[18] The Other Pokereviews, Part 111

A story about the original Tao dragon that’s sort of interesting but takes some of the more boring interpretations. Not much else of note.

Anime count: 5

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12947562/1/Team-Harmony

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

[A trainer and his Pokemon travel together to protect those they care about, along with the rest of his team.]

Summaries should tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[I’ll get to what it is in a second, but first, tell me. Are you a boy, or a girl? . . . . Ah, I’m just messin’ with ya!]

This joke has been done to death and then raised and beaten to death again so many times that it’s just tedious at this point, and it was never very funny to begin with. The game opening is very obviously done for the benefit of the player and not a thing that happens in-universe, so it makes no sense to bring this up unless you’re doing a meta story.

[Not looking where I was going, I tripped over an Eevee]

…Your protagonist gets the overused Sue pokemon by literally tripping over it? Seriously? This sends the message that there will be no tension in this story, because you’ve just shown that you will completely ignore stated canon and reasonable limitations to hand your protagonist whatever you feel like. You should include pokemon because they make for a good story, not just because you like them. There are plenty of legitimate reasons for why a protagonist could get an incredibly rare and valuable pokemon right out of the gate – reasons that could in and of themselves make for interesting openings and plot hooks. Think about what you’re doing.

And you proceed to do the thing where the pokemon is so totally wowed by your protagonist’s claims he’s a perfect saint that they’re willing to leave their entire life behind at the drop of a hat so they can be his sidekick. This sends the message that the pokemon in this story are going to be shallow cheerleaders with no motivations of their own and likely no roles beyond battling, and that, again, the protagonist is going to get whatever he wants.

[A few years later, me and Eevee]

And he didn’t even give her a name? Do you call your beloved dog “Dog”?

[Stepping across the border, be walked]

[so as to not be yelled at, a had to lie a bit]

Typos here.

[I looked older than I actually was, which was about eight years old.]

How would they be fooled by this? Do they not have birth records? Kids must lie about their age all the time.

[“I’m 10 right now, but I don’t have any parents.”]

Wait, that’s a really big deal. Why didn’t this come up while he was discussing his childhood? If he’s an orphan he has much bigger problems than just not having a pokemon. Who was taking care of him?

[“I want to help protect the Pokemon of our regions and to help people understand Pokemon better.”]

[“Thank you so very much, Eevee. I love you.” I really did. Over the last two years, I really have seen her as a sister more than anything.]

But he doesn’t consider his sister a person, apparently?

[especially with how fast Winter was coming]

Seasons aren’t capitalized.

This goes in an unusual direction towards the end, but it’s still a little insubstantial for a first chapter. We haven’t even gotten to the inciting event (I think?), so it’s not even possible to tell what the main plot is going to be about.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12947803/1/Professor-Oak-s-Journal-Electric-Mice-Pokemon-as-Pets

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[so get at least 2 or 3]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

There doesn’t seem to be much here. A lot of this is identical to the kind of advice people give for keeping real, mundane pets, but the interesting thing about pokemon is that they’re *not* regular animals. How do the fantastic elements enter into this?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12947951/1/Legend-Lucario

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

This is full of distracting errors. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

[She could be lying, Arceus knows]

Using Arceus in place of God sounds ridiculous and has no basis in canon. It’s fine to just use “God”.

This is an interesting concept. I like stories from the perspective of pokemon, and especially stories that engage with the cruelty of the trainer setup. It’s chilling to see the level of justified paranoia and desperation Fleetfoot is driven to just to ensure his own survival. If you are interested in this topic, the story “Another Verse” explores it as well.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12948327/1/Friendly-Fangs

Blocked, though someone is defending me in the reviews.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12948369/1/A-Series-of-Unexpected-Events

Blocked, previously encountered. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12948371/1/Roses-and-Fire

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic to avoid this problem. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Dialogue needs to be capitalized like any other sentence.

[To be continued…]

This is unnecessary in prose. It’s obvious when there are multiple chapters to a story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12948439/1/Fire-and-Ice-A-three-shot-on-Red

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

[I completed the pokedex, catching legendaries and even mewtwo, a Pokemon created by Team Rocket.]

if “Mewtwo” is the name of a singular entity, it should be capitalized. However, you wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[predictable and deadly, well thought out attacks that were delivered without a moment’s hesitation.]

Is this whole thing meant to be italicized?

