[20] The Other Pokereviews, Part 122

Today there’s a a fic that plays out the scene from Unoriginality 30 almost verbatim with absolutely no trace of irony.

Anime count: 14

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13031466/1/Master-Chronicles

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic to avoid this problem. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. This is the case even if you’re including Red, as he’s a blank slate character that can be inserted into anime canon without issue, while the anime characters have fixed personalities and backstories that aren’t compatible with the game universe.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[Perhaps the Rattata thought that his best interests laid with Red]

I appreicate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon, but you did so here.

[“You bet I do!” Exclaimed one Ash Ketchum]

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13030647/1/Trying-To-Win

Already covered by someone else. I’m not blocked.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13030640/1/A-Legend-Unleashed-Alola-Adventures

Blocked, previously encountered. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13030471/1/Lillie-to-the-rescue

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Also, sentences with dialogue need punctuation just like other sentences.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13030469/1/Hunted

The way Nate talks about fear here is interesting, as in your previous story. I really do think you should check out The Magnus Archives; it’s a horror story *about* fear, if that makes sense, and the ways people relate to it. It might give you some ideas to use in these fics.

This felt like it dragged a little – Nate feels like too logical an actor, and spends too much time thinking everything through rationally. If the point of his attraction is that it’s based around fear, I think it would me more effective for his narration to take a more emotional tone; that would better help the reader connect with him and get into his headspace, if you showed his fear and feelings rather than just having him think to himself that he feels afraid.

Taking place over multiple days also felt unnecessary – if they’re going to effortlessly subvert his defenses anyway, it seems like something we don’t need to spend time on. And if he has that much time, it raises the question of why he doesn’t try to do more, such as calling his neighbors or making sure he’s not home alone. It would be a reasonable personality trait for him to be so self-absorbed he wants to do everything on his own, but since he mentions hoping the neighbors will help him in the initial chase, he doesn’t seem like that kind of person.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13030036/1/Pokemon-The-Grand-Journey

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

[This fanfiction has several amazing pokemon and characters including several regions, even some legendary pokemon! Read this fanfiction to find out more! Check often for updates and added chapters to this amazing journey.]

This kind of information should go in your author’s note. The summary is best for telling what the story itself is about, as that’s what will interest your readers. Right now, all this tells us is that it’s a pokemon journey story, which is a genre that numbers in the tens of thousands.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. Start where your plot starts; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event.

Relatedly… The Pokemon games are not well-suited to stories, as their plots are largely just vehicles for making you fight a bunch of battles which, while cool in a game where you’re actually playing through them, are not interesting to read about. If you want to make a story out of the game’s badge quest formula, you’ll need to diverge heavily from canon and introduce a ton of unique elements of your own. Notice how the anime and manga did this, and note also that they were still visual media that could fall back on cool, flashy battles, while you won’t be able to. Do you have some unique spin on the game’s plot, some unusual interpretation of the setting you want to explore? Try focusing on that.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13029927/1/Lusamine-Loves-Bullies

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

[The older blonde]

You’re overusing epithets. When you are writing a story and refer to a character by a physical trait, occupation, age, or any other attribute, rather than that character’s name, you are bringing the reader’s attention to that particular attribute. That can be used quite effectively to help your reader to focus on key details with just a few words. However, if the fact that the character is “the brunette,” “the trainer,” “the older man,” etc. is not relevant to that moment in the story, this will only distract the reader from the purpose of the scene. If your only reason for referring to a character this way is to avoid using his or her name or a pronoun too much, don’t do it. You’re fixing a problem that actually isn’t one. Just go ahead and use the name or pronoun again. It’ll be good.

[The Aether President watched her child meekly walked away from her, knowing better than to argue.]

That sounds really out-of-character for Gladion.

[his cock that, deep down, she could’ve sworn was the length of her forearm]

I’m not sure why you think this is remotely sexy.

Also, given that Ken is presumably close to Gladion’s age, you should probably tag this as underage, or explicitly say that he’s an 18-year-old bullying a 12-year-old for some reason.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13029859/1/Ash-trades-tauros

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic to avoid this problem. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[Sinnoh]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13029793/1/Paint-The-Pictures

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13029620/1/A-Pokemon-Battle

Blocked, previously encountered. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13029428/1/Thorns-of-Life

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[He was handed but no one dared to bother him.]

