[24] The Other Pokereviews, Part 123

Lots of SYOC fic today for some reason.

Anime count: 6

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13039820/1/Breeze-and-Skorupi

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Also, a new speaker requires a new paragraph. If you don’t do this, dialogue is very hard to follow.

[so is my

Torracat.”]

Errant line break here.

[(yes, Skorupi is a girl)]

Including author’s notes in the middle of a story is not a good idea. Stories run on immersion and suspension of disbelief; interrupting the story and pointing to the wires shatters that, much like an actor breaking character in a theater production.

You don’t really need to list mechanical information at the end of each chapter; the story is more immersive if you move away from such rigid limitations.

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. I can’t even tell who these people are, or what stakes there are for this tournament. Keep in mind that battles aren’t as inherently interesting in a story format where you’re not playing them yourself like in a video game. If you’re writing in prose, you should think about additional characterization and twists you can use to make things more interesting; many, many manga have tournament arcs that show various ways of doing this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13039805/1/OC-Pokemon-Regional-Tournament

Non-story chapters are banned on this site. You need to either include a chapter along with this form, or post this to a forum.

Look, you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. It might seem like it’s harder to think up characters than have someone else do it for you, but it’s actually far more work to try to figure out how to write a random batch of personalities and backstories, then figure out how you can make them fit into your story and get along with each other. If you make up characters based on what you need for your story, it’s not only a much better story for it, it’s easier to do. Almost all SYOC stories end up never updating, those that do often die after a chapter or two, and even the ones that continue a bit longer are plagued by meandering non-plots and characters who don’t seem to have any point to their scenes. If you just want general inspiration, it’s better to check out lists of public OCs and find ones that you know will work well with the story. Here’s one: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/128021680/1/Character-Bio-Thread

I should also note that tournament stories also tend to fizzle out after meandering for a chapter or two. This is because tournaments aren’t actually inherently interesting outside of a video game where you’re experiencing the battles yourself. Prose requires a bit more here – what are the stakes, who are the characters, what kinds of twists will occur? A lot of manga have tournament arcs that can show you how to do this.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13039585/1/fool-rushes-in

This is very well-written, but I’m not clear on the connection to Pokemon? Did they infuse her with pokemon powers or something?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13039576/1/Hall-of-Fame

Blocked, don’t recognize them. SYOC.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13039522/1/A-Symphony-of-Emails

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

If you’re using horizontal lines to separate author’s notes, it might be a good idea to use different symbols for scene breaks, so the notes don’t look like part of the story.

[many tall buildings that were the peek of pokemorph technology]

I think you meant “peak”. “Peek” means look.

[She slowly lifted herself off of her bed rubbing her eyes.]

This should have a comma after “bed”, I think.

[You see]

The general you sounds awkward in third-person. I’d recommend rephrasing this.

Look, you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. It might seem like it’s harder to think up characters than have someone else do it for you, but it’s actually far more work to try to figure out how to write a random batch of personalities and backstories, then figure out how you can make them fit into your story and get along with each other. If you make up characters based on what you need for your story, it’s not only a much better story for it, it’s easier to do. Almost all SYOC stories end up never updating, those that do often die after a chapter or two, and even the ones that continue a bit longer are plagued by meandering non-plots and characters who don’t seem to have any point to their scenes. If you just want general inspiration, it’s better to check out lists of public OCs and find ones that you know will work well with the story. Here’s one: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/128021680/1/Character-Bio-Thread

This also doesn’t seem to have much to do with Pokemon. When you’re completely changing the entire world setting and also turning pokemon into basically humans with magic powers, I feel like there’s no longer much connection to Pokemon. This might be better-suited to an original fantasy setting.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13039247/1/Fenix-Ashes

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Their profile has all the awful Christian copypastas, not sure if that has anything to do with it.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13038855/1/A-Parents-love

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

[Rated M to be safe!]

I will warn you that M is usually reserved for porn on this site, and this might give the wrong impression if that’s not your intent.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Ellipses are always three dots, never more or less.

