[19] The Other Pokereviews, Part 110

A post-apoc story where pokemon have succeeded humans, though so far it looks like it’s effectively just a typical fantasy YA narrative. There is also what looks to be a decent high fantasy thing about the legendaries where Arceus is not the center of the universe.

Anime count: 8

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12946505/1/Survivor-Seafoam

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Crossovers belong in their own section.

[The scene then transitions to atop the icy mountains of the island where an Alakazam, wearing a red bowtie, stood with both of his arms behind his back.]

This begins in present tense, then changes to past midway through. Either one is valid, but you need to stay consistent throughout the story.

I don’t see what this has to do with Pokemon. These characters are acting more like cosplayers than anything else. If you want to write about pokemon, you should think about what makes them unique and different.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12946372/1/Masi-The-Young-Pokemon-Trainer

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.

[Masi is a young girl who moves to Alola region with her mother, she will go through many adventures in Alola as well meeting new friends and pokemon.]

You might also want to pick a more original summary. Summaries should tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

This is also a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

[English is my second language but you don’t worry about the grammar error as well misspelling words during the writing, I am using a Grammarly to fix any problem I can find in my story.]

Grammarly is for formal papers and creates many additional problems when used with prose. Prose is a special and very difficult form of writing, and you really need to an actual person to proofread if you want to catch mistakes. Case in point, there are a lot of really weird and distracting errors throughout this. I can understand you might need to write in English if your native language is very obscure, but you need a beta reader to help you, not a program. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[Masi was 10 years old girl, she has a black hair and her eyes were a complete heterochromia; her right eye being green and her left one, Blue, she has white fair skin. She was a daughter of a famous businessman named Maxwell and a woman named Madeen who was a famous writer as well the owner of Starlight café chain. Masi has a twin older sister named Sami. Masi’s parents were devoiced when Sami and Masi were six years old. Their father took Sami to live with him awhile Madeen took Masi to live with her.]

Opening the story with excessive physical description is an instant turnoff. I understand why you think it’s important to establish basic information first, but readers don’t actually care about that as much as things like how the character acts and what they’re doing. Show don’t tell, etc. This early on, you should stick to information that is immediately relevant. More minor details can come after readers have gotten invested.

This tone persists throughout much of this chapter, and it makes me feel very emotionally detached from the events, like I’m reading a textbook rather than a story. I don’t feel a strong connection to what’s happening, and I don’t feel like Masi does either. I feel like I’m sleepwalking through the story rather than experiencing it.

Not much happens, either. This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. Start where your plot starts; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event. What makes this story different than the thousands of others like it? What makes it unique, interesting? Lead with your best foot forward.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12946310/1/How-to-Grow-a-Puppy-from-Sinnoh-to-Unova

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

I’m not entirely clear what this story is trying to say. You seem to be working on the assumption that Cynthia is training the Unova league, but you don’t make that clear until the end, so I was lost for most of this. Overall, this was very rambly and confusingly-written, with a lot of the narrator second-guessing himself and jumping around in space and time.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12946295/1/Pokedex-Project

This is not fanfiction. Go to Bulbapedia if you want to compile game data.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12946075/1/Red-and-Leafs-Adventure

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

Why did you post this twice?

You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.

[Pokemon with a twist!]

You may also want to pick a more original summary. Pretty much every story on here can be described this way. What is your twist? What makes this story unique?

This is a mess. The extent of the errors makes figuring out what you’re trying to say a chore. You need to try harder and get a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12945903/1/Pokemon-EPF-Kanto-Region

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[He is, however bored with his life]

This needs a comma after “however”.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice. You also shouldn’t include multiple chapters in the same document. Your “prologue” section is so short it doesn’t really need a separate heading anyway; you can just add a scene break after it and continue with your first chapter.

[“Hello, and welcome to the world of Pokemon.” I remember that’s what used to play on the televisions during the age of humanity.]

That doesn’t make a lot of sense. How many television programs do you know that unironically tell everyone “welcome to Earth”? The introductory scene of the games is pretty obviously just for the player’s benefit, and not something that people literally say in-universe.

[Pokemon no longer could share friendship with humans, who they needed just as much as humans needed them. With humans gone, Pokemon became unruly. Fighting is simply in their nature, but it was the humans that taught them how to hone their abilities. Eventually, Pokemon came to separate as before the age of humanity, eventually all returning to their homes.]

This seems an odd stance to take. It’s unclear how long pokemon training has existed for, but certainly the modern model seems fairly recent, too recent for any kind of domestic dependence to have evolved. What we see of training certainly doesn’t seem like it would encourage group identity among pokemon – all domestic pokemon we see work at the behest of humans, either in isolation or in small groups. If anything, it should make them more unruly – trainer pokemon are hyperspecialized for specific tasks and competitions, separated from their natural environment. If pokemon society collapsed after the disappearance of humans, I think it would more likely be from damage the trainer system caused than from a reversion to natural behavior.

