[22] The Other Pokereviews, Part 149

A weird story about what appears to be a self-insert replacing Lillie’s role in the plot of SuMo, a decent story about the creation of Porygon, an amusing story about an incompetent spoiled brat trainer, and a lot of grammatical incoherence.

Anime: 7

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13297852/1/Pokemon-Journeys

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13297658/1/Phione-Needs-a-Overhaul

Non-story chapters are banned on this site. Don’t post until you have story content.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13297569/1/Misty-s-Dratini

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13297267/1/Ash-s-Absurd-Act-of-Pokemon-Sex

Blocked, previously encountered. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13297205/1/One-To-Top-Them-All

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[What to choose, what to choose? She wondered]

Thoughts follow the same punctuation rules as dialogue, so this should be [she wondered], no capital.

[“It’s called Pikachu. An electric type.” The professor replied.]

Typo here.

[It isn’t “lame”, as one might think,” the professor cleared his throat]

Since clearing your throat isn’t how you say something, the narration here is its own sentence and should be punctuated accordingly. So, [It isn’t “lame”, as one might think.” The professor cleared his throat]

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13297196/1/Unovan-Adventure

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

[And once seeing a new water starter showing up at the lab, He storms off.]

Errant capital here.

[make their way through the unova region]

“Unova” should be capitalized, as it’s a name of a place.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Relatedly, you’re not named “Human”. Your pokemon characters deserve actual names. Yes, I know the Mystery Dungeon games do this. Doesn’t change the fact that it’s silly and confusing.

[Nuvema town]

All parts of a name are capitalized, so this should be “Nuvema Town”.

I don’t believe it’s actually canon that Juniper gives starters to everyone. In the games, they are personal gifts to you and your friends. They are also hand-delivered to your house, which does not match the setup you have here.

This is important, because it’s useful to consider variations on the standard setup. Everyone is already familiar with how the games’ opening, especially if they’re reading fanfic. And, yes, that includes the setup from the pokemon’s POV about how it’s sad no one picks it. To really grab your readers’ attention, you should think outside the box. What other reason might the oshawott want to leave? If you can come up with something different, you might get readers you wouldn’t otherwsie.

[New trainers could receive a Snivy, capable of using grass attacks. With enough training, they can be a powerful Serperior. They make use of their leaf tornado, leaf blade, and coil. All effective in aiding a new Pokemon trainer. Then there’s tepig. This one is of the fire type, which makes use of moves like ember and heat crash. It can evolve into Emboar gaining that fighting type as well. Both were excellent choices for a first pokemon.]

I’m not sure what the purpose of this is. This is very bland, technical information that everyone who’s played the games already knows. It’s especially odd when the reason you give for why oshawott is the unfavorite has nothing to do with this; statistically, samurott is actually the preferred one, I believe. The information you provide should be relevant to the story.

[Hes been at the lab]

Missing apostrophe.

[So whats so special about today?]

And here. You might want to get a beta reader to help you catch these.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

I should not have to tell you that “I” needs to be capitalized.

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced “ock”, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

You really need to put more effort into this. Grammatical correctness helps your readers understand the story. Not even trying to follow it is incredibly rude to them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13297129/1/The-Soldier

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13297063/1/Pokemon-Rose

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13296938/1/Aura-Wars-GoM-rewrite-First-in-NintenVerse

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13296920/1/Ash-Ketchum-the-Pokefile-Master

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13296384/1/The-Pinnacle-of-Perfection

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

[Now, he’s on his own with his trusty Lurantis]

You are generally (correctly) keeping pokemon uncapitalized, but you did so here.

[“Ah, good, you’re awake,” My older brother sighed in relief]

If you mean for the narration here to be a separate action, you should end the dialogue with a period. If you mean for “sighed” to be how the dialogue is said, then this whole thing should be one sentence, and so the narration should be uncaptialized.

[My older brother sighed in relief as he glanced over at our younger sister. She was asleep.]

Okay so hold on, Gladion tries to save the middle sibling but not the youngest and most vulnerable? Why?

[My brother was wearing red and black, perfect clothes for running away.]

Huhwhat? Aether Paradise is all white. That’s the worst possible camouflage. It also seems unlikely given what we know that Lusamine would allow him to even keep that punk outfit.

