[25] The Other Pokereviews, Part 72

A weird story where pokemon lose their powers and are despised by the human populace for no conceivable reason; a well-written story from a pokemon’s perspective about how poaching is very wrong and totally different from training; and a decently-written Giratina character study that, unfortunately, tries to explain a particularly nonsensical game mechanic. It does not succeed.

The anime fic has not ended. The anime fic shall never end. If FFN wasn’t run by ghosts, I would seriously consider starting a letter-writing campaign.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12653093/1/The-Saviors

Chapters without story content are against the rules of this site, just so you know. You can put this in your author’s notes above your first chapter.

[so ill keep this small]

You should probably also avoid making errors in the first thing your readers will see.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12653093/2/The-Saviors

[Prologue / Chapter 1]

These terms are not synonymous. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/#164376286

[There were 4 different jobs]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You’re making a lot of errors in general. You should go here for help on grammar: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/21887406/1/Writing-Guide-Part-One-Grammar

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12653126/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Randomized

[Red sets out to begin her journey as a Pokémon Trainer, but the world is a little different than she thought it would be…]

Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[I guess it’s not all that unusual for people to have weird dreams that have no meaning; like your math teacher chasing you down in a clown costume, or your pet piloting your bike to work while you sit in the passenger’s seat.]

This is improper semicolon usage. As a general rule of thumb, you should be able to replace semicolons with periods and still have the resulting sentences make sense; for instance, what I’m doing here. A dash would be appropriate here.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. Start where your plot starts; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

Relatedly, do you have a plot for this? The standard badge quest is not a plot. If you’re just trying to novelize the game, you’re going to peter out. Read this for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/143219856/1/Actually-Writing-an-OT-Fic-Part-1

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12653133/1/Nobody-Will-Notice

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

[No matter what you did that day; if you chaperoned, helped the elderly, worked as a teacher, or worked a plain old factory job: you got paid.]

This is improper semicolon usage. As a general rule of thumb, you should be able to replace semicolons with periods and still have the resulting sentences make sense; for instance, what I’m doing here. A dash would be appropriate here.

[nearly all of the pokémon living today have few resemblances to their ancestors that battled eachother]

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well – unless this is a story being told by an in-universe narrator.

Also, you want “each other”, two words.

[the slight remain of psychic ability taking the form of a higher I.Q]

Something went wrong here.

[They manipulated their god, enslaved their race, all for reckless battles of gladiatorial combat.]

God, singular? There are quite a lot of poke-gods.

[Their primal instincts died out many, many years ago when people stopped working laborious jobs, automation was rediscovered, and people were able to take careers as engineers and scholars.]

The present-day pokeworld seems to already be a post-scarcity society, though. What exactly is your timeline here?

I also don’t understand the connection here – pokemon were clearly strong to begin with, since they exist in the wild without human intervention. Why would the end of battling – which should drastically increase the wild population – cause them to lose those powers? If anything, magic powers should have more evolutionary value in the wild than in captivity.

Furthermore, it seems mind-bogglingly cynical of you to assume nobody would care about pokemon once they stopped being useful. Real-life animals are far less interesting, and we already have entire fields of people dedicating their lives to conservation. The idea that people would just passively allow such wondrous creatures to go extinct seems absurd to me.

[At one point… he realized: it was an actual howl. The man reached into his side bag and whipped out a large knife, squatting and taking a stance.]

Okay so if pokemon are still dangerous enough that humans need to carry weapons to defend themselves, pokemon still have value. Literally the first quest of the game is getting a pokemon to defend yourself.

[First thing’s first]

You want “first things first”, no apostrophe.

[2 packs, 2 statics]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

[“I-I’m sorry. It’s just that… nobody’s ever talked to me. Not in a long time, at least.” She brought her good leg up to her chest and hugged it, resting her head on her knee. The man stomped toward her grabbing the back of her neck and jerking her head towards him.

“Keep your mouth shut. You’re lucky I’m not a sadist that enjoys the death of an animal.”]

