[16] The Other Pokereviews, Part 113

A few stories with pokemon whisperers that do not seem to be going anywhere good.

Anime count: 7

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12960886/1/A-little-love-Story-with-Lucario-and-Braixen

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

You don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context. It’s also jarring to switch POVs multiple times within the same chapter; stories are more immersive if they’re told from one viewpoint.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[A Lucario was walking up to school, singing to himself just to pass the time of the ten-minute walk, his voice just loud enough for him to hear, his song one of any words that pop into his mind. With a deep blue jacket and black pants on, he looks like a normal teenager walking to school, a silver-like backpack on his back.]

Okay, so, the thing about pokemon is that they *don’t* look like normal human teenagers. I’m genuinely not sure why you’re writing this about pokemon when you seem to really prefer writing about humans. Writing realistic fiction is always an option; if you’re writing fanfiction, you should ask yourself what you can do with these characters that you can’t do with original fiction.

Most pertinently, I come to this category to read stories about Pokemon, not generic high school romance, so this story really doesn’t interest me and there’s nothing more I can really say about it. I really think you’d accumulate a better audience if you reskinned this as original fiction and published it on Fictionpress.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12960996/1/Pokemon-Theta-Emerald-Nuzlocke

Blocked, MeganSH051.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12961077/1/Pokemon-a-soldier-s-relief

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic to avoid this problem. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

I should not have to tell you that “I” is capitalized. It is extremely rude and inconsiderate of you to put so little effort into making your story comprehensible.

Otherwise covered by Talarc.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12961230/1/Journey-I-Take-Pok%C3%A9mon-I-Meet

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[I was made to work in the daycare every day for dad feared]

[I’m not your Mommy.]

You’re a bit inconsistent here – if you’re unsure of the standard, titles (such as “mom” or “dad”) are capitalized only when used in place of names (like “Dad” in the first quote here).

[and one day, *CRACK* a little Eevee pushed its way out.]

Depicting noises this way looks weird outside of script writing – something like “with a loud crack, a little eevee…” would flow better.

You should put double spaces between dialogue lines like you do for paragraphs; that makes them easier to follow.

You’re formatting dialogue inconsistently. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[I hope he’s ok…]

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced “ock”, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

So, you probably know that eevee starters and pokemon communication are extremely overused traits. Everything can be done well, but you should think about why you’re including them and what you want to do with them. If they’re just there to make your protagonist look special, the novelty is going to fade very quickly.

You have a reasonable justification for the eevee, but I’m more concerned with the casual pokespeech ability. Agatha knows that the creatures her culture treats as animals to be carted around as labor for humans are actually fully sapient creatures. Why isn’t she bothered by this? Why doesn’t she try to convince everyone else to treat pokemon better? You have her act nice to the abused pansage, but this isn’t just an issue of a few bad apples. The trainer system is inherently unequal: pokemon are taken from their homes, do all of the work, get none of the credit, and have no say in any of this. It’s not just that this one trainer was horrifically abusive, it’s that the system allowed that abuse of power in the first place, and even now the pansage’s best option is only to attach himself to another trainer and pray she won’t betray him like the last one did. For every pokemon Agatha saves, there are a dozen that will slip through the cracks.

[“That means you need a name… I think Basil suits you perfectly.”]

And this is one of the best demonstrations of how messed up this is. Why doesn’t this social creature get to have something as fundamental as his own *name*? Why is it up to trainers to give them something so core to their identity?

It’s nice that you’re having the pokemon be so talkative, but all this (and the fact that her response to Basil is to make everything about her) really saps my hope that this will be an important part of the plot. If you’re going to make such a huge change to the normal trainer setup, you should really think through the implications and how it will affect other things, not just use it as a quirk.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12961344/1/Leaderboard

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[“What’s shakin’ miss secretary?” She mused.]

When paired narration describes how dialogue is said, it’s part of the same sentence and is punctuated accordingly. So this should be [“What’s shakin’ miss secretary?” she mused.] “Mused” also means “to think aloud”, which doesn’t seem to be what you meant here.

[If you recall, he was briefly in control of Indigo Plateau and placed a hit on 7 individuals, 4 of which were previous champions of Indigo]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

I like how detailed this prose is, and how much personality you’re giving the characters. However, I’m not sure how well this can carry a whole story. There don’t seem to be any meaningful stakes or conflicts at play – no one seems to need the money or prestige for anything pressing, so I have no real investment in who will win or lose. That points to this story just being a series of battles, but while that’s fun in a video game where you’re actually playing it, it’s not too interesting to read about in prose.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12961513/1/War-of-the-Fables-Arc-1-Cinders-and-Wildfires

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

Centering all your text makes it difficult to read.

