[20] The Other Pokereviews, Part 83

The Christmas fic has begun.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12752237/1/All-I-Want-for-Christmas-is-You

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[This is his first Christmas,” Jay emphasized.]

You’re overusing uncommon speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever fancy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12752440/1/Pok%C3%A9mon

Learn to troll properly.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12752459/1/A-Past-Renewed-Kanto-Arc

[What if you made a wish? A wish to make a difference in someone else’s life? Would you hope that it would come true? Well, one girl made a wish just like that and it did come true! But when she woke up the next day, she found herself in a whole new world!]

Please make a more informative summary. Only giving the reader a vague, abstract summary open to many interpretations is very frustrating. The in-story summary is better, but you could have conveyed at least some of that information here.

[Rogue: Alright everyone, here’s the first chapter for my first Pokemon story, A Past Renewed.

Lance: Did you seriously have to make Katie’s location in Florida? It’s blooming hot down there!

Rogue: Quit your whining Lance! Seriously? Don’t dragons living in volcanoes or something?

Lance: No, dragon-types don’t just live in volcanoes! Dragon-type Pokemon can be found anywhere! In fact, most of them start off as water-types.

Rogue: Okay so changing the subject . . .

?: RogueMustangMare does NOT own Pokemon! All characters and Pokemon are the property of their owners. The only thing RogueMustangMare owns is the idea behind this story and the OC characters.

Rogue: What the . . . where did you come from?]

This is not nearly as clever or amusing as you think it is. Just get to the point.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[his profile-average height]

Using hyphens without spaces in place of dashes is confusing. To avoid people thinking you’re hyphenating words, you should put spaces around the hyphen, or use a double dash.

You’re dropping some commas in your sentences. I’d recommend reading up on comma usage through some online resources.

[My shoulders slumped. Okay, I need to stop watching anime all together I told myself sternly, grabbing my food and met with the others at the counter.

“That had been close Lance. If it were not for Kira’s quick thinking, we would have been spotted.”

“I know, I made a miscalculation on my arrival,” I said tersely]

Wait, is this a different narrator? Switching POVs within the same chapter is incredibly confusing and, quite honestly, amateurish. Stories are much stronger when they consistently follow a single personality. This is all the more true when you’re writing in first-person, which makes it nigh-impossible to figure out who the current viewpoint character is at a glance. If you absolutely cannot provide all the information you need from a single viewpoint, use third-person omniscient instead. At the very least, add a scene transition so the reader knows something has changed. For more information, please look here: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/143126539/1/POV-and-You

[How in the name of Arceus can these people live outside in this God-awful heat?!]

Using Arceus in place of God sounds ridiculous and has no basis in canon. This is particularly bad with Lance, who explicitly belongs to a different religion. It’s fine to just use “God”. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/162324520/1/Pokeworld-Religion

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12752464/1/DNA-Dragon

[It’s a new beginning, three childhood friends, Mei, Kyohei and Hyuu are going to start their Pokémon journey from Aspertia city. Follow them on their new adventure and find out about the various Pokémon and battles that await them.]

Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

That first comma is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

However, all parts of a name are capitalized, so that should be “Aspertia City”.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[BTW, the three main characters are from the game, they are not OCs.]

The game PCs are blank slates, so the difference is academic. They are effectively OCs.

[a girl with long, brown hair, tied into two ponytails, shouted with all her might as she commanded her Pokémon to use its attack on her mom’s watchog. Watchog easily dodged it and defeated tepig by using take-down.]

That’s a very bare-bones description, and this is kind of confusing as a result. A lot happens in a battle; it should be fairly detailed. How did the watchog dodge so easily? Was the attack obviously telegraphed, or just too slow? You say it “defeated tepig by using take-down”, what does that look like? How did it go so quickly from dodging to attacking, is it so skilled and light on its feet it can do that in one fluid motion? What does the tepig look like afterward? If it went down after just one hit, that must have been a pretty brutal attack. A skilled tactician should take note of all these things; if this story is going to be about pokemon training, there should be an emphasis on them.

