[16] The Other Pokereviews, Part 114

I’m seeing concrit reviews on stories for the first time in a while! I was able to skip some stories because of this.

Several weird entries today, including one thing that was just a religious pitch. Actual stories include an OT fic about Lysandre’s son that does not appear to be using Lysandre in any meaningful capacity, two shinies, and a grimdark Nuzlocke that actually looks pretty decent.

Anime count: 9

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12967930/1/Luxray-s-Fantasy

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic to avoid this problem. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You should make a more informative summary. Yes, I know this is porn, but you can make it clearer that it’s porn.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[(Dream world.)]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[just barley]

You want “barely”. Barley is a grain.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

I have seen barely anything of the anime and I can still tell this is incredibly OOC for Ash. An OC would probably be better for enacting this scenario.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12968597/1/One-Day-We-ll-Shine

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

This is really nice. I like the nonstandard protagonist and opening, and the little details like [Ethan’s family is rich. He doesn’t grasp why the other kids have Rattatas instead of Marills. He doesn’t grasp why they never shop in Goldenrod, or ski near Mahogany Town.] You’re doing a great job of thinking down to the minute details and it really fleshes out the world.

You’re also doing exposition really well. There are a lot of details you have to get across here, but you pace them well and they never feel intrusive. I particularly like that you’re portraying a more serious and dangerous world without going ridiculously over-the-top grimdark with it.

The only real criticism I have is that your narration sounds a bit too simplistic, like you’re struggling to integrate action and description together. This is a common thing for new authors to have trouble with, and I still struggle with it myself even though I’ve been writing for a while. I find that examining the style of good books I like can be helpful for teaching this skill.

This does end a little abruptly, though. It’s generally unwise to use cliffhangers in the first chapter, especially when you don’t have the next chapter posted yet. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – it should be a complete product that lets the reader know what to expect and whether to keep reading.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12968862/1/Pokemon-Jurassic-Poke-Park

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic to avoid this problem. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12969265/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Chrome

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one. It’s best if your title gives us an idea of what the story is about, instead of just being a variation on the generic pokemon title.

[Join Elliot Reed in his journey in the Chroma region. With the mysterious Team Pantheon, the talented rival Tom Redwood, and many others.]

Similar reasoning applies to the summary. Summaries should tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

[I nodded and smiled at him in reply as I looked around to find a seat, I saw a free seat by the window and took it.]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

[wearing a smart-looking black dress underneath her crisp white lab coat]

While I really like that you’re featuring a female professor, no scientist would be caught dead wearing this. Wearing a dress under a lab coat violates safety guidelines. If she was in a business meeting it’s reasonable she’d be wearing a dress and heels, but then she wouldn’t be wearing a lab coat; wearing lab coats outside of the lab is actually also a safety violation.

[She is known to be one of the smartest minds here in the Chroma Region. She had breakthroughs with Pokémon medical technology. She made great improvements with regards to the major surgeries that Pokémon in certain conditions have to undergo. She also made improvements to the modern day potion so that it could be more potent and retain the same price.]

Repetitive sentence structure like this sounds awkward. It sounds like we are just being read facts by a robot rather than being part of a narrative. You should try to vary these sentences a little, and maybe combine them into more complex sentences. You can inject a little opinion here too – what is significant about her findings, and what does the protagonist think about them?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[..and don’t you dare]

Ellipses are always three dots, never more or less.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Enh, does your protagonist really need to have a super special 1 in 8096 pokemon? Ralts are already extremely overused pokemon. Unless there is something specific you want to communicate through him having a shiny, it’s probably better to give him an ordinary pokemon, especially if you want to sell the narrative of him being an ordinary everyman.

[ We kept on battling with small potion breaks in between, he always brought extra with him especially when he wanted to challenge me to an all-out battle. We only had a few of these ever since we knew each other, and I knew that this particular instance was because he was leaving for his journey soon, so I obliged and went all out for our battle.]

