[14] The Other Pokereviews, Part 103

Today there’s what looks to be an interesting thing about pokemon personhood, though the first chapter is too short to really tell where it’s going. There is also a very disappointing pokeworld history headcanon, and slim pickings otherwise.

Anime count: 5

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12907296/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Reset-Bloodlines-Ghosts-of-Maiden-s-Peak-Interlude

Reset Bloodlines.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12907379/1/Dave-and-Mia-Discover-the-Multiverse

Blocked, previously reviewed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12907464/1/Scarf

Blocked, previously encountered.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12907547/1/Pokemon-Pink

Not blocked, but story is gross porn with no obvious grammar mistakes, so, no.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12907564/1/The-Bigshot-one-shot-collection

Non-story entries are banned on this site. This needs to go in an author’s note in the same document as your first chapter.

[No nitpicking, that kind of shit pisses me off to no end. I am aware that there are sometimes errors with writing style, or I don’t always have my facts totally straight, but if it isn’t blatantly obvious, please either say it in a PM or keep it to yourself. No one likes an asshole or a grammar Nazi people.]

At a certain point, you have to ask yourself why you are so bothered by something so inconsequential. A simple grammatical mistake is trivial to fix, and a review that provides a good explanation of the reviews is helpful to other authors as well.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12907564/2/The-Bigshot-one-shot-collection

You should tag for the fetishes featured in a given chapter so that people can search for or avoid particular subjects as desired.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[“Of course we will master.”]

Unless you want creepy slavery and power imbalance implications in your story, you really shouldn’t have pokemon referring to humans as “Master”.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12907725/1/The-School-of-Pokemon

Covered by Talarc. I am not blocked.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12907733/1/Conqueror

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties, this thread has clearer instructions: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

Otherwise covered by Talarc.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12907817/1/Those-Years

Blocked, previously reviewed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12907900/1/Genesect-In-Space-3-An-Ultra-Space-Odyssey

What does this have to do with Pokemon? Calling your original character Genesect does not make them Genesect.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12907963/1/Different-Eyes

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

[It’s a story about pokémon-human hybrids, personhood, the implications of advanced genetic engineering, pokémon sapience, and personal agency. It’s also a story about a cat who wants to be a person, and how she becomes one.]

You have piqued all my interests!

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[There are plenty of volunteers.

After all, what pokémon wouldn’t jump at the chance to become a person?]

I love this. It’s a brilliant reversal of the common human-to-pokemorph narrative and implies so many interesting things.

This opening is fascinating and engages with so many questions I wish fandom would examine in more detail. I’ve seen a lot of first chapters that leave me hanging and don’t give me much idea of where the story is headed, but this is immediately gripping and lays out your themes very clearly – and so succinctly, too! I’m hooked.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12907963/2/Different-Eyes

[Her previous meal of this kind had been chicken in jelly, a favourite of hers, and she’d spent the day before clinging to the memory of how it had tasted.]

I appreciate this detail. The whole pokemon chow thing is something that fandom doesn’t often think about, but if pokemon are intelligent it’s pretty messed up when you think about it – even prisoners aren’t fed Human Food, after all.

[Her paws and body gave her more range of expression than a serperior, or a lanturn, or worse, a voltorb with no extremities at all, but they were still nothing to a human’s hands and face.]

I appreciate that you’re bringing up some of the weirder pokemon. A lot of stories only focus on the ones that are most comprehensible and animal-like, and it’s really interesting to think about how things like voltorb fit in with this world.

This is interesting. You seem to be portraying Salem as possessing intelligence on par with a clever animal for the most part, and it’s intriguing to see how her thought process is different from a human’s. Pokesign is interesting in how it bridges a communication gap between humans and pokemon, but not entirely.

One thing I really have to wonder here is how justified the social norms here are. Yes, the “is training slavery” debate – just what level of intelligence makes it acceptable for humans to keep pokemon like animal pets? Salem’s communication skills and general behavior puts me in mind of a human child – so is it really ethical for Laura to leave her alone for so much of the day, and for society to ban pokemon from certain spaces outright? This makes me wonder how much of this is a natural consequence of everyone’s behavior, and how much is purposeful subjugation of pokemon. I hope the story will continue to engage with these themes.

