[17] The Other Pokereviews, Part 115

Another Biblepunk thing, and a lot of standard mediocrity. But in brighter news, a journeyfic that actually looks fun and good!

Anime count: 8

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12978290/1/Winged-Nuzlocke-The-angel-with-the-silverwings

I am sorry, but your fluency in English is not yet at a good point for writing stories. Story writing is one of the hardest applications of a language, as any grammatical mistake can throw the reader out of the story. There are too many odd mistakes and misspellings here for me to really get into the story.

There is a grammatical resource here, but it doesn’t cover everything: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/21887406/1/Writing-Guide-Part-One-Grammar

In particular, in English, upper quotes are used for both sides of dialogue.

You also really do need to have some description when adapting a comic to a story. I have absolutely no idea what is going on here, what the characters are talking about, or even who’s doing the talking. You need to think about what you can do differently in this medium, not just paste your script in.

Blocked after this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12978273/1/Ills

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[Lumiose City, Kalos, France]

By all appearances Kalos *is* France, as it covers the exact same area. It is understandable that you’d need to reference real countries for this, but it would probably be better to quietly change “Kalos” to “France” and handwave that they changed the names later or something.

It’s a little odd that you keep referring to them by their full names in the second paragraph, as people don’t usually think that way. It makes it a little too obvious that you’re trying to namedrop them for the audience’s benefit. Since you already mentioned their full names once, it’s fine to just use their full names from there on out.

This is a fine story, but I don’t really see the necessity of adding pokemon to it. Ghost-type pokemon don’t quite behave the same as the ill spirits of folklore – the gastly line’s pokedex entries mostly mention it directly killing or pranking people, not cursing them. The fantastic elements, and the simplistic way they were resolved as was inevitable given Pokemon’s way of handling these things, kind of distracted from the main narrative for me.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12978212/1/The-Last-Emerald

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

While I understand the impulse to give us a ton of background information up front, that actually disengages the reader more. The opening here feels like a summary or a historical textbook, rather than a story – I feel no emotion from it, just a list of impartial facts. Remember “show, don’t tell” – it would be stronger for us to see Delta going through this tragedy from his own perspective, or to start with him as a miserable orphan and pique our curiosity with small details about his past spread out throughout the narrative.

(Also… the dad gets a super important job but the best you can think of for the mom is “housewife”? The Pokemon world shows women in a lot of big jobs and positions. Try to be a little fairer instead of reinforcing hurtful stereotypes.)

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[(Xavier residence)]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

This in particular was a very jarring transition, as we don’t see anything that happens in detail. It feels like the camera abruptly cut off, rather than transitioning after a complete scene.

In general, this feels very dry. The dialogue sounds robotic, and there is almost no description of how people feel about anything or what they do outside of dialogue. I don’t feel very attached to the characters or invested in what is happening. You should slow down and really think about what the characters might be thinking at a given time. As a good exercise, try to step back from yourself and examine your own emotions as you’re feeling them. As you go through the day, what details do you notice about your surroundings, how do you feel at any given moment, how do you react to what people do and say? The story will feel more real if you can include details such as those. Published books can also give you good examples of how this is done.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12978182/1/A-Jolteon-Journey

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[This is a story that follows the adventure of Dancer The Jolteon.He is a 11 year old Jolteon who lives with his 14 year old brother, Kyle The Flareon.If you want to get the whole story, we have to start from square one of this LONG adventure]

This isn’t really necessary, as it says basically the same thing as your summary. It’s fine to jump straight into the story.

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

[(Yes they have human accessories)]

Including author’s notes in the middle of a story is not a good idea. Stories run on immersion and suspension of disbelief; interrupting the story and pointing to the wires shatters that, much like an actor breaking character in a theater production.

And no, they really can’t. If you want to write about humans with opposable thumbs, cell phones, and familiar family structures, you should just write about humans. The entire point of pokemon is that they aren’t humans and have different skills. If you’re going to write about pokemon characters you need to think about all the ways they’d function differently.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Also, a new speaker requires a new paragraph. Not doing this makes following your dialogue too much work for me to continue reading.

