[19] The Other Pokereviews, Part 107

A Pokemon Colosseum novelization that actually looks pretty good, and several other novelizations that do not.

Anime count: 5

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12925014/1/Pokemon-RGBY-VS-CHAMPION-BLUE

Blocked, same person who wrote an earlier screed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12925034/1/Pokemon-Adventures

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.

You may also want to make a more informative summary. Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

[*Zane’s POV*]

This format looks a bit weird – it’s less obtrusive if this kind of information is centered, to make it look apart from regular text. Published novels do this, for instance.

Mixing first-person with multiple POVs is a really bad idea. Please trust me on this. Most narrators tend to sound very similar, and especially if all the narrators are together in the same group, it’s easy to lose track of who’s who.

[Slightly panicking]

I don’t think I’ve ever seen it phrased this way, and it reads slightly oddly to me. “Panicking slightly” is the usual construction.

[It appeared to be as though I was in a moving van of sorts.]

This sounds too abstract for such a basic fact of their surroundings – if they are literally in a van, there’s no “as though”, they simply are.

[Se appeared to have pink hair]

Typo.

[but then I heard a loud thud, felt the truck bounce up, and the other three seemingly lifeless bodies flew into the air, and I then slammed my head against the floor of our container]

This is a run-on sentence. As a rule of thumb, you shouldn’t find yourself using “and” to introduce clauses multiple times in the same sentence. This would read better if split into two sentences.

[but It was ike i had never see it from this perspective]

Lots of typos here. You should proofread more thoroughly.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[She had 2 gold rings]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

[I then noticed that she had reasonably large breasts, being around a C cup.]

Most people cannot identify breast sizes on sight. This sounds incredibly creepy. Do you immediately identify girls’ breast sizes the first time you meet them? Because, uh, most people don’t do that.

That ended abruptly. Ending your first chapter on a cliffhanger is generally not a good idea, as cliffhangers require readers to already be invested in what’s going on. You have to spend some time building that investment before you cash it in.

As a result, this is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

This isn’t even a complete scene; it gives me no idea who these people are or what the story is going to be about. Zane, Heaven, and Max seem to know each other, but you don’t go into any detail on how or the nature of their relationship. And why does Zane seem to have no memory of how he got here? Is this one of those “people from the real world are transported into the pokeworld” stories?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12925076/1/Platinum-Journeys

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[Twinleaf town]

All parts of a name are capitalized, so this should be “Twinleaf Town”.

[Starly’s were chirping]

Apostrophes are for possessives, not plurals. Fandom generally agrees that pokemon use the same word for singular and plural, so you can just say “starly were chirping” here.

[In one certain house there was a boy who had gotten fully in a red long-sleeved shirt, black demi pants and white shoes. He had short black hair and brown eyes. His name was Lucas.]

Opening the story with excessive physical description is an instant turnoff. Do you see how rushed and awkward this sounds? This early on, you should stick to information that is immediately relevant. More minor details can come after readers have gotten invested.

[Dammit Berry!]

Proofread.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Additionally, you’re overusing uncommon speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever fancy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

[We can-hey is that a new computer]

Using hyphens without spaces in place of dashes is confusing. To avoid people thinking you’re hyphenating words, you should put spaces around the hyphen, or use a double dash.

[If your late]

You want “you’re”. “Your” is the possessive.

[I’ll see you later mom]

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

…And now half your sentences are missing punctuation. If you’re not willing to put effort into making your story readable, I’m not going to put effort into continuing to read. Grammar is meant to make text easier to read, so brazen disregard for it is incredibly disrespectful to your readers.

As for content… Pokemon novelizations tend to run into the problem that the Pokemon games do not have much in the way of plot. A rigid sequence of milestones and boss battles is exciting in a video game, but not so much in a story. If you want to maintain momentum past the opening, you’ll need to think about adding your own details, twists, and plot events, things that you should advertise early on to set your story apart from the others. This thread discusses this in more detail: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/143219856/1/Actually-Writing-an-OT-Fic-Part-1

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12925318/1/POKEMON-MAXIE-S-RAGE

Trolling is supposed to be entertaining. Try harder.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12925531/1/Screaming-Silence

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing the word “pokemon” itself. However, species names shouldn’t be capitalized either, for the same reasons.

[an incredibly competent criminal syndicate who holds all the cards]

“Who” doesn’t sound quite right when referring to a depersonalized organization; “that” might be more appropriate.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[The residents of the nearby communities (Azalea Town and Goldenrod City, respectively) believe that it was-and possibly still is- the home to a mythical pokémon named Celebi, which has been given the moniker ‘The Voice of the Forest’. Naturally, that brings all sorts of visitors to the dense forest: trainers, tourists and even a scientist and his family…]

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well. Additionally, using hyphens without spaces in place of dashes is confusing. To avoid people thinking you’re hyphenating words, you should put spaces around the hyphen, or use a double dash.

