[19] The Other Pokereviews, Part 126

Some more original openings today.

Anime count: 12

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13051034/1/Cloak-of-Reeds

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Says they’re discouraged by lack of reviews.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13051513/1/Alola-Destiny

Blocked. Name is familiar but I have no reviews on their stories. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13051531/1/Ash-s-Naked-Birthday

Blocked, previously encountered. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/u/1501057/RandomFavoriteCouples

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13051645/1/Scorch-Strife

Fire4Heaven is a sockpuppet and a pathological liar with a grudge against me, as explained in my profile. Now, then…

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

[I capitalise species names. Personally, I prefer it with a capital, English be damned. I’m not a fan of Pokémon names with lowercase first letters. Whilst I have no intention of deterring you from reading, I do want you to know that whether or not you review and state anything regarding this, know that I’m already aware of that. I don’t really want to change it, either.]

My only question is why. Do you feel it makes for a better story? I feel that capitalizing species names, like capitalizing any common noun, is confusing and disorienting in a story, doubly so when people often use species names as given names for particular pokemon.

If you use horizontal lines to separate your author’s notes, it might be a better idea to use a different marker for scene transitions; otherwise, your notes can look like part of the story.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[His Pokémon exhaled, leaning their head onto his trainer,]

You switch pronouns here. Did you mean to refer to Valken as “he” or “they”?

[Veritei simply smiled – Valken deserves a rest.]

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well. Anything with no special markers is assumed to be story narration – if you want to show thoughts in present, they should have a special marker, such as italics.

[only barely heard by the male]

Only animal researchers refer to things as “the male” or “the female”. This is a very awkward and unnecessary epithet.

[“That was an awesome match. You had me on my toes almost the entire time.” Veritei exclaimed]

That sounds like a very even statement, not an exclamation. You’re overusing uncommon speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever fancy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

Talking pokemon are an enormous can of worms you shouldn’t open unless you have a very good explanation for why one group of people is being owned by another group of people. For instance,

[“Thank you all. For all your hard work. To achieve what few could hope for. Thank you.”]

It’s nice of him to acknowledge they worked hard for this too, but is that actually reflected in the rewards? Veritei gets a trophy and accolades from this. What do his pokemon get? Why are they choosing to put in so much hard work for this? For this to be an equal partnership, those questions must be answered.

[Especially since the humans’ conference or competition thing if over.]

Looks like there was a typo here.

Any particular reason you’ve chosen female for Reshiram’s gender?

[She didn’t really like some of the trainers there, some of the are just way too rough.]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition. This also has the issue of being in present tense.

[it’s body]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

[Prod. Prod.]

This isn’t a comic book. Actions should be described in prose.

[“What would happen? Elite Four run-in? Champion giving advice?” Questioned Lynx, albeit very sarcastically.]

“Questioned” is what police do; it’s a synonym for “interrogated”, not “asked”.

[As if on queue]

You want “cue”. A queue is a line.

This is pretty good. I like that you’re starting with an established trainer, and you’re making the pokemon into actual characters who are engaging with real dialogue with the trainer. However, I feel like this is slow in parts – people spend a lot of time talking about what they’re doing, hashing out minute details, and expositing, even when it’s not totally necessary. The battle is quite good in its detail and the clever tactics used, but it takes quite a while to get there. A bit more time spent on action and description might make this stronger.

This would in turn give you more space to add more plot and continue the story. I do feel like this cut off a little abruptly – I trust that you have a good reason for giving your protagonist a legendary right off the bat, but it would help to know what specific reason Reshiram has for joining him or what geas she will place on him, to avoid him looking like too much of a Mary Sue.

It’s also very confusing to jump perspectives a lot, especially during the battle. I feel the battle would be more tense if we only got Valken’s thoughts, and Reshiram’s strategy remained a mystery obstacle for him to overcome.

I would also recommend getting a beta reader to help you with the tense issues I pointed out.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13051909/1/Encyclopedia-Poketannica

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13051943/1/Return-of-the-Betrayed-Warrior

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

[Pallet town]

All parts of a name are capitalized, so this should be “Pallet Town”.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Also, a new speaker requires a new paragraph.

[(look I don’t know any other tall mountain that ash can go to, but I promise there won’t be any of the Lucario aura guardian stuff)]

Including author’s notes in the middle of a story is not a good idea. Stories run on immersion and suspension of disbelief; interrupting the story and pointing to the wires shatters that, much like an actor breaking character in a theater production.

[Time skip: after reaching Mt. Silver…]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

You don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13051945/1/Pokemon-Alola-Academy-Super

This doesn’t seem to be showing up under anime fic, so you’re depriving yourself of potential readers at the moment. You should label your story in the “worlds” dropdown in your story panel so people searching for anime fic can find it.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13052412/1/More-than-I-bargand-for-a-jolteon-x-sylveon-fanfic

It is extremely rude and inconsiderate to your readers that you thought this unreadable mess was acceptable to post. Put a bare minimum of effort into this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13052514/1/The-Story-of-Lenny

Fire4Heaven is a sockpuppet and a pathological liar with a grudge against me, as explained in my profile. Now, then…

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[The Kalos league]

You capitalize “League” elsewhere, so this looks strange. Aim for consistency.

