Last time, Victory Road and “rival” battle. This time, Victory Road and Pokemon League?

Oh hey zweilous.

The two heads do not get along. Whichever head eats more than the other gets to be the leader.

Not sure why they’re so sure of how cause and effect work there.

There’s some veteran woman who asks why pokemon put up with us and what we give them, but then peters out with the lame It’s something that all of us should be thinking about. so this is just idle philosophizing.

Hm, now I’m facing a cave that can only be entered with surf. That’s reasonable, if inconsistent with how trainers work in this game – everyone with one or two pokemon, no sign of HM slaves. And next to it is a waterfall, the top of which has a hiker who, illustrating my point, has a magcargo and a golem. There is no way he could have gotten to this location. This has been a problem with the game since the beginning, but it’s most noticeable now when everyone has one to two pokemon.

Right. Actually entering the cave proper, I run into yet another idiot.

Why?! My furious fists can pulverize even boulders of granite! How could I lose?! Oh? Is it because I spent so much time training myself and not training my Pokemon?

The real question is why on earth you’re here. Victory Road is supposed to be for people who don’t suck, so why am I fighting artists and idiots who spent their time punching boulders? He’s supposedly a veteran and not a blackbelt, too.

Also, if so many humans are supernatural martial artists, what’s even the point of pokemon?

And apparently that was the last minidungeon.

Like the rest of the game, the entrance to the Pokemon League is lovely and without interaction.

The water I’m standing on? You can’t surf on the deeper parts. A little ways before, there were paths leading off to either side – paths it was impossible to actually access, because why would I be able to walk on them just because they’re there? You can’t even see the whole place properly.

Well. Inside, I’m informed: The Elite Four await you at the Pokemon League. Their specialties are Fire, Water, Steel, and Dragon. Despite the fact fairy has totally wrecked the whole idea of dragon as the unstoppable ubertype. You can choose to battle them in any order you please, so all you need to do is win and move on. And we’re keeping this mechanic! I don’t know why it surprises me, but it does. Having them all be the same level made things way too easy in the previous generation, but this game has given new meaning to “way too easy”, so…

I go onward and find myself in an admittedly lovely cathedral.

You’re the illustrious Serena, are you? says someone with pink hair and actual pants. Ah, sweet validation, what the last generation lacked. Welcome at last to the Pokemon League. I am one of the Elite Four. People know me as the Fire-type-Pokemon user, Malva. Here in the Pokemon League, you’ll encounter the four of us–the Elite Four–and our Champion. If you hope to meet the Champion and challenge her here, you must first defeat the four of us.

Girl champion! Yes, it’s not the first, but we generally get them as later-game change, while here we’re getting it in the default version.

Do your bet, because if you can’t impress us with your real strength, you’ll never get to battle her. But it should be a walk in the park for you, right? The “heroine” who destroyed big, bad Team Flare.

I get the sense that you’re mocking me but all I care is that you know who I am and that I did stuff!

Also you sound like maybe you’re evil and support Team Flare, which would be even more awesome because I found the resolution there rather lackluster and a secret elite four conspiracy would really help with that.

And then she walks away.

Anyway, in the cathedral is a hooded and robed figure on one pedestal and a dog or something with long ears and tail on the other. Not sure if I should know these or if it’s just random statues. It’s all so ornate, actually, that it takes me a while to see the openings to the other rooms. Picking one at random, I end up in the Flood Chamber. Let’s do that, then.

Walking in there, I go to another room with chain and spiky gears that whirl to release water and now everything’s flooded and misty. Okay. I reiterate that if the designers want to do magic stuff, they should just do that. I’d buy the game where this added to the plot instead of being weirdness that they throw at you occasionally.

Anyway, let’s see who I’m fighting. Someone blond in white.

… … … No, I simply can’t say. You there! Young lady!

Dammit the other one recognized me.

I have a question I must pose to you. Do you think Pokemon battling can ever be worthy of being called an art?

Hell yes. In fact, I’d say part of the problem with the modern game is forgetting that we’re here for the battling and having trainers be into all sorts of other hobbies instead.

