[13] The Other Pokereviews, Part 150

A decent story about an autistic kid, a Mary Sue/Mewtwo romance, and a story where Lusamine spends all her time sobbing over her losses instead of doing anything about it because she’s so pathetic and ineffectual.

Anime: 4

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13301888/1/Pokemon-Return-Of-The-Champion

Blocked, don’t recognize them. “Also, sorry, my grammar and punctuation may be a little off, so please let me know of any spelling mistakes.”

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13301791/1/Utter-Perfection

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

[After a series of experiments due to disobedience Lusamine’s new ultra beast parishes.]

This should have a comma after “disobedience”, and should that be “perishes”?

[Now, Faba he’s loyal.]

“Faba” needs a comma after it as well.

[the obedient beast shes always wanted]

Missing apostrophe.

You have similar errors throughout this. I’d recommend reading up on grammar and punctuation use, and maybe getting a beta reader to help you.

Something odd seems to have happened with your line spacing; there are no paragraph breaks. This can happen sometimes when importing a document directly.

[She lifted her head from the puddle of tears she had made, sniffling pathetically.]

I feel like this is a Flanderization of Lusamine. From what we see of her in the games, she doesn’t get depressed when she loses things, she gets angry. She didn’t just sit around and cry in the wake of losing Gladion, Lillie, and Type: Null; she kicked the entire plot of the games into motion.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[With the creek of the double doors]

You want “creak”. A creek is a stream.

[“Madam President! With all due respect, you are the one who wanted us to conduct those experiments, to begin with! Usually, I would agree with such a thing to get information off of it, but we already have it all! What we were doing was just causing it needless pain! I’m not working under you to give you everything you want and kill a creature that didn’t know what the hell was going on most the time! I’m not working under you to kill things Madam President!”]

And wow, this seems even more out-of-character for Faba. Recall that he was the one who froze Type: Null away purely out of spite when he couldn’t condition it. Faba shows nothing but contempt and malice for every human and pokemon he encounters. I can’t imagine him taking a moral stance here.

And unfortunately, since this plot relies a lot on Faba’s character for pathos, it’s not really what I expected. This simpering, moralizing, innocent victim is effectively an OC, and not a terribly interesting one.

What even.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13301687/1/All-That-Was-Lost

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[“Something you like, Mist?” He teased.]

Dialogue formatting rules remain constant regardless of punctuation, so this should be [“Something you like, Mist?” he teased.]

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13301686/1/Touch

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[the people and Pokémon of Poni Island]

You understand this is saying pokemon are not people?

[A polished kitchen knife cut into the berries, and when the knife was pulled away, there were now cleanly sliced berries.]

This is a really weird way of phrasing it; the passive voice makes this sound incredibly detached and robotic. Is there a reason why you want to remove the actor from this sentence so completely?

[and there was also many nuts, bolts, and other miscellaneous hardware tools]

That should be “were”, I believe.

[Machamp love anything that helps them build muscle.]

Pecha berries are full of sugar, though. How does that help build muscle?

[squeeze as much money as you can out ’em.]

Missing word.

[That hurts, Ms.,]

Titles can’t be abbreviated when they’re mentioned on their own; just one of those things. So this would have to be [That hurts, Miss,]

[Ram pointed in the direction of the elderly woman, who was being helped to her feet by a suited man.]

The definite article here is confusing, as you don’t mention any elderly woman in the earlier bit about the boy knocking people over. You might want to add that.

I like the bit with the kirlia – it’s a good middle ground of comprehensible communication but not so straightforward as to make the kirlia too human. The use of “Master” is rather loaded, though – in the context of some other fanfic here, it evokes some rather unpleasant associations, especially since he seems to be doing something it doesn’t want. “Trainer” might be good for a less loaded term.

This is sweet so far – Ram seems like a nice person, and I’m getting some Mob Psycho vibes from his relationship with Professor Zion. I still feel like the story is too slow, though. I presume that the robotic narration is meant to reflect Ram’s own personality, but that doesn’t change the fact that robotic narration isn’t engaging to read. The sentences here are all very simple, and very rarely do anything more than describe the immediate surroundings. That’s difficult to do well, and tends to rely on unusual settings where mere observations can be interesting, but Ram is just doing mundane tasks here. What might work is if you cranked up the description, such that while Ram does not inject subjectivity into his observations, he does notice details that a typical observer wouldn’t.