[their trainer’s throwing in commands]

Errant apostrophe here.

The description of the battle is nice.

[the entire Weather Trio]

Using game terminology for things always feels awkward to me – it’s just a quirk of the franchise that legendaries always come in threes and are given simple nicknames. In a world where these beings actually exist and are real dangers, I’d think people would come up with more varied names – and especially given some of them are revered as gods, you’d think people would want to distinguish them from those other gods those heathens worship over there, rather than emphasizing similarities.

[The man glanced at Lenny for a few seconds, trying to find any features that would make him seem like he was lying, but all he found was fear. Over the years, the man learned how to read emotions very well, due to his work.]

This is a little awkward, since the story up to this point has been spent in Lenny’s head and you’ve made no indicator of changing perspective. Stories are generally stronger if we stick with one perspective – if we only had Lenny’s analysis and speculation of the man’s behavior, for instance, that would help us empathize with him and amp up the tension here.

[He only wanted to have a normal Pokemon journey, but things never turn out the way he would like.]

Ha. That’s an unusual stance, but it does occur to me that it makes sense for someone in the PC’s role to feel that way. It’s interesting to think about the creep in stakes and epics as compared to the original games.

That said, though, Lenny seems to have recovered from a near-death experience and the death of an innocent bystander awfully quickly. Perhaps you mean to show how desensitized he is to all this, but the whiplash is still pretty strong.

[The Prism Tower had been a monument in the Kalos region, since the moment it was built, attracting exponential amounts of visitors annually.]

Woah, exponential? How long has the tower been around? At an exponential rate, you’d run out of people pretty fast.

[Lenny was currently standing right in front of the professor’s laboratory, preparing to sign his contract to compete in the Kalos League for the season.]

Hmm.

I actually find it rather odd that everyone assumes all professors are plugged into the league system. The player character’s experiences aren’t necessarily universal; certainly, not everyone can be getting the same starters as you, given their rarity among other trainers. It doesn’t actually make a lot of sense for professors to be middlemen for the League itself like this – I mean, what are they getting out of it? If they’re anything like professors in our world, the professors should be very busy people. It’s explicitly said that giving the starters to the PC is to help with their research, and with the expectation that the PC will send data back. But how does signing people up for a sports competition help with their research? Even if they are specifically studying the effects of tournaments on pokemon or something like that, they shouldn’t need to do the League’s job for them.

[the professor greeted warmly S he walked over]

Something went wrong here.

[Sycamore grinned at Lenny before he spoke.

“Well]

Ah, there’s a little thing here: The “new speaker means new paragraph” rule is actually an extension of a new paragraph correlating with a new subject: it’s the speaker that’s the new subject, not the dialogue. It’s actually clearer to read if you put a speaker’s actions on the same line as their dialogue, even if the action isn’t directly related.

[“Twenty-five million seems like quite a lot, considering I’m only fifteen, right?”]

Is that in pokedollars (yen), or euros?

[“However, this specific Ralts is a male,” Professor Sycamore added at the last second with a laugh. “If you want to turn him into a Gardevoir, by all means, go ahead, but I’d strongly advise against it.”]

…Why? Males aren’t any worse at being gardevoir, and to my knowledge gardevoir are actually more favored in competitive battling. This should only matter if he actually wants a gallade.

[“I choose the Ralts.”

Professor Sycamore let out a laugh.

“To be honest, I’m surprised you didn’t choose the Larvitar,” he said. “If I’ve given anyone else this option, they’ve would’ve chosen her in a heartbeat.”]

Eh… no, if other fic is anything to go by, most people would choose the ralts. Ralts are extremely overused pokemon, and it looks kinda Sueish that you’re handing your protagonist one so easily. It’s not even good as a starter, even if it can eventually evolve into a powerhouse. You may have a good reason for doing this, but I do advise moderation when dealing with overused tropes.

[When are we going to begin training, Lenny? a soft voice spoke in Lenny’s mind.]

Woah woah woah, pokemon can talk in this? That’s a huge bombshell to just drop in. Talking pokemon are an enormous can of worms you shouldn’t open unless you have a very good explanation for why one group of people is being owned by another group of people. If pokemon are demonstrably sapient and possess human-level intelligence, why are they carted around like objects? Why didn’t the ralts get any say on whether it wanted to go with Lenny? Why do they need humans to give them orders at all; what are they getting out of the trainer system?

Is this a continuation of another work? I sort of get the impression I should be familiar with these characters and events already. Regardless, it is nice to see a story about an established trainer. I do have to wonder where this is going, though. Stories that are just about battles and tournaments tend to fizzle, because battles aren’t inherently interesting to read about the same way they’re inherently interesting to play or watch. You have decent characterization so far, but I do hope you have something bigger planned to tie it all together – if the worst possibility facing the character is just that he loses some prestige, there’s not a lot of tension.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13052602/1/From-The-Beginning

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13052629/1/Shattered-heart

Blocked, previously reviewed. They have no reviews, because Blaze already got what she wanted out of them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13052718/1/Wtf-I-m-in-pokemon

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13052724/1/Alone

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

[“You’re right.” she replied with a smile.]

