[18] The Other Pokereviews, Part 157

A story about how paraplegics can’t be trainers or, apparently, doctors, and a story by a gun fetishist.

Anime: 4

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13646469/1/Pokemon-Ash-and-the-Dex-Holders-Kanto

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.

[Four kids are about to embark on a brand new adventure, one that will test their courage, skill and determination to achieve their goals. Join Ash, Red, Blue and Green as they travel the Kanto Region, they’ll cacht pokemon, meet new friends, and take on great challenge and even foght the evil Team Rocket.]

Similarly, summaries should tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot? (You also have a few misspellings here.)

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

While you’re good at not capitalizing pokemon species names, the word “pokemon” itself, as well as associated words like “trainer”, shouldn’t be capitalized either, for the same reasons.

[these 4 children]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

[it´s no different]

I’m not sure why you have a tick mark here, but it looks very strange. I’d recommend using a normal apostrophe.

The opening spiel isn’t necessary. Everyone reading this already knows what pokemon are.

In English, dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13646615/1/Glitch

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

If you’re using horizontal lines to separate your author’s notes, it’s a good idea to use a different symbol for scene breaks, to avoid making your notes look like part of the story.

[Pokémon are no exception, either; the Porygon line has introduced a new member: a sleeker, more advanced variant of it.]

Stacking semicolons and colons is generally not recommended. I think this might look better with the first semicolon changed to a period.

[“Adam?” His mother said.]

Dialogue formatting rules remain constant regardless of punctuation, so this should be [“Adam?” his mother said.]

Additionally, you start the story in present tense, but you change to past here.

[Sigh, I never should’ve brought it to a fight…]

People don’t literally say “sigh”. To convey this in prose, you need to break the dialogue with narration saying something to the effect of “he sighed”.

You shouldn’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[TO BE CONTINUED]

This isn’t necessary. Your next chapter button will serve the same purpose.

I like stuff about porygon, but the ethics here seem really concerning. If porygon can be this badly damaged from a single battle, that rather thoroughly torpedoes the excuse that pokemon battling isn’t abuse because pokemon don’t really get hurt.

This narrative also seems rather unfocused – if your character is complaining that something is a pointless waste of time, that might be a sign it’s a pointless waste of time for the story too. Keep in mind you don’t have to cover absolutely every part of the day if it’s not relevant to the story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13646616/1/Sex-for-winning

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

All sentences need to end in punctuation, not just some of them.

[So since there are 7 of us]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

[challengers who challenge the gym leaders will have to have sex with the gym leader only if the gym leader is the opposite gender to the challenger]

So I get that porn doesn’t have to make sense, but why this homophobic exclusion? Despite being desperate enough to do this, they don’t want gay challengers? And what if any of the leaders are gay? And while I’m sure there will be no consequences since this is a pornverse, it seems incredibly unethical for the gym leaders to have no say in this decision when they’re the ones affected by it. The champions may have consented to this, but what if a gym leader says no?

Also, trainers are kids, so I’m not sure why they think this would be a good incentive in the first place.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13646616/2/Sex-for-winning

[The boy thought for a minute. “No, don’t think… Oh right the bill. You don’t have to.” The boy said and tried to leave again. Misty grabbed his arm

“I would let you leave without that if I could but the Champions put in security cameras in every gym to make sure that the new law is being done.”]

Oh, so you did intend for this to be child rape. Oookay then, but please tag for that.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13646825/1/Pok%C3%A9puffs-and-Legendary-Dragons

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13643545/1/Competitive-Repercussion

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

[Three new graduates of a trainer school are thrown into the region of Ceanei, one of the most competitive regions out there. The three will face grueling challenges as they make their way to the Champion. But a group has decided they will make business ends meet, by any means necessary.]

Summaries should tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[Few were paying attention, somewhat, to the professor’s speech]

I’m not sure what the “somewhat” is supposed to mean here.

[the professor’s speech, one had begun to raise their hand steadily just as the professor began to call out names.]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

[“Yes Tyler, why would you want to interrupt now of all time?” The professor commented.]

That’s… not really what “commented” means.

You’re overusing uncommon speech verbs and adverbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever fancy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

[another student had begun to chuckle at Tylers questioning]

Missing apostrophe here.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym. Or crocodile.

