[17] The Other Pokereviews, Part 148

Another nice pokemon story from NebulaDreams, a painfully cliché crime drama where everyone is incompetent, and a lot of nothing.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13259599/1/Contenders

Blocked. I… might have reviewed them? Can’t remember and they have a zillion stories. This appears to be part of a series, so I probably wouldn’t have reviewed anyway.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13259519/1/Human-X-Lugia-18

I should not have to tell you that “I” is capitalized. This level of disorganization is incredibly rude and inconsiderate to your readers. Put a bare minimum of effort into this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13259467/1/Redemption

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13259462/1/Roxanne-and-Winona-in-Love

Blocked, previously encountered.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13259225/1/The-Forgotten-Boy

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13259215/1/Greetings-from-Sobel-the-Ampharos

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

The summary is quite vague. It would be best if you could give readers a better idea of what the story will be about. Remember, the summary is what will convince people to click on the story at all.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Since FFN doesn’t allow indenting, it’s probably best to double-space between dialogue changes, like you do for other paragraphs.

Ellipses are always three dots, never more or less.

[We have a total of 5]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

[Oh my Arceus-!]

Using Arceus in place of God sounds ridiculous and has no basis in canon. It’s fine to just use “God”.

Explicit sexual content technically isn’t allowed on this site, but if you do want to post it, you should rate the story M.

Are you not a native speaker? There are a large number of punctuation errors throughout this that makes the story hard to follow. I’d recommend reading up on grammar rules, and getting a beta reader to help you.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13259189/1/Celeste-and-the-Omen-of-the-Stars

[A door creaked open. Celeste entered her home, returning from meeting with a certain someone. She smiled at the thought of it, and climbed the intricate staircase. Once on the second floor, she emerged onto the balcony. From there, she could see all of her home, Psychic Valley. It was a large chunk of grassy, flat land, with the exception of the valley itself.]

The first few sentences here seem a bit unnecessary – I feel like the “money shot” of this section, as it were, is in the description of Psychic Valley, especially since that’s a good opening for a fantasy story. It might flow better to start with her already in the house overlooking the valley so you can get straight to that – opening with simple, mundane actions is a little boring and slows the build of momentum.

[Celeste remembered reading about a third legendary, but she was sure that was only a legend itself.]

Why? It’s reasonable for someone to not believe something that’s actually true, but they generally have, well, a reason. Why is she so certain there can’t be another god when two already exist? What about the legend makes it unbelievable?

Additionally I’m not too fond of using the term “legendaries” in fic, and your phrasing here sort of demonstrates why. It’s very much a fandom term, as it’s a shorthand for the canon term “legendary pokemon”. It’s also much too general given the actual range of power of legendaries. Legendaries like latios seem to be merely rare beasts, while legendaries like Kyogre are gods. If people are worshiping something, they’d probably just call it a god, not “a figure from legend”. Especially since these are living gods, so they’re not old legends, they’re very much real and here in the moment.

[She grabbed it off the shelf]

With what? Espeon don’t have opposable thumbs. It’d make sense for her to use telekinesis, as we see psychics using that for fine manipulation in canon, but you should describe that.

This isn’t a prologue. A prologue is separated from the main story in some way, by time, place, or person. (The book “Going Postal” demonstrates this very well, if you’d like an example.) The events of this chapter directly lead into your next one, so it’s just the first chapter of the story.

The prose here is adequate, but a little simplistic. There’s not much beyond the immediate description of what’s going on. I recommend pushing yourself to try more elaborate descriptions and varied sentences, maybe sprinkle in some metaphors or similes to add depth.

I could be wrong, but this doesn’t seem to have much to actually do with Pokemon. It looks like an original fantasy story in an original fantasy setting. Certainly Solgaleo and Lunala are not remotely suitable for this role in their canon incarnations, and you haven’t even made reference to pokemon powers. I think you might be better off retooling this as original fiction.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13259120/1/The-Prodigy

Blocked, new user.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13258984/1/Snivy-s-Inflation-Escape

The fetish author blocked me. However will I go on.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13258983/1/Chasing-Colors

[the notorious Team Shade and Snow]

It sounds like these are meant to be two separate teams, but the use of the definite article makes that ambiguous. You could make it clearer by saying “Teams”, or writing out “Team Shade and Team Snow”.

I’m not too fond of using the term “legendaries” in fic. It’s very much a fandom term, as it’s a shorthand for the canon term “legendary pokemon”. It’s also much too general given the actual range of power of legendaries. Legendaries like latios seem to be merely rare beasts, while legendaries like Kyogre are gods.