Similarly, you need more description in this opening scene. You don’t even explicitly say the mom is the other person talking. You need to describe who’s here and what’s going on around them, or else the story feels like disembodied spirits talking in a void.

[It’s been two months since you’ve got your first Pokémon.]

Just “you” is fine here.

[you know what mom]

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[*HIT!*]

This isn’t a comic book. Sound effects should be described in prose.

In general, what I said about the opening scene applies throughout all of this. This feels very bare-bones as a story; you’re just summarizing a list of events without much detail. Slow down, think about what’s going on in a given scene, think about what you want to say. I’d recommend getting a bit of practice just with descriptive writing: try sitting outdoors and just describing everything you see, hear, and feel. Incorporating some of those details into your writing will help create a more realized world. (Looking at the writing in published books will also help a lot here.)

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12752476/1/hot-sexy-lemon-smut-pussy-and-stuff

Trolling is supposed to be entertaining. Try harder.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12752491/1/Lunar-Ashes

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12752978/1/Gotta-Catch-The-Love

This was written by blog fan Hinebras, inspired by all those gardevoir romance fics.

[A gardevoir and a human trained together for a long time, fell in love and lived happily ever after, that is until a friend from the past comes by and opposing their relationship tries to stop this. Could they get through this or the fate of this forbidden love is to crash and burn?]

These two sentences feel breathless. You could probably split the first one at “happily ever after”, and the last one could use a comma after “through this”. You’re also missing an “is” in “or is the fate…”

Your other sentences tend to be wonky throughout this; you should probably look at an online grammar resource.

[“Hey, Amalie! Long time no see!” The gardevoir greeted.]

Errant punctuation here.

Good to see pokemon getting actual names.

[silvered-eyes]

You want “silver-eyed”.

[I just wanted him to be happy, and I knew he wouldn’t be by being in a couple with a pokemon, but he…]

Wait, I’m confused by this. She’s saying she knew he wouldn’t be happy by being with a pokemon.

[“Oh, that. So, he was getting really good with his psychic powers and, you know how pokemon have battles?”

“Well aware,” she said stating the obvious.

“Okay, a less popular sport among humans is for them to battle between themselves, just using their natural and trained talents.”

“Hm, yeah, I think I’ve heard about it. So, did Bobby fight like that?”

“I didn’t plan it, or something like that, it was just that I saw the poster of this tournament, so, it was the perfect chance for him to test his abilities and for me to show how good of a coach I am.”]

This is amusing, but a bit too forced – we don’t see any indication of human-fighting in canon, and it doesn’t make sense for it to coexist with pokemon battles. I think you should have gone with a full-on reversal where pokemon just train humans.

This is an amusing reversal, but I don’t think anyone not familiar with the subgenre is going to understand it – the dialogue is kinda forced, and sounds really preachy. If you’re familiar with Farla’s Unoriginality, she adapts scenes directly from the things she’s parodying for a “show don’t tell” approach, which I think would be stronger – characters don’t often stop to have morality play speeches in these stories, after all. I also feel like you’re trying to cram too much into this; it’s difficult to adequately address everything wrong with the setup in a single scene. This might have been better expressed as, like, one of those tumblr comics or something, more condensed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12752848/1/Lillie-s-Evolution

[This was made as I feel this is how the events should have gone in Sun/Moon]

Meta info like this belongs in your author’s note. The summary should say what the story is actually about.

[you who didn’t except my love]

You want “accept”. “Except” refers to an exception.

I’m… not clear what the point of this is? It just seems like a novelization of that scene in the game. The only change you make is making Lillie a trainer a little earlier, which is pretty minor. She becomes a trainer anyway by the end of the game, so this doesn’t feel particularly meaningful.

Your narration also feels quite dry. You’re just recounting events as they happen, without any detail or emotional attachment. I feel like I’m just reading a script. In most stories, the narrator should be involved with what’s happening.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12752954/1/old-friends-new-lives

[“Would have been a hell of a lot easier if we could just have her instead.”

“Oh no! What happened to her? Poor Mars,” I said with a sigh]

Looks like you’re missing a line break here.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12753125/1/the-day-the-moon-stopped-shining

You don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context.

