[17] The Other Pokereviews, Part 130

A pokescrewing fic that most definitely is a total master/slave thing; a weirdo who attacked me in the author’s note but did not block; a very wordy thing about professionally diagnosing Cyrus’ mental illnesses; and a really good short story collection about different ways to get a starter.

Anime count: 8

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13068155/1/he-who-does-not-forgive

This story isn’t showing up under the anime filter, which means people searching for anime can’t find it. You should tag your story as anime fic so they can. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13068341/1/Things-after-Pidgey-was-arrested

Already reviewed, by both me and someone else. I’m not blocked.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13068620/1/In-the-Lazy-Hours

Blocked, previously encountered.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13068690/1/A-Compilation-of-FurryAnthro-Pokemon-One-Shots

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[I was in the streets of Shuyaro, a outcast town in Kanto, which was not big enough to be put on the map of the region. At least, not as of now. It was near Pallet Town, but more in the woods. There was a lot of houses, and a total of 158 residents. There was, of course, a Pokecenter, a Pokemart, and a grocery store. There was also a diner, which was also a bar.]

I understand the urge to explain basic information to the reader to set the stage, but opening the story with description or exposition is actually not a good idea. Readers don’t actually need to know this stuff just yet to enjoy the story; things like how the character acts and what they’re doing matter much more in the long run. Show don’t tell, etc. This early on, you should stick to information that is immediately relevant. More minor details can come after readers have gotten invested.

(You also want “an outcast”.)

[around 6’10]

If you’re giving height to the exact inch, that’s not “around”. This isn’t actually necessary, though; exact measurements are ironically harder to picture. It’s best if you give more fanciful descriptions, like “a towering giant”, especially as that gives you more opportunities to characterize the description.

[It’s frame]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

[It’s frame was curvy, and looked about 6’2. It’s stomach was tan furred, and the rest of its fur was a dark red. It had six furry curled tails sticking out above her rear, and her muzzle was coated in tears. She also had large a-cup breasts, which was covered by her fur.]

Okay, so, here’s an important thing about description: unless you are telling the story in omniscient POV, all narration takes place inside a character’s head. That means that everything they describe are things they chose to focus on and think are important. So unless you are meaning to show this character is a sleazeball, he should not be focusing on determining the exact cup size of a girl who’s about to be raped.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[It was obviously in shock, so I limped over to it. I leaned down, and picked her up bridal style.]

Is the vulpix “it” or “she”? You should be consistent with pronoun usage. This is especially important in a romance story, where whether or not the protagonist sees her as a person is rather relevant.

[still a but pus-y]

I think you meant “bit” there.

[when 3 guys]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

[inside a humans house]

Missing apostrophe. I’ll stop pointing out these errors, but they are distracting. You should proofread more thoroughly, or get a beta reader to help you if you have trouble.

[5 Days Later -Diego’s POV-]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring. You also don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context.

[Ruby was officially my pokemon. I bought a pokeball from the mart, and captured her. Ruby was happy, of course.]

Okay, so, do you see why it’s a little weird that she’s treated as property when you just established she can talk and displays all the hallmarks of personhood? Moreover, do you see why it’s a little disturbing that he is going to screw someone he literally owns? If master/slave dubcon is your kink, that’s all well and good, but could you maybe tag for it?

And wow did it proceed to go the whole mile with the master/slave thing from here.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13068766/1/Snowpoint-Mountain-Reborn

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

[An Eeveelution story about a Jolteon, a Glaceon, a mountain, and a cave full of others.]

That’s a little vague as a summary, and could describe a lot of stories. It’s more effective advertising if you can give us an idea of what makes your story unique.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[people and Pokémon alike]

Just to be clear, you understand this is saying pokemon are not people?