What is wrong with these people? The vast majority of people have very strong emotional attachment to things trying to communicate with us, especially if we can understand them. The way you’re portraying this, this is either a society of sociopaths or there is some extremely deep, ingrained prejudice against pokemon you haven’t told us.

Well, that ended abruptly.

This is an unusual concept, but like I’ve said, it’s not at all clear how things got to this state. There seem to be a lot of assumptions present in this setting that you’re not telling us. Perhaps everything will make sense in the fullness of the story, but unless you are trying to make us disoriented, you should make your setting details clearer from the beginning.

You’re also badly abusing colons. I strongly recommend reading up on punctuation and syntax at websites such as Grammar Girl or Grammarly.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12653363/1/Pokemon-Chronicles-Red-and-Blue

[Another fanfic based upon the Pokemon Red and Blue games.]

Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[Charmander char! Char char. Mander char! (“Hello, trainer! You look nice. Take it easy on the tail, please”), said Red’s new Charmander.]

Writing both gibberish and translation just looks incredibly awkward. If it’s absolutely necessary, just write the translation with a different marker to show it’s in a different language. I really don’t recommend using talking pokemon at all, however, as it raises uncomfortable ethical questions about training – why are humans treating fully sapient beings like animals?

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced ook, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

So do you have a plot for this? The standard badge quest is not a plot. If you’re just trying to novelize the game, you’re going to peter out. Read this for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/143219856/1/Actually-Writing-an-OT-Fic-Part-1

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12653383/1/Fire-Ash

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12653512/1/Pokemon-Love-Triangle

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

[“Is there anything wrong with that?” questioned Ash.]

“Questioned” is what police do; it’s a synonym for “interrogated”, not “asked”.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12653569/1/Temperance-3-Advent-The-Story-Of-Delia-Ketchum

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12653736/1/DragonMon-The-Interesting-Adventure

[Emotions are such a powerful thing, with them you can love, cry, or even hate, but what happens when you lose them. Could something good happen? Would you be able to get them back? Maybe time will tell.]

Please make a more informative summary. Only giving the reader a vague, abstract summary open to many interpretations is very frustrating.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Also, a new speaker means a new paragraph. Not following this rule makes your story unreadable.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12653785/1/Charlies-pokemon-adventure-rewrite

Your title isn’t fully capitalized.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

This is riddled with errors, and is very hard to follow. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12653879/1/Lunar-Eclipse

[I can heard his voice]

Typo.

[ Elio would be disappointed in my if I didn’t]

And again. You should proofread more thoroughly.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

This reads more like a summary than a story. Selene is just telling us events, with little emotional engagement other than her nightmare at the beginning. That doesn’t make for a very compelling story. You should probably slow down and focus on the scenes that are important; you can skip over the ones that aren’t.

Relatedly, this is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. Your audience is already intimately familiar with the game’s opening. Start where your plot starts; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12653941/1/Ash-Ranch

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[his 6 years as a trainer]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12653944/1/Gardevoir-and-Sams-love

Missing apostrophe in your title.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Not using paragraphs makes me not want to read your story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12654348/1/Pika-Power

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12654732/1/Insanity-Pok%C3%A9mon-Creepypastas

[At the Pokémon Tower…]

This isn’t a comic book; you can establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

This really looks like you wanted to make a video, not a story. Understand the limitations of your medium instead of jamming a round peg into a square hole.

You may also be interested in these:

fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142665960/1/Haunted-Houses-Reality-Breakdowns-and-Creepypasta

fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142706317/1/#142706317

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12654785/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Senji-Chronicles

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or fair. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[That was all 3 years ago]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12654867/1/Tales-from-a-Nuzlocke-The-Difference

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[“I told you, the entire Magnemite line is weak to ground type.”]

…Except that they all have Levitate, so no, not unless you use Gravity. If you’re going to write a story based on a highly literal interpretation of the game mechanics, you can’t ignore half of them.

[Magnemites live within the magnetic and electrical fields that permeate their environments, effectively swimming through them as you do through spatial curves. These fields conduct well through the uniform, repeating structures of rock.]

No, they don’t. Rock is a terrible conductor.