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

It’s interesting to see a reversal of the persecuted shiny story, but the narrative still feels a bit over-the-top. Like, [And humans, two-legs, whatever you wish to call them yourself, will want her because of easy pickings. They see how weak she is and it will be an easy catch!] just sounds silly when we’ve all played the game and know that what everyone wants are strong pokemon and shinies. She’ll be the one thing left behind if humans strip-poach this place. It might actually be interesting to imagine them being jealous or resentful of that, but that’s not the direction the story takes.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13038849/1/The-Missing-Trials

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[ARival in Alola]

Missing space here.

[“But Kirlia, could you please stop narrating everything? That’s supposed to be my job…”

“What do you mean?” Kirlia retorted.]

That’s not what retorted means. You’re overusing uncommon speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever fancy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

Talking pokemon are an enormous can of worms you probably shouldn’t open unless you have a very good explanation for why one group of people is being owned by another group of people.

[All I know is that i randomly]

Proofread.

[Even if you had actually tried!” The rude trainer remarked.]

You’re generally formatting dialogue correctly, but you capitalized the speech tag here.

[But you’ll have to wait, ok?]

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced “ock”, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

[The *******’s eyes lit up.]

This looks incredibly silly. If you don’t want to write swears, you should avoid having them come up at all.

Why are you adding bracketed numbers to things? They don’t appear to correspond to any footnotes.

This seems too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. The events of this chapter don’t seem to have anything to do with the plot mentioned in your summary, which means this isn’t effective as a preview of what the story as a whole is going to look like. Since you don’t yet have a second chapter posted, this means you risk readers bouncing who might otherwise be interested in the eventual plot.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13038675/1/The-Hybrids

Already covered by someone else. I am not blocked.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13038519/1/Zion-Skies-A-pokemon-Story

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

[Now children no longer go on advantages at 10 with no training, instead Teenagers with basic survival training at sent out to capture and learn the ways of pokemon.]

I think you mean “adventures”, not “advantages”, and “teenagers” shouldn’t be capitalized. This is generally a kind of confusing sentence, and you might want to reword it.

Raising the trainer age generally isn’t a good idea, for various reasons. Most relevantly here, I think, is that the hurdles and problems that an inexperienced child might make on their journey are good fodder for a story; conflict is what drives a plot. A protagonist effortlessly avoiding every potential hiccup gets boring after a while, and let’s be real, a teenager having the worldliness to avoid every problem a 10-year-old could get into isn’t terribly realistic either. If you really want to write about an older character, it’s fine to write about an established trainer.

This could all be reasonable if you have a plot beyond “goes on a journey”, but since this is your entire summary, I have no idea what that might be. Summaries should tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[It was decided that the age would be bumped up to 16 and basic survival classes would be used to help kids learn what they needed so the death rate would go down.]

Yyyeah I take it you have not met many 16-year-olds? If anything I would expect them to run into danger even faster. Kids are aware of their limitations and will avoid stuff that looks obviously scary and dangerous. Teenagers think they know everything and will routinely overestimate their own abilities.

Moreover, where are you getting this “death rate”? There’s no indication of any death rate in canon. I know it may seem unrealistic to us that kids can go backpacking across a country filled with magic monsters and not die, but that is canon, and indeed that optimism is what makes Pokemon unique. There are tons of fantasy stories about grizzled veterans fighting terrible monsters if that’s what I wanted to read. The Fun Police aren’t going to take away your Very Serious Adult badge if you need to suspend your disbelief a little. It’ll be okay.

[Location: Ein Town

Place: Zane’s Home

Time: 0900 (Apirl 1st)]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

Why are you capitalizing random words?

[Zane was a tall youth standing at 5’11” with darker skin tone. His black tresses]

I understand the urge to explain basic information to the reader to set the stage, but opening the story with description or exposition is actually not a good idea. Readers don’t actually need to know this stuff just yet to enjoy the story; things like how the character acts and what they’re doing matter much more in the long run. Show don’t tell, etc. This early on, you should stick to information that is immediately relevant. More minor details can come after readers have gotten invested.

Moreover, giving height to the exact inch is ironically more confusing to the reader, because most people can’t pull up an immediate mental image of what exact measurements look like. “A tall youth of nearly six feet” or even just “a tall youth” is smoother.

