[19] The Other Pokereviews, Part 125

In which someone uses finally uses “they” pronouns for a legendary. We also get an idiot mad scientist who sees no downside to making a supersoldier that hates him. One of these days I’d like to see one of those stories where they don’t abuse the experimental monster, just for the novelty.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13046500/1/Times-Have-Changed

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[In the current year of 2025. Time travel is used regularly and recreationally.]

These are sentence fragments. You should change that period to a comma.

[While on one of his scouting missions, he becomes attached to a female Vaporeon from a future era which is forbidden]

Conversely, there should be a comma before “which” here. As a general rule of thumb, if you naturally find yourself taking a short pause when reading a sentence out loud, a comma should go there.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[Lucc had a nano camera built into his right eye so that his trainer could see whatever he saw, though there wasn’t any audio transfer.]

They can figure out time travel, but not audio transfer? I mean, we have audio transfer in real life. Have for quite some time now.

The prose here is a bit stilted and awkward – you jump between concepts a lot with very little transition, and that makes things hard to follow. You’re also making a lot of comma mistakes. I recommend getting a beta reader to help you.

Even by the standards of AUs, this doesn’t really have anything to do with Pokemon. If your pokemon characters are acting exactly like humans, why not write them as humans? I strongly recommend publishing this as original fiction with an “inspired by” label on the top instead.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13046576/1/Altered-Rebirth

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

[Making my way to a small and crowded apartment amongst all of these people was a young twenty year old adult, wearing a jean jacket with several buttons upon it, darker blue jeans so I could wear jeans without looking like a walking jean product, and a black beanie.]

This doesn’t make sense unless he’s narrating so someone else in the story. Do you casually list exactly what you’re wearing and why in your normal train of thought? I understand the urge to explain basic information to the reader to set the stage, but opening the story with description or exposition is actually not a good idea. Readers don’t actually need to know this stuff just yet to enjoy the story; things like how the character acts and what they’re doing matter much more in the long run. Show don’t tell, etc. This early on, you should stick to information that is immediately relevant. More minor details can come after readers have gotten invested.

[Now, I know you’re probably wondering why you would want to read the story of a guy who is average in every way possible, seeing as you’re probably here for some kind of life-changing adventure or something to read and keep you awake a bit longer.

Well, as stated before, this day had started normal. But then, everything changed (cliche, right?)

My name is Jack Mcgrath, and this story starts with how I died.

Well, with you now either intrigued or frustrated with the fact that my story is going to be another of those “reborn in another world” types of stories that anime and manga love to attack, I guess I’ll just get started with my story.]

This is filler. If you’re complaining that the story is boring, chances are your readers are too. What does this add to the story? Is there any reason we couldn’t have gotten straight into the action?

The same applies to the opening bits about him walking home from school and such. Unless his mundane life is going to be relevant to his life in the Pokemon world, there’s no reason to care about such details. You should get to your inciting event as soon as possible, since that’s why people are reading.

[my first game having been fire red for the gameboy advance]

“FireRed” should be capitalized here, since it’s an official product with a name.

Random muggers are a pretty contrived way of killing the character; violent crime has dropped precipitously in recent years, and besides that this doesn’t add anything meaningful to the story. It just looks like you needed a plot device to get him killed and couldn’t think of anything more thematically relevant. I mean, why doesn’t the guy take his valuable DS? If the means of death isn’t important, it’s fine to leave it ambiguous and just start with the guy in Pokeworld. Like I was getting at before, you don’t need to feel obligated to cover every mundane detail. Readers are smart enough to fill in blanks when necessary.

(Nor do you even need death to be the mechanism that brings him into the pokeworld; that trope is pretty overdone at this point.)

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[snake like]

This should be hyphenated, like all compound adjectives.

[Lets just say]

Missing apostrophe here.

I appreciate that you’re using neutral pronouns for Giratina.

[line break~]

You can add explicit lines in the editor, or through the hr tag if you’re importing raw HTML.

[As I rushed forwards, I suddenly felt my foot push me back, before pushing me forwards in a feint, with a form of darkness surrounding my being as I slammed into the bars, knocking them forwards and releasing me from the cage.]

Why did Rook think this would hold him?

