[18] The Other Pokereviews, Part 104

Mostly boring stuff today, though a story I reviewed a while back did get reposted with some edits and additions that are nice.

Anime count: 3

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12910202/1/From-Debris

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

[The fire crackled for a moment, one of the men slowly shook his head.]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

[and backup hadn’t arrive yet]

Typo.

[He looks over at the bearded man]

The rest of the story is in past tense, but this is in present.

[He stammered “M-me sir?”]

Missing comma here.

[His hair was a dark blonde]

You want “blond”. “Blonde” is the feminine form.

[He scoffed before Thomas could reply looking back at Matthias.]

Missing comma here.

[“No, sir… I’m not an,” he paused, sighing a bit before he continued.]

You’re generally formatting dialogue correctly but this is a weird little rule – you know how you end dialogue with a period when the narration doesn’t describe how it’s said? You have to follow the same logic even for an interrupted sentence like this, though obviously you need to use different punctuation. A dash is typically used, though for an unhurried pause like this, an ellipses might be more accurate. So this could look like [“No, sir… I’m not an…” He paused, sighing a bit before he continued.]

[You could give less of a shit if the Klan […] rapes the women]

9_9 This is a really tedious trope and I’m sick of seeing it. Women can defend themselves. Women have fought in militias and armies since the dawn of history. This goes double in a modern setting where anyone can pick up a gun and do a lot of damage even without training, and it goes triple in a post-apocalyptic setting where it’s suicidally stupid not to use every person and resource at your disposal. Just because our modern society is weird about women soldiers does not mean it has to be a universal constant.

[it’s fluffy fur]

It’s/its mixup here.

[He stared off at the Thomas who was still comforting the creature]

Should that “the” be there?

This is well-written, but doesn’t feel very… Pokemonish. There are thousands of stories about grizzled soldiers fighting off supernatural monsters already. The unique aesthetic of Pokemon is the coexistence of humanity and monsters. But perhaps you are planning to go in that direction with the captured zorua.

I also feel like some passages are just a bit too wordy, like you felt obligated to fill space. While you should definitely avoid long passages of pure dialogue, it’s okay to not have a speech tag for everything. Some of the epithets also felt overused. When you are writing a story and refer to a character by a physical trait, occupation, age, or any other attribute, rather than that character’s name, you are bringing the reader’s attention to that particular attribute. That can be used quite effectively to help your reader to focus on key details with just a few words. However, if the fact that the character is “the brunette,” “the trainer,” “the older man,” etc. is not relevant to that moment in the story, this will only distract the reader from the purpose of the scene. You should probably also get a beta reader to catch those errors I pointed out.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12910413/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-The-Unusual-Journey

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[His past made him unstable which led to his Mom wanting him to wait until he was ready to finally get his starting Pokemon.]

The same reasoning applies here – titles such as “mom” and “dad” are only capitalized when they’re used like names, i.e. without articles.

This also needs a comma after “unstable”. You have a lot of dropped commas throughout this, and they make the story very hard to follow; I recommend reading up on sentence structure and getting a beta reader to help you.

[Richard is your average 16-year-old boy.]

[PokemonXTrainer story. Rated M for later chapters!]

Eeenh that age makes this a little squicky. I’ll talk about this more at the end of the review.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[Oh, I’m Richard by the way.]

This is a weird way for the narrator to talk unless they are literally telling the story to someone in-universe. It’s generally more immersive to keep a first-person narrator in their own head. In general though, first-person is pretty tricky to do well, and I’d recommend sticking to third-person if you’re just starting out. This thread has more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/143126539/1/POV-and-You

[I’ve been home alone for a while now.]

Uh, how is his mom not in trouble for child neglect? You can’t leave minors home alone.

[I’m 16 which means I’m six years late in grabbing my starter. I would’ve six years ago but heh-heh, things happen. Mom said I would be unstable after that and wanted me to wait until I knew I was ready and today’s that day.]

So I get that this is necessary because romance and presumably because you want him to be similar to you, but if you want to do that, it’s generally a better idea to start with an established trainer. We already know that ten-year-olds can handle the trials of a normal journey, so if the protagonist is even older, it’s hard to feel tension.

[Reason 1, of course, is because of me not having a pokemon, and number two, because I can speak to them. It sounds weird I know but it’s true. I can understand them.]