[Also, in this story, Pokemon can learn over four moves.]

A good call.

Your dash formatting looks a little strange – while I understand if you’re averse to em dashes due to this site’s love of randomly stripping characters, there’s generally symmetry to slashes – either a space on either side or no spaces at all. Symmetrical spaces might look clearer, especially since you’re only using tiny hyphen dashes.

[So to look the part, Lilac had to look like a woman. Not a 17 year old girl. They dressed her in a tight fitted black dress, with a push up bra, making her bust seem two sizes larger; with fishnet stockings that only a hooker would wear. She resisted the urge to pull down her dress, but apparently nobody did that around here. The more skin, the better.]

Enh, the trope of “the female agent has to go undercover as a hooker” is really, really skeevy and unpleasant to read, doubly so when the character is underage. Was this really necessary? She couldn’t have dressed as a buisnesswoman or something – which would make more sense, since she’s supposed to be sneaking into a business transaction?

[30 inches?]

Numbers are always written out when they begin a sentence.

Okay, so if the point was she had to look like Karen, you could have maybe used Karen’s actual outfit instead of saying she was in stripper gear?

Switching POV style is really confusing and disorienting. If you want the story in first-person present, it should be that from the start.

[Jenu town]

All parts of a name are capitalized, so this should be “Jenu Town”.

[It literally only has two houses.]

That’s not a town. That’s two houses. The town sizes we see in the games are clearly not meant to be literal.

[were women lay around men]

I can’t parse this. Some wires may have gotten crossed here.

[On the south wall was a bar]

And you’re not keeping the tense consistent even here. Rest of this section is in present tense, so this should be too.

[“Fucking dammit- Muse, why the hell am I in 8-inch stilettos?”

Muse does not reply, but I can hear his demented laughter through the earpiece.]

You say this made her stumble, so this is something that could compromise the mission. Operatives compromising their missions for petty pranks is not exactly characterizing this organization as competent and worth taking seriously.

[“What can I get for you today, darling?” He asks]

You’re generally formatting dialogue correctly, but there’s an errant capital here.

[“Before you head down, I’ll need to confiscate any Pokemon.”]

Won’t this immediately blow her cover when they scan them and realize they’re not Karen’s, or did they hack the trainer ID?

[“Well, fuck. Good thing you carry seven. Which one will you keep?”]

If it’s possible to carry more than six pokemon, why in the world would any confiscation stop at six? Do they not have scanners to detect stuff like this?

[I clutch my last pokeball like a lifeline]

And she proceeds to make it obvious anyway.

[The pokeball in my hand shakes, glows. I toss it up, and it explodes in a flash of light- and my beloved Nidoking bursts out. He roars a battle cry.]

But apparently nobody notices her possessing a huge, large, attention-drawing pokemon in an area where she’s not supposed to have pokemon, so I guess everyone is so incompetent it all balances out.

[each of it’s hands]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

Hm, female professor. That’s something, at least.

[Use earthquake, to take out the Bisharp. Follow it with Superpower]

Move names can be capitalized or uncapitalized, but you should be consistent about it.

This feels like it cuts out a bit early. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. Especially since this is all you’ve posted so far, you’ve no guarantee people will even come back.

And frankly, this doesn’t endear me to the story. If this is supposed to be a spy/crime drama story, the appeal of those stories is the competence and cunning of the characters; but everyone here is grossly incompetent, and it looks like the solution is going to be boring brute force instead of anything clever.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13258795/1/I-feel-you-living

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13258783/1/Outside-the-Frame

Be aware that script format is banned on this site, even for chatlog fics. You should make sure to back this up just in case. Archive of Our Own does not have this restriction, if you’d like to crosspost. (AO3 might actually be better for this in general, since it lets you group stories into series.)

[It opened, taking him to the Pokemon server, which encouraged discussion on the Pokemon games, anime, manga and more.]

Hm. It’s an interesting idea to imagine the Pokemon franchise as existing in-universe, but I imagine it wouldn’t be called “Pokemon” unless Nintendo has some kind of nightmarish stranglehold on the market. Think of how many games we have about animals – there are pieces of media just titled “Animals”, but not many, and they typically have fierce competition.

[lysandredidnothingwrong]

Hahaha. I’m at least 90% certain there’s a real person with this username.

[They’re popular IRL as well. I can see why: they’re easy to get along with and all, and also very battle capable, but they’re everywhere.]