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13053558/1/Pokedex-Alola-Edition

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

A drabble is a word for something written and edited to be precisely 100 words. It’s a writing exercise, not a term for any kind of short story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym. Or kahuna, which isn’t even capitalized in the games.

This is pretty good. It sounds plausible, and is a good extension on the pokedex entry.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13053684/1/One-Night

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13053691/1/Blue-Skies-and-Silver-Linings

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

[Lance Corporal Hammond was sitting at one of the old desks that had been donated by a local shelter; the unit was still so new that the funding for even the simplest of office supplies such as desks or chairs or even a box of pens was still tied up in all kinds of funding red tape. Getting it untangled and the funding from the overseeing higher command available was taking longer than expected and causing all amounts of grief from the Commanding Officer downwards.]

Huh. You know, I’ve seen a lot of military-based fic that’s just tedious power fantasy and gun obsession, but I’m really liking the way you’re portraying the military here. Stuff like this really humanizes them, and including everyday nuisances among the important military stuff rounds out the story and makes it easier to relate to the characters.

[The town she currently worked in was almost an hour away from the closest base, where she and the others were forced to bed down in. But the town surrounding her place of work had similar venues as her first duty station did. There was only one local bar, aptly and perhaps a smidge ironically named The Watering Hole; a Marcus Majestic branch-off theater down the street from The Watering Hole that was locally nicknamed The Pic Flicks; a Piggly Wiggly grocery store; a barber and hair salon shop in the shopping strip next to that called Hair Done Right; a Chinese delivery food place called The Wong Place; two tailor shops whose names escaped her; a small vet clinic; and lastly a little pet store called Big Al’s that sold both pet supplies and pets. That was all down the main street of the town.

Further on down the road, there was a few local credit unions, a Well’s Fargo, a small library, a nail salon, a Domino’s pizza place that was booming with business, an antique shop, and a Walmart sat at the very edge of the town. The same military base that was nearly an hour away was shared with their fellow service members from the other branches. Primarily, it was an army base, but there were those from other branches that lived there as well.

The town surrounding the base, therefore, was a hodgepodge haven for these members, who simply crawled about through every place of business and then some.]

This, though, seems a bit overdescribed – I assume the specifics of each building aren’t going to be important to the plot, in which case it’s not necessary to go into this much detail. We can take your word for it if you just say how good the town was.

[“What?” She finally grumbled back.]

Dialogue formatting rules remain the same regardless of punctuation, so this should be [“What?” she finally grumbled back.]

[“Haven’t heard shit,” Sergeant Montoya grinned.]

Also, when narration doesn’t describe how something is said, it’s its own sentence and is punctuated accordingly. So this should be [“Haven’t heard shit.” Sergeant Montoya grinned.]

I am liking how you’re portraying Hawkins. It’s good to see that her colleagues aren’t constantly throwing sexism in her face and that she herself isn’t an emotionless warrior woman, but there’s a fair acknowledgment of other sexism she has to deal with too.

[So she held her breathe]

You want “breath”.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

This is technically well-written; you’re including a lot of detail, your character voices are realistic, and scenes flow fairly well. However, I feel that this is much too slow at the moment, especially for a first chapter. I’ve seen a lot of “normal person falls into the pokeworld”, and they all seem to spend most of their first chapters on Earth, with the shift to pokeworld only happening at the end… and usually that’s all they start with, no second chapter, so I have no idea what the story’s actually going to be about or if it’ll be something I’m interested in. A lot of the details given in this chapter seem unnecessary and irrelevant to the greater story – after all, the story is going to be about what she does in the pokeworld, right? I think the story would be stronger if you started in medias res with her in the pokeworld – important backstory details like her being a Marine could be mentioned quickly in exposition without much problem.

What you have so far definitely looks interesting, though; you’re using a very different protagonist from normal, and an unusual opening as well.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13053734/1/The-Muse-of-Massacre

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[I heard that the site has been right before so it’s worth keeping to…” the trainer scowled,]

When narration doesn’t describe how something is said, it’s its own sentence and is punctuated accordingly. So this should be [I heard that the site has been right before so it’s worth keeping to…” The trainer scowled,]

[Meloetta placed its hands against her chest]

Do you mean to use “it” or “her” pronouns for Meloetta? Either one works, but be consistent.

[like all the others tried.?]

Errant period here.

[He saw flashes of things that had happened to her; beaten, malested, even being crudely defiled.]

You want “molested”, and including rape is really not necessary here.

[PLEASE MAKE THIS ST0P!]

You have a zero instead of an O here.

I don’t really see the point of this. It just seems like gore porn.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13054019/1/The-Merge-Of-Both-Worlds

Blocked, previously reviewed. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13054349/1/Theta-Emerald-Nuzlocke

Blocked, MeganSH. She is now claiming a completely new group of people are cyberbullying her.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13054653/1/The-Infinity-League-Origins

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[“…I have them.” Oak said]

You have a period instead of a comma here.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[“Garchomp is very fast,” Cynthia grinned.]

