[16] The Other Pokereviews, Part 147

Experienced some writer’s block, so I figured it was time for some reviewing. There were a few decent fics, but nothing terribly notable aside from a pokemon rebellion fic that was actually just an edgelord post-apocalyptic story about wizards in pokemon costumes.

Anime: 4

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13255046/1/Oliver-The-Legionnaire-s-Son

Repost of a previously-reviewed fic, that one about Lysandre’s son. Don’t know why it keeps getting reposted, but I’m not interested in continuing to review. Not blocked, though.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13255037/1/Pokemon-Kid

Blocked, new user. Not a story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13255036/1/Pokemon-The-Adventures-Of-Twister

[Wait and see what is this.]

No. Don’t post until you have something to post. This is in your best interest, as updating a chapter doesn’t bump it up in the queue. To get the most attention, you should have content while you’re on the front page.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13254982/1/perhaps-if-i-pretend-hard-enough-things-will-be-different

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13254925/1/Viridian-Secret

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

[Crap title, means crap summary.]

If it’s crap, why do you expect anyone to read it? If you know there’s a problem, you should fix it instead of throwing your hands up in defeat. This isn’t even a bad title, so I’m not sure what you’re frustrated about.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

In general, this has a lot of errors and odd sentence constructions that make the story hard to follow. I recommend looking at grammar resources such as Grammar Girl, and getting a beta reader to help you.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13254789/1/Pokemon-Never-quit

The harem author blocked me. Oh no, however will I go on.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13254645/1/A-Beautiful-Girl

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon. However, species names shouldn’t be capitalized either, for the same reasons.

[“So,” Sycamore said, “We have a bit of a thorny situation here.”]

You’re generally writing dialogue correctly, but this is a rare rule: When narration interrupts dialogue mid-sentence and then continues, the dialogue is formatted as all one sentence – that is, no capital in the second part. So this would be [“So,” Sycamore said, “we have a bit of a thorny situation here.”]

If you’re ever uncertain about this, try looking at dialogue without the quotes and see what would make logical sense. That works in almost all cases.

[“That is impossible,” Wikstrom said. “My knowledge of genetics is poor, I admit, but during meiosis there is required an equal exchange of chromosomes between the parents to create a fertilized egg capable of growing into a human child. One human alone cannot supply them, unless this child is a clone of Lysandre, which is impossible since she is a girl.”

Sycamore pinched the bridge of his nose. “I admit that genetics isn’t my area of specialization either, but it’s somehow true. I’ve taken blood samples and have only been able to find Lysandre’s DNA in the girl. Xerosic has been very cooperative in trying to explain how she was created, but since his notes were destroyed with the Labs we’re a long ways from understanding the process. We think it involves the totipotency of embryonic stem cells, but…” Sycamore shrugged, realizing his audience wasn’t interested in the details.]

Ah, actual science! That’s nice to see. It’s totally reasonable to handwave something unscientific that’s necessary to set up your plot, but it’s still cool that you’re showing your work.

[a trust fund with 5,000,000 pokédollars, which belongs to Belle.”

Malva coughed on her Staryubucks.]

Eh, that’s not really that much. Pokedollars are equivalent to yen, so that’s only about $50,000 USD, the yearly salary of a middle-class worker. To make this truly impressive you’d need to add a few zeros.

[Anybody can get Kalosian citizenship if they get all eight Gym badges and pass a written exam]

That seems a surprisingly stringent requirement. Though in the games you can do a full gym run quickly, NPCs seem to imply that’s not the norm. Certainly, it requires training pokemon from entry level to about half their maximum potential.

And ah, Siebold brings up the exact rebuttals I was going to. Yes, giving an unstable child of a wanted criminal superpowers might not be the best idea!

Huh, so you’re not going the trainer route after all – unless this is a double bluff. Very interesting. This is quite solidly written, and I like that you have the characters cover so many bases so logically – it shows you have put a lot of thought into this situation and to the world. This is indeed a very difficult scenario to ethically resolve, and I’m glad to see it looks like you’ll be getting into that.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13254494/1/Crossing-the-Boulder

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

Hm… I can see what you’re going for with the title, but it doesn’t really work for me. The two words sound similar, but there’s no real shared meaning that makes for clever wordplay. There is potentially the image of surmounting a boulder as a difficult obstacle, but we don’t really use “crossing” to describe that. Some play on Sisyphus or Hercules’ labors, maybe? A mythological parallel would also give a better idea of what this story is about, since the summary and first chapter are quite vague.