It’s generally not a good idea to switch POVs within the same chapter, especially not this early. We need time with a character to get invested in them and the story.

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. Everyone reading this has already played the games and is already familiar with the opening. It honestly wasn’t that interesting the first time, and there’s no need to repeat it if you’re not adding something major. Look, do you have a plot for this? The standard badge quest is not a plot. If you’re just trying to copy the game, you’re going to peter out. That’s not an indictment of your skill, that’s based on years of observation and the fact that the games don’t really have a plot, if we’re being honest.

Generally, this is kind of messy and hard to follow. I recommend getting a beta reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13038504/1/Pokemon-Maximum-Moon

[Max Graves, ordinary Pokemon trainer new to Alola right? While his adventure will be anything but. Read if you want to find out more.]

No. Readers shouldn’t have to give you clicks just to figure out if the story is something they want to read. Make a summary that actually tells people what the story is about.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13038283/1/Prisoners-of-the-Aura-Rewritten

Blocked, previously reviewed. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13038081/1/Glitter-Gold

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

[“Oh, Bastien, it’s just you,” Celeste laughed]

You can’t laugh words, so “laughed” actually doesn’t count as a speech verb.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[it’s pokéball]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

[Thank Arceus there wasn’t much cloud cover today]

Why is a Kalosian praying to a Sinnohan deity?

[“Hey kiddo,” His father said]

Typo.

Look, you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. It might seem like it’s harder to think up characters than have someone else do it for you, but it’s actually far more work to try to figure out how to write a random batch of personalities and backstories, then figure out how you can make them fit into your story and get along with each other. If you make up characters based on what you need for your story, it’s not only a much better story for it, it’s easier to do. Almost all SYOC stories end up never updating, those that do often die after a chapter or two, and even the ones that continue a bit longer are plagued by meandering non-plots and characters who don’t seem to have any point to their scenes. If you just want general inspiration, it’s better to check out lists of public OCs and find ones that you know will work well with the story. Here’s one: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/128021680/1/Character-Bio-Thread

Similarly, while I liked the description of the battle and you’re doing a good job of making battles dynamic and interesting, that isn’t really enough to carry a story. Battles are inherently interesting in a video game when we’re experiencing them ourselves, but the same doesn’t hold for prose. Tournament stories have been done in a lot of adventure stories, particularly shonen manga, and they always include some additional story element, like a mystery or twist or, particularly, important stakes for the characters. I don’t get any sense of that here; it’s just not that interesting to read about privileged elite kids fighting for even more prestige.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13037885/1/The-adventures-of-Fi-and-Adrioch

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Battles are inherently interesting in visual media where we can see the cool attacks happening, but the same doesn’t apply to prose. It’s just not that interesting to read about pokemon mechanically exchanging attacks like in the games. You should think about how you can make battles more dynamic or narratively significant like in the anime; otherwise, it is perfectly reasonable to skip over them entirely.

[“Hmm!” she makes a purring sound]

When narration doesn’t describe how something is said, it’s a separate sentence and is punctuated accordingly. So this should be [“Hmm!” She makes a purring sound]

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13037706/1/Cynthia-s-journey

Previously reviewed, not blocked but I don’t have anything new to say.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13037681/1/PENSAMIENTOS-DE-UNA-CHICA-FATASMA

You seem to have accidentally labeled this as English.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13040030/1/non-story-content

wut

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13040041/1/Whisper

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13040103/1/Ash-s-New-Home

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

It’s not necessary to write both pokespeech and translation, as that just looks confusing. You can just write the translation with different quote markers, such as curly braces or tildes.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13040154/1/Misty-in-the-Sunset

This should be labeled as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13040211/1/White-Waves

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

[hazy brown orbs fixed on him]

Referring to eyes as orbs sounds really silly. Not everything needs a trip to the thesaurus.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[“Why am I awake? Why are you here? Actually, why are you here while I’m in my pyjamas, evidently enjoying the blissful activity known as sleep? And why did you feel the urge to be so cruel as to wake me from my peaceful slumber?”]