[Ah, papa]

When a title (such as “papa” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

[hiding.” Observed a boy]

You’re generally formatting dialogue correctly, but you used a hard stop here.

[The boy’s father was his mirror image; the same spiky gray hair, the same eye color, and even the same jawline lines.]

This is improper semicolon usage. As a general rule of thumb, you should be able to replace semicolons with periods and still have the resulting sentences make sense; for instance, what I’m doing here. You want a full colon here.

[I told you both that Ilex forest was worth a detour.]

Forgot to capitalize “Forest” here.

[“It’d be a shame if you didn’t. You’re aiming to participate in the Ever Grande Conference, aren’t you? This is the perfect opportunity for you to practice catching a pokémon,”]

Isn’t this a sacred place, though? Wouldn’t pokemon be protected in this site, the same way animals are protected from hunting in nature reserves in our world? This is a particularly important point for Pokemon Colosseum, which is all about pokemon theft and unjust treatment.

[For a few seconds nothing happened Then]

Looks like you forgot a period here.

[Two legs slipped out the sides and set up their roots on the freezing cold floors.]

This seems an odd choice of words, as “roots” implies immobility – think of the Ingrain move. He presumably plans to start walking, so he’s not rooted to the spot.

[May 9th it read.]

This needs a comma after “9th”.

[The grunt’s goggles hung loosely around his next.]

Typo.

It seems a little over-the-top for a thirtysomething adult to be intimidated by a teenager. Certainly in the game, none of the grunts seem particularly scared by him. Wes may have a hard expression, but that’s par for the course among hardened criminals, not anything special.

[As more grunts jeered at him, Wes mentally retorted by dressing down their choice in pokémon and move pool.]

This is a nice character detail. It makes a lot of sense in that this is absolutely something a grumpy teenager would do, and fits well with Wes being a silent protagonist if he’s more prone to quietly analyzing situations. It also dovetails nicely with the gameplay style of Colosseum, where you are forced to use a very limited number of often subpar pokemon in creative ways, so it’s very believable that Wes is genuinely skilled.

[Wes took a deep breath to stop himself from doing anything too brash less he made even more waves with Wakin.]

I think you meant “lest” there, not “less”.

[The number count included the top houndours]

I’m not sure if it’s necessary to pokemonize animal expressions – dog pokemon are described as such in-universe, so they clearly have at least some idea of normal animals.

[“…”]

This is a visual art convention and doesn’t work in prose.

This was very good! Colosseum is one of my favorite games, and it’s really neat to see a story delving deeper into Wes’ backstory and motivations. You’ve already characterized him really well, and even though you haven’t gotten to the start of the game yet, this chapter doesn’t feel like padding. This looks very promising.

One thing, though – I think it’s a bit dissonant to be referring to pokemon as “it” in a story that’s all about pokemon abuse. A huge part of why Cipher is so awful is that pokemon *are* people, and the shadow process demonstrably warps their personality. It would be a nice detail if Wes used appropriate pronouns for pokemon – it would be a subtle way of showing his true loyalties and why he’s going to end up so motivated to take Cipher down.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12925652/1/Armageddon

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

Your summary should be more informative. I don’t have any good idea of what the story is about based on it.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[In response to the devastation, the Alola region began aggressive expansion into the North American continent, as much of Alola’s trade market was now destroyed. Local established regions and territories resisted the advancement, though Alola still managed to gain a foothold in the northwest.]

This seems like a weird chain of events. Alola is aggressively isolationist, not expansionist. As a parallel to real-world Hawaii, they have their own unique culture that is in danger of being drowned out by foreign influence, and the islands seem pretty self-sufficient – they produce a lot of unique goods we don’t see in other regions, and don’t seem to need to import much. Stretching themselves thinner seems antithetical to their goals. (I also don’t understand why the Japanese regions, an entire hemisphere away, would be their main trade market and not North America.)

[As a result of the hostilities in the North American continent and the destruction of Asia, Africa lost what little financial and agricultural support it had, leading to terrible famines in which nearly half of the population, both human and Pokémon, were lost.]

This also doesn’t make sense to me – like Hawaii, Africa is pretty self-sufficient. The reason it’s such a mess in our world is because Europe purposefully made it unstable. The resource shortages in Africa come from global warming and from frequent warfare that wastes resources and perpetuates chaos. The pokeworld seems to be an alternate Earth where pokemon existed from the beginning, which means Africa would likely have been able to resist white colonization with their own pokemon. Pre-colonization, Africa was actually doing really well; an Africa that never fell would not need to be propped up by the West.