So why is he not horrified he lives in a culture that treats these talking, intelligent beings like property? You shouldn’t just add traits to make your protagonist special, you should think about their implications and how they would affect the setting and story.

You really don’t need to go through a shower routine in detail. Focus on information that’s important to the story.

[(Time skip: 10 minutes later)]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[“Wow that’s cool,” I said with a chuckle “So you’re a girl. You are cute like one” I said with a smile.]

By all accounts, first-form pokemon are equivalent to children. This is an incredibly creepy thing to say.

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. Start where your plot starts; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

So, the pokemonxtrainer thing. The standard trainer setup introduces oodles of consent issues here. Richard legally owns his pokemon. They are totally dependent on him for all needs: food, shelter, even emotional support. Depending on how you’re interpreting pokeballs, they may not even be able to run away if they don’t like him. Meaningful consent cannot exist in this situation. And if the love interest is going to be his starter, that means he is essentially raising a child to be his girlfriend, and I hope you can see how profoundly disturbing that is. The fact that Richard is, himself, underage is just icing on this disturbing cake. The whole thing makes me uncomfortable. If you want to make readers uncomfortable and creepy consent issues are exactly what you’re going for, then that’s okay! But judging from the tone and summary, that doesn’t seem to be the case.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12910424/1/Keeping-your-head-up

Blocked, previously reviewed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12910537/1/Believing-in-Yourself

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Previous story has a heckler review.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12910590/1/framed

I should not have to tell you that sentences need to end in punctuation. Put a bare minimum of effort into this.

Blocked after this, possibly at the advice of a heckler review.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12910607/1/The-Aura-Within

Blocked, previously encountered.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12910661/1/A-Spicy-Dish

This is very confusing and difficult to read. I recommend getting a beta reader to help you. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12910796/1/Opposites-Attract-Guzma-Love-Story

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Blocked after this, possibly at the advice of a heckler review.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12910806/1/Ash-s-Story-Prologue

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties, this thread has clearer instructions: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

[ He will be like no one ever ere are fan made regions]

Something went wrong with this sentence.

Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[Then a girl came behind has golden hair and red eyes. She wears a shirt with black and red stripes]

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12910842/1/The-Missing-One

I’m afraid that you’re making too many mistakes for me to follow the story easily, particularly in sentence structure. It really looks like you need a beta reader to help you write in English. They can be found here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

It may also be a good idea to look up online resources such as Grammar Girl.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12911110/1/Pokemon-Worlds-Collide-A-trip-gone-wrong

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Also, a new speaker means a new paragraph. Not doing this means following your story is too much work for me to continue.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12911160/1/Crimson

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties, this thread has clearer instructions: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

[Ash Ketchum is an intelligent silent boy with big dreams. Through a turn of events he ends up with a serious gastly as his starter.]

At a certain point, you really need to ask yourself why you’re so uncomfortable admitting you want to write about an OC that you have to staple Ash’s face over theirs. Just write about your OC. Trying to force this to hit the same beats as canon to justify it being Ash will just cheapen the changes you’ve made and make the entire thing more boring as you take what could be an original plotline and hammer it back into the same shape as always.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[(A/N I know almost all pokemon fanfics says pokemon dollars but I just see that as a waste of words like we don’t go around saying things like hey can I borrow ten animal dollars so I will just say dollars)]

Including author’s notes in the middle of a story is not a good idea. Stories run on immersion and suspension of disbelief; interrupting the story and pointing to the wires shatters that, much like an actor breaking character in a theater production.

[After 7 minutes]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

In general, this is very confusingly written and hard to follow.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12911326/1/Unbreakable

This is a mess. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12911333/1/Trials-Book-One-Inoita

Blocked, previously reviewed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12911477/1/Welcome-to-the-Insanity

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties, this thread has clearer instructions: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

[This is me trying to remake the anime, while keepng everyone in-character. There would be serious moments and funny moments. Ash won’t become a Gary Stu like in many other fanfics. There will be shipping, but not rght now.]

This can describe literally thousands of fics on this site. Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12911647/1/Pokemon-Hoenn-Region-Part-One-Rustboro-City

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Putting multiple chapters in the same document is against the rules of this site. Use the chaptering feature. Chapters also need to be longer than a single paragraph.