[The Jolteon’s master had met a woman one night and fell deeply in love with her, but the Jolteon did not share his sentiments. Before long, the woman had moved in and stank up his entire life with her scent. The spot on the bed he shared with his master was now occupied. The couch where he enjoyed lazy naps became off limits. The food his master had shared with him started to come from cans and bags rather than the human’s plate. The time, love and affection that had once belonged only to the Jolteon was now reduced to bits and scraps of the once unbreakable bond that it had been. And one day, when the woman had angrily swatted him off the couch he was laying on, the Jolteon turned around, bristled his many spikes, and shot the woman’s legs with many electrified spines, hospitalizing her for a short while. That very same day, his trainer had wrapped him in several blankets, put him in an old cardboard box, and dumped him in the alleyway where he now sat.]

This makes me so sad. Pokemon, for all their apparent power, have so little control over their own lives and circumstances. Even if they can get a “good” master, they can so easily lose it on a whim, because when push comes to shove, humans don’t actually care about their needs. This jolteon was never even given another option: maybe if he had been raised in the wild, he would have the skills needed to go back there and survive. But humans are all he’s ever known, so all he can do is waste away in the city.

[This human couldn’t have been her master, masters did not harm their own Pokémon. Why did she lay down and take it, instead of freezing the human where he stood? What could have made this human so mad in the first place?]

And this is such a cruel fiction, because they get the pokemon to believe it too. Everyone knows masters never abuse pokemon, so nothing a master does can possibly be abuse. Nothing can possibly justify escape or retaliation. If the pokemon fights back, whatever happens next is their own fault.

[“Useless!” Screamed the man]

Dialogue formatting remains constant regardless of punctuation, so this should be [“Useless!” screamed the man].

[Also, we took her statement when she came to, and already passed it on to the police department, so there’s no need for you to explain yourself.]

So beating your pokemon is illegal, but abandoning it to die isn’t? What will even be the repercussions for this? What protections do pokemon have, exactly?

[“We’re more than just their tools or their pets,”]

Are they, though?

[If you’ll let me tag along, Ill follow you]

[“Snowpoint Mountain.” Snow said]

Typos here.

This is an interesting opening, but it’s so sad to see how awfully pokemon are treated even when they apparently can report crimes done to them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13069059/1/YEARS-SINCE-THE-ARC

Blocked, don’t recognize them. No reviews because Hybrid already got what she wanted.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13069097/1/The-Aura-Gamer

[And before I forget: St. Elmo and friends, don’t bother leaving me you trolly reviews. It’s not my first rodeo nor will it be my last. The issues you all place are laugable. Example being a Pokemon’s name should not be capitalized. It should be, seeing as that is a name. It’s on the TCG, VGC, and the actual anime. Unless the Pokemon has a nickname, the species name is the proper name. It’s only been going on for 20+ years now.

The “it belongs in the anime world” is something that shouldn’t even be said. No one ever touches that. You complain about it and state that you can find it in the Anime genre easier. Then why are you in the Game genre. Do you not sort?

The community should be helpful, not toxic here. Now for those that have bothered to read this blurb, St. Elmo and his motley crew have not left their reviews on my story. I just decided to put this on here as they simply LOVE to do this to new stories.]

You need to get over yourself, kid. It’s fine if you don’t want to experience negative comments, but a public website is maybe not the best place to post your story in that case. It’s not very nice to call people trolls just because you disagree with them.

I’m just going to say that your assertion about the world tags is objectively false, as is easily verifiable just by filtering for them yourself. Over 31,000 stories use the tags. Just because you don’t care about something doesn’t mean no one does.

Anyway, if you don’t want my reviews, it’s much more productive to block me rather than starting weird fights with me in your author’s note.

Why do people do this and then not block me?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13069207/1/Ashes-Fell

Given that weird review, I’m guessing KingPyle PM’d you about me? My condolences. KingPyle is a sockpuppet of lstwill56, who was banned on my sister’s forum for using racial slurs and is now spamming the category as revenge. Be warned that she’ll mob this story with sockpuppets in response to this review. Moving on…

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

[Well, Nanu mused, she’s fucked. No, whole group fucked.]

Mused means to think aloud. You probably want “thought” here.