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter; it’s basically just retreading the canon opening, something everyone reading this is already familiar with. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. Start where your plot starts; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13643355/1/Trials-of-a-Ranger

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[Kate wanted nothing more than to be a Pokemon Ranger, it’s been her dream since she was a little kid and she would do anything to achieve it.]

This sentence starts in past tense, then shifts to present. Remember to keep tenses consistent.

This is also a really vague summary, and doesn’t tell us much more than the genre. WHY does Kate want to be a pokemon ranger? Why exactly might there be tension surrounding that? What is this story about, specifically?

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor. You also don’t really need to repeat the summary, since it’s already up there.

[A young fifteen year old, short and skinny girl]

This is a really clunky sentence. You want “fifteen-year-old”, with hyphens, if you’re intending to use it as an adjective, and even so, this is stacking too many adjectives for a single sentence. You should focus on which ones are important (“young” and “fifteen-year-old” are redundant, for instance) or spread this description out over more space.

[fidgeted as she was tugging on her new school uniform, walking down a dirt path, wearing a green long sleeved vest over a blue collared shirt that had a yellow tie over it, blue high waisted shorts with white cuffs and long brown boots, pulling a blue suitcase on wheels behind her.]

And this is simply a run-on sentence, in addition to bombarding us with way too much irrelevant information. Is it really crucial to the plot to describe her outfit in this much detail, or could we gloss over that to focus on what she’s currently doing?

[she had to go behind her families back]

You want “family’s”, for possessive. “Families” is the plural.

I’m not sure why you’re using so many paragraph breaks. A paragraph break creates a natural “pause” in reading flow, so you should only use it when there’s a major change in topic.

[a young boy with short blonde hair]

You want “blond”. “Blonde” is the feminine form. Blame French.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

I’m not clear what makes a ranger’s job significantly more dangerous than a trainer’s to the point parents would discourage their kids from pursuing it?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13642707/1/Stitch

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[A boy saw a Glaceon perform at a Contest one day and asked his parents if he could be a pokémon when he grew up, they said yes.]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

[15 miles from the coastline]

Numbers must always be written out when they begin a sentence.

[all 3 floors]

Additionally, in prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

[similar sines of use]

You want “sign”. “Sine” is the ratio of the opposite side of a triangle to its hypotenuse.

[The experiment itself is a ten-by-ten-foot hollow plexiglass cylinder filled with nutrient fluid, like an egg. Inside is a thing with four limbs and a head.]

Surely the thing inside the container is the experiment?

[In anticipation of something filling the increasingly empty void, he attempts to drag his body to the machine.]

You refer to the creature as “it” elsewhere. Be consistent with pronouns.

[Stumbling and crawling down the hallway, I see a door, it looks familiar. I approach.]

You abruptly shift to first-person POV here. You should keep POV consistent throughout the story.

This is interesting, but your grammatical errors and clunky sentences distract from the story. I’d recommend getting a beta reader to help you.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13642705/1/Hyper-Cutter

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

What does this have to do with Pokemon? Everyone seems to be acting like humans and there don’t appear to be any connections to the canon settings.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13642111/1/Austin-s-New-Perspective

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

Fetish fic should really be rated M, not T.

Not capitalizing “I” makes me not want to read your story. Put a bare minimum of effort into this, please.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13641641/1/A-Love-Never-Seen-Before

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[(The Seven Faces of Rocket Gang plays in the background)]

This isn’t a screenplay. Stage directions such as this are just jarring.

You don’t need to finish dialogue with a comma if it already has other punctuation.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13641493/1/Luvake-The-Love-Pokemon

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[Guess we know not to mess with Mankey’s anymore.]

This is for a possessive, not a plural. You want “mankey” – the plural of pokemon species is the same as the singular.

[I can’t fix it til it dries]

You want “till”, with two Ls.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13640823/1/On-Hope-s-Shoulders

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[In every region across the world, it is customary for a child who has turned 18 to travel across their country on an adventure with their Pokémon]

…No? The age is 10 in the Japanese regions, 11 in Alola, and teenager in the others. If you want to write about an older character, it’s best to write about someone with prior training experience – or else acknowledge that they’re going to be losing to 11-year-olds.

[I couldn’t help but feeling like nearly everything]

Should that be “feel”?

[My dreams of becoming a Pokémon doctor. Veterinarians have to know everything there is to know about the many species of Pokémon they care for, and the best way to do that is to do field studies with a Pokédex in hand.]