It’s very interesting to see a story where Mew is the true terror – I don’t think I’ve ever seen a story that takes this interpretation. This chapter gets a little repetitive after a while, though, as the outcome of each match is the same – the pokemon tries to attack Mew and is effortlessly killed, repeat. I do like the varied tactics on display, but the chapter could have been compressed a bit. Perhaps multiple pokemon could have come out at once – no reason for them to follow the rules when Mew clearly isn’t.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12948440/1/Pokemon-Light-in-the-Darkness

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic to avoid this problem. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. This sort of thing would be fine as part of your first chapter, but it doesn’t stand on its own.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12948584/1/Almost-Maine

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

[Just people and Pokémon trying to find their path in a small town that doesn’t quite exist.]

So pokemon aren’t people?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[He squinted at his map yet couldn’t seem to identify where in Arceus’ name he was.]

Why is an Alolan, a member of the one region with canonical widespread pokemon worship, swearing by the forgotten deity of a dead religion from halfway across the globe? Legendaries other than Arceus exist. Use the religions that are actually appropriate to the characters.

Dialogue requires punctuation just like other sentences.

I have a hard time following what’s going on here.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12948714/1/Untamable-Pokemon-Retold

[A darker, more violent, more realistic retelling of Generation One of Pokemon.]

Darker and more violent does not automatically make something more realistic, and “realism” is a questionable ideal to shoot for in a story about magic animals shooting lasers at each other anyway. The Fun Police are not going to revoke your Very Serious Adult badge if you need to suspend your disbelief a little. It’s okay.

On top of that, summaries should tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

Non-story chapters are banned on this site. Author’s notes such as this should go in the same document as your chapters, separated by a horizontal line.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12948714/2/Untamable-Pokemon-Retold

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[The man screams out a command, unintelligible over the roars and yells, and Nidoking stomps the ground with maximum force. The earth rumbles a few seconds, then begins to shake and fracture. The spectators scream. Someone falls out their seat and hits the ground with a sickening snap of breaking legs.]

Safety engineers failing to account for the animal-shaped natural disasters that are a fundamental part of their culture, and people continuing to attend these events even knowing they result in maiming and death of spectators, is pretty much the opposite of realistic.

I like the description of the battle, but this is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. All this tells us is that… tournaments exist, which we already knew, but they’re DEADLY because it’s so realistic to throw incredibly valuable assets that require years of intense resource investment into the meat grinder for cheap entertainment. That doesn’t tell us what this story is actually going to be about. Who is the main character? What is the plot? Why should we care? The first chapter should answer these questions.

And, again on the “realistic” angle – realism means thinking about the big picture and the long term. Hyper-violent societies tend not to last very long, because killing everyone all the time for stupid reasons is not actually a good idea. If this society routinely kills pokemon for sport, you need to think about the implications of that. How did this become so normalized when humans are normally incredibly averse to killing? What benefit does society get from this that justifies the waste of resources this nidoking’s death represents?

There is also the ethical consideration that, y’know, this whole thing is perverse and any trainer who participates in it is a monster, which rather throws a wrench into this story if you’re planning to follow the normal plot of “pokemon training is super great and everyone should want to do it!!!” If this story is about anything other than liberating pokemon from this horrific system, it’s going to be a story where everyone is a completely unsympathetic sociopath, which is a) unrealistic and b) not something I want to read.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12948894/1/Pokemon-X-and-Y-Path-to-Power

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

[Ace and Lock are two boys who have been trained pokemon back home for years before they even turned 10, they lived in the Tandor region and have decided to embark on a new adventure in the region of Kalos where they’ll meet new friends and rivals]

Aside from the Tandor part, this could describe literally thousands of stories on this site. Summaries should tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

[My main two characters Ace and Lock are powerful, not OP but more powerful than most trainers.]

It’s a little worrying that you need to specify this before the story even begins. You should let this be apparent in the story itself.

[Two young boys were walking on the path through a peaceful and quiet park, the sky was clear and the sun was shining beautifully.]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

[The first boy has straight raven black hair and neon green eyes and wears a white and green t-shirt with an open hooded black vest with white outlines over the top of the undershirt, a black and green backpack on his right shoulder, he also has black and green fingerless gloves, and he has]

You’re overdoing this. Opening the story with excessive physical description is an instant turnoff. I understand why you think it’s important to establish basic information first, but readers don’t actually care about that as much as things like how the character acts and what they’re doing. Show don’t tell, etc. This early on, you should stick to information that is immediately relevant. More minor details can come after readers have gotten invested.