[While I appreciate the attempt to curb terrorism from Team Rocket down, I feel concerned. With the way that the law and border are presented, people coming in from Viridian City can enter, but unless you have a Boulder Badge, you can’t leave. It’s like a cockroach motel, so to speak. You can check in, but you can’t check out.]

I would say that’s a fair bit more than “concerning”. That’s turning the city into a prison. How are they getting food and resources? Are communications still allowed out? I also find the stated justification suspicious, as Team Rocket’s whole thing is pokemon battling – it should not be hard for them to beat the weakest gym leader. Furthermore, this is useless unless similar measures are placed at every city and checkpoint – has that happened? Do they even know, or is information locked down too? This seems purposefully designed to corral civilians.

If something like this happened in real life, my fascism sense would be on red alert immediately. It’s very weird that the narrator doesn’t seem terribly concerned about this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13254395/1/The-Best

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

[preview of the actual story.]

Non-story entries are banned on this site. You shouldn’t post until you’re ready to start the actual story. That’s to your best interests anyway, since people are more likely to follow stories than authors. If you post this as a standalone and post your actual story under a separate entry, people who followed this won’t know about it.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, thousands upon thousands of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point. What makes your story unique? Start there.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[Eight years later.]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

You have a lot of strange tense and conjugation errors throughout that make this very hard to follow. I’d recommend getting a beta reader to help you.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13254304/1/The-Everyday-Life-of-a-Pokemon-and-Their-Trainer

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Interactive.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13254115/1/Pokemon-Creation

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13253890/1/The-Journey-Of-A-Hero

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[Lane Stevenson, like so many others, wanted to become a Pokemon Master. Taking his first steps into realizing his dream, the greatest adventure in the history of the Pokemon universe began, with his eyes set on making his name known around the world and forming the strongest relationships with friends, family, and Pokemon.]

So, the thing is, this summary could describe literally thousands of stories in this category already, and as such, this doesn’t grab me. What makes this story different? What unique idea drove you to make it? If you focus on that, you’ll set yourself apart from the crowd and draw more readers.

[people and Pokemon]

To be clear, you understand this is saying pokemon are not people, which rather severely undercuts the friendship narrative you’re presenting?

This is more of a setting primer than a first chapter. Everyone reading Pokemon fanfic already knows this information, so it’s not really necessary, especially as this doesn’t contain any new or unusual takes on the setting. I’d recommend leading with the first chapter of the story instead, or at the very least including the first chapter under this. Your readers really have nothing to go on at this point vis-a-vis whether the story is something they’d like to read.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13253887/1/Pokemon-Cherry-Red

Just so you’re aware, this isn’t tagged as anime fic, which means people searching for anime fic can’t find it. You should find your story under “Manage Stories” and select “Anime” from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

(And since it’s sadly necessary, I must corroborate Handle Criticism Maturely’s points on grammar, as they are in fact correct and Hybrid of Fate is just being contrary. You can confirm this yourself with internet searches for grammar rules, if you would like additional sources.)

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13253735/1/Reset

Previously reviewed, not blocked.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13253733/1/Zero-to-Hero-Reloaded

Previously reviewed, not blocked. Remake so I would review, but it’s anime, so.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13253389/1/Dragon-s-Lair

Blocked, previously reviewed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13253382/1/Aloha-Pokeshipping

Trolling is supposed to be entertaining. Try harder.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13253363/1/The-Lucario-Beginnings

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13253293/1/A-Shiny-Zubat-in-the-Family

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[said the Golbez]

If “Golbez” is his name, it doesn’t need a “the” in front of it.

[“Why us?” Said his partner]

Dialogue formatting rules remain constant regardless of punctuation. So this should be [“Why us?” said his partner]

[their perpetually open mouths]

I don’t think golbat are supposed to be physically incapable of closing their mouths – if nothing else, it seems like it would cause a lot of health problems.

[What’s more, trainers often take caught Zubats into battles during day, which burns their thin skin and hurts them badly, reducing their overall health constantly.]