There’s no reason for that to be a hard requirement, though. Most of doctoring is book learning; she can still be capable of practice and lab study even if she can’t do field research.

[and mom came out]

You forgot to capitalize “Mom” here.

[Littleroot town]

All parts of a name are capitalized, so this should be “Littleroot Town”.

[I’m sure a Pokémon like that could carry me with ease…]

So I was going to wait to comment on this, but, uh, yeah, they could. We know from Gen 7 that ride pokemon are a thing. Even assuming her disability bars her from a trainer’s license (which is already dubious when her pokemon are perfectly capable of assisting in her disability), this very scene demonstrates that pokemon are used for all sorts of things, not just training. I see no reason why she couldn’t get a service pokemon of some kind.

[After I settled myself into my room, Mom recommended I go meet our neighbor across the way, the professor’s son. A woman about my mom’s age, with short curly hair and a lovely burgundy dress, came to the door.]

These sentences seem like they should be separate paragraphs.

[Oh,” I said,” Um]

Errant space here.

[“Brendan!” His mother shrieked.]

Dialogue formatting remains constant regardless of punctuation, so this should be [“Brendan!” his mother shrieked.]

[I snickered and said, “Well, I was hoping you would be a girl. That’s not a problem though—we can still paint each other’s nails and play Polly Pocket.”]

Ah, thank you for this. Brendan’s line always irritated me.

And indeed, the solution is to get her a ride pokemon, but what I don’t understand is why this is portrayed as a surprising or unique thing. This is a world that has both magic and highly advanced technology; even assuming there was no way to outright cure her nerve damage, they should have a lot more prosthetic and accommodation options than we do. I’d recommend looking at the story “Amnesia” by Farla for another take on a paraplegic trainer.

I’m also disappointed to see that this appears to just be rehashing the standard game plot.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13640557/1/Friend-or-foe

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

[Kalos high school]

All parts of a name are capitalized, so this should be “Kalos High School”.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[Flashback]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13647089/1/The-Return

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13647121/1/Dappled-Grove

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

In case you’re not aware, FFN sometimes removes second-person fic. I would recommend backing this story up on other sites such as Archive of Our Own if you haven’t already.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[I just… I feel like the Wild Area would be absolutely brutal and be someplace that small children probably shouldn’t trek through, and be reserved for master explorers or mountain climbers or something.]

This argument has been made since the beginning of the franchise. The fact of the matter is that, no matter how inexplicable it seems, trainer journeys clearly do not have a high mortality rate, or else their society as we know it would not be able to function. You can believe the canon handwave that pokemon are just super nice and would never hurt humans or come up with your own if you like, but if you are doing a dark fic like this, it would have to be a pretty heavy AU. A Pokemon universe where training is so deadly that only expert adults can do it and parents are discouraging their kids from it is a universe that is going to look very different than anything we see in canon.

[much too quickly than what you’ve ever experienced before]

Should that be “much more quickly”?

[Why did you think you could do this? How did you think you could do this?]

This is a good question you don’t seem to answer. In real life, the reason this doesn’t happen so often is that there are laws and regulatory agencies to prevent people from biting off more than they can chew without licenses and certification. Unless you mean for this to be an anarchic dystopia where everyone is fine letting kids march to their deaths, it doesn’t make sense that anyone would have let the narrator through.

[Although you can’t manage your voice out]

Dropped word here?

[It must be a tree your sitting against]

Typo here.

[You notice his hair is purple, which is a little strange.]

It’s a little awkward to literalize anime hair colors – they are almost never meant to be diegetic.

[Has just as much personality as another little brother, too,”]

Punctuation error here.

I’m surprised he didn’t have Charizard cauterize her wound. That’s what I assumed he was doing when he apologized for needing to stop the bleeding immediately. It’s really not wise to transport someone with an open wound.

[Through your eyelashes you can see the man step beside you to start unbuttoning your jeans, and he slowly peels them off. You inhale sharply through your teeth when the rough fabric scratches over your open thigh, and the man starts moving slower. Your parents warned you about this, too.]

This seems a weird direction for her thoughts to go in, unless she thinks Leon’s a necrophiliac? Why is her first thought that the person removing the clothes around her wound site after repeatedly telling her he’s trying to stop her bleeding is trying to rape a half-dead mangled body?