I get that you want to do the four horsemen of the apocalypse, but none of this feels very natural – you’re very transparently forcing the world state into these four apocalypses. The story will be stronger if there is some unifying theme here. You say it was kicked off by environmental devastation, so why not keep rolling with that? Resource shortages from global warming are already responsible for warfare throughout Africa and the Middle East, and environmental disruption would naturally lead to famine as well. This would be particularly relevant because Pokemon as a franchise is very much concerned about our relationship to nature and our ability to coexist with it. But Pokemon’s world-state just seems too stable for a single disruption to suddenly set everyone at each others’ throats.

So – this is really short, even for a prologue. I can understand the desire to open your story with worldbuilding exposition, but though that seems logical it’s actually unwise from an emotional standpoint. The actual story is going to be about the characters, right? All this stuff is just a backdrop and setup for the journeys and themes you’re going to be exploring in the story itself. This early on, that’s the core you should be focusing on to get us invested. The advice “show, don’t tell” also applies here – simply hearing about these events is kind of dry, but seeing how they directly affect people and the characters’ own perspectives on it will give us greater emotional context.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12925833/1/Bird-Gang

Blocked. I recognize the name but my reviews aren’t on any of their stories; maybe they deleted it.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12925911/1/Spring-Day

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

[they will start complaining of the bitter cold]

I believe that should be “would” rather than “will”, as the rest of the story is in past tense. You have a few more odd constructions like this throughout the story. You might want to get a beta reader to help you if this is something that gives you trouble.

[Lumiose city]

All parts of a name are capitalized, so this should be “Lumiose City”.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

This is very sweet and you convey the emotions quite well, but your grammatical errors are very distracting and make the story hard to understand. You should look for a beta reader here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12925994/1/The-Platinum-Saga

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

[Lucas. Dawn. Barry. Three ordinary people. Three great friends. A local professor needs their help with research, and selects the three of them to conduct it for him. Did they only know what they were in for…]

This is a pretty vague summary; many stories on this site could be described this way. What, indeed, are they in for? What is this story, uniquely, about? Describing this will help set your story apart from the crowd.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[the legends of Kanto, Derrick ‘Red’ Buckman, Elisha ‘Leaf’ Watanabe and Harrison ‘Blue’ Oak]

It’s a good habit to use Oxford commas. There’s little ambiguity here, but dropping them can lead to silly things like dedicating a book to your parents, Ayn Rand and God.

[the most famous trainers hailing from the whole world]

More famous than May and Brendan, who stopped the apocalypse? You should think about the differences between in-universe and out-of-universe – we see Red and Blue as the best trainers because we remember the original games as special, but on an objective scale, their accomplishments are the least impressive of all the PCs. Every other PC tames gods; the Kanto PCs just do the League circuit, same as everyone else. Even their takedown of Team Rocket was rather incidental compared to the more direct conflicts against the antagonists in later games. It’s reasonable to see these three as an inspiration, but the others are way more deserving of fame.

I also find it really weird that you gloss over May and Brendan saving the world in favor of more generic tournament matches. Given that the mythic elements are way more engaging for a novel, this doesn’t make me very confident about where this story is going.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[“He and these two,” sliding the profiles of the blond haired male and navy haired female in fornt of Stephen as well. “would be the perfect trio in my eyes.”]

When interrupting dialogue with a non-speaking verb, such as here, you need to break the dialogue with something other than a comma, and the narration has to be a complete sentence. For a quick action such as this, dashes would be appropriate. Something that could work might be, [“He and these two”–Rowan slid the profiles of the blond haired male and navy haired female in fornt of Stephen as well–”would be the perfect trio in my eyes.”]

You should also avoid using “male” and “female” to refer to people, as it sounds really weird – only animal researchers refer to things that way. “Boy” and “girl” sound much more natural.

[“That sounds amazing! We could finally get our starters, and then travel the three of us across Sinnoh!”]

If they wanted pokemon, they can just catch one from the wilderness. Trainers in the games state this outright, and this is shown even more explicitly in the manga. By most accounts, the player’s experience of getting special pokemon from a professor is actually unique. It would be reasonable for them to have already caught a pokemon but still be excited to receive this special gift – and that would also justify why Rowan picked them as good candidates in the first place, if they already have experience raising pokemon.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[from day 1]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

[(The next morning)]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

This is really oddly written. Your prose is extremely mechanical and wooden – your characters’ thoughts and words don’t sound natural at all. And while I’m glad you’re willing to skip over the less important bits, the frequent jumps make the story feel extremely scattered and disorganized. You should start where your plot starts; if the outcome of a battle has no impact on your plot, it’s fine to skip over it entirely. Your plot doesn’t seem to really start until the very end of this chapter. The story would be more engaging if you could get there sooner. It’s fine if you start with established trainers – we all know the opening of the games and we all know how trainers get pokemon, so there won’t be any confusion.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12925996/1/Futanari-Pokegirls

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[Her beautiful C-size breasts]

I can never understand why anyone thinks describing people like grades of meat is sexy.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12926005/1/Pokemon-Kanto-Chapter

This is really weirdly written and hard to follow. Are you not a native speaker? Regardless, you need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12926209/1/A-Shapeshifter-in-the-real-world

Blocked, previously reviewed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12926326/1/Mt-Silver-Sillies

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[immediately being swallowed up by the all-consuming darkness. It was as if the entire place had fired a dark pulse at him.]