I’m not sure what this means.

Internet documents don’t let you make indents, so paragraph divisions aren’t always clear. Most people separate their paragraphs with double spaces to accomplish this.

[‘Guess this is home tonight,’ he thought.]

You shouldn’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

The sentences here are rather on the short side, which makes the writing feel a bit stale. I encourage you to try varying your sentences a little more, and including more imagery and metaphor. Published books have lots of great examples of how to keep even minor description interesting, if you’d like some examples to work from.

Even by the standards of AUs, this doesn’t really have anything to do with Pokemon. If your pokemon characters are acting exactly like humans, why not write them as humans? I strongly recommend publishing this as original fiction with an “inspired by” label on the top instead.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13029260/1/Adventures-in-Ursia

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13029126/1/the-butterfree-effect

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13029060/1/Police

Previously reviewed. I am not blocked.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13029011/1/Dela-s-Hoenn-Adventures

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

[“He was called to the gym.” Caroline replied]

[“It’s definitely different here, that’s for sure.” Dela replied]

You’re generally formatting dialogue correctly, but you made mistakes here.

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced “ock”, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

[rolled 3 tiny balls]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

[the paniced questions]

You want “panicked”.

This is well-written. You add a lot of dynamic energy to the games’ scenes and give Dela a good personality. Unfortunately, I am a little worried about this story’s long-term viability. The Pokemon games are not well-suited to novelizations, as their plots are largely just vehicles for making you fight a bunch of battles which, while cool in a game where you’re actually playing through them, are not interesting to read about. If you want to make a story out of it, you’ll need to diverge heavily from canon and introduce a ton of unique elements of your own. Notice how the anime and manga did this, and note also that they were still visual media that could fall back on cool, flashy battles, while you won’t be able to. Do you have some unique spin on the game’s plot, some unusual interpretation of the setting you want to explore? Try focusing on that, and you’ll have an easier time carrying this story to the end.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13028981/1/Pokemon-Up-in-Flames

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing the word “pokemon” itself, but species names shouldn’t be capitalized either, for the same reasons.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You’re formatting dialogue inconsistently. In case you’re confused, the full rules are: Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[I jumped out of bed, took a shower, and slid into a pair of jeans, a black short sleeve shirt, and my favorite red jacket.]

I understand the urge to explain basic information to the reader to set the stage, but opening the story with description or exposition is actually not a good idea. Readers don’t actually need to know this stuff just yet to enjoy the story; things like how the character acts and what they’re doing matter much more in the long run. Show don’t tell, etc. This early on, you should stick to information that is immediately relevant. More minor details can come after readers have gotten invested.

[My dad then stepped forward with a box wrapped in pokeball-themed wrapping paper]

Missing punctuation here.

[“Would you like a nickname?” I asked. Cyndaquil nodded.

“How about Flame?”

“Cynda,” Cyndaquil said. Translation: no.

“Okay, how about Pyro?” I asked.

“Cynda da cyndaquil,” Cyndaquil said. Translation: you’re naming skills need work.

“Ooh, I know. What about Blaze?” I asked.

Cyndaquil paused for a moment and then said, “Da-Cynda!” Translation: I’ll take it.]

Uh… why? That name is no less ridiculous than the previous two. I really recommend reading chapter 30 of the story “Unoriginality 1: An Original Trainer Story”, as it discusses what’s weird about this.

So, here’s the thing. The Pokemon games are not well-suited to novelizations, as their plots are largely just vehicles for making you fight a bunch of battles which, while cool in a game where you’re actually playing through them, are not interesting to read about. If you want to make a story out of it, you’ll need to diverge heavily from canon and introduce a ton of unique elements of your own. Notice how the anime and manga did this, and note also that they were still visual media that could fall back on cool, flashy battles, while you won’t be able to. Do you have some unique spin on the game’s plot, some unusual interpretation of the setting you want to explore? Try focusing on that.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13028769/1/Double-Trouble-4-Mew-Returns

This is anime fic and should be labeled as such so people searching for anime fic can find it. You can do this by selecting your story in “Manage Stories” and selecting “Anime” in the World menu.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13031643/1/A-Pleasant-Walk-Through-The-Park

Blocked, previously reviewed. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13031655/1/Wake-up-Ash

Blocked, previously reviewed. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13031743/1/Pokemon-Trainer-High-School

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You don’t need to open with a list of characters. It should be clear who’s in the story just from reading it.

