[13] The Other Pokereviews, Part 132

A few interesting things, but also a lot of rote stuff.

Anime count: 7

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13074870/1/Wishful-Thinking

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[People say that Pokemon Zoroark or even it pre-evolution can mimic humans if they were powerful enough yet this has never been proven to be accurate or not.]

This needs a comma after “enough”.

You have spaces after all of your start quotes. This looks a little strange. It may be due to some formatting error in porting your document. You should preview the story to catch things like this.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

This is confusing and hard to follow. It’s difficult for me to tell who’s talking and where they are. I recommend getting a beta reader to help you.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13074875/1/The-Awakening-Shadows-AU

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Non-story chapters are banned on this site, and for good reason. You can put this in an author’s note if it’s necessary, but it probably shouldn’t be.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13075047/1/Pokemon-Academy-Go-Let-s-Go-to-The-Pokemon-Academy-Eevee-SYOC

Blocked, previously reviewed. SYOC and Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13075290/1/Cigars

Blocked despite seemingly having an amicable conversation about this earlier. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13075544/1/Pokemon-Turquiose-Edition

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.

[The same start, But a different character and a different time. Lets see how this goes, shall we?]

Summaries should tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[Sorry mum gotta run!]

However, when a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

[The Pidgey’s chirped]

Apostrophes are for possessives, never plurals. Fandom generally agrees that the singular of a pokemon species also works as its plural. So “The pidgey chirped” would be fine here.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Generally, you need to work harder on your grammar. You should look at websites such as Grammar Girl, and maybe get a beta reader to help you.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13075550/1/Perfect-Son

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

Ah, it’s nice to see one of these stories tagging stuff for once. Shouldn’t this also be underage, though, unless you’re doing some kind of timeskip?

You lack spaces between paragraphs, which makes the text a little hard to follow. Since indents aren’t allowed in web documents, most authors use double line breaks instead.

[Sun prayed, to the island guardians who he hoped were watching over him, to Arceus]

Hrm. This is personal preference, but I think it’s weird to see Arceus featured commonly; we see no indication of its worship anywhere in Sinnoh, the region defined by its wealth of ancient history, and certainly its behavior doesn’t seem to do anything to justify such worship. Since Sun is from Kanto, it’d make more sense for him to be familiar with a local god – the bird trio, or Ho-oh and Lugia if Johto’s religions spread to the surrounding regions?

[“I’ve missed this,” Lusamine’s voice spoke through the searing, jagged sensation.]

“Spoke” is, ironically, not a speech verb, so the dialogue would have to end in a period here.

[“Sun,” he heard his mother’s voice.]

Same thing here.

Well, this is nicely creepy. I like stuff that fully examines the horror of Lusamine’s behavior – it really weirded me out when the games just went “it’s okay, she’s good now!” and fandom just collectively bought it. Mutating her captive into a clone of her absolutely seems like something she would do, and I particularly like the early mention that Sun did all this to save the others. It all builds Lusamine’s credibility as a villain subtly and unsettlingly.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13075733/1/Venusaurs-are-Great-Matchmakers

Blocked, previously encountered. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13075834/1/To-Struggle-and-Strive

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

[In all seriousness though, most of the stories fitting this criteria are little more than Traveler knockoffs. And while Traveler is a great story, there’s too much room in the Pokémon universe to settle for doing what’s already been done. This isn’t an anime rewrite. This isn’t a manga rewrite. This isn’t a game rewrite. This isn’t Traveler. This is an attempt to show some of what can still be done with the Pokémon world that hasn’t already been done.]

That sounds cool, but your summary doesn’t say anything to imply this. Remember that your summary is what’s going to motivate people to click through to read this in the first place; if you have something unique that’s going to draw in people who are tired of “Ash but with a different starter so it’s TOTALLY DIFFERENT U GUISE”, you’d be more successful in advertising that up-front.

[Still, none of that is to say the story will be small. Multiple regions, massive adventures, years of content. The world and story will grow as it progresses, until it encompasses the behemoth that is the world of Pokémon.]

And while I admire your ambition, this is maybe not the best thing to charge into for your first story? I’ve seen, quite literally here, hundreds of people who start off trying to make sprawling inter-region epics and it almost always ends in tears. If you know what you’re doing, that’s great, but you might want to get some practice with a shorter story first.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[he let a smile spread across his features, “Hello Ash, it’s good to see you.”]