Hm. That’s an odd description – the move description for Dark Pulse states that the “darkness” is metaphorical, as the attack is a psychic assault of negative thoughts. It does work for parallelism since you have Gold use a move to counter this, but perhaps a ghost move would be more appropriate? They tend to have more to do with literal dark energy, ironically.

[Apart from some surprisingly high levelled wild pokémon, it wasn’t very challenging, and soon reached the top level.]

There’s no subject in this sentence – you need something like “soon he reached the top level.”

[Pallet town]

All parts of a name are capitalized, so this should be “Pallet Town”.

[professor Oak’s]

Similarly, when titles are appended to names, they’re capitalized like them.

This is amusing, though it ends rather abruptly.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12926367/1/Champions-of-Orre

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[Arceus took pity]

Using Arceus in place of God sounds ridiculous and has no basis in canon. It’s fine to just use “God”.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12926568/1/Yesterday

Another screed against me, by the same person as last time.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12926578/1/The-Standard-Trifecta

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic to avoid this problem. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties, this thread has clearer instructions: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12926587/1/Journey-of-a-trainer-and-his-pichu-Remake

Blocked, previously reviewed. Interestingly, they say they wanted to rewrite this because the original was poorly written, but there are no reviews on the original. They must have come to this conclusion themselves.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12927149/1/Remembrance-Pokemon-White-Version

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

Centering all your text makes it difficult to read.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

I should not need to tell you that sentences need to end in punctuation. If you’re not willing to put effort into making your story readable, I’m not going to put effort into continuing to read. Grammar is meant to make text easier to read, so brazen disregard for it is incredibly disrespectful to your readers.

This story has a heckler review, but oddly, the author did not block me despite saying they would.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12927468/1/A-warning-to-all-users

Go to reddit and you will find at least four posts about them and how stupid they are.”

OH NO. FOUR POSTS??? I AM UNDONE.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12924929/1/Gold-and-Emeralds

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

[gem like eyes]

Typically, words like this are hyphenated, like “gem-like”.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

So, while it’s reasonable to presume that sableye appearance is influenced by their diet, wouldn’t this have to mean that red-eyed sableye are just as picky? It would make more sense if there was simply a wider degree of variation based on what gems the individuals preferred. The gold connection also isn’t explained very well, I don’t think – why are regular sableye black in that case, do they eat coal? You should explain more about how they eat and function – from this, it sounds like they eat all kinds of rocks, not just gems.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12924776/1/The-Cycle

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

Making the life god female and the death god male is sexist. They are genderless in canon.

[the flower blooms all around almost giving off a glow of zeal]

“Zeal” seems an odd choice of words here. What about the flowers makes them seem zealous?

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

This doesn’t seem to say anything particularly meaningful or original. I feel that the gods’ behavior is far too comprehensible and human. And the solution of letting Xerneas feed Yveltal’s vampirism seems so obvious that I have to question why they never thought of it before. Is this early history, before they’ve cycled many times?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12924557/1/Ozone-Chronicles-Part-One

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic to avoid this problem. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties, this thread has clearer instructions: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

You’re formatting dialogue inconsistently. If you’re confused, the full rules are: Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12924516/1/A-Little-Visit

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12924311/1/An-UnNatural-Journey

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12924301/1/The-Guardian

Blocked, despite the author saying they want real criticism.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12924186/1/Nothing-to-Arceus

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic to avoid this problem. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties, this thread has clearer instructions: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

[“Why do I miss her so much?” Was the question of a 15 year old pokemon trainer.]

This is a very odd choice of opening line. I feel like part of this got cut off. I have no idea what this person is talking about or who he is, and the rest of the conversation doesn’t clarify.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing the word “pokemon” itself. However, species names shouldn’t be capitalized either, for the same reasons.

[Flashback]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12923709/1/From-Villain-to-slave

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic to avoid this problem. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties, this thread has clearer instructions: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

[“Hi mom!”]

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[One month ago]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[for 5 years]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12927724/1/2018-New-Shippings

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic to avoid this problem. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties, this thread has clearer instructions: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You need to use paragraphs.

And I’m afraid I must break my normal policy to reply to a previous review:

[Also don’t that their advice to heart. They are a minority. It effectively is writer suicide.]

This is scaremongering nonsense. Do not let it bother you. Many people have taken our advice and it has led to even greater popularity for them.

The rest of the review is similar scaremongering. If you have an issue with any part of my review, you’re welcome to talk to me about it.

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