[Here they lived in the remnants of the human homes, doing their best to keep them maintained.]

Why? Extremely few pokemon are humanoid. Human homes should not be compatible environments for them. I could see them recycling the materials into new dwellings or simply preserving them out of sentimentality, but they would need different environments for themselves.

[Pokemon still had not grown fully accustomed to human technology at this point. Homes were dark and required alternate sources of light.]

Their electrical systems are powered by pokemon, though. The voltorb and pikachu etc. should still be able to keep the lights on just fine.

[Everyone lived off farming and manual labor, but still, they were happy.]

Is that really so much worse than living as predator and prey? The pampered trainer pokemon might be sad at the loss of human-made comforts, but this is a huge step up for wild pokemon.

[Pokemon were far more violent out in the wild]

So… wait, there are still wild pokemon? How does that work? Was it only the trained pokemon who formed civilizations? Given that proves all pokemon have higher intelligence, why didn’t the wild pokemon want to join in, or at least negotiate?

[Vigilance]

[Benny]

You should try to keep naming styles consistent. If Vigilance is meant to be an odd name, you should explain that his parents were traditionalist weirdos or something. Just having wildly clashing names show up without comment is very awkward.

[He was obsessed with history and was always commenting on the ingenuity of the humans, despite not knowing what any of the old tech did.]

Some pokemon were directly involved in human tech, though. Do none of them understand human writing? Were there no records made?

[“Someday,” he would always tell Vigilance. “I’m]

When narration interrupts dialogue in the middle of a sentence, it doesn’t end the sentence. So this should be [“Someday,” he would always tell Vigilance, “I’m]

[Darren rolled his eyes. “You’re never going to write that thing.”

Benny]

There’s only a single line break here.

[We need you anyway.”

That wasn’t completely true. Vigilance wasn’t the only fire type in Pallet, though he was one of just three. The other two were a Flareon and a Magmar which were hardly in need of a mere Charmander’s support.]

You say the total population is around a hundred, though, and fire is a really crucial resource. How old are the other two? Do they have children or even compatible mates? They may well need all the help they can get.

[Methusaleh gestured to himself. “Do you think I got like this by just sitting around? No, I fought.]

The significant of this is unclear, since you don’t describe Methusaleh in detail. If he was described as having scars or something, this would make more sense.

This also makes me wonder how he evolved to a golem in the first place, when the only way to do that in the games is through a trainer mechanism. How do you interpret trading evolutions in this world?

[“You need money. Out there, you don’t just get food for work. Some pokemon expect you to pay using the same system that Methusaleh’s shop runs on for outsiders.”]

This is sounding less like total post-apocalyptic and more that Pallet in particular is really backwards.

[For you, you just want to see the world?]

Should probably have a period, not a question mark here.

This is an interesting concept – I always like seeing pokemon societies that aren’t Mystery Dungeon. I feel like this is lacking something distinctly Pokemonish, though. So far, it seems like a pretty typical medieval fantasy adventure story where everyone has magic powers – and that describes literally hundreds if not thousands of stories. So far, your pokemon characters are acting pretty much just like humans with magic powers, and we haven’t even seen the magic powers on display yet. It’s reasonable to give them opposable thumbs for convenience, especially given this is far in the future, but I would appreciate a bit more in the way of unique elements from the franchise to make this feel like more than just standard original fantasy. What happened to the really weird pokemon like voltorb and magnemite? How do they fit into this society? What are pokemon, really – are they just animals, or do they have some more mystic connection to nature as some fans speculate? I’m also interested to see how these “wild pokemon” are handled – logically it should be possible to talk or negotiate with them, and if not they are effectively different species, which would be bizarre.

The writing style of this is also a little on the simplistic side, the kind of thing I would expect from a newbie writer. Your sentences tend to be short, simple, and straightforward, with little in the way of imagery, flourish, or emotional embellishment. I feel a little detached from events as a result. You should think about how to vary your sentences a little, and maybe add more descriptions to what’s going on. Published novels can give you many good examples of what this looks like.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12945177/1/Pokemon-Ultra-moon-Sun-Legacy-of-a-trainer

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic to avoid this problem. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[You didnt mind when you got with me you knew i had her!.]

It is insulting that you thought this level of sloppiness acceptable to post. You should not make it a chore for people to try to understand what you’re saying. Put a bare minimum of effort into this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12945043/1/The-Legendary-Saga

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

I’m not too fond of using the term “legendaries” in fic. It’s very much a fandom term, as it’s a shorthand for the canon term “legendary pokemon”. It’s also much too general given the actual range of power of legendaries. Legendaries like latios seem to be merely rare beasts, while legendaries like Kyogre are gods.

[Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Corruption breeds ignorance. Ignorance yields catastrophe. Catastrophe produces experience. And experience begets wisdom. Such is the cycle of life on this planet, a never-ending struggle of creation and destruction, yet always teaching those who might listen.]

This is a weird way to open this story, because those are very human traits and a very human narrative. Gods almost certainly do not follow the same rules or look at the world in the same way. This can make sense as a god imparting a lesson to a human, but it still feels odd to me that they would talk about this worldview in such universal terms, and not, “The world works this way for you specifically.”

[I am connected to the stars themselves, the instruments of prophecy. I see all that could be, and it blends with that which already is.]

…Does it? Maybe it’s different in anime canon, but the game’s pokedex entries just mention granting wishes, nothing about prophecy. Jirachi looks specifically like a *shooting* star, so I think it’s reasonable to assume the star theme is meant to be associated with wishes and not prophecy.

[I, and by extension the rest of my kind, are not flesh and blood creatures like pokemon. We are beings of energy and thought, though we choose to take corporeal forms to interact with the many forms of life in this universe.]

This is a neat idea, and fits with the fact that so may legendaries need to be summoned and are contained in smaller artifacts. “Beings of thought” raises some interesting implications, though, such as the “did God create Man or did Man create God?” question. So many of the legendaries have dominion over such specific aspects of importance to human life and philosophy – are they influenced by human thought, or are those concepts inherent components of reality?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

While this is well-written and a nice bit of high fantasy (I particularly appreciate that you didn’t mention Arceus at all), I still feel like Jirachi isn’t very appropriate for this – a being that sleeps for a thousand years and only awakens to grant wishes doesn’t seem like it would be very concerned about time or the state of the world. Celebi canonically has not only time travel powers but an association with nature and preservation, and would probably be a better fit for this.

Got blocked for this, weirdly. Further evidence that correlation is really not predictable.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12944992/1/The-True-Passion-of-Man

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

[The world is a dangerous place for children. Powerful Pokemon lurk in all grasses and waters, it’s hard to survive on your own.]

This is clearly false in the context of canon. Even in the manga, which is much darker than any other canon, there is no mention of kids routinely getting maimed, and we see kids venturing into the tall grass alone without serious issue. It doesn’t matter how nonsensical it looks from our perspective, the pokemon world really is safe for kids. Willing suspension of disbelief, etc.

The second sentence here is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[Red was now in his teens, and lost all interest in the title of “World’s Strongest”]

This sentence needs a period.

You need to put more effort into humor if you want it to be really effective. Just saying something randomly silly isn’t that funny.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12944781/1/Ecoble-Darkest-Dawn

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

[Enter Ecoble, a region where new-age technology mixes with ancient history. Despite the years of peace the region has known, Team Prime seeks to end this bliss by awakening the Legendary Guardians of Ecoble. The only things that stand between them and their goal are a shadowy organization and… a NEET?]

This is a decent summary, but still fairly generic – an awful lot of stories on this site could be described similarly. What makes your story unique? Are there any interesting themes or concepts you’re going to forward? You should bring those up in the summary, to lead with your best foot forward.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym or legendary guardians.

[To others, it was a sign of change, though the meaning of said change tended to vary from one person to another.]

It feels abrupt to end the paragraph here. Simply giving a general statement that something meant different things to different people feels waffling and uninteresting. What are some examples of the various meanings people ascribe to this? What kinds of people pick different associations and why?

[the cooler Spring temperatures]

Seasons aren’t capitalized.

[His gaze was focused intently on the panorama above, his grey eyes roving almost hungrily over each star, as if he wished for nothing more than to join them in the heavens above. Despite this, the hidden smile upon his lips suggested he was simply lost in thought, rather than fervently wishing to soar into the atmosphere.]

It’s really weird to write this way. It may seem like it inspires mystery, but it just makes the narration sound uncertain and confused, undercutting the gravitas. It’s best if you can imply these things without directly stating them – show don’t tell, etc.

[ending it’s buzzing]

Typo.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[I mean for Arceus’ sake]

Using Arceus in place of God sounds ridiculous and has no basis in canon. It’s fine to just use “God”.

[you seem to constantly forget that the time I “take off” isn’t spent doing nothing]

When you quote inside a quote, you use single quotes instead of double quotes; otherwise, the reader will be confused about where the dialogue ends. (If you quote inside a quote inside a quote, you go back to double quotes.)

[You may have noticed that the Visitor called each of his Pokemon by a nickname, rather than the name of their species. This is something that’s going to occur with a select few individuals within this story.]

It’s a little weird for only important characters to nickname their pokemon. If nicknaming is a normal thing, everyone should be doing it; if nicknaming pokemon is a rare and significant trait, that should be explained in the story.