This runs straight into the age-old problem that making a supersoldier that hates you is a stupid idea if you’re not 100% certain you can keep it controlled. In canon, we see that the Mewtwo scientists had extensive containment measures, and they still didn’t work. Surely Rook is aware of what a disaster it was the last time people tried this, and would be smart enough to try something different? It could have been clever if you had him learn the wrong lesson and use containment designed for a psychic-type – which would, of course, be totally ineffective against a dark-type. But ranting about how powerful this thing will be followed by deciding an ordinary cage would be totally sufficient just makes him look like an idiot.

[I shook my head. “I’m not a killer. Never even thought about killing anyone, and I refuse to now.”]

[…]

[Sure, the fire might kill Rook, but it wouldn’t be me specifically killing him]

Wow, he’s an awful person. He broke Rook’s spine. He can’t escape. The guy will absolutely die from this, and it will be a horrible, agonizing death, because that’s what deaths by fire are like. How on Earth is that more moral than cleanly snapping his neck or whatever?

[the corpses of people, pokemon, and monstrosities]

You do realize this is implying pokemon aren’t people, yes?

This chapter felt like it was really burying the lede. I don’t see what him being from the real world adds to any of this – it would be just as reasonable for an ordinary trainer to get captured and experimented on. Not only would that let you get to the action much sooner, it would allow you to extend this chapter and show us how he’s going to live with this new experience – since that’s presumably going to be the point of the story, it’s rather important to give some preview of it. Right now, this chapter feels insubstantial despite its length.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13046585/1/Truth-goes-huh

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

Trolling is supposed to be entertaining. Try harder.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13046949/1/The-Calm-Before-the-Storm

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13046978/1/The-Champion

Covered by Talarc. I am not blocked.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13047234/1/When-Worlds-Fall-Together

This doesn’t seem to be showing up under anime fic, so you’re missing out on readers searching for it. You can tag your story as anime through the “worlds” section when you select your story under “Manage Stories”.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13047269/1/The-Mightyena-Pack

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Reviewed by Talarc.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13047303/1/I-ll-have-vengeance-for-my-trainers

Previously reviewed, not blocked.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13047655/1/An-Amphibious-Romance

Blocked, previously reviewed. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13047939/1/Stay-Series-Kalos

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Reviewed by Talarc.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13048237/1/Locked-Away

Covered by Talarc. I’m not blocked.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13048279/1/Zero-to-Hero

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

[This will be heavy AU, and I plan to converge the animeverse with the gameverse, meddling the storylines and some characters as well.]

How, exactly? The Kanto games have basically no plot. I don’t see what elements you can add that would make this not anime fic.

If you use horizontal lines to separate author notes, you should probably use a different marker for scene transitions, to avoid making your notes look like part of the story.

[Vermilion City – Graveyard]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

[A youngster; no older than ten, with raven black hair partially covered by a worn out and discolored black woolen cap, wearing a plain black long-sleeved shirt, navy blue plain trousers and finally some worn out white shoes with red details, was kneeling to the grassy field that hosted many tombstones.]

I understand the urge to explain basic information to the reader to set the stage, but opening the story with description or exposition is actually not a good idea. Readers don’t actually need to know this stuff just yet to enjoy the story; things like how the character acts and what they’re doing matter much more in the long run. Show don’t tell, etc. This early on, you should stick to information that is immediately relevant. More minor details can come after readers have gotten invested.

At a certain point, you really need to ask yourself why you’re so uncomfortable admitting you want to write about an OC that you have to staple Ash’s face over theirs. Just write about your OC. Trying to force this to hit the same beats as canon to justify it being Ash will just cheapen the changes you’ve made and make the entire thing more boring as you take what could be an original plotline and hammer it back into the same shape as always.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[standing at about 5’9″ feet (181 centimeters)]

If you’re giving height to the exact inch, that’s not “about”. This is generally not a good idea anyway, because people can’t pull up an immediate mental image for exact measurements. More general descriptions, like “average/tall/short height” are actually better for helping readers visualize people.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Also, speech tags need punctuation like any other sentence.