When narration doesn’t describe how something is said, it’s its own sentence and is punctuated accordingly. So this should be [“Garchomp is very fast.” Cynthia grinned.]

Posting multiple chapters in the same document is against the site rules.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13054685/1/Gemstones

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

Your summary should tell us what the story is about.

You don’t need to to title your story in the story body itself.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

There doesn’t seem to be much here. Why does the eevee want to evolve? How does it feel about evolving? What exactly is going on here? These are the emotional details that make stories engaging.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13054894/1/Smoke-and-Shadow

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[If they stand with you, respect they stand as your enemy, show them no mercy.]

I think something went wrong here.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”]

[An odd mantra considering my job David pondered.]

The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, such as here.

[our response was to catching them, training them, battling them, raising them, studying them]

You seem to have gotten verb tenses mixed up here.

[the sound softened only by the sound of the wind]

Repeating sounds sounds awkward. It can be difficult, but it’s best if you can structure sentences so you don’t reuse sounds and words close together.

[Unfastening himself from one of the many seats in the troop bay David stood up and moved closer to the open aft door making sure he held the bulkhead tightly]

You need commas after “bay” and “door” here.

I’ll stop pointing out these errors, but know that they are very distracting. You should brush up on grammar knowledge, and/or get a beta reader to help you.

[OH MY ARCEUS]

Using Arceus in place of God sounds ridiculous and has no basis in canon. It’s fine to just use “God”. This doesn’t even make sense; the Greeks didn’t say “Oh my Zeus”.

[A team whose sole objective is targeting gangs and organisations famed for stealing pokemon, but what happens to pokemon that were not taken from a trainer? What happens if a pokemon falls for him? Will he be able to return those feelings?]

As with many things, this depends on execution. A lot of pokephilia stories have unexamined issues of consent and power dynamics. Based on the canon setup, humans have a lot of power over pokemon: they can stuff them in stasis capsules whenever they feel like it, trade or transport them anywhere without consulting them, and they have complete control over their diet and physiological needs. A lot of pokemon end up emotionally and psychologically dependent on their trainer as well, especially if they were caught at a young age. If you want to write a truly wholesome romance between a pokemon and a human, you will need to address these issues, either by homebrewing a less controlling model for the trainer system or by taking pains to establish that this particular human really is treating the pokemon like an equal.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13054947/1/Earth-s-Protectors-The-Rise-of-Deoxys

Part of a series. I’m not blocked.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13055078/1/The-Forest-Champion

Previously reviewed, not blocked.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13055180/1/Rivalry-of-lovers

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

[Story is about ash and misty]

That can be gathered from the character tags. What’s unique about this story that sets it apart from the many, many stories about Ash and Misty on this site?

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

Script format is banned on this site, and as such this story is at risk for deletion. You should switch to prose format.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13055326/1/NidoWorld

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13055461/1/A-Santalune-Story

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

[Basically a whole bunch of OC’s with brief mentions of actual Pokèmon characters. Rated T for maybe language. Contains LGBTQ characters.]

Okay, but what’s it actually about? Especially if it’s OC-centric, you’ll need to advertise the plot well to get attention.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[It was a luminous day. I awoke to the smell of bacon and pancakes. I went downstairs and saw mum’s Eevee eating all of the food. I realized I didn’t have a shirt on so I went upstairs to my closet to put one on. After I looked for ten minutes I asked my mum where some shirts were.]

Your sentence structure is very repetitive. Note that almost all of these sentences are simple clauses that start with “I verbed”. It can be difficult, but try mixing it up a little in your writing – it’ll make your stories more engaging.

Furthermore… opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, thousands upon thousands of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.

[Hold on, allow me to describe myself. I’m twelve years old. I have purple eyes and like hoodies and torn jeans. My hair is naturally in an emo style and I’m five foot-two. I grew up in Britain so I have an accent, my skin is pale white like the moon, and I’m bisexual, meaning I like guys and girls.]

This is very odd and awkward – how often do you pause in the middle of your morning routine to describe yourself? This isn’t really necessary. I understand the urge to explain basic information to the reader to set the stage, but opening the story with description or exposition is actually not a good idea. Readers don’t actually need to know this stuff just yet to enjoy the story; things like how the character acts and what they’re doing matter much more in the long run. Show don’t tell, etc. This early on, you should stick to information that is immediately relevant. More minor details can come after readers have gotten invested.

Also, would a twelve-year-old really be that knowledgeable and comfortable about their sexuality? That seems a bit unrealistic.

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. Start where your plot starts; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13055552/1/A-Special-Bond

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

[Outside the Pokemon school]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

You don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Bolding attack names is unnecessary and distracting. Again, this isn’t a video game.