Italicizing the flashback isn’t necessary here, and just looks kinda disruptive. It’s acceptable to have a character “flash back” just by thinking about a past event and have that be part of normal narration.

[She screamed as I looked back, seeing the monster, it was white and grey]

This is a run-on sentence.

[“The Ultra Wormhole stabilizer requires the power of Cosmog to make the portal stable enough for two-way travel. It causes the thing intense pain, enough to kill it. A small price to pay for my goal…” she muttered as she typed.

“My son Gladion took Type: Null from the lab… Leif was his unwilling compatriot and alerted the employees to his treachery. He, unfortunately, got away,” she continued.]

You don’t need to make a new paragraph for every new line of dialogue, only if there’s a subject change. Since a new paragraph often means a new speaker, it’s actually clearer to keep the speaker’s lines all in the same paragraph if you can.

[“Why? Why would you hurt an innocent pokemon? All to open a portal to places where we don’t belong and understand?” I questioned, my fear going on overdrive.]

“Questioned” is what police do; it’s a synonym for “interrogated”, not “asked”.

[“I wish it didn’t have to come to this… but, you leave me no choice! Bewear! Attack Leif!”]

It seems really OOC for Lusamine to jump to murder this quick. She’s obsessed with preserving beauty; destroying it is antithetical to that. It took an extreme amount of explicit defiance for her to unperson her children, and even then she didn’t seem willing to outright murder them.

[“Wherever the wind takes me, I guess… See you around, Wicke. Take care of Lillie for me!”]

Why can’t he take Lillie with him? Why is there no acknowledgement of how horribly selfish it is for him to leave the youngest and most vulnerable person alone with the abusive psycho?

This is decent, but very simplistic and contains several punctuation errors. I recommend reading a grammar guide and/or getting a beta reader to help you. You should also consider varying your sentences and adding more detail to them; a lot of your narration right now is just in the vein of “character did a thing” or “character felt a thing” with little in the way of additional detail. Slow down, and think more on how you can help us get into a character’s emotional state. Show, don’t tell.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13296311/1/Hydra

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13296282/1/Storm

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

[route 110]

This is a name, so it should be capitalized.

[The manectric, whose name was Alpha, was not only the leader of the pack, but also the father of all of the electrikes.]

That can’t possibly be genetically stable.

So, while I understand the need to provide this information to the reader, this sort of infodumping isn’t a very engaging opening. I feel like I’m reading from a textbook rather than a story. It would be stronger if we started the story from Eight’s perspective and learned about these aspects of his life as he experienced them; show, don’t tell. It would also provide a mystery, and therefore a hook, if we didn’t know why Alpha created this strange setup to begin with. Laying everything out up-front takes some of the magic away.

[“Who do you think you are?” asked Electrike number ten in a teasing tone.

“I’m dreaming of becoming a powerful manectric,” replied Electrike number eight, starring at his reflection in the water.

“Well that’s never gonna happen because you’re basic,” shouted Electrike number nine.

“And easy,” added Electrike number seven.

“You’re always traveling in the back of the pack,” teased Electrike number five.]

This seems to contradict the idea they’re all acting like clones, unless they too are disobeying that rule when Alpha isn’t around to see. Bullying requires a lot of individuality; even in the typical posse-with-leader setup, everyone tends to have unique roles. At the very least, coming up with your own taunts is an individualist act.

[Alpha noticed and watched the bullying on Electrike number eight. He knew that Electrike number eight wasn’t following his rule, but thought that all of the teasing would convince him to change himself to be more like the rest of the pack. Now it seemed that being bullied by his siblings wasn’t going to convince him to finally start following Alpha’s rule. Alpha knew he had to do something about it.]

See, this is very simplistic storytelling. Now we can’t speculate on what Alpha thinks of Eight or what he’s going to do in this next scene, because you’ve told us everything. Readers will be more engaged if they have to figure out some of this stuff themselves by analyzing characters’ subtle words and behaviors.

[“But Dad-,” Electrike number eight started.]

You don’t need a comma here; the dash is sufficient punctuation.

[which could mess up the whole pack!” Interrupted Alpha.]

