[12] The Other Pokerviews, Part 133

A well-done tragic short, and otherwise nothing of note.

Anime count: 5

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13078069/1/Ash-betrayal-fic

Blocked, previously reviewed. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13078119/1/Stolen-Time

KingPyle is a sockpuppet of lstwill56, who was banned on my sister’s forum for using racial slurs and is now spamming the category as revenge. Be warned that she’ll mob this story with sockpuppets in response to this review. Now that that’s out of the way…

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

Your description and imagery is wonderful. I don’t have context for this, but the writing is excellent nonetheless. I think I’ll look at Alive after this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13078167/1/Pokemon-Origins-Ruby-Sapphire-and-Emerald

KingPyle is a sockpuppet of lstwill56, who was banned on my sister’s forum for using racial slurs and is now spamming the category as revenge. Be warned that she’ll mob this story with sockpuppets in response to this review. Now that that’s out of the way…

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[Must be from dad]

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

This seems very simplistic, like you’re just writing out events that happened in the game. The battle, in particular, just reads like the transcription of a game battle. You should try experimenting with more detail, emotion, and imagery in your prose.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13078490/1/Whatever-Makes-him-Happy

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Got blocked for this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13079072/1/Journey-Of-Ash-And-Chimchar-CH1

KingPyle is a sockpuppet of lstwill56, who was banned on my sister’s forum for using racial slurs and is now spamming the category as revenge. Be warned that she’ll mob this story with sockpuppets in response to this review. Now that that’s out of the way…

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

I should not have to tell you that “I” needs to be capitalized. Put a bare minimum of effort into this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13078357/1/Right-Your-Wrongs

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing the word “pokemon” itself. However, species names shouldn’t be capitalized either, for the same reasons.

[All he remember is beginning a team]

Should that be “remembers”?

[Maybe it was loss, and a childish tantrum of a reaction? Was it out of spite of some expectations forced upon him? Did he snap and break mentally and stayed insane until that fateful day? Did he have such a world-changing idea rejected, to the point of gathering people who agree with him to create an almost cultist group? Did he desire attention, and made false claims to gather people to worship the very ground he walked on? It was all such a blur.]

I feel like nothing short of brain trauma should scramble someone’s memories this much – these are mostly mutually exclusive motivations, and pretty strong, life-defining ones. If he had some sort of mad idea or strong philosophy, I would think he’d still have it in some form. This would make more sense if he was a con man with no strong motivation, and simply couldn’t remember the flavor he used to gather followers because it doesn’t matter anymore.

[“Leave this place forever.” was the last thing uttered]

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

This is a nice prologue. It’s interesting to see a story from the perspective of a team leader, and a regretful one at that. However, like I said, it’d be nice to know more about what he did. I disagree that it doesn’t matter; the exact extent of what he did and why is a big factor in how we can judge peoples’ reactions to him, and if it’s deserved. Like, was he killing people for money, or for some cause he believed in? Did he only kill the one kid, or was this a regular thing? Was it an accident or on purpose? Maybe you plan to answer these questions later, but it’d be a good hook to learn a bit more about his history here.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13078778/1/Dormant

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[should’ve been there for-but has missed]

Using hyphens without spaces in place of dashes is confusing. To avoid people thinking you’re hyphenating words, you should put spaces around the hyphen, or use a double dash.

[also found it’s end]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

[And do you know this other young man?they asked.]

Missing space.

This is really strong. It’s deeply sad and tragic, but you don’t slip into melodrama; you convey the cold deadness and horror of everything extremely well. The things she notices about Silver are extremely sad, too, but there’s also goodness in how much she cares.

Hybrid threw an absolute tantrum at this, because this author apparently agreed to block me earlier but changed their mind. Because this has always been about hurting me and never about helping authors.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13079358/1/Fires-of-Eden

I see you’ve been visited by KingPyle. My condolences. Authors have continually told her to stop doing this but she just won’t leave people alone. Be warned she’ll mob this story with more sockpuppets, which you can find on my profile. Anyway…

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

How does a charmeleon hold a pencil? They don’t seem to have opposable thumbs.

This is a decent opening, but too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. Including the first of the charmeleon stories in this first chapter would help give us an idea of what this story’s going to look like.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13078824/1/Raindrops

Blocked, don’t recognize them. No reviews because Hybrid already got what she wanted.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13079239/1/Alolashipping-A-to-Z-Drabbles-and-Ficlets

This story isn’t showing up under the anime filter. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13079623/1/Enslave-em-all

Not blocked, but I don’t think I’m gonna touch this one.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13079638/1/The-Real-Master-Descends

I really don’t want to bother with this stupid conflict, but my side of the KingPyle thing is linked in my profile. Anyway.

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13079812/1/A-Different-Point-of-View

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym. Or human.

[It had obviously failed to do it’s job]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Thoughts should also be in first-person; otherwise, they’re narration.

[2 arepas]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

[You should know this by now.” Mel responded dryly.]

I believe this is the third time you’ve used “dryly” in this scene alone. You’re overusing uncommon speech verbs and adverbs. Don’t be afraid to use a plain “said”; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever fancy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

[“Hey where is Dad working by the way? I haven’t seen him since yesterday?”]

Isn’t she talking to her dad?

