[28] The Other Pokereviews, Part 66

One decentish fic about Dawn rescuing Cyrus from the Distortion World, and yet another fic where the legendaries are a divine bureaucracy.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12609856/1/On-Loves-Wings-Working-Tiitle-Falkner-OC-Rin

Your summary is missing spaces after every sentence. You also have various other typos. You should proofread more thoroughly, and maybe get a beta reader to help you.

Centering all your text makes it difficult to read, even just for an author’s note.

You shouldn’t be putting line breaks after every sentence; that looks extremely weird and makes the story feel choppy. Use paragraphs.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12609675/1/The-Strength-of-a-Flower

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. (If you do this, however, you should probably use a different marker for scene breaks.)

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[The cool gentle breeze greeted her as she stepped down to the platform, almost telling her to follow.]

Follow what?

[However, this determination did not cease the doubt in her eyes, clouded only by premonitions of mishaps.]

This is clunky and overly ornate, which doesn’t make sense for either Lillie’s thoughts or an opening scene. This early on you should focus on getting to the meat of the matter, not throwing five-dollar words everywhere.

[‘This is his home region’ she thought aloud]

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Also, if she’s thinking -aloud-, this should be formatted like normal dialogue, not like a thought.

[I don’t know Lillie]

This needs a comma before “Lillie”, as it’s a direct address. You’re making a lot of other comma mistakes throughout this, and it makes the story very hard to follow. You need to read up on comma usage, and possibly get a beta reader to help you. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

Quite frankly, this feels very amateurish. The narration and dialogue are both incredibly dry and wooden; you’re telling us what is happening, but there is little to no emotion or dramatic flair to any of it. You also spend way too much time on irrelevant details. This, for instance:

[Bill laughed once again, and gave Lillie some supplies needed for her journey. Now in Lillie’s bag contained 5 Poké balls, 5 potions and 3 stones.

“What are these?” Lillie asked as she picked up the stones, wondering why they looked so shiny and cool.

“That’s a Fire Stone, a Water Stone and a Thunder Stone. Once Eevee is ready, giver her one of these. She’ll evolve into something cool.”

Lillie looked at the stones, and then to Eevee. Eevee was staring at the stones with a longing in her eyes, as if she was being drawn to them. Lillie quickly put them away into her bag, much to Eevee’s dismay.

“Good Choice, if Eevee touches that, she’ll automatically evolve.” Bill commented as he handed Lillie three more items.

“This is a receiver, it’s designed for us to contact each other so I can update you on your mother’s condition. However, it only works for the two of us, so you can’t register people’s pokégear numbers on it. This is a Z-Crystal. You know what these are right?”

Lillie looked at him quizzically, wondering how Bill had managed to stumble upon one.

“With the stunned look on your face, I can see that you have. This is the Eeveeium Z. Eevee will use a special move when you use this, but you can only do it when you have other Pokémon in your party.”

Bill handed her the Receiver and the Z-Crystal, where Lillie placed the crystal in a small compartment in her bag. Her receiver was stuffed into her chest pocket.]

This isn’t a video game. We don’t need to know her exact inventory. If you have her starting a journey, it’s reasonable for us to assume she got basic supplies offscreen.

The end result is that this feels far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. This is basically just rehashing the standard trainer opening with Lillie, and everyone who’s played the games already knows how that goes. Start where your plot starts; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

I should also caution you that the standard badge quest is not a plot. If you’re just trying to ape the game plots, you’re going to peter out; even having a real character for a protagonist won’t be enough to save you there. Read this for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/143219856/1/Actually-Writing-an-OT-Fic-Part-1

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12609347/1/Mask-Off

Please make a summary that actually tells us what this story is about.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

Well, that ended abruptly.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12609309/1/My-Orange-Archipelago-Journey

[Jordan Hales second journey]

This needs a possessive apostrophe.

[This is Jordan Hales second journey, join him as he travels to the Orange islands on a request from professor Oak, what will happen on his journey?]