[The raven haired boy]

You’re using this epithet way too often. When you are writing a story and refer to a character by a physical trait, occupation, age, or any other attribute, rather than that character’s name, you are bringing the reader’s attention to that particular attribute. That can be used quite effectively to help your reader to focus on key details with just a few words. However, if the fact that the character is “the brunette,” “the trainer,” “the older man,” etc. is not relevant to that moment in the story, this will only distract the reader from the purpose of the scene. If your only reason for referring to a character this way is to avoid using his or her name or a pronoun too much, don’t do it. You’re fixing a problem that actually isn’t one. Just go ahead and use the name or pronoun again. It’ll be good.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13047914/1/Family-Ties

If you’re taking suggestions via review, that’s considered interactive fic and puts this story at risk for deletion. You should specify suggestions must be sent through PM to avoid this.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

I don’t see what this has to do with Pokemon. Your characters are acting exactly like humans who happen to have some anthro traits, which means they may as well be original fantasy creatures.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13048652/1/Black-and-White

Non-story chapters are banned on this site. This should go in your author’s note, above your first chapter.

[This lemon revolves around Black/Hilbert(although I will be calling him Hilbert the whole time, as will the characters in the story) and his adventures through Unova. Some things will be changed, such as character personalites, for humor sake and to shake the story up a bit.]

Summaries should tell us more than just the genre. What are you changing, specifically? The games, even Black and White, have pretty minimalist plots that will require a lot of your own additions if you want to carry a whole story. What will make your story unique – and thus attractive to readers – are those additions, so you should make those clear. Lead with your best foot forward, advertise your best qualities, etc.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13048652/2/Black-and-White

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[“Was I late again? Soooooooorry!” She apologized]

Dialogue formatting remains the same regardless of punctuation. So this should be [“Was I late again? Soooooooorry!” she apologized], since “apologized” is a speech verb.

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. This isn’t even a complete scene, and with the exception of the change hinted at towards the end, it’s one we’re already familiar with.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13048745/1/POK%C3%89MON-Bring-Down-the-Sky

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[The lack of casualties was considered a miracle as strangely, no one, not even the country’s top oceanographers predicted the storm hit with complete surprise.]

This sentence is confusing, and feels like it’s missing pieces. It sounds like you meant to say something like “…no one, not even the country’s top oceanographers, predicted the storm. It hit with complete surprise.” Basically, you have two separate thoughts here.

[route 130]

The route locations are names, so this should be “Route 130”, in the same way you capitalize street names.

[They temporarily halted progress to head out and investigate but before the workers could even step foot]

This needs a comma before “but”. You have similar comma errors throughout, and they make some sentences hard to follow. You may want to get a beta reader to help you with this.

[by both Floods and Earthquakes]

These shouldn’t be capitalized.

[Shortly after the Strom passed]

Typo, and that also shouldn’t be capitalized.

[Ever Grande Island was the highest point in all of eastern Hoenn.]

The paragraph starting with this sentence is a wall of text that makes me not want to read further. You need to break this up into more paragraphs.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Also, a new speaker requires a new paragraph.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13048911/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Reset-Bloodlines-Red-Five-Island-Interlude

Reset Bloodlines.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13048949/1/Eclipse-at-Sunset

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. This isn’t even a full scene.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13049217/1/Humble-Beginnings

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

[Not everyone’s first day of being a Pokemon Trainer goes as smoothly as they want. Just ask Tanner Riverton. Follow how he got his start on a journey to be the best.]

Summaries should tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot? Trainerfic is frequently plagued by plotless meandering that burns out after only a few chapters. If you have a special idea that’s going to set you out from the crowd, you should lead with that so readers know that’s not going to be the case here.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

You don’t need to title the story in the text itself.

[Professor Oak’s Pokémon Laboratory, Pallet town…]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

[tones of Pokémon]

You want “tons”, no E.

[“Dodge and use Scratch Charmander!” retaliated Tanner.]

That’s not what retaliated means. You’re overusing uncommon speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever fancy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

[“Nice try Charmander, we’ll get em next time” He said]

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[SNAP!]

This isn’t a comic book. Sound effects should be described in prose.

A trainer stumbling over eevee the moment they leave town is a really tired and cliché trope, and eevee themselves are very overused pokemon. This sends the message that Tanner is just going to get whatever he wants when he needs it and that you’re picking pokemon based on how cool they are, not because they make for an interesting story. I could be wrong, but that’s the assumption people are going to make based on this. If you have a legitimate reason for this cliché to happen, you should signify that it has greater significance. If not, you should maybe rethink this section.

