[18] The Other Pokereviews, Part 105

A “parody” about hey did you guys ever consider pokemon training is really dangerous???? and not much else.

Anime count: 5

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12912444/1/A-Separate-Peace

Blocked, don’t recognize them. I’m pretty sure they didn’t have me blocked the day before I started this, so hecklers likely contacted them through PM.

I’d like to note that as of this writing the story has absolutely no reviews, positive or otherwise, because Blaze’s crusade has never been about actually helping authors.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12913144/1/A-Carnival-in-Veilstone

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You should add a summary and character tags to the story so it’s easier for people to find it in searches. For instance, I don’t know what Ikarishipping is. However, there are likely already many stories about a given pairing; you should advertise what’s special about yours so it stands out of the crowd.

[The leaves were turning brown red and orange]

List items need commas after them. So this should be [The leaves were turning brown, red, and orange].

[Having just got into the city Dawn was nervous.]

This needs a comma after “city”. You make many similar errors throughout this, and they make your sentences hard to follow. You should read up on punctuation and sentence structure, and/or get a beta reader to help you.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[I haven’t seen her in 3 years.]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

[third person POV]

It’s really confusing to abruptly switch POVs like this. The story will be stronger if you can structure it so that we learn everything we need to from one perspective.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12912788/1/Night-Cello

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What is your story about?

[(Amphoras playing the cello inside Altaria’s home..)]

This kind of notation is script format, which is banned on this site, and as such this story is at risk for deletion. You should switch to consistent prose format.

Ellipses are always three dots, never more or less.

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced “ock”, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

This is very confusing, and I don’t see what it has to do with Pokemon. If you find yourself writing pokemon characters like humans, you should probably just write them as humans.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12912817/1/Last-Human

Blocked, previously reviewed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12912868/1/Alola-Amour-Naissant

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties, this thread has clearer instructions: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

I second all of Talarc’s points, as well.

Otherwise covered by Talarc.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12912884/1/It-Started-at-camp

Blocked, previously reviewed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12912979/1/Crossbreeds-Saga

Your summary should say what the story is actually about.

Trolling is supposed to be entertaining. Try harder.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12913352/1/Bryan-s-Story

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

[I may have had inspiration during writing this from The Subspace Emissary’s Worlds Conquest By: AuraChannelerChris]

Summaries should say what the story itself is about, as they’re what will encourage your readers to give your story a chance. Meta information like this is better placed in an author’s note.

Posting multiple chapters in the same document is against the rules of this site. You should use the chaptering feature. Chapters should also be longer than a few paragraphs.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

This is extremely confusing. You need to slow down and think about what you’re trying to say.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12913430/1/Softly-Spoken-Lies

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[“Hey, uh, mom, do you think I should really be going out there? At ten years old? Seems a bit pre-emptive, is all.”]

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

This is also a very weird thing for a ten-year-old to say. This is an entrenched value of their culture that nobody in the games every questions. This would be like a kid thinking it was weird for people to go to school or work for wages.

[saying “Let’s go!]

When a speech verb comes before dialogue, a comma is used to connect the two. So this should be [saying, “Let’s go!]

[Ha, you’re supposedly this gadgeteer genius]

TV Tropes references are best avoided. They’re immediately recognizable to those familiar, and unnatural-sounding to those who aren’t; in either case, they’re bad for immersion.

[His voice was deep and intimidating, even though, in reality, he was actually pretty approachable]

Missing punctuation here.

[He pointed at the back of the laboratory, which did indeed lack any Pokémon.

“You know how hard Pokémon are to obtain as well as anyone.”]

The dialogue should be part of the preceding paragraph, since it’s not spoken by a new speaker.

[“I wanna get a Pokémon! I wanna, I wanna!” as tears came from her eyes.]

This needs a verb somewhere. “She said as tears…” would work, for instance.

It seems rather entitled, or at least privileged, of Saffron to think she needs to get a pokemon this way. We encounter many trainers in the games who caught their starters on their own (think of all those bug catchers in the early routes) or bought them. The player characters are actually pretty special for getting a pokemon for free.