This is another reason why this story is awkward: this particular type matchup does not make any sense on examination. Giratina is right, there is no logical distinction between “rock” and “ground”, that’s just a strange game convention that breaks down the more moves they add. Why can’t you hit a bird with a mud bomb? Why do they keep insisting sand (lots of little rocks) counts as “ground”? It’s a purely symbolic association – we say that electricity drains toward a “ground” in circuitry, but that doesn’t mean literal earth. If there was any logic to the game, steel would beat electricity and the ground type wouldn’t exist.

This is well-written, but the premise stands on shaky ground.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12653671/1/Hunt-or-be-Hunted

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

[There was a gothorita and two jigglypuff, but they paid no attention to him, too busy trying not to take a plunge themselves.]

Your mentioning these two draws my attention to how pokemon aren’t animals, and some should be able to bypass these dangers. Psychic-types can levitate, and jigglypuff seem to be able to float for at least limited distances.

[When Vix had first told Nova about them, he was skeptical. Pokémon being sent out of balls – pokéballs? Them fighting other pokémon under the trainer’s orders? And enjoying it? It had been way too farfetched. However, she had dragged him to where the forest ended, and he had no other choice but to believe.]

Hmm. This sounds like it could only be pre-canon. By the time of the games, humans seem to have invaded every natural area, and there is that just-so story in Canalave saying all pokemon know about humans, for what that’s worth. Maybe I’m just being cynical, but it doesn’t feel likely that there would still be untouched nature in the world of the games.

[The stinging in his ear sharply decreased when she let go]

As someone who has often been in this position, I can confidently tell you that letting go hurts even more. (Your body gets acclimated to constant sources of pain, so any physical change will feel worse.)

[Cooling winds caressed his face as they ran through the trees, avoiding roots and the pokémon they shared their home with.]

Mentioning other pokemon makes me wonder: what do they eat? The franchise’s most awkward question. You say the basculin drown bird pokemon, so this clearly isn’t a let’s-all-eat-berries-and-get-along environment.

[In a burst of energy heating up from the inside out, his physique morphed to give him lighter bones, puffed feathers, and a rugged beak. Nova spread out his newly formed wings, testing the muscles.]

Hm – this makes it sound like a physical transformation, but zorua don’t change types or gain moves like pokemon who use Transform, which implies it’s more like a trick of the light. (And it is called “Illusion”.) I suppose it’s open to interpretation, but I do feel like it should be meaningfully distinct from Transform in some way.

[He flapped and speed up]

Typo, I presume – that should be “sped up”.

[He flapped and speed up, nearly darting through the air until he caught up with Vix. “Hey, how can you be so into humans if you can’t even understand them?”]

Hm, this is also interesting. In canon, all pokemon seem to understand human speech, even wild ones, as they all know how to obey your commands. But perhaps you can handwave that as a feature of the pokeball.

[One of them was fatter with white whiskers covering his upper lip and chin, and other was a young but not that young female hiding her head in her hands.]

This makes me think – how does he know what male/female/old/young humans look like, if he’s seen them so infrequently? Humans can’t identify foxes as male or female on sight without lots of training and experience, after all.

[But I hope its quicker than that!]

Typo.

[Nova didn’t get a chance to process what was happening unit the shy human was splayed out on the ground]

And again. It looks like you need to proofread a bit better.

[Her higher yet rough voice identifying her as a female.]

This is a sentence fragment.

You do a good job of describing the pokemon – you don’t make it totally obvious, but your description is clear enough that I know what each of them are.

[Pokémon attacking humans? Humans freezing pokémon?]

Why would he find any of that unusual, if he’s never had any experience with humans before?

[“You’re mine, greninja.”A burst]

Missing space.

[Nova rounded on Vix, who’s nervousness]

You want “whose”. “Who’s” means “who is”.

[his body was incased in stone]

You want “encased”. “Incased” isn’t a word.

[He whirled his head around to see Vix walking away, back to her normal self.]

Why does she do this? Nova explained at the beginning of the scene why this is a terrible idea.

