[16] The Other Pokereviews, Part 106

Something about an established trainer trying to summon Arceus to heal his daughter of magic sickness. Not much of note, otherwise.

Anime count: 5

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12916128/1/Do-you-remember-me

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties, this thread has clearer instructions: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

Got blocked after this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12916137/1/World-of-Champions

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Not using paragraphs makes me not want to read your story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12916165/1/Kanto-Leave-Without-Dinner

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties, this thread has clearer instructions: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12916225/1/Pokemon-The-Sorah-Region

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties, this thread has clearer instructions: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader. Also, a new speaker requires a new paragraph.

[(I got the name from Paradox547’s Pokemon Journey:Adventures in Kalos, Great story check it out!)]

Including author’s notes in the middle of a story is not a good idea. Stories run on immersion and suspension of disbelief; interrupting the story and pointing to the wires shatters that, much like an actor breaking character in a theater production.

This one has an actual review from Dragon’s Blaze.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12916428/1/Legendary-War

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing the word “pokemon” itself. However, species names shouldn’t be capitalized either, for the same reasons.

[With the help of Deoxys, he’s shaping up a war that’s sure to change the entire universe, however his murky intentions might prove to be fatal.]

The last comma is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

Your story jumps between past and present tense, which is extremely jarring and distracting. You need to pick one tense and stick to it.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[slight chirps by irrelevant bugs in the area]

I’m not sure if “irrelevant” is the word you want here.

[“Mewtwo?” Bradfield exclaimed. There stood the original legendary pokémon himself.]

Mewtwo was cloned from another legendary pokemon, so it can’t possibly be “original”. Mewtwo has a lot of unique traits, but that isn’t one of them.

[Eyes glowing with purple rage.]

This is a sentence fragment. You have a few more like this throughout the chapter. I’d recommend reading up on sentence structure.

[This elevator lead to a bank]

You want “led”. “Lead” is for present tense only. Yes, this is the opposite of how “read” works. English is silly sometimes.

[wrapped in plasmid tie]

I think you meant “plasma”. A plasmid is a piece of DNA.

[it’s chest]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

[Jesus, what happened?]

Thank you for not using Arceus here.

[And now, it’s time for nature to finally come around.]

This is a weird thing for Mewtwo to say, since he’s not natural. I think I get what you’re saying here, but a more general “it’s time for payback” or something would be more fitting.

[Mewtwo walked up two him]

You want “to” (two is the number), and Deoxys is genderless.

[“I can transform into a fighting half breed. Using that transformation, I trained myself to become resistant to certain dark type items and effects.]

That seems a bit convoluted – Mewtwo actually has a high Attack stat naturally, so he should be able to break physical bonds regardless.

[“I need your help Deoxys. Me and you are going to kill Arceus.”]

That’s pretty random, but a good cliffhanger! I approve of deicide on general principles.

[TO BE CONTINUED…]

This isn’t necessary in prose.

This is a neat idea, but your prose is very awkward, and at times it’s hard to understand what you’re saying. I recommend reading up a bit more on grammar and sentence structure, and possibly getting a beta reader to help you. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12916441/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Ontoria-s-Journey

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

And… this preface doesn’t tell us much about the story either. I understand the impulse to lay out all your setting information first, but that stuff actually isn’t terribly important in the long run. What the story is really going to be about is your protagonist and her journey, right? That’s what readers are going to be emotionally invested in. People will enjoy these setting details more when they have emotional context for it. It may also make for a better story to make these details a bit of a mystery and only reveal them slowly over time.

But unfortunately, as it is, this doesn’t give me much to go on; there are a lot of stories with a similar premise, but you haven’t shown what makes your story unique. If you do include something like this, you should probably put it above your first chapter, or at least post the first chapter at the same time; most books do not intend for their prefaces to stand alone.

Finally, you wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12916583/1/Let-s-Take-Our-Time

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[Heat from the sun’s rays only seemed to intensify with each step, I knew today was going to be a hot]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition. You have others throughout the story, and they’re a little distracting; I’d recommend reading up on punctuation and sentence structure.

[And from the looks of things, it wouldn’t stop numerous other with us either.]

I’m not sure what you mean here. You may have made a typo.

[fellow trainers of varies body types]

I think you meant “various” here.

[It did however, seem to bother Sam, who flicked his eyes to me, before quickly flicking them back forward, his face turning red.]

Why is a furred creature attracted to a hairless one? I guess you could just say he’s a reverse furry, but it always strikes me as odd when romance authors say this without further comment.

[I gave him a comforting smile, “I get it,”]

When narration doesn’t contain a speaking verb, it’s considered a separate sentence from dialogue and is punctuated accordingly. So this should be [I gave him a comforting smile. “I get it,”]

Wait what, pokemon can talk in this? That raises oodles of ethical questions about why humans are okay with owning talking, sapient creatures like property.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12916680/1/Blues-Notes

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[risk being broke, or worse, boredom]

This structure is odd – for parallelism, they should both be either adjectives or nouns. “Or worse, bored” would work here.

[Nikolai is incapable of recognizing]

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well.

[the Grand Dame of Sinnoh]

That’s a rather… questionable title for a champion. The term has historically had some misogynist implications. It’s probably better to just call her the champion.