… … … Indeed. You see, cooking

Goddammit no that is the opposite of what I was going for.

No one can be the best pokemon trainer if they’re just doing this in their spare time not taken up by their real hobby!

is a type of art that disappears as soon as it is completed. Pokemon battles are the same. Even memories of sweet victory soon fade after the battle ends.

I BEAT GARY’S CHARIZARD WITH MY VENUSAUR USING STRUGGLE.

I AM NOT FORGETTING THAT IT WAS FUCKING EPIC.

To devote yourself entirely to such a life, made up of fleeting experiences–that is truly artful.

Some of us have working memories, mister.

Siebold. Water pokemon. He has four whole pokemon. L63 clawitzer. Swagger and fou play faint it without my L58 malamar getting a scratch.

(The rest of my team:
L60 aurorus, L60 xerneas, L62 mawile, L59 dragalge, L57 delphox.)

L65 barbaracle, who actually puts up something of a fight.
L63 gyarados – which really, kind of inevitable that’d be underwhelming when I beat the mega form already.

L63 starmie. Also puts up a decent fight, but to no avail.

I shall store my memory of you and your Pokemon forever away within my heart.

That’s pretty empty when you just got through telling me you have the memory of a drunken fruitfly THAT HASN’T SLEPT IN A WEEK.

Devote yourself entirely, so even that which will fade and disappear is ingrained forever upon your heart and mind!

Also I kind of saved the world, you know?

That is the only fate for any human.

What’s with this weirdo?

There are no weak Pokemon in a Pokemon battle. There are only weak Trainers. Find the good in every one of your Pokemon. Draw out the unique strengths they possess.

Why are you lecturing me when I kicked your ass?

Now step back into the elevator and return to the room from which you came.

Right then, next room. Ironworks Chamber.

This time two building-size swords fall from the ceiling into slots on either side of me, then they start turning and stuff and seriously how is this even funded?

And it’s a guy in armor. I should’ve seen that coming.

I really do not like the trend toward insane quirky. It’s presumably an outgrowth of only having a limited number of reasonable characters, but “hey what if the steel trainer wore armor” is really scraping the bottom of the barrel. Gym leaders and the elite four don’t need to be defined totally around their type in the first place, and they should be first and foremost good trainers, not themed weirdos.

Well met, young challenger! Verily am I the Elite Four’s famed blade of hardened Steel, Wikstrom! With my magnificent Pokemon at my side, I will reveal the scope of Trainer achievement! Let us both give our word that our contest shall be fair and honorable. Ready? En garde!

L63 foul keypokemon. Actually has a strategy, opening with spikes.

L63 probopass. Keeps using flash cannon without missing, somehow.

L63 scizor. It never even gets to make a move.

L65 aegislash. Huh, is that what my sword thing evolves into? It’s a close thing, but my mawile finishes it off.

Glorious! The trust that you share with your honorable Pokemon surpasses even mine!

Considering you don’t seem to care they’re all fainted, yeah, can see that.

What now? What sweet, glorious pain and joy now rock my mighty heart?

You’re a terrible character.

My will, which even shakes spears

Ha. Ha. Ha.

, trembles at so fine a battle as this! I am undone! Good lady, you are indeed our equal–and worthy to enter this lofty hall! So you have struck down two of the Elite Four! The road is still long. Do not waver now.

So I guess they say different stuff depending on how far along you are.

To the Blazing Chamber, then, and let’s see what she has to say.

This one’s actually more reasonable, just huge jets of fire. Also, it’s all reddish colored, so it looks out of place compared to the rest.

Welcome, challenger, to my Blazing Chamber! I am Malva, and I shall be your opponent today.

God her pose is terrible.

Unkink your spine already!

(You are definitely getting a post of sprite comparisons at the end of this. Progress has not been made.)

L63 pyroar.
L63 torkoal
L65 talonflame
L63 chandlure

Pretty straightforward battle.

What news… So a new challenger has defeated Malva of the Elite Four!