This reminds me of another fanfic I’ve read called “Another Verse” that also deals with questions surrounding pokemon sapience. You might be interested in giving it a look.

So in the time between posting the previous review and writing this, the author blocked me. Even more bizarrely, they later undid the block and requested another review. There are no heckler reviews, so they must have been in contact with the author through PM.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12908018/1/How-Team-Galactic-should-create-evil-Arceus-in-gen-IV-remakes

Non-story entries are banned on this site. Post this to a forum.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12908309/1/Transformation-Mew

Blocked, previously reviewed. Interestingly, this one actually has a critical review.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12908597/1/The-Pilgrimage

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

If you’re basing this on the anime, this belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. I’m not familiar with the anime, so I will be unable to comment on any elements you use from it. If you have difficulties, this thread has clearer instructions: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[I swear to Arceus]

Using Arceus in place of God sounds ridiculous and has no basis in canon. It’s fine to just use “God”.

[The 4th District Court of Kanto has sentenced former Pokémon trainer Wren Corday of Saffron City to seven years in federal prison, bringing an end to an explosive affair that has rocked the trainer community all around the world. 17-year-old Mr. Corday]

Hold on a minute, seven years and he’s a MINOR? Adults get less than that for murder. And why isn’t Ash getting penalized for using excessive force to knock him out? He could have just used Thunder Wave. Thunderbolt is a damaging move, that’s dangerous!

[Mr. Corday’s charges, meanwhile, escalated further once it was revealed that his Pokémon were regularly given illegal doses of steroids and narcotic stimulants, often used enhance performances during battle.]

Ah. That does tragically go a long way towards explaining the long sentence. Still, how are they allowed to do this to a minor?

[“Such odious abuse of Pokémon must be dealt with utmost severity and maximum punishment within the bounds of the law,” said Judge Jamie Vinehouse]

So are we supposed to be finding this darkly hilarious? It’s pretty hypocritical of the authorities to crow about pokemon abuse when they are the ones who implemented this system of subjugation and dogfighting for sapient creatures in the first place.

[Having confiscated Mr. Corday’s Pokémon collection]

Seriously. Pokemon abuse is terrible but it’s okay to “confiscate” a “collection” of pokemon as if they are property that can be bought and sold? We don’t even talk about pets this way.

[The majority, however, are adherents of the Arcerim sect who consider Utica to be a sacred land. Hundreds of these religious pilgrims purchase sea passage to Utica at least once in their lifetime, congregating at the seaport settlement of Garnet City. From there, the Arcerim caravans embark on a 7,000-kilometer trek across the length of Utica, following a passageway known as the Jasmantine Trail. Anthropologists have traced the origin of this tradition to a native ritual undertaken by the penitent seeking to purge their sins through hardship.]

Look. If you want to write about Abrahamic religion, write about Abrahamic religion. It is totally fine to wave your hands and say that Christianity or Islam exists in the pokeworld but was never mentioned because it was never relevant. But it’s really tacky and disrespectful of you to take a Hindu-inspired mythology and force it into an Abrahamic shape.

This looks like an interesting premise for a story, but this prologue doesn’t give us much to go on. We only get to know the protagonist for one scene where he is an unsympathetic dickweed, which doesn’t give me much reason to care about him. It would be stronger if you gave us a snapshot of him in the present day so we could gauge for ourselves how remorseful he really seems, instead of just having newspaper articles to go on. It might actually work better if we don’t directly see the abuse scene ourselves and you allow Wren to give his own account later – the pilgrimage seems like it’s going to be the meat of the plot, after all, and it’s best to get to that as soon as possible.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12908764/1/Off-To-Become-A-Pokemon-Master

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties, this thread has clearer instructions: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12908777/1/Feelings-of-Gratitude

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon. However, you shouldn’t capitalize species names either, for the same reasons.