In general, this seems like it would be better suited to an original fantasy story about tensions between human-like species.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12978168/1/Blooming-Lillie

Blocked, previously encountered.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12977716/1/Scarred-Lion

Blocked, previously reviewed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12977647/1/The-Bond-Phenomenon-Two-Who-Fight-As-One

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic to avoid this problem. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12977281/1/Various-Pokemon-Stories

Blocked, previously encountered. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12977186/1/Random-Gardevoir-Fanfiction

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

[I wrote this in under an hour and as soon as I woke up so that’s my excuse if it’s bad.]

You’re not on a deadline. It’s a good idea to wait and proofread your story later when you’re feeling more coherent.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[I get many weird looks whenever people see me walking down the street while being so close to my gardevoir or the fact that I just keep her outside of her Pokeball.]

Why would they? Trainers keep their pokemon out all the time in the anime, and the Gold/Silver remakes have a mechanic for it too.

[she was enchanting.]

Missing capital in this sentence.

[I’m guessing your OK?]

You want “you’re”. “Your” is the possessive. Also, it’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced “ock”, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

You’re formatting dialogue inconsistently. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[It’s fine master.]

Okay, so here’s the thing. Consent gets really murky in pokemon-trainer relationships, because the trainer has so much power over the pokemon. At any point the trainer can stuff them in a stasis capsule, giving the trainer complete control over their movements and freedom. They are also dependent on the trainer for food and all physical needs. It is not even clear if pokemon can choose to run away if they do not like their trainer. And all of this goes double when you have them calling their trainer “Master”.

If dubcon master-slave stuff is your kink, that’s fine, but you could maybe tag for it instead of acting like this is a totally normal romance, please?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12977176/1/Ever-After-An-Amourshipping-and-OC-Tale

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Anime. Covered by The Reeds of Enki.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12977159/1/Mark-Hilton-A-Kanto-journey

Covered by another reviewer. I am not blocked.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12977112/1/Living-With-Eeveelutions

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12977051/1/Tale-of-a-Budding-Pokemon-Master

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic to avoid this problem. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12976328/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Galactic-Aftermath

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Covered by another reviewer.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12976125/1/Pokemon-A-Platinum-Adventure

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12975726/1/A-different-case

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12975366/1/The-Maelstrom-Pokemon

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic to avoid this problem. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

[Ash rushes out of his house and trips on an injured Pokemon,ok he carries it Pal’s lab and receives Pikachu, turns out the Pokemon is a new species, is the size of a baby Lixy, has 3 types and powerful moves.]

This is a run-on sentence. You should read sentences out loud and see if you feel breathless afterwards. Any point where you naturally feel like making a short pause is where a comma should go, and any point where you naturally feel like coming to a full stop is where a period should go.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context, and it’s generally not a good idea to switch POVs within the same chapter, and that can quickly get confusing. Stories are stronger if we have time to build up a connection to a single narrator first.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12975317/1/Something-Special

lol

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12975309/1/Never-Broken

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing the word “pokemon” itself. However, species names shouldn’t be capitalized either, for the same reasons. “Father” and “Mother” are also only capitalized when they’re used in place of names.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[Her face was tilted upward towards the sky, as if she were hoping to see a exciting show and was ready to critique it.]

You want “an exciting” there, and this feels like an odd comparison to me – critical analysis requires a lot of focus and intent, but watching the sky is generally considered a relaxing activity.

[If you looked closer, you could actually see that her eyes were loosely shut as the light spring breeze ruffled her pale lavender fur.]

Using the general “you” in third-person sounds awkward. It’s better to use “one”, or rephrase the bit to avoid mentioning a pronoun.

[She took a deep breath and released it slowly like air draining out of a tire]

Again, this strikes me as an odd simile – air draining out of a tire is a high-pitched, violent whine. When we compare an exhale to that, it generally means we think the person is angry or stressed. Is that the intent you meant to convey here?

[The Glaceon- Snowy- said happily.]

Using hyphens without spaces in place of dashes is confusing. To avoid people thinking you’re hyphenating words, you should put spaces around the hyphen, or use a double dash.

[You were all like,” Snowy contorted her blue face into a look of a shock and respect, looking very unattractive “and it was hilarious!”]

