[19] The Other Pokereviews, Part 116

Some decent trainer stories, some less decent trainer stories, and a story about the SuMo protagonist being an eldritch monstrosity! Unfortunately it is not clear where it’s going with it.

Anime: 7

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12985991/1/A-Trainers-Epoch

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

Should there be an apostrophe in your title?

[Welcome to A Trainers Epoch and I hope to present a slightly different format of this story than you may have seen before. As said in the summary, this fanfiction follows no linear format. Well, the first two chapters do, but after that when and where the chapter takes place will be different. Sometimes we’ll be in a new region, sometimes the same but forwards or backwards from the chapter we left.]

That sounds pretty cool, actually. A lot of trainer stories get bogged down because they feel obligated to go over every minute detail before they can get to “the good stuff”. Jumping around in time to focus on the bits you find most important sounds very freeing.

[Location – Sinnoh Five Years Before Start of Journey.]

And it actually justifies stuff like this! I normally don’t like such explicit labeling of time and place, because oftentimes it’s redundant with the prose and makes the story feel too much like a video game – but in non-linear stories, this is actually really helpful for keeping track of where we are.

[Rubbing his neck didn’t help; and the one time leaning to one side helped, he fell out of his chair.]

This is improper semicolon usage. As a general rule of thumb, you should be able to replace semicolons with periods and still have the resulting sentences make sense; for instance, what I’m doing here. You want a comma here.

[She refrained from making any sort of embarrassing coo’s, Felix had been bashful since he stepped foot in her class.]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

[“Come to my desk, I have a hall pass for you,” she spoke]

“Spoke” is actually not a speech verb, ironically. Don’t get too caught up in thinking you need to use a different speech verb for every line of dialogue; it’s fine to repeat bland verbs if you don’t need to draw attention to how something is said.

I feel like it’s best to use a different marker to denote scene breaks if you’re using horizontal lines to separate author’s notes – otherwise, it can make author’s notes look like part of the story. Unfortunately FFN is terrible and strips a lot of good symbols you can use, so your options are limited either way.

[“Bismark!” He shouted]

Dialogue formatting rules remain constant regardless of punctuation, so this should be [“Bismark!” he shouted].

[“There it was again!” Felix thought]

Quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader. No quotes and just italics is standard.

[“She’d probably think I am nuts and have me locked up!”]

Hm, would a 6yo really think that? I don’t think I was aware enough of this trope when I was that age. This sounds more like something a middle-school kid might say.

[Felix had stepped to close, too eager to prove that it would be fine, to hopeful]

Typos here – those “to”s should have two Os.

[“Okay,” she said]

You refer to the riolu as “it” up to now. You explain why he thinks she’s a girl after this point, but it’s a little confusing to change pronouns before that point. It might be better to move the explanation up, or only start using “she” afterwards.

This was cute. I like how much happened. While riolu is very overused as a starter pokemon, I think you do a decent job of forcing him to earn it – it’s not just obedience at first sight, he has to keep coming back despite it lashing out at him. I would like to know what a rare pokemon was doing in a random schoolyard, though; hopefully you have an explanation for that in another chapter.

This does feel a bit slow; there were times where I felt you could have condensed the narration a bit. In particular, I think you’re overusing paragraph breaks; those connote a big pause in the flow of the narrative and are typically used to separate major emotional beats, so it can feel weird if you use them for almost every thought. Some of the thoughts felt meandering or redundant, but that could just be because Felix is so young. You may also want to get a beta reader to help you with your typos and punctuation problems; they don’t break the story, but they are distracting.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12985976/1/Pokemon-The-Alola-Adventure

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12985824/1/Not-the-Hero

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

[Drabble/One-shot]

Those aren’t synonyms. A drabble is a story of exactly 100 words.

[Her team, all five whom she has as faithful companions, all while leaving space for the great white dragon.]

If she didn’t want to be the hero, why did she make this sacrifice? How did she even know she’d need to? It’s not actually clear the MC will become the hero until late in the game – it’s mainly N insisting they will, and he can be easily discounted if the MC doesn’t buy into it. There is a mechanic to automatically swap the dragon into your party here, so you could use that instead.

