[18] The Other Pokereviews, Part 140

Some interesting speculation into Ghetsis’ backstory and motivations, and a game novelization that actually looks decent. Lots of tiny first chapters that go nowhere, otherwise.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13112526/1/Friends-to-Lovers

Blocked, previously encountered.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13112800/1/A-to-Z

There’s a feature to label stories in franchises with multiple continuities, such as Pokemon, which helps people search for the stories they want to find. You can find it by selecting your story in “Manage Stories” and selecting something from the dropdown menu labeled “World”. Since this is set in anime continuity, you should select Anime so people searching for anime fic can find it.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13112842/1/Wanderer-of-End

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[The Legends all looked at him with their utmost attention.]

I’m not too fond of using the term “legendaries” or variants in fic. It’s very much a fandom term, as it’s a shorthand for the canon term “legendary pokemon”. It’s also much too general given the actual range of power of legendaries. Legendaries like latios seem to be merely rare beasts, while legendaries like Kyogre are gods.

Additionally, Arceus is genderless. Making it male is sexist and reinforces the harmful idea that male is the default.

[Across the horizon, a blue hue covered everything. Water. Infinite water. If it was stared at for too long, sensory deprivation could settle in easily.

Wait! No, there was not even such a thing as “eyes” yet. There couldn’t be sensory deprivation.

In fact, there was not anything.

No, that was not accurate either.]

This kind of second-guessing narration severely undercuts the tone. This works to convey a rambling, fallible narrator, but doesn’t make much sense for a grand god. If Arceus was there, it should be perfectly capable of describing things in accurate terms.

Saying everything was water is also strange, given that’s Kyogre’s domain. Even if we just use the Sinnoh myths, space itself didn’t exist until Palkia made it.

[It was a perfect hand. The first word that came to mind of its description was purity. It has four long fingers, led by a powerful thumb.]

That’s only a perfect hand by human standards, and we are the anomaly in the animal kingdom. To a bird, three fingers and a talon would be the perfect hand, for instance, and an ungulate’s “hand” has no digits at all.

[It was… the hand of god!]

When referring to the Judeo-Christian one, “God” is capitalized. If that’s not what you meant to say, you need to put an article in front of “god”, because only the Judeo-Christian God is referred to like this.

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. All this chapter says is that something almost happened, but didn’t. That’s not a very interesting start to a story. I don’t know what’s going on or what the significance of this is supposed to be.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13113066/1/Ash-uses-Rage

Blocked, Paradoxicle.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13113081/1/Going-with-the-Flow

Blocked, previously encountered.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13113163/1/Sun-and-Moon-A-New-Story

Blocked, previously reviewed an original fiction story calling it out as such. The story got no other reviews, but led to a whiny profile message about how evil it was I tell people they can’t post stories that break the site rules here. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13113233/1/Nostalgia-and-Roundabouts

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

[Stand-alone story using primarily OC Characters. Starts off in Kanto, as Kerry takes on the gym circuit and finds herself as she finds her team. Along the way she faces challenges, opponents, strife, heartbreak and most importantly teamwork. I hope you enjoy.]

Summaries should tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym. Or birthday.

[Imagine the legends of Red, Gold, Lucas.. But go back a bit..]

Ellipses are always three dots, never more or less.

[If I could go back, to this moment, I would.]

The first comma isn’t necessary here.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[Morning mom]

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

Well, that ended abruptly. This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. Start where your plot starts; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event.

Relatedly, do you have a plot for this? The standard badge quest is not a plot. If you’re just trying to novelize the game, you’re going to peter out. That’s not an indictment of your skill, that’s simple fact backed up by years of data on these sorts of stories. The games don’t really have a plot, if we’re being honest. You should think about what kind of unique spin you want to take on this, and advertise it early on so people can get hooked.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13113482/1/Pokemon-The-Black-Heart-Theory

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Also, a new speaker requires a new paragraph. Not doing this makes following your dialogue too much work to keep reading.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13113589/1/My-World-to-Your-World

Blocked, previously reviewed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13113809/1/The-Final-Testament-of-Ghetsis-Harmonia

[Only my singing would sooth it]

Should that be “soothe”?

[the girl-women who sat bored and bleary as they watched their mother’s laundry]

I think that should be “mothers'”, since the subject referred to is plural.

This is really interesting. It always disappointed me how trite and shallow Ghetsis was as a villain when N was so nuanced, such a boring capstone to that whole plot. I don’t think I’ve seen many people really engage with that and try to give him more depth. The idea that he’s religiously motivated works really well, and kind of makes him a foil to N, more than the PC is.

That said, a lot of this still seems really unclear to me. What exactly is his end goal? Does he really believe what he said about sundering the world to bring it back together, or is the ending where he says he just wanted to destroy it out of spite the real deal? I feel like some important details were skipped – everything surrounding the beginning of Team Plasma is really vague, and he seems to jump very quickly from nurturing N to hating him and calling him a freak.

The writing throughout this is superb, though. I love the mythology and his accounts of the supernatural, and his descent into madness at the end is very well-done.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13113872/1/The-Journey-Revamped

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

[What if Ash had not gotten Pikachu at the start, but had to catch a different Pokémon? A legendary one?(Not Mew). How would his journey fare?]

So, that doesn’t actually change as much as you think.

This is a story, not a video game or a movie. That means the characters’ personalities and motivations matter way more than what interchangeable powers and tokens they happen to have. From what little I’ve seen of the anime, the reason Pikachu worked as a partner wasn’t because of his powerset, but because of his personality. Pickachu is willful and opinionated, clashes with Ash over lots of situations, can’t just be conveniently stuck in a pokeball, and his adventurous behavior gets him into lots of mishaps that drive the plot of several episodes. And even within his powerset, the fact that he couldn’t do everything forced Ash to strategize and try different things in different battles, again varying the kinds of plots we see. That’s the kind of thing that makes a story work. If Pikachu was just a robot with an “Ash wins” button strapped to him, the anime wouldn’t be interesting. There’s more to stories than fighting and having the most things.

You can certainly make a successful story about a protagonist having a very powerful tool (see Mob Psycho and One Punch Man), but it’s a lot harder to make the story remain engaging. You should ask yourself why you’re really doing this and what you want it to add.

Beyond that, I haven’t seen the anime past like the first two episodes, so I can’t actually comment on any plot content. You say this is going to include “certain aspects of the game”, but if you’re using the anime characters I’d still argue this is primarily an anime fic and you should label it as such.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[Ok, maybe a bit more than that.]

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced “ock”, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13114128/1/Pokemon-Untold

Blocked, new user.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13114172/1/a-Buneary-s-heart

Blocked, new user. Says they want criticism.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13114381/1/to-catch-a-human

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

I guarantee you do not need a speech key. If basic actions aren’t obvious from context, something has gone more wrong than a key can fix.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

Not using paragraphs makes me not want to read your story. Put a bare minimum of effort into this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13114496/1/Never-Gave-Up

Blocked, previously reviewed. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13114632/1/A-Trainer-s-Tale-Chapter-1-Sentenced

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13114735/1/Pok%C3%A9rus-REVAMPED

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[He supposed that Kalos had been the one to do it. That time, they’d gone to see the professor. Guy looked like he’d be better on a runway than a lab from the way he did his hair.]

This is hilarious. Oh, Kalos.

[The word brought a palpable distaste to his tongue.]

Isn’t it two words, though? Might be better to say “The name…”

[the three Hoenn starter Pokémon that was supposed to be available to him]

That should be “were supposed to…”, to match the plural subject.

I have to say it’s a little strange to hear a Johtoan dismissing Hoenn as technologically backwards. Johto is pretty clearly the most rural and backwards region in the games, with its few technological centers being described as “developing”. Hoenn seems to be much more balanced by contrast, with an established science station and multiple big cities. Maybe the point is to characterize him as an urban snob and he’ll discover he’s wrong, but even still, Olivine isn’t what I’d call technologically advanced – modern cities do not hold up a single lighthouse as their greatest achievement.

[He expected to see Mom’s face first thing but frowned deeply upon seeing the Machamp staring into the van mindlessly, waiting for him to make a move. Good lord, they couldn’t even spare humans to do the moving in part? How savage was this place?]

Machop laborers are a staple throughout all the regions. I can’t remember if they feature anywhere in Johto specifically, but Sinnoh and Alola feature them frequently.

[“Hey, mom?” he called]

You’re generally good at capitalizing “Mom”, but you missed this one.

[He tried to imagine himself leaning casually against the headboard of his bed, his pillows haphazardly stacked up against it so that his back had somewhere comfortable to rest as he beamed his PokéGear’s screen onto his TV.]

Ahahaha, I did the same thing when I was his age. That kid’s gonna need to see a chiropractor.

[creating circumstance after circumstance that threatens not only to ruin her stakeout]

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well.

This is very cute! Your characters have a lot of personality, and you manage to add a lot of fun description and events even to this simple opening. I like that you’re establishing East and West as having very distinct outlooks and personalities – in particular, I think it’s rare to see a girl being the logical, socially awkward one, so that’s a nice touch.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13114823/1/Overkill

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13114961/1/A-New-Ash-Ketchum

Blocked, previously reviewed. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13115096/1/The-Black-Angel

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13115136/1/Pokemon-The-Big-Reveal

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13115166/1/The-Eeveeloution-Sisters

Script format is banned on this site, and as such this story is at risk for deletion. You should switch to prose format.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

This has nothing to do with Pokemon. If you want to write about people in pokemon fursuits, that’s a visual trope and you should use a visual medium, such as comics, for that.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13115224/1/What-Dwells-Inside-An-Eeveelution-Story

Blocked, new user.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13115231/1/School-is-good-for-you

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

[The normally dull and boring school for Leafeon]

Think about how silly this sounds. You’re not named “Human”. Your pokemon characters deserve actual names. Yes, I know the Mystery Dungeon games do this. Doesn’t change the fact that it’s silly and confusing.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon, however.

Web documents don’t allow indents, so you should double space between paragraphs (like I’m doing here) for clarity.

You don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context.

This has nothing to do with Pokemon. If you want to write about humans in pokemon fursuits, that’s a visual trope and you should use a visual medium, such as comics, for that.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13115537/1/Future-Meets-Past

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

[WARNING THIS IS A REWRITE]

Why does that require a warning…?

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

You don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[I think we’re ok for now Mira]

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced “ock”, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13115552/1/Sugary-Starlight

Blocked, previously reviewed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13115832/1/Beginning-of-the-End

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[Edgar Allan Poe]

When making a quote attribution, you need a dash before the name. The attribution is typically on a new line, as well.

You’re bouncing between past and present tense, which is extremely jarring and disorienting. You need to pick a tense and stick with it.

[The second person was about 5ft 9in]

If a height is given to the exact inch, that’s not “about”. More generally, it’s actually not a good idea to describe things in terms of exact measurements, as most people don’t have an immediate reference point for what they look like. “Of average height” and “taller than the first” are fine descriptions, and give you opportunity to embellish them with additional flourishes and details too.

[The taller of the two did though. He looked to be about 17. His hair was black not too short but not too long either. His skin was a medium tan and he looked like he was slightly overweight. His eyes were brown, and he wore black plastic glasses.]

So, description is tricky to do in an engaging way. Notice how these sentences do absolutely nothing to advance the narrative; you’ve brought the story to a screeching halt to tell us these things, and you’re going to jerk us back into motion just as suddenly in the next paragraph. These sorts of “start-stop” moments are things you should try to avoid. Though it’s difficult, you should try to incorporate description into an action, or wrap it in imagery that’s thematically relevant to the character or scene. Give it layers, basically.

Generally, this is a problem I see throughout this. The narrator sounds very flat and robotic, like they’re an impassive observer rather than an active participant with their own feelings.

[“Where am I?” He just smiles at me.

“You died.” My heart stopped.]

So, the new speaker = new paragraph rule is actually an extension of the fact that a new speaker is a new subject. It’s clearer to group character actions with their dialogue, even if it’s not a speech tag. So, like:

[“Where am I?”

He just smiles at me. “You died.”

My heart stopped.]

That would make the flow much clearer.

[Seems like your waking up.]

You want “you’re”. “Your” is the possessive.

[“Hello,” my eyes still closed so I can’t see the person I’m talking to.]

You’re formatting dialogue inconsistently. The full rules are: Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

In general, I really think you should get a beta reader to help you. The grammatical errors and awkward phrasing in this make the story hard to follow.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13115976/1/The-Pok%C3%A9mon-Empire

Your first chapter really does need to consist of more than just a teaser.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13116042/1/Welcome-To-the-World-Of-Pokemon

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13117721/1/Arcforge

Blocked, new user. Looks to be original fiction anyway.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13117858/1/Atonement

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[Lumiose Tower]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

[both Ash & Alain]

Ampersands aren’t used in prose.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13117937/1/Clear-Resolution

Blocked, repost of that N music fic. No reviews, because you reap what you sow.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13109631/1/Agent-Lancerow

The Mewtwo fic. This got reposted due to spam infestation, with the typos fixed. I resposted my review.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13117993/1/Ice-Cold

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

[we follow the ordinary life of someone called Benjamin Lee Davis as he meets an Alolan Ninetales that would change his lifestyle.]

Missing capital for this sentence.

And while you’re correctly not capitalizing the word “pokemon” itself, pokemon species names shouldn’t be capitalized either, for the same reasons.

[Do note there may be typos and grammar errors I may not be aware of. I plan to update this story every so often, in large chunks rather than super short chapters.]

It’s generally better to put this information in an author’s note, just because summaries have such limited space. Your current one is a little sparse at only one sentence, for instance.

If you need help with grammar, the website Grammar Girl and other open-access resources are very helpful. I don’t recommend using grammar-checker software, however, as that’s usually meant for formal papers and can make errors in prose.

You can also look for beta readers here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

A fantasy story about magic animals is maybe not the best place for gun porn. If you spend too much time establishing how awesome the human is, it’ll raise questions of why they’re bothering with pokemon at all.

[Team Erebus managed to hold several legendaries captive]

I’m not too fond of using the term “legendaries” in fic. It’s very much a fandom term, as it’s a shorthand for the canon term “legendary pokemon”. It’s also much too general given the actual range of power of legendaries. Legendaries like latios seem to be merely rare beasts, while legendaries like Kyogre are gods.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[This made me think about how I never set out on one of those “adventures” a little 10-year old would go onto. But isn’t that just neglect? Just leaving a child all by themselves to wander the woods in search of some animal with magical powers? ]

The other thing about a fantasy universe is it’s important to commit to the ways it’d be different from ours. The pokeworld’s attitude towards pokemon makes America’s attitude towards guns look like a bastion of sanity and reason. The pokemon journey is clearly not thought of in these terms. As strange as it may seem to us, the inhabitants clearly don’t see anything unusual with it. They may be justified or they may not, but having one character inexplicably look at their world with our perspectives and sensibilities is just jarring.

[There were 2 wings in the building]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

[handing me a P220 pistol and several magazines. Not to mention it had a flashlight attachment under the barrel. I felt like I was playing a game like Half Life or Left 4 Dead]

You do know flashlight attachments are standard military issue, right? FPSs didn’t make it up.

[“So… what are we looking for?” I questioned]

“Questioned” is what police do; it’s a synonym for “interrogated”, not “asked”.

[He saw said kitsune in her human form. He only watched as she slowly took the form as a fox, but with nine large tails. The sailor didn’t know what to do except follow her throughout the entirety of the Chinese mainland all the way to Europe.” he finished.

“That sounds VERY farfetched to me.” I said, scratching the back of my neck.

“Hey, if magical animals that can battle such as my salad here exist, this could be true too.”]

Pointing out plot holes doesn’t fix them; moreover, there’s a pokemon that is literally a kitsune (zoroark), so this shouldn’t sound unbelievable to them at all. It could be interesting for him to express disbelief over the details of the story, such as if it could maintain a human form for so long, but not to express disbelief over the concept itself.

The story here is decent, and it’s good that you have so much happen in the first chapter. However, you should really look into correcting those grammar errors.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13118145/1/Alain-Journey

There’s a feature to label stories in franchises with multiple continuities, such as Pokemon, which helps people search for the stories they want to find. You can find it by selecting your story in “Manage Stories” and selecting something from the dropdown menu labeled “World”. Since this is set in anime continuity, you should select Anime so people searching for anime fic can find it.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13118253/1/Affectionate-Desires

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

[He expected her to come leap into his arms by now, but accepted her smile.

‘Cute’…never ‘beautiful’ nor ‘gorgeous’. How I wish to be more to you Kyle… I think it’s time to try something new… thought the eevee]

You seem to switch narrators here, which is jarring. It’s more immersive if you can keep us with a consistent perspective.

[Ribbon-like extensions protruding from her form; once brown fur turned to a sleek white, with an astoundingly bright shade of pink adorning her head, ears, and feet]

This is improper semicolon usage. As a general rule of thumb, you should be able to replace semicolons with periods and still have the resulting sentences make sense; for instance, what I’m doing here. Changing “protruding” to “protruded” would work, since that would make the clause a complete sentence.

[Kyle then turned to his newly altered friend, “You beat him that bad as an eevee and now that you have become a syl-ve-on —he looked at her questioningly, affirming his pronunciation of her name, to which he got a happily repeated pronunciation from her—I don’t think that is a fight you will ever lose.”]

When narration doesn’t describe how something is said, it’s its own sentence and is punctuated accordingly. Furthermore, when you’re interrupting a sentence of dialogue, you need to close the quotes. A correct version of this passage would look like:

[Kyle then turned to his newly altered friend. “You beat him that bad as an eevee and now that you have become a syl-ve-on”—he looked at her questioningly, affirming his pronunciation of her name, to which he got a happily repeated pronunciation from her—”I don’t think that is a fight you will ever lose.”]

[The proceeding walk was brief yet enjoyable for both of them, they came upon the familiar red roofed building and went inside.]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

[she says heartwarmingly.]

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well.

[I am a fool, of course he see me as a potential mate, he is a human and I am-]

It sounds like you meant to say he *wouldn’t* see her as a potential mate here.

This is surprisingly not awful for a pokephilia fic. You do a decent job establishing Sophie as having her own agency and Kyle as treating her as more than an object.

16 Comments

  1. N says:

    Blocked, new user. Says they want criticism.

    Your a bully not a critic.

    1. Roc says:
      Hybrid, if Elmo is a bully, than what does that make you?
      2
        1. Roc says:
          If you’re really an anti-bully, you don’t tell people to “go to hell.”
          2
          1. Farla says:

            You do if you’re the sort of hero where the fact you’re being awful to them proves that’s why it’s good to be awful to them! Which, sadly, she’s straight up said is how she thinks this all works.

            3
          2. N says:
            Considering all the shameless bullying, lies, and attacks on my motives (WHICH I TOLD FARLA TWENTY TIMES BUT OF COURSE DICK BEING TRUTHFUL AM I RIGH FARLA? YOU MUST MAKE ME THE DEVIL ON EARTH TO PROTECT YOUR INSANE MINDBENDING LIGIC! FYCK YOU!) and character which you still do to this day. Yeah you deserve it.
            1. Roc says:
              Hybrid, it’s in your best interest if you go away.

              You constantly accuse us of lying and making things up about you, yet you hand us the proof we need to back up our claims on a silver platter. I’m pretty sure something productive would have happened if you did not come here for the sole reason to insult or scream at someone.

              6
              Reply
  2. OK says:
    Your “okay” criticism is incorrect. OK or O.K. are acceptable. It originated as an abbreviation. Spellings which seem to be incorrect are “Ok” or “ok.” The “ock” pronunciation doesn’t decide the spelling.
    1. Observer says:

      ‘OK’ and ‘O.K.’ aren’t used in professional writing as far as I know. If they are, then they only make very rare appearances. ‘Ok’ is usually seen in informal writing, such as when you’re texting a friend and just want to abbreviate the word because it takes too much effort to write it in the ‘proper form’. I suppose it’s okay to leave it in whatever form you want, but we must acknowledge that the word evolved over time and now ‘okay’ is the most common form for it. Personally, it just weirds me out when ‘OK’ and ‘O.K.’ are used. Two capital letters used in succession bring unnecessary attention to the word. It just looks ugly.

      1
      1. JackPK says:
        I’ve complained about the same thing as OP in the past on this blog, and I specifically mentioned that journalistic style (which is what I’m most familiar with) prefers OK. The rebuttal was that literary style doesn’t agree with journalistic style on this point.

        Perhaps it would be more clear if the copypasta were rephrased to start with something along the lines of “In literary style, it’s written ‘okay’…”

        1
        1. Socordya says:

          Perhaps it would be more clear if the copypasta were rephrased to start with something along the lines of “In literary style, it’s written ‘okay’…”

          At which point people would presumably say “This isn’t literature! It’s just fanfic! It’s not like it’s published, I’m doing this for fun”, etc etc

        2. OK says:
          I have seen favor for OK itself in literary works the most often. I have seen it in books. It’s not considered wrong but isn’t preferred. In the end, it depends on style guides and the publisher’s preference as well. The reason I wanted to bring this up in the first place is because I don’t think it’s right to say you should never use it.
    2. Socordya says:

      While it might have originated as an abreviation, it isn’t used as one anymore. When you say “okay” you don’t think “Oll Korrect” or whatever the actual etymology is. You’re just thinking “okay”. So it shouldn’t be written as an abreviation, no?

      1. OK says:
        It’s still an exception to the rule. The usage for OK or O.K., while uncommon in every day writing now, is widespread enough that people understand it is an affirmative response without associating it with the etymology. You can say the same about thinking okay and OK/O.K., so I don’t see the difference.
      2. Farla says:

        Actually, I’d go further – the evidence it ever started off as any abreviation is shaky. A lot of casual words and phrases are only found in text long after they’ve been common in spoken language, but people prioritize text because it’s what we have to work with.

        The Oll Korrect joke is more likely to be a play on the fact there was already a word pronounced “oh-kay”, or quite possibly just a coincidence.

    3. Embershine says:

      Interestingly enough, ok was added to the official Scrabble dictionary a few months ago. Languages do tend to evolve over time, and this is an example of an abbreviation becoming its own word. Like ‘God be with ye’ eventually being abbreviated as ‘Godbwye’, and then further distorting to ‘goodbye’. While it may have been incorrect to use ok in place of okay at one point, I’d say this news changes things. Use ok if you’d like, it’s considered an official word now. Yes, Scrabble is just a game, but ok is also listed under the major dictionary sites now as well.

      Just thought I’d share, since I found it interesting.

      Source: https://www.cbsnews.com/news/scrabble-dictionary-adds-300-new-words-including-ok-and-ew/

      4

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