[18] The Other Pokereviews, Part 93

A grimdarkification of Red/Blue that looks like it may be decent, and an OC-Ash fic with a decent premise that’s too poorly-written to get into. Otherwise cookie-cutter journey and anime fic, plus some academy fics.

Anime count: 6

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12847803/1/Jack-s-Pokemon-Journey

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this by opening your story in the in-site editor.

[“Jack wake up,” I heard my mom calling me for breakfast]

When narration doesn’t contain a speech verb, it’s a separate sentence and is punctuated accordingly. So this should be [“Jack wake up.” I heard my mom calling me for breakfast].

[I got out of bed and walked down stairs to see my middle aged mother standing near the table]

This sounds incredibly weird. No one describes their parents this way in idle thought.

[professor Elm]

When titles are appended to names, they’re capitalized like ones.

This reads like it was written by a robot. There is no emotion to any of the dialogue, and the narration doesn’t describe the setting at all, making it feel as if the characters are floating in a void. I recommend reading some published books so you can see how to avoid these problems.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12847857/1/Aeon-Academy

[Welcome to Aeon Academy, a prestigious training academy. Trainers and Coordinators are handpicked from around the world to attend a school where they will be pushed to their limits by their peers and themselves. How will you fare here?]

Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

[Any reviews left with the form included will probably be deleted.]

They in fact will not be, because it is impossible to delete signed reviews.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

Look, you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. It might seem like it’s harder to think up characters than have someone else do it for you, but it’s actually far more work to try to figure out how to write a random batch of personalities and backstories, then figure out how you can make them fit into your story and get along with each other. If you make up characters based on what you need for your story, it’s not only a much better story for it, it’s easier to do. Almost all SYOC stories end up never updating, those that do often die after a chapter or two, and even the ones that continue a bit longer are plagued by meandering non-plots and characters who don’t seem to have any point to their scenes. If you have concerns about this, take them here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142912324/1/Stop-Asking-For-Ocs

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12848208/1/The-Ketchum-Saga-2-Eclipse

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[her brothers back]

Missing apostrophe.

[Bonnie looks terrified, Liam knew she was the energetic one out of the group but seeing her so stricken with fear was foreign to him.]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition. You also need a comma after “group”.

[A male’s calm voice]

This is an incredibly unnatural construction. No one but animal researchers refer to things as “the male” or “the female”. “A masculine voice” would be the natural construction here, if you must.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12848254/1/A-New-Dawn

[Fifteen year old Sapphire Chaser is moving to Alola from his home of Celadon, leaving friends behind, and finally becoming a trainer. He and his partner Riolu will journey the islands, making friends, battling rivals, helping everyone that needs it. Little does he know, how crazy his adventures will get. Follows Ultra Sun/Moon very closely, with changes here and there.]

Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot? And believe me you do need a plot. SuMo has the most plot of any game so far, but you’re still going to have to come up with your own stuff to fill the space if you’re following it closely. If you want to draw our interest, you should say what “changes” you’re planning – what makes your story unique? Read this for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/143219856/1/Actually-Writing-an-OT-Fic-Part-1

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[the rainbow city of celadon]

Forgot the capital here.

[Actually, was there a reason you called me Professor?]

This needs a comma before “Professor”, as it’s a direct address. You continue making this error throughout the rest of the chapter, which makes your dialogue very hard to understand.

You really don’t need to rehash the game opening if you’re not going to add any new information to it. Everyone reading this is already familiar with it. Start where your plot starts.

[Two months later]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

[blonde boy]

You want “blond”. “Blonde” is the feminine form.

[I swear to Arceus]

Using Arceus in place of God sounds ridiculous and has no basis in canon. It’s fine to just use “God”. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/162324520/1/Pokeworld-Religion

[ill see you later]

There is really no excuse for errors like this. The story has a lot of errors in general that make it very hard to follow. If you have trouble with this, you should get a beta reader to help you. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12848279/1/The-Elite-Fear

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon. However, you shouldn’t capitalize species names either, or other words like “lab”, for the same reason.

[The Elite Council has taken it’s role as the governing force of the Pokemon world and fear runds throughout the multiple regions.]