[the blue-haired youth]

Drawing attention to odd anime visual riffs is awkward in prose. It’s probably a better idea to keep to real hair colors.

[the professor Oak]

When titles are appended to names, they are capitalized. So this should be “Professor Oak”.

[Kanto and Johto’s foremost pokémon authority]

Aw, does Elm not get any respect? :p

[“I… I don’t like to talk…” the newcomer, an elegant looking girl with short black-hair, dressed in a frilly black and white dress, spoke.]

“Spoke” is, ironically, not a speech verb, so the narration here needs to be a separate sentence.

[completely unaffiliated with Oak, mind you]

The general you sounds awkward in third-person, so I’d recommend rephrasing this.

[Doesn’t that happen to almost everyone who goes on an adventure?]

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well. This applies to all narration, even thoughts. You can write thoughts in present tense, but they need to be italicized or have some other marker to distinguish them from narration.

[Lucas just couldn’t help it, he went speechless.]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

[In an instant, the boulder flashed in a blinding light; obscuring the entire route.]

This is improper semicolon usage. As a general rule of thumb, you should be able to replace semicolons with periods and still have the resulting sentences make sense; for instance, what I’m doing here. A comma would be fine here.

[What once was an uninteresting, dirtied plateau, was now a wondrous garden.]

The last comma shouldn’t be there. If you have trouble with sentence structure, I’d recommend getting a beta reader to help you.

[5 seconds later]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

[“So, what happens now?” He suddenly asked]

Dialogue formatting rules remain constant regardless of punctuation, so this should be [“So, what happens now?” he suddenly asked].

This is decent, but the opening bit feels awkward, as the wooden game dialogue is at odds with the quippier dialogue you give Lucas. It’s also weird the way he talks so little there when he’s so chatty at the end. Sometimes it’s best to adjust game scenes a little to more naturally inject the PC into the conversation.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12908952/1/The-Legend-Of-Ash-Ketchum

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties, this thread has clearer instructions: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

[Aura,Powerful,Smart-Ash]

At a certain point, you really need to ask yourself why you’re so uncomfortable admitting you want to write about an OC that you have to staple Ash’s face over theirs. Just write about your OC. Trying to force this to hit the same beats as canon to justify it being Ash will just cheapen the changes you’ve made and make the entire thing more boring as you take what could be an original plotline and hammer it back into the same shape as always.

Centering all your text makes it difficult to read.

Non-story entries are banned on this site. This should go in an author’s note above your first chapter.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12909229/1/Pokemon-Sinnoh-Adventures

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

This is a mess. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12909241/1/The-World-Of-Pokemon-Explained

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[A million years ago, a tiny, highly dense, highly radioactive meteor hit the planet somewhere in the Hoenn region. Having the size of a soccer ball but the mass of a house, it sank through the dirt like water.

Its incredible radiation spread through the planet. Humans adapted to survive, and became far more resistant to that radiation.

Small animals and bacteria began to rapidly mutate and evolve also. In just a couple dozen generations, there were lizards that used exothermic biochemical reactions to spit fire, giant tortoises, dinosaur-like monsters that allowed plants to grow on their backs in a symbiotic relationship, animals that evolved a super hard shell that looked exactly like rock or steel for camouflage, unicellular organisms that created gas around them to give the appearance of a ghost, even animals with psychic abilities.]

I appreciate what you’re trying to do here, but mundane explanations for pokemon really went out the window some time around Ho-oh literally resurrecting things. Pokemon are pretty explicitly designed with the idea that they are supernatural, and you have your work cut out for you if you want to come up with scientific explanations for things like voltorb, cryogonal, and misdreavus – it’s only the ghastly line where the actual ghostliness is ambiguous, all later ghost-types are pretty clearly meant to be actual ghosts. And you really can’t just drop “psychic abilities” in there like it’s on par with anything else – that is straight-up magic, “weird mutations” doesn’t really suffice as an explanation for me. And fairy moves are even more explicitly magic.