The legendaries are genderless in canon. Using male pronouns for them only reinforces the harmful narrative that male is the default. “They” or “it” are perfectly acceptable pronouns to use here.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

I’m not sure if the premise here makes sense. I guess from a meta perspective, yes, the games are a linear narrative and you have no choice in whether you become the hero – is that what you mean by this? Did you not want to go down this path when you played the games? But from an in-universe perspective, there isn’t really anything pushing the MC to do this. You say the League used her like a pawn, but the Unova League is a bunch of incompetent manchildren who barely seem to understand the myth at all. (Note that Alder thought he could beat N fairly, without involving the MC or the dragon at all.) N is the main force pushing the MC into the hero role, but he’s such a doormat that it would be easy for the MC to decide he’s wrong if that’s what they feel. And as I said, the MC wouldn’t realize this is even something they need to care about until Dragonspiral Tower at the earliest. The level of downbeat Athena is displaying here puts me in the mind of someone who was groomed for this role their whole journey, but that simply isn’t what happened. Nothing was actually stopping her from saying no at any point, if that’s what she really wanted.

[But she, Athena, is not a hero. She is selfish. She is everything a hero is not]

I also feel like this is something that needs more elaboration, but you said this was part of a larger story you were planning, so perhaps you plan to expand on this later.

You also have a lot of of odd grammatical errors that make parts of this feel clunky and hard to follow. You may want to look up grammar resources, or get a beta reader to help you. You can start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

Blocked after this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12985601/1/Chicken-s-Moon-Misadventures

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

[me and my musically named team kick ass all around Alola, because this game is easy as sh*t.]

Hahaha, yes. I actually felt like SuMo was a step up compared to some of the previous games, but affection superpowers just let you break the whole thing in half.

Keep in mind the first line of your document gets thrown off by the chapter dropdown menu, so you might want to try putting in an empty space or something to keep your chapter title centered. (…If FFN allows that. It strips a lot of things.)

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

I’m not really into absurdist humor, but this is fairly cute so far. It’s far too short for a first chapter, though; this feels more like a first page. The first chapter is your readers’ first exposure to the story, so you should try to make it substantial and representative of the story to come. We don’t even know how you are going to engage with the setting and other characters, which seems like it would be the main draw of such a spoof fic.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12985495/1/back-in-kanto

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic to avoid this problem. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

I should not have to tell you that sentences need to be capitalized. Put a bare minimum of effort into this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12985210/1/Letting-It-Be-Known

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic to avoid this problem. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12985155/1/Sylcario

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12984902/1/Eldritch

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

[Fate, perhaps, moved to greet her, but if it did it did so in its usual circuitous manner, as three months ago the second child of the Aether Foundation committed the same crime as the first.]

I don’t understand the connection here. Are you saying Lillie is Fate’s way of greeting her?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym or region. And “kahuna” and “tapu” are not capitalized even in the games themselves.

[Traditionally, those who would be receiving their first Pokemon from their region’s Professor did so as close to their eleventh birthday as possible.]

It’s ten in Kanto, actually. Alola is odd for setting it at eleven.

[those who’d inherited or grown-up with Pokemon]

You don’t need the hyphen here. “Grown-up” means “someone who has grown up”.

[The gates of Iki Town were framed by a wooden arch, symbols venerating the Tapu painted across it, their meaning completely passing over Moon’s head.]

The story seems to be told from Kukui’s perspective up to this point, so it is odd that you’re suddenly revealing Moon’s perspective here. If you are trying to show Moon from an outside perspective, it might support the mystery better to only describe what can be objectively observed.

[“Now then,” introduction to the town complete, Kukui considered, “where’s old Hala gotten off to?”]

Since the narration here starts a new sentence, the dialogue needs to end with something other than a comma. Formatting this particular construction is tricky, but [“Now then –” Introduction to the town complete, Kukui considered, “where’s old Hala gotten off to?”] could work.

[that energy of people and Pokemon]

So Moon doesn’t see pokemon as people?

The switch to Lillie’s POV is a little jarring – generally authors use a scene transition to mark POV changes. I haven’t seen the AO3 version, so you may well have something there that was stripped by FFN’s authoritarian ways. Try experimenting to see what symbols work – I myself use 8’s, with the logic they look like hourglasses. (Asterisks, tildes, and blank line breaks get eaten, sadly.)