Wow, that’s dark. So in addition to the general horror of pokemon training breaking up families, pokemon training is explicitly and obviously abusive, and no humans care? That’s horrifying.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13253293/2/A-Shiny-Zubat-in-the-Family

[Zuzu had absolutely no way of knowing it was different from the other kids, as ultrasound does not show color. Since his]

Is Zuzu an “it” or a “he”? Be consistent with pronouns.

[could not tell what his color either]

Missing word here.

[“Sure thing, Mom…” clicks Zuzu.]

The rest of the story is in past tense, but this is in present. Tense consistency is important.

[“We would not survive in the Cerulean Cave.” Replied Golbez.]

You’re formatting dialogue inconsistently. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[Multiple towers of rock sprouting from the ground and trapping her son, before collapsing upon themselves, wounding the child fatally. This trainer had not yet learned to measure his Pokemon’s strength. It was likely that he’d just caught the Onix and had not actually seen how powerful the serpent was.]

Even with this justification, I don’t think it makes sense to cast pokemon battles as this dangerous. A single attack is fatal, really? Pokemon should have fought themselves to extinction long ago with that kind of death rate. You even say this is a newbie trainer with a recently caught onix, so there can’t even be that great of a difference in raw power here.

Unless you mean for this story to be about how the world as a whole is a horrifying dystopia, it might be better to dial back the grimdark. The more horrible things there are at once, the harder it is to focus on anything specific, which dilutes the horror of Zuzu’s own story. I’m worried what will happen to him and his family, but I’m also getting distracted every other paragraph by the hideous injustices that go far beyond his immediate situation.

Also, highly disappointed that you chose the mom to die. If you wanted a subplot with the parents, it would have been fine to have that involve both of them, with the mom only getting injured or some such thing.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13253212/1/Hello12-s-Pokemon-Academy-A-Pokemon-Academy-Story-SYOC-OPEN

Blocked, previously reviewed. SYOC.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13253080/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Sword-and-Shield

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

If they don’t want her to get away, why are they giving her a pokemon and a head start? Even as a power trip, that’s pretty hubristic. I could see it if they only tossed her the scorbunny to make her let down her guard, but they then proceed to give her a ton of warning they’re going to attack her.

If pokemon are sapient, why are they being referred to as “it”?

[Granted, being confused was part of being a pokémon. It was a scorbunny. Its name was Scorbunny. Every scorbunny it knew had the name of Scorbunny. So while it was easy enough to communicate in the scorbunny language (combinations of “scor,” “bunny,” and everything else between those two), it did lead to some confusion as to who Scorbunny was calling to – Scorbunny 1, Scorbunny 2, or Scorbunny 3.]

That doesn’t make sense. That’s not how language works. If there’s a gap in communication, language evolves to fill it. If these are sapient creatures with language, why wouldn’t they have names like us?

[At first, it had thought they were pokémon trainers – people who caught pokémon and forced them to fight, and expected to be rewarded for their mastery. Its ears pricked, it had waited for the sign of the dreaded poke ball, or perhaps another pokémon. One slave sent to capture another slave.]

So if pokemon are legally recognized as sapient, why is slavery allowed? Or if pokemon training isn’t slavery, why do wild pokemon think it is?

[“Scor?” it asked. He didn’t know if she knew that meant “are you okay?”, but it could hope.]

If this section is from the scorbunny’s perspective, shouldn’t the dialogue be translated already? You can use different formatting marks if you want to make it clear it’s not speaking English.

[the things that inhabited the world. People. Pokémon.]

This is saying pokemon aren’t people, which contradicts her earlier statement that they’re recognized sapients.

[the bird-type pokémon were singing]

The word “bird” is used to describe pokemon on its own, so “the birds were singing” would still work.

[“Do you want me to call the pound?”]

This and basically every other detail in this story seems to really contradict the idea pokemon are seen as any different from animals. You should probably remove the line about them being recognized sapient, since you seem to be presenting a world where they aren’t.

And now the pokemon is choosing to battle for her when you explicitly said it sees that as slavery. Why?

[It didn’t know, admittedly. But it had the idea. The other humans were stronger than her. She needed to get stronger. If she didn’t get stronger, she’d stay weaker. And staying weak wasn’t fun, whether it be among bully-bullies, or levelled-up bullies.]

