I suppose it was inevitable we would return to FFN. Originally, I just planned to continue The Great SYOC Shadow War, but since I had to skim stories anyway to see if they were SYOC seriously people if you’re going to make bad decisions at least tag it properly, I figured I might as well do some reviewing too. I’m putting a lot less effort into this than Farla so most of my reviews are just copypasta, but if you’re really jonesing for pokereviews you can get your fix here.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11934859/1/The-Enigmas-of-Land-Sea-and-Sky
Use paragraphs. A story that’s nothing but a giant block of text is very off-putting.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11929618/1/The-Sinnoh-Journey
This is far too short for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. General setting information does not do that. This is something that should probably go at the start of your first chapter, or in supplemental information on your profile or something.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11944300/1/EPIC-BATTLE-SERIES
Nonstory chapters are banned.
This also doesn’t seem like a terribly good idea for a story. Battles are not intrinsically interesting outside of visual formats.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11947720/1/Kaden-s-Pokemon-Adventure
You should use paragraphs to make your story easier to follow. An unbroken wall of text is intimidating and off-putting.
More punctuation would also help.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11949723/1/Pokemon-New-Dreams
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part iis/i considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11950350/1/A-Song-Played-in-E-Minor
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part iis/i considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11951933/1/Pokemon-Hijinks
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part is considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11952977/1/Ash-s-Johto-Hoenn-Sinnoh-Unova-League-Matches
This is not a story. Also, posting chapters as separate fic is against the rules.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11954630/1/Yuniku
Use paragraphs. An unbroken wall of text is intimidating and off-putting.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11954442/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Legend-Book-1-Beginning-of-a-Legend
Labeling flashbacks is extremely jarring; you should aim to avoid such artificial markers, as they break immersion. Flashbacks should be obvious from context.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11955536/1/A-Boys-Dream
Centering all your text makes it difficult to read.
This is a mess. Use punctuation and paragraphs and get a beta reader.
[team rocket…/p]
Also, proofread.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11955448/1/Vote-Ghetsis-2012-I-mean-2016
This has nothing to do with Pokemon, and is a mess besides. Learn how to write dialogue.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11955486/1/PMD-One-Wish-Reboot
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Cass was laying in the soft, earthy ground. He gradually regaining his consciousness. Cass felt dizzier than a Spinda. He could hear muffled voices ringing out near him. He couldn’t quite make out what exactly they were saying.]
This is a bit awkward (and you seem to have mixed something up in the second sentence). Short, repetitive sentences like this aren’t interesting to read and make everything blur together. It’s a good idea to vary your sentence structure (especially the beginning of sentences) and create longer, more complex sentences. This will engage your reader more.
[Cass felt the grass to his body]
? In general, you need to proofread more.
[The voices suddenly adapted a worried tone.]
You want “adopted”, not “adapted”.
[Cass could now somewhat make out their words.]
Except their dialogue was already clearly stated before this, which creates something of a disconnect. If this is third-person limited (told from Cass’ point of view), then his perception should determine what the readers know. What you have here is more like third-person omniscient, where things can happen and be known to the reader even if the characters are unaware of it, but that’s trickier to pull off consistently and is generally more confusing.
[Cass pondered this question and it just seemed rather redundant to add “hind” to describe his legs.”]
Stray endquote, and this is also incredibly stilted. Someone who’s confused and in pain shouldn’t be thinking so clinically and eloquently. Plus, everyone reading this knows what the twist is going to be; it’s more graceful to get to the point than make people read through the whole song-and-dance for the hundredth time. (And yes, I assure you there are literally hundreds of stories with this exact same opening.)
[Then Cass felt strange. It was as if the body he was currently inhabiting wasn’t even his own.]
Why didn’t he feel like this from the start?
[He had never seen one in his home region of Hoenn, but he happened to be familiar with them.]
…How? Like, seen in a book? If he’s seen one in person that’s an important and unusual detail you should include.
[Through proprioception]
Five-dollar words do not automatically make writing better, and should generally be avoided unless you really can’t describe something without them. This is just kinda jarring; besides, why would a random dude know obscure medical jargon?
[“Hold still,” ordered the Sylveon.]
Ooh, you’re writing dialogue correctly, though! I approve.
[The Fennekin was the first to speak, possessing the female voice.]
This is a bit unclear; it would be best if you said more explicitly that it was the female voice from before.
[“Are you sure didn’t also hit your head?” Vince questioned.]
“Questioned” is what police do; it’s a synonym for “interrogated”, not “asked”. Don’t overuse unusual speech verbs just to spice things up; the fact that normal speech verbs are bland and invisible is a good thing.