Hm, they are? They don’t appear in the wild at all, and riolu are usually only found in one area per region. They could be bred, but they’d probably have to be running some kind of puppy mill to satisfy demand. Unless this is explained in The Curious and the Shiny, which I sadly am not caught up on.

Oh god, these chatlogs are giving me so many flashbacks. XD They are so sadly accurate. Oh, fandom.

This was really sweet! It’s a really nice look at how pokemon might integrate into human society, and how they’re affected by the trainer system.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13258443/1/Random-Ikari-Tales

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13258375/1/A-Town-Map-and-a-Cup-of-Tea

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13258229/1/That-Time-I-Got-Reincarnated-Into-the-World-of-Pokemon

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13258183/1/The-First-Journey

You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.

[A young child going out into the world for the first time with his new Pokémon partner!]

Likewise, this summary could describe literally thousands of stories. Summaries should tell us more than just the genre. What makes your story unique?

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[My eyes were closed, I am not blind, nor am I dead.]

This is a run-on sentence; the first comma should be a period. Additionally, the rest of the story is in present tense, so this should be as well.

[“14…” I mutter to myself]

Numbers are always written out when they start a sentence.

[It was a tradition in my family, that when a member of the family reaches 14 years old, they get their first Pokémon.]

Why? Trainers start at ten. This means he’ll be losing to people three years his junior.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You should be making more paragraph breaks. Right now, this is a little dense. You should make a new paragraph whenever there’s a change in subject, such as the character moving to a new room or taking a new action.

Eevee are incredibly overused starters, and incredibly overused pokemon in general. Is there a particular reason why you want him to have an eevee, i.e. is it necessary for the plot? If not, you might actually get more mileage out of trying a lesser-known pokemon. Novelty can set you apart from the crowd.

[“Yes, master?” Eevee replies.]

When a title (such as “master” or “mom”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

Also, eugh, this is incredibly skeevy. The only reason to do this is if you want to evoke slavery connotations. If you don’t, you should not have pokemon talking like this.

[It’s cool having a talking Eevee I guess.]

This is a disgustingly immoral and self-centered thing to say.

The eevee said it was always talking. It should be obvious to anyone in this position that he is getting a translation, not that the eevee has suddenly gained an intelligence boost. This means that all eevee are as self-aware and intelligent as this one. That, in turn, means that creatures he thought were unthinking animals and which his culture routinely treats as subordinate pets who can’t think for themselves are actually self-aware and intelligent. This is a world-shattering revelation, not a cool trinket.

If you don’t want to get into this, you shouldn’t have pokemon talk. I’m not sure why you’re having them talk anyway, since this eevee has no personality beyond being a cute mascot, something a regular animal could accomplish just fine.

[Ok!]

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced “ock”, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

So do you have a plot for this? The standard badge quest is not a plot. If you’re just trying to novelize the game, you’re going to peter out. That’s not an indictment of your skill, that’s simple fact backed up by years of data on these sorts of stories. The games don’t really have a plot, if we’re being honest. You should think about what kind of unique spin you want to take on this, and advertise it early on so people can get hooked.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13258076/1/Jaroslava-s-Adventure-Of-Kanto

Blocked, new user.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13260094/1/The-Ultimate-League

Previously reviewed, not blocked.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13260054/1/Escape-From-The-Shadows

[Kidnapped from her home, her memories gone, Pixie is a prisoner of the Lab. Her friends are prisoners too. But can Pixie recover her memories and escape the Lab before it is too late? Will she be another victim of their atrocities, or will she save the world? Find out in this]

It looks like that last sentence got cut off, and this is quite vague. You’ve described the basic setting, but not really what the story is about. Who is Pixie? What is the Lab, beyond a generically evil place? In essence, why should we care? You should think about what makes your story unique, and use that to make yourself stand out from the crowd.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

[She was wearing a dark purple robe and a pearl bracelet.]

So, description is tricky to do in an engaging way. Notice how this sentence does absolutely nothing to advance the narrative; you’ve brought the story to a screeching halt to tell us these things, and you’re going to jerk us back into motion just as suddenly soon after. These sorts of “start-stop” moments are things you should try to avoid. Though it’s difficult, you should try to incorporate description into an action, or wrap it in imagery that’s thematically relevant to the character or scene. Give it layers, basically.

[Are you ok, Luna?]

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced “ock”, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

[Luna looked up at Lily and plopped down.

“I am thirsty and sleepy, sis…” Luna whined]

The rule that you should make a new paragraph for a new speaker is actually because the new speaker is a new subject. If you’re having the speaker take actions before their dialogue, you should group that on the same line.