It’s like the game doesn’t even know she’s the one who greeted me.

Fantastic. Utterly fantastic. I’ll report to all the world the news of you and your Pokemon dominating the Pokemon League! I AM a Holo Caster star, after all.

I really wish there wasn’t such a high proportion of models and actresses among the female trainers.

Heh, I’m such a busy woman… If you beat the last of the Elite Four, you’ll face the Champion.

Well, that was disappointing. I was hoping she was going to turn out to be a Team Flare supporter or at very least give me some speech about how just because I won didn’t mean I was good enough to beat the rest so I could prove her wrong. Anything that connected to her opening comments to me instead of being totally generic.

Dragonmark Chamber.

It’s another comparatively underwhelming one – just some oversized moving bits of dragon statue, and giant incense or something pots letting out smoke. Compared to the dragon gym in BW/2, nothing to write home about.

Oh goodness, hello to you! Welcome, welcome, come in. You must be a strong Trainer. Yes, quite strong indeed… That’s just wonderful news! Facing opponents like you and your team will mke my Pokemon grow like weeds!

Not until next game when they introduce a mechanic where fainted pokemon get experience too.

She’s Drasna.

L63 dragalge.
L63 druddigon
L63 altaria
L65 noivern – so that’s what noibat turns into?

Only by the last do I need to pull out my sword-footed deer, and make it through with only two fainted pokemon in the end.

Oh, dear me. That sure was a quick battle… I do hope you’ll come back again sometime!

It was, wasn’t it.

Oh, you! You’re too much! You and your Pokemon are simply charming!

I move to go.

Oh, you’re going already? Farewell, then! You have beaten all of the Elite Four! This is just wonderful for you. Congratulations!

So now the doors up front open and I go into a whiter area that’s all lit up.

Welcome at last, dear Trainer, says the actress lady from long ago. As you must know, I am the Champion, Diantha. Oh, but you are… You’re the child I spoke to in Lumiose City and Courmarine City, aren’t you?! Then that means you are also the one that dear Augustine said… Of course! How could I–?! Oh, I must look like such a fool to not recognize you sooner! You and your Pokemon are the ones who stopped Team Flare for us all! It seems wrong of me to say this, but thank you! You saved us all…

Why would that be wrong to say?

I can’t wait to see what you and your Pokemon are capable of now that I know exactly what it is you’ve done already!

Well, that was a pretty good champion speech.

I’m a bit uncomfortable with the fact she seems so willing to step aside, but they’ve been writing a lot of these, and impressed to see me is a new thing. And I’ll definitely take it over Douchy McFlamehair and his fucking smug face.

The fight music leaves much to be desired, though. It’s all cutesy.

L64 hawlucha.
L65 tyrantrum
L65 aurorus
L66 goodra
L65 gourgeist
L68 gardevoir, who mega evolves into puffyskirtmon

That breaks my streak. I finally have to use an item during battle to revive my blade deer who got critical-hit into oblivion before she could take it out. Before this, I was just healing between battles (which was overpowered enough given I have approximately nine billion berries plus revives).

Otherwise, though, the battle was really easy despite the higher levels, probably because by not being a monotype trainer and my own team being balanced, I could swap around pokemon each time so I’d have something to counter whatever she used, rather than having one pokemon that had to keep fighting. Presumably it’d have been more difficult if I couldn’t switch whenever she sent out a new pokemon.

Witnessing the noble spirits of you and your Pokemon in battle has really touched my heart…

Same old, same old.

I-I’m so choked up that it’s hard to know what I should say, but I…I… I’m just so glad at this moment that I was good enough to be the Champion… After all, it gave me the chance to meet and battle with you and your wonderful Pokemon! Now I understand just why dear Augustine–that’s Professor Sycamore to you–said he had to get everything ready for the new Champion! He’ll be waiting for us in Lumiose City, but before I take you there… My dear Serena, would you mind coming this way with me?

And we go up.

Here we are! I’m so glad to welcome you in. This grand chamber is where you enter the Kalos region’s Hall of Fame. This is where Pokemon Trainers will live on forever, remembered always for giving their all in battle to the Pokemon League and for the glory and light that they shared with all.

