[17] The Other Pokereviews, Part 155

A lot of stories that don’t go anywhere; a pokemon empath who appears to be going on a regular trainer journey; and an intriguing story about an oranguru who acts as the team’s trainer after their human dies.

Anime: 7

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13324029/1/Revolution

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

[When the machines came, the laboratory burned to the ground, the scientists and any devices that might’ve served his survival, with it.]

I don’t think you need that last comma.

[He had striked out at it]

You want “struck”.

[yet all they’d do was flinching and desperately trying to stand on broken limbs]

You want past tense rather than transitive for the verbs here, unless you want to restructure the sentence to match a transitive tense.

[they were somewhere closeby]

You want “close by”, two words.

[he’d have to seek out it’s kindren]

Typo.

[surrounding them both in a protective sphere..]

You have either one too many or one too few dots here.

[a pawful male creatures]

You appear to be missing an “of” here.

[“What are you doing here, beast?! Get out before I lose my temper!”, the man bellowed]

You don’t need that last comma. All punctuation goes inside dialogue.

This is good, and I like this Mewtwo. I’m not sure how relevant it is to Pokemon, though – the humans here don’t seem to have any pokemon and we don’t see any in the wild either, so this effectively appears to just be a regular post-apocalyptic story with a depowered Mewtwo.

You should also proofread to fix those errors I noticed; you have quite a lot of dropped or misspelled words. Your sentence constructions are also odd at times; they tend to be choppy and blunt, which is perhaps fitting for the tone but still a little confusing to read.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13335102/1/Guide-to-be-a-Gym-Leader-of-the-Regions

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

This is really insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. Even with a diegetic interface like this, your first chapter should contain meaningful content.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13335102/2/Guide-to-be-a-Gym-Leader-of-the-Regions

You should really be using a horizontal line or some marker to distinguish the chapter title from the text.

[Hehehe. Hiya! I was assigned this, so, I guess, um… here I am. Jeez. Start the fricking chapter already. First of all, there are 18 types you can choose from. If you wanna be special choose a Dark Type Gym. Don’t My Umbreon, Bisharp, and Honcrochow are hard enough to control.]

This is incoherent. I don’t understand why you chose to write this as an in-universe document if it’s just everyone talking over each other in a way that’s impossible to follow. If you want to write a wacky comedy about all the leaders arguing over how to write the book, this needs to be in prose or at least clearly marked so we can tell who’s saying what. You should also advertise this as a wacky comedy, because most people who write like this are doing it seriously.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13335047/1/A-Heated-Reunion

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced “ock”, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13335000/1/Lizzy-Blasting-Off

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13334988/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-A-New-Beginning

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.

[30 years after the events of Gold and Silver, a young boy named Damian visits the lab of the now 65 years old Profesor Elm to get a pokemon.]

Numbers are always spelled out with letters when they begin a sentence.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[he thought to himself panickly]

“Panicly” is not a word. I’d say such a descriptor is unnecessary, since it’s already obvious from context that he’s panicked. These sorts of redundant adverbs are things to avoid, as repetition and redundancy can actually dilute emotional impact.

You’re capitalizing “pokemon” inconsistently. You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[Damian wore a purple T shirt, a pair of blue trousers and a pair of sunglasses on his red hair.]

So, description is tricky to do in an engaging way. Notice how these sentences do absolutely nothing to advance the narrative; you’ve brought the story to a screeching halt to tell us these things, and you’re about to jerk us back into motion just as suddenly. These sorts of “start-stop” moments are things you should try to avoid. Understand that it may not be necessary to describe a character at all; you should adhere to conservation of detail, and only bring up details that will be important to the story.

[an old, blue haired woman]

Using anime hair colors in text is kinda weird. They’re a visual shorthand used to distinguish similar-looking characters in visual media; you can stick to real hair colors in text.

[The city has changed much over the years.]

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well.

That ended abruptly.

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. So far, this is just rehashing the game opening, an event we’re all familiar with, and it doesn’t even do that fully. Start where your plot starts; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event.