This… really doesn’t sound like something someone would actually say. A lot of the dialogue throughout this feels very stilted, with characters awkwardly talking about stuff they already know in a way that’s obviously just to provide information to the reader. I mean, why would she forget her own birthday?

In general, there’s a lot of meaningless chatter in this scene that really turns me off from the story. It’s understandable to focus a lot on dialogue, because we talk a lot in our lives and it’s the easiest way to show personality, but you should balance it with other events as well. This amount of banter and chatter just makes the characters feel like annoying kids I don’t want to spend the rest of the story with, and makes me impatient to get to the main event.

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced “ock”, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

Talking pokemon are an enormous can of worms you shouldn’t open unless you have a very good explanation for why one group of people is being owned by another group of people.

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. Despite the word count, you’ve barely made it to the end of the game’s opening in this chapter – and you should keep in mind that everyone reading this is already familiar with the games, so going over the opening in detail isn’t necessary. These characterization details could be established at any point in the story, with the characters already on the road, for instance. I’m interested in the premise hinted at in your summary, but you haven’t even gotten there yet.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13037392/1/The-Stones-of-Creation

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

[This story follows a young man named Jason as he learns to deal with the many challenges the world gives him. Along with his friend Kate he will find and uncover the threats and joys the world of Pokemon has to offer.]

Summaries should tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

[People feared the powers Pokemon]

I think you dropped a word here. Also, you’re generally good about not capitalizing pokemon, but you did so here.

[Among the chaos there were 6 people]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

[Beyond our realm of existence Arceus watched as the six were killed and took pity on them]

That’s incredibly OOC for Arceus, who does nothing while a madman is torturing its children into destroying the universe literally under its nose. Arceus is not the Judeo-Christian God and it’s really silly to try to pigeonhole it into the role. The pokegods in general do not map well onto existing belief structures, so you’re better off writing an original fantasy story if you want to do a plot like this.

Also, Arceus is genderless. Referring to it with “he” pronouns is incorrect and reinforces the harmful idea that male is the default.

I understand the urge to explain basic information to the reader to set the stage, but opening the story with description or exposition is actually not a good idea. Readers don’t actually need to know this stuff just yet to enjoy the story; things like who the main character is and what they’re doing matter much more in the long run. Show don’t tell, etc. This early on, you should stick to information that is immediately relevant. More minor details can come after readers have gotten invested. You should make people ask the questions before giving them all the answers.

And given what you’ve described here… I reiterate that you should consider retooling this as an original setting. This premise relies on humans hating and fearing pokemon, which is actively antithetical to the premise of Pokemon, and fantasy quests about chosen ones tracking down magic MacGuffins is not really Pokemon’s shtick either. You might be better off designing your own setting that gives you more freedom in this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13037321/1/Big-titty-Gothitelle-girl

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13037033/1/Move-Dex

Non-story content is banned on this site. This should be included as part of your story, though I would say that such rigid game-mechanical information is something I’d encourage you to move away from as a fanfiction author. Being able to break out of the mechanics of the game is a strength, not a weakness.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13036751/1/Hoenn-Trials

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

Summaries should tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[it’s unique Glitter Lighthouse]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[Norman had been anxious to convert the old BUG-type Gym into a comfortable space for NORMAL-type Pokémon]

Similarly, allcapsing types or other game terms just looks silly and distracting. We don’t capitalize stuff like “bacteria” or “mammals” in everyday speech.

[He tried logic, reasoning with her about the costs of such adventures but was silenced by the contingency fund she revealed. Money, she had frugally pinched together in the two years after her parents had admitted insufficient funds for her coming of age journey.]

These two sentences sound strange separated. Something like “…she revealed: money she had…” might flow better.

[Finally, he refused her a starter, one of the three tractable, typical Pokémon new trainers received.]

Johto is in the minority in actually guaranteeing a starter to every trainer, and even there it seems like it may be unique to New Bark. If May’s done her research, she should be aware of the many other options she has, up to and including just wandering into the wilderness and chucking pokeballs until she gets lucky.