Your characters have a bit more personality than is usual for trainerfic, but this still doesn’t raise high hopes for this story’s long-term viability. What you should understand is the Pokemon games are not a good model for prose stories, as their plots are largely just vehicles for making you fight a bunch of battles which, while cool in a game where you’re actually playing through them, are not interesting to read about. If you want to make a story out of it, you’ll need to diverge heavily from canon and introduce a ton of unique elements of your own. Notice how the anime and manga did this, and note also that they were still visual media that could fall back on cool, flashy battles, while you won’t be able to. Do you have some unique spin on the game’s plot, some unusual interpretation of the setting you want to explore? Try focusing on that.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13049718/1/Knavish

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13049798/1/The-Snowbelle-City-Case

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing the word “pokemon” itself. However, species names shouldn’t be capitalized either, for the same reasons.

[Snowbelle city]

All parts of a name are capitalized, so this should be “Snowbelle City”.

[*RUMBLE*]

This isn’t a comic book. Sound effects should be described in prose.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[I’M A RANGER FOR ARCEUS’ SAKE!]

Why would a Kalosian be swearing by a Sinnohan god? Arceus isn’t the Judeo-Christian God and it’s really ethnocentric to pigeonhole it into the role. It’s fine to just use “God”.

[The dusty blonde man put his glove back on]

You want “blond”. “Blonde” is the feminine form.

[A normal pokeball consisted of three things: a compliance regulator, stasis field, and a registration chip. The stasis field was the energy that shot out, turning a pokemon into data to be contained within the ball. The compliance regulator altered this data so that the pokemon caught would be friendly toward those who caught it, and not attack. The registration chip sent out a signal that registered this particular pokemon’s data throughout a universally used netcode to show who caught it, creating a failsafe that made it to where it could not be captured by somebody else until released, which cancelled this function.]

Okay, so… this is why I’m normally hesitant about pokephilia romances. If pokemon are legitimately on equal footing to humans, it’s fine. But if you are using *literal mind control* on them, it runs headlong into all manner of ethical and consent issues. At best they’re second-class citizens who can have their personalities rewritten at the whim of humans, at worst this is outright slavery. If you’re interested in exploring those power dynamics and consent issues, more power to you, but it’s really creepy to see this glossed over like it’s not an issue.

[This field could capture anything with a pulse, not only pokemon, and turn them into data to be stored within the ball, so they could be used in the apprehension of not only unruly pokemon, but humans that break the law as well.]

And oh boy, looks like we’re going full-on dystopia too. The government having power to shove anyone they don’t like in stasis capsules is nightmarish. (I also find it rather hypocritical that the ones designed to be used on humans don’t have the mind control aspect.)

[but 4 sick pokemon]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

Otherwise, this is pretty good. I like that you’re starting with a nonstandard premise and characters who are established professionals. Huge pauses for exposition usually throw me out of the story, but you managed to make them very relevant and obscure enough that most people truly would need an explanation. I do feel like this chapter ends pretty abruptly, though – because you spend so much time on exposition and backstory, not a lot actually happens, and ending with just the implication that there will be action next chapter is a little lackluster.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13050066/1/From-Hell-to-Heaven

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

[War…war is hell.]

When referring to the singular place, “Hell” is capitalized.

[Camera pans to the right, passing a trench wall into a corridor where a man is beating another’s head with a rock.]

This isn’t a video game. There is no camera here. If you want to write in prose, you need to use prose descriptions.

[Wether to defend their lands]

Typo.

[Or because they are the oppressors, the WW1 German flag is seen, waving in all its “glory” in a clear, blue sky.]

You do know the Nazis didn’t come to power until WW2, right? The Germans were no more “oppressors” than their opponents in WW1. The horror of WW1 was that there was no “good” or “bad” side and the whole thing was pointless. It was a very different scenario from WW2.

[But there was one, maybe by some cosmic coincidence, maybe by a higher power, or maybe by, sheer, dumb luck, manage to escape this hell.]

Dropped a word; this sentence has no subject. “Who managed to escape…”?

[a, at least in his case, Gewher .95, and a machete-sword. They are lethal in melee range, and 25 to 80 meters with their rifle.]

My eyes glaze over when people start listing gun trivia. It’s great that you have an interest in something, but a big part of writing and communication is how to adapt your interests into a form that’s relevant and enjoyable to the average everyman. For instance, I don’t know what a Gewher .95 looks like or why it’s relevant here. Is it standard issue, or is it custom and therefore says something about his character that he chose it? What are the pros and cons to its use, i.e. what options does it allow or limit him? In sum, is this information going to be directly relevant to the story? If not… maybe consider going light on it, and focusing on the parts that are relevant. Conservation of detail and all that.