Also… neon green? Unless there is plot relevance to giving your characters cool stuff, maybe tone it down a little so they don’t look like total Mary Sues.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader. Also, a new speaker means a new paragraph.

Bolding attack names is distracting and unnecessary. This isn’t a video game, you don’t need to draw our attention to things so directly.

This becomes harder to follow the more I read. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12948972/1/Pokemon-White-The-Adventures-of-Dichole

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

[A story about Dichole the Pokemon Trainer and his journey through the Unova region. Based on my playthrough of Pokemon White version.]

Okay, the thing is, this can describe literally thousands of stories on this site. Novelizations are popular and general trainer fics even more so. The games don’t have much in the way of plot, even Black and White. In order to make a good novelization, you should think about what you’re going to add. What is your protagonist’s personal journey going to be about? Are you going to add new themes to the story, or explore certain aspects of the setting?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Script format is banned on this site. You need to switch to prose, or your story could be taken down at any time without warning.

[For example, I woke up this morning with a blue present sitting on my table. Apparently, the professor of the town dropped it off while I was sleeping. What a perv! Why on earth did my mom let her in my room while I was sleeping?!]

…Or she could have dropped it on the doorstep and his mom placed it in his room afterwards? If I recall correctly, the game opens with the PC already awake, so there is no reason to assume the package was always in their room.

[She could have seen my mozzarella stick! Luckily it was covered by my sheets, but still. She’s a old woman and I’m just a 14 year old guy. Who knows what she could have done.]

And wow, we’re done here. Real teenagers do not read sex into everything and everyone and it is incredibly creepy that you seem to think otherwise.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12948989/1/Pokemon-ark-of-the-legends

Trolling is supposed to be entertaining.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11181218/1/Whole

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

Using hyphens without spaces in place of dashes is confusing. To avoid people thinking you’re hyphenating words, you should put spaces around the hyphen, or use a double dash.

[They fascinated us -I.]

That should be “me”, not “I”, unless you’re purposefully going for oddness in the creature’s grammar.

[when they let their people with justice and fairness?]

I think you meant “led” here?

[and that’s they way it is]

Typo.

[No! That’s all wrong! We -I- are the dragon of balance! This is how our creator wants us to be! We are dishonoring the one who gave us life by following that line of thought!]

This is why I don’t like everything revolving around Arceus. This avoids tons of interesting metaphysical questions by robbing the dragon of agency. Why does it care so deeply about truth and ideals or the balance thereof? How does it even define these things? Are these inherent aspects of reality, if they are embodied by such a mysterious and godlike creature? How can that be so, when they are such abstract and philosophical concepts, surely things of human creation? Do pokemon have philosophers?

“It only cares because Daddy told it to” is pretty much the most boring possible answer to those questions. I care about the dragon; that’s why I’m reading this story. If I wanted to read yet another story about how Arceus is great and special and secretly responsible for everything I would read one of the hundreds upon hundreds of stories that are about that. Can we have one story about a god that gives the god its own agency? Just one? Please?

[You have no choice.

There’s always a choice.]

It seems weird for this to be the split and the unified perspectives respectively. It’s Reshiram and Zekrom who represent choice: they chose a side. If there is any perspective here arguing that there is no choice, it seems it should be the one who believes they do not need to choose between truth and ideals.

[flame and lightning untangling from their core of ice]

Hmm… Personally, I’m kind of more partial to the theory that Kyruem’s ice affinity is a bug and not a feature. Ice is death, emptiness, symbolically opposed to the positive energy of fire and lightning. Thematically, it seems to make more sense if “ice” is what was left over in the burned-out husk than something that was there from the beginning.

[“Don’t go!,” I begged.]

You don’t need the comma here. One punctuation mark is enough.

[The bird stopped in mid-flight, body engulfed in a block of ice. I cooed in happiness, rushing to curl around the frozen Pokémon. I had a friend! I was no longer alone!]

So is the idea here that Kyurem has totally lost it? I don’t see how it could have lived this long and not understand that things can’t survive being frozen solid.

[the settlement build up a barrier]

That should be “built”.

I really like stories like this – the legendaries fascinate me as eldritch gods, and the Tao dragons are particularly interesting for their psychological elements, and their backstory. I feel like you don’t go far enough, though. The dragon sounds too human and comprehensible in its motivations, behavior, and understanding of humanity; yet at the same time, the story is so vague and disconnected that it’s hard to get a sense of what really happened and what was most important. I think you could have delved deeper into what caused the split – it’s not just that two factions arose, it’s that those factions were specifically “truth” and “ideals”, which were somehow opposed. What do those terms mean, exactly? Why did the dragon care so much its very being split apart?

