[12] The Other Pokereviews, Part 154

Standing on the corpse of its mother was a young Cyndaquil who was crying for all to hear, which would only give its location away to those Pokémon who would see it as prey. From his location, Bastion could tell that the Pokémon was male.

“Poor little guy!” Bastion muttered out and seeing that the Pokémon was all alone he decided that he was going to capture and care for him.

From the sight of the creature, Bastion guessed that he was only a few days old and even then that could be a stretch. This would allow Bastion to capture the Pokémon pretty easily since the Cyndaquil had most likely not learned how to properly defend himself yet.

A few decent fics in addition to this, though.

Anime: 4

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13319849/1/Call-it-Love

Pokemon trainers start at ten, so this is underage and should at the very least be tagged as such. If that wasn’t what you intended, you need to explicitly age Yellow up.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13319554/1/Pokemon-Adventures-of-Crimson-Red

Blocked, previously encountered.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13319467/1/Adventures-in-Unova-Truth-or-Ideals

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

[A retelling of the Pokemon Black and White games. In this story, you will follow new Trainers Elysia and Lan, and a few more other new and interesting characters, as they begin their Pokemon journey through the Unova Region.]

Summaries should tell us more than just the genre. What’s important about these characters? How is their journey going to be different from canon? What is this story *about*? Answering those questions will drive more people to click on the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[Standing at the door was a young girl, probably only in her mid-teens, with short golden hair and wild bangs. She was on the shorter side, with sun kissed skin and a slight dotting of freckles over her nose. Her eyes, which were a bright, afternoon-sky blue, were wide with excitement and an equally excited grin was stretched over her face.]

So, description is tricky to do in an engaging way. Notice how these sentences do absolutely nothing to advance the narrative; you’ve brought the story to a screeching halt to tell us these things, and you’re going to jerk us back into motion just as suddenly in the next paragraph. These sorts of “start-stop” moments are things you should try to avoid. Understand that it may not be necessary to describe a character at all; you should adhere to conservation of detail, and only bring up details that will be important to the story.

[Come inside for awhile]

You want “a while”, two words. “Awhile” is an adjective that means “for a while”.

[His eyes, which were identical to his daughters]

Missing apostrophe here.

[Hey, ma]

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

[She has to finish getting ready and she can’t really do that with you gripping her ear like a pissed off Krabby.” He asked]

Punctuation error here, and “asked” is a confusing tag to use when it’s a sentence away from the question. You could instead structure this as [“Hey, ma…can you let her go now…?” he asked. “She has to finish getting ready and she can’t really do that with you gripping her ear like a pissed off Krabby.”]

You’re formatting dialogue inconsistently. The full rules are: Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[Harlow sweat-dropped.]

This is a visual art convention and doesn’t work in prose.

[but she had never really asked her what she felt at first. and, to be honest]

There’s an error in either capitalization or punctuation here.

Using hyphens without spaces in place of dashes is confusing. To avoid people thinking you’re hyphenating words, you should put spaces around the hyphen, or use a double dash.

[“Osha! Osha-wo-wott!” (‘Yeah! You look great!’)]

This style looks really awkward. Rather than doing both the pokespeech and translation, it’s best to do only one or the other. I would recommend staying away from translating pokespeech all the time, because the more obviously sapient you make pokemon, the more questionable it becomes that they’re treated like pets and property. This is a particularly big deal if you’re going to be engaging with N’s plot.

[Nuvema Town, Unova Region. Mid-day. Outside of Professor Junipers Lab]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

[———————————————————]

It looks like you forgot to put in a true line here.

[Elysia, for some reason she couldn’t explain, instantly felt incredibly on edge as soon as the man named Ghetsis spoke.]

Protagonists just magically knowing exactly how they’re supposed to act and feel is really bad writing, because it takes tension out of the story. This sends the message that your characters aren’t ever going to be mistaken or have to reason out who they need to trust, i.e. interesting story material. If that’s not the message you intend to send, you shouldn’t do this.

If you want Elysia to be on edge around Ghetsis, he provides plenty of perfectly logical reasons for that already. He’s dressed like a LARPer, is surrounded by what is clearly a cult, and can’t seem to control his severe, villainous expression whenever he talks. You can have her pick up on those red flags without needing to make her clairvoyant.