Dialogue rules remain constant regardless of punctuation, so this should be [which could mess up the whole pack!” interrupted Alpha.]

This is all very wooden. Ironically, Storm feels like he has less personality than the others. My best advice for you is, again, show don’t tell: try to make us feel what Storm is feeling.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13296161/1/Take-What-s-Yours

Human characters. Not blocked.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13296102/1/In-Beta

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

[Evan’s dark blonde hair stuck to his forehead.]

You want “blond”. “Blonde” is the feminine form.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[The failed tests bugged him. What would that mean for Project Porygon? It was just going to be a robot AI, but something about it bugged him.]

I feel like “bugged him” is repeated too quickly here; you may want to try rephrasing.

[Sometimes it felt like it changed itself when he wasn’t looking, like the little twitches of an embryo of zeroes and ones.

Evan shook his head. That was silly.]

It shouldn’t be that silly – we’re working on self-changing code and neural networks even today, and the Pokemon world is clearly more advanced than our own.

[ERROR: ” ” is missing or has been corrupted.]

Is this supposed to be a blank space, or did FFN eat some symbols?

[“Servers still running hot.”]

Missing apostrophe?

Interesting. The opening is a little slow, but the interactions with the porygon itself are quality. I’m surprised to see this marked complete, though – I feel like there’s something I’m missing.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13295715/1/EOrRRoR

[Today, the most popular is the Nintendo-owned timeless classic “Pokémon”]

Missing punctuion here.

[Why play games when you could live, breath, and die inside of them?]

You want “breathe”. “Breath” is the noun.

I’m not sure if this introduction is necessary; a lot of this stuff isn’t very hard for readers to just accept as a setup for the story. I’m more interested in getting straight to the action.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13295715/2/EOrRRoR

[A small clouds of dust]

Something went wrong here.

[‘Shit’]

Missing punctuation.

[The woman who had just left had once been James’s Mother.]

“Mother” isn’t a proper noun here and therefore should not be capitalized.

[The only answers he and his team at GOKIA had were rapidly become lame excuses.]

“Becoming”. You need to proofread more thoroughly.

[Next week GOKIA would be expecterimenting once more]

Is that a word you’ve made up for the story, or a typo?

[The woman who spoke was a rather plain-faced senator from the UK]

The UK doesn’t have senators. The term you want is MP or member of parliament.

I’m afraid I don’t find this a terribly interesting opening – the summary made me expect a more typical pokemon adventure, and I’m not terribly interested in technobabble cyberpunk politics.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13295682/1/Pokemon-Academy

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

[I’m choosing to focus on a rather underrated part of the Pokemon Lore. The trainer school.]

…What fanfic have you been reading? Trainer school fic is one of the most common genres here. The archive is positively glutted with the stuff.

Relatedly,

[Rewrite of an older fic, this is a story focusing on the much overlooked trainer school. I always found it to be a fascinating piece of lore worth exploring and I’ll do just that. Join me on this journey]

Summaries should tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

While it’s good that you’re not capitalizing the word “pokemon” itself, you shouldn’t capitalize species names either, for the same reasons.

[As sunlight rolled through the plains, and the Blazikens began to caw, the loud but all too familiar sound entered the ears of the ten year old boy, who had been deep in sleep. As he was, but today was special and Jonah wouldn’t let this day pass by as normal. His innocent eyes were coaxed open, by the soft light sneaking through the blinds.]

This is overwrought and extremely disorganized. Your sentence structure is bizarre and several clauses feel like they were awkwardly stuck on after the rest of the passage was written. You might want to get a beta reader to help check that the writing flows properly.

[Alright! It’s today, it’s today, no time to waste]

Missing punctuation.

Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, thousands upon thousands of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.

[Jonah had by now walked the halls of his home, a two story house, which had two bedrooms, and likewise two bathrooms. One of which was upstairs, and was in spirit Jonah’s personal bathroom. He was rather efficient at cleaning himself, as his father had taught him well. The fact Jonah often played outside with the farm pokémon didn’t hurt, as he was dirty often and had become proficient at cleansing his body of unwanted odors and dirt.]