I walk up.

Come, Serena… Your love for your Pokemon… And the way those Pokemon gave everything they had in battle for you… We’ll record them all right here for eternity.

Where’s this eternity business coming from?

Then there’s some text about people gathering to cheer me on a few days later, and then it’s Serena and for some reason everyone else walking down a red carpet.

Lots of talking and I get a medal, but apparently this celebration is for everyone? What did the rest of those losers do? Stand in my vicinity? Magma plume my beautiful ice longneck?

Then in the background is mysterious giant guy who wants me to battle him apparently because he “wants to know what a “trainer” is”. He’s only got three.

L60 torkoal. So fewer pokemon and lower level than any of the elite four who I just beat.

L60 sigilyph.

L60 golurk.

And somehow this makes him feel free and absolved from the fact he made a genocide gun to murder people for the war he started that got his pokemon killed. No and the fact you feel absolved by watching me beat up your remaining pokemon just proves you actually are a complete asshole. Ignoring this fact, his floette comes back and he’s really happy and I can see how this would be touching if everything else about it hadn’t been a disaster.

The professor attempts to explain that it was just waiting there for the guy to turn back to the person he used to be that “loved pokemon with all his heart” except he started a war and got his pokemon killed first, the genocide gun came out of that.

And then the credits roll and it stops on FIN instead of taking me back to the beginning.

If you don’t mind, I’m going to stop to read into this.

This game opened very well – my one problem was its inexplicable refusal to let me change outfits until I got two towns out. It’s pretty, it’s got a lot of story elements, there were very diverse areas, there’s a genocidal madman I  need to stop, no one looks past me to talk to someone else as if I’m playing just to watch NPCs get all the credit.

But by the final Team Flare battle, the game falls apart. The power plant area is the last that really has a new area, with the element of seeing pokemon and having to avoid them and the winds affecting your ability to move. After that, the environments get more samey while Team Flare’ philosophy turns out to be nonsense, and somehow launching a genocide beam makes you turn into an immortal giant who talks a lot and suddenly Holocausthair has random bug robots on his back.

And then…that’s it, apparently. The last gym town has a bunch of people discussing how Holocausthair meant well but overpopulation will never be a problem because right this instant life seems okay. The weird forest and pokemon village bit were nice, but they don’t have anything to do with the rest of the plot. And then it’s just Victory Road.

To compare to my true love, the older games, in RBY the final gym leader is still part of the story’s plot and we don’t have the whole epic stakes business – I beat up some criminals, but that doesn’t mean I’m awesome enough to beat the elite four. And it had the subplot of legendaries you’d run into in the game culminating in the Unknown Dungeon. GSC’s Team Rocket plot was even less epic, but there were other events going on with the legendary beasts and the two birds and Clair telling you you weren’t good enough.  It had a lot of different plots, so one didn’t have to carry the whole story. Either of those can work, as does BW’s decision that their epic plot was so epic it should subsume the Pokemon League part – fighting a couple non-murdery trainers after fighting the magic castle from the ground team and their destined hero with a world-shattering dragon friend is pretty weak.

But this has been the Holocausthair show, and even in the final town everyone’s still discussing him even though that plot’s very over and had a terrible conclusion anyway. And I get the feeling the game doesn’t get that – and worse, it doesn’t see why it needs any further plot, it thinks I’m still super invested and obviously beating the Pokemon League should lead into getting some medals for the Holocausthair business (which also illustrates to me that yes, I do want people telling me I’m awesome, but at a certain point it’s just patronizing and there’s no enjoyment to it – especially when my contribution was apparently as good as either of those two why are you even here losers.) followed by immortal giant having the most anticlimactic battle with me in the history of the games, which gets him his pokemon back somehow and that’s the big ending, that insane immortal asshole is redeemed.

That completes the story. That’s the big payoff. It’s back to being the NPC show. I never cared about their stupid immortal giant and his increasingly hole-filled backstory, so I don’t care now.