[Luna whined, her blue eyes shining in the moonlight. “I know. Go get a drink at the river. Then we can take a break and you can sleep a little.” Lily said]

There should also be a paragraph break here for Lily’s dialogue, since it’s a new speaker.

How is Lily writing? Eevee don’t have opposable thumbs. If you’re going to write about pokemon characters you need to think about all the ways they’d function differently from humans.

[I ran away from Mother. She hid father somewhere.]

You correctly capitalized “Mother” here, but you should capitalize “Father” as well. When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

[Lily looked at Luna,tied up]

Missing space here.

This isn’t a prologue. A prologue is separated from the main story by time, place, or person. (The book “Going Postal” and the A Song of Ice and Fire series have great examples of this.) This chapter leads directly into the events of the next, so it’s just a first chapter.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13260000/1/Spirited-the-Rewrite

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13260232/1/Tea-and-Gin

Blocked, don’t recognize them. “Constructive criticism always welcome.”

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13260171/1/Snapshot

Blocked, previously reviewed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13257934/1/The-Carmine-Lasky-Saga

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

This is full of really basic errors, to the point it looks like you’re not trying. Put a bare minimum of effort into this, please.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13257922/1/After-Explorers-Distant-Dance

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13257834/1/The-Charcoal-Queen

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[She was about 8′ 4″]

If you’re giving height to the exact inch, that’s not “about”. Exact measurements actually tend to be harder to visualize, counterintuitively. I’d recommend giving a more general description, like “she towered over him”.

I should not have to tell you “I” is capitalized or that contractions need apostrophes. Put a bare minimum of effort into this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13257762/1/Pokemon-Star-Fusion-Kela-s-Adventure

Blocked, don’t recognize them. “please criticize the heck out of me. I need as much feedback and advice as possible, I want to grow as an author.”

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13257677/1/The-Number-One-Ranch-Hand

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

[They considered interferring]

Spellcheck tells me that should be “interfering”, only two R’s.

This is cute, and the battle is nicely described. If this is an anime character, though, this should be labeled under the anime world.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13257564/1/Team-Riot

[Arceus, if you’re really up there, please save my life!]

Arceus is not the Judeo-Christian God. It doesn’t do divine interventions. It’s also questionable whether even pokemon know of it, as the only surviving record of it in the entire franchise (the Sinjoh Ruins) is unfathomably ancient and the most knowledgeable NPC in the game doesn’t even recognize it. If humans weren’t able to preserve that knowledge, it seems unlikely that pokemon, with scattered populations and no writing system, were able to.

[The Lucario used Extreme Speed to evade two hyenas jumping out to Bite it. They collided and knocked each other out, and the Lucario used a Focus Blast on a third who foolishly tried attacking it up front.]

So, while I understand just using attack names makes this much easier to write, it does flatten the description quite a lot. How, precisely, does he use Extreme Speed to dodge? What does the Focus Blast look like, in what way does it injure the mightyena? Battles are much more engaging if you don’t always call the attacks – try making it into a puzzle, describing the move in enough detail for a learned fan to figure it out, before revealing the answer at the end. The story “Gods and Demons: ad terminos terrae” has a lot of good examples of this.

[He held out his paw to stroke the Eevee’s trembling head.]

Lucario have spikes on their palms, so that seems kind of difficult. Are the spikes retractable?

This is a decent opening, but it’s still a bit unclear where the story’s going from here. Is this a set of episodic stories of Team Riot helping random pokemon, or will there be a plot arc? In either case, this is a bit short. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. You should try to make it a representative example of what the reader can expect from the story going forward.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13257201/1/Outlaw-A-Pokemon-Story

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13256980/1/From-Dusk-Till-Dawn

[Canalave city]

All parts of a name are capitalized, so this should be “Canalave City”.

Your author’s note is very rambly and hard to follow. Slow down, plan out what’s most important and what you want to communicate, and use some commas.

[I’m not going to go into intense scientific detail about everything as i find that often goes over my head]

You also have an uncapitalized “I” here.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[*CRACK*]

This isn’t a comic book. Sound effects should be described in prose.

[his own and his opponents]

You need an apostrophe for possessive here.

[2 sizes too small]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

[towards the boy,handing]

Missing space.

[the rundown, crowded bar]

You wand “run-down”, with a hyphen.