You’re formatting dialogue almost but not quite correctly. Dialogue is normally written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[While you won’t get a traditional Kanto starter]

There’s no such thing as a traditional Kanto starter. That’s just an out-of-universe game term. In-universe, Oak only gives Ash/Red a starter as a personal gift. It’s only Elm, Sycamore, and possibly Kukui who make it a standard thing, and even they can’t possibly be doing it for everyone in the region.

I’m not terribly familiar with the anime, but this really sounds like you are using the games as a base and changing Red’s name to Ash for some reason. Especially as you say you won’t be including other anime characters, I’m not sure why you’re saying he’s Ash. Ash is a character with an established personality and relationships, which attracts readers familiar with him and alienates those who aren’t – so the former are going to be annoyed you’re making him into a blank slate, and the latter might not read your story at all. You might get better luck if you just fully turned him into an OC.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13076031/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Turquoise-A-Tale-of-Royalty

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

This story looks decent, but you’re making a ton of errors in punctuation and sentence structure that makes this nearly impossible to follow. I recommend looking at grammar resources such as Grammar Girl and maybe getting a beta reader to help you.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13076041/1/pokemon-truth-or-dare

Blocked, previously reviewed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13076307/1/ash-and-missty-go-on-a-date

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

This is a mess. If you’re trolling, we need to be able to read what you’re saying for it to be entertaining. If not, you need to read up on grammar.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13076584/1/Into-the-Wild-Wrath-of-a-Titan

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[Most dismissed the rumors, the chief of police, did not.]

The first comma here is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition. The second comma is unnecessary.

[corral in the deepest part of the bay had been painted black]

I think you mean “coral”. “Corral” means to contain.

[His first thoughts were of someone desperate to eat, but no sane human would ever consume a Pokemon unless they were starving]

Hm, this is an interesting worldbuilding detail; certainly canon seems to imply otherwise. Do you have your own reason that humans don’t eat pokemon?

This is intense! I love stories that engage with the mysticism of pokemon and questions of coexistence. There are a few grammar errors that make some parts hard to follow, though; you may want to get a beta reader to help you.

Be aware that I have some sort of weird stalker who mobs stories I review. If you don’t want that, a list of all their sockpuppets is on my profile.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13076719/1/Bonnie-s-Happy-Day

Script format is banned on this site, and as such this story is at risk for deletion. You should switch to prose format.

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13076890/1/Meeting-X-Y

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[It abandoned the Poke Puff I had offered it; the one it had so eagerly been chewing on only moments before, and]

This is improper semicolon usage. As a general rule of thumb, you should be able to replace semicolons with periods and still have the resulting sentences make sense; for instance, what I’m doing here. You want a comma here.

[I adopted a smile in

some false sense of security]

Errant line break here.

[He will bring no harm to you, not while I am here.]

Yveltal is genderless. Making it male only reinforces the harmful idea that male is the default.

[“Thank you, Xerneas” was all I managed to say]

Missing punctuation for the dialogue here.

I like your description.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13076966/1/Pokemon-Legends-Begin-Kalos

Blocked, don’t recognize them. “Constructive Criticism is accepted but please no flaming.”

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13077032/1/Story-of-the-Unforgiven

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13077282/1/A-Legend-Begins-With-a-Dream

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

At a certain point, you really need to ask yourself why you’re so uncomfortable admitting you want to write about an OC that you have to staple Ash’s face over theirs. Just write about your OC. Trying to force this to hit the same beats as canon to justify it being Ash will just cheapen the changes you’ve made and make the entire thing more boring as you take what could be an original plotline and hammer it back into the same shape as always.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[Final thing I wanted to mention is that Ash will be starting his journey when he’s 15 and not 10. I always found that part of the anime just so unbelievable even for a cartoon since who in hell sends a 10-year-old kid into the wild to travel the world and catch Pokémon?]

Willing suspension of disbelief is a thing, you know. Pokemon is a kid’s franchise, and like most kid’s cartoons, the world really does seem that safe. In many ways this is something that sets Pokemon apart from the dozens of edgy grimdark stories about teen heroes fighting magic monsters. No one’s going to take away your Very Serious Adult Badge if you have to suspend your disbelief a little. It’s okay.