If he’s leaving for a journey, shouldn’t he be conserving his potions?

[As the smokeclears]

Missing space.

[I just nod at him as I returned Kirlia into his ball while Tom did the same to his Grovyle.

“Mr. Reed, just stay at the laboratory’s dormitory, we have healing machines there for your Pokémon. It is quite late and I believe that the last bus have already departed a couple of hours ago.” I hear Professor Redwood tell me. I just nodded and went with them towards the laboratory.]

Was there supposed to be a scene break here? This seems like an abrupt transition.

I like that you have a lot of stuff happening here, and a somewhat different opening to the journey. Something feels off about your narration, though – it’s a bit stilted, like you have trouble conveying both information and emotion together. A lot of times it feels like the story is being interrupted so you can turn to the camera and explain something to us. If you read a lot of published books, you can get an idea of how to integrate the narrative better.

There also isn’t much of a hook at the moment. Do you have a plot for this? If you’re just trying to mimic the game, you’re going to peter out. That’s not an indictment of your skill, that’s based on years of observation and the fact that the games don’t really have a plot, if we’re being honest. A video game can just be a series of battles, but a story needs a stronger narrative. Have you thought about what you want to say with this story, the themes and events you want to portray? The first chapter should give us a hint towards what those are, to hook your reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12969718/1/dirty-secrets

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic to avoid this problem. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

Not capitalizing “I” makes me not want to read your story. It’s extremely inconsiderate of you to think this was appropriate to post. Put a bare minimum of effort into this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12969820/1/The-Kasey-Richmond-Chronicles

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.

[A story in which a boy by the name of Kasey Richmond from the rich part of Pallet Town goes on a journey with twists and turns along the way.]

The same applies to the summary. This can describe nearly every story in this category. What makes your story unique? Lead with your best foot forward.

[(This is my first story so it might be bad)

You also don’t need to be so self-deprecating – have confidence in your story, and let people come to their own conclusions about it. You might be surprised! (It’s also best to put meta-information like this in your author’s note, as the summary has very limited space that should go towards describing your story.)

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Also, all sentences need to end in punctuation.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[I better not hear it again, now i will leave you to get ready.]

Proofread.

[Oak’s Lab, Pallet Town, 6:30 AM]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

This chapter is mostly dialogue, which makes it feel a bit like the characters are floating in a void. You should pace yourself and take breaks in the dialogue to describe what is going on. Think about movies, or even real-life conversations – people don’t just stand in one place when they talk. They can gesture, change expressions, move around, etc.

This is also too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. What is this story going to be about? Start where your plot starts; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12970259/1/Legendary-Pok%C3%A9mon-Truth-or-Dare

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Reviewed by Talarc.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12970293/1/Letting-Go-of-the-Past

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters, and numbers should always be written out when they begin a sentence.

Opening the story with an infodump can be off-putting. I feel like I’m reading a summary rather than a story – there’s no emotion to it, just a recounting of facts. It would work better if you depicted the tragedy in full, or began the story in medias res and flashed back to the details as appropriate. Show, don’t tell.

[He said that the only way to summon this creature was by using an Azure flute at Spear Pillar. There was not enough money or power that I had in order to get the flute.]

That’s a very odd interpretation. I always assumed the Azure Flute was a one-of-a-kind magical artifact, similar to the Sun and Moon Flutes in SuMo. If they’re everywhere, or if similar flutes work, why hasn’t everyone summoned Arceus?

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

This is really, really OOC for Arceus. Arceus is not the Judeo-Christian God and it’s really ethnocentric of you to pigeonhole it into that role. Especially in the game verse, Arceus does not appear to care one whit about humans or even the universe itself; it makes no sense for it to be dispensing grand wisdom on demand. If you want a god tied to healing and resurrection, Ho-oh and Xerneas explicitly have those powers and would be much more fitting choices. Pokemon gives us a lot of gods and mythologies; use the full breadth of tools available to you instead of defaulting to the bluntest instrument.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12970298/1/The-Time-Lapse

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. (You can do this in the in-site document editor.)