Like, this really is not what’s going on here. She’s not a wild animal fighting for her life every day in a world where might makes right. The worst-case scenario for her is that she continues being sad despite the plethora of options for solving that (since, as the ending to this story shows, it’s apparently trivial for her to resume the trainer circuit). The worst-case scenario for the scorbunny is that it’s trapped in a violent gladiatorial arena you explicitly told us it hates and wants to avoid. Those aren’t equivalent.

If you want to sell this as a fair relationship equally beneficial to both parties, you need to, well, treat the pokemon like a person. Right now, it is totally focused on her problems and how it wants to help her. But what is it getting out of this? What prompted the change of heart from its stance only a few pages ago? Doesn’t it have any concerns about how she’ll treat it? If pokemon are people, they can’t just be props or crutches for humans, they must have their own agency.

[she and her first Pokémon were outside town]

Errant capital here.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13252928/1/Superluck

Blocked, previously reviewed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13252764/1/A-Pokemon-Story

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13252288/1/Disabilities-aren-t-weakness

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[“Ee-vee-vee! (Let me at it!)”]

Putting both pokespeak and translation together like this looks really awkward and strange. If the story is from the humans’ perspective, it’s better to just write the pokespeak (since that’s what the viewpoint character is hearing), or just write the translation with a different formatting mark to make it clear it’s a different language.

[a young and slightly feminine cry was heard through the large and beautiful modern home, originating from the backyard where a young, 7-maybe year old girl were playing with her beloved pet Eevee.]

And this sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, so it should be capitalized. If you want it to carry from the dialogue, you probably need to make the speaker the subject, rather than the cry itself. Generally I’d say this works better as a separate sentence anyway, though, since you use it to describe a lot of other stuff.

[“Alright, Dawn,” he knew to address the Pokemon by her nickname]

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[he young 7 year old asked]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

[Memories of her’s and Dawn’s first meeting]

You don’t need the S on “her’s” – “her and Dawn’s meeting” works.

This is an interesting concept, but the writing is a little clunky and dense. I’d recommend getting a beta reader to help you. This also isn’t really a prologue – prologues are removed from the main narrative in some way, but this directly sets up the next chapter.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13252123/1/Vengeance-Chasing-Home

Blocked, new user.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13252080/1/PAL-Academy

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

This is incredibly insulting to your readers you thought this was acceptable to post. Read up on proper grammar and put a bare minimum of effort into this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13251991/1/Platinum

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[“Oh. Then what is?” Lucas questioned]

“Questioned” is what police do; it’s a synonym for “interrogated”, not “asked”.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[Mesprit, the legendary Pokémon said to reside in Lake Verity, was revered as a guardian deity by most of Twinleaf Town. More than just them worshipped the Pokémon, of course. It was a whole religion, with all three of the lake guardians at the center of it. Either way, while he himself didn’t actually worship the Pokémon, many of the people involved in his life did, including his mother. To them, the idea of capturing, or even attempting to capture, the Pokémon was probably as sacrilegious as you could get, and they’d definitely be branded heretics.]

This is a nice worldbuilding detail. I love stuff about the pokegods and how they might affect the culture.

[Barry’s nonchalance was off putting to, say the least]

You want “off-putting”, with a hyphen. You also want the comma before the “to”, or you could remove it entirely if you want a faster tone.

[the hyperactive blonde]

You want “blond”. “Blonde” is the feminine form.

[the teen]

Barry and Lucas are ten, like all protagonists prior to Gen V.

[His mom had even warned him about this, for Arceus sake!]

Using Arceus in place of God sounds ridiculous and has no basis in canon. While you did establish poke-religion is prominent, literally any other legendary would be more appropriate than the one never referenced by anyone anywhere in the entire world aside from a questionably canon special event. Picking a specific god to swear by also gives us more insight into the character and world than if they just use the generic all-god.

I like that you don’t let the battle drag on too long, though it’s a little simplistic, still following the basic pattern of exchanging moves. I’m hopeful for more dynamic battles later.

[“Yes I have. I’ve been keeping tabs on the two of you for a while now. If I remember right, you two have some of the school’s highest scores in battling and other Pokémon related subjects, even among the higher grades and older students. Not to mention your parents, with rich histories in terms of battling.”]