Since the lynchpin of all this is an element completely of your own invention, we really need more explanation on the meteor and the radiation. What is this radiation – surely scientists have studied it at least a little bit? Can it even be understood by scientific principles, or is it truly magical? I would accept this a lot more readily if you said outright that the radiation was magic. Even then, saying humans were arbitrarily resistant is a huge cop-out. We are no different from other animals; if monkeys were affected, we should be too. Why did humans, alone among the animal kingdom, resist the radiation? What happened to the ones who couldn’t “adapt”, did they become humanlike pokemon? Why did humans need to become resistant to survive in the first place, when it seems to have been a boon to everything else on the planet?

[As far as science knows, there are eighteen “types” of monsters. Due to the elemental nature of their abilities, some types have advantages over others: for example, water beats fire.]

That’s really not what elemental means, at least by the modern scientific definition. Indeed, it is very much worth examining why it is these traits that appear so universally “elemental” and not others. It has been pointed out many times throughout the fandom’s history that many of the type matchups do not in fact make obvious sense and there are reasonable scientific arguments for completely different matchups. The sheer variety of pokemon has also stretched many of the type mechanics to breaking by this point – we have poison-types that are normal animals with venom and we have poison-types that are literally just piles of toxic sludge. Why are both creatures vulnerable to earthquakes? It’s not impossible to explain this rationally, but the mechanics presented in the games are deeply contradictory taken at face value – if you want to really explain this, it’s not enough to just point at the existing mechanics.

[These monsters would battle amongst each other for local supremacy. It eventually came to be that all monsters in one area would be around the same strength level, as the weaker ones would be eaten and the stronger ones would be defeated by the very strongest monster in the area intending to keep its title.]

This isn’t anything like what we see in canon. In the anime pokemon tend to be peaceful and communal among their own species and sometimes even others; in the games there are no alpha boss monsters. From the bit about strength level I presume you are trying to explain the level variance across areas, but that’s really obviously a gameplay abstraction with no logical explanation, unless you intend to posit that trainers from the eighth city in a gym circuit start with pokemon already in the 40s?

[After battle, monsters would rapidly mutate due to the radiation that built up in their systems during battle similar to human adrenaline.]

Those things are not remotely comparable. Adrenaline is a chemical, radiation is a form of energy. Do you mean to say that their bodies naturally produce the radiation themselves? How exactly does that work, when the radiation was initially a totally alien and external force? I’m really confused here. You should explain this in more detail.

[These mutations might just make them stronger, allow them to learn new abilities, or even make them metamorphose into different, stronger monsters.]

Like the psychic powers earlier, one of these things is not like the others. Pokemon evolution is nothing like anything in the real world, except perhaps insect metamorphosis. A remora can become an octopus. If these creatures were originally ordinary animals… something very, very strange must have happened here. Pokemon bodies appear to be completely malleable in the face of this energy, able to completely reorganize their body plans in the span of seconds. That’s incredibly weird. Again, what is this radiation that is capable of such profound effects? How did ordinary animals undergo such a complete change in order to utilize it like this?

[For millennia, humans lived in fear of these monsters. They were far too powerful. Other species that had remained unmutated were driven into extinction by the monsters. Humans leveled clearings into forests and carved cliffs into mountains to build cities where the Pokemon would be too scared to go.]

And now we get into the most crucial question in any pokehistory discussion: how did humans evolve alongside pokemon and survive? I’m not convinced by this explanation. Not even modern cities could repel a concerted attack by creatures with the powers of pokemon; the products of early humans would not last a second. In the real world we rose to the top because weapons of wood, stone, and copper were sufficient to keep most animals at bay, but even a single pokemon would laugh in the face of those. And a psychic type wouldn’t even need to break down barricades; it could just teleport in and start liquefying brains.

[Due to that very slow moving technology, monsters even began evolving to camouflage among man-made objects.]