[It was a known tradition; the Pokemon specially raised as Starters provided to trainers of significant aptitude.]

This is only tradition in Johto and Kalos, actually, and even there appears to be localized to the starting towns. In every other generation, you get them either as a special gift or through dumb luck. Certainly we don’t see many other trainers with them, even in Johto and Kalos. The player’s experience isn’t necessarily representative for all trainers.

[And Rowlet theres Pokeball.]

Something went wrong here.

Something about the narration here feels… off, somehow. I feel like there’s no emotion to what’s happening; everything is being described too matter-of-factly. It makes me feel kinda disengaged, especially since you’re just going over events we’re already familiar with anyway. It would be interesting if this was all from Moon’s perspective and we could use that dispassion to make inferences about her character, but that’s not the case.

In general I find it odd that for all this story is supposedly about Moon, you spend most of the time on other characters, and most of that time isn’t even spent on what they think about Moon. There’s a lot of information here, but it lacks focus. I figure the repeated references to bonds are important because you keep bringing them up, a lot of this seems like very rote description that doesn’t add anything to the scenes we already saw in the game. One of the really cool things about fanfic is that you can skip over the mundane and logistical details because the audience already knows what happened, and instead focus on the particular bits that you want to change or that you found important. I think you could trim this down to focus more on what’s special about Moon, since that’s what the story is about. I, at least, am interested in what’s going on with Moon, but I feel like the many paragraphs about Kukui and Hala going through the standard opening sequence with no apparent twists are just distracting me from that.

Honestly, I can’t see what’s supposed to be so creepy about Moon in the first place – so far she’s just behaving like a very literalized version of the player character, a quiet kid who goes along with what she’s told, and as the characters themselves point out, that’s not terribly odd. I was expecting something along the lines of her being the Terminator, since the player character tends to be disproportionately powerful compared to other trainers, but you say her battle with Hau was nothing special.

[It was only later that night, lying in bed and thinking of the day’s occurrences, that Kukui realised just what it was he had felt when seeing Moon with her new Pokemon. It hadn’t been the feeling he’d expected – of a new trainer, a child establishing the first of their Bonds. No, it was of something bigger, older, and far more powerful.

It was of a monster without equal, towering above him.]

Like, I feel like I’m missing something here, because this seems like a jump. Pokemon canon loves to say that forming bonds with pokemon is great, so what’s so scary about someone being particularly good at that? What exactly did he feel or realize that has him so scared?

The spooky tone (and the summary) make it clear there’s more going on, but I really can’t tell what, even though this is a pretty long chapter with a lot of content to it. You might be being a bit too subtle in the point you’re trying to make.

This story does remind me of another one with a similar premise though, called “Another Verse”. You might like to check it out if creepy child Moon is something you like.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12984791/1/The-Experienced-Singers

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12984775/1/Team-Eevees

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Covered by Talarc.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12984644/1/The-Kyar-Twins-Inventum-Adventures

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12984547/1/Fire-and-water-a-pokemon-fanfiction

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You need to use paragraphs. If you genuinely have trouble with grammar, a beta reader may be able to help you. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12984386/1/Pokemon-Platinum

Covered by Talarc. I am not blocked.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12984265/1/Exiled-in-Kampra

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12984152/1/Fragile

Blocked, previously reviewed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12984127/1/Hyper-Evolution

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

[“But what if I want to fight?” she laughed.]

“Laughed” is actually not a speech verb, surprisingly – you can laugh a sentence. This is typically constructed like “she said with a laugh” or some such.

[“A talker collar? Disgusting.” The Rocket member shook his head. “You’ll never get the ultimate potential from your pokemon if you start treating them like equals!”]

This kinda runs into the elephant in the room which is that the default trainer setup isn’t treating pokemon like equals either. Stuffing people in stasis capsules and expecting them to fight all your battles for you on command is not something we do to equals. Lazarus seems to be treating Kara well, but for this to not ring hollow we need to know that isn’t abnormal.

This is a good opening! I like that you’re portraying Kara as a character in her own right, and I’m intrigued by a protagonist who isn’t a normal trainer. You got straight to the action and you ended with an enticing hook. I do wonder if it might be better to fuse this with your second chapter, however – it’s generally awkward to end a first chapter on a cliffhanger, since the first chapter is the preview of your story; it helps if we have a clear understanding of the premise by the end of the opening.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12983779/1/Hey-Babe

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context.