Hm. I do like that you have more of a justification for letting them keep the pokemon, but this still has the same problem of them being uniquely special, which is a little hard to swallow. There are explanations you could use that could make them feel more everyman, such as their contact with the pokemon ruining whatever study Rowan was planning to use them for. If you *don’t* want them to feel everyman, you should really lean into that and make it a big part of the plot and their characters – brilliant prodigies will have more opportunities open to them than the normal trainer, and that’s going to affect how they approach things and what scenarios will be possible.

So, this is overall quite decently written. You describe things effectively, and your dialogue doesn’t sound stilted or unnatural. You add a good amount of detail to the canon scenes and fill in a lot of missing pieces.

But.

Here’s the thing. The Pokemon games are not well-suited to novelizations, as their plots are largely just vehicles for making you fight a bunch of battles which, while cool in a game where you’re actually playing through them, are not interesting to read about. If you want to make a story out of it, you’ll need to diverge heavily from canon and introduce a ton of unique elements of your own. Notice how the anime and manga did this, and note also that they were still visual media that could fall back on cool, flashy battles, while you won’t be able to.

You should think hard about what, exactly, drives you to write this. What is this story *about*? Do you have some unique spin on the game’s plot, some unusual interpretation of the setting you want to explore? Do you have some interesting theme the trainer journey model meshes nicely with? If you know that and can lead with it, you’ll draw more readers and your story will be better overall.

Right now, though, I don’t see hints that this will go anywhere particularly interesting in the long run. For a plot hook, all the summary gives us is “For years, the Sinnoh region’s champion seat has remained undisturbed, and Lucas Dime is out to change that.” And, well, a story about a tournament match for pure bragging rights just isn’t that compelling when you’re not competing yourself. What’s significant about his desire to become champion? Is the champion some kind of dictator who rules the region with an iron fist? What are the stakes if he fails? These are the sorts of questions that will drive the story and keep the reader engaged.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13251783/1/Pokemon-Mew4

Blocked, new user.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13251285/1/Journey-to-the-Emerald-City-Gym

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[greeted with a smile,”Morning, Leo!”]

There should be a space after the comma when introducing dialogue like this.

[I will not loose you too!]

You want “lose”. “Loose” means the opposite of tight.

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. Judging from your summary, the focus of this story is going to be on the supporting cast. If that’s what the story’s going to be about, you should get there in the first chapter so people can know what they’re getting into.

Blocked! PMs were disabled so I couldn’t check. Don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13251019/1/Asherena-s-wedding-day

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13250777/1/Revolution-REWRITTEN

Non-story chapters are banned on this site. This should go in an author’s note above your first chapter.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13250777/2/Revolution-REWRITTEN

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

[Who would choose to oppose humans but the dirtiest, most morally-bereft detritus of Pokemonkind? Those are the ones who began the revolution, and now Reyes is tasked with bringing one of them-the dirty, morally-bereft, and borderline unstable “King”-to the revolutionary leader, Alakazam.]

Using hyphens without spaces in place of dashes is confusing. To avoid people thinking you’re hyphenating words, you should put spaces around the hyphen, or use a double dash.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[there-is-no-god Pokémon]

That’s an odd phrase to use in a world where gods not only empirically exist but intervene in worldly affairs. This phrase in particular is a very Christian one, hinged on the idea that God is the ultimate moral authority and without him nothing matters; it does not make sense for pokemon to be using it unless they ascribe to the humans’ belief system.

[He usually didn’t stray too far from the revolutionary’s grounds]

You use a singular possessive here, so you’re saying the grounds belong to a single revolutionary. Is that correct?

Why is Alakazam the only pokemon who doesn’t have a real name?

[all Reyes saw was a decrepit city with holes in the skylight roof]

The city as a whole has a skylight? The later description seems to imply that’s what you mean, but Ever Grande is open to the sky, so I’m not sure what’s going on here. If they’ve moved the city underground, it would be helpful to have a line explaining that.

…Unless he’s already in Mauville? This is overall pretty confusing, as “the city” is a vague referent. It might be better to make it explicit what you’re referring to.

[“You have just as much good humor as I’ve expected.” He flicked his makeshift crown up with a smirk.

“Same to you.”]

The new speaker = new paragraph rule is because the speaker is the new subject, not the dialogue, so actions from a new speaker should be paired with the dialogue on a new line. This goes double when you have dangling pronouns and conversations with few speech tags. I initially thought Reyes was the one flicking his crown.