[“I didn’t show any initiative,” Lana blurted out,” So no one can be blamed but me.”]

A quote mark is off by a space here.

This is well-written, but I don’t quite understand why Lana is so invested. Is this based on their anime characterization? I haven’t seen that, so I wouldn’t know.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13069552/1/Grandfather-of-Pokemon

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13069639/1/To-Be-the-Very-Best

This isn’t showing up under the anime filter. You’ll get more readers if you tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13069750/1/Project-Evolution-part-1

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

I should not have to tell you that sentences need to be capitalized. It is incredibly rude to your readers that you thought this was acceptable to post. Put a bare minimum of effort into this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13069756/1/Victory-Melody-Stories

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Script format is banned on this site, and as such this story is at risk for deletion. You should switch to prose format.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13069782/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Aura-Guardians-English-Version

Blocked, don’t recognize them. They have a review from Hybrid.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13069950/1/Aura-Light-Rangers-REWRITE-SYOC

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. This is all the more important for a SYOC fic, where people need to have an idea of the story before they can shape their characters for it.

Look, you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. It might seem like it’s harder to think up characters than have someone else do it for you, but it’s actually far more work to try to figure out how to write a random batch of personalities and backstories, then figure out how you can make them fit into your story and get along with each other. If you make up characters based on what you need for your story, it’s not only a much better story for it, it’s easier to do. Almost all SYOC stories end up never updating, those that do often die after a chapter or two, and even the ones that continue a bit longer are plagued by meandering non-plots and characters who don’t seem to have any point to their scenes. If you just want general inspiration, it’s better to check out lists of public OCs and find ones that you know will work well with the story. Here’s one: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/128021680/1/Character-Bio-Thread

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13070050/1/Tale-of-an-Exploding-Face

This isn’t showing up under the anime filter. You’ll get more readers if you tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13070212/1/An-AureliaShipping-Ash-x-Lillie

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13070321/1/Such-Is-Life

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

I appreciate that you’re using neutral pronouns for Xerneas.

This looks potentially interesting, but it’s too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. This is barely a single scene.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13070420/1/Heartbeat

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13070450/1/How-I-met-my-Girlfriend

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[“Ash, food.” Serena reminded]

That is a really awkward speech verb. You’re overusing uncommon speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever fancy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13070593/1/Pinnacle

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon. However, similar reasoning should be applied to terms like “champion” and “gym leader”.

[Smart & eventually strong Ash.]

At a certain point, you really need to ask yourself why you’re so uncomfortable admitting you want to write about an OC that you have to staple Ash’s face over theirs. Just write about your OC. Trying to force this to hit the same beats as canon to justify it being Ash will just cheapen the changes you’ve made and make the entire thing more boring as you take what could be an original plotline and hammer it back into the same shape as always.

[‘Well, this is it,’ he thought to himself]

You shouldn’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13070264/1/Dismantle-the-Distortionist

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

I appreciate that you’re using “it” pronouns for Giratina.

[He spent nearly all of his time simply pacing, thinking, wandering deep as he could get; slowly becoming more accustomed to how to traverse the strange terrain.]

That semicolon should be a comma, I believe.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[for a while thereafter]

This sentence lacks a capital.

[“You brought me here.” Cyrus stated.

“As a punishment, which you seem to have not understood.”]

This seems a little odd – Giratina seems to be content in the Distortion World, so I don’t see why it would think of it as a punishment. It may assume that other beings would hate it, but that seems like more empathy than this strange hermit of a creature would possess.

[“It is not my responsibility to make you repent, human!”]

Similarly, I don’t see Giratina as something that would care so much about justice. According to Cynthia, its attack on Cyrus was totally self-motivated. If it wants him gone, it would just throw him out again, and if it wants him dead, it would just kill him; spending this much time trying to give him some sort of epiphany doesn’t seem like its style.

[Cyrus nodded as best he could, moving his head too much made him briefly able to feel the tube even into his chest]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

[“Good.”