Typo, and you want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

[It was a normal morning, I woke up in front of my TV that had the usual propaganda running on it.]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

[Last thing I remember watching was a documentary on how the leaders earned their power throughout in Kanto. Of course it only painted them in positive light.]

If this is the only information he has access to, why does he know it’s wrong? Just how old was he when the new world order took place?

[Any child over the age of 10 and under the age of 18 was to be enlisted into the region military training program.]

Is that every child, like in the games, or is it a Hunger Games thing where only one is selected?

[When we made it into Oak’s lab he explained to me some basics on training a pokemon. Initially confused, he further explained that myself and Pine were going to have to leave the town before the Inspectors made it into town. We were to pose as shipment crew of an important parcel for Oak’s lab until the coast was clear. For now at least, we needed something to defend ourselves against the wild pokemon that were sure to attack us on the way to Viridian City.]

Why did you summarize this instead of writing it out?

[Oak brought in front of us 3 pokeballs.]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

[Viridian city]

All parts of a name are capitalized, so this should be “Viridian City”.

It’s interesting to see how you’re following the games’ plot so closely while adapting it to the new setting. I do hope you have more plot planned, though, as the games don’t have much and most novelization-style trainer fics peter out quickly. This was also quite short for a first chapter, and doesn’t tell us much about where the story is heading. It might be wise to fuse this with your current second chapter, or wherever your plot hook currently is.

You’re also making a lot of grammar mistakes that make your story hard to follow, and your dialogue feels a bit robotic. I recommend getting a beta reader to help you. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12848444/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Eclipse

[Pokémon: Eclipse is a Pokémon fanfiction that takes place in the Alola region, six years after the events of Sun and Moon/Ultra Sun and Ultra Moon. In this story, you’ll follow five young travelers on their journey throughout the Alola region as they learn more about each other, train their Pokémon, and discover the duo known as Malu Malu.]

Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot? Who are Malu Malu and what’s important about them?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12848714/1/New-world-new-adventure

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

[An artist is sent to another world with no way to get back, along the way he meets a family who is known all round. This is just the beginning of a long adventure for them all. ]

Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Centering text makes it difficult to read, and not using paragraphs makes me not want to read your story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12848899/1/reaturn-of-ashchu

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

Non-story chapters are banned on this site. I’m not sure what you’re trying to do here, but don’t post until you have story content.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12848900/1/The-Hunter-vs-The-Champion

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12848901/1/Where-The-Devil-Goes

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon. However, you should extend the same logic to other words such as “megarite” and “lunch room”.

[the legendaires]

You want “legendaries”, though I’m not too fond of using the term “legendaries” in fic. It’s very much a fandom term, as it’s a shorthand for the canon term “legendary pokemon”. It’s also much too general given the actual range of power of legendaries. Legendaries like latios seem to be merely rare beasts, while legendaries like Kyogre are gods.

[ banishing his aura to the depths of hell]

When referring to the singular place, “Hell” is capitalized.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[Using a large drill (think Gurren Lagann)]

Including author’s notes in the middle of a story is not a good idea. Stories run on immersion and suspension of disbelief; interrupting the story and pointing to the wires shatters that, much like an actor breaking character in a theater production.

[a thick russian accent..]

“Russian” should be capitalized, and you have an extra period here.

[Psycho-Plasma was a group of Plasmas who went rogue against N, creating a team of genocidal maniacs. Solar-Flare was almost the same, but with money in mind instead of genocide. ]

Why are they working together if they have opposing goals? Also, why would rogue Plasmas want genocide? The secret Plasma faction just wanted money and power like everyone else.

[As Proklyatyy walked past a Neo guard, they tripped her, causing her to spill the soup. The guard laughed a bit, walking away. She grumbled, putting her bowl on a metal rack. It was prohibited to get refills, so she would have to wait until tomorrow to eat. Again. For the seventh time this week. If it weren’t for Vakity sharing, she would have starved.]

Those guards should not be allowed to do that. Workers are valuable and killing them pointlessly is stupid and wasteful. Unless this is a concentration camp and the point is to kill them all, this is counter-productive.

[Her mother died from over being… overused. Take it as you will, she was raped to death.]

Is this really necessary?

If you use horizontal lines to separate your author’s notes, you should use a different marker for scene transitions, to avoid confusion.