[A 6′ 4″ man]

Counterintuitively, giving exact measurements actually makes it harder for readers to visualize things, because most people can’t immediately draw up a picture for what this looks like. It’s better if you start with a more literal description, like “he was tall”, and flesh it out with imagery and details that tell us more about the character.

[“Captain America” muscles]

Captain America didn’t exist until WW2. It really sounds like you want to be writing about WW2.

[With a trench coat the color that his hair is, a black t-shirt with a dark brown leather bandolier (Holding his grenades), dark brown leather cargo-like pants, and black combat boots with a flexible safety toe, made this man look like the proper badass he is. And let’s not forget the satchel like bag tied unto the left side of his belt, containing his K-Rounds, (AP Rounds).

A optimistic, but strict, serious personality, made this man unique. But, don’t be fooled, hes a force to be reckoned with when ordered to be, or when you threaten the ones he holds in a “higher standing” than others. Or if you are a human trafficker, then he will kill you without warning.]

I understand the urge to explain basic information to the reader to set the stage, but opening the story with description or exposition is actually not a good idea. Readers don’t actually need to know this stuff just yet to enjoy the story; things like how the character acts and what they’re doing matter much more in the long run. Show don’t tell, etc. This early on, you should stick to information that is immediately relevant. More minor details can come after readers have gotten invested.

You also have quite a few typos throughout this.

And… quite frankly, this makes him sound like a Mary Sue. When even the narrator can’t stop talking about how totally awesome a character is, it starts sounding a little silly. It’s better if you show, rather than tell.

Speaking of which, this is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. This read more like a teaser for the story – something you’d see on the back cover of a book, for instance – than actual content. Your summary says he will end up in the Pokemon world, so presumably that’s where the real story will take place and what the main story will be about. So… why not just start there? This information doesn’t seem like it will matter very much, if most of the story is going to be in another world entirely.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13050189/1/Pokemon-the-Eternal-Darkness

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13050217/1/White-Roses

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

[But it would be, supposedly good for him.]

It sounds like there should be a comma after “supposedly” here.

[the incubator and it’s egg]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

[Once into the room, where his luggage had been settled prior the leaving of the bay, Rosaiah placed the incubator and it’s egg down. He hardly trusted the waves to not jostle and crack it.]

You shift into past tense here, which is odd when the rest of the story is in present. You do this a few times throughout the story, which is confusing. I do often find it all too easy myself to slip into past tense when trying to write in present, but it pays to keep an eye on things to make sure they’re consistent.

[one of the Professor’s there]

You don’t need that apostrophe there; apostrophes are for possessives, not plurals. “Professor” also isn’t a proper noun and shouldn’t be capitalized when it’s not part of a name.

[Even managing to set up connections with breeders in other regions.]

This is a sentence fragment.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[“Sorry,” A hand is extended to her]

When narration doesn’t describe how something is said, it’s its own sentence and is punctuated accordingly. So this should be [“Sorry.” A hand is extended to her]

This looks like a setup, but this looks a bit insubstantial for a first chapter. (“Prologue” is inaccurate here, unless this is significantly separated from the main narrative in some way.) Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. Right now we know a few background details about the character and his immediate goals, but not much in the way of a plot or what this story will be about. The summary mentions him getting “caught up in something he really wishes he hadn’t” – I presume that’s the inciting event that will drive most of the plot, so it’d be a good idea to reach that point in the first chapter so passerby will have a good idea of what the rest of the story will be like.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13050274/1/My-Version-of-Chuggaanela

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

What on Earth is this about? If it’s part of a larger universe, please link to it in the description.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13050310/1/Pokemon-Adventure-s-Indigo-Plateau

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.

[Summary: Our story begins with three brave young men in search of their destinies within the world of Pokemon. Together they will experience many trials to overcome, romance, tragedies, rivalries, and many dangers along the way. Working together as a team our heroes will discover the world is full of mysteries waiting to be discovered, but upon making these discoveries they will f]

Relatedly, you might want to pick a more original summary. Summaries should tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot? (This also got cut off.)