Cyrus’s condition deteriorated, and Dr. Arzt was left scratching her head as to why.]

It looks like this is a perspective shift, which means it should have some marker beyond just a paragraph break to signify it. You could try a horizontal line, or a symbol allowed by FFN.

I like the detail of using the lucario to get a read on Cyrus. It’s always nice to see mundane uses for fantasy concepts.

[Are the nurses in here regularly to give you medication?]

Looks like a word was dropped here.

This is interesting, though a little on the dry side. Your descriptions are good and I like that you’re performing such a serious analysis of Cyrus’ mental state, but… I’d estimate this is around 10,000 words? Several sections feel unnecessary, or like they don’t connect up clearly; the story might have benefited from being condensed.

The grammatical mistakes here are minor, but the quantity of them is still distracting. I’d recommend getting a beta reader to help you with them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13071028/1/First-Step-On-the-Road-to-Something-New

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

This is really cute! This sounds really natural. You really capture the sense of how normal pokemon are in peoples’ lives.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13071028/2/First-Step-On-the-Road-to-Something-New

This is lovely as well, and really sweet. It’s an intriguing contrast to the first – a more low-class family that has to grapple with the logistics of raising pokemon.

[And although she knows there are trainers that do so, it’d be cruel to keep a pokemon in its ball every night.]

This is a nice detail, too. It’s nice to see things like this touched on – it’s so interesting to look at the things we take for granted in the games and think about how they’d actually work.

[Lillian’s trying to remember the proper name for trade-based evolutions (alternating familial something social something – nope, it’s gone)]

This, too.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13071044/1/New-Beginnings

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.

[Enter Draco, Nyx and Marina, three cousins from Pallet town that will begin their journey at the world of pokemon. Each one of them has different dreams and goals and we will see them trying to fulfill them gradually.]

Your summary is similarly general; this could describe a lot of stories. Summaries should tell us more than just the genre. What are their dreams and goals? What’s your plot? Why might people want to read this story?

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[Both people and pokemon]

Just to be clear, you are intending to say pokemon are not people?

[However this day was special]

Missing punctuation here.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[professor Oak’s]

When titles are used as part of a name, they’re capitalized like ones.

This is really messy and hard to follow. You need to read up on grammar and get a beta reader to help you.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13071075/1/Ash-s-kalos-journey

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

Your summary should tell us what your story is about.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

[(Crowd goes wild)]

In prose, things like this should be described.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[(Kanto, pallet town, April 1)]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

Generally, this is a mess. I should not need to tell you that sentences need to be capitalized. Put a bare minimum of effort into this.

5 Comments

  1. Ghost says:

    And wow did it proceed to go the whole mile with the master/slave thing from here.

    Oh dear. That’s another one for the list.

    If you just want general inspiration, it’s better to check out lists of public OCs and find ones that you know will work well with the story. Here’s one: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/128021680/1/Character-Bio-Thread

    One day, I might just check out these SYOC stories to see if they use any of the characters from the thread.

    Also, you reviewed the same story twice. Did you hit enter early on the first one or was it a multi chapter review?

    1. If you’re talking about The First Step, then yeah, I did the second chapter as well. You can tell because the chapter number is in the link.

  2. Observer says:

    “Just to be clear, you understand this is saying pokemon are not people?”

    Well, pokemon aren’t people..

    1. Ghost says:

      I think it’s meant in the “If you are gonna treat Pokémon as equal to people, you need to stop specifying Pokémon and people” way.

    2. Well, that’s the thing. Maybe they are people in your version of the ‘verse, maybe they aren’t. How should we define “person”, exactly? I consider something that displays self-awareness and higher intelligence to have personhood. In canon, pokemon have those traits, in addition to possessing language.

      Maybe you really do mean to say pokemon aren’t people (perhaps you are adopting a headcanon that they are only as smart as animals), but it’s impossible to say that and mean anything when everyone is blithely parroting “pokemon and people”. I want authors to think about what they’re doing.

      3

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Skip to toolbar