[Thanks mom!]

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Got blocked for this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13077442/1/Trainer

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

[A story about an adult in their mid-twenties who belatedly sets out on his very own Pokemon journey. Inspiration drawn from core games and slight anime elements. AU with a new region.]

Summaries should tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[a Pidgey’s (1) cry]

While I, too, like footnotes, they’re unfortunately not well-suited to a web document. Footnotes are nice because you can quickly flick your eyes down and then go back without losing your place too much. What you have here are endnotes, which require scrolling all the way to the end of the document, potentially getting spoilers, and then having to scroll back up to find your place again. It’s almost never worth it, in other words. If you crosspost this to Archive of Our Own, you can implement links and anchors, which will make this a lot easier – if you can make it so readers just have to click on the number and can then click back to their original position, the experience will be a lot smoother.

[1) Normal-type Bird Pokemon. Common all over the world. Its later Evolutions are used for package delivery as well as Battling.]

However, this particular note, at least, isn’t necessary. Everyone reading this is already familiar with the games and knows what a pidgey is. If you have additional worldbuilding details you’d like to add through these, you may be better off incorporating them directly into the plot where they are relevant.

[The electric tone of a Pidgey’s (1) cry blared over the crackling speakers in the middle of the ceiling of my classroom and I felt both a small sense of joy at the artificial Pokemon’s cry and at the same time slightly annoyed as I was interrupted for something related to Pokemon for the millionth time today.]

This sentence is grammatically correct (I think), but feels breathless. It might be better to split this into multiple sentences. Especially for the opening of the story, it can be better to take things slow.

[but now a “Why does this matter in the slightest?” kind of irony of our world having emerged from a bigger Dark Age than the Western Europeans did after Rome’s fall was completely lost on them, and I could not blame them.]

This one is a lot harder to follow; it reads like a few words got eaten in the middle.

[It was every kids’ fantasy.]

You want “kid’s”, singular.

[and yet that was attracted us to it]

Dropped a word here.

[Not only did you have to buy an already-trained Starter Pokemon (a hefty price unless you wanted a Caterpie that would live for a total of one week unless you could figure out how to evolve it as a novice Trainer)]

Canon shows that this is very clearly not true. The manga explicitly shows us that most trainers get their pokemon through random captures, and very few trainers have the official starter pokemon. The “rich kid” class tend to be joke trainers, even; the series commits very strongly to the idea that you can’t just buy your way to success, it’s the bond and training that matters.

As a fanfiction author you are, of course, free to discard all of this if you feel your version makes for a better story, but personally I’m not too keen when authors do this. By saying this, you are establishing that pokemon training, the basis of the story and setting, is going to be a rare profession limited to a small and homogeneous class of people, and I don’t really see the benefit in limiting your defining element that way. I find fantasy settings a lot more fun when the fantastic elements are available to everyone – and I get the impression you feel similarly, given how much the narrator talks about the ways pokemon inundate their way of life. It’s one thing to say only serious trainers can do the full circuit, but to say you have to be wealthy to get a license at all? That locks you into a cast of nothing but rich guys with maybe one or two plucky normal kids whose characters will necessarily have to be wrapped up in class conflict, and I’m dubious if that will make for an enjoyable read.

[One got a Pokeball from who knows where]

Like, seriously, pokeballs cost what, 200 yen (or 2 dollars)? What kind of horrible dystopia is this that anyone seeing a working-class kid with a 2-dollar object automatically assumes it must have been stolen?

[The Rattata, untrained and not used to people, came out of the stasis from the Pokeball (17) in a panic, going from the relative tranquility of a yard of tall grass into a room filled with prepubescent giants who stared at it in amazement. It immediately leapt at its captor, tearing at him with its oversized fangs and there were a few seconds of absolute terror as we watched the kid get mauled, screaming all the while.]

This, likewise, makes training sound like something that can only be done by trained professionals, not a hobby that even an older teenager could get into like we see in canon. Once again, that feels too prohibitive to me. Having a character learn how to deal with a rowdy pokemon can be interesting, but this seems to lock off that middle ground – either trainers already know how to deal with pokemon, or they can’t raise them at all, from the looks of this.