[“Who does that guy think he is!? Liberate Pokémon!? What a bunch of fucking nonsense! Ughhh, it makes me mad just thinking about it!” She screeched, stomping her foot repeatedly. Oshawott, who was now on her shoulder, chirped right along with her. “OSHA! OSHAWOTT!” (‘YEAH! STUPID HUMAN!’)]

Okay, I’m done. That you can’t see how perfectly this demonstrates the problem is proof that this story will not be going anywhere interesting. If you want to argue that pokemon don’t have their individuality stifled by training, don’t reduce them to cheerleading parrots.

If you want to convincingly refute N’s argument, you should look at the fic “Let It Ring”. Until you have solid counterarguments to the points brought up there, your attempts are going to fall flat.

Overall, this doesn’t seem to really be going anywhere, thus far. The Pokemon games are not well-suited to novelizations, as their plots are largely just vehicles for making you fight a bunch of battles which, while cool in a game where you’re actually playing through them, are not interesting to read about. If you want to make a story out of it, you’ll need to diverge heavily from canon and introduce a ton of unique elements of your own. Notice how the anime and manga did this, and note also that they were still visual media that could fall back on cool, flashy battles, while you won’t be able to. Your summary and note implies that you’re going to be changing things, but I see no indication of that yet. Do you have some unique spin on the game’s plot, some unusual interpretation of the setting you want to explore? If you advertise that up-front, you’ll draw more readers.

You also need to proofread more thoroughly and/or get a beta reader to help you. In addition to the larger errors I pointed out, you have a lot of typos and homophone errors throughout this, and they’re very distracting.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13319463/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Ultra-Star-Twilight-Hide

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13319441/1/Pokemon-spam-story

Trolling is supposed to be entertaining. Try harder.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13319390/1/New-Beginning

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13319262/1/Its-Not-a-Date

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Anime. Their other story is full of socks saying they’re great for blocking me and should continue writing, but curiously this one has no reviews~

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13319185/1/New-Age-Knights-Rising

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

I’m not too fond of using the term “legendaries” in fic. It’s very much a fandom term, as it’s a shorthand for the canon term “legendary pokemon”. It’s also much too general given the actual range of power of legendaries. Legendaries like latios seem to be merely rare beasts, while legendaries like Kyogre are gods.

[The battle between Arceus and Necrozma is as old as the world being created.]

…What? This isn’t even remotely canon. If you want to do a high fantasy Biblepunk story, just write original fiction.

Look, you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. It might seem like it’s harder to think up characters than have someone else do it for you, but it’s actually far more work to try to figure out how to write a random batch of personalities and backstories, then figure out how you can make them fit into your story and get along with each other. If you make up characters based on what you need for your story, it’s not only a much better story for it, it’s easier to do. Almost all SYOC stories end up never updating, those that do often die after a chapter or two, and even the ones that continue a bit longer are plagued by meandering non-plots and characters who don’t seem to have any point to their scenes. If you just want general inspiration, it’s better to check out lists of public OCs and find ones that you know will work well with the story. Here’s one: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/128021680/1/Character-Bio-Thread

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13320125/1/The-Fourth-Annual-Pok%C3%A9mon-World-Tournament

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

You’re shifting between past and present tense, which is extremely confusing and disorienting.

You’re formatting dialogue inconsistently. The full rules are: Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

This is a decent opening, though as there’s not much plot at the moment there’s not much else to say. Your descriptions are fairly good.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13322265/1/A-Different-Type-of-Journey

[Also selling slots\pairings in the story.]

This is illegal. Pokemon is someone else’s intellectual property and it is theft for you to make money off of it.

Hybrid actually insisted I was lying about this. Well, that’ll be a fun surprise for the author.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13322150/1/A-Dream-Come-True

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13321887/1/Family

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13321843/1/One-Day-They-ll-Know

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13321518/1/The-Battle-Academy

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

[there will be sex between two males]

Please don’t ever refer to people as “males” or “females”, it’s incredibly creepy and objectifying.

[Oh my PokéGod!]

This sounds ridiculous. You can just say “God”.

[Standing on the corpse of its mother was a young Cyndaquil who was crying for all to hear, which would only give its location away to those Pokémon who would see it as prey. From his location, Bastion could tell that the Pokémon was male.