This is a comma splice and a run-on sentence. You need to read up on these topics. Try getting a beta reader to help you. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[Flashback*]

This is jarring; it’s better to use generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be clear from context or narration.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You really, really need a beta reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12609295/1/Pokemon-Guardians

Punctuation must be followed by spaces, and all sentences need to end in punctuation.

[At the start of every season I will add a opening song and at the end I will add a closing song]

No. This archive is for prose stories. Don’t play at being a screenwriter, it just looks ridiculous.

This is a mess. Try harder and get a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12609266/1/Jirachi-the-Wish-Gangster

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[There are many Jirachi present in the universe]

Are there? I thought there was only one. Regardless, if you’re basing this off the anime, this belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[Jirachi narrows its eyes]

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well.

[You could probably see the sweat going down the man’s face.]

Using the general you in third person sounds extremely awkward. I recommend rephrasing this.

[I’m also debating what Jirachi’s last move is going to be]

The four-move limit is obviously a game construct and doesn’t need to be used in stories.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12609098/1/With-a-Melody

Please make a more informative summary. Only giving the reader a vague, abstract summary open to many interpretations is very frustrating.

Portraying the legendaries as one huge bureaucracy really doesn’t make much sense, or have any basis in canon. None of the regions’ pantheons ever interact with each other to my memory, and there is major conflict even within pantheons. Like, do you seriously expect me to believe Groudon and Kyogre just calmly sit next to each other during these meetings? Moreover, I question if some of the legendaries should even be considered gods at all; they tend to have wildly varying levels of power and mythological influence. Creatures like Darkrai and the various trios seem to function more like cryptids, spirits, or even just rare beasts, and the eon dragons have an utterly different mythos than the Japanese pokegods.

I think you’re leaning too much on simplifications and familiar Western concepts, and it’s making you miss out on a lot of potential here. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/162324520/1/Pokeworld-Religion

[Arceus, being the ever-cautious leader that she was, ordered every being in the Hall of Legends to find, report, and, if possible, capture any Ultra Beasts to send back to their point of origin, called “Ultra Space.”]

Like, this is extremely out of character for Arceus. Arceus does nothing while a madman enslaves its children to destroy the universe literally right under its nose. Arceus does not care. Honestly, most of the gods are very hands-off. Only the Alolan and Unovan pantheons take an active role in human affairs.

As a result, I’m just not terribly interested in seeing where this is going. If I wanted to read about extremely humanlike gods, I’d read Greek mythology.

(Any particular reason why Arceus is female in this, by the way?)

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or island guardians. Or ultra beasts. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[the human’s International Police]

Collective possession puts the apostrophe on the outside – so this should be [humans’].

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12608985/1/A-Pokemon-Requiem

[Not everyone beats the Pokemon League. Victor quits training for ten years until his son begins to take interest, throwing him back into the game. Standing in his way is old rivals, new pokemon, old flames, and new romances!]

This is better than some summaries, but summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

[It’s thick, serpentine body]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[He was gracious that the sun brought him out of that blasted dream]

I think the word you want here is “grateful”.

[it was still awhile before he wanted to get up]

You want “a while”, two words. “Awhile” means “for a while”.

[“Nope.” Victor snicked.]

What?

[“Eve can’t learn electric moves, silly!” Victor instructed]

[Max reported excitedly.]

[“Yeah, but I thought maybe it’s because she doesn’t think we want her back,” Max deduced,]

[“There are no earthquakes here,” Victor regarded darkly.]

You’re overusing uncommon speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever fancy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

(Also, for that last one: When you’re breaking two complete sentences of dialogue with narration, the narration ends in a period, as it completes a sentence.)

[In Ralt’s case, the different genders evolve]

Not exactly; gardevoir have no gender restrictions. Also urgh, do you really need to bring up the stupidest and most sexist example in the franchise in your first chapter?