[It was exactly 3 weeks ago.]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

[-Flashback-]

This isn’t a video game; you can establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

[Your needed here]

You want “you’re”. “Your” is the possessive.

[she tryed killing herself]

“tried”

Okay, so what was the point of this? This seems like random grimdark just for the sake of grimdark. The girl who stood down Lusamine and the ultra beasts doesn’t strike me as being this fragile.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12753152/1/Stuck-in-a-Rut

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[Little Root]

It’s “Littleroot”, one word.

[Arceus, what he wouldn’t give to just have a day of peace]

Using Arceus in place of God sounds ridiculous and has no basis in canon. It’s fine to just use “God”. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/162324520/1/Pokeworld-Religion

You’re formatting dialogue inconsistently. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12753211/1/Conqueror-The-Kanto-Conquest

[This will be an OP Ash, not the Ash from the anime.]

If you want to write about an OC, just write about an OC, don’t insist they’re wearing Ash’s skin as a suit.

[“Kay mom!”]

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one. “Kay” also needs an apostrophe before it, since it’s a contraction of “okay”.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12753228/1/Internet-Buddies

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or internet. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Your pokemon characters are functionally human, so I don’t see what this has to do with Pokemon. The only connection here seems to be aesthetic, and that can’t be conveyed through text. If it’s vitally important these humans be wearing pokemon fursuits, you should just draw a comic.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12753259/1/Discovering-the-Unknown

Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

[A bright day begins.]

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well?

[However, it would have been perfect had it not been punctured with an ominous feeling in the atmosphere, indicated by a deafening silence sharply contrasting the overall feel of an otherwise cheery day.]

This is a really confusing and overwrought sentence. This doesn’t contradict anything in “A bright day begins,” so there’s no need for the “however”, and you’re cramming too many details into this. Slow down and focus on what’s most important. The “ominous feeling” is also weird, as it’s a subjective trait. Who’s narrating this? Who feels the day is ominous, and why?

You have similar problems throughout this. I recommend getting a beta reader to help with your sentence composition. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

You also seem to be missing some line breaks. Preview your story before posting it.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12753275/1/Let-it-Snow

[Grovyle knew this]

That makes as much sense as you being named “Human”. Yes, I know the Mystery Dungeon games do this. Doesn’t change the fact that it’s ridiculous and confusing. Your characters deserve actual names.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12753305/1/The-Pokemon-Master-Couple

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12753463/1/Curse-of-the-Black

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[The clock struck midnight. The calm city of Nuvema was quiet as the tiny Pidove flew over the skies in search of food. It felt like a normal day like any other.

To three certain people, however,]

It looks like you have a missing line break here. This happens a few other times throughout the chapter; some paragraphs are separated by only one line rather than two.

[For he knew…I knew, that I would just be shaken awake by nightmares as bad as if caused by Darkrai himself. I hate it. I loathe it.]

So what, he was describing everything up to now in third person? I’m sorry, but that’s just so over-the-top I can’t help but laugh. It might be a better idea to describe how his life is horrible before going on about how horrible it is. Show, don’t tell.

[I hate you, Darkrai, for creating nightmares. I hate you, Arceus, for creating the world and therefore, me. I hate you, unknown Pokemon from Kalos, for creating death.]

It strikes me as really weird that an Unovan kid would be a believer in foreign religions. Not many Americans worship obscure Japanese deities, right? I discuss this more in this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/162324520/1/Pokeworld-Religion

[“Zorua…”, I whispered]

You don’t need that comma.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

So yeah, this is really melodramatic, even by the standards of what happened being genuinely traumatizing. I don’t like that he’s making the deaths all about him, and it makes his parents look terrible if they haven’t referred him to a therapist yet. And like, what, is he going to choose to be a trainer anyway? Why? Being a trainer isn’t mandatory. We see lots of professions that don’t involve pokemon battling. If he’s going to risk the lives of so many people, he better have a really good reason for it.

This is also far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. You’ve introduced the main character, but we still have no idea what the story is actually going to be about or where it’s going. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12753640/1/A-Pokemon-Trainer

You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.