I guarantee you do not need a speech key. If basic actions aren’t obvious from context, something has gone more wrong than a key can fix. It’s also generally unwise to use single quotes for thoughts, as they look too similar to the quote marks used for dialogue, and thus make it look like characters are talking out loud. Bolding pokemon attacks is not at all necessary either, and like all bold, just looks very distracting in prose.

[Character Ages

Shu – 19

Sam – 16

Logan – 16

Beca – 16

Pairings

Shu x ?

Sam x ?

Logan x ?

Beca x ?]

Similarly, this isn’t necessary either. If the information is relevant, it should come up in the story.

If you use horizontal lines to separate your author’s notes, you might want to use a different marker for scene breaks; otherwise, your notes can look like part of the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[the sound of Pidgey’s chirping]

Apostrophes are for possessives, never plurals. Fandom generally agrees that pokemon names work as plural nouns – so “the sound of pidgey chirping” would be fine here.

Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, thousands upon thousands of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.

[Shu stood at 5’8ft tall, he had jet black hair, jade black eyes, he wore black combat boots, grey cargo shorts, black coat with a hood, a black t-shirt underneath, black & red fingerless gloves, silver rimmed glasses, and grey hat.]

I understand the urge to explain basic information to the reader to set the stage, but opening the story with description or exposition is actually not a good idea. Readers don’t actually need to know this stuff just yet to enjoy the story; things like how the character acts and what they’re doing matter much more in the long run. Show don’t tell, etc. This early on, you should stick to information that is immediately relevant. More minor details can come after readers have gotten invested.

Relatedly, exact measurements are ironically harder for the reader to picture, because people don’t often have a mental image for exact measurements. More general descriptions, like “above-average height”, work better and allow you to work in more fanciful details.

[Scene Change – Center of Town]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

[Looking to Sam he asked “Hey Sam what do think our starters will be like?”]

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[the standard Pokemon we give as starters consisted of Charmander, Bulbasaur, and Squirtle]

That’s actually not true. Only Elm gives starters as a standard package. In RBY, Oak gives you the starters because you’re friends with his grandson, not because he gives them to everyone.

[As a Pokemon trainer, you are responsible for raising and training your Pokemon. Any report of you neglecting or abusing your Pokemon in any way will have your trainer license suspended and your starter taken. As you travel throughout the various regions you will be able to take up many different professions. These Professions consist of Trainer, Coordinator, Researcher, and Breeder. You don’t just have to pick one profession to work with: you can choose several of these. As a trainer you will be able to take the gym challenge and then participate in the Pokemon League. The Gym challenge is where a trainer travels across the region challenging special trainers called Gym Leaders. Upon beating said gym leader you will obtain a badge, once you collect the appropriate number of badges then you can challenge the Pokemon League. Though a Pokemon Coordinator will participate in contests to obtain ribbons, once they obtain the right number of ribbons they will gain the title of top coordinator. Pokemon Researchers and Breeders are as stated in the name.]

Everyone reading this is already familiar with the canon already. You don’t need to repeat basic setting information.

[it’s sharp fangs]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

[“I was wondering Professor, what would be the closest Gym to Pallet Town?” Professor Oak smiled at the boy.

“Well Sam]

The reason you’re told to start a new paragraph with a new speaker is actually because that’s an extension of the general rule that a new paragraph corresponds to a new subject, and a speaker is a new subject. With that in mind, it’s good form to put even non-speaking actions on the same line as dialogue when you switch to a new speaker. So [Professor Oak smiled at the boy.] could go on the second line here, before the dialogue, and it would look more natural.

[Author’s Note: Hey guys this is my second story I made is about what my friends and I Pokemon Adventures would be like.]

That’s a very reasonable premise for a story… but the thing is, the standard pokemon journey isn’t well-suited to a story. The Pokemon games are not well-suited to novelizations, as their plots are largely just vehicles for making you fight a bunch of battles which, while cool in a game where you’re actually playing through them, are not interesting to read about. If you want to make a story out of it, you’ll need to diverge heavily from canon and introduce a ton of unique elements of your own. Notice how the anime and manga did this, and note also that they were still visual media that could fall back on cool, flashy battles, while you won’t be able to.

Your summary implies that you do have something interesting planned, but I don’t see hide nor hair of it in this chapter. If that’s the part you’re interested in, you don’t actually have to go through every aspect of the journey leading up to it. It’s okay to start in the middle of things, with an established trainer already midway through their journey. Since your readers are already familiar with how pokemon trainers work, it won’t be confusing.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13050467/1/Dream-No-More

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

[any ways this is a story for more mature people if you know what I mean]

Then it should be rated M, not T.