Overall, this is pretty generic, and the writing style doesn’t fit the events very well. The narration is extremely stiff and clinical, which is a mismatch for this situation. An injured person waking up in a new body in a new world that turns everything they thought they knew on its head should be a lot more freaked out, and shouldn’t be composed enough to dispassionately analyze everything. You also veer too close to summary rather than narration in places – the dream, for instance. Your narration of events shouldn’t sound like “a thing happened, then another thing happened” – that’s boring. What do these events look like? Are there any important details? Emotional connections? What does the narrator think of them? Including things like that will make the story more engaging.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11955109/1/Pokemon-ArcLight
Why are you writing this as a TV script?
[“All right Froakie, use Water Gun!” Corey command Froakie to use Water Gun on Bunnelby. “Bunnelby, use Mud-Slap!” the trainer’s Bunnelby used Mud-Slap and the moves cancel each other out. “You can do it, Froakie! Use Pound!” Froakie uses Pound and it hit the trainer’s Bunnelby.]
This is not interesting. You need to actually describe what’s going on. I would advise reading this: topic/11834/143300790/1/Battles-Are-Boring
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11955968/1/Pok%C3%A9-Academy
Script format is banned. You’re an author, not a screenwriter.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11957723/1/Son-of-the-Rocket
Centering your text makes it difficult to read.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11960660/1/The-Feeling-Halfling
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or essence.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part iis/i considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.
[*months later*]
This is really jarring and clunky. It’s best if you write proper transitions.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11960523/1/Recovery
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part iis/i considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.
[but at this moment she didn’t missed them.]
Something went wrong with your verb agreement here.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11960309/1/The-Clan-Wars-of-Sinnoh
You’re dropping commas and forming run-on sentences all over the place. You should read up on proper comma usage and/or get a beta reader.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or type.
Trainers start at 10 in canon, which rather lowers expectations for a 16-year-old trainer. If a 10-year-old could handle the difficulties of a pokemon journey just fine, a 16-year-old going through the same hurdles isn’t going to be very tense or engaging.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part iis/i considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking to themselves, which is confusing to the reader.
Also, a new speaker means a new paragraph.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11960151/1/Stormy-Hearts
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
This is far too short for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. This is just the literary equivalent of an establishing shot; it doesn’t tell me anything about what the story itself will be like. This sort of thing should be part of your first chapter, not stand on its own.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11960121/1/Making-Friends
There are seven thousand stories just on this site in this category with “pokemon” in their title. “New” features in another thousand. There are over four hundred “chronicles”, more if you include misspellings, even more with “begins” and “beginning”, and even more “Character Name”‘s whatever. There are almost eight hundred with “legend”. There are fourteen hundred with “journey”, twelve hundred with “story”, almost three hundred with “quest”, and two thousand with “adventure”. The different region names appear another thousand or two times. “Saga”, “region” and “champion” come in around two hundred. In sum, you should try to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it’s yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
This is far too short for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. I see nothing here that distinguishes it from the literally thousands of original trainer fics with the exact same opening. If you have a plot, start there; you’re not actually obligated to go through every single mundane thing leading up to the inciting event.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11960101/1/Star-Crossed-A-Romeo-and-Juliet-Tale
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
This is far too short for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – in other words, to show them what makes your story unique and worth reading. This is the sort of thing that should be part of your first chapter, not stand on its own.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11960091/1/Solstice-Academy-The-School-Of-Disaster
One of the SYOC fics decided to do a particularly obnoxious form of review whoring: your OC’s importance is determined by how many reviews you give. Alright then, you want reviews? I’ll give you reviews.
[it doesn’t matter hoe rich or poor you are]
Typo.
[looking down at his similar were few that could wield these bracelets]
I can’t parse this. I think you dropped a word?
Using quotation marks for thoughts is distracting, as it looks like the characters are talking to themselves.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11960091/2/Solstice-Academy-The-School-Of-Disaster
Ah, so the solar/lunar division is just a white hat/black hat thing. Nice to get clarification on that, but it would have been nice to know earlier.
[your not even 21 yet]
Looks like you have a your/you’re mixup here.
It also feels to me like “headmaster” shouldn’t be capitalized when it’s used normally… usually, if something has an article in front of it, it’s not capitalized.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11960091/3/Solstice-Academy-The-School-Of-Disaster
[a Arceus]
Shouldn’t that be “an Arceus”?
[he waas given]
Typo.
[told him to chose]
Should be “choose”, I think. “Chose” is the past tense.
You’re also dropping a lot of commas, such as in [after all he’d just be telling himself lies].
So wait, how old is Xavier? He first had the dream when he was 3, and it’s been 12 years since then, so he’s 15? Seems like a headmaster should be older than that.