“Poor little guy!” Bastion muttered out and seeing that the Pokémon was all alone he decided that he was going to capture and care for him.

From the sight of the creature, Bastion guessed that he was only a few days old and even then that could be a stretch. This would allow Bastion to capture the Pokémon pretty easily since the Cyndaquil had most likely not learned how to properly defend himself yet.]

His first reaction to seeing a mourning orphaned child is to beat it up and stuff it in a ball? Christ, that’s awful. If he really wants to do it for the cyndaquil, he could, you know, ASK if it wants to come with him.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13321436/1/Doghouse-Part-One

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13320891/1/Prince-Ash

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13320507/1/Pokemon-Survival-World

Blocked, previously encountered.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13320339/1/A-Pokemon-Love-Story-Skyla-X-OC

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13321049/1/Prehistoric-Park

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

[when Team Skull’s newly recruited grunts managed to stumble their way through security it was only sheer dumb luck saved them from being caught.]

Missing word?

[it’s last few visits]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

[If Guzma really wanted this doing then]

Not sure what this is trying to say. You may have gotten your wording mixed up.

[The room was almost completely dark so he felt more than saw her brown eyes boring into the side of his head.]

This needs a comma after “dark”.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[Dr Stone]

Title abbreviations have a period after them.

This is a pretty good opening. Stuff is happening! It’s a bit light on plot, though – you could maybe foreshadow the main plot a little. You say this is going to be like Jurassic Park, but there’s nothing to hint at that in the story itself. Maybe have the Skull grunts stumble over some fossils, or extend the chapter a little?

You may also want to get a beta reader to help you with those errors. They’re minor so far, but are still distracting.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13320337/1/The-Forgotten-Eeveelutions

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[This is the first time I ever do an inverse translation. I did translations from English to Spanish, but not the other way around. I did my best, but I don’t discard there may be grammar errors, misspelling and bad format in dialogues.]

The story is understandable overall, but there are a lot of strange words and constructions. In particular, the wording often feels stiff and overly formal, which often happens with translations. You might want to have a native speaker look over it for some additional edits.

[The brown-eyed boy]

You’re overusing epithets. When you are writing a story and refer to a character by a physical trait, occupation, age, or any other attribute, rather than that character’s name, you are bringing the reader’s attention to that particular attribute. That can be used quite effectively to help your reader to focus on key details with just a few words. However, if the fact that the character is “the brunette,” “the trainer,” “the older man,” etc. is not relevant to that moment in the story, this will only distract the reader from the purpose of the scene. If your only reason for referring to a character this way is to avoid using his or her name or a pronoun too much, don’t do it. You’re fixing a problem that actually isn’t one. Just go ahead and use the name or pronoun again. It’ll be good.

Eye color is a particularly odd choice for an epithet, since it’s not a very obvious trait. It would probably be better to give them names or, if you want to keep them nameless, refer to them by their pokemon, since that’s what’s relevant to the scene – “the salamance’s trainer” and “the luxray’s trainer”.

You do a good job of describing the attacks during the battle.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13323440/1/Fire-and-Blood

Blocked, previously reviewed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13323333/1/RED

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13322895/1/Heart-of-the-Trainer-Zapdos

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon, though italicizing attack names is a little strange – it’s overly formal, like something you’d see in a textbook or official transcript.

[“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Spike yelled though his sleeve.]

This is a bit confusing – am I supposed to know who Spike is?

[Another pale of thunder rolled across the city]

I think you want “peal”?

[The drifter dreaming of sheering his way into fame and fortune]

If you mean cutting hair, I think you want “shearing”?

[And if the news channels were right, the system would last for days, drenching the city from satellite dish to sewer drain.]

System? I’m not sure what that’s referring to. Is the weather controlled?

[But despite the storm’s best intentions, it couldn’t smoother out everything.]

I think you want “smother”.