[Team Galactic, for all their scientific posturing, had been a cult, Nikolai knew cults.]

The last comma here is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

I’m not too fond of using the term “legendaries” in fic. It’s very much a fandom term, as it’s a shorthand for the canon term “legendary pokemon”. It’s also much too general given the actual range of power of legendaries. Legendaries like latios seem to be merely rare beasts, while legendaries like Kyogre are gods.

[Or was the world in a state that didn’t need such monsters at the commands of petty wishes?]

I’m not sure what this means. Whether or not the world needs god monsters shouldn’t have any impact on whether the cults succeed. They all fail because of meddling kids, not because the universe smacks them down for it.

[FIckle things.]

Typo.

This is an interesting concept! I like that you’re using an established, older trainer with a really specific motive (and I also like that Dawn is the champion). This is a pretty good opening chapter that lays out a lot of details really well. Your prose feels off in a way I can’t quite articulate, though – some of your sentences are structured oddly, and you sometimes use similes and imagery that don’t make a lot of sense. Like, saying the Reversal Flu’s symptoms “came and went like a machine” just sounds random to me. Ideally, similes and imagery should have some thematic connection to the story or greater point, though this is of course difficult to do all the time. It might be worth getting a beta reader to help you.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12916749/1/The-Two-Colors-Pink-and-Blue

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

It’s really confusing to switch between POVs. If you do this, you should have some marker to note that it’s different than a normal paragraph break. FFN is unfortunately determined to make this difficult for you because it strips double breaks and most standalone symbols, but Archive of Our Own will let you do this with no issues.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[“I’m up, I’m up…” She muttered]

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[Alright, love you mom.]

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. Start where your plot starts; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12916916/1/Porygon-Wild

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[This boy is Ray, and he just turned eleven. As per tradition, he is about to get his first Pokémon from the local professor.]

That’s not actually tradition – everyone except Elm gives it to you as a special favor. Especially in the manga, we see lots of kids who get their pokemon through other means. You go on to say that Oak is paying this place a special visit anyway, so it would be fine to say Ray’s excited that he’s going to get a special pokemon rather than having to catch one himself or something like that.

[He breathed out a sigh and made his way through the crowd]

Starting here, you switch the story to past tense, which is a jarring change. You should stick to one tense consistently throughout the story.

[Or at least, he tries to look up porn. An eleven-year-old can only get so far, you might think, but no. They’re smarter than you give them credit for.]

And I was just about to praise the opening for being cute, but I see you’ve just descended to lowest common denominator. Is this really necessary?

[starts to move its letters around to say “Hello, Ray.”]

You need lead-in punctuation even when the narration comes before the dialogue. So there should be a comma after “say” here.

[RAY WHATEVERYOURLASTNAMEIS! GET OUT HERE, NOW!]

Yeah this has just become too absurd to take seriously. Put a little more effort into this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12916924/1/The-Life-of-Ash-and-Serena

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic to avoid this problem. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties, this thread has clearer instructions: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

I should not have to tell you that stories need paragraphs. Put a bare minimum of effort into this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12917193/1/Pokemon-Kalos-Burst

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic to avoid this problem. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties, this thread has clearer instructions: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

[Lumiose City]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

[a plane was making it’s way to Lumiose City.]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12917207/1/The-non-pokemon-world

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

You need to split your story into paragraphs. Without them, this story is too much work to read.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12917401/1/Pokemon-Gijinka-High-Tale-of-Legends

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[A young girl who has blue hair and yellow eyes, wearing a blue dress with red lines running down it, her midsection is exposed, she also has the same lines running down her entire body, the dress has a white lining and has four longer strips down the back. The dress is knee length, but the strips are ankle length. She is Katie, a Kyogre, and she is ready for school, after getting her blue backpack.]

I genuinely do not understand what you are trying to do here. There is some interesting potential in primal gods being forced into human settings, but you’re having them behave exactly like humans anyway. If the only connection this has to Pokemon is purely visual, you should be drawing a comic instead.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12917487/1/Nostalgia-in-the-Pokemon-Night-Cafe

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[Apart from the black cape and large rugged black and blue fedora, he has the same appearance as any other Lucario.]

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well.

[FLASHBACK

Few years ago]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

Even by the standards of AUs, this doesn’t really have anything to do with Pokemon. If your pokemon characters are just acting like humans with magic powers, why not write them as such? I strongly recommend publishing this as an original fantasy story with an “inspired by” label on the top instead. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165030563/1/Original-Fiction

Blocked after this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12921639/1/A-World-of-Monsters

[Have you ever though how strange it is that pokemon and humans get along?]

No.

There are literally hundreds if not thousands of gritty stories about people fighting evil magic monsters. If I wanted to read about that, I could pick just about anything off the fantasy shelf. The coexistence between humans and pokemon is what makes Pokemon unique and interesting. If that bores you and you want to write something more in line with standard fantasy, you should consider writing original fiction instead (or a video game, if it’s the powers that interest you). Since so many of their powers are geared towards fighting each other, pokemon don’t work very well as a monolithic opposition.

Unfortunately, I can’t read your story anyway, because it’s got coding errors. Preview your story before posting it.

I do appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon, though.

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