That ended really abruptly. This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. Ending just before the plot actually starts isn’t a clever cliffhanger, it just makes readers bounce. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

Despite that, this is fairly well-written. Your scenes are dynamic and your dialogue feels natural. The ralts scene was very cliched, however; I do hope you have some twist up your sleeve there. If you’re not familiar with the cliché, this story discusses it a bit: fanfiction (d o t) net/s/2362023/28/Unoriginality-1-An-Original-Trainer-Story

Also, while your dialogue formatting is solid on the basics, you’re tripping up on some specific rules. I’d recommend reading this: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/21887406/1/Writing-Guide-Part-One-Grammar

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12608893/1/Chronicles-of-Fate-Estino-Academy

[a group of young aspirers ready to learn]

The word you want is “aspirants”.

[The region of Estino is home to bonds bound by fate. Within the many cultures and lives surrounding Estino, there is a group of young aspirers ready to learn. Four trainers find themselves bound for the most prestigious school for Trainers, Coordinators, Breeders, and Researchers alike: Estino Academy! But this Academy has a lot more secrets than it lets on at face value.]

Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You’re jumping between past and present tense, which is extremely disorienting.

Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point. Also, no one will ever care what your character is eating for breakfast.

[if you’re booty]

You want “your”. “You’re” means “you are”.

[Breakfast is ready when you come downstairs,” she encourages.]

Not what that word means. You’re overusing uncommon speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever fancy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

[Walter examined himself.

No shirt.

No shoes.

Just a pair of small Pokéball briefs. He needed a completely new outfit.]

How on Earth did he not notice this earlier? Surely he should have at least remembered going to sleep like that?

[*crumble*]

This isn’t a comic book. Sound effects should be described in prose.

[Water trickles down his face. He could pores on his face spreads out and smoothen. He flicks the water droplets off his palms, rather than using a towel to dry his hands. He grips the adjacent sides of the bathroom sink with both hands. After a brief pause, he starts laughing to himself. This is really happening! This is totally happening! He shakes his head. Don’t act like an idiot, this is your time to shine.

He takes one more look in his reflection. An olive skin boy with grassy-green eyes stares directly back at him. The copy cat gave him a cool smirk. Unsurprisingly, the boy wore the same expression. He dips in the water, flicks off some excess, and brushes his wet palms across his mildly well-groomed spiky hair. With that clear skin and his dashing good looks, there is nothing stopping him.]

There seems to be a change in perspective between these two paragraphs, so you need to note that somehow.

I know you need to introduce all the characters, but my eyes are still glazing over at how boring these introductions are. They go on way too long for the rapid-fire style you seem to be going for, and don’t seem to tell us much in the way of important information. We really don’t need to see their journeys to the academy in exhaustive detail. What is the academy like, and what are they going to do when they’re there? That seems to be what the story will actually be about, so that’s what you should focus on in your opening.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12608245/1/Dark-and-Light-The-Journey

[Dark is a Riolu who was born special. But being special has only hurt him. Join him on his journey as he is separated from his family and is forced to find his way back home, making friends and dangerous enemies along the way.]

How was he born special? Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s unique about this story?

Also, you’re generally good about not capitalizing pokemon, but you capitalized “riolu” here.

[Two adult pokemon, a Weavile and a Watchog]

Also here.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[I try several times]

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well.

You’re formatting dialogue inconsistently. If you’re unclear, here are all the rules: Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[“I don’t really like those rumors, you know.” Everyone looked up at me and gasped. “There’s no basis to it.” Everyone was so shocked by my appearance that they didn’t notice the servine get up and lunge towards me, with no attack ready. I shot an aura sphere straight at his face, which exploded on impact. He was knocked out instantly.

I walked back to the building I was at, and picked up the two kids lying in the floor. I then carried them past everyone and handed them over to the two mothers.

“Please be careful watching them next time. They’re only kids and can get hurt.” I said sincerely, smiling at them. The townsfolk started to throw ranged attacks at me.

“It’s the Black Demon!”

“He’s real!”

“Get him!”

“He hurt those children!”

“He’s here to kill us!”

The townspeople were blinded by the false rumors about me. I turned and ran away, still smiling, not looking back.]