[(Not real time in the anime)]

Including author’s notes in the middle of a story is not a good idea. Stories run on immersion and suspension of disbelief; interrupting the story and pointing to the wires shatters that, much like an actor breaking character in a theater production.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13055676/1/Skinny-With-A-Price

Blocked, previously encountered. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13055940/1/A-Morning-Walk

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

[This story contains smut and rape. If you do not want to read that then stop now.]

You should probably add this in the summary so people bothered by this don’t have to click through at all, especially since your summary is rather vague.

…And given how lovingly you describe the fennekin’s innocence and immaturity, you should probably also tag this as underage. I don’t care if you technically don’t intend the fennekin as underage, that’s absolutely the fetish you’re writing this as.

[It would be getting colder in the upcoming weeks, she knew these were the last days she had to enjoy the Autumn weather.]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition. Seasons also don’t need to be capitalized.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13056015/1/Pikabui

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13056019/1/Criminals-With-Determination

[One more thing, this story is slightly AU. I say this because I’m going to be mixing in events from the games, anime, and even a teeny bit of the Pokemon Adventures manga.]

I still feel like this should be tagged as anime (in the “worlds” menu on your story page) if it’s primarily centered on an anime character. It sounds like someone who hasn’t seen the games or anime can still follow this, but if the story is based around an anime character, people unfamiliar with the anime can’t.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[I officially joined about 3 months ago]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13056125/1/Pokemon-The-Multiverse

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

[When a mysterious meteor hits a uninhabited island a new region was created. New pokemon, new moves and a whole new world! Follow Nereo on his journey to greatness!]

Summaries should tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

Centering text makes it difficult to read.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

I should not have to tell you that “I” is capitalized. Put a bare minimum of effort into this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13056280/1/The-World-of-Pokemon-Kanto

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

[We’ve all had that dream though, right? To spend a year out of your life, in the world of Pokemon, to become a champion. Well that dream became a reality for me.]

And…? Summaries should tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

[Okay, we are all familliar with this intro, let’s just get to the point. Hi, I’m Daisuke (David in English) and I am a 10 year old reincarnate of the pokemon world. What? Seriously? Cliche fanfiction scenario much? Well this isn’t a fanfiction written by an inexperienced writer or anything… I think? Ok time to get back on track, where was I? Oh right, I remember watching this Anime, reading the manga, playing the Games and TCG along with other Anime, Cartoons, Manga and Games. I don’t remember much of anything else though. The first thing I remember was waking up with a baby Zorua in the Kanto region. This sounds like one of those SI fic where the writer gives himself his favorite pokemon.]

You need to learn how to write stories. They’re more than just chatting with your audience.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Also, a new speaker requires a new paragraph.

If Ash is in this, this is anime fic and should be labeled as such.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13056304/1/Astral-Genealogy-A-Pok%C3%A9mon-Fanfiction

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[“So far, so good,” the Kommo-o thought]

You shouldn’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[a dusty sky that refused to let through even a spec of sunlight]

You want “speck”. A spec is a setting.

[“There. We’re almost there now, so don’t even think about opening your mouth to anyone,” he commanded, twisting his head to glance back at the carriage. He could just about make out the single passenger whimpering within, a lone Clefairy that seemed to do her best to avoid looking at him. “We’ve long lost your little heroes, so don’t bother trying to cry out or anything. If you do, I’ll have more than enough time to make you regret it.”]

Why would she even need to cry for help? She has a 4x type advantage and his strongest attacks can’t affect her at all. Even if she’s far weaker than he is, she doesn’t need to faint him – one attack while he’s distracted navigating this difficult terrain and he’ll probably be stunned long enough for her to get away.

You’re writing this like the standard waifish-princess-captured-by-burly-tough setup, but that just doesn’t apply to Pokemon. If you’re making the choice to write in a fandom instead of your own fantasy setting, you need to think about how that will change things.

[He had to take a moment to catch his breath before looking at who had spoken; giving a relieved sigh that it was a Zoroark.]

This is improper semicolon usage. As a general rule of thumb, you should be able to replace semicolons with periods and still have the resulting sentences make sense; for instance, what I’m doing here. You want a comma here.

[Jyararanga’s face tightened, “I said, okay? Do you understand?”]

When narration doesn’t describe how something is said, it’s its own sentence and is punctuated accordingly. So this should be [Jyararanga’s face tightened. “I said, okay? Do you understand?”]

[“I-uh-um-yes, okay,” she huffed]

“Huffed” seems like a really odd word to use here, since it typically conveys annoyance and terseness, and you’ve portrayed her as being scared out of her wits.

[Everything of the walls and floor]

Did you mean to use “of” here?

[“Oh, whoa! I’ve never seen you before, when did you get here?” one of the kids asked]

The jump here is a little unclear – you mention that the kids are getting closer, but not that they actually come into the room.

[“No, no, look!” the first Oshawott objected excitedly]

You’re overusing uncommon speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever fancy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

[I don’t think dad would eat you]

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

[a Druddigon equipped with a helmet and a sword]

…How? They don’t have opposable thumbs. On top of that, druddigon skin is noted by the pokedex as being extremely tough already – giving armor to them instead of a squishier pokemon seems like a waste.

