[17] The Other Pokereviews, Part 77

Mostly unremarkable OT fic, but there’s one fic with an actually realistic Japanese setting that looks like it may be decent.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12703381/1/Outer-Space-Pkmn-Adventure

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You shouldn’t need to list character bios; if the information is relevant, it should come up in the story.

[Title of something

*Thought*

‘Pokemon speech’

Author note or A/N

GAME TALKING

Text messages to character or Text messages from character

*something is happening or character is doing something*]

I guarantee you do not need this key. If basic actions aren’t obvious from context, you’re doing something wrong.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context.

[(A/N Yes it drives the Dawn and May mad if they don’t see each other everyday since they like just a neighborhood away)]

Including author’s notes in the middle of a story is always a terrible idea. Stories run on immersion and suspension of disbelief; interrupting the story and pointing to the wires shatters that, much like an actor breaking character in a theater production.

Not capitalizing “I” makes me not want to read your story. Try harder.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12703466/1/new-door-opens

Your title isn’t capitalized.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[Ash nodded, “Thank you, Prof. Oak!]

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[Route 1; hour later…]

This isn’t a video game; you can establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

[Please send OC, & they might be included in the story, tell in the comments what the 7th Pokemon will be]

SYOC fic is fraught with issues and obstacles. I don’t actually recommend doing it at all, but if you want to, you should read this thread to be aware of the most common pitfalls: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142912324/1/Stop-Asking-For-OCs

The second part is also review-baiting, which is against the rules of the site. Don’t do it.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12703541/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Darkest-Hour

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[Red Sugimori, son of Marcus Sugimori, is more than happy to compete in the Pokémon League again. However, this time, it’s different. He has been placed with three other Pokémon Trainers in a team of four. And they must all work together to win the League. If that wasn’t bad enough, a new threat is in place…]

And that new threat is…? Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

[Overflowing with pokemon of all different shapes and sizes.]

This is a sentence fragment.

[Every inch of fear was distinguished]

I don’t understand what you’re trying to say here. These errors make your story hard to understand. Are you not a native speaker? You need to work on your grammar more, and possibly get a beta reader to help you. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

[artic blue haired man]

Anime hair colors are very obviously not supposed to be literal, and drawing attention to them in a non-visual medium is incredibly awkward. Also, you want “arctic”. Spellcheck.

[The platinum blonde asked]

Using physical appearance for epithets tends to sound really awkward. I recommend rephrasing this. If the purpose is to obscure the speaker’s identity, it’s more effective to use extremely minimal description and just say things like “a voice said” and “the first voice continued”, etc. If the purpose is to help us recognize this is Cynthia, just say she’s Cynthia – everyone here is familiar with the character, there’s no need to introduce her slowly and mysteriously.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12703575/1/Mia

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12704047/1/Pokemon-Outback

[The main character is Gregory. It is a region based on Australia. Pokemon are based off native Pokemon in Australia.]

Okay, but what’s going to actually happen in the story? Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[“Are you ok?”]

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced ook, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

You’re formatting dialogue inconsistently. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[Eight, O, clock]

It’s “eight o’clock”, short for “eight of the clock”.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

So do you have a plot for this? The standard badge quest is not a plot. If you’re just trying to novelize the game, you’re going to peter out. Read this for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/143219856/1/Actually-Writing-an-OT-Fic-Part-1

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12703649/1/ELEMENT

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

[The painfully bright lights of Akihabara flash around her, cars zooming past as she walks down the street, loud cries of “ALL DOUJIN 50% OFF!” and “JAPAN POKEMON LEAGUE TICKETS HERE!” humming painfully in her ears, and large, elaborate signs for arcades and comic stores hang over her.]

The last clause feels a little off here – going with the pattern established in the last two clauses, the verb should be “hanging” rather than “hang”. The sentence is a bit bulky overall, but that’s fitting for conveying the sensory overload of a city.

[Right, f*cking, now!]

If you don’t want to write out swears you probably shouldn’t be including them at all. The censorship just looks really awkward.

[that blend together into a blob of nothing a person’s eyes after about five minutes of looking at them]

It sounds like a word went missing here.

[it’s a [I]pokemon[/I]]

Looks like you got a formatting error. FFN uses HTML, not BBC. You should preview your story before posting.

[“After working here for two years,” he sighs, as he scans her items, Atsuko squeaking at him and waving. “You just kind of accept the crazy ones…]

When narration interrupts one continuous sentence of dialogue, the whole thing is formatted as one sentence. So this should be [“After working here for two years,” he sighs, as he scans her items, Atsuko squeaking at him and waving, “you just kind of accept the crazy ones…]

[Mizuki nodded, and her feet itched to leave.]

The rest of the story is in present tense, so this should be as well.

[it’s wings]

Typo here.

[Atsuko’ squealing]

And here.