[“No, you’re right for chasing after something,” he says defiantly. It’s almost as if the entire cave is laced with the intensity that’s now blazing in his eyes. “It is challenging, but it’s also fulfilling. Pokémon are incredible partners, and you’re courageous for wanting to try it for yourself.”

You nod.

“I want every person in Galar to be a Trainer,”]

…He is saying this as he is stitching up someone who is by his own admission old for a trainer and would have died without his intervention. Is he trying to get kids killed? Remove the competition, maybe?

[“That one got me too!” he says. You’re not sure why that’s funny. “When I first started out, it nearly took my head off. That thing must be old.”

You nod again, and decide that Leon is a little strange.]

I would use the word “suicidal”, myself.

[TRIGGER WARNING: there is conceptualization/inferences of sexual assault in chapter 1]

Appreciated, but if you’re giving a warning for that, you should probably give a warning for the much more explicit blood and injury content.

This is technically well-written, but as I said, upping the danger to this level makes the worldbuilding really shaky. The story also felt a bit tedious towards the end, as the narrator keeps wondering who this mysterious person could possibly be when we already know the answer. If she’s a Galar native, it seems like it would make more sense for her to recognize him when he gave his name, if not immediately. I don’t really see what the dramatic irony adds.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13647361/1/Delta-Six

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

[A boy, shaken up from tragedy, grows up to be a member of an elite strike team. However, while he’s tough on the outside, is he tough enough on the inside?]

This is a pretty vague summary. Summaries should tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[Some are luckier than others]

You switch from past to present tense here, which is very jarring. Try to keep tenses consistent.

[A shuffle of feet can be heard, a small silhouette could be seen dashing in between the trees, followed by its threat.]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

[His body was covered in deep scratches, especially on his cheek where three marks dug deep into his flesh, bleeding quite a lot.]

“Quite a lot” is weak and general language that kinda undercuts the seriousness of this scene. The structure of this sentence is particularly awkward, as cheek wounds are relatively superficial injuries, making them an odd thing to focus on after mentioning his entire body is covered in deep wounds. I’d recommend perhaps expanding this into a bit more detail.

[The four legged creature]

You want “four-legged”, with a hyphen.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[He groaned in newfound pain]

Missing punctuation here.

[(9 years later)]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

[Whilst the city center seemed to have no intentions of quieting down soon, the outskirts had already taken theirs way before.]

Something went wrong with this sentence.

You have a lot of similar errors throughout this. I’d recommend getting a beta reader to help you.

[One of them yelled as they rushed for their handguns, Glock 17s. Some even had old M1911s.

[…]

black level 3A body armor

[…]

One of them wielded an AK74U and no helmet. The other had a Kriss Vector]

The only piece of equipment listed here I’m even remotely familiar with is Glocks, and I still don’t know what’s important about a 17s model. You need to keep your audience in mind, and explain technical terms that aren’t common knowledge. Is it really vital to the plot that you namedrop the exact model of equipment they’re using? If yes, you should explain qualitatively what’s important about that model instead of just giving the name. If not, that information is just needlessly distracting and you shouldn’t include it.

[(Justice – Genesis)]

This isn’t a screenplay. Stage directions such as this are just distracting and jarring.

I am not sure why you’re bothering to write in a fantasy universe if what you want to write about is gunfights. I can get gunfights anywhere; if I’m reading Pokemon fanfic, I want to read about pokemon.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13647435/1/A-home-for-Mimikyu

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

[Ula-Ula]

It’s “Ula’ula”, with an apostrophe.

You don’t need to give your story title in the story body itself, as it’s already displayed at the top of the page.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[and everyday Mimikyu was never picked]

You want “every day”, two words. “Everyday” is an adjective.

If you’re using anime characters, this story should be tagged as anime fic. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

[their Lycanroc’s fur, the rock types happily grunting]

I believe that should just be “the rock type”.

I find it hard to believe the premise of mimikyu being unpopular when all of fandom unanimously fell in love with it at first sight. I’m also disappointed you made this all about Mimikyu’s human adoptees despite the summary implying it would be about Mimikyu.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13647704/1/Supplements-for-the-Heart

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13647950/1/prisoner-to-this-heat

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13648163/1/Artificial-yet-alive

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13648251/1/Peace-On-Earth

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13648402/1/Something-New

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[once every 4 years]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

This is a pretty vague summary. You’ve only described your setting, and only in the most general terms. What’s this story about, beyond the vague possibility of conspiracy?