Even by the standards of AUs, this doesn’t really have anything to do with Pokemon. If your pokemon characters are acting exactly like humans, why not write them as humans? I strongly recommend publishing this as original fiction with an “inspired by” label on the top instead.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13055457/1/Unspoken

Part of a series, also seems to be focused on the human characters so I don’t really have anything to say. I’m not blocked.

22 Comments

  1. Roc says:
    [Fire4Heaven is a sockpuppet and a pathological liar with a grudge against me, as explained in my profile. Now, then…]

    Hmm… No offense, but I think it’s best to not add something like this in your reviews. Some authors can see this as you fighting them in the review section, which is the thing Hybrid/Blaze and their friends are guilty of.

    1. Roc says:
      Oh, and by “them”, I meant Blaze and friends.
    2. People were already saying I was starting fights just by existing, so you know, screw it. I tried to make it as unobtrustive and unthreatening as possible. If it leads to a worse reaction I’ll change it, but maybe it will lead to people at least clicking the link in my profile.

      1. Be warned that this changes a major rebuttal you’ve been able to use for years. Now, if you do choose to continue stating things like this, people will be able to truthfully say that you have — at least at one point in time — incited conflict in reviews. They’d use this unfairly, and won’t care about all the time that you’ve been tolerant of Blaze and co’s behavior. It’d be satisfying, but I think you lose out on more than you gain by loosening up in the platform you’ve stood by for so long, of not fighting in the reviews section.

        If this got to your head, take a break, man. I’m not active right now, and I can’t take your place right now, things aren’t that great on my end. But if this has gotten to you to the point where you would divert from the way you’ve been doing it, I’d take a moment to just breathe and think if that’s really the route you want to take. 

        Bear in mind that your sanity comes before their getting reviews. I don’t want to see anyone here run themselves ragged over reviews or anything review-related. 

        1. Now, if you do choose to continue stating things like this, people will be able to truthfully say that you have — at least at one point in time — incited conflict in reviews.

          No. I am not starting anything. That has always been and will continue to be true. I only put that message on stories where Blaze has already given out her warning. I am responding to the conflict she incited. Anyone blaming me for that would have blamed me for drawing conflict just by existing, as they already have been. Blaze has demonstrated she will counter-review no matter what, so this changes nothing.

          And you know what? It struck a nerve. Blaze edited her spam to respond to it, and in the process outed Fire4Heaven as a sockpuppet. This works and I will keep doing it.

          2
          1. Incited was the wrong word to use. Continued, then. The main objective of this group is to help people, right? I believe that furthering conflict in reviews will inconvenience people more than it could help them.

            Keeping a firm boundary in where is acceptable to speak of others is a policy that I think should remain in place. Even if you did strike a nerve, the point here is to help, not to strike back at Blaze, even if in doing so reveals a puppet most people who follow this conflict closely already figured out by now is a puppet. 

            Honestly, it sounds like this has gotten to you a bit. It might be a good idea just to take a breather. You’re doing something noble in giving good critique, but don’t let this spat with one insufferable FF user get to your head. I know they’ve been accusing you of stuff like that, but don’t change how you’d ordinarily behave just because people are predisposed to disliking you.

            We know you’re in the right, even if they don’t. That’s just going to have to be enough. “Be the bigger person” and all that. 

            1. Farla says:

              While it’s not much my style, the fact is Blaze pushes harder when she’s left alone but she really doesn’t like the sockpuppet thing. She’d started doing stuff like reviewing people four times (Fire4Heaven, KingPyle, lstwill56, Hybrid) and sometimes even more (dusted off the DB Second account for some reason, anon reviewing under Twenty4Seven, etc). There really isn’t much that’ll make people’s review sections worse at that point. She’ll either back off some of that to pretend they’re not sockpuppets or she’ll keep doing what she’s already doing anyway.

              Reply
            2. Act says:

              I’m on the other side — she wants a reaction, any reaction, and giving her that doesn’t seem worth ceding the moral high ground of being able to say you never once got into a review spat. I’d just continue to not counterengage, no matter how tempting it is.

              6
              Reply
            3. Act put it rather succinctly, in my opinion: “giving her that doesn’t seem worth ceding the moral high ground of being able to say you never once got into a review spat.” And all that besides, Blaze isn’t the only person who’s disagreed with our side of things, nor will she be the last. I’d rather keep our side well and clearly on the moral high ground so that future dissenters can look into the situation at hand and be able to more effectively see a side to this that isn’t just someone screaming negative things at people through the review button. Giving that up just to deal with one person seems like a bad trade-off, even if that one person is the single most obsessed person to ever haunt the pokemon archives. 

              Reply
            4. Honestly, it sounds like this has gotten to you a bit.

              No, it hasn’t. It’s annoying, but it hasn’t actually affected the way I do things.

              I honestly don’t think Blaze only wants a reaction from us at this point. We’ve been starving her for months and she just keeps pushing. She seems to get very genuinely upset when we bring up sockpuppetting. I think she really does want to destroy us, not just get a reaction. In that situation, defending my integrity is worthwhile.