[Mason has entered the Pokemon World following his death in his previous life. Now he wants nothing more than a nice life exploring the world and relaxing alongside his Pokemon and friends. Luckily, he has his wand with him.]

Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot? What is the significance of this “wand”? We need a bit more to go on.

[I am not one to leave Author’s Notes on the chapters, whether to bump my word count or to notify readers of events unless I feel it absolutely necessary, which is why I have devoted this “first chapter” as a comprehensive Author’s Note.]

That’s reasonable, but the rules of the site don’t allow this. You must put this inside your first chapter, or you’ll be at risk of a takedown.

[This story has no preplanned romances, but I am not against incorporating one. This romance may, or may not be straight, gay, slash, hetero, or what have you, but there will be no harem. No chance of it, not even the most infinitesimal possibility. I stress this because of how much I detest harems, and want it to be known immediately. In addition, the romance will not involve a Pokemon, and any suggestion from a reader about a sexual human-pokemon relationship will be deleted.]

Yikes, do you really get that much bad attention? I know there are people who only review to request fetishes, but I thought they stayed away from legitimate stories. Regardless, you can’t delete signed reviews here; if you want that level of control over comments, you’ll need to move to Archive of Our Own.

[This is an OC-centered story, but characters such as Ash, Misty, Brock, etc., will be involved in some form or another.]

I feel like if you’re including anime characters, you should file this under the anime world; even if you’re not adhering strictly to anime canon, the game characters are blank slates and thus effectively OCs anyway. People unfamiliar with the games probably won’t have an issue getting into this, but anime characters present an obstacle to those unfamiliar with the anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12753640/2/A-Pokemon-Trainer

[Mason waved his hand, brush it away and startling it into flying off.]

You seem to have some tense trouble here.

[Looking around where he woke up Mason saw green hills and small groves of trees.]

You need a comma before “Mason” here.

[“The Pokemon world… ” Mason observed, “at least I won’t be thrown into a war this time around.”]

This construction looks odd to me. Sounding it out, the second bit of dialogue sounds like a separate sentence.

[watching the different Pokemon graze, for a few minutes before getting up]

You don’t need the comma here.

[As walked over he continued to watch]

Dropped a word here.

[Pidgey rubbed it’s head]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

I’ll stop pointing out these errors, but know that they’re distracting. I really expect better of an English and creative writing major. Review your materials, proofread more thoroughly, and get a beta reader if you still need help.

[“Wizards… magic! That can’t–”]

He lives in a world with psychics and dragons. Why is magic so impossible?

You can add horizontal lines in the in-site editor; they look neater than a row of dashes.

[Horcruxes]

If this is a crossover, it belongs in crossovers.

[“Well then, would you like a nickname?” Pidgey nodded]

Why doesn’t the clearly sapient creature have its own name already?

[“That’s a Scizor. I’ve never seen such a small one before, but it’s been infected with Pokerus! It’s a contagious disease amongst Pokemon.”

Mason didn’t look over to Oak, his eyes not leaving the tiny Scizor, but he nodded. “It looks like a baby. Did someone try to evolve it right after hatching?”

“Possibly, and if that’s true then this Pokemon’s trainer was very irresponsible. Forced evolution is not something to be trifled with, especially with newborn Pokemon. And to add Pokerus on top of this…” Oak trailed off, and Mason could hear the concern clear in his voice.]

This is a nice detail, though I hope Oak and others try to do something about this problem.

Your battle is decently detailed, but this feels like it cuts off very abruptly. I still don’t know where you’re going with this, what the greater plot will look like, or what a Harry Potter character adds to the standard setting. The reader should have some idea of the story’s trajectory by the end of the first chapter. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12753744/1/The-Promise-We-Made

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

I guarantee you do not need a speech key. If basic actions aren’t obvious from context, you’re doing something wrong.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context.

[5 Years Ago]

This isn’t a video game; you can establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

You need to learn how to use commas.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Dragon Quill

Writing With Scales

[20] The Other Pokereviews, Part 83

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