This is a pretty good opening, and I like your description of the Starfish Anomaly. It still feels like there’s a bit too much exposition here, though. I understand the urge to explain basic information to the reader to set the stage, but it’s not actually as necessary as you might think. It’s perfectly reasonable to start with May already on her journey and explain this stuff over time as it becomes relevant. It could even be a cool mystery if you start with hints that something’s off and only fill in the details later!

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13036451/1/Ginger-s-Adventures-in-Alola

Non-story chapters are banned on this site. This belongs in an author’s note above your first chapter.

[SIDE NOTE: THIS DIDN’T END UP IN THE CROSSOVER SECTION BECAUSE BARELY ANYBODY BROWSES THERE, ANYWAY.]

I’m not sure why you think shoving a crossover down peoples’ throats in the wrong section is going to improve your chances there. The crossover section is rarely browsed because the population of people familiar with multiple fandoms and want to see them interact is naturally smaller than the population of people who are into normal fanfic. That’s the risk you must take when you make the choice to write crossovers. It doesn’t change the fact that you should label this properly so people know what they’re getting into. Purposefully disregarding the filing system just to scam more views is really, really inconsiderate.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13036391/1/Misty-Goes-WHOOPITY-SCOOP

If this is trolling, you need to try harder. If not, non-story content doesn’t belong in the story archives. Post this elsewhere.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13036191/1/Just-The-Basics

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

[the trees on route 6]

That’s a name, so it should be capitalized – “Route 6”.

[It had been a crazy couple of weeks. Jade being murdered, only to be resurrected, Scarlet being kidnapped by her daughter from the future of a parallel world, and the end of malicious acts from Team Vision.]

…What? If this is part of a series, you need to explain that in the summary or author’s notes so readers know where to go for more information. From your profile I see that this appears to be fanfic of a fanfic? This site isn’t really the best place for that sort of thing. You should try out Archive of Our Own, as it allows you to make your own sub-fandoms and has a better tagging feature.

Ellipses are always three dots, never more or less.

[Wanting to learn more about the intimate act of love making for her boyfriend, the innocent virgin Scarlet will need a practice partner equally as clueless as her]

I understand that fetish gets what fetish wants, but this justification doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. If she wants to learn, wouldn’t it make more sense to be taught by someone who knows what they’re doing?

This also runs into the issue that this reads as really exploitative and rapey on her part. Consent is meaningless if they don’t know what they’re consenting to.

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced “ock”, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[Im fine]

[i’ll do]

Proofread.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13035907/1/Within-Darkness

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

[their are others just like him playing this evil organisations games]

You want “there”. Their is the possessive. You also need an apostrophe on “organisation’s”.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

[top tier champions,coordinators or professors]

Missing space.

[i’m not aloud]

Proofread, and you want “allowed”. Aloud means audible.

[the alola region]

That’s a name, so “Alola” should be capitalized.

[all blue with 4 weird orange curves over it]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

In general, you’re making a lot of mistakes that make it hard to get into the story. I strongly recommend getting a beta reader to help you.

Look, you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. It might seem like it’s harder to think up characters than have someone else do it for you, but it’s actually far more work to try to figure out how to write a random batch of personalities and backstories, then figure out how you can make them fit into your story and get along with each other. If you make up characters based on what you need for your story, it’s not only a much better story for it, it’s easier to do. Almost all SYOC stories end up never updating, those that do often die after a chapter or two, and even the ones that continue a bit longer are plagued by meandering non-plots and characters who don’t seem to have any point to their scenes. If you just want general inspiration, it’s better to check out lists of public OCs and find ones that you know will work well with the story. Here’s one: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/128021680/1/Character-Bio-Thread

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13035877/1/Indigo-Journey

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. This is true even if you’re using elements from the games, as while game elements can be slotted in without disrupting much, the anime is highly character-focused and I can’t really get engaged if I’m not familiar with those characters. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13035694/1/Kalos-Crisis-Squishy-s-Point-of-View

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13034437/1/Overflowing

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

[As before, please try to keep criticism to yourself. Opinions and ideas are fine, just not in a “it’d be better if you did this” kind of way. I’m not doing this out of pride, or because I think I’m never going to mess up. It’s because I have an anxiety disorder, and there’s enough entitlement and rudeness in this community that I can’t trust critics to be polite.]