I’m not too fond of using the term “legendaries” in fic. It’s very much a fandom term, as it’s a shorthand for the canon term “legendary pokemon”. It’s also much too general given the actual range of power of legendaries. Legendaries like latios seem to be merely rare beasts, while legendaries like Kyogre are gods.

[The God-Titan Arceus, after all, has never been challenged before.]

I’m also kinda burnt out on everything being about Arceus. Game-verse Arceus seems extremely chill – it doesn’t do anything even when the universe is being destroyed right under its nose. You have to take the fight to it, not the other way around. Given your premise you could argue that it came out of hiding and fell to this “primal madness”, but this still sounds like tacky video game writing where everything has to escalate towards the biggest most epic battle just because. Arceus is, quite frankly, really boring, and I kinda need more reason to care about it. Is there something about it that’s relevant to this beyond just “it’s really strong”?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[This Pokemon novel is a multimedia project. Cutscenes expanding on the characters and background will be uploaded to YouTube as they become available. Yamatoan lore and art will also be featured on the War of the Fables website when it goes live.]

This is a cool idea, but unfortunately this website is garbage and doesn’t allow external links, so this will be kind of difficult for you to do. Archive of Our Own allows links and I believe even embedded videos, so you could try posting there.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12961591/1/Earth-Sea-and-Sky-The-Drop-Of-Blood-That-Started-a-War

Covered by Talarc.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12961605/1/Shipping-Ash-A-Few-Words-At-A-Time

Ooh, actual drabbles, that’s nice to see.

I can’t comment on anything more, however, because I don’t watch the anime. It’s really in your best interest to tag this, as that’s the only way to make it come up when people actively search for anime fic.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12961675/1/Mortal-Occurence

Covered by Talarc.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12961850/1/Pokemon-Kanto-Journey

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12962097/1/Floop

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12962171/1/Children-of-Kanto

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12962552/1/Dawn-of-Another-Pokemon-Story

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12962613/1/Pokeshipping

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic to avoid this problem. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Non-story entries are banned on this site.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12962754/1/Ash-gets-the-champions

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic to avoid this problem. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[page BREAK]

You can accomplish this by adding a horizontal line through the in-site editor.

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show.

[i am working on improving my grammar, and I go to school so I am a very busy so I might not have time doing spelling checks all the time. If you red my profile you will know that I like to do spelling checks on IMPORTANT things.]

You can find lots of good grammar resources on the internet. Grammar Girl is one I know of.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12962982/1/The-Pok%C3%A9mon-association

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Maybe it’s just not clear, but Atsushi’s behavior seems off to me. With how emotional he’s behaving, this reads as if this is the first battle he’s ever seen. This is such a fundamental component of his culture that I don’t understand why he’s so surprised, or why he thinks such a simple argument would work. You claim he’s felt this way for a long time, but he’s behaving like a very amateur activist rather than someone who’s actually had experience with this issue.

I do like to see a story where the trainer is actually walking the walk on protecting pokemon, though.

Are you not a native speaker? While the writing of this story is technically quite good, much of the wording is awkward and strange. I’d recommend getting a beta reader to help you. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12963040/1/Kanto-Adventures-Dusk-trainer

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic to avoid this problem. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Non-story chapters are banned on this site, and you really don’t need extensive bios anyway. If this information is relevant, it should come up in the story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12963042/1/Forbidden-Access

Blocked, previously encountered.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12963212/1/Pyrrhic-Victory

Blocked, previously encountered.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12963220/1/The-King-s-Lemon-Collection

Blocked, previously reviewed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12960602/1/The-Legendaries

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

[My first fanfiction, about Legendary Pokémon.]

Summaries should tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

I’m not too fond of using the term “legendaries” in fic. It’s very much a fandom term, as it’s a shorthand for the canon term “legendary pokemon”. It’s also much too general given the actual range of power of legendaries. Legendaries like latios seem to be merely rare beasts, while legendaries like Kyogre are gods.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

It’s sexist to make the life god female and the death god male. They are both genderless in canon.

[the flowers sprung to life as she stepped on the ground..]

You’ve got an extra period here.

[invading each others domain]

This needs an apostrophe on “other’s”, to denote possession.