Also…

[But then he realizes that he’s able to talk to pokemon!]

I want you to think about the implications here.

The pokemon training system treats pokemon as if they are unintelligent animals. They are literally captured, owned, and given orders by humans. Their opinions and desires are never considered in this, and they never get credit or awards for any of the battles they participate in. If pokemon *are* indeed just unintelligent animals, this is fine. But if pokemon can talk, that means they’re people. If pokemon are people, the pokemon training system is slavery.

If you are only using this ability as a cute quirk and not to bring up the horrific injustice of the system, I strongly, strongly advise you to scrap this idea. It brings up far too many unfortunate implications, and makes the protagonist look like a monster if he continues treating pokemon as nonpeople.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13334919/1/Let-s-Go-Farfetch-d

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing the word “pokemon” itself. However, species names shouldn’t be capitalized either, for the same reasons.

This is cute. I like how quickly this is moving along, and how much personality you inject into the conversation even though it’s covering a sequence we’re already familiar with.

I’m unclear why Ash is tagged in the characters, though – is this going to be a fusion of game and anime canon?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13334884/1/Muddy-Buddy

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[just about every male in my family four the past five generations had served in the military]

Please don’t refer to people as “males” or “females”, it’s really creepy and dehumanizing. It’s much more natural to say “man” or “woman”.

[I was always horrible at guessing kids ages]

You need an apostrophe on “kids”.

So, is this backstory about her being in the military going to be relevant…? A lot of “reborn in another world” stories spend a lot of time explaining about the protagonist’s previous life only for it to never matter after the opening chapter. If the point of the story is going to be about what she does in the pokemon world, it’s better to start there and leave the details of her past life vague.

Perhaps relatedly, this is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. This has only just barely introduced the premise, with no indication of what the actual plot will be.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13334854/1/Eevee-Eradication

Blocked, previously encountered.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13334465/1/Deliah-and-Johnson-s-love-story

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

[(Horrible summery, I know)]

If you know it’s horrible, fix it.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. Start where your plot starts; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event.

I should not have to tell you that “I” is capitalized. This is riddled with errors and misspellings that most word processors should fix automatically. The degree of laziness you display here shows incredible rudeness and contempt towards your readers. Put a bare minimum of effort into this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13334360/1/The-only-exception

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

[Castelia city]

All parts of a name are capitalized, so this should be “Castelia City”.

[it a college with high demand entry that high school students dream of getting perfect scores to enter.]

You appear to have dropped some words here.

[he had blonde hair]

You want “blond”. “Blonde” is the feminine form.

[a short, blue haired girl]

Using anime hair colors in text is kinda weird. They’re a visual shorthand used to distinguish similar-looking characters in visual media; you can stick to real hair colors in text.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Ellipses are always three dots, never more or less.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13334036/1/A-Galactic-Alolan-Journey

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13333815/1/Wild-Combat-One-Shot-Collection

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

You initially describe the blaziken as “the blaziken”, but then start using “Blaziken” as its name. Since these are wild pokemon, I figure they’d either have their own names or not use names at all; it might be better to give them specific names, or just refer to them as “the [pokemon]” throughout.

[His sheer size and enormous amounts of muscle mass made him a living mountain of a pokemon, result from years and years of vigorous training and battling.]

Seems you may have dropped a word somewhere around “result”.

[The same years that had granted him the multiple battle scars littering his skin.]

This is a sentence fragment.

[unbeliavable speed]

Misspelled “unbelievable” here.

This is well-done, and I like the detailed description of the pokemons’ attacks. I feel like the battle is a bit repetitive, though; it’s mostly a Dragon Ball Z-style slugfest of the characters exchanging increasingly overpowered blows, with little in the way of tactical complexity. That’s the sort of thing that makes battles fun to read about; in a visual format, big flashy attacks can hold interest, but in text, it’s variety and cleverness that works best.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13333718/1/Fateful-Encounters-Stories-for-the-Millennium

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

[Welcome to Fateful Encounters. These stories dictate the adventures of certain pokemon around the worlds they live in, and how they surpassed the challenges.]