[Ever since the legendaries had given up and lost the war twelve years ago, the days and nights had gone slower thanks to the two Alolan legends gone.]

Good grief, does anyone pay attention to the plots anymore? Solgaleo and Lunala are not literally the gods of the sun and moon. The games state multiple times, very explicitly, what they are and what they actually do.

Well, that ended abruptly. Cutting off your first chapter in the middle of a scene isn’t a cliffhanger, it’s bad writing. You need to foster emotional investment in a story before you can earn your readers’ anticipation. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12849124/1/Shattered-hearts-Healing-souls

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[stood around 5’6 feet]

If you’re giving height to the exact inch, that’s not “around”. You shouldn’t give height this way anyway, as most people can’t immediately pull up a mental image of what this looks like. It’s better to say “she was tall”. (Also, the way this parses is “5 feet 6 feet”. The tick mark means “feet”. You want two tick marks after the 6 to denote inches.)

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[Remember the event 6 years ago.]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

[*Flashback*]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12849188/1/The-Tale-Of-An-Eevee

[Follow us in the tale of an Eevee who’s life is changed drastically as time goes on.]

“Whose”, and summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[I live here with mama, a beautiful Espeon, and papa, a strong Umbreon.]

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one. And of course the man has a type advantage over the woman, because that’s not overdone at all.

[I looked out and saw 2 Pokemon]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

[my moms corpse]

Use apostrophes.

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. This is barely a single scene and tells us nothing about the greater plot. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12849449/1/Ash-Alola-Journey

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

[When ash thought that his journey ended in kalos]

Names, such as “Ash” and “Kalos”, are capitalized in English.

Non-story chapters are banned on this site. You don’t need this information anyway; anything relevant will come up in the story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12849526/1/To-The-Guardians

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

[On the roof of his cap was a Pikachu]

You did so here, however, as well as in the clefable/gengar section towards the end.

[With the rise of Legend’s becoming dark]

Apostrophes are for possessives, not plurals. You have a number of other problems with apostrophes throughout this. I recommend reading up on how they’re used, or getting a beta reader to help you.

[though he couldn’t much about it now]

Dropped a word.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[Welcome to Kanto’s very own Pokémon Academy.]

Is “Pokemon Academy” a brand name? If not, it shouldn’t be capitalized here.

[It was very unnerving to say the least having those eyes stare at you.]

The general you sounds awkward in third-person. I recommend rephrasing this.

[No wonder there weren’t that many trainers wondering around.]

You mean “wander”. “Wonder” means to think or imagine.

Also, “only the best of the best can be trainers” is a really tiring trope in this fandom. Training appears central to their culture in canon. Why do they bother with the immense overhead of pokemon centers and pokemon services if only a small portion of the population actually uses them? You seem to handwave this by saying people can train pokemon and presumably use services without an official license, but then what’s even the point of an official license? What is added by taking a normal feature of the setting and restricting it to only a tiny group?

[You have to be able to handle well under pressure, and be able to defend yourself from a variety of things that come your way. I shouldn’t be the first ones to tell you that pokémon aren’t the only dangerous things out there. You have gangs, criminal organizations, your basic murderers, thieves, and everything else under the sun.]

Like, in canon, the 10-year-old protagonists had no problem dealing with these things. Saying your protagonist is going to be specially trained to handle the things we already know little kids can handle is just sending the message that they’re going to be overprepared for the plot and there will be no tension. This thread explains the issue in more detail: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142926917/1/TRAINERS-START-AT-TEN

[With that, Professor Oak walked off the stage, his lab coat billowing behind him.]

Why is he wearing a lab coat to a formal presentation? You do know scientists don’t wear lab coats 24/7, right?

[he had heard way to often for him to care]

You want “too”. “To” is a conjunction.

[Arceus above]

Using Arceus in place of God sounds ridiculous and has no basis in canon. It’s fine to just use “God”. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/162324520/1/Pokeworld-Religion

[There was a silence after that. It took about a few seconds before Felix realized she was referring to him. He sat up straighter than an arrow, sputtering apologies.

“Sorry ’bout that, I’m paying attention, I swear.” Felix rambled.

“I should hope you are.” She said, obviously annoyed with him. “Focus and discipline are what makes a trainer. A little knowledge would help as well. For example…” She trailed off, waving her hand exactantly.