[“Yeah, you did tell me, and I listened. Because of that, that girl’s never going to see her pokémon again!”]

Also the pokemon has been kidnapped and is possibly dead, which strikes me as a more immediate concern. Why is the human her first priority?

This is generally well-written, though I felt you stumbled a bit when describing the humans and the battle. I like the amount of detail you’ve put into the world, though I will say I think you should question your assumptions – if these are truly wild pokemon who have never seen civilization before, their thoughts shouldn’t revolve around humans. Talking pokemon also raises dubious questions about the practice of training itself, especially after you’ve established that not all pokemon inherently enjoy battling like the propaganda says. If pokemon are fully sapient, why is it okay for humans to tear them from their families and treat them as pets? The greninja was probably lab-raised, alright, but Kate’s other pokemon must have been taken from the wild, where they had their own communities – how is that meaningfully different from what the poacher’s doing? You can see this thread for further discussion: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142476358/1/Pokemon-Intelligence

This has also been pretty slow so far – your summary references an event that hasn’t even happened yet. It would be nice to have a bit more plot to begin with.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12655402/1/Ambition-The-Efforts-of-a-High-Schooler

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12655495/1/The-Journey-Of-Ashera

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

[Smart!Aura!Fem!Ash]

Look, if you want to write about an OC, you can just write about an OC. You don’t need to insist your OC is wearing Ash as a suit, that’s just weird and frustrating to people who actually want to read about Ash.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12655562/1/A-Darkrai-Reincarnated

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[(Flashback) Alamos Town…]

This isn’t a comic book; you can establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

[“…”]

This is a visual art convention that doesn’t work in prose.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12655006/1/Pokemon-A-tale-of-tale-of-two-lovers-Part-1

Your title isn’t fully capitalized.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Not using paragraphs makes me not want to read your story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12656000/1/The-Pokemon-Master-Couple

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12654614/1/The-Balefront-Institute

[Not Houndours or Houndooms]

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon in general, but you did so here.

Centering text makes it difficult to read.

[For several generations, the only abnormal thing in the world have been ghost types, a rare breed of pokémon of an undead decent.]

I think you mean “descent”. Also, I’m not clear what you mean by “abnormal”. Is this set in the normal pokemon world? If so, ghost types shouldn’t be abnormal. Is this one of those stories where our Earth becomes the pokemon world, or something else?

[That such things have always been and will always be nothing more then smoke and mirror tricks achieved by use either psychic manipulation or combonations of other abilities and technologies]

Dropped a word here, and it’s “combinations”.

[The Cerris Sonta College was the sole source of all higher education in this part of the province that called it home, the smaller province at the tail end of the northern continent of Valeos, as far east as it could get, on a moderate patch of flatlands with large disconnected woodlands, cut off from the rest of the continent by a set of three jagged and deadly mountains.]

This is a run-on sentence. You lost track of the subject. Slow down and focus on what you’re trying to say.

[Picked for its location being fairly in the middle of the province making it easy for people to get too]

“To”. Too means also. You also need a comma after “province”. This many errors so early on is a sign that you need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

[It was a nasty rainy night almost four months when Alex had been assigned to go pick up after a few literal hellhounds. Not Houndours or Houndooms, but actual literal skinless demonic hellhounds with demonic fire for eyes that hunt for souls to feast upon. While Alex has easily contained all of them, it was the pack master of the hounds that gave Alex trouble and she had lost him. While tracking the pack master down again, she learned that the pack master had turned himself into a beast and taken to the sewers.]

I… what? So there are pokemon, but also there are completely different mythological creatures? What are you trying to do here?

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[The slightly short weavile sat there taking her break]

Uh… if your pokemon are acting exactly like humans, I’m not sure why you’re making them pokemon? It seems like you could write this story as an urban fantasy where everyone has animal traits and magic powers. I think you should look at this: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165030563/1/Original-Fiction

This is rather hard to follow in general. You jump around a lot with little transition between scenes, and throw around a lot of jargon I don’t understand.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12654646/1/Mosaic

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

[When the third took down now-Acting Champion Lance and got inducted into the Hall of Fame herself]

Yesssss. I am very pleased you’re using Leaf.