You don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context. It’s also generally not a good idea to switch POVs in the same chapter; stories are stronger when there’s a single perspective we can get attached to.

A new speaker requires a new paragraph. Not following this rule makes your dialogue too much work to follow for me to continue reading.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13031961/1/My-Journey-Through-Aloha

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.

[AU. Ai Hato begins her journey through Aloha. But she soon learns that there is darkness hiding in the sunny region.]

The same goes for this summary. Summaries should tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context. It’s also not a good idea to switch POVs in the same chapter; stories are stronger if we have time to get attached to one perspective at a time.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

So, here’s the thing. The Pokemon games are not well-suited to novelizations, as even Sun and Moon’s plots are largely just vehicles for making you fight a bunch of battles which, while cool in a game where you’re actually playing through them, are not interesting to read about. If you want to make a story out of it, you’ll need to diverge heavily from canon and introduce a ton of unique elements of your own. Notice how the anime and manga did this, and note also that they were still visual media that could fall back on cool, flashy battles, while you won’t be able to. Do you have some unique spin on the game’s plot, some unusual interpretation of the setting you want to explore? Try focusing on that.

In particular, everyone reading this has already played the games and has seen the opening, so repeating the opening is rather unnecessary. It’s okay to skip to the parts you really want to write about – that’s the great thing about fanfic!

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13032200/1/Forming-Stars

Blocked, previously encountered.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13032488/1/Pokemon-an-epic-journey-kanto-arc

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic to avoid this problem. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

Not using paragraphs makes me not want to read your story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13028496/1/Pokemon-Betrayed-Ash

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[(A.N.: Ash is an Aura user so can understand what Pokémon are saying.)]

Including author’s notes in the middle of a story is not a good idea. Stories run on immersion and suspension of disbelief; interrupting the story and pointing to the wires shatters that, much like an actor breaking character in a theater production. This information should go in the author’s note at the top of your story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13027840/1/Take-Back-What-Is-Yours

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

Your dialogue seems to be missing a space before the start quotes. This sometimes happens if you import a document directly into the document manager.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[“I thought I told you not to question me, Lucario”]

Missing punctuation here.

[Nine years prior…]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13027701/1/A-hero-s-return

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

A list of pokemon Ash has is not a story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13027698/1/Pokemon-Ultra-Alola

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Including author’s notes in the middle of a story is not a good idea. Stories run on immersion and suspension of disbelief; interrupting the story and pointing to the wires shatters that, much like an actor breaking character in a theater production.

I can tell you love the anime, but screenwriting simply doesn’t convey the same effect as seeing an actual show in action. If you want to make a fan-vid, you should make a fan-vid, but otherwise, you should stick to prose. You have to accept the limitations of this medium.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13026440/1/THE-GUARDIAN-OF-AURA

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.

[Hey guys back with another story this one is about ash Ketchum being wiser stronger and smarter oh and of course an aura guardian.]

At a certain point, you really need to ask yourself why you’re so uncomfortable admitting you want to write about an OC that you have to staple Ash’s face over theirs. Just write about your OC. Trying to force this to hit the same beats as canon to justify it being Ash will just cheapen the changes you’ve made and make the entire thing more boring as you take what could be an original plotline and hammer it back into the same shape as always.

[Team rocket]

All parts of a name are capitalized, so this should be “Team Rocket”.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13026126/1/Together-Again

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

A new speaker requires a new paragraph.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13033070/1/The-Prodigy

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

One Comment

  1. Ghost says:

    his cock that, deep down, she could’ve sworn was the length of her forearm

    Why why why why why? That’s not sexy at all and I doubt she’d think that way of a random dude… This feels like MA cringe that’s there for no reason.

    Uh… why? That name is no less ridiculous than the previous two. I really recommend reading chapter 30 of the story “Unoriginality 1: An Original Trainer Story”, as it discusses what’s weird about this.

    I went and checked the story Elmo linked and holy crap, it’s like they copy pasted it and then tweaked it a bit

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