This explanation sounds reasonable, but think about the underlying forces here. What benefit does this give them? The ability to infiltrate cities? You said that was the only thing keeping humans alive, so that should have been a slam dunk, bye-bye humans. Canon also doesn’t support this very strongly, as we only see object pokemon mimicking very recent inventions even though simpler technologies still exist. (This is of course because they are based on Japanese youkai which exist by no logic; trying to fit them to a scientific model is going to be an uphill battle.) Did older mimics disappear? Why?

[With strong enough monsters, you could finally go places.]

The general you sounds awkward in third-person, and especially in encyclopedic texts such as these. “Go places” is also informal slang that’s at odds with the otherwise formal presentation of this.

[Between the regions, a battling system was universally agreed upon: if you lost, you paid the winner.]

Why? What value does money have in a world where you can be wiped out at any moment by horrific monsters? You’ve painted a picture of an extremely bleak world where humans are underdogs struggling against extinction. Why would they divide their resources in this way, and not unite against a common foe? Even in the games, think about how often players complain that there’s nothing worth spending money on. It seems to me that the real value of battling would be the levels gained, making battles a mutually beneficial arrangement.

[Quickly, the absolute strongest trainer rose to leadership in each town. They would build a gym: a place of training, and anyone could go there to challenge them for leadership.

In an entire region, the number one strongest trainer was sovereign leader. To challenge for that position, you needed to prove yourself in a series of trials. First, you had to travel around the region; which in itself was hard, defeat a minimum of eight gym leaders, collecting their badge to prove your victory, then travel through a “victory road,” a place where the most powerful monsters dwelled.

When you finally made it to the “League,” which was deliberately built where those strongest monsters lived, you had to defeat the “Elite Four” all in one sitting.

The “Elite Four” were four strong trainers, each specializing in one “type” of monster. The position was hereditary.]

You’re really not thinking about this. This is all very simplistic ad-hoc justification because you know this is how it has to end up. There is no reason to assume the league setup is traditional, or that it would look anything like its modern incarnation if it was. (Consider the Olympics and all the mutations it has accumulated since its origins.) Certainly, Alola didn’t adhere to this practice.

[One day, about a hundred thousand years ago, someone perfected the Pocket Ball.]

Nope. The pre-pokeball era is in living memory, and anime canon gives the date as 1925, less than a century before present day.

[This was accomplished by slightly shrinking the nucleus and slightly growing the electrons inside the atoms of the monster. The electrons would orbit closer to the nucleus, causing the atoms, and thus the monster, to shrink to the size of one’s pocket.]

So close and yet so far… Shrinking objects by shrinking the electron cloud does sound plausible to me (though it is just as likely to screw up molecular bonds and atomize everything), but changing the mass of the particles themselves is just ludicrous. It would completely overturn our understanding of quantum physics if such a thing were possible. This explanation raises far more questions than it answers.

Overall, this whole piece feels very superficial and disappointing. You don’t seem to be thinking in terms of emergent properties, just using the most convenient handwave to get from Point A to Point B. The explanations also just… aren’t very interesting. So you’re saying these incredibly varied creatures with wondrous magical powers were just totally normal, physical beings, not fundamentally different from us at all, and only exist because of deus ex machina magic radiation that you’re never going to mention again? That’s such an underwhelming answer. Cosmological truths should *matter*. They should have some impact on the present day, make us see things in a new light. Take the popular competing theory, for instance, that humans are aliens to the planet and pokemon are the native life forms. This raises interesting questions about if it’s even possible for humans to truly coexist, as well as some interesting ecological themes – is it right for us to intrude on this world and subjugate its inhabitants? You are submitting this to a fanfiction archive, remember – even if you don’t intend to make a story out of this, you should think about the possibilities and inspirations you can create with it.

If you are interested in further explorations down this rabbit hole, the story “Gods and Demons: ad terminos terrae” does some theorizing of its own, and brings up some of the themes I’ve discussed.

Interestingly, Dragon’s Blaze gave this one a real review that was even slightly critical.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12909267/1/Psyduck-s-Time-To-Shine

Blocked, previously reviewed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12909906/1/Something-in-common

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties, this thread has clearer instructions: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing the word “pokemon” itself. However, species names shouldn’t be capitalized either, for the same reasons.