[Victoria lay on the couch]

This is confusing, because you haven’t given the mom’s name before this.

[But I can see why you to not see me for a year]

Something went wrong with this sentence.

How is her mom not in jail for neglect and/or abuse? Where are Child Protective Services?

[They can be very dangerous when you don’t have any of your own to fight them off.]

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well.

[Unfortunately, as soon as she stepped up on a single patch of grass, a Pokémon popped out.

It was a Poochyena. Poochyena was a Pokémon notorious for having an extremely short temper and sharp bite. As such, Saffron tried to make sure that she wouldn’t do anything that could piss it off.]

This narration sounds oddly detached from events. If we are meant to be in Saffron’s head, her emotional reactions should be shown in narration – I imagine she should be surprised at the pokemon’s sudden appearance, afraid for her safety, and too nervous to make such a clinical analysis of the situation. Even in parodies, it’s important to keep narration engaging – there is a difference between a dry delivery and a flat one.

[Not having anywhere to sleep, she sat behind the Pokémart and eventually nodded off.]

Why can’t she go to the pokemon center?

[She didn’t want to be taken to the hospital, since her lack of money meant that she couldn’t afford to go.]

What? Your profile says you’re British, you ought to know hospitals don’t need to cost money. Given pokemon centers are free in the games, it seems more than likely that they have free healthcare.

I get that this is meant to be a parody, but parodies have to comment on the actual work itself. If you have to purposefully misinterpret the setting and make up a bunch of your own rules, you’re not actually being clever. You’re not even the thousandth person to make the shocking observation that pokemon training should logically be super dangerous, but it was never a clever observation in the first place because this is obviously a case where we are meant to suspend our disbelief. The parody has itself become, to use a term you may recognize, a dead horse trope.

You also need to think about conservation of detail, which is particularly important in meta works such as parodies. The main point of this story appears to be focusing on how difficult it is to train pokemon without pokeballs, but it’s hard to pay attention to that when you’re filling the story with over-the-top slapstick where the universe just hates the protagonist for no reason.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12913610/1/Shattered-Prism-Lost-Hope

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12913686/1/The-Journey-Kanto

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[Pidgey and Spearow flew around a small town, landing in on open window on a two-story building, Cherrygrove School, that was very lively as it was the last day of summer school for aspiring eighteen year olds, who wanted their training license.]

This sentence isn’t quite a run-on, but it’s very unbalanced. Notice how many things are happening here – birds are flying, then they’re landing, then you switch to talking about the building, then you talk about the students in the building, then you mention this is to get a license. That’s a lot of information that happens very quickly! It might be better to space this out into multiple sentences so you can focus on the parts you want.

[Kade, surprised, looked up- his hazel eyes looking dark green in the sunlight.]

You want a comma there, not a dash. Dashes denote a longer pause, such as when separating independent clauses.

[The war started twenty years ago. The reason for it starting was growth. The government made laws that were better for the east than the west, which is what they classified themselves at the time.]

Hm. This is an interesting idea, but I’m not sure how well it matches up with what we know in canon. What kind of “better laws” are you picturing? Kanto is clearly much more developed than rural Johto, but I got the impression that was by choice more than external factors. Johto has many traditional buildings and communities, as well as a much heavier religious component than Kanto. It would be nice if we got more detail here to learn exactly what you’re picturing… but then, too much exposition at the beginning of the story can be off-putting. It might be better to briefly mention the existence of a war and reconciliation in narration, then slowly parcel out the details as they become relevant in the story.

[A girl around five foot six inches ran up to Kade. She had wavy brown hair with ombre highlights that lightened it up to a light brown-almost blonde tips. She had on a pink tank top with a light blue cardigan over it. She wore tight navy blue jeans with rips near the upper thigh, and brown sandals.]