[Goddammit who am i kidding]

Another uncapitalized “I”. Most word processors auto-correct this, so you really have no excuse here. Put a bare minimum of effort into this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13256863/1/The-Ghosts-of-Eterna-Forest

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13256747/1/To-Burn-Our-Inheritance-For-Brighter-Embers

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

This is interesting, but quite short for an opening. This might be an effective cliffhanger in the middle of the story, but given we have so little to go on, it’s a bit too open-ended. Telling us where he’s going to set up the new base, and thus, presumably where this story will take place, will give readers a better idea of if this is a story they want to read, which is the purpose of a first chapter.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13256693/1/Flower-Boy

[It’s been ten years since Casey Seedling was promised a Pokémon He isn’t about to let their second attempt at a takeover stop him from his journey.]

Missing punctuation here.

[I’m sure mom]

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

[If anything it increases the urge to leave]

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well.

[oh my Arceus]

Using Arceus in place of God sounds ridiculous and has no basis in canon. It’s fine to just use “God”.

[He carefully wrapped it around the Girafarig’s body and lifted it. He was suddenly very glad for his life of lifting heavy bags of soil and flowerpots. While still an infant and a skinny one at that the Pokèmon felt like it was at least half of its grown up 91 pound weight. Despite the strain Casey lifted until he had a good grip on it. Then he opted to drape it across his shoulders. With one hand on its neck to steady it he made his way to where he’d left his bike. He managed to get it upright and with one hand on the handlebars kicked off.]

Inexpertly carrying an injured creature is more likely to injure it further. There’s a reason we carry people on stretchers. (And doing all this while biking one-handed is a surefire way to get into a horrible accident.) Is there a reason why he can’t use a pokeball to transport it or, failing that, call emergency services to pick up the girafarig for him?

Ellipses are always three dots, never more or less.

This is decent, and I like that something’s happening in the first chapter, but this still feels a little slow, especially in the beginning. It feels like you’re spending a bit too much time on incidental details – for example, is it really necessary to go over every single thing he’s getting from Baro when it’s all standard trainer gear, or can we just assume the starting trainer has the standard trainer gear? Casey himself also seems like a bland protagonist so far – he has the same simple motivation everyone in the setting has, and he’s the normal level of nice to people and upset when bad things happen. There’s not much here that seems compelling enough to want to spend a whole story with him. There seem to be a few implications there’s something more to Casey, but it might be better to make those clearer from the start – the first chapter is where people will decide whether to keep reading your story at all, remember.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13256684/1/Together-We-Are-Stronger

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13256530/1/The-Long-Journey

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

I guarantee you do not need a speech key. If basic actions aren’t obvious from context, something has gone more wrong than a key can fix.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[People and Pokémon]

You understand this is saying pokemon are not people?

I should not have to tell you sentences need to end in punctuation. Put more effort into this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13256409/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Spring-Autumn

[Liam, a TCK Pokemon trainer, starts his first day at Everspring International Pokemon Academy, a new school in a new country.]

Summaries should tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

[Liam was surprised; but jetlag seemed to have outweighed nervousness and left him dozing like a well-fed Snorlax.]

This is improper semicolon usage. As a general rule of thumb, you should be able to replace semicolons with periods and still have the resulting sentences make sense; for instance, what I’m doing here.

[the passengers side door]

I believe it’s just “passenger side door”, no plural.

[A shaggy Mightyena on a chain lounged in the shade cast by the guard shack, Beyond the gate]

It looks like you have a comma in place of a period here.

[“Yeah,” said Liam, “We moved here]

You’re generally formatting dialogue correctly, but this is a niche case: When breaking up a single sentence of dialogue with narration, the dialogue is formatted as a single sentence, as if it wasn’t interrupted. So that would be [“Yeah,” said Liam, “we moved here]. If you mean for this to be two separate sentences, like [Yeah. We moved here], you need to end the first sentence as you would normal dialogue, like [“Yeah,” said Liam. “We moved here]

[I can’t really remember Unova, even though it’s supposed to be my home country.”

Liam made scare quotes around the last two words.]

So the nice thing about text is that you can add the scare quotes yourself – they convey a certain tone when read, so it’s good to do so. Speaker actions should also be grouped with their dialogue on the same line.

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. So far, there’s no indication of what relevance this even has to Pokemon. It’s just a very superficial, bare-bones introduction to a few characters. It might be better to fuse this with your second chapter – the assembly presumably provides some exposition about the school and what’s going to happen during the semester, which is useful information to a prospective reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13256062/1/Love-That-Coordinator

Inane conversations in your author’s notes are really tedious and not as amusing as you think they are. Readers are here for the story, so get to that.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

Dragon Quill

Writing With Scales

[17] The Other Pokereviews, Part 148

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