“Felix.”

“Felix. Answer a question for me.”]

What schools did you go to? This is incredibly unprofessional. Teachers do not single out students for ridicule like this, certainly not outside of a classroom.

[“The real theory is that Gengar is Clefable’s shadow brought to life from the Clefable’s pure body and soul. Seeing as their types can’t affect each other, it is believed that the theory holds water.”]

This is nonsense. Gengar are much rarer than clefable and are part of an evolutionary line that evolves through a very rare and specific method. How exactly does this explain gastly and haunter? And if that laughably general evidence is enough to make this hold water, does that mean every ghost has a corresponding normal-type that birthed it? (That claim is also false with the fairy-type retcon: clefable are now weak to gengar.)

[The eyes he was met with were the most powerful, brave, and unbreakable crimson eyes that he had ever seen in his life. The boy who had them was tall, and decently built looking with a slight tan to his skin that detailed that he may have spent quite a lot of time outdoors. He wore the standard uniform, though he wore a red and white cap with locks of black hair spilling out the edges, unkempt, though roguishly handsome in a way, going along well with his oddly stoic face.]

[Felix saw a handsome, athletic looking boy]

[he saw a girl about his age with the most delicate, beautiful face he had seen in a long time]

Also, why is Felix making note of how attractive everyone is? Are we supposed to read him as a hormonal teenager, is everyone else better-looking than him and that makes him feel inadequate, or what?

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. Ending that in the middle of a scene isn’t a cliffhanger, it just makes me lose interest. There are quite literally hundreds of fic on this site with the exact same premise as yours. What makes yours different? You should get to that point within the first chapter. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12849556/1/Am-I-your-friend

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context.

This is incoherent. I have no idea what’s going on.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12850007/1/Of-Cats-and-Coral-Comeback

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

[Ash gains a new perspective on life. This gives him the intense desire to not only improve himself, but solely train overlooked and outcast Pokemon, in this Amourshipping Smart Ash AU. Rewritten, Intentional OOC]

At a certain point, you really need to ask yourself why you’re so uncomfortable admitting you want to write about an OC that you have to staple Ash’s face over theirs. Just write about your OC. Trying to force this to hit the same beats as canon to justify it being Ash will just cheapen the changes you’ve made and make the entire thing more boring as you take what could be an original plotline and hammer it back into the same shape as always.

[Starting age has been bumped to fifteen]

Why? We already saw ten-year-olds overcome trials and tribulations in canon. Making your protagonist more competent than them just removes tension. If you want to write about older trainers, you can write about established ones. This topic has more discussion on this: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142926917/1/TRAINERS-START-AT-TEN

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[His mind steadily maturing, coming closer and closer to realizing a host of uncomfortable truths about his life…]

This is an incredibly weird thing to say, either as his own thoughts (if you’re doing limited) or as someone talking about him (if you’re doing omniscient). No one but twelve-year-olds think twelve-year-olds are mature, and as an extension of that, they are not actually prone to talk like philosopher kings about everyday things.

[Even with you being held back a year while Gary skipped ahead a grade, making it impossible for you two to bother each other in class]

This, too, is way too roundabout and really obviously reads like she’s just expositing for the audience. People do not actually talk like this.

This is an interesting premise, but your writing feels so unnatural that it’s hard to get into; ditto for the insistence that this unrelated OC is totally Ash. I recommend reading more published books so you can see examples of how adventure stories are typically written, and possibly getting a beta reader to help you. You can start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12850034/1/Pokemon-Academy-The-Pokemon-Project

I don’t know why you keep demanding OCs when you always ignore what people submit. Just make up your own characters instead of wasting everyone’s time.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

This was deleted and reposted:

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12850158/1/Pokemon-Academy-The-Trainer-School

Deleting and reposting just wipes your faves and follows and still gets you the same review, so don’t do it. :)

I don’t know why you keep demanding OCs when you always ignore what people submit. Just make up your own characters instead of wasting everyone’s time.

Also, non-story chapters are banned on this site. Don’t post until you have story content.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

Deleted and reposted again, this time got blocked. The multiple deletions were so egregious it actually got people complaining about it in the reviews.

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