This kind of protagonist is insufferable. No amount of persecution justifies this amount of dickery, and it’s hard to feel sorry for him when he’s so arrogant and smarmy about everything.

[5 Years Ago…]

This is jarring; it’s better to use generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be clear from context or narration.

And as a consequence of this, this whole sequence is extremely jarring and choppy. You really don’t need to go over the backstory in this much detail; it’s pretty predictable, and the events can be summarized or referenced as they become relevant.

You also shouldn’t switch POVs within the same chapter, as that’s very jarring. Especially this early on, the story will be easier to follow if we stick to one perspective.

I’m not entirely clear on how this is connected to Pokemon. Your pokemon characters are all acting like humans with magic powers, which means the pokemon aspect just distracts from your main story. You can and probably should reskin this as a high magic fantasy adventure. This thread has further discussion on this topic: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165030563/1/Original-Fiction

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12608240/1/Since-We-re-Both-Here

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

I do like that you’re using gender-neutral pronouns for Giratina, though.

[Though ultimately compliant to her request, the Pokemon was nothing if not ambivalent to return to its old nest.]

I’m not sure if “ambivalent” is the word you want here? Ambivalent means conflicted or undecided, but it sounds here like Giratina wants to return quite unambiguously.

[But, undeterred, Dawn hopped over the floating stones that made up this world’s walkways, and one of the larger marked plateaus, which sent it jutting upward and into the labyrinth of stone-trunked trees spindled around the realm’s core.]

Something about this sentence sounds awkward. I think it’s the third comma; the actions flow better if it’s removed.

[She didn’t like to complaint]

Typo.

[the man who had brought her to the very brink of existence in the pursuit of his goals.]

…The brink of -existence-? I’m not sure if you mean “non-existence” or something else, but I’m not very clear on what you mean here.

[“…the last comforting thought I had to hold onto was the possibility of you dying horribly. You’ve now taken absolutely everything from me. Thank you.”]

Sentences must be capitalized even when they have a leading ellipses. Also, this seems a bit much for Cyrus – he seemed to be at peace at the end of Platinum, as the Distortion World was what he wanted. He only wanted to make a new universe because he wanted to make a world without “spirit”, remember, and apparently the Distortion World is already like that. His view may have changed in the intervening time, but I honestly don’t see why they would. He doesn’t seem like the type for self-reflection.

[“…”]

This is a visual art convention that doesn’t work in prose.

[“They returned to see the sun setting over the spring]

Errant quote here.

[“No one should, person or Pokemon.”]

So pokemon aren’t people?

This is well-written – you’ve got a lot of description – but, again, I don’t feel like the premise works well. If we’re to believe his own words, the Distortion World is, apparently, what Cyrus always wanted. I can understand an outsider observer believing it’s a horrible place and that even he doesn’t deserve that, but I don’t see why Cyrus would leave without some additional change or motivation. I never got the impression that he particularly hated the PC, either, especially since his schtick is being emotionless. Maybe in D/P, but, again, Platinum ends with him getting what he wanted anyway.

Dawn also feels pretty empty as a character here. That’s somewhat inevitable with the PCs, but she’s pretty much wholly defined by Cyrus here. I can understand the basic reasoning of “not even he deserves this”, but I’m less clear on why she wants him to stick around with her and be redeemed or whatever, even assuming Cyrus’ deduction is accurate. I guess she would be, what, 13? So she might be naive enough to think this would be a good idea, but it still feels a little forced. Perhaps you address this in the upcoming chapters, however.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12608161/1/New-Journey

You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.

[Nick is about to start his very first Pokémon adventure as a trainer. He’ll meet old friends, new foes, and new love.]

Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[Ah, Autumn]

Seasons are also not capitalized.

[the time of the year when the leafs changed to colors of red, yellow, and orange, they twist and dance to the ground giving off a tingling sensation as you step onto them. ]

Part of this is in present tense, and part of it is in past. This is extremely disorienting. Pick one tense and stick with it.

