end, and apparently angry tauros who blocks the road is a “local celebrity” and they’ll do something about it, and so on. And then I’m outside and everyone’s wishing me the best and so on and Lillie says she’ll keep showing me around.

You know… I was really impressed seeing how you battled with your Pokemon at the Trainer’s School… And even back when you weren’t yet a Pokemon Trainer, Bonnibel…you were able to save Nebby. You were chosen by your pokemon so quickly… I understand why now.

Oh! I forgot about Tauros!

Tauros is apparently Hala’s. Also, he says to pet it. Sure, why not? But first, Lillie, your thoughts?

Oh, Tauros…Well, at least it’s nice that the Pokemon in Alola are so lively and such a part of everyday life.

I pet him and he’s happy and Hala says you have to show pokemon the red-letter “care”.

Hau: The kahunas are are something, eh? Able to calm a raging Pokemon without even needing to battle… Now that’s something! I mean, I like Tauros plenty and all…but it is pretty scary! I don’t want to ride on it!

Hm. It’s nice to see people actually walking the walk about not solving everything by violence.

Well, time to stop and let my console recharge.