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

36 Comments

  1. Act says:

    So in the time between posting the previous review and writing this, the author blocked me. Even more bizarrely, they later undid the block and requested another review. There are no heckler reviews, so they must have been in contact with the author through PM.

    Oh man, this is the guy who gave the pokemorphs huge tits and said skirts were degrading! That was years ago. I wonder if this will end up as fetishfic too?

    1. Oh, so they are! It looks like this story is a remake of that one. It hasn’t gotten to the actual transformation part yet, so maybe. I did actually follow it to see how it continued, but it hasn’t updated yet.

    2. Cerrie says:
      I’m sorry but deal with it!
      1. What are you talking about?

        1
      2. Act says:

        As usual, I have no idea what you’re even trying to say.

        1
  2. ? says:

    story is gross porn with no obvious grammar mistakes

    Briefly skimming it, it looks like the apostrophes for possessives are consistently missing

    1. I mean, if you want to review it, be my guest.

      1. ? says:
        I was just saying it does appear to have obvious granmatical errors.
        1. ? says:
          “Granmatical”. Hoist by my own petard, I slink away in shame.
          2
    2. GrittyGrant says:
      So if it’s “gross porn” do yo umean it as MA rated content, because that kind of content is banned by the site. There are quite the amount of people who think M and MA are the same.
      1. ? says:
        Indeed explicit porn is supposed to be disallowed ever since they removed the NC-17 rating and NC-17 rated fics. (I think that they renamed the ratings at some point after that?)
        1. Cerrie says:

          Actually all porn and lemons are outlawed. The 2012 purge targeted most stories in the popular communities of it. They don’t do it anymore because the vast amount of stories they removed (with some communities loses up to 30% of their stories) actually messed up the sites codes and lead to a host of glitches that continue to this day.

          1. GrittyGrant says:
            So any glitches that people experience on the site today can be blamed on people who thought they were above the rules? Sounds fair to me.
  3. Cerrie says:
    Take a guess how many have blocked you after this?
    1
  4. Comment chains have gotten messed up, so I’m posting this here to start a new seed.

    @Blaze: The reviewing agreement was for one day. I let it continue because I wanted to let the blog posts catch up a little, but you’ve been doing such a terrible job I’ve felt the need to start reviewing again.

    3
    1. Cerrie says:
      Bullshit St! You know it! Your whole reason was “No one gives reviewsx” not “Give reviews my way”

       

      God danm it. 

      1. Farla says:

        Blaze, if all of us say one thing and you keep hearing another, there really isn’t anything we can do about that. You can pay attention to what people say or keep being mad about imaginary things.

        2
        1. Cerrie says:
          You say one thing and do the iother Farla. I did excatly want you said. “I fucking reviewed the new stories!” 
          1. Farla says:

            You’re welcome to go look at what was actually said and try to find a quote.

            3
      2. Talarc says:

        Your whole reason was “No one gives reviewsx” not “Give reviews my way”

        The original suggestion was that you write positive, but detailed comments that addressed what you thought worked in the story. Neither Elmo nor I promised to stop reviewing for any longer than one day.

        In any case, the content of your reviews over this past week proves to me, at least, that there’s still room for proper concrit reviews in the Pokémon category. If you’re not covering the same things as Elmo and me in your reviews, then you can’t expect to completely take our place. 

        1
  5. Roc says:
    Oh dear… The haters are on the prowl again.

    People are starting to post more rule-breaking “stories” aimed directly towards you.

    Why do people think this is okay?

    1
    1. Talarc says:

      I’ll never understand the mentality behind that, though I suppose it could be seen as an admission that they’ve lost the argument if they need to try and incite the community against us in this way. If we’re as evil as they claim, then surely the community would be able to see it for themselves without needing to be reminded every few days, but whatever. 

      In any case, the more non-stories they post, the more legitimate stories will be pushed off the front page and there have already been people angry about that. Once they realise how pointless it is, I’m sure they’ll eventually stop. 