This is really well-written. The sentences tend to be very complex with a lot of clauses stacked together, but that keeps up a fast pace and helps convey how much is happening. I like how much detail you put into the pokemon interactions – it’s always more interesting when characters keep their pokemon out most of the time. You’ve done a good job of easing us into the setting and characters while hinting at more things to come.

Also, I’ve seen quite a few fics by awkward white dudes that try to be authentically Japanese and fail catastrophically, so it’s really nice to see one that actually gets it right.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12704448/1/Necromosa-one-shots

Script format is banned on this site, and for good reason. You’re an author, not a screenwriter.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You need spaces after punctuation.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12704579/1/Pokemon-fanfiction-Be-with-you

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

You don’t need to put “Pokemon fanfiction” in the title; the site already does that for you. Your title should, however, be fully capitalized.

[Be with you is a pokemon fanfiction about a relationship of trainers and partner pokemons.]

This could describe roughly half the fics in this category. Your summary should say what your story, uniquely, is about.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Non-story chapters are banned on this site. This information belongs in a forum post.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12704882/1/The-Mortal-Earth

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

[S.S. Cactus.White]

Looks like a space got eaten here. This happens with special formatting sometimes. You should always preview your story to catch things like this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12704420/1/Spectrophilia

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[sarcasm laced]

This should be hyphenated.

[There was a noticeable chill in the long hallway now. Ed could even see his own breath turning into fog. A sign that he sure wasn’t alone…]

Why exactly is a run-down house being chilly a sure sign of ghost activity? If it was warm just a moment ago (or if, say, this is taking place in the summer), you should specify that.

[“Hey! Hey hold on!” He called out]

Dialogue formatting remains constant regardless of punctuation, so this should be [“Hey! Hey hold on!” he called out].

[HOLY MOTHER OF ARCEUS!]

Using Arceus in place of God sounds ridiculous and has no basis in canon. “Mother of Arceus” is especially nonsensical, because Arceus doesn’t have a mother. “Mother of God” is a Christian-exclusive curse. It’s fine to just use “God”. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/162324520/1/Pokeworld-Religion

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12704942/1/From-Sinnoh-to-Johto

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[All I know is that I’m hungry.]

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well.

This seems needlessly grimdark. Real animals migrate naturally all the time, and given the meta nature of some of the pokemon listings, it’s reasonable to assume the Sinnoh pokemon were just always there in the HG/SS universe. Also, what, they’re not even feeding the pokemon they transport? And nobody objects to this? Even in our world we have laws against that sort of thing.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12704944/1/Wendy-s-Maids

This is incoherent. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

From what little I can understand, this doesn’t have anything to do with Pokemon. I strongly recommend publishing this as original fiction instead. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165030563/1/Original-Fiction

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12705255/1/The-raining-truth

Your title isn’t fully capitalized.

[Akala island]

All parts of a name are also capitalized, so this should be “Akala Island”.

[I know summary suck, but the story’s better than the summary]

Your readers will be the judge of that; saying this just sounds desperate. If you know the summary’s bad, fix it instead of apologizing; summaries are really not that hard. Just say what your story is about.

[The news lady popped up and ready to talk, not that Hau, Moon, Kuikui, Lillie and Burnet bothered to much though.]

What? This feels like I just got dropped in the middle of the scene. What news lady? Why are all these characters here?

You also want “too”, not “to”. “To” is a conjunction.

Okay, this is incoherent. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12705031/1/Sands-Of-Time

[Fallow Lillian on her first adventure as she sets out to find her perfect partner and sets her world to rights in the process.]

You want “follow”. “Fallow” means barren.

That’s a pretty vague summary. Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

[In the Kitchen]

This isn’t a video game; you can establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

This is full of punctuation errors that make the story hard to follow. Are you not a native speaker? I recommend reading up on sentence structure and getting a beta reader to help you. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12705333/1/Taking-Action

[Not just any kid can become a trainer. You have to show skill, instinct, knowledge, and preservation, and that’s only to the get the license.]

Actually, no, every canon shows that they will hand those things out to anyone. As it should be, because their entire world and economy revolves around training. This is like making a driver’s license as exclusive as a doctorate. Your world is not logically going to look anything like the games, and is probably going to be more boring since you’ve taken away the thing we care about from most of the population.

[They were a gift from his father, and Hill hated thinking about him. After his dad had left when he was eight, Hill had only seen the man a handful of times since. He would appear randomly maybe once every couple of years and never offered any explanation as to where he was. Hill couldn’t think of him without feeling angry. He remembered the loneliness his mom tried to hide, the quality of living she struggled to maintain with only her income, and Hill remembered how his dad would try to ignore it all whenever he would show back up. His dad would treat his family like a vacation destination. A place to visit occasionally where could forget his concerns and try to enjoy himself. His dad would act as if Hill and his mom only mattered when he paid attention to them, all other times they were secondary. Hill hated being treated like a nonbeing. He only entertained the man’s fantasies for his mother’s sake. That was probably the worst part, that she seemed so happy whenever that bastard showed up again. That Hill was alone in his hatred.]