Not using paragraphs makes reading this too much effort for me to continue further.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12911691/1/Pokemon-Amber

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

[When The Kalos regions passes The Amber act. A law designed to draft underperforming children into The Pokemon league.]

These two sentences are fragments, and need to be joined with a comma. You also don’t need to capitalize “the”.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[So did the men.]

I’m not sure what this refers to, because you haven’t mentioned men. Do you mean the boys?

[The oldest smoked a cigarette: three others began chewing on gnarled stalked of sugarcane; another scratched insect bites around his missing toe.]

The last semicolon here is correct, but you should use one in place of the full colon as well.

[Three black men in overalls and tank tops crouched in the broad doorway in the chopper’s side peering down at the lake. The man in the center gently running his fingers through the feathers of a Talonflame perched on his shoulders.]

This needs two commas, one after “chopper’s side”, and one to replace the period; the second sentence is a fragment.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[hiding-the rifles safe within, the ancient, untrustworthy outboard motors still attached at the rear of each boat-and]

Using hyphens without spaces in place of dashes is confusing. To avoid people thinking you’re hyphenating words, you should put spaces around the hyphen, or use a double dash.

[and they proceeded slowly out across the bay, southward, the motors stinking, the low morning sun in the eastern sky stretched their shadows across the calm water.]

The last comma here is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition. You should read up on comma usage and sentence structure if this commonly gives you trouble, and maybe get a beta reader to help you.

[The border between Kalos and Unova a line seen only on maps-bisected the bay]

Kalos is France and Unova is New York. They can’t be adjacent. If you want to do a plot about smuggling across borders, it would be best to use Kanto and Johto, or make up your own neighboring regions. (Of particular interest is the fact that in real life, there is a valley on the Franco-German border that has historically been contested territory, making it a good setting for this.)

[The helicopter, as though God had been startled at his play, jerked upward into the sky and tore away northwestward, toward land.]

I like your continuity with this simile. It’s a clever writing technique.

This is interesting, and very dark. I feel like I still don’t have a very good idea of what’s going on, though perhaps that is reasonable for a prologue, and I see you did post this with another chapter attached.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12911702/1/Poke-Heroes-Communication

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[Other Pokemon joins them with an evil force is rising to break the Pokemon world.]

Some of the wording is strange here. Do you mean “Other pokemon join them when an evil force…”?

[He could see through the rain, was a Lucario sitting in front of a grave.]

I don’t understand what this is supposed to say.

[The blonde boy]

You want “blond”. “Blonde” is the feminine form.

[The boy looks back at his family who was in the living room.]

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well.

[The boy had a disguised look what his mother said.]

I think you meant “disgusted” here. Disguised means concealed.

[I know mom.]

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

[~Last night~]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

This is really confusing and hard to follow. I have trouble understanding what you’re trying to say at many points. You should get a beta reader to help you. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12912271/1/Mewtwo-s-Pok%C3%A9mon-Master-Journey

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

You shouldn’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[The Mewtwo formed a representation of himself – a gray, bipedal feline with a purple tail – in the darkness, and looked around to see who said that.]

I don’t understand what’s happening here.

[I’m trapped in glass! I-I’ll run out of air!]

How does he know this? He said earlier that he doesn’t know what glass is.

[His fear turned into a powerful force that began to radiate out of his head. It then surrounded his body in a blue aura. The moment he screamed out loud, he caused a bubble of blue light to surround him and expand, cracking the glass tube open.]

This probably isn’t necessary – Mewtwo actually has a high attack stat. Unless he is very emaciated, he should have the strength to break the glass.

In general, this is quite hard to follow. You don’t describe things very clearly, and it’s hard to understand what’s happening as a result. You may want to get a beta reader to help you. Mewtwo also seems OOC here – I can’t think of a reason why he wouldn’t be able to understand pokemon speech, and it’s rather disappointing to see him behaving exactly like a human right down to using pokeballs and backpacks. He should have no trouble carrying everything with telekinesis, as he did in the movie.

You should also separate your “To be continued” with a horizontal line; otherwise, it looks like part of the story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12912156/1/Another-Sky

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[Should I speak with phrases of deeper meaning, unexpected twist of the story, and characters acting like heroes?]