[Four reigning champions; three more inducted into the Hall of Fame; a handful of others gaining eight badges in just as much time, being watched as they prepared for the League. Criminal organizations had toppled in their wake. Legends had been calmed by their actions. All of them barely into their teens, if that.

‘The prodigy phenomenon’, they were sometimes called. It was as good a moniker as any.]

Hm… while the god-taming could certainly be surprising, I don’t think making the League as a child is unusual. Your rivals can all keep up with you, after all, and Alola in particular outright bars people past a certain age.

[Of course, that’s only going to last until the figure out]

Typo.

Oh, you’re including all the PCs! That’s a nice bit of inclusion… though I’m rather disappointed that so many of the girls end up playing second fiddle. I also find it strange that the reporters are so obsessed with Red and Blue. I know, I know, the original games are near and dear to all our hearts, but I don’t see an in-universe reason for it. Holding the record for a League circuit seems pretty unimpressive next to taming gods to me.

[On the other hand,” she waved one almost as if to demonstrate, “I really liked]

This is complicated, but when you break up dialogue with a non-speaking verb, you have to use different punctuation than commas. For a quick, minor action such as this, dashes outside the quotes are standard, like this: [On the other hand”–she waved one almost as if to demonstrate–”I really liked]

[“So you turned eleven last year,”]

Woah, this is that recent? These kids do not sound like kids at all. Eleven-year-olds shouldn’t be this composed and professional.

[Although not a member of the Hall of Fame himself, Brendan has obtained all eight badges from Hoenn’s League circuit. Champion May identifies him as her introduction to the life of a trainer, as well as a friend and friendly rival that challenged her “in the best way”.

Brendan currently continues to work under his father, studying pokémon habitats and distribution across the region.]

Ah, that’s a nice gender-flip. Usually it’s the girl who ends up doing research while the boy gets the championship.

The personalities are decently varied, but I still feel like the sections got very repetitive. All the questions are about training and the League, which are, quite frankly, pretty boring when you’re not playing the games yourself. Where are the god pokemon? Why don’t they ask questions about the cults? There are a few questions about Team Rocket but nothing about the plot of the other regions.

3 Comments

  1. CrazyEd says:
    This is improper semicolon usage.

    It’s also improper colon usage, no?

    Writing both gibberish and translation just looks incredibly awkward. If it’s absolutely necessary, just write the translation with a different marker to show it’s in a different language.

    I would also go and suggest that, if you actually want to have pokemon make vocalizations, you should do it how you’d do it for animals. “The charmander made a grumpy sounding noise” or something to that effect.

    As someone who has often been in this position, I can confidently tell you that letting go hurts even more.

    … You often have your ears bitten?




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    1. Not so much bitten, but pinched and grabbed, yes.




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  2. mcbender says:

    Pedant time!

     

    [“I told you, the entire Magnemite line is weak to ground type.”]

    …Except that they all have Levitate, so no, not unless you use Gravity. If you’re going to write a story based on a highly literal interpretation of the game mechanics, you can’t ignore half of them.

    They have never had Levitate in terms of actual game mechanics, and they’d probably be overpowered if they did. I know players/fans have complained about this because it contradicts how they’re depicted most of the time and doesn’t make a lot of sense, but they’ve never had it. (I wasn’t sure what the actual possibilities were off the top of my head so I checked bulbapedia: their abilities are Magnet Pull, Sturdy, and Analytic (hidden)). They can learn Magnet Rise, which is vaguely similar to Levitate in function but requires using a move.

    (You see the same problem with other pokemon in the games too, e.g. beedrill and dustox are usually shown airborne but can be hit with ground-type moves anyway.)

    Unless this fanfic author has specifically depicted them levitating in a way that would imply they had the ability, making this criticism in error is probably just going to make them ignore the rest of what you have to say (finding something “objectively wrong” is often all it takes for someone to dismiss everything a critic has to say even if everything else they’ve said is on point).




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