[19] The Other Pokereviews, Part 131

An author I liked before posted a new story! Pickings were otherwise pretty average. Even our token pokescrewing fic is only moderately creepy. There is one weird thing about the gods acting like high schoolers, though.

Anime count: 10

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13071912/1/Slow-Burning-Lights

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

This is also a rather general summary that doesn’t tell us much on what’s unique about the story. You should think about what sets your story apart from other journey fic and advertise that up-front.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

[“…”]

This is a visual art convention and doesn’t work in prose.

[brunette]

This is the feminine form; you want “brunet” for Syaoron.

[‘My own pokémon. It is really happening.’]

You shouldn’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[“And the sky is blue,”Syaoron chuckled quietly.]

Missing space, and “chuckled” isn’t a speech verb.

[“..I’ll choose]

This is short one period, if if was meant to be an ellipses.

The battle is rather simplistic, and feels like a literalization of a game fight – a mechanical exchange of blows in a void. Battles are more engaging if you can figure out ways to break out of that mold, such as nonstandard use of moves, dynamic attacks, and use of the environment. The anime has a few examples of this.

This is quite decent, but I don’t see much here that sets it apart from other journey fic. A journey for fame or trophies isn’t inherently interesting when we’re not participating ourselves. Think about the stakes here: what’s the worst that could happen on this journey? That Alana won’t make it to the championship, and be a little disappointed? That’s not terribly engaging, as stakes go. I’d recommend putting some more thought into Alana’s motivation and the potential consequences of her actions; this will also help flesh her out and turn her into a more interesting protagonist. Right now, “I want to do it because my dad was a famous trainer” is a pretty typical motivation that doesn’t tell us much about her personally.

For instance, in the journey fic “Gods and Demons”, which you can find in my favorites list, the “starting the journey” chapter involves the protagonist desperately scraping money together for a journey, and having to leave before she’s ready because a confrontation with her abusive guardians runs her out of the house. We see that she’s bitter, angry, desperate, and that going on a journey is a short-sighted decision that’s only kicking her real problems down the road. That gives us our stakes: it’s unlikely she’ll be accepted back in her home, so if she flames out, her situation could turn very dire. Likewise, it provides a plot hook: even after her journey is finished, she’ll need to think about her living situation and how she’s going to take care of herself in the future. While this example is probably darker than what you’re planning, it’s a useful model for how to make an effective journey fic opening, I think.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13072002/1/Beaks-and-the-moon

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[There once was a Rufflet who, for a while now, had been admiring the lunar Pokémon; Cresselia.]

This is improper semicolon usage. As a general rule of thumb, you should be able to replace semicolons with periods and still have the resulting sentences make sense; for instance, what I’m doing here. Here, a comma or nothing at all would work.

[Now, he was as he is today; a Braviary]

And a full colon would work here.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

This is a rather strange story. Since Cresselia doesn’t have any fixed personality, this reads like an original romance story more than anything else.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13072158/1/The-Scourge-Wars

It sounds like you have been contacted by my stalker. Their sockpuppets are listed in my profile. Be warned that they’ll flood this story with spam in response to this review.

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[This was the first time Cooper had ever really bled this badly. Sure maybe a few scratches here and there, but it never reeked too bad.]

This nonchalance seems incongruous with the seriousness of the situation. When you’re writing from a character’s point of view, the narration is reflective of their thoughts, so you should try to use that to give us a sense of the character. If I was in this situation – seriously injured for the first time in my life – I think I’d be panicking, not able to calmly assess the situation and compare it to my previous injuries.

[What happened? He thought]

The same rules that apply to dialogue formatting apply to thoughts, so this should be [What happened? he thought].

I notice you’re dropping a lot of commas, which makes some sentences hard to follow. You might want to get a beta reader to help you with that.

[the groups attention]

Missing apostrophe.

[Cooper finally managed to muster silently, but loud enough to be heard.]

Silently means no volume at all. I think you meant some variant of “quietly”.

[The king’s army has done it’s best]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

[“There’s nothing we can do. We have to leave him. He’s dead anyways,” a male spoke.]

“Spoke” is, ironically, not a speech verb, so this isn’t the correct format. You might want “said” instead here.

[“Do you have any family Cooper?” Alan questioned.]

“Questioned” is what police do; it’s a synonym for “interrogated”, not “asked”.

Generally, you seem to be overusing uncommon speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever fancy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

[The time was coming. He could feel himself slipping away little by little. His body slowly going numb. The pain was starting to subside. At least there was that. He tried to open his eyes again to take one more good look at his hometown, but only ended up facing the boiling water again. Why him? The big question haunted him. Of all the people who died here today, why did he have to be one of them. Even if he had already graduated from school, he was still too young to die at an age like this. The world went quiet as he slowly started to lose conscience. Everything went still as Cooper recalled all the events of his past up to this moment.]