      1
      1. Cerrie says:

        I’ll never understand the mentality behind that, though I suppose it could be seen as an admission that they’ve lost the argument if they need to try and incite the community against us in this way.

        Its because the community doesn’t hang out in forums. The site is so bad to negavate that doing so is the quickist way.

        If we’re as evil as they claim, then surely the community would be able to see it for themselves without needing to be reminded every few days, but whatever. 

        You do know that its to tell the newbies.

        In any case, the more non-stories they post, the more legitimate stories will be pushed off the front page and there have already been people angry about that.

        Given most people don’t read because of you guys I can say right now that’s stupid.

        Once they realise how pointless it is, I’m sure they’ll eventually stop. 

        As pointless as what you do?

        1. Roc says:
          [Its because the community doesn’t hang out in forums. The site is so bad to negavate that doing so is the quickist way.]

          So… are you saying it’s okay to break the rules?

          1. GrittyGrant says:
            The end justifies the means, don’t you know?

            Personalyl I really do abhor that kind of conduct on the site.  These people are so happy to knock actual stories off the first page (and mind you, not many do go past the first page) just so they can post their childish trite of a rant against people they don’t like.

            The same goes for various excuses of “parodies” that are targeting Elmo, Farla, Talarc, etc etc. Those aren’t parodies. These people wouldn’t know parody if it hit them in their faces with a two by four.

            1
            1. Cerrie says:

              These people are so happy to knock actual stories off the first page

              Being on the front page doesn’t lead to the story being seen. They can be easily passed over, even a gripping syummary does work.  A story has  to be spoken of by a reader and the knowledge spread. They need more then one person yelling about supposed mistakes (which doesn’t tell readers anything, and again can turn people who know Elmo’s off reading them)

              Furthermore what counts as the front page depends of the search in question. Certain people willl only read certain stories. An Amourshipper will only read an Amourshipping story for instance.

              Having these things replace stories is stupid yes, but complaining that they hurt your story because they kick it off the front page is kinda childish and misunderstands the other issue.

              Namely you can’t just post and dash.

              Reply
            2. Roc says:
              But it’s still against the rules.

              I’m sorry, but it doesn’t matter how much you try to justify this behaviour, Blaze. It’s against the rules and it belongs in a forum.

              It’s written in the site guidelines:

              Entries not allowed:

              1. Non-stories: lists, bloopers, polls, previews, challenges, author notes, and etc.
              2. One or two liners.
              3. MST: comments inserted in between the flow of a copied story.
              4. Stories with non-historical and non-fictional characters: actors, musicians, and etc.
              5. Any form of interactive entry: choose your adventure, second person/you based, Q&As, and etc.
              6. Chat/script format and keyboard dialogue based entries.

              Also, I would like to see proof that justifies you and Istwill’s claims concerning grammar issues like dialogue.

              4
              Reply
            3. CrazyEd says:

              > RPF, chatfic, and second person stories are banned on FFN

              Good lord, something good has come from that site. I can’t believe it.

              Reply
  6. Cerrie says:

    slim pickings otherwise

    What can we say? You’re welcome.

    1. Okay Blaze, I’ve been tolerant for a while, but I draw the line at insulting authors for taking our advice. You do not get to drag other people into this.

      2
      1. Cerrie says:

        I don’t insult them St. If they don’t fight me they don’t get fought. Also seriously for the so called Tolarnce you seriously have a problem with authors doing things there own wway and people opposing you.

        1
        1. Okay then, would you prefer the term “threaten”? Because “Also don’t that their advice to heart. They are a minority. It effectively is writer suicide.” could also be described that way.

          If you attack a bystander again, you will be banned from this blog. You can vent here or there, but not both. The same applies to Istwill, as I will be acting under the assumption that he is an extension of your will. I don’t care if you know him personally or not, if you’re in good enough contact to get him to do this in the first place you’re in good enough contact to rein him in.

          You have been warned.

          4

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