Relatedly, opening the story with excessive physical description is also off-putting. Do you see how rushed and awkward this sounds? There’s no emotion to these descriptions, so the story feels like it’s being put on hold. (Giving height to the exact inch is also ironically more confusing, since people don’t often have an exact mental image for it. More general descriptors such as “tall” or “average height” are better. That also lets you compare the two and show how the narrator feels about it – does she tower over him, can they easily look each other in the eyes, is she taller than him but doesn’t draw attention to it?) Conveying description in an engaging way is tricky, but you should try to pair it with some emotional component – what reason does she have to be wearing these clothes? Is this her usual outfit, or is she wearing it for some special reason? That sort of thing. You can also space out description across the conversation, like talking about her clothes when she first speaks, then her hair when she responds next.

[“You are so funny,” she laughed.]

“Laughed” isn’t a speech verb, so these should be separate sentences.

[You have until next summer, right?” Kade questioned]

“Questioned” is what police do; it’s a synonym for “interrogated”, not “asked”.

[“SURPRISE!” A group of people shouted]

Dialogue formatting rules remain constant regardless of punctuation, so this should be [“SURPRISE!” a group of people shouted].

[They looked a lot a like in the face]

You want “alike”, one word.

[“The Johto Board of Pokemon Training wishes to….” Kade read ahead before speaking, taking a deep breath. “CONGRATULATE you on your performance and acceptance into the Pokemon Training World. In this letter you will find your official Pokemon Training License. We wish you luck in your endeavors!”]

Hmm… See, the thing is, we already know that ten-year-olds can handle the journey just fine. Unless you are changing journeys to be completely different from canon, there’s no tension here – obviously an adult should be able to breeze through any challenges a ten-year-old would encounter. If you want older characters, it’s fine to use established trainers. Kade goes on to say that he’s already been everywhere in Johto – why couldn’t he have gone on a journey here, and only decided to search for his dad now?

I also find making pokemon training an exclusive club to be disappointing. The neat thing about Pokemon is how anyone can pick up a pokemon and start training – it gives us great diversity in trainer types and motivations, and it means a story will run into pokemon more often. If only high school graduates can get pokemon, that rather limits what a trainer can be.

[Get your story straight, Dale]

I’m not sure what that has to do with anything. “Get your story straight” means you’re accusing someone of lying. Dale is just making a threat.

This looks promising, but so far not much out of the ordinary has happened, compared to other pokemon trainer fics. As I said, it might be better to start with Kade as an already-established trainer already on the road to Kanto, since that would allow us to get to the plot faster. I’d also like to know a bit more about what’s so important about his dad – if that’s going to be the major plot hook, we should end the first chapter with a bit more than just a vague cliffhanger about him. Who is Kade’s dad, and why does he want to find him?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12913736/1/Paint-Chips-and-Turpentine

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties, this thread has clearer instructions: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

Please make a summary that actually says what your story is about.

[Chapter One; wherein our young hero finally gets a Pokemon and meets a few new friends to share the tirbulations and trials of his adventurous trail ahead of his bright new future!]

You should use some formatting marker to make this distinct from the story body, or a horizontal line.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Generally, try harder.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12913932/1/Dawn-in-Alola

Blocked, previously reviewed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12914085/1/The-Pokemon-Master-Couple

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties, this thread has clearer instructions: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12914111/1/Go-away-St-Elmos-fire

lol

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12914490/1/To-be-the-best

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon. “Ultra beast” shouldn’t be either, though, for the same reasons.

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

[you usually expect it to be your alarm clock right?]

This needs a comma after “clock”.

[Go bother mom or something…]

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

[my screaming or the alarm or maybe even both, managed to get the attention of someone.]

The comma isn’t necessary here.

[Or take Mew. For the longest time, I thought he was just some naked embryo thing.]

You refer to Mew as “he” here, but use female pronouns later.

[the windows error sound]

“Windows” should be capitalized here, since it’s referring to the brand.

[I was tucked comfortably in my bed and our housecat was bothering me at all.]

I think you mean “wasn’t” here.

[Mew flew close and pinched my cheek, I was surprised she could do this with those tiny paws, Blaziken and Greninja both placed one hand on my left and right shoulder respectively.]

You need to separate this aside with something other than commas – dashes would work fine.

[Those white dots he has between every limp just look so surreal.]