[Her parents figured that she would quit after a day, but, two weeks later, she was admitted into the Academy after days and nights in front of its gates]

This sentence is missing punctuation.

[Everyone, including myself, willfully ignored the fact that the yearly Trainer casualty rate increased as well. Routes were more well patrolled than they had been in years, but that still did not stop trainers, both young and old, from getting themselves on the wrong end of a Pokemon they were not prepared for, or even a human foe. Bandits and thieves were relatively common, and rumor has it that a myriad of ex-Team Rocket (21) members were always trying to reform across the regions, but I had never taken those claims too seriously. The town militias did what they could do protect the Routes to their cities, but it was certainly a life-risking journey to make from city to city, even in a vehicle.]

And this raises the question of why anyone would do this in the first place. Even if you can argue that kids really would be that dumb, why would adults go along with it? How did this cultural tradition start? Canon gives us a very easy explanation: it’s not deadly. If you want to change that to tell a different type of story, more power to you, but you need to think about how that major change would affect the rest of the world state if you want to have solid worldbuilding.

[Flame Bearer’s first Flamethrower attack that connected had warped its claws, melting the flesh and steel together and almost ending its battling career forever, despite the immediate response from the medical team and Pokemon always on staff at registered battles. There was an after-action report that stated that, within 6 months, the Scizor should regain at least 90% of its claws’ function. There was always the danger that a battler Pokemon could be permanently injured or killed, even in a sanctioned battle, but that was the price to pay for the intensity of the battles humankind craved.

I suspected that, much like the Romans with their gladiators (28), the blood sport of battling was allowed to still carry so much danger was it made all that much more entertaining. Some would call it sickening, and I wouldn’t necessarily disagree, but it certainly had helped to stop inter-regional conflict. Indeed, in the five hundred years that humanity’s been clawing its way back from The Collapse, there had only been a handful of wars, the Pokemon themselves helping to dissuade extensive conflict, as they would very willingly help to wipe the rest of our race out if they could, leaving humanity unwilling to risk open war in case it caused mass movements and attacks by wild Pokemon. Pokemon could become great aids, partners, and friends, of course, and I do truly believe that Pokemon inherently have made our lives better. But they are, at their very inner, primal core, monsters.]

So… why are pokemon putting up with this, then? You go straight from saying pokemon would love to wipe humanity out if they could to saying they’re great partners. That’s a pretty massive shift! What caused it? Why were pokemon ever willing to not just work with humans, but work under them? Why, if pokemon love battling so much, do they fight in what must surely feel like pathetic mockeries of a true battle, in these artificial structures with artificial rules? Why do they put up with idiot trainers who can get them killed? Is this a something we will learn more about later?

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[it’s sharp toes]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

[Do you think its serious?]

And typo here.

Otherwise, this is very good. Though I feel a lot of your explicit worldbuilding exposition is wonky, you do a good job of showing the importance of pokemon in the characters’ everyday lives, and the description of the battle was very good. Unfortunately, despite the length, this feels insubstantial for a first chapter; as I mentioned with your summary, readers need an idea of where the story is headed. Remember that this isn’t a published book, where people can just keep reading; in a serial medium you need to convince people to follow the story and come back for the next chapter at a later date. For that reason, it’s best if you can hook your readers as early as possible so they can make an assessment on if this is the kind of story they’ll like. I can tell that this is probably going to be a heavy-worldbuilding story, but worldbuilding alone doesn’t carry a story. What exactly is the protagonist going to try to do, what are his goals and motivations? Knowing some shape of where the story is going will help readers a lot.

I think you might like to read the story “Gods and Demons: ad terminos terrae” (it can be found on my favorites list). It’s a similarly dark, heavy-worldbuilding story, and I feel it strikes a good balance of danger versus accessibility in training.

(Also, fair warning: I have some sort of weird stalker who mobs stories I review. If you don’t want that, a list of all their sockpuppets is on my profile.)

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13077610/1/Containment

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

[Will the escape?]

Typo.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[*Rrriiiiinnnnngggg*]

This isn’t a comic book. Sound effects should be described in prose.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Also, a new speaker requires a new paragraph. Not doing this makes me not want to read your story. Please put a little more effort into this.

(Also, fair warning: I have some sort of weird stalker who mobs stories I review. If you don’t want that, a list of all their sockpuppets is on my profile.)

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