Summaries should tell us more than just the genre. Who are these pokemon? What are the worlds they live in? What are these “challenges”? What is this story ABOUT?

Non-story chapters are banned on this site. This should go above your first chapter in an author’s note.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13333568/1/Pokemon-The-Long-Road-Ahead-Kanto-Arc

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader. Also, a new speaker requires a new paragraph.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13333533/1/Ash-Reborn

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

Including author’s notes in the middle of a story is not a good idea. Stories run on immersion and suspension of disbelief; interrupting the story and pointing to the wires shatters that, much like an actor breaking character in a theater production.

A new speaker requires a new paragraph.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Well, that ended abruptly.

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13335926/1/Amber-the-Flareon

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13333513/1/mightier-than-the-sword

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13333390/1/Forgotten-Love

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13332865/1/Fearless-Wrath-of-an-Empire

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13332820/1/Sisterly-Love

Blocked, that dude who was charging commissions.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13332656/1/Ability-s-Child

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13332600/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-The-Series-Power-Force

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Why is all your dialogue italicized?

[Who’s That Pokémon? It creates pheromones that can attract literally female being in the world, even humans.]

This really doesn’t work outside of a show format.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13336236/1/Unrequited

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

[“Ugh!” He let out]

Dialogue rules remain constant regardless of punctuation, so this should be [“Ugh!” he let out].

[Flashback]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

[Nor were they hers]

Missing punctuation here and in the following sentences.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13332196/1/Samuel-and-Sandy-A-Samurott-Love-Story

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13332051/1/The-story-of-two-magikarps

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13336147/1/More-Than-Just-a-Pokemon

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing the word “pokemon” itself. However, species names shouldn’t be capitalized either, for the same reasons.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

[its frontal fur had a pale pink hue to it, it was that striking color combination of pink and purple that landed it in this cage to begin with.]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

[“You poor thing…a handsome boy like yourself shouldn’t be locked up in this cage.”]

So… this doesn’t sound as nice as you might have intended it to be. That the first thing she mentions is physical appearance is objectifying; it makes her look like she sees him only as a pretty bauble, and not a creature suffering.

Also… perhaps all the pokephilia porn here has just ruined me, but I can’t help but read this in the same tone creepy old men say “beautiful girl”. The diminutive “boy” combined with the incongruously sophisticated adjective “handsome” is the kind of language sexual predators use.

I could ignore all of this if Moon was as young as she is in canon, but you describe her as a “young woman”, which holds her to a higher standard of behavior.

[“I’ve never seen an Oranguru before,” the woman dragged on, “I’m afraid I just moved here.]

It’s important to keep track of dialogue sentences when you split them up like this. The narration has to follow the flow of the dialogue; that is to say, you should be able to remove it and still have the punctuation make sense. What she’s saying here is [I’ve never seen an Oranguru before, I’m afraid I just moved here.] Perhaps that’s what you meant to convey, but it sounds more like you meant her to say [I’ve never seen an Oranguru before. I’m afraid I just moved here,] in which case the narration should end with a period, since it ends the sentence.

You should probably have a scene break of some kind after the flashback. FFN eats most of the good ones, unfortunately.

Why doesn’t Oranguru have a name?

[One significantly smaller than the other.]

This is a sentence fragment.

[‘Patience, friends,’ he silently urged them.]

How is it silent if he’s talking?

Oh, you’re using single quotes to denote thoughts. That’s not very clear. Quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader. Most stories use italics.

[it had been quite some time since he’s had to use it]

Since the story is in past tense, that should be “he’d had to…” I believe.

[No surprise? he asked]

Missing punctuation here.

[And finally, the water type pokemon, Popplio.” the old man listed off.]

Punctuation error here.

This is an interesting premise. I like that the farmer family seem to be genuinely treating Oranguru as a person; it helps a lot with the elephant-in-the-room of literally owning intelligent pokemon if you show people making an effort to treat them well.

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