This is a difficult dialogue rule: when interrupting dialogue with a non-speaking action, a different marker than commas are required. There are multiple options depending on the exact type of pause you want to convey. For here, where the interruption is a big, complete action, I think dashes inside the quotes would look best. So for instance, [You were all like –” Snowy contorted her blue face into a look of a shock and respect, looking very unattractive. “– and it was hilarious!”]

[She narrowed her eyes, it wasn’t that dark out]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

[“Ok!”]

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced “ock”, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

[Aspen looked at the town that she had lived in for years. It was made up of a decent amount of homes that were basically branches from the forest and mud that the wild pokémon had collected by the pond. The pond was found within the forest by pokémon looking for twigs to help support their shelters. There was a controlled fire in the middle of the town that was created by a fire pokémon to keep the inhabitants from getting too cold during the night. The light from the fire illuminated most of the homes in the town, giving it a safe look. It surprised Aspen how much a fire could change the feel of the town from haunted to inviting.]

This is a nice description. I particularly like the detail of the fire pokemon providing the heating; it’s always neat to see pokemon using their powers for non-combat applications.

You’re formatting dialogue inconsistently. If you’re confused, the full rules are: Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[I hope you fair better than I did]

You want “fare”. Fair means equal.

Why isn’t Aspen using any of her powers? She could avoid the whole battle by teleporting away, and she doesn’t need to kick the rock when she has telekinesis.

[The Ditto-Gengar smiled a toothy smile as it saw how it’s words affected her.]

Typo here.

This is decently written, but the setup is very unclear. I don’t understand why Shade running away was so scarring – the way they talk about him, I’d have thought he murdered someone. Without a full understanding of what he did and why it was so significant, I have a hard time following Aspen’s emotional logic. The fight with her parents feels really sudden, and I don’t understand why she thinks running away is a good idea.

I’m also a bit apprehensive about the gender politics mentioned in the summary. I don’t understand why her brother running off would make Aspen a misandrist. Nothing about his behavior seems intrinsically tied to his maleness, and we don’t see any other males behaving like him. It’s so arbitrary I fear this is going to turn into the cliche about how the hysterical irrational woman is going to be berated for unfairly judging the poor, put-upon man, and that really does not appeal to me. I’m also weirded out by the fact that every single male-female relationship depicted here doubles down on the power imbalance by giving the man a type advantage over the woman. If you’re going to be imposing real-world gender politics on this, it’s really uncomfortable to imagine potentially abusive men having even more power over women than normal.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12975295/1/Despair-A-Somewhat-Dark-Journey

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

I like how personable your narrator is right out of the gate. You do an excellent job of poking at the typical cliches of the opening and showing that Shiro is going to put his own spin on things. However, I do feel like the narration is a bit too disorganized. There’s a lot of jumping between unrelated subjects and “but…” “however…” “regardless…” that makes it sound like he’s constantly second-guessing himself. It’s a bit hard to follow, and a bit hard to figure out what I’m supposed to take away from it. It would help if there was a clearer chain of reasoning in how Shiro lays out the exposition.

[Anyhow, both of my parents were avid pokemon trainers back in their day and both firmly believe that going on a “pokemon journey” is an important part of growing into an adult. And thus, I was oh so eloquently informed by my father that I would essentially be thrown out of the house on my birthday, until they deemed my “pokemon adventure” to be over.]

This is a hilarious jab at canon’s obsession with pokemon, I love it. This amusing snark promises Shiro will be a fun protagonist.

[many would-be trainer’s parents]

You want the apostrophe outside the S here, since it refers to a collective group of trainers.

[I on the other hand thing they are delusional]

Typo here.

[Either that, or they were they appeared]

Something went wrong with this sentence.

[I suppose this was just a move to hopefully ease the parents into some false sense of security that ‘surely by then they will be ready’, or something along those lines. Regardless, it is utter nonsense to believe that the average 13-year-old child will really fare much better against a gangster than a 10-year-old.]

Oh my god finally someone says it! I always feel this way about fics that do this.