This was quite good! I enjoyed Zach’s sardonic humor and his little asides like [Did Spike and his merry band of men deal enough experience for him to level up and evolve to the third and final stage of insanity?] Even though the story is off the beaten path of canon, this still clearly feels like a world where pokemon matter and affect things.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13322848/1/The-Start-of-a-New-Era

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

You need to write in the language you’re writing in. If it’s important that characters are speaking in another language, use a translation convention instead of forcing people to tab over to Google Translate.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced “ock”, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13322798/1/Moon-s-Astral-Journey

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13322436/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Storm

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13177634/1/Normal

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[Krista Strauss is a talented Gym Leader and a gifted mentor, but ever since her brother’s disappearance she’s merely been going through the motions. Her past intersects with her future when a mysterious visitor arrives at her Gym, and she is thrown into a Pokémon journey she never believed she would make again…]

This is an okay summary, but I still feel it’s a bit vague. “Established trainer gets a call to adventure” is a genre, not a story. What’s engaging about this person specifically? You tell us her brother disappeared, that’s something, but that’s still an external stressor that doesn’t tell us much about the main character herself. What kind of mysterious visitor is this – benevolent, dangerous, or ambiguous? Why is she thrown into a pokemon journey and what are the stakes? What makes this story engaging, gripping, and worth our clicks?

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

[It would be rude to show how bored I really was when the kid across the room was giving it his all…

It made me a little sad that his all wouldn’t be nearly enough… but that’s just life sometimes.]

Minor, but the first ellipses sounds a little strange here, especially when the next sentence has one too. It makes her sound dazed or sleepy; I associate boredom with more of a flat tone.

Using hyphens without spaces in place of dashes is confusing. To avoid people thinking you’re hyphenating words, you should put spaces around the hyphen, or use a double dash.

[‘We’ meaning the Elite Four. They were the bunch of pricks that fancied themselves the strongest trainers in Unova, and they had complete oversight of all the Gyms in the region… including my own. It didn’t help that they actually were the best of the best.]

This construction really undermines its own momentum – it’s hard to take someone seriously when they start off with “Those arrogant pricks THINK they’re so great…” only to finish with “Actually they really are great.” This makes Krista look like she’s making a really petty objection with no grounding in fact, and flattens the emotion of the scene by taking the wind out of her outrage.

This is really raising the question of how gyms are supposed to work, something that’s not adequately answered in canon. It doesn’t make sense to me that gym leaders always fight at full strength, since they *have* to be beatable by newbie trainers. A gym leader is a test – if she’s being too hard or unfair and thus stonewalling trainers from getting the proper certifications, that is an actual problem and could be considered dereliction of duty. Of course, canon also doesn’t blink an eye at Giovanni shutting his gym down and plenty of other gym leaders screwing off and forcing you to run errands for them, so who knows if there’s any formal disciplinary system in place. However, thanks to that ambiguity, it’s really hard to tell how she’s supposed to come off here – are we supposed to see Grimsley’s objection as justified, or not? Does her performance even matter at all? Gym leaders are one area where the canon has so many holes that you need to come up with a lot of your own stuff just to get it to a functioning state.

Overall this was a decent chapter, though weak as a starter. There’s no hook here, even though your summary promises one – for a first chapter, that’s a big problem. The first chapter is where you want to hook your reader, to convince them to keep going. This “day in the life” chapter would be fine on its own, but for our first introduction to the story, we need a bit more. I’d recommend starting a little later in the timeline, extending this chapter, or just rearranging things until you can fit the hook into the first chapter.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13323662/1/Eeveecest-Diaries

Previously reviewed, not blocked.

3 Comments

  1. Venompaw says:

    This is illegal. Pokemon is someone else’s intellectual property and it is theft for you to make money off of it.

     

    Hybrid actually insisted I was lying about this. Well, that’ll be a fun surprise for the author.

     

    Feels like this person should be directed towards FurAffinity and SoFurry as well as DeviantArt where stuff like this is common place (kinda) except with original content.  The “quality” of these stories don’t seem to be high either.

    As for if there will be any legal consequences, hard to tell. Patreon and fanfic are somewhat accepted these days.

    FFN isn’t the place for them though.

    3
  2. ? says:

    Oh my PokéGod!

    Our Pokefather who art in Pokeheaven. APokemen.

    This vs. “Oh my Arceus”. Fight!

    4
    1. Keleri says:

      Broke: Oh my Arceus

      Woke: By the mane of the Alpha!

      Bespoke: Arceus’ fucking taint, dude

      3

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