[in 5 years]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

Raising the age of newbie trainers is generally a bad idea. Read this for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142926917/1/TRAINERS-START-AT-TEN

[Arceus out of all the times for you to show up it’s now]

Using Arceus in place of God sounds ridiculous and has no basis in canon. It’s fine to just use “God”. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/162324520/1/Pokeworld-Religion

[“If you’re wondering about this here earpiece on my ear.” Pointing at it; “It’s my translator, I am able to understand all pokemon from all regions.”]

Okay then, he’s a monster and I hope he dies. At least other trainers have the excuse of believing pokemon are nonsapient animals. If he knows pokemon have human-level intelligence and still enslaves them for his own petty glory, he is evil.

[“This guy was the shitface that I chose to be with, could have I have gone with my mother? Sure as hell could of, but what difference does that make, this bitch smoked crack, sold her body for the stuff from fat ogre fucks, I would tell you]

Oh no, the woman made sacrifices to support her children. How terrible.

Well, I would have quit there anyway, but this is also an unreadable mess. Your sentences are bizarre and downright incomprehensible in places. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12608101/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-When-Worlds-Collide

Come back when you have a story to post.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12609916/1/Pokemon-and-Humans-War

Not using paragraphs makes me not want to read your story. Try harder.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12607756/1/Adventures-in-Pokeshipping

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12607726/1/Pokemon-Tales-A-The-Greninja-Trials

[In this first book of the Pokemon Tales Series, follow Froakie as he evolves into a Greninja, making new friends along the way.]

Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

Also, this makes as much sense as you being named “Human”. Yes, I know the Mystery Dungeon games do this. Doesn’t change the fact that it’s ridiculous and confusing. Your characters deserve actual names.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. This isn’t even a complete scene. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12606569/1/Strength-of-the-Heart

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

[“Isabella”- Human Speak(normal)

“Kunoichi”- Pokémon Speak

[Pokédex]]

I guarantee you do not need this key. If basic actions aren’t obvious from context, you’re doing something wrong. Furthermore, since italics are already used for something else (emphasis), I don’t recommend using them to denote special speech.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[“Thanks, dad.”]

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12606926/1/Lagomorph-and-Amour-Shipping-FanFic

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

Sentences, however, do need to be capitalized. Not doing this makes me not want to read your story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12607310/1/Meeting-Again

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

[Pikachu get’s to see]

Errant apostrophe.

[ML54: Hey guys! I finally have this fӣ$ing thing done!

Piplup: Whoa! Man, language over there!

ML54: Oh, sorry man, it’s just that this fic took so long to do, not for the usual reason that I kept adding stuff and procrastinating (though that did happen) but my computer blew up and I lost the original version, which was 4,000 words in, so I had to rewrite the whole thing because I was stupid and forgot to back it up. And now this one ended up so long as well and-

Pachirisu: No, not that! You just mis-spelt the word fu-

ML54: I didn’t mis-spell it! I’m just trying not to swear in my fics anymore! It makes ’em feel…I don’t know, I just don’t want to do it!

Pikachu: *Raises eyebrow* What about Equestrian-

ML54: That’s different! Disclaimer!

Buneary: *Shrugs* Okay, ML54 doesn’t own Pokemon!

ML54: Also, this story is in universe to Nerves so, if you’re wondering why Snivy and Oshawott are dating, that’s explained in Nerves! But you shouldn’t need to read that to understand this story since this is Lagomorph focused! Please enjoy! :D]

This is not nearly as clever or interesting as you think it is. Get to the point.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12605508/1/Deamon-Song

It’s “demon”.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or ocean. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[My father had built his own hut on the shore line, made from driftwood and palm ferns, he only ate from the sea and walked the beaches for shells and other nick-nacks that washed ashore.]

The second comma here is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition. Also, it’s “shoreline”, one word.

[my fathers collection]

Missing apostrophe.