[aren’t you going to anyway, Shiro-sama?]

omg he’s so full of himself I love it

[I’m a guy for Arceus’ sake]

Using Arceus in place of God sounds ridiculous and has no basis in canon. It’s fine to just use “God”. In particular, Kanto seems extremely secular and unlikely to follow specific poke-gods.

[my most notable feature is probably my desaturated, light green hair that comes just down to my eyes. I personally really like the color, which is why I choose to regularly dye my naturally blond hair to look this way. My strong attachment to it is probably due to the fact that it is almost kind of a dull, uninteresting color, so doesn’t attract a lot of attention or too many stares.]

Wouldn’t dyed hair automatically attract attention? Or is dying hair more common than not in this world?

[Or in other words, hoping catch something]

I think you dropped a word here.

[*Mental sob*]

Asterisk actions don’t really work in prose.

[My dead eyes stared defeated at the last nail in the coffin; a sleek black Pokedex and a dark green spotted pokeball.]

This is improper semicolon usage. As a general rule of thumb, you should be able to replace semicolons with periods and still have the resulting sentences make sense; for instance, what I’m doing here. You want a full colon here.

I’m not sure if it’s necessary to go over the gifts in such detail – we can assume he has basic supplies when he goes on his journey. It’s better to save space by focusing on the important details, which would be the pokedex and pokeball here.

This is really good so far! Shiro sounds believably like a 13-year-old, but also isn’t taken more seriously than he deserves, so he’s not annoying like some snarky narrators are. Your jabs at all the journey cliches are delightful, and you use the first-person narrator expertly to inject a ton of humor and personality into what is, superficially, a rather simple event. I’m excited to see what you have planned for the rest of Shrio’s journey.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12975140/1/The-Work-of-a-God

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[This a revised edition of the old story. It will likely update anywhere from every few days to a week.]

Meta information such as this is probably better-suited to your author’s note than your summary. Since summaries have such limited space, you should try to use all the space to give your story a good description.

[Hey, so i wanted to rewrite this story.]

I am a little concerned about the quality of your rewrite if you missed something as simple as an uncapitalized “I” in your very first sentence. Always remember to proofread, especially if it’s the first thing readers will see.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

I’m not too fond of using the term “legendaries” in fic. It’s very much a fandom term, as it’s a shorthand for the canon term “legendary pokemon”. It’s also much too general given the actual range of power of legendaries. Legendaries like latios seem to be merely rare beasts, while legendaries like Kyogre are gods.

[Ah yes, The Forbidden One. Ancient tales speak of him and his deeds, apparently deeds so vile that it warranted Arceus himself to cast him out of the universe.]

The legendaries are genderless in canon. Reinforcing the assumption that male is the default is sexist. “It” or “they” are fine pronouns to use.

[I guess someone along the line found some sort of ritual to bring him into our world, and transcribed it in a book I had purchased in a library in Sinnoh. One would think that this forbidden knowledge would be safely guarded, but most people see this creature as a mere fairy tale meant to scare children.]

…Except that the only reason things work that way in the real world is because magic isn’t real here. If it really is possible for anyone to walk up to this book and summon a god, why hasn’t anyone done it before now?

[frantically trying to escape it’s prison]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

So I know one of Giratina’s pokedex entries says it was “banished for its violence”, but given the pokedex also says Arceus shaped the universe with the thousand arms it doesn’t have, you should really be thinking more critically here. What evidence do we actually see? According to Cynthia, the person who actually studied this stuff, the Distortion World is Giratina’s habitat, not its prison, and this is corroborated by Giratina moving Heaven and Earth to save its supposed prison from destruction in Platinum. Giratina didn’t need any special ritual to pop up and grab Cyrus, which implies it is perfectly capable of manifesting at any time and just isn’t normally motivated to do so.

[Though I’ve chosen you as my partner, I do not have a corresponding orb due to my absence from the official pantheon of Legendaries.]

And… yes it does? The Griseous Orb. Are we supposed to assume Giratina is lying here and that this supposed expert on legendary studies doesn’t know this?

[It is said that when these Orbs gather at the Spear Pillar, the path to Arceus is opened.]

Again, no. Arceus is summoned by a completely different artifact, and Cryus’ summoning of the Creation Trio had nothing to do with the orbs.