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

Are you not a native speaker? In English, there is no space before punctuation marks. You are making other strange punctuation errors as well, and they make your story hard to follow. If you need help, this thread has some beta readers who can give you pointers: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

This chapter ends very abruptly. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader. It should be a complete product that gives us a good idea of the what the story in general will look like.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12970449/1/Here-I-Am

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12970597/1/Today-I-Will-See-You-Again

Blocked, previously reviewed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12970653/1/Infiltration-a-one-shot-by-the-creator-of-Zycron-Raina-and-Zed-Shade

Ellipses are always three dots, never more or less.

I have no idea what is going on here. If this is part of another story, you should add it as a side chapter there instead of making it stand on its own.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12970719/1/Pokemon-Journey-In-Kalos-Powerful-OC-s

Blocked, new user. They have a “no criticism” declaration in the summary.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12970758/1/Pokemon-Match-Game

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic to avoid this problem. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Script format is banned on this site, and as such this story is at risk for deletion. You should switch to prose format.

[Some of the characters are a little OOC, so be warned.]

If you need to make the characters OOC to get the story you want, why are you using them instead of OCs?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12967920/1/A-Wild-Ride

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12967916/1/Remnant-Empire

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12967866/1/A-futile-attempt

Blocked, previously reviewed. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12967588/1/Oliver-The-Legionaire-s-Son

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

[Oliver and his father, Lysandre, moved from Kalos to Unova, and now to Alola, How will the son of Lysandre burn up the battling scene?]

You’ve got a comma in place of a period here.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[Oliver was almost always lonely, being a boy with asthma was tough in a city like Castelia]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[He wanted an Oshawott, but his father discouraged it and tried to convince him to get a Magikarp or Murkrow.]

…A magikarp for a starter? Seriously? Is he trying to get this kid killed? Starter pokemon are actually very good as, well, starters. There can be reasons why Lysandre wouldn’t want him to get one, but I can’t think of many. You should explain Lysandre’s reasoning here.

[The wait was over as soon as he saw that Zorua, it was thin, eating scraps of trash from the Game Freak building’s dumpster, and Oliver was given a pokeball by his father to find an Eevee or a Pidove, or even a Grimer. The Zorua turned its head towards Oliver’s direction, he had a nasty scar on his right eye and his usually red fur was blue.]

…And you’re having him stumble across not just a super-rare pokemon but a shiny too.

You know about conservation of detail, right? You should strive to make sure every detail you include has a purpose in the story. What purpose does this serve? Is there a reason why such an incredibly rare specimen was just hanging out in the middle of a city and somehow hadn’t already been caught? Are the specific powers of a zorua going to be thematically or narratively important to the story? Or did you just do this because you wanted your protagonist to be special?

Furthermore, doing this right out of the box sends a message to your readers. It implies, rightly or wrongly, that this is representative of the story to come – that whenever the protagonist encounters a problem from now on, he’s just going to stumble over the solution without having to make an effort. And that doesn’t make for an interesting story. If that’s not the message you want to send, you should rethink this scene. How can you use this to showcase Oliver’s unique strengths and foreshadow how he is going to overcome future obstacles, instead of just that he’s absurdly lucky?

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. I can’t even tell what the premise or central plot hook is yet. Start where your plot starts; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event.

I’m also not clear what purpose Lysandre serves here. I don’t get a very good sense of how you’ve preserved or adapted his personality in this new role. Does he still have the same master evil plan? The same creepy obsession with beauty and perfection? What drew him to competitive battling over science in this universe? If these mysteries are going to be major components of the narrative you don’t need to answer them right away, but you should give some hints to entice your readers. Your use of a canon character is the main draw here, so it’s pretty weird that he’s reduced to a bit character who could be played by anyone in this opening.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12967578/1/My-Average-Adventure

You really need to put more effort into your grammar. This isn’t unreadable, but the messiness is still incredibly jarring. If you’re not going to put effort into your story, you can’t expect people to put effort into reading it. Online resources such as Grammar Girl are probably your best option if you have trouble with this.