Like, really. Is this information relevant to the story? You don’t have to painstakingly document every moment of a character’s life. It’s fine to elide over details that won’t matter to the main plot.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[“Jonah, that’s a very silly thing to say, a pokémon is how you use it, there is no “girl” or “boy” pokémon, and you’d be wise to not underestimate any”]

And when you quote inside a quote, you use single quotes instead of double quotes; otherwise, the reader will be confused about where the dialogue ends. (If you quote inside a quote inside a quote, you go back to double quotes.)

Well, that ended abruptly.

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. Start where your plot starts; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event.

There’s a reason most trainer school fic starts with the character already at the school, and that’s because stories should focus on what they’re actually about. If Jonah’s background and family are going to be crucial to the plot – for instance, if you’re doing some kind of fish-out-of-water country-boy-goes-to-big-city plot? – then it makes sense to spend a chapter establishing what his normal life is like. But currently, his life just looks very standard, the kind of stuff we could assume or piece together from a few offhand lines of narration. If the school is what you want to write about, you can just start there.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13295494/1/Re-Another-Member-Of-The-Family

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13295480/1/Eve-s-journey

Blocked, new user.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13294995/1/Pok%C3%A9ronpa-Killing-Graduation-Trip

Blocked, vaguely familiar.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13294936/1/Parent-of-chaos

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13294820/1/A-POKEMON-WORLD-SELF-INSERT-THAT-WENT-SOUTH

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13297883/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-love-friendship-and-romance

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

You really need to learn more of English grammar. This is nearly unreadable. There are several websites such as Grammarly and Grammar Girl that can help you.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13297896/1/Spirit-of-Love

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13297936/1/Hotarumon-14

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13299294/1/Pokemon-Dark

Not using paragraphs makes me not want to read your story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13299282/1/Scarred-Childhood

Including author’s notes in the middle of a story is not a good idea. Stories run on immersion and suspension of disbelief; interrupting the story and pointing to the wires shatters that, much like an actor breaking character in a theater production.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

Adding real songs into your story is not allowed on this site. Generally, it’s unnecessary and distracting; you can just say the song was playing, if the exact name is necessary at all.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13299192/1/Things-get-Real

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13299115/1/Learning-from-Lusamine

Blocked, previously encountered. Also, ew.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13298981/1/Once-Upon-a-Jigglypuff

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13298949/1/Storm

Blocked, previously reviewed, repost.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13298817/1/Almost-a-Man

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13298796/1/Trouble-on-the-Water

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

[Hooonk hooonk]

Sound effects like these should be used sparingly in prose, and always on separate lines.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[Said Kyle Parish rushing to finish his orange juice.]

This needs a comma before “rushing”, as it’s a separate action. You have several more of these errors throughout; I recommend reading up on sentence structure.

[The luggage they brought had already been checked in and should be waiting for them]

“Should be” is present tense; you’d need to add something like “should have been” to make it past.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[When you guys lose all you’re stuff]

You want “your”. “You’re” means “you are”.

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced “ock”, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

[Kyle said, “You know that Ratticate is being abused. It’s clearly a much higher level than that Ivysaur was and it was just forced to take those attacks. It’s ridiculous.”

Ed could see his friend was getting worked up. Kyle, despite his playful exterior, had a bleeding heart when it came to Pokémon. “Dude, calm down.’ Ed said, ‘This is an official licensed cruise line. If a Pokémon was being abused the PPA would be all over them.”

“The Pokémon Protection Alliance? This is out of their jurisdiction. I have half a mind to…Wait. Why are you laughing? This is a serious issue.”

Dan had joined in on Ed’s laughter, but Ed was the one to explain, “We know you got a hard on for Poké-rights, but I think you might have a bigger one for that Billi girl.”]

That’s a very disappointing sidestep of an interesting issue. I’d very much like to see more of the state of pokemon rights in this world and the context for how correct Kyle is here, but if we’re not actually supposed to care it’s pointlessly distracting to bring it up.

This is certainly different than usual, and your dialogue feels quite natural. I feel your description is lacking, though. You use very simple, repetitive sentences that say little more than “This thing happened” and “This thing had physical traits X, Y, and Z”. I recommend challenging yourself to inject more art and feeling into your narration; in third-person limited, how the viewpoint character sees the world can tell us as much about them as how they talk, so it’s a useful thing to explore.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13298773/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-a-new-journey-in-a-whole-new-region

Blocked, new user. They actually got multiple reviews thanks to someone else criticizing Sevenways, thus triggering a tantrum.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13294719/1/The-Road-to-the-Championship

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[There was always someone more stronger than him.]