I think you meant a different word than “limp” here.

[By the way, have you ever noticed how tiny the feet of Pheromosa and Guardevoir are?]

Actually, interesting note here, since you’re doing such a good job on the realistic pokemon descriptions: Gardevoir’s original art and sprites implies it does not have legs. No legs are visible in the official art even though they should be if you trace the line of the body, and in Gen V the “petals” of the “gown” spread out and move like the gardevoir is walking on them. It’s entirely possible that they were not originally intended to have legs, and this was added later when 3D models became necessary. Just an idea if you want to crank up the weirdness here.

[Both female (I assumed) pokémon]

Pheromosa are genderless and gardevoir have an equal gender ratio; Protagonist says she is an avid fan, so she should know this. Given Protagonist’s current state it is reasonable for her to automatically use female pronouns just because they look feminine, but it is weird of her to rationally think on this and assume anyway.

This is nicely engaging, and I love how much detail you’re putting into both events and the description of the pokemon. You’ve introduced some intriguing mysteries with the protagonist’s hair growth (combined with the needles in her arm, it sounds like she was in a coma) and the change in setting showing that she is in a different world, not just that the pokemon have come to hers. This is definitely interesting. You should proofread more thoroughly, though, or get a beta reader to help you, as you make a lot of grammatical errors that can be quite distracting.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12914493/1/Inconsiderate

[I have decided if and when I block someone, it will be because they crossed a line in my eyes. Some things are a little nitpicky. (Is that a word? I feel like it should be a word lol!) Those things I can always choose to ignore.]

That is reasonable and I wish more people had your perspective.

Just two more things: There is a feature you can use to make searching for your story easier. Find your story under “Manage Stories”, and in the dropdown menu that says “World: Any”, you can choose whether you want your story to be classified as anime, games, or manga. You should also separate your author notes with a horizontal line (you can find it in the in-site editor, not sure if it’s in the app), as otherwise they look like part of the story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12914692/1/Perfect-for-Him-Preciousmetalshipping

You’ve got coding errors. Preview your story before posting it.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12914713/1/Late-Nights

Blocked, don’t recognize them, no heckler reviews.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12914819/1/Eeveelution-Love-Tale-Second-Edition

Non-story chapters are banned on this site. Don’t post until you have story content. It would also be helpful if your summary told us more about the story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12915267/1/An-Unlikely-Pairing

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[talking about their either what they want to do with their days]

Looks like you have an extra “their” here.

You do a decent job of describing the attacks in the battle, but the battle is rather simplistic in structure. Mechanically exchanging attacks in a turn-based system makes sense as a simplification for the games, but you should think about making your battles more dynamic like in the anime – are there ways they can chain attacks, use the environment, or use their attacks in unusual ways?

This is cute, but I do have to agree that showing this entirely from the perspective of the trainer does dilute the effect a little. It depends on what you and the requester were going for, I suppose, but I do feel like “show, don’t tell” is a factor here – it would be nice if we could know for certain why they fell in love instead of just hearing humans’ speculation, for instance.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12915284/1/The-Espanyola

Once again, this belongs in the Anime world. It’s really annoying when people aren’t able to filter out fic from canons they’re unfamiliar with. Please be considerate and do this simple thing.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12915496/1/First-impressions

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12915710/1/Ash-s-Pikachu-Origin-Story

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties, this thread has clearer instructions: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12915729/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Journey

This is full of strange errors that make it very hard to follow. Are you not a native speaker? You should get a beta reader to help you. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12913512/1/A-Mew-Take-on-Ash-s-Johto-journey

Friendly reminder that I filter out anime fic, so if you don’t want my reviews it’s in both our best interests if you just label your fic properly.

This is Korrasami 88; apparently they unblocked me at some point. I don’t recall seeing this fic on first pass, so possibly they un-labelled it just to spite me?

One Comment

  1. Indiscretion says:

    [you ought to know hospitals don’t need to cost money]

    Not reading carefully, this threw me for a bit of a loop when I glanced over it. Damn, America sucks.




    0

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