This really doesn’t seem to have anything to do with the actual Pokemon canon. If you want to write a high fantasy story about a human making a bargain with not!Satan to fight not!God by collecting MacGuffins, you should write original fiction. The Pokemon elements here are only distracting from the story.

Even aside from that, I feel like I’m reading the sequel to another story here. I have no idea who the protagonist is or why he’s so angry at God, and without those details it’s hard to have emotional investment in what’s happening.

Blocked after this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12975120/1/The-Renegade-Pok%C3%A9mon

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

A new speaker requires a new paragraph if the reader is to have any hope of following your dialogue.

[before its too late.]

Typo.

The description here is nice, but I don’t see what twists were added? I generally feel like making the gods talk, while sometimes necessary, diminishes their gravitas somewhat. I liked how alien and inhuman Giratina was, and how we were left to speculate over its motives. Giving it such a generic personality takes away from that, I feel.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12975064/1/Easy-Prey

Covered by another reviewer. I am not blocked. Story was decent but I couldn’t think of anything specific to say.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12974988/1/Champion-Goes-To-School

Blocked, previously reviewed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12974964/1/Beloved-of-the-Sea

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic to avoid this problem. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Blocked after this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12973953/1/Black-September

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic to avoid this problem. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[a pink dress and skirt (her contest dress in ORAS)]

Including author’s notes in the middle of a story is not a good idea. Stories run on immersion and suspension of disbelief; interrupting the story and pointing to the wires shatters that, much like an actor breaking character in a theater production.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You’re overusing uncommon speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever fancy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

Blocked after this, despite author’s note saying they wanted criticism.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12975840/1/The-Phantom-Rebellion

Horizontal lines would make the separation of your author’s notes from the story clearer.

[There was a time when Ghost types]

I feel like if you’re not capitalizing pokemon, types shouldn’t be capitalized either. We don’t capitalize things like “desert-dwelling animals”, after all.

[I’m told that there was a great famine—crops refused to grow. People starved. Pokemon died.]

The construction here looks odd to me – breaking up a list with full stops after the sharp aside of a dash feels like the wrong flow. Generally when I see this, the list after the dash uses commas. Replacing the dash with a period would also work, however, if you prefer to emphasize each point with a full stop.

[the people were desperate to find something – anything—to blame]

Something weird happened with your first dash here.

[It was only natural that someone said the rising numbers of ghost types were an omen, the true cause of the famine.]

Why would they, though? You say the famine caused the ghost influx, and presumably this isn’t long after that so everyone would know this. It would make more sense if you included some additional logic for believing this, like that the famine should have ended by now but the ghosts were prolonging it.

[Some more logically minded people saw them as a threat to the dwindling food supply.]

Or this – but do ghost pokemon actually eat food?

[It wasn’t long until Sirius executed Order 68, the protocol to use at least one dark type on every military squad. The first Phantom Rebellion withered under Sirius’s iron fist. Dark types spelled doom for the ghosts that were vying so desperately to cling to their world.]

Surely the Phantom Rebellion can use other pokemon too, though? Being committed to an aesthetic to the detriment of all strategy is Team-level idiocy, and I have a hard time taking the setting seriously if that’s the level of competence we’re dealing with here.

[Kanto’s Lavender Town remained steadfast in their sanctuary for all matters ghostly. Hoenn’s Mount Pyre saw the signs of the first battle of the second Phantom Rebellion, when President Sirius ordered the execution of its caretakers. Somehow, such places survived the wrath of Archebald Sirius.]

I don’t see how they could, unless they underwent radical changes from the locations they are in the games. Lavender is a tiny hamlet and Mount Pyre is just a shrine on a mountain. How do they have the forces to withstand a totalitarian army when the huge Kanto cities and mountainous Sinnoh towns didn’t?

I feel like including all these specifics diminishes the intrigue somewhat. This is richer than the textbook-like intros sometimes seen in these setups, but it still feels a lot like it’s just rattling off facts I have no context for. Especially with elements as mystical as ghosts and pokemon, I think it’s kind of disappointing to reduce it to just a standard political conflict. I don’t see much here that’s specifically about ghosts; you could very easily plug another type into this backstory. I’d be more interested in seeing the emotional and human side of this: how people reacted to the ghosts, peoples’ specific beliefs on ghosts, and whether the pushback was general or because ghosts are naturally creepy and people jumped on any excuse to banish them.