This feels overwrought. Remember, sometimes less is more. As I said earlier, the narration should reflect the narrator’s perspective; someone dying of blood loss shouldn’t be having such complex ruminations.

[But how. Nothing could muster that much energy unless… What if… what if it was Z-Power? No. That wasn’t possible. Z-Power was a myth. Scientists said that it would be impossible to generate that much energy and that all the myths and legends about Z-Power existing were false. But if that was the case. Then what in the name of Arceus was Gigavolt Havoc. Cooper had never heard of it or seen it performed before. Maybe it was a hidden ability or an undiscovered ability. His next question was how was he able to do it in his state and if he was fully recovered what could it do then.]

Similarly, this goes on a bit too long. Your readers already know exactly what’s going on, so running through alternate explanations is unnecessary. It’s fine to just tell us why he thinks Z-power is impossible and stop there.

[He was about to sprint when a sharp pain jabbed at his ribs. He fell to the ground squealing with no voice to yell in the first place. He had forgotten to check his own injuries.]

Ah, I was wondering about that. Good to see you haven’t forgotten about that.

This is a nice in-medias-res opening. A lot of things are happening that invite curiosity for the story. I just think that you might want to tone the wordiness down just a bit; try relying more on implication than explicit direction. Less is more.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13072170/1/The-Fall-of-Articuno

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

Just a quick warning that that Hybrid of Fate person is weirdly obsessed with me and is going to mob this story with spam in response to this review. A list of their sockpuppets is on my profile.

[In the Kanto region which resides on the continent of Indigo, two ordinary 14 year old boys begin their Pokémon journey. On their trip, they will find and fight the corruption that is happening in the background. And their fight with evil will affect the Kanto region forever.]

This is a decent summary in that it tells us more than most journeyfic, but it’s still a little vague, and basically only tells us the summary. What flavor of evil/corruption is going on here? Political, corporate, fanatic? Different answers can imply very different stories. A little more information can entice way more readers.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[“What are we doing here Madam?”]

This needs a comma before “Madam”, as it’s a direct address.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Also, a new speaker requires a new paragraph. Not doing this makes your dialogue too hard to follow for me to keep reading.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13072301/1/A-Fateful-Stroll

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced “ock”, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

[rustling the leaves on the trees around it’s edge]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[Everything from the way he threw his shaggy auburn hair to the twinkle in his eye when they battled drew her in.]

Why would a weasel be attracted to the motion of long hair? Is he attracted to the shortness of fur around her lips because that’s a sign she breathes strong fire and there’s nothing hotter than a girl with high special attack? If you want to write xenophilia you should think about the ways things would work differently, or at least make some acknowledgment that this is unusual.

[He’d probably think I was crazy… or disfunctional. He’d probably put me in my pokeball and never let me back out.]

So, this is where we get into why pokemon/trainer relationships are creepy. If he has this much power over her and she lives in fear of it, this can never be an equal relationship. The trainer has almost complete power over a pokemon’s psychological and physiological needs, and their very freedom of movement. Even if they maganimously choose not to abuse that power right now, that doesn’t make it go away. If master/slave dubcon is your kink, this is all well and good, but portraying this as uncritically wholesome is a little weird. There are more reasons for people to be squicked by this than just bestiality, and I’d appreciate if you tagged for them in the author’s note.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Ellipses are always three dots, never more or less.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13072431/1/Double-Helix

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

That said, I don’t watch the anime, so I might not be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

[It all started with a bet. Arceus and Mew met up and decided to compete with outrageous stakes. They selected Hayley Marshell to act as the focus of their little competition and brought her into their world to see how things would unfold.]

That’s, uh, not really either of their schticks. Arceus bailed on everything and Mew does not appear to be anything close to an actual god. The closest we get to chosen one narratives are Ho-oh and Lugia, and even they tend to be pretty removed from human affairs.

Using hyphens without spaces in place of dashes is confusing. To avoid people thinking you’re hyphenating words, you should put spaces around the hyphen, or use a double dash.

[I’ll ask again; do you want to be special?]

This is improper semicolon usage. As a general rule of thumb, you should be able to replace semicolons with periods and still have the resulting sentences make sense; for instance, what I’m doing here. You want a full colon here.

Arceus is genderless. Making it male only reinforces the harmful idea that male is the default.

[“Hey, Arcy~” She sang]

Dialogue formatting remains constant regardless of punctuation, so this should be [“Hey, Arcy~” she sang].