This doesn’t seem to have much to do with Pokemon. The gods here are acting way too human compared to their animalistic personalities in canon; you’re even giving them human forms, so they don’t even look different. It sounds like you’d enjoy writing about the Greek or Norse pantheons more, if you want to write about themes more generally applicable to humanity.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12960530/1/The-Return-of-The-Champion

Blocked, previously reviewed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12960454/1/Pok%C3%A9morphs-Secrets-Discovered

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

[A teenage girl spun around as she surveyed her surroundings, everything was dark and a thick fog swirled at her feet.]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

[Peter, I swear to Arceus]

Why is a Kalosian swearing by a Sinnohan deity? Using Arceus in place of God sounds ridiculous and has no basis in canon. It’s fine to just use “God”.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[When her brother fails to receive a starter pokémon from Professor Sycamore, she decides to act as his pokémon so he can live out his dream.]

This premise is more than a little weird and quite frankly makes me suspicious there is a fetish going on here. We don’t stuff our siblings in capsules, and having the things getting beaten up for the trainer’s benefit look and act human just further demonstrates how bizarre the trainer setup is in the first place. I really hope you’re going to engage more with Charlie’s own dreams and desires instead of having her just be a cheerleader for Peter.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12960453/1/Catching-Misty

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic to avoid this problem. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12960416/1/Pokemon-Twilight

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic to avoid this problem. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Crossovers belong in their own section.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12963777/1/An-Alola-Journey

Blocked, previously encountered. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12963831/1/Avidity

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

Summaries should tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[a solid 3 minutes]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

[Sitting at 5ft7]

Giving exact measurements may seem helpful to readers, but it’s actually more unclear, because most people don’t have an immediate mental reference for exact measurements. It’s much clearer to say “he was of average height” or “a little tall”.

[“…”]

This is a visual art convention and doesn’t work in prose.

This is full of really weird punctuation errors that make the story hard to follow. You need to proofread more thoroughly, or get a beta reader if you have trouble. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

[First of all, the main plot; The concept of a Pokemon Academy simply has too much potential to not be exploited.]

I disagree. I’ve seen lots of pokemon academy fics, and every single one has fizzled due to the author not having any plot planned out in advance. A setting, no matter how impressive, isn’t enough to carry a story on its own. If you have a cool idea that sets you apart from the crowd, you should show us what it is.

[Basically, to obtain a trainer license and beginning one’s adventure, you need to either graduate from the Academy, interning under a known Pokemon authority like the rangers or a professor, or waiting until one is 21 years old and take an exam without any assurance of success running only on self studies.]

So… what does this add, exactly? It’s fine to make major departures from canon, but you should think about why you’re making them. This looks like it’s effectively making pokemon training – the main draw of the setting – into an elite clique accessible only to the most talented and privileged. That may make the main characters feel more special, but personally I don’t feel that’s worth the change it makes to the overall setting. Now pokemon training isn’t an intrinsic part of the culture, just an isolated hobby practiced by supergeniuses.

It’s reasonable to say that there are tiers of pokemon training and this academy is for qualification into professional tournaments or something, similarly to how anyone can participate in high school sports but national leagues are highly selective. But saying you can’t even swim in the kiddie pool until you graduate from university just makes me balk.

[I’d ask you if it would be better to make him have a full team before being admitted or not, or even if he should have more than 6 Pokemons throughout the four years of his stay there?]

You need to specify responses must be through PM only. Review-baiting, such as asking people to answer questions in reviews, is against the rules of this site and for good reason.

My personal opinion is that this is an extremely important choice that will determine the power level and personal arc of the entire story, and is thus something you should have figured out before now.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12963921/1/Ashfall

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic to avoid this problem. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

That said, I’m not sure why you’re using Ash at all when the protagonist doesn’t sound anything like him? Especially if you’re using such a game-centric premise, I don’t know why you don’t just use the game protagonist.

Non-story chapters are banned on this site. This should go above your first chapter, not stand on its own.

3 Comments

  1. Ghost Of Us says:

    Line breaks don’t show up on the mobile app, I’m afraid. They’d be better off using ellipse for line breaks




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    1. Godly Pika Y says:

      The mobile app lacks line breaks? 




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      1. Ghost Of Us says:

        Yep. No button that can put them in and if you do it through the browser it won’t show in the story. I’ve had to switch between ellipses and minus symbols because if you spam them to make a line break the app just wipes them away. It’s annoying to deal with.




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