The “more” is unnecessary here.

[The exhibition matches are too few and Mark has started to become tired]

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be too.

[He missed challenging trainers to battle on the roadside. As champion, he only competed in exhibition matches occasionally, while having the opportunity to spar with the Elite Four for training. The exhibition matches are too few and Mark has started to become tired with facing the same four trainers for close to two years, even though they were top of their class. His one hope for a good battle was when the Indigo League Conference came to a close. The winner had to face the Elite Four to face Mark, and unfortunately, Lance defeated him.]

This seems like an over-literal interpretation of the game mechanics. We see champions having their own lives and faffing around as early as Gen 2 with Lance’s whole vigilante act. Every champion since has been shown wandering the region, having a hobby, and battling outside of the championship matches. We can probably apply real-world logic here: do sports champions sit around doing nothing except for one match every year? No way! They’re bandied about to lots of events, and get to spend their downtime going on wild benders with their giant piles of money. It doesn’t make a lot of sense to me that they’d waste such a valuable battler by locking them away, or that this guy would be the first to bail on such a bleak existence.

[Noah, the oldest of the group at fourteen year sold, was a tall teen with curly blond hair, green eyes, and a surfer’s tan. He wore a blue floral shirt, khakis, and sandals.]

So, description is tricky to do in an engaging way. Notice how these sentences do absolutely nothing to advance the narrative; you’ve brought the story to a screeching halt to tell us these things, and you’re going to jerk us back into motion just as suddenly in the next. These sorts of “start-stop” moments are things you should try to avoid. Though it’s difficult, you should try to incorporate description into an action, or wrap it in imagery that’s thematically relevant to the character or scene. Give it layers, basically.

This entire opening has a similar “start-stop” feel to it. Rather than telling us these characters’ bios up-front, it would be more interesting for us to get a feel for them through their actions and behaviors; show, don’t tell. For instance, you could *show* Noah being calm during a heated conversation or a battle later; you could *show* Jared rattling off little-known pokemon knowledge; you could *show* Celena’s odd behavior, and so on. This helps make the characters feel more like real people, rather than, say, figures from a textbook. (You do a little of this in the following conversation, but they still sound very alike since they’re talking about a generic subject.)

[“I’m not sure,” Jared took out his notebook.]

You’re generally formatting dialogue correctly, but when a speech tag doesn’t contain a speech verb, it’s considered a separate sentence and is punctuated accordingly. So this would be [“I’m not sure.” Jared took out his notebook.]

[The two brothers were outside the city limits of Goldenrod City. It was the only place where Henry could have his Pokémon, Onix, out safely. Despite his large size, Onix needed time out of his Poké Ball. It was a nice day out with a gentle breeze and sunlight coming down on the two brothers. Henry was sitting on top of his Pokémon with his back resting against Onix’s headfin. Jason was down on the ground, looking up towards his older brother. Onix was coiled up on the ground, taking a nap.]

This is a cute detail.

[“It sounds to me like you should go to Kanto then,” Henry told Jason. “I’ll be rooting you from home.”]

Kanto and Johto share a league, though.

[Mom and dad were both ace trainers]

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one. Also, I appreciate that both the mom and dad are trainers.

[And you would just neglect our family tradition? Can’t you tell that training and battling is in our blood?]

This strikes me as a bit of a weird thing for a fifteen-year-old to say; teens aren’t usually that conscious of or invested in ancestry. It’s not impossible he would be, but it would brook comment.

[The Silva’s were big names]

The apostrophe isn’t necessary, since this is actually a plural.

[He stood up straight, a foot taller than his brother. While Jason was more slim, Henry was bulky. Their size were the only different thing about the brothers, who had the same blue eyes and brown hair. Whenever he wasn’t reading a book, Henry was usually taking part in some physical exercise (usually rock climbing). Jason was quick on his feet, but other than that, he definitely wasn’t up for a physical confrontation. Henry, on the other hand, wasn’t afraid to throw down with some thieves when it came down to it, especially if it meant protecting his younger brother.]