[The God]

“God” is only capitalized when referring to the Judeo-Christian one.

And yeah, I am really not interested in reading about pokegods acting like high schoolers with bonus sexism. If all you want is for a real-world person to fall into pokeworld, you don’t need to make up an elaborate reason for it.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13072489/1/Shadow-s-Fury

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Colosseum.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13072625/1/Ash-is-a-trainer

This isn’t showing up under the anime filter, so people searching for anime fic can’t find it. You should label your story so you can get more readers! Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13072794/1/Your-Reason-For-Power

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

[As they both journey through the Sinnoh Region collecting badges for the upcoming Sinnoh League they have no idea that someone else with that same desire for power has taken notice.]

This needs commas around “collecting badges for the upcoming Sinnoh League”, as it’s an aside.

[He reached his hand to his cheek we’re the hot tears had flowed]

You want “where”. “We’re” means “we are”.

[I-i don’t know]

The pronoun “I” should always be capitalized.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[Your one of Professor Rowan’s chief assistants]

You want “you’re”. “Your” is the possessive.

[his blonde hair]

You want “blond”. “Blonde” is the feminine form.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

This is an interesting opening. I like that you’re starting with an established trainer and a plot already in place. You should work on those grammatical issues, though. Websites like Grammar Girl, as well as some beta readers, may be helpful.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13072859/1/People-Like-You-Ruby

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13072864/1/Ash-s-Smart-Journey-Female-Version

Blocked, previously reviewed. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13072913/1/Wedding-Night-Love

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You’re jumping between past and present tense, which is very jarring and disorienting. You should pick a tense and stick with it.

[End.]

This isn’t really necessary; a horizontal line is a better marker for your endnotes.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13073239/1/The-life-of-a-Umbreon

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

I see you’ve been visited by Hybrid of Fate. They’re a weird troll who tries to start fights with any remotely critical review they see. They have a lot of sockpuppets, listed in my profile, who will likely mob this story in response to this review too.

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

[This is about an eevee who later on evolves into an Umbreon while is on an adventure with his sister and meets some problems along the way.. what will happen?]

Summaries should tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

Script format is banned on this site, and as such this story is at risk for deletion. You should switch to prose format.

You don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Also, a new speaker requires a new paragraph.

Generally, this is very messy and hard to follow. You need to put more effort into this. Look at sites like Grammar Girl if you have trouble with grammar.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13073241/1/It-Just-Hurts

I see you’ve been visited by Hybrid of Fate. They’re a weird troll who tries to start fights with any remotely critical review they see. Be warned that they have a lot of sockpuppets, listed in my profile, who will likely mob this story in response to this review too.

This isn’t showing up under the anime filter, so people searching for anime fic can’t find it. You should label your story so you can get more readers! Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13073403/1/This-Ends-Today

This isn’t showing up under the anime filter, so people searching for anime fic can’t find it. You should label your story so you can get more readers! Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13073782/1/Kanto-Academy

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

[Ash, Hero of the world, Aura Guardian, Son of Sir Aaron, and the chosen one, has gained PTSD due to the death of his step-mother so his step-brother Red decides to send him to school to get help and make friends.]

At a certain point, you really need to ask yourself why you’re so uncomfortable admitting you want to write about an OC that you have to staple Ash’s face over theirs. Just write about your OC. Trying to force this to hit the same beats as canon to justify it being Ash will just cheapen the changes you’ve made and make the entire thing more boring as you take what could be an original plotline and hammer it back into the same shape as always.

I also have to say, given the fact that Red has no canon personality and is therefore essentially an OC, this is effectively anime fic and should be labeled as such.

[his secrets o of his identity]

Typo.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13073763/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Let-s-Go-Eevee-Edition

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

[A young trainer was blessed a gift that no one anticipated. A gift that will alter her view of the world and her journey to become a Pokémon Master.]

Summaries should tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

Web documents don’t let you indent, so it’s a good idea to make double spaces between your paragraphs, like I’m doing here. This makes the text easier to follow.

You’re formatting dialogue inconsistently. The full rules are: Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13073807/1/One-More-Adventure

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13074155/1/The-Renegade

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Using hyphens without spaces in place of dashes is confusing. To avoid people thinking you’re hyphenating words, you should put spaces around the hyphen, or use a double dash.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[The frontier, of which Pallet town]

Missing capital here.

[Years Earlier]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

It’s generally better to use something other than a horizontal line for scene transitions if you use horizontal lines to separate author’s notes, to avoid notes looking like part of the story.

You’re formatting dialogue inconsistently. The full rules are: Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13074267/1/Power-Player

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