I also find the characterization of humanity as this pure an innocent race really discordant with the present day of the games, where they devised a whole system for subjugating pokemon – the plot of Black and White is about that, even. We don’t get details on the original war that split the dragon, but it’s rather interesting that the present-day war is between pokemon and humans. That is a conflict of significance, and the dragons should have an opinion on it. What does the God of Justice think of these beings who made pokemon build a barrier to protect humans while leaving the wild pokemon at the monster’s mercy, and then had the gall to tell everyone in earshot that it’s so great their relationship is so equal and nothing needs to change?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12949132/1/Windswept-Hair

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

[Hoenn. The beautiful island paradise with its white sand beaches and light blue seas. It also is the home of three teens that are starting their own Pokemon journey. But they’re not generic bland teenagers. This is real life, people.]

Which means…? Novelizations are incredibly common, and general trainer stories even moreso. The games don’t have much in the way of plot. In order to stand out from the crowd, you should think about what you’re going to add. What is your protagonist’s personal journey going to be about? Are you going to add new themes to the story, or explore certain aspects of the setting?

And I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon, though you did so here.

[his screams hurt my ears like Giratina’s wrath on Cyrus.]

How would Windy know about that? I doubt they recorded footage of that event.

This chapter feels very rushed and disconnected. You jump very quickly from one event to the next. You should try to slow down and give us details for important events so we have time to get emotionally invested in them. Your sentences also tend to be simple, and have somewhat repetitive structure. You should try experimenting with more complex sentences – try using imagery and similes, for instance. You can look to lots of published novels for good examples of how to do this.

Even aside from that, there isn’t much here. Everyone reading this is familiar with the opening of the games, and while it’s somewhat fun to play it’s not terribly interesting to read about. You’re giving hints that you’ll be including a new character and giving the protagonist a bit more personality, but you let those things take a backseat to going through the motions of the generic opening sequence. To draw readers in, you should lead with your best foot forward. What ideas do you have to make this story special? That should be the focus of your story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12949177/1/The-Tale-of-Coronet-College

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

[A humanised set of legendary Pokémon attend college together with all the wonderful teen drama and more included.]

“What if the characters you like were completely different characters with zero connection to their canon counterparts” is not a great premise for a story. If you want to write about college slice-of-life, just write about humans. If you want to work with gods-as-humans specifically, use gods that actually make sense for that, such as the Greek pantheon.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

And yeah, this has nothing to do with Pokemon. Slapping pokemon names over your OCs does not make them Pokemon characters.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12949234/1/A-Weekend-with-Mew-DX

Blocked, previously reviewed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12949350/1/The-Land-where-Ancients-Sleep

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

[all 8 gym badges]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

[Daniel comes across Team Magma and Team Aqua and dragged into their plans with one goal]

Dropped a word here.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[The source of the crazy weather were two ancient Pokémon.]

Slang terms like “crazy” are discordant with the serious tone you’re trying to convey here. This passage in general feels odd; you’re taking the tone of a grand, epic storyteller, but a big component of those sorts of stories are long, meandering passages. You’re using short, staccato sentences that rarely drift from a straightforward description of events. Try to slow down and embellish a bit more. Classical mythologies and many high fantasy novels provide great examples of this.

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. This is basically just informing us that the Weather trio will be in this story, which is already clear from the summary. Who is your main character? What is your plot about? Readers should know the answers to these questions by the end of the first chapter.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12949546/1/Pokemon-Black-and-White-The-Ideal-For-Unova

Blocked. Name is familiar but they have no stories with my review. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12949837/1/Pokemon-Tales-Red

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12949938/1/The-Summit

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12950184/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Orange

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[Its only me]

Typo.

[since dad went to the war]

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. This is a very short scene that introduces the main character but not much else. What is the central conflict? What is this story actually going to be about? The first chapter should give your reader an idea of what the rest of the story will be like.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12950229/1/The-Chase

Blocked, previously reviewed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12950511/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Cold-Flesh-and-Hot-Blood

Script format is banned on this site, and as such this story is at risk for deletion. You should switch to prose format.

I should not have to tell you that “I” is capitalized. Put a bare minimum of effort into this.

One Comment

  1. Ghost says:

    “The Fun Police are not going to revoke your Very Serious Adult badge if you need to suspend your disbelief a little. ” That is an amazing line and I’m totally gonna nick it.




    2

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