[Every Once in awhile i will ask for people to send me characters for me to do if you want to.]

Look, you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. It might seem like it’s harder to think up characters than have someone else do it for you, but it’s actually far more work to try to figure out how to write a random batch of personalities and backstories, then figure out how you can make them fit into your story and get along with each other. If you make up characters based on what you need for your story, it’s not only a much better story for it, it’s easier to do. Almost all SYOC stories end up never updating, those that do often die after a chapter or two, and even the ones that continue a bit longer are plagued by meandering non-plots and characters who don’t seem to have any point to their scenes. If you just want general inspiration, it’s better to check out lists of public OCs and find ones that you know will work well with the story. Here’s one: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/128021680/1/Character-Bio-Thread

[some rip off and flew through the air]

The rest of the story is in present tense, so this should be as well.

[I small pink shape flies from my chest]

I think you meant to say “A”, not “I”.

There are many similar strange misspellings and word substitutions throughout this, and it makes the story very difficult to follow. I recommend getting a beta reader to help you if you have trouble with this.

[This is sort of a teaser for my new story]

Non-story content isn’t allowed on this site. Don’t post until you have a full chapter.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13050474/1/Contest-of-The-Heart-AU

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13050700/1/The-Road-Less-Traveled

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

[Fourth, trainers start their journeys at the age of 16 here; the idea of sending prepubescent children out into the world alone is beyond idiotic]

But sentient ice cream cones that shoot laser beams, that’s so reasonable?

I know it may seem unrealistic to us that kids can go backpacking across a country filled with magic monsters and not die, but that is canon, and indeed that optimism is what makes Pokemon unique. There are tons of fantasy stories about grizzled veterans fighting terrible monsters if that’s what I wanted to read. The Fun Police aren’t going to take away your Very Serious Adult badge if you need to suspend your disbelief a little. It’ll be okay.

If you genuinely want to explore a darker story and setting, that’s okay too, but acknowledge it’s an artistic choice and not objectively smarter or more realistic.

[Halfway through his eighth year, Delia Ketchum died.]

…And you know, if we’re going to talk about realism and intelligence, fridging the mom is an incredibly dumb and cliché trope. I can see how orphaning Ash is necessary for your plot to work, but by this point you’ve so thoroughly transformed Ash that you may as well be writing an OC. At a certain point, you really need to ask yourself why you’re so uncomfortable admitting you want to write about an OC that you have to staple Ash’s face over theirs. Just write about your OC. Trying to force this to hit the same beats as canon to justify it being Ash will just cheapen the changes you’ve made and make the entire thing more boring as you take what could be an original plotline and hammer it back into the same shape as always.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13050869/1/From-the-Edges-of-Our-Eyes

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[Brimming with people, Pokemon, and excitement]

So pokemon aren’t people?

[Thankfully, with how messy the work could get, I didn’t have a uniform so I was simply wearing jean shorts and an over-sized T-shirt]

This needs a comma after “uniform”. Also, I thought the point of uniforms for messy work was to shield your actual clothes?

[The sound kept growing and growing until you could hear them in every direction]

The general you sounds awkward when the narrator isn’t literally talking to someone – changing this to “until I could hear them…” would help us better get into the narrator’s head.

[Or at least focused enough on gather wealth]

Looks like that should be “gathering”.

[going in to fight against Arceus knows how many]

Why would a Johtoan be swearing by a Sinnohan deity? Using Arceus in place of God sounds ridiculous and has no basis in canon. It’s fine to just use “God”.

[I went quiet for a minute only to repeat the same prompt over and over]

Sounds like that should be “It”, not “I”.

[Even if I didn’t agree with Team Rocket’s stance on Pokemon treatment]

That’s rather odd phrasing. It’s less “stance on” and more “actual practice” – they’re not a political group, they’re criminals actively abusing pokemon.

This was a good snippet, and I like the idea of this collection.

15 Comments

  1. JackPK says:

    “My Version of Chuggaanela”

    Story’s been deleted, but judging by the title, it looks like a RPF shipping fic about Chuggaaconroy and MasaeAnela, a pair of popular Let’s Players on Youtube who often collaborate, sometimes on Pokemon game LPs, and have an extremely creepy and vocal fanbase wanting them to get into a relationship. Why on earth this would be posted in the Pokemon category when that’s only a subset of their popular activities is beyond me.