[“Most people don’t find me funny, so thanks.” It wasn’t friendly banter but the King beamed nonetheless. “So, what business does the revolutionary army have with the King?”]

You also seemed to have missed a line break somewhere here. It sounds like Reyes says the first line, but the King says the second, even though this is all on the same line.

[“And for what, if I may have the gall to ask?” You’ve got nothing but gall, you egomaniac. I’m sure even a Donphan wouldn’t get into a dick-measuring contest with you.]

Thoughts also follow the same rules as dialogue, so Reyes’ thoughts should go on a separate line here.

[“Or maybe you could die. Then I would officially never have received the message since the envoi would be found miles away.” He leaned back and crossed his arms with a smirk. “I’ll even be nice and let my boys do it. It’ll be quicker and cleaner.” His Aerodactyl and Salamence rushed Reyes, surrounding him on both sides, and he let them reach close quarters before he leapt into the air, causing them to slam into each other.]

There should really be a paragraph break after the dialogue here, as the battle is a new subject. Since you’re consistently having a lot of issues with paragraph breaks, I’d recommend getting a beta reader to help you with them.

[He used his leaf blades to slice them apart]

Wait, Reyes is a grass-type? Sceptile, I presume? This seems like something that should have been mentioned earlier. Do you mean for his species to be a surprise reveal?

[Aerodactyl and Salamence to instead crash bodily into the plaster wall. They couldn’t move them (the rocks were apparently packed together like a Magneton) but the impact KO’d them on the spot]

What, really? Pokemon seem way sturdier than that. Even the worst recoil moves do only a fraction of the damage of normal attacks.

[“Get rid of them? They’re only KO’d.”]

“Doesn’t matter.” Garchomp lead him over to the northern entrance. A large and dented metal door sealed it instead of rocks, but was protected by Psychic-type Pokémon instead, and the door itself could only be opened psychically, he told Reyes. Reyes heard a reply from the other end before it swung open, revealing the rest of the crumbling Mauville. “The King has no need for Pokémon who lose.”

Uh, that’s a resource he’s throwing away. Just how plentiful are pokemon? You present this as a resource-poor dystopia in the opening lines (“every hour was a fight for something, be it food, shelter, or one’s life”), and in an environment like that successful people do not behave like this. Throwing away limited resources is suicidal. You can only afford to throw away everything minutely flawed in a resource-RICH environment where everything is replaceable.

Likewise, Reyes should not be this belligerent in a world where everyone has a hair-trigger temper and battles are this dangerous. Fighting costs resources, even if you succeed. The optimal survival strategy, long-term, is to avoid them entirely. If you want to make a story where everyone fights all the time and life is cheap, you need to retool your setting so that it actually supports that.

Overall, this doesn’t read like Pokemon fanfic at all. It reads like an original dark fantasy story where everyone happens to have pokemon powers. I don’t see the connection to canon at all, how things changed, or why – humans are not referenced after the opening spiel. Just what exactly is going on here? What is the actual state of the world, and why? You don’t have to explain all of this at once, but if it’s what the story is about, we should be spending more time on that than this.

Also, where are all the women? Contrary to what post-apocalyptic fiction may have you believe, women do not just magically disappear when a disaster happens. Especially in a species that lacks meaningful sexual dimorphism, women should be just as represented here as men, and it’s shockingly unrealistic that they aren’t.

6 Comments

  1. Septentrion says:

    https://www.fanfiction.net/r/13250777/

    You’re both genders now.

    Is there any reason HCM is calling HoF a male?

    2
  2. Marshall Lee says:
    It’s because Warhammer posted a video on his account, claiming to be Warhammer and a gross shirtless guy who obviously didn’t want to be in the video to be Fire4Heaven. And since they’re no stupid, they knew it was actually Hybrid.
    1
  3. Marshall Lee says:
    Damn, my original comment was deleted.

    In January, Warhammer posted a video, claiming to be Warhammer, and a gross, shirtless guy who clearly did not want to be in the video to be Fire4Heaven. Because none of them are stupid, they knew that the guy was just Hybrid.

    1
    1. Act says:

      Sorry, looks like it got sucked in by Spam. The spambots tend to have [firstname lastname] usernames, for whatever reason, so those almost always get flagged.

      1
    2. Septentrion says:

      Sounds like it could just be a third party troll, except if we know it’s Warhammer. I didn’t keep up with this at all.

      1

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