              This isn’t about “the moral high ground”. None of the authors actually care about that, or even care enough to find out that there’s any moral conflict in the first place. Blaze makes up whatever she wants and people believe whatever they want. Again, you saw the responses I’ve got. People already think I’m inciting conflict by reviewing and not defending myself, so seriously, why not? Why not.

              Again, this worked. No one has bothered me about it so far, but Blaze absolutely lost it. If it gets a negative reaction later I’ll stop, but until then, this is an effective tactic.

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            5. Ultimately, the decision is yours. You do have a right to defend your integrity, but I will maintain the position that it still isn’t right to defend yourself in reviews. 

              “This isn’t about “the moral high ground”. None of the authors actually care about that, or even care enough to find out that there’s any moral conflict in the first place.”

              It kind of is about the moral high ground, though. I know Blaze doesn’t give a damn, and I know most people don’t give a damn, but I was once one of those assholes, you know? Having access to a side where I could see more than just someone trolling via review was something that helped me not only stop being a troll to your cause, but it led to a chain of events where I ended up helping out a bit. 

              I know most people won’t care to look deeply into it, but I’m one of those people that did. And stuff like your policy on transparency is what helped me to see that. It’s unfair to future FF users who actually do want to come in with an open mindset to willfully open a space in which Blaze could fill an author’s review section with another troll-review, just to give a rebuttal there. 

              At the end of the day, this isn’t about Blaze, this is about being able to help as many people as we can. One of the major complaints I had with the way you were doing things was in your delivery. The “preamble” helps with a lot of that, but continuing a fight would be counterproductive — it could potentially alienate people who could have been allies if they had just a little bit more incentive to listen to our side, instead of seeing what looks like (to them) two trolls duking it out over some poor author’s review section.

              It’s easy enough for people to mistake what you’re doing and what we’re all doing as simple abuse, trolling, etc. Blaze isn’t worth making it harder for the people who genuinely do want to get to the root of all this to understand the situation as a whole. 

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              1. Farla says:

                It’s unfair to future FF users who actually do want to come in with an open mindset to willfully open a space in which Blaze could fill an author’s review section with another troll-review, just to give a rebuttal there.

                Again, while it isn’t my style, this seems pretty alarmist. “Open a space” already applies to him leaving any review because Blaze will post a counter-review then have two other accounts come in to say something about how he’s a troll yes I also agree he’s a troll and they should’ve blocked him. We’ve seen what Blaze does to people who say they appreciate the concrit but not the warnings (…or even just says “thanks but no thanks” to the concrit) and it’s go ballistic at them with every account. Acknowledging what’s already going on for stories that got the initial spam warning, as one extra line on an actual review, that’s still meant as information for the author, is probably not going to be the breaking point here.

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            6. @Farla, I’m still against ceding the moral high ground, overall. I think that giving up the ability to state that you’ve never done something that can reasonably be assumed to be continuing an argument could be helpful in the short term, but what if this madness with Blaze ends? Bending one’s stance on how things are typically done — I’m fairly certain I’ve seen St Elmo’s Fire state on multiple occasions that he does not get into arguments in the reviews section, and doing this would render that statement null and void. A statement made to better combat one user isn’t a good trade-off. 

              I know Blaze is crazy, and she doesn’t show any signs of stopping now, but that doesn’t mean she has an infinite reservoir of energy to keep up with all this. It’s possible that Blaze won’t be an eternal plague on the FF forums. In that scenario, yes, Blaze is no longer a problem, but now those who have defended their honor inside of a review cannot say that they haven’t argued using the reviews section before, because even though the statement will have been directed at the author, to the average onlooker and maybe to the authors themselves, it could appear as though Elmo is just stirring the pot.

              Blaze certainly would take it that way. If she takes our mere existence as an affront, a statement directly addressing her insanity would probably incur even more ire from her, and even more reviews than she would normally make between all her alts. 

              I don’t think it’s being alarmist. People are already incredibly eager to see us as the villains of this scenario. Giving them something, anything, that could possibly be seen as stirring the pot is counterproductive to preventing people from thinking that we’re just trolls and disregarding valuable advice. 

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            7. Farla says:

              Arguing in reviews is the thing where two people review over and over to argue with each other instead of talking about the story, not an oath to never reference other reviews. People reference and disagree with past reviews all the time. The issue is having the conversation with the author vs cutting out the author on their own story to argue with a third party.

              Moral high ground requires a moral argument why one thing or another is actually better. It’s easy to see why mass reviewing everyone just to say Fire4Heaven is a sockpuppet and her warning is bullshit is disrespectful to authors and the purpose of the review system or why arguing back and forth with her counter-reviews is a bad idea. I don’t see the same argument for not ever referencing something happening as part of an actual review. Keeping quiet in general isn’t automatically moral and each time it’s been attempted here it’s accomplished nothing.

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            8. What Ghost said below makes it sound like Blaze has gone crazy– crazier than usual — over this, reviewing people with spam that she might ordinarily have passed over. Even if the reviews not going to be continued, you are still provoking Blaze because that’s just how she operates. She goes ballistic over this kind of stuff. I think the optimal thing here is the least number of people pestered by Blaze, and provoking her seems to have the opposite effect.