[father was preparing the fire]

When a title (such as “mother” or “father”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

[it’s claws]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

In general, you are making a lot of mistakes, and it makes the story too hard to follow. Are you not a native speaker? You should probably get a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12609942/1/Finding-Your-True-Destiny-Rewrite

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12610184/1/A-Mew-Kind-of-Pokemon-Master

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

[Ash just had to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, get kidnapped by team rocket and be a part of an experiment that turns him into Mew. you could think this will stop him from fulfilling his dream? me thinks not :)]

“Team Rocket”, and the beginning of sentences, need to be capitalized.

However, you wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12613690/1/The-Mystery-of-Aura

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12613771/1/Unbreakable-Bond

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[(Time Skip and Location: 45 Minutes and Serena’s Apartment)]

This is jarring; it’s better to use generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be clear from context or narration.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

This author “accidentally” deleted and reuploaded the fic, and coincidentally blocked me in the interim.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12615718/1/Champion-Kanto-Arc

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[Different Starter. Minor Romance. Smart!Ash Strong!Ash]

If you hate Ash so much, just write an OC instead of insisting your OC is totally Ash. This is really annoying to people who actually want to read stories about Ash.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12613424/1/Survival-of-a-Breeder

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[They don’t have to have names, but I don’t just want the word ‘lazy’. Give me some reasons. Also, they don’t need to have names if you don’t want.]

This amuses me. You want personalities, but not names?

Non-story chapters are banned on this site. A chapter that’s nothing but a submission form is against the rules. You should have some story content anyway so that submitters have some context for what characters are fitting. Relatedly, here’s mine:

Submitted Chara.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12613424/2/Survival-of-a-Breeder

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[Lastly, I’m going to need some enemy trainers. Every chapter, I’ll put out a request. All I want is someone to give me a very basic thing. No age, name, or gender needed. But what you do is put down their Pokemon, how much they’re willing to bet, and who you want them to verse, and I’ll see if I can make them happen.]

This is interactivity, which is against the rules of the site. This information is so incredibly basic you don’t need people for it, anyway; just use a random generator for their team.

7 Comments

  1. illhousen says:

    It’s “demon”.

    Could also be that they were going for daemon spelling but missed it.




    0
  2. Raven says:
    Since you don’t review every fic in the Pokemon section, is there something in particular that draws you to fics to review?



    0
    1. I generally do try to review everything; the only thing I always skip is PMD fic, since I haven’t played past the first game and also I hate it and wish it didn’t exist. If I fall behind, I prioritize the things I have canned spiels for (unlabeled anime fic and original fiction, sometimes pokemon/trainer romances). The stories I’m actually drawn to are anything that looks different from the norm, but especially ones that look like they might question the status quo (pokemon revolutions, N fic, protagonists with pokespeech, etc.).




      0
  3. Arcturus says:
    Okay, I’m a pretty big Sinnoh fan, so I have to counter your points on Cyrus:

    Silence! Enough of your blathering! That’s how you justify spirit as something worthwhile?! That is merely humans hoping, deluding themselves that they are happy and safe! The emotions roiling inside me… Rage, hatred, frustration… These ugly emotions arise because of my own incomplete spirit! …Enough. We will never see eye to eye. This, I promise you. I will break the secrets of the world. With that knowledge, I will create my own complete and perfect world. One day, you will awaken to a world of my creation. A world without spirit.”

    The above quote occurs at the very end of the Distortion World story. It indicates that Cyrus is not content at the end of Platinum, and he was more than capable of hating the protagonist. Emotionless was his ideal, but he was frustrated again and again by how he couldn’t live up to it. Bulbapedia has more of his quotes that corroborate this.

    Of course, the author might have already responded to this point, in which case, my bad!




    2
    1. Oh, that’s interesting. I must have gotten it mixed up with the Pokemon Generations version, where he very explicitly is content.

      …More evidence that Pokemon Generations was the inmates running the asylum.




      1
    2. Hinebras says:
      So, Cyrus wanted to go back some day to fulfill his plans. That’s a bit of a cliffhanger, we will see if it leads to something in Perfect Pearl and Dazzling Diamond. 



      0
  4. CrazyEd says:
    Creatures like Darkrai and the various trios seem to function more like cryptids, spirits, or even just rare beasts

    Or youkai~.




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