Unfortunately, this story doesn’t interest me much – gritty intrigue isn’t really my thing.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12944776/1/Master-Journey-The-Kanto-Saga

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic to avoid this problem. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

[The Pokémon will be different as the life of Ash Ketchum has been rewritten.]

Okay, so what’s the point of calling him Ash at all? At a certain point, you really need to ask yourself why you’re so uncomfortable admitting you want to write about an OC even when you are literally just stapling Ash’s face over an OC. Just write about your OC. Trying to force this to hit the same beats as canon to justify it being Ash will just cheapen the changes you’ve made and make the entire thing more boring as you take what could be an original plotline and hammer it back into the same shape as always.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[Being a seventeen genius with an IQ of 234 in a child’s body was really shocking. But once I finished I thanked Delia and kissed her cheek and went upstairs to change out of my baby blue PJs. I found a black T-shirt with an orange strip, blue jean shorts and tennis shoes and rushed out side, but I had to use the bathroom and once I relieved my bowls I noticed I had some muscle build and my penis instead of being one inch for a child my age it was five]

And wow, we’re done here. This is super gross. If you’re going to write self-insert porn please do it with a character your actual age instead of a child.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12944234/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Aura-Wars-3-Search-and-Rescue

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic to avoid this problem. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Songfic is banned on this site.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Look, you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. It might seem like it’s harder to think up characters than have someone else do it for you, but it’s actually far more work to try to figure out how to write a random batch of personalities and backstories, then figure out how you can make them fit into your story and get along with each other. If you make up characters based on what you need for your story, it’s not only a much better story for it, it’s easier to do. Almost all SYOC stories end up never updating, those that do often die after a chapter or two, and even the ones that continue a bit longer are plagued by meandering non-plots and characters who don’t seem to have any point to their scenes.

Grammatically, this is a mess. Put a bare minimum of effort into making your story readable.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12944174/1/Starlight-Ablaze

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12944071/1/Mechanical-Pierrot

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

It is really weird and creepy that this romance fic is focused so strongly on how childlike Lyra is. Lance is an adult. He should know it is not okay to be thinking about a child this way, or to play along when she flirts with him.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12944023/1/Aurora-Journey

Blocked, previously reviewed. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12943976/1/Time-passed-by

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12943717/1/A-Dying-Wish

Blocked. The name seems familiar but they don’t have any earlier stories. Maybe they deleted.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12943662/1/The-Forest-of-Love

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[He stroked his Sylveon, whom he named Eon softly as he wondered what to do.]

This sentence sounds cramped and awkward; it’s easier if you rearrange it to something like [Eon, his sylveon].

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader. Also, a new speaker means a new paragraph.

Talking pokemon are an enormous can of worms you shouldn’t open unless you have a very good explanation for why one group of people is being owned by another group of people. This is especially awkward for a fic about B/W, where it is a major plot point that humans cannot understand pokemon.

That ended really abruptly. Was there an error that cut off the rest of the story?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12943601/1/The-Wanderer

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic to avoid this problem. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

[Story where ash doesn’t get Pikachu but a different Pokémon instead and sets out to become champion]

This can describe literally thousands of stories on this site. You need a more unique hook than “Ash gets a different starter”. You could say what the different starter is, at least.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

This is a mess. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12946705/1/Pokemon-Fanfiction-Lost-Foundation

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic to avoid this problem. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

[over 2 years since]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader. Also, a new speaker means a new paragraph.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12946723/1/Immortal

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

This is full of errors and misspellings. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12946747/1/Withered-Flower

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[(Ultra Necrozma is hardest battle ever XD)]

Including author’s notes in the middle of a story is not a good idea. Stories run on immersion and suspension of disbelief; interrupting the story and pointing to the wires shatters that, much like an actor breaking character in a theater production.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

This is full of many strange errors that make it hard to follow. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12946789/1/Pokemon-Rewrite

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12946859/1/Pokemon-A-Hero-s-Story

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

[After craving freedom for so long, he breaks out of his chains and begins a new life.]

Summaries should tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

Centering all your text makes it difficult to read.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

I should not have to tell you that “I” is capitalized and sentences need to end in punctuation. It is insulting to your readers that you thought this was acceptable to post. Put a bare minimum of effort into this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12947101/1/Homophobic-Ash

Blocked, previously reviewed. Anime.

2 Comments

  1. Keleri says:

    but I had to use the bathroom and

    I have aged ten years and this fandom is cancelled.

    1. Fortunately, it is now gone. I forget if Blaze defended it or not, she does occasionally exhibit standards.

      …What’s even more darkly amusing is that she has not shown up to defend that creepy Lyra/Lance fic, but someone else I pissed off a long time ago has.

      1

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