“Unexpected twist of the story” sounds strange here, and I’m not entirely sure what you mean. You should probably reword this.

[hope that someone would find it made more sense than I did… ..]

You’ve got some errant periods at the end here.

[completing their sluggish, movements that represented a drifter in the sea’s waves.]

That comma shouldn’t be there.

[most of the plants weren’t any taller than my wither.]

I’m not sure what you’re saying here. “Wither” is a verb.

[Each one was a bright green colour-however]

Using hyphens without spaces in place of dashes is confusing. To avoid people thinking you’re hyphenating words, you should put spaces around the hyphen, or use a double dash.

[The ground was moist; it likely rained last night. I was fine with that; I could easily absorb water from the soil through my paws. This in turn would give nutrients to my leaves.]

This is a nice detail. We don’t often think of how the more animal-like plant pokemon work. It’s nice to see speculation on how their needs and behavior would differ from other pokemon.

[My job was to lie here so I would and I couldn’t give up just because of the cold.]

This needs commas around “so I would”.

[Oxygen is also a bi-product of this process]

You want “by-product”. “Bi” means two.

[Just as the orange oval of the sun was completely covered by the horizon and the night has started I stood up.]

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well.

[as I stayed in one position really long, While]

Punctuation typo here.

[Even if my activity wasn’t very showy I felt tired, there were differences between sunbathing for relax and sunbathing for work.]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition. That should also be “relaxation”, I believe.

[Evolution was a sign that you are ready to live your own]

This strikes me as odd, because you seem to be portraying the pack as very communal. The modern model of adults moving out to create nuclear families is actually an outlier when compared across all of history, and it’s almost nonexistent in nature. I suppose different eeveelutions might require different habitats, but it seems like it would make more sense for them to live closely together.

[I hoped this night would be silent and peacefully]

You want “peaceful”. “Peacefully” is an adverb.

[It ended only thanks to pack leader who was strong, proud, and very annoying to me, flareon who found a free den for grumpy neighbour close to the stream which he immediately accepted since he was a vaporeon and gave water-type’s den to the pair. Happy ending but it was so late in the night that I had problems to wake up at morning to not lateness to my job on clearing, leader could be helpful, but could be also harsh.]

This is very hard to follow, as you’ve dropped a lot of articles.

[being leafeon I didn’t need to eat]

Well… pokemon are magic, so maybe, but the reason plants don’t need to eat is because they don’t move. (And if we go by canon, plant pokemon do eat pokebeans.) Movement and especially thought take huge amounts of energy, even more than can be provided for by photosynthesis. Plants also have massive surface area for maximum efficiency, while animals are necessarily compact. Even if every inch of your body was covered in leaves, you wouldn’t be able to get as much out of photosynthesis as a tree.

This looks interesting, and I like stuff that thinks about pokemon societies, but it’s very hard to understand what’s going on. I think it may be best if you stick to your native language for now, but you could also try getting a beta reader to help you. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12912180/1/Hunt-or-be-Hunted

Oh hey, I remember this!

Once again, I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

[Whose side was it on?”]

Errant quote mark here.

[He shouted out in shock as he carried swiftly out of the clearing.]

Missing word.

This continues to be very good, though I still have reservations about having zorua physically transform. I believe you added a bit at the end, which definitely improves the chapter. The chapter now has a full spectrum of rising and falling action, and I think the ending works great as a lead-in to the rest of the story – we know where we’re at, and where we’re going, but many things are still a tense mystery. Good job!

This is the story that took my advice for a revision. You can see in the reviews that Dragon’s Blaze has turned against them for this, because her crusade never had anything to do with actually helping authors.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12912326/1/A-Poke-Breeder-s-Assistant

You’re formatting dialogue inconsistently. In case you don’t know the full rules, it’s: Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[Now, that means she needs some…”assistance,” with that, so…”]

When you quote inside a quote, you use single quotes instead of double quotes; otherwise, the reader will be confused about where the dialogue ends. (If you quote inside a quote inside a quote, you go back to double quotes.)

[The gown, characteristic of her species, contained a C-cup bosom]

I will never understand why people think rating parts of women’s anatomy like they’re slabs of dead meat is sexy. And I know this is porn, but gardevoir pretty clearly do not have breasts in canon.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12912347/1/King-of-Hearts

Blocked, previously reviewed.

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