That is a lot of backstory to dump on us right out of the gate. It might be a better idea to parcel this stuff out throughout the story so it has more room to breathe. Just saying he doesn’t want to take them because they remind him of his father and leaving it at that would, I think, be much more effective – it’s an unusual thing for a kid to think and therefore surprising, and leaves us intrigued about the details, piquing interest and making us invested in following the story to see the payoff.

Instead, this just bogs us down with a fairly generic headcanon that doesn’t offer much in the way of story potential, and therefore doesn’t serve much purpose except distracting us from the reason we’re here (the pokemon).

[Hill thought about all of this as he considered the inconspicuous white gloves. He didn’t want to give that asshole any satisfaction that Hill appreciated the gift, but he reminded himself of the reality. He would be an idiot to refuse any leg up, and he wouldn’t be the only one at risk out there. He swallowed his pride and tucked the gloves into a pocket. He could at least only use them when absolutely necessary.]

Also this is… kind of a weird thing to fixate on. Gloves are really not a big deal. He can always buy new ones if this upsets him so much. How is he even so certain he’ll run into his father enough for it to matter? He just said he sees his father less than once a year.

[Croux was unsurprised to find that Bea had beaten him to the meeting point.]

Woah, wait, did you just switch POVs? You should at least use a scene break to show something’s changed.

I’m also not sure why you’re changing the rivals’ names. It seems needlessly confusing.

[His own parents were rather chaste with their goodbye to him.]

I… really don’t think that’s a word you want to use here.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Also, a new speaker means a new paragraph. Not following this rule makes me not want to read your story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12706155/1/Pokemon-Champion-throughout-Generations-Book-1-Kanto

[Join Yuu, on his first Pokemon Journey. How will he face the challenges set before him? Gym Leaders, The Elite Four, the Champion of the Pokemon League, and most importantly, a notorious criminal organization. His faith in his Pokemon must be unwavering, if he wants to succeed.]

This summary could describe half the fics in this category. Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[Hello there!

Welcome, to the world of Pokemon! My name, is Prof. Oak! Also known, as the Pokemon Professor!

“…”

This world is inhabited, by creatures known as ‘Pokemon’! For some, Pokemon are pets. Others, use Pokemon for battling. Myself…I study Pokemon as a profession.

“…”

Firstly, what’s you name, my boy?

“…Yuu.”

Right! Yuu, this here is my grandson. His name, is Blue. I’m sure you two will become fine rivals in the future. Helping each other grow along the way!

“…”

Now then! Yuu, your very own Pokemon Legend, is about to unfold. A world of dreams and adventure with Pokemon awaits!

.

.

.

Are you ready?

– Yes

-No]

Why are you doing this. The opening is obviously not diegetic.

[“…”]

This is a visual art convention that doesn’t work in prose.

Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.

[“I’m your only son mom.” Yuu deadpanned]

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Also, you’re overusing uncommon speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever fancy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

Finally, when a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

[(and by extension me, so just bear with it)]

Including author’s notes in the middle of a story is always a terrible idea. Stories run on immersion and suspension of disbelief; interrupting the story and pointing to the wires shatters that, much like an actor breaking character in a theater production.

While you’ve done a good job of giving the characters personalities, I can’t really see where this story is going. Do you have a plot for this? The standard badge quest is not a plot. If you’re just trying to novelize the game, you’re going to peter out. Read this for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/143219856/1/Actually-Writing-an-OT-Fic-Part-1

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12708345/1/Dialogue-Practice

Eh… if this isn’t exactly a story, I feel like it shouldn’t be posted here, as the archive is meant to be for stories. You don’t need to post writing exercises.

You’ve made a few grammatical errors throughout this. If you’re looking to improve your grammar, there’s a helpful guide here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/21887406/1/Writing-Guide-Part-One-Grammar

Just replace the “ (d o t) “ with a “.”

2 Comments

  1. CrazyEd says:
    I am interested in that supposedly well done fic set in Japan, and will be commenting on it once I get the chance to finish it and form some thoughts on the subject. I really hope you’re right.

    Why are you doing this. The opening is obviously not diegetic.

    If you’re going to use the word “diegetic” in one of these reviews, you should probably explain what it means.




    0
  2. Septentrion says:

    It is a region based on Australia. Pokemon are based off native Pokemon in Australia.

    With this as a main selling point, I think they are just trying to write a story which is parallel to the games. Trying to make 8 new gym leaders interesting isn’t much of a story.

    There’s also the whole fakemon being hard to imagine in text.




    0

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Skip to toolbar