Otherwise covered by The Reeds of Enki.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12967122/1/What-if-The-Complete-Adventure

Blocked, previously reviewed. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12966814/1/A-Legend-s-Saga-Artuls-Origin

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12966635/1/The-life-of-a-Washington

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

[As a new trainer, many opportunities appear from seemingly nowhere for young David Washington. But the young trainer has a secret that some will find unacceptable.]

And that secret is…? A vague summary like this can describe virtually any story in this category. Summaries should tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

[his honey-blonde hair]

You want “blond”. “Blonde” is the feminine form.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

[Chimchar, Piplup, and Turtwig.” the old man exclaims.]

You want to end the dialogue with a comma here, not a period.

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. Start where your plot starts; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event.

And you do have a plot, yes? You will need something more than the standard badge quest. If you’re just trying to novelize the game, you’re going to peter out. That’s not an indictment of your skill, that’s based on years of observation and the fact that the games don’t really have a plot, if we’re being honest. What is this story about? What sets you apart from the crowd? The first chapter should give us an idea of these things.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12966578/1/My-anthro-loves

Blocked, previously reviewed. This one actually has a decent number of reviews, including two concrit and a bunch of weird flames. Dragon’s Blaze actually seems to like this story, as she returned to review it a few more times.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12966271/1/The-Great-Reckoning

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12965975/1/XXI

Non-story content is banned on this site. You’re pushing authors’ stories down and depriving them of attention by doing this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12965462/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Crystal-Bolt

Blocked, previously encountered.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12965132/1/The-Novice-Rebel

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym. Or mission.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Your lines are being cut off strangely. This can sometimes happen if you upload a document format that FFN doesn’t like. Always preview your story before posting it so you can catch these problems.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12964855/1/Novae-Terrae

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

Sound effects should be used sparingly in prose, and they are formatted with italics, not asterisks. You also shouldn’t have sound effects in dialogue at all; describe what the person is doing instead.

[Looking up from his pillow to glare at the object of his suffering.]

This is a sentence fragment.

[Jack really hoped that whoever was calling him would get that he doesn’t want to be bothered]

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[Adam what do you want…..and what time is it]

Ellipses are always three dots, never more or less.

[still to damn early]

You want “too” here. “To” is a conjunction.

I’ll stop pointing out these errors, but they are very distracting. You should read up on a grammatical style guide, and get a beta reader to help you if you have trouble. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

[1 hour later]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

The lightning strike scene is very unclear. This is why it’s better to describe things instead of just using sound effects; even distant thunderclaps are loud, so a loud boom on its own doesn’t actually tell us anything about where the lightning hit. It would help if you described the clap as unexpectedly loud, and perhaps also noted that the lightning flash was blinding. Jack should also confirm that he was not hit, as initially I thought he was.

[And then there was the color, since when is lightning pure black.]

Isn’t it more notable that he can still see the lightning at all? You have him go on to freak out about the rain disappearing, but I would be more freaked out by time apparently stopping.

[And like a snap of the fingers the world around him stopped.]

That’s a weird comparison, as a finger snap is actually something that moves very fast. A finger snap is often used to *signal* sudden changes, but it isn’t the sudden change itself.

This is a reasonable “ordinary life” prologue I presume before the main plot kicks off, but it doesn’t give us a very good sense of who Jack is, which is the general purpose of such a chapter. Are these minor details about his annoying friend and dull life going to be important to the plot to come, or could you have started the story at the next chapter without losing anything?

12 Comments

  1. Embershine says:

    The line breaks in Fanfiction.net always gave me issues. They had an annoying habit of disappearing entirely weeks after the chapter was posted, making it seem like there was no transition between scenes. I bet this bug was fixed since I had the problem, but I still use other symbols in place of the horizontal line breaks now.