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. Currently, the summary tells me more about your story than this chapter does. What’s this story about? Why should people keep reading? The first chapter should answer these questions.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12983687/1/Pokemon-Kanto-Chroniles

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12983630/1/Aura-Immortals

You’ve got coding errors. Preview your story before posting it.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12986104/1/Aura-Instinct

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon in the story, but you did so in the summary.

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

I guarantee you do not need a speech key. If basic actions aren’t obvious from context, something has gone more wrong than a key can fix.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[M-my name is T-twink]

You, uh, might want to pick a different name. The internet has kind of ruined this one.

[the chingling’s began to fill with tears]

I think you dropped a word here.

This seems more like a standard fantasy epic than a Pokemon story. Your pokemon characters are behaving a lot more like humans or elves than how pokemon typically behave in canon.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12983621/1/A-Tribute-to-Water

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

[The Imperium Region known for its strength in trainers and multiple gyms has a tournament every five years that grants a free wish for winning. Attribute a young man sets out on his journey to get the badges and compete, but he walks with a great burden and desire.]

You need commas for the asides in these sentences. Without them, this is very hard to follow. I recommend reading up on punctuation and sentence structure.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You shouldn’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader. Just italics with no quotes is standard.

You seem to have issues with lines cutting off mid-sentence. This sometimes happens when importing directly from a document file. I recommend directly copying your story text into the document manager to see if that fixes it. Unfortunately, this glitch makes the story too hard to follow for me to continue reading.

Blocked after this, which I find rather weird. They still haven’t fixed the cutoff issue.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12983286/1/Unovan-Battle-Movement

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[Even if this means resorting to odd tactics for some.]

This is a sentence fragment.

[Team Plasma learns of these skilled trainers and soon betrayal is intimate.]

I’m not sure what this means. Is Team Plasma one of them? Did you mean “inevitable” instead of “intimate”?

[My black hoodie flutters in the wind slightly, revealing my black shirt underneath more. Dark blue jeans cover my legs, and I have black boots on my feet. I have short dark brown hair that would always remain messy.]

This sounds extremely awkward and unnatural. How often do you think about your appearance unprompted? Exact details of description aren’t that important, at least not this early on; it’s fine to leave them for a more natural opportunity.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[“I understand, I got this when I was in Humilau city with my father. She said that I was special, and it would give me a rare connection to another trainer one day.”]

Did you mean “he” there? He only mentions his father.

[he goes at]

I think you mean “on” there.

[I turn and see my younger sister Violet, she lived with her mother in Undella Town.]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

In general, I think you should look at some style guides and get a beta reader to help you. There are a lot of distracting grammatical errors throughout this, and the prose feels very stiff and lifeless. This is mostly just an exchange of dialogue interrupted with single blocks of description when an event needs to happen, like a cutscene in a video game. And, well, people often complain about the unnaturalness of video game dialogue, and for good reason; in real life, people don’t just stand still facing each other while they mechanically exchange lines. You should have characters move, gesture, interact with their surroundings, etc. as they talk, just like people do in real life. You also don’t need a speech tag after every line of dialogue – if you do want a block that’s just people talking to each other, it’s better to remove them so we can focus on the dialogue.

But even your description feels odd, like:

[I turn and see my younger sister Violet, she lived with her mother in Undella Town. Her mother and her where extremely wealthy. She has on jean shorts that had little rips in the front, and a white tank top. Her dark brown hair was in a ponytail with a few bits out and fluttering in the wind. She had a pink backpack on her back, and a white with a pink pokeball hat on her head. She waves at us, practically running at us. “That’s Violet, she’s a bit energetic.” I say to Randy.]

There’s so much information here, yet it tells us nothing about how Roman feels about his own sister, emotionally. He sounds like he is reading a textbook entry about her – he thinks at length about the basic, objective facts of her existence, but nothing about her personality or how he feels about her showing up. Think about your own experiences, and how you react when your own family members show up – is their outfit all you think about?