              The moral high ground here concerns how many people we risk Blaze targetting, but also to what degree. Even if she’s targetting a whole lot of people already, by making that statement, it’ll probably provoke her into making even more revenge-reviews. I get that you’re not going to be holding a series of back-and-forth in an author’s review section, but there will be the back-and-forth of Blaze’s review, then a review that provokes Blaze, then even more revenge-reviews from Blaze. Wouldn’t it be simpler to just PM people if we really wanted that information sent out? If you can review them, you should be able to PM them as well.

              Blaze’s obsession is absurd in scale, but that doesn’t mean we should make statements like she does, and post them all over the archive, all for the sake of discrediting her, just as she tries to discredit us. To an outsider, I’m pretty sure it would give the appearance of an enormous troll war. 

              We already have a reputation of being trolls. People from all over the internet, not just the FF forums, vilify us, especially you and St Elmo’s Fire, who have been around for longer and have made more reviews. The average person coming onto the scene won’t exercise a drop of critical thought and examine what’s being said/done in a review, and just see that the review was incentivizing to this user named Hybrid of Fate, and sure enough, Hybrid of Fate comes by to make more reviews.

              We need all the damage control we can afford just to be able to convince those actually willing to exercise a bit of rationality that we’re not trolls and that we’re actually trying to help. All the cards are stacked against the people of this group in regard to collecting sympathetic thought or just deflecting the underserved hate, which can result in people turning away advice that could have been of great help. That doesn’t mean we should make it any easier for our side to be disregarded though.

              My point in all this is that there’s probably a small number of people who can be convinced that we’re not evil. It’s not fair, it sucks that we have to jump through so many hoops just to get others to see the obvious, but that’s the situation that’s at hand. 

              All this being said, I can imagine it’s a great deal more aggravating for either you or St Elmo’s Fire than it is to me. You’ve been doing this for longer, and you’ve been a target of abuse for longer and more intensely than I’ve been. I’m not even actively reviewing right now. But what one member of this group does affects how everyone sees us. When I first came onto the scene as The Reeds of Enki, I hadn’t even made many posts, but people were already ousting me as evil doomlord #X in a Reddit post. I want the least amount of getting blocked before I can post a review as possible, something that would benefit us all when we go about our reviewing business. 

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            9. Act says:

              This got huge, but just to elaborate on my original post: I wasn’t referring to taking a moral stance of some kind for other people’s benefit, I was saying that for me personally, I think the feeling that I’d be engaging with her on her terms even if I didn’t want to, and thus would be on some level letting her control my behavior, would trump wanting to jab back at her in reviews specifically. Reviews are and should be for the benefit of the author and I think I’d feel ‘off’ about letting her corner me into engaging with her in that venue. I don’t think it’s wrong or lesser to tell people she’s a terrible person in general and I didn’t intend this to come off that way, because you absolutely have the right to tell your side of the story.

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      2. CrazyEd says:

        Personally, I would change the wording, though. “As explained in my profile” can sometimes give a “you should already know this” vibe. Perhaps inviting them to read your profile if they want to know more would work better? Something like: The full details are in my profile if you want to know the whole story, but Fire4Heaven is a sockpuppet and a pathological liar with a grudge against me.

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        1. Ghost says:

          Again, this worked. No one has bothered me about it so far, but Blaze absolutely lost it.

          He’s not kidding. She’s now ranting about ignoring anything Elmo says on stories he hasn’t even reviewed yet. 

          It might be a bad idea, but you can’t deny it’s hilarious to watch.

          1. Raven says:
            He’s not kidding. She’s now ranting about ignoring anything Elmo says on stories he hasn’t even reviewed yet. 

            Wasn’t she already doing that?

            1. Ghost says:

              Not to this degree, no. Before it was usually something like “Nice story. Please respond.” Now it’s “St Elmo’s Fire is a lying and a twat and you should ignore everything he says as it’s lying and you should block him because he’s lying.”

              She’s stopped for a short while now, so I’m guessing she’s actively trying to find legal ways of getting rid of us. In which case, I’d probably direct her to the Digital Homicide vs Jim Sterling case as proof that doing this legally won’t work :p

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      3. Keleri says:

        FWIW, I think Blaze is a bully, and bullies don’t stop because you ignore them. I think she deserves to have a light shone on her actions. She might not stop, but you pointing her out as an example of how not to be may influence and/or give strength to others.

  2. Ghost says:

    Wtf I’m in Pokémon got hit by Fire’s warning and left a review thanking him for it, hence the block.

    The first thing I remember was waking up with a baby Zorua in the Kanto region. This sounds like one of those SI fic where the writer gives himself his favorite pokemon

    This reads like an MST fic :/

    I feel that capitalizing species names, like capitalizing any common noun, is confusing and disorienting in a story, doubly so when people often use species names as given names for particular pokemon.

    So if all the Pokémon owned by trainers had nicknames, it’d be acceptable to capital species names? Or would it still be non-capitalized?

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