    I like that someone else knows the difference between ‘blond’ and ‘blonde’. See also ‘fiance’ and ‘fiancee’.  Little details like this are important for writing.

    I clicked on a few of the story links to see Blaze’s counter reviews, and she’s giving really bad advice to people. Like ‘you can end dialogue with a period and then describe how it was said’, or ‘grammar rules don’t exist’. Hopefully people will disregard her advice when they see how many typos are in her reviews,  lol.




    2
    1. Definitely Not the Reeds of Enki says:
      It’s what I hope for as well, that Blaze’s own incompetence concerning anything to do with writing serves as a warning for people to not listen to any of the content in her “advice.” It’s clear by the content that she doesn’t know what she’s doing, but every little bit helps. I don’t envy all the writers getting caught up in her insanity, but hopefully they’ll just ignore her. 



      1
    2. Hyatt says:

      Like ‘you can end dialogue with a period and then describe how it was said’,

      She said, last-wordsingly.




      0
  2. Ghost Of Us says:

    “A magikarp for a starter? Seriously? Is he trying to get this kid killed?” Why does that make me laugh? Probably because it’s Lysandre and it would probably be something he’d do.

    Also, can confirm that going off the plot of the games will cause you to peter out. Had that happen twice and it resulted it two projects getting scrapped.




    0
    1. Oh hey, that’s the story from the person who blocked me before I could submit the review! I don’t know why St Elmo’s Fire wasn’t blocked when I was, but I distinctly remember being very, very irate with Blaze and co. (which is mostly just Blaze and Blaze’s accounts) for successfully turning the person away. I spend a lot of time on those reviews, so it’s very annoying when I can’t actually post them properly. Perhaps the person is willing to accept criticism now, since they didn’t block St Elmo’s Fire. I still have the review on the forums, so it’d be an easy manner of directing said person’s attention to it if they didn’t want another critical review on their story. 




      0
      1. Nope, still blocked.

        @St Elmo’s Fire, how did you manage to post a review? I tried posting three days before your review, but got blocked. How come I got the special treatment this time lol? I would have thought you’d be the one to get blocked, since you’re more (in)famous and all. 

        Welp, their loss. I even did a nice rewrite for their benefit, but I guess it’s just too trollish for their eyes. They’re talking about something called DARF and how they’re not an idiot in their review feed. Do you have any idea what that’s about, anyone?




        0
        1. Talarc says:

          I remember seeing your review posted on the forum. They don’t have me blocked either – very strange. People’s minds work in odd ways sometimes. 

          If it makes you feel any better, I’d just finished writing a review a couple of days ago only to find that Elmo had beaten me to the punch when I double-checked the review section before posting – I know the feeling! 




          1
          1. Ah, I’d hate for that to happen! I hope I don’t get ninja’d much in the future. But that is so weird to me. You didn’t get the block, St Elmo’s Fire didn’t get the block, just me. And I try to be super tactful in my reviews! 

             

            I’m just happy the latest person I reviewed didn’t block me before I realized my aid was unwanted. That was the longest review I’ve ever done. Did you know that there’s a cutoff point for how long a review can be? It’s apparently at 3570 words, for those interested. 

            Well, anyway. If people don’t want our help, it’s their loss, ultimately. It’ll be annoying when it happens, but oh well. May you and I not be blocked nor ninja’d by Elmo in the future, Talarc! 

             

            Edit: words, not characters.




            0
        2. Ghost Of Us says:

          DARF is something to do with the Doomguy54 guest in his reviews. I can’t remember what, but I’m guessing they are IRL friends.




          0
          1. Huh. Odd. I wonder what it has to do with Blaze, if anything. 




            0
            1. Ghost Of Us says:

              Doubt it. It’s just a smartass without an account.




              0
              Reply
        3. No idea. I am blocked now, but I didn’t get any message clarifying things.




          0

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Skip to toolbar