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. Everyone reading this has already played the games; we know how the opening goes. What unique idea do you have that sets you apart from the crowd? Start where your plot starts; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12983256/1/Asylum

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic to avoid this problem. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Blocked after this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12983233/1/The-Pokewomens-dimension-of-fat

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Fetish fic, so I am not terribly broken up about it.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12983203/1/Pokemon-Black-2-Everlasting-Hope

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

[pic gallery: /a/9gzW2BI]

Unfortunately, as you can see, FFN is terrible and strips all links in story text. I’m afraid there’s no good way to link to external sites here. However, Archive of Our Own is another fanfiction website that does allow images. You may want to consider crossposting there.

Why is everyone’s name bolded? Bold is extremely jarring and should be used sparingly in prose.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[coming from a region where this amount of busyness isn’t commonplace, this was rather exciting; and almost overwhelming at the same time.]

This is improper semicolon usage. As a general rule of thumb, you should be able to replace semicolons with periods and still have the resulting sentences make sense; for instance, what I’m doing here.

[Castelia, being the main capital of the Unova Region, it was a big port city]

You don’t need the “it” here, as the section bracketed by commas is an aside, not a full clause.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[Chapter end]

This isn’t necessary, and looks kinda distracting.

In general, you’re making a lot of errors that make this very hard to follow. You should read up on grammar resources, and/or get a beta reader to help you. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

Blocked after this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12983084/1/Skies-of-Pallet-Town

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12983078/1/Pokemon-Journey-Kanto-Adventure

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12982349/1/And-The-Ashes-Come-Raining-Down

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic to avoid this problem. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

[it’s ugly head]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

Using hyphens without spaces in place of dashes is confusing. To avoid people thinking you’re hyphenating words, you should put spaces around the hyphen, or use a double dash.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12982605/1/5-Years-Gone-Adventures-in-Hoenn

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

Summaries should tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

[The people of the town take little interest as its directed to anchor.]

Typo.

[Near to the back of this small group was a younger girl]

The rest of this section is in past tense, but this is in present. The rest of this story is in past, so you might want to change this whole opening paragraph to past tense for consistency.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[she couldn’t help but notice that it wasn’t only the street that was lined with stones, the buildings and walls were as well.]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

I like that you’re getting straight to the action and doing something different than the standard opening, but your grammar errors are very distracting and make it hard to follow the story. You should consider getting a beta reader to help you. You can start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12982558/1/Guess-who-s-back-back-again

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12981257/1/Pokemon-May-and-Mistys-Rocket-Makeover

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic to avoid this problem. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

I should not need to tell you that sentences need to end in punctuation. Put a bare minimum of effort into this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12982472/1/Summer-Storm

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[People and Pokémon]

So pokemon aren’t people?

[The air fills with a sound like a gunshot. A brilliant, terrible flash pierces the darkness.]

Doesn’t lightning happen the other way around?

[desperate to do something-anything]

Using hyphens without spaces in place of dashes is confusing. To avoid people thinking you’re hyphenating words, you should put spaces around the hyphen, or use a double dash.

[a small, scattered collection of small, nigh-insignificant bonfires]

A bonfire is a massive fire, and typically does connote quite the significance. You might want another word here.

[The Pokémon League challenge…the very idea was exciting to her. The chance to see Johto, meet new people, learn more about the world and yourself-it was practically everything she could ever have wanted. She was happy for Ant, sure, but she was also plenty jealous. What she wouldn’t have given to be able to go out into the world herself.]

Why can’t she? There are preschoolers with pokemon, and the official starting age is 10.

[His baritone voice carried just the slightest hint of a fading accent.]

What kind of accent? Susan’s situation makes this unclear – is she the foreigner to Johto, or are they?

[“We’re switching Ampere to a new brand of food with more iron in it. The nurse said it would help with his conduction problems.”]

I love details like this! It’s so fun to think of how fantasy elements would change peoples’ mundane lives.

This is very good. Your description is very nice; you’re able to switch seamlessly between the strange epic style of the dream and the grounded description of the normal setting, and both of them are done well. You’ve already characterized Susan and her family delightfully, and their pokemon are adorable. It’s intriguing that you’re doing a different start to the journey, and I particularly like that you’re featuring an adopted kid with a loving family. This looks quite promising.

One Comment

  1. Ghost says:

    I follow that Eldritch story over on AO3. It’s quite good once it gets rolling.

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