This is an example of the good description I was talking about earlier. See how you tie the physical details into their characters, and use them to contrast the two. That’s relevant character detail.

This is a more detailed and interesting setup than most trainer fic, though I’m concerned about its endurance, especially since you’ve had to restart it once already. The Pokemon games are not well-suited to novelizations, as their plots are largely just vehicles for making you fight a bunch of battles which, while cool in a game where you’re actually playing through them, are not interesting to read about. I do hope you’re planning to diverge quite heavily from canon and introduce a ton of unique elements of your own. You have a lot more characters, but that’s only going to carry you so far, especially since they all appear very generic at the moment, with the exact same motivations. The only real plot here is the scene at the end, but there’s not a lot of emphasis on it so I can’t tell how important it will be to the overall story.

Overall, I think it’d be good to give a slightly clearer idea of what, precisely, this story is about, and what kind of story you’re going to tell. Right now it looks like it could go in a lot of directions, which doesn’t do much to hook people looking for a specific thing.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13294249/1/Belch

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13294066/1/GENETICALLY-ENGINEERED-GIJINKA

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13294035/1/A-Torchic-and-His-Loving-Family

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13293448/1/Molly-Hale-Gets-Adopted

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13293360/1/Breaking-the-Silence

Blocked, Farla previously reviewed. “I want to promote a culture of positive encouragement, constructive criticism, learning from each other, but also just having fun with some great story telling with the fandom that brought us together!”

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13292870/1/The-Learning-Curve

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[The boy raised an eyebrow, and Robbie immediately realized how stupid he sounded. “Well, I’m Robert Montclair. But everyone calls me Robbie.”

When the boy still didn’t react, Robbie asked, “Who are you?”]

I feel like these should probably both be in the same paragraph, since they’re not really different subjects.

[Or another kind of criminal,” Cal’s face was stern.]

When a speech tag doesn’t contain a speech verb, it’s considered a separate sentence and is punctuated accordingly. So this would be [Or another kind of criminal.” Cal’s face was stern.]

This is a cute and unusual opening! I love seeing rich snobs get comeuppance, and it’s a bold move to have the main character lose their first battle. I feel a little bad for Cal, though. He should milk this!

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13292870/2/The-Learning-Curve

[It did not smell like the garden at home, but earthy and like, what he imagined was, the smell of wild Pokémon poop.]

Commas don’t work for the aside here – a parenthetical, like [earthy and like (what he imagined was) the smell of wild Pokémon poop] sounds closer to what you want.

[Professor Sycamore had told his father that the Pokédex was not, and would never be, for sale.]

That sounds odd – Sycamore is one of the few professors who gives them out as a regular thing, and by the time of SuMo it seems like pretty standardized tech. It seems like it would be hard to do much training at all without a computational tracking device of some kind.

[“Use Quick Attack!” commanded Robbie.

“Brace yourself with Defense Curl!” called Brianne. The Quick Attack did hit Bidoof, but it did not do as much damage as it would have.]

I think you should describe these moves more; battles aren’t very interesting when they’re just mechanical exchanges of attacks, even though that’s how it works in the games. Take a glance at the anime and manga for some ideas of how to make things more dynamic – you do a bit of that with using Quick Attack to dodge, but you’ll get more engaging battles if you apply that level of description to every move.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

This was also cute, though the swerve into serious drama at the end was quite abrupt. I’m not entirely sure where you’re going with this – I feel like there’s still a lot of potential in the adventures of spoiled kid and long-suffering big bro mentor.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13292771/1/Pokemon-High-School

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13292613/1/Pokemon-Gemstone-academy

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13292564/1/Get-Over-Yourself

Blocked, previously reviewed by Farla.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13292483/1/A-Legacy-of-Burnt-Sienna

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[Eventually the author had a stroke due to shitty, forced purple prose overdose and we had to put writing on hiatus until we could replace them with someone who isn’t retarded.]

Slurs are not nice things to include, and if you find yourself writing about how stupid your story is, that’s a sign your readers aren’t enjoying it either. Self-deprecation isn’t a fix.