In sum I have to give this the standard show-don’t-tell, in medias res advice I normally give to these sorts of big setting changes – it’s best to get us invested in the meat of the story and this strange new setting first. It’s much more satisfying when you make us ask the questions before we get the answers.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12978710/1/Pokemon-X-Y-Rewrite

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic to avoid this problem. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

[A rewrite of the XY series, it will mirror the series in the first few episodes but will deviate.]

This can describe a lot of fic on this site. How will it deviate? What specific idea do you have that will wow your readers? Lead with your best foot forward.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Also, a new speaker requires a new paragraph.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12978729/1/A-New-Pokemon-Hero

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

[The Pokémon world can be a lot darker than displayed in the anime and games, but is also deeper and harsher. The world is ravaged by criminal organizations and wild Pokémon, only Champions and their chosen leaders can separate the danger of the natural world.]

Okay, but… it also makes it a lot less like Pokemon and a lot more like Every Fantasy Adventure Ever.

There are hundreds upon hundreds of fantasy stories about a small group of very special people fighting against monsters and evil overlords. Pokemon is special precisely because it is not dark: it presents a world with magic animals of monstrous power lurking behind every hedge, and says 10-year-olds make friends with them. Pokemon is interesting precisely because it so democratizes its fantastic elements: where other stories say that only the Chosen Ones can interact with the interesting parts of the setting, Pokemon gives preschoolers pokemon. What does a world where everyone has magic look like? How must we challenge our assumptions about monsters and our coexistence with nature if it is possible to make friends with such seemingly-dangerous creatures? These are the unique driving questions that Pokemon brings to the table.

Nor is “realistic” actually something you need to shoot for. Come on, this is a story about people stuffing magic monsters in capsules and making them shoot lasers at each other. Realism left the building a long time ago. No one is going to revoke your Serious Adult Badge if you need to suspend your disbelief a little.

You can hammer Pokemon into another form if you really want to, but I genuinely have to wonder what you like about Pokemon in the first place if you do. You should consider writing original fiction, or branching out into other fandoms that are more relevant to your interests.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[The egg was practically unbreakable, only a few materials could break them]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. Your first chapter is a preview of your full story, so you should give people an idea of what the central conflict is going to be and what the story will look like going forward. All I get from this is that this girl is a sad orphan going on a pokemon journey like every other protagonist ever. That tells us where she comes from, but not where she’s going specifically.

Blocked after this.

8 Comments

  1. Ghost says:

    Finds the story dedicated to him’

     

    “Lol.”

     

     I’m not entirely sure what I expected.

  2. Talarc says:

    I remember Pokemon X-Y Rewrite – I wrote a review for it myself, only to refresh the review page and see that you’d beaten me to it!

    On a vaguely similar note, mind if I borrow the warning about Blaze on your profile and include it on my own?

    1. Go ahead. You can direct them to my comment on the misc discussion post too if they ask for details.

    2. Definitely Not the Reeds of Enki says:
      That sounds like a good thing to have scattered around, yeah. I’ll second Talarc’s request. 
    3. Farla says:

      You might also find https://www.fanfiction.net/topic/11834/170815743/3/#170918349 or the screenshot helpful if you want to skip the convoluted story of trolling and just point out the dumbass straight up had definitely-not-her say she was definitely her.

      1
      1. Ha! Wow. That is amazing. Just…. wow. Yeah, that’s a definite include. I remember seeing that — at the time, the name Mega Sevenways56 didn’t mean anything to me. And now she’s openly talked of being Blaze, pretty sure, there. As Mega Sevenways. That’s some next level incompetence for someone as paranoid as to make an account for every day of the year. 

    4. Talarc says:

      @Elmo: Will do. Thanks! 

      @Farla: That’ll be handy to have as well. I’ve yet to receive any PMs about the Blaze drama, but at least I know exactly where to point people if it does come up! 

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Skip to toolbar