    Sadly, I have seen enough fic not to be surprised at the existence of RPF shipping fic about obscure not-even-celebrities in the first place.

  2. Ghost says:

    One of these days I’d like to see one of those stories where they don’t abuse the experimental monster, just for the novelty.

    But then that wouldn’t be fun to read, would it? Which means I’m gonna write it.

    1. Well, there are all sorts of interesting things you could do with it. Maybe the experiment thinks they’re going to backstab it and becomes a paranoid mess, splintering off to create their own side anyway. Maybe the experiment has a genuine philosophical disagreement with its creators and decides to rebel for actually complex reasons. Maybe you can do a cool transhumanist thing where the experiment is accepted as a person and gets up to all sorts of cool superhero shenanigans working for the scientists/the government/whatever. Maybe the heroes can try to play to tropes and turn the experiment against the mad scientist, only for that to blow up in their faces when it turns out the experiment is 110% on board with what the scientist is doing because the scientist actually did the work on getting it on board because they weren’t an idiot.

       

      Really, “poor abused experimental monster” is so overdone at this point that just about anything else will be more interesting.

      1. Ghost says:

        I was honestly thinking more along the lines of “Scientists create experiment to help protect people and experiment does job well, but then rogue scientist takes control and convinces it to do bad things because it helps good people”, but a transhuman would be interesting to write about, tbh.

        Edit: it’s up. Not saying what it is called since I’m not a twit who promotes my stories on other people’s stuff but you’ll know it when you see it. :p

    2. Keleri says:

      I think it’s creepier when they’re kind/”kind” to the experimented-on kid/animal anyway, brrrrrrr.

      1
  3. Sinitrena says:
    Gewher .95  doesn’t seem to exist, as far as I can tell, but I don’t think it is made up either.  I’m no expert, but I do speak German and this looks like a misspelling of the German word “Gewehr” (it’s German and a noun, so it’s always capitalized), which just means rifle.
    2
    1. Talarc says:

      I did a bit of digging and found that it is actually a real weapon – the Mannlicher M1895, which is called the Infanterie Repetier-Gewehr M.95 in German according to Wikipedia. It was used by the Austro-Hungarian Empire, but not by Germany, in the FIrst World War, so the fact that an American was using the weapon on the Western Front in the fic was historically inaccurate and reeks of the “I use this cool and awesome weapon in mulitplayer on Battlefield 1, so my cool and awesome character has to as well” mentality. 

      1
      1. Ghost says:

        It’s amazing how quickly a story can go from “this is an interesting story” to “oh, it’s just slapping random historical names on stuff with no actual research” when people do a little bit of research 

        1
      2. CrazyEd says:

        I can’t check the story itself, because it was seemingly deleted, but it may just’ve been a typo. The G98 was the standard infantry rifle of German forces in World War 1.

        That said, while I was looking to see if BF1 had the M95 in it, I discovered that “K-bullets” is a in-game gadget that increases damage or something, so. Yeah.

        1. Ghost says:

          K-bullets does more damage to vehicles in exchange for less range. Sort of like an early version of armour piercing ammo. Was that an actual thing in WW1 or no?

          1. CrazyEd says:

            Apparently, though I can’t say how widespread they were. Sorry, but World War 1 is not my speciality. But from what I’ve been told about the game, Battlefield 1 took basically everything that had ever been even designed in the era of WW1 and treated it like it’d seen mainline battle use, like the fucking Pederson Device of all things. So who knows.

            1. Ghost says:

              Well, they had to have some variety otherwise there would have been like three gadgets :p

              Reply
        2. Talarc says:

          I can’t check the story itself, because it was seemingly deleted

          It was reuploaded, if you wanted to check for yourself. 

  4. Keleri says:

    Nitpick: Not sure if it’s the canonical demonym, but Sinnohan would have a glottal stop in it (Sin-o’an) which is awkward in english. “Sinnonian” (drop the h, which is for pronounciation anyway) rolls off the tongue a bit better. (compare Torontonian from Toronto… but for Ohio it’s Ohioan so gaaaaaah forget it lol)

    1. JackPK says:
      Apparently (at least, according to Bulbapedia), flavor text in a shop in Sun and Moon does indeed confirm Sinnohan as the canonical term.
      2

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