[**Approximately two years later**]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

Random addition of sex and drugs is not nearly as clever, original, or interesting as you think it is.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13292418/1/Red-Summer

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13292217/1/Departure

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13291826/1/Flameswater-Part-I

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

You’re jumping between past and present tenses in places, which is very disorienting. Make sure to keep tense consistent.

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

[She finished school with straight As except for that one B- for PE in her seventh grade.]

[The cops found her at an abandoned warehouse.]

You’re writing like these are humans. If you’re going to write about pokemon characters you need to think about all the ways they’d function differently. The only supernatural element you have here is a magic soap opera disease that could easily be regular cancer. Right now, this grungy crime story starring magic animals is just bizarre.

Even aside from that, this structure is bizarre. It’s incredibly jarring to interrupt the present-day story to give long backstory exposition, doubly so when it’s just an unrelenting string of misery about someone who’s not even the main character. We really don’t need to know every detail of how Lizbeth got to this point; it’s clear enough that someone in the position we find her in doesn’t have many other options. This also ends very abruptly.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13291583/1/The-Work-of-a-God

Blocked. Says this is a repost so I might have encountered them before.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13291503/1/The-Forgotten-Leek

Human characters, not blocked.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13291437/1/Enter-Winding-Paths

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

[So make conscious choices, and tread purposely because life offers many detours]

I think there should be a comma before “because” here.

[“It’s cause we’re poor.”]

“‘Cause” needs an apostrophe here, ’cause it’s a contraction.

[his older brother correct.]

Typo.

[“Are we here?” Leandro analysed]

Really not what that word means. You’re overusing uncommon speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever fancy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

I’d say you’re also overusing epithets (“the oldest”, “the youngest”) in this scene; with how much dialogue is being bandied about, it becomes hard to keep track when we haven’t even gotten a description for anyone yet. It might be a good idea to add the names earlier.

[I can get them their stuff, Professor Birch had to go put out a fire,]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

This is a quite decent opening; you have events happening quickly and a set of characters with personality. However, I feel your prose is a little dry; you describe things in detail, but there’s not much emotion to it. Most of it is simply “The object had physical traits X, Y, and Z” or “An action happened and had this effect”. To increase reader engagement, try to find ways to inject imagery and feeling into your descriptions, so they can tell us about how the narrator sees the world.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13299497/1/Tea-Party

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

[“You’re just sitting there, enjoying the sun?” Mewtwo took a sip of his tea.

“Yup.” Darkrai awkwardly slurped at his.]

This makes it look like Mewtwo and Darkrai are saying these lines; the new speaker-new-paragraph rule is an extension of the rule that a new subject requires a new paragraph, so whoever’s speaking is assumed to be the subject of the paragraph. If you’re changing subjects again, it’s clearer to make another paragraph break.

[“…”]

This is a visual art convention and doesn’t work in prose.

[near it’s mouth]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13291286/1/Ash-Ketchum-Pokemon-Master

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

[A rewrite of Ash’s Pokemon Journey, he probably will catch legendaries and catch new pokemon.]

Summaries should tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[And Pinsir is DOWN!The]

Missing space. You have several others throughout this; preview your story to make sure you’re not running into formatting errors.

[(Ash will still be late, but for a different reason)]

Including author’s notes in the middle of a story is not a good idea. Stories run on immersion and suspension of disbelief; interrupting the story and pointing to the wires shatters that, much like an actor breaking character in a theater production.

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13291128/1/Goodnight-Moon

Blocked; this is the guy who’s writing pokephilia romance for every single pokemon.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13299937/1/Pokemon-Adventure-Series

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

[all people and pokemon live as one]

You are aware this is saying pokemon are not people, which rather undermines this message?

[tons of legendarys normal life]

Plural possessives use the plural form and an apostrophe on the outside. So this should be [tons of legendaries’ normal life].

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[Millions of years ago, Earth was created]

Really? That’s an awfully young cosmology. Earth is over a billion years old in real life.

[-Now-]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

In general, this is really messy and hard to follow. Your sentences don’t make sense and you’re dropping a lot of punctuation. You need to read up on grammar.

One Comment

  1. CrazyEd says:

    Blocked; this is the guy who’s writing pokephilia romance for every single pokemon.

    … Gotta fuck ’em all?

    I’m sorry.

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