You also can’t trust trolls to abide by this request. You shouldn’t be posting this to a public website if this is a matter of mental health for you. Archive of Our Own gives you the ability to moderate all comments and mark a work as private, and blogging platforms such as Tumblr and WordPress give you even more control over who can see the work and what they can say.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13035044/1/Dancing-In-The-Dark

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[“Yes, yes I did,” He confirms distractedly.]

You’re overusing uncommon speech verbs and adverbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever fancy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

11 Comments

  1. Ghost says:

    Readers shouldn’t have to give you clicks just to figure out if the story is something they want to read.

    Say it louder for the people at the back? I think more people could do with being told that, so many summaries are just bland and don’t explain the story at all

    1. Sinitrena says:
      Does this even work? I mean, do people read stories with such generic summeries? I don’t. If a summery doesn’t catch my interest right away, I skip the story. That’s true for published books and fanfiction alike.

      But, to be fair, it is incredibly difficult to write a good, gripping summery, especially with a limited word count. They end up either generic, not telling the reader anything, or (accidentaly) reveal a twist that should be a surprise. Twilight, for example (not a good book, but the first example I could think of right now) reveals (spoiler, I guess) on the back of most (all?) editions that Edward is a vampire, something Bella only figures out about halfway through. It’s very easy to spoil your own story with a bad summery.

      1. At least that would mean there’s something to spoil. “Jane Do goes on a pokemon journey in New Region!!!” doesn’t even inspire that much confidence.

        Also, as I think Farla has said elsewhere, if the only interesting thing about your story is the twist, that’s a bad story. I’m going to talk about this in an upcoming review, but I think a lot of stories would actually be better if they’d let go of the idea their twist is the most brilliant mystery ever and just tell us outright at the beginning so the story could be spent actually exploring the implications of the twist. Like, I don’t know much of Twilight, but saying “The love interest is a vampire!” halfway through isn’t nearly as interesting as the question of “So your love interest’s a vampire. How are you going to deal with that?”

        4
        1. Ghost says:

          It’s a lot more fun to explore the implications of a twist than it is to build suspense up to it, I find. Might just be my writing style, though.

          There’s a lot of stories with generic summaries that get read, but it’s mainly because people want to see a ship in the story or something along those lines.

           

          1
      2. Cigi says:
        Like anything, writing a good summary is a matter of practice. Of course, it helps if the author has an idea of the overarching plot and the themes they’d like to explore; I think, for a lot of fanfiction, the problem is that the author maybe has a general idea of what they want to write (“like the games, but grimdarker!”) but not much beyond that. If you know what themes you’re planning to explore in your work, then it’s much easier to ‘hook’ a potential reader by teasing the themes rather than the plot. If you’re not really sure where you’re going with something, it’s more difficult to summarise it.
        1. Ghost says:

          …Which makes me realise I really should include an author’s note stating “This will not be a dark story” since the backstory is dark, not the actual story itself :/

        2. Yep, that’s the big reason I bring it up. If they know what they’re doing, it’s a simple matter to say “Well actually my plot is this.” If they freeze up and realize they don’t have a plot… that’s something they need to figure out before they continue.

          4
        3. Keleri says:

          There’s definitely an art to a good summary, but that’s why you have to give it a try and practice– I’ve changed my stories’ summaries many times to try to make them more hooky– rather than just throwing up your hands and going “i suc at summeries lol”

          1. Sinitrena says:
            There is. And it requires a writer to take a step back from his/her story and look at it from an outside perspective. What is it really about? What is interesting about it? What is different? Why would someone want to read it?

            I think many people can’t take this different perspective.  They are too caught in the idea that they have written something great so there is no need to sell it. That’s what summeries are, after all, a sale pitch.

            And maybe they even have. There are interesting stories that just have bad summeries, which is unfortunate. And often people think they do have a good summery because they can’t take this step back.

            Good summeries are definetely an art.

            1
            1. JackPK says:
              *summAry
              Reply
            2. Sinitrena says:
              Sorry, thank you. I’ll try to remember the correct spelling.  My mother tongue is not English.
              1
              Reply

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