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced “ock”, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

This character doesn’t seem like a sociopath, just a bit of a mean person. Sociopathy is actually a complex condition that produces specific effects.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13079813/1/Black-City-Lemons

If KingPyle is bothering you, a list of her sockpuppets and some explanation is linked in my profile. Otherwise, you can ignore her.

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Using hyphens without spaces in place of dashes is confusing. To avoid people thinking you’re hyphenating words, you should put spaces around the hyphen, or use a double dash.

You’re formatting dialogue inconsistently. The full rules are: Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[“…”]

This is a visual art convention and doesn’t work in prose.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13081493/1/Their-New-Life

I’m very sorry you’ve been dragged into this mess, but KingPyle isn’t going to stop bothering you until you block her or me. A list of her known sockpuppets is on my profile if you want to expedite matters. And I know you’re probably tired of hearing this, but she really does lie about everything. Anyway…

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

[the protagonists loved ones]

Missing apostrophe.

[I slowly opened my eyes, giving a small yawn as I stood up. Wait… Stood up? I looked around, confusion masking my face. I wasn’t in my bedroom anymore.]

The rest of the story is in present tense, so this should be as well. Jumping between tenses is very jarring and disorienting.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

A new speaker requires a new paragraph. Not doing this makes your dialogue too hard to follow for me to continue reading.

[End of Chapter 1!]

This isn’t really necessary; people will know when they’ve reached the end of the document.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13081440/1/Everything-In-Between

I’m very sorry you’ve been dragged into this mess, but KingPyle isn’t going to stop bothering you until you block her or me. A list of her known sockpuppets is on my profile if you want to expedite matters. And I know you’re probably tired of hearing this, but she really does lie about everything. Anyway…

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[He had a job at a local grocery store as a cashier. He made enough money to live off of]

Haha wow, I see this is already a wild escapist fantasy.

[Now, enough exposition. Onto the story!]

Breaking the fourth wall like this is jarring, and you don’t really need to do it. This works fine as an introductory section of the story, but you might not need it at all. I understand the urge to explain basic information to the reader to set the stage, but opening the story with description or exposition is actually not a good idea. Readers don’t actually need to know this stuff just yet to enjoy the story; things like how the character acts and what they’re doing matter much more in the long run. Show don’t tell, etc. This early on, you should stick to information that is immediately relevant. More minor details can come after readers have gotten invested.

[*zzz zzz zzz zzz*]

This isn’t a comic book. Sound effects should be described in prose.

You’re formatting dialogue inconsistently. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[How could a Glaceon be all tge way over here?]

Typo. You have a few other typos throughout this; I recommend proofreading more thoroughly, or getting a beta reader to help you.

[Finally, he discovered that owning a Pokémon forms a very strong bond.]

So, the phrasing here is what weirds me out about pokemon/human romances. If you literally own someone, they can’t truly consent to a relationship, can they? They can’t escape if they don’t want to be around you, and even if they feel like they can say no, they’re so dependent on the human for physiological and psychological needs that it’s hard to know what the human will do in retaliation. If that’s not what you meant to imply, you shouldn’t be using words like “own”.

The prose in this story is very simplistic; there are a lot of simple sentences that just describe what’s going on. You should experiment in varying your sentence structure and adding more complex clauses, as this will make the story more engaging for your readers. You could try adding fanciful imagery that gives mundane events a subtle double meaning, or have the narrator reflect on events in more detail. Published books have a lot of examples of how to do this.

6 Comments

  1. Roc says:
    After checking the review sections for these stories…

    Wow. The haters are really going full force right now. I hope this conflict ends soon so new authors won’t feel intimidated before they post stories.

    1. Ghost says:

      The new authors will be just fine. It’s Elmo I’m more worried about.

      1. As I keep saying, this does not even do much to slow me down. Even if she can get everyone on a given day to block me, I can just keep going. The authors are the ones getting spooked by the conflict and trying to batten down the hatches to keep it out.

    2. Keleri says:

      I hope it doesn’t so I can get a bunch of absurd reviews on my next story and pad the counter

  2. On The Sidelines says:
    It’s good to see that other authors are getting tired of Blaze’s nonsense, though I feel bad that she tries to drag all these innocent people into her tantrum. I’m hoping that upon seeing Blaze’s “warnings” and her “reviews,” people will turn around and realize that, “Gee, I really don’t like these nonsense reviews that have nothing to do with my actual story. Maybe getting concrit isn’t actually a bad thing like this person claims!”

     

    But that’s probably far too optimistic. :P At the very least, hopefully authors will get annoyed with her enough that they’ll report her. The sooner she and her alts are banned, the better. This has already gone on for far too long.

     

    St., you are a real trooper to keep on going despite her constant badgering.

     

    (As an aside, I love that guest reviews from “Ice”:

     

    “He gives no Danes about anyone”

    “They actually give a dank about the users on this site.”

     

    Blaze, I know you use mobile, but come on. Turn autocorrect off. It’s not doing you any favors. :P )

     

    Anyway. Right Your Wrongs looks really interesting, so I’m gonna have to give that a read sometime. And I loved Stolen Time; I’m definitely gonna be checking out that author’s other works, especially Alive.

    1
    1. On The Sidelines says:
      Oops, added one too many spaces. Sorry about that!

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