This is rather on the opposite end in terms of subjectivity-vs-objectivity, but the story “Another Verse” has a good example of a hyperobservant protagonist who notices interesting, plot-relevant details in even ordinary things.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13301672/1/Hollow-s-Memoir

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[A Pokémon journey set in the Valeo region where people and Pokémon honor the resolve since days of old to strive for a better tomorrow. Join Io and his friends in a quest where getting Gym Badges and being the very best is only the tip of the iceberg and that there is more at stake than the win and loss of a Pokémon battle.]

Summaries should tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot? Telling us there will be more stakes isn’t interesting if we don’t know what those stakes actually are.

[people and Pokémon]

You understand this is saying pokemon are not people?

[With a quick click I immediately shut off my PokéGear for the day.]

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well.

[but its a step forward]

Missing apostrophe.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[I really do tease him for it -without malicious intent of course- but]

You should probably surround the hyphens with spaces on both sides. People sometimes do -this- to mean emphasis, so it’s best to avoid ambiguity.

[Loud noises and big crowds aside you can easily move around if you know which streets to take though the same can be said that if you don’t know you can get lost just as easy. G]

Looks like something got added in at the end there.

I like that so much has happened already, but Lupin looks like a terribly pathetic villain. Villains who just let heroes walk away destroy tension. I now know that whether or not the heroes win or survive is going to come down entirely to story fiat. Lupin is terribly incompetent for a professional criminal.

You also have a lot of missing punctuation and odd sentence structure, which makes some sections hard to follow. I’d recommend reading up on those topics and getting a beta reader to help you.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13301442/1/Jacob-s-Pinbar-Pokeblast

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13301332/1/A-Day-in-the-Life-of-Mewtwo

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

There isn’t much here. You’ve described an event, but there’s no pathos to it. What’s going through Mewtwo’s mind here? What does he think of these annoying trainers continually popping up to interrupt his solitude? Why does he want isolation in the first place, when his motive in the movies is more about freedom and justice?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13301307/1/Ask-Ketchum-of-Kalos

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Titling your story in the body is redundant with the header.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

I understand the urge to explain basic information to the reader to set the stage, but opening the story with exposition is actually not a good idea. Readers don’t actually need to know this stuff just yet to enjoy the story; things like how the character acts and what they’re doing matter much more in the long run. Show don’t tell, etc. This early on, you should stick to information that is immediately relevant. Factual and setting details can come after readers have gotten invested.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

I remember like two episodes of the anime and I can still tell you are writing an OC, not Ash. At a certain point, you really need to ask yourself why you’re so uncomfortable admitting you want to write about an OC that you have to staple Ash’s face over theirs. Just write about your OC. Trying to force this to hit the same beats as canon to justify it being Ash will just cheapen the changes you’ve made and make the entire thing more boring as you take what could be an original plotline and hammer it back into the same shape as always.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13301138/1/The-Deathman-s-Dragons

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

That said, from what I see here, it really looks like you’re following game canon more than anime canon, so I’m not sure why you’re not just writing an OC.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

[Fuchsia city]

All parts of a name are capitalized, so this should be “Fuschia City”.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[the three headed gatekeeper of hell]

When referring to the singular place, “Hell” is capitalized.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13301052/1/The-Sour-Poffin

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[Chompy turned away from her with a huff.”Stupid Flareon,”]

Missing space.

[“Oh my Arceus, “]

That makes as much sense as “Oh my Jesus.” “Oh my god” is a very specifically Abrahamic curse; it means, literally, MY god, the one god, as opposed to all those other heathen gods. You can’t just find-replace Arceus into Christian curses and still have it make sense.

This is cute, but Taurus seems awfully dumb if he doesn’t know different pokemon have different tastes.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13301047/1/The-mimikyu-chronicles-book-1-rise-of-R

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

You’re formatting this like it’s a script for a movie or video game, but literature doesn’t work that way. Read a published book to see how they’re formatted.

You also need to use paragraphs.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13300892/1/Turning-Over-a-New-Leaf

Blocked, previously encountered.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13300707/1/Cold-Coffee-and-Cold-Nights

Please tag this story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. You can find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13300389/1/Team-Rawcat

Blocked, Paradoxicle.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13300394/1/come-in-closer-like-the-tide

Human characters, not blocked.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13300369/1/Pallete

Blocked, previously encountered.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13300293/1/Her-greatest-day

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

[Line]

If you want lines, you have to add lines through the editor manually.

[She has worn in a elegant white dress with a daisy on her head.]

You want “an elegant”, and gardevoirs’ dresses are part of their body; they don’t “wear” it.

[asked the-gardevior]

Errant hyphen here.

This has nothing to do with Pokemon.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13301015/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Legacy-GS

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

[A novelization of my journey through the classic Pokemon games, with a bit of creative liberty taken to fill in some details. Follow me as my character Aden through the world of Pokemon. …You might say this was based on a true story!]

So, here’s the thing. The Pokemon games are not well-suited to novelizations, as their plots are largely just vehicles for making you fight a bunch of battles which, while cool in a game where you’re actually playing through them, are not interesting to read about.

You could very well make a solid story out of the base plot, as the anime and manga did, but you’ll need to diverge heavily from canon and introduce a ton of unique elements of your own, just as they did. You may well be planning this already, but if so, this is the place to advertise it. Simply telling us the genre of the story doesn’t do much to hook a reader. What makes your story unique?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[Kanto (Johto’s bordering nation)]

The parenthetical is awkward here – everyone reading already knows this.

[said the man pushing up his glasses as he looked up from his sleeping son in the chair next to him]

This needs a comma before “pushing up his glasses”, since that’s a separate action.

[With him, sat a wife and her husband]

Conversely, there doesn’t need to be a comma here.

[nearly 3 now]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

While this is more eventful than the typical opening, it still doesn’t do much to grab me. The characters are all pretty standard and the protagonist doesn’t seem to have much in the way of personal conflict or tension. You might have been able to milk something out of him thinking his mom wants to get rid of him, but explicitly showing her motivation in the opening just turns this into a silly melodrama.

Some parts of your writing are also off – you have a lot of wonky sentences and slipped tenses. You might want to get a beta reader to help you.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13300062/1/Two-Hearts-One-Destiny-A-Retelling-of-Between-Two-Worlds

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym. Or psychic.

[The wind playfully tousled the long dark brown hair of a young woman no more than eighteen as she sat up in one of the branches watching the Tauros. Her almond-shaped emerald green eyes drank in the scenery, never missing many details. She had a fair complexion, maybe slightly tanned in spots, and an average figure. She wasn’t chubby by any means, but had curves in all the right places. Though she was a little on the petite side, no taller than perhaps five foot five.

She tugged down her lavender t-shirt over jean pants and gripped her white sneakers tighter against the bark.]

So, description is tricky to do in an engaging way. You seem to have heard the advice to weave description into action, but weaving them into irrelevant actions doesn’t fix the problem. These sentences still don’t advance the narrative; you’ve brought the story to a screeching halt to tell us these things, and you’re going to jerk us back into motion just as suddenly. These sorts of “start-stop” moments are things you should try to avoid. In this case, I’d recommend spreading the details out so it has less of an “infodump” feel, or skimming over them entirely. Are these details actually relevant to the character? If yes, they can come up at relevant points; if not, I don’t think people will be too confused if you don’t mention them.

[She understood on them on a level]

Extra “on” here, I think?

[Nevermind, Sabrina dismissed]

Not what that word means. You’re overusing uncommon speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever fancy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

I hate to cry Mary Sue, buuuut… this reads like a Mary Sue. Why, indeed, is she so incredibly special that she gets to be trained by not just one but two fan-favorite psychics? The tension of her being an outcast and unable to control her powers is also very much told-not-shown, so it lacks bite as a real flaw. It would provide more pathos if we could see things going badly for her and why so much help was necessary, instead of just her relaxing on a pleasant day.

Vague portents and prophecies are also generally not very engaging. What you have here is too vague to grab readers’ attention with a specific plot hook, but just specific enough to make it look like the universe is going to bend over backwards for the protagonist because she’s just so special.

I’m honestly not clear why this chapter is necessary at all. Your summary implies the real story is going to be about the romance with Mewtwo, so I don’t know why you don’t start there. Everything here could be explained in a short aside – “Ki’s powers were so uncontrollable that she had to be trained by Mew, this had been the case for X years.”

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