[He sighed at his unlucky position in life as the other branches of clones don’t have to see other clone’s dead bodies all the time.]

This is breathless – it should probably have a comma somewhere. Additionally, plural possessives put the apostrophe outside the S, so you want “other clones’ dead bodies”.

[Staring into familiar green eyes and the same light tanned skin.]

This is a sentence fragment. It needs to be combined with another clause.

[He stood up quickly and turned around, grabbing his rifle from his shoulder and aiming it at the bush. He stared at the bush and it felt as if the bush was staring back. And before long the blood soaked Pokémon responsible for the ranger’s death stepped out.]

The sentence structure here is oddly choppy – you have a lot of full stops and short sentences, which spreads the pacing out and detracts from the tense atmosphere of the scene.

[it’s left arm]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

[has been torn away]

You slip into present tense here – try to keep tenses consistent.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[The Pidgeotto took of into the air, immediately using tail wind, followed by the Arcanine using Extreme Speed, shooting into the Zoroark and ripping the rest of its left arm off, followed by the Zangoose using Close Combat, gutting the Zoroark.]

Simply saying the move name isn’t enough description – you should describe what it actually looks like and how it affects the scene. The anime doesn’t just cut to the pokemon getting hit every time a move is mentioned, for example.

This looks like it could be interesting, but this chapter doesn’t give us much idea of what the story will actually be like. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. I would also recommend getting a beta reader to help you with the formatting errors I mentioned.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13648658/1/Cautionary-Zoroark-x-Alolan-Ninetales

Non-story chapters are banned on this site. You shouldn’t post until you have story content.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Centering all your text makes it awkward to read.

3 Comments

  1. CrazyEd says:

    [A boy saw a Glaceon perform at a Contest one day and asked his parents if he could be a pokémon when he grew up, they said yes.]

    … You mean a contestant, right? Surely, you do?

    Appreciated, but if you’re giving a warning for that, you should probably give a warning for the much more explicit blood and injury content.

    Also, you should probably give it before it actually appears? Isn’t that typically how those work?

    [A boy, shaken up from tragedy, grows up to be a member of an elite strike team. However, while he’s tough on the outside, is he tough enough on the inside?]

    There’s a reason why a huge part of special forces training is to test someone’s mental fortitude and willpower. If he’s managed to become a member of a special forces team, the answer is almost certainly “yes”.

    I still don’t know what’s important about a 17s model

    I’m going to guess that he meant “several people rushed for their Glock 17 handguns”. It’s plural, not a model. Same as “M1911s”.

    I find it hard to believe the premise of mimikyu being unpopular when all of fandom unanimously fell in love with it at first sight.

    Mimikyu is supposed to be pretty creepy in-universe. The fandom likes it because it’s an unliked underdog. The anime occasionally goes full jHorror with Jessie’s mimikyu.

    1. Also, you should probably give it before it actually appears?

      They did, I just didn’t comment on it until the end since I didn’t know how accurate the trigger warning was until then.

      Mimikyu is supposed to be pretty creepy in-universe.

      Well, yes, just like many animals are only liked by niche enthusiasts, but it’s a little surreal to read so many stories about “Everyone hates me, who could love such a beast, wow my trainer is totally one-of-a-kind” when fandom proves there is a significant population of fans for whom none of that is a deterrent. You can even have mimikyu enthusiasts be perceived as weird in-universe, but “Absolutely no one ever adopts mimikyu except for my special perfect OC” is just too extreme for me.

      1
      1. CrazyEd says:

        They did, I just didn’t comment on it until the end since I didn’t know how accurate the trigger warning was until then.

        Oh, gotcha. Fair enough, then.

        it’s a little surreal to read so many stories about “Everyone hates me, who could love such a beast, wow my trainer is totally one-of-a-kind”

        Nintendo themselves even made a song from the perspective of mimikyu about this, remember? It was absolutely adorable.

        You can even have mimikyu enthusiasts be perceived as weird in-universe

        This is totes the right way to go about it. I did planning for a story that never materialized where someone (who most people thought was kind of spooky in their own right) in the Johto Region had a mimikyu they caught while on vacation, and pretty much every local thought it was the creepiest thing ever. The mimikyu would do little to change their opinions on that subject.

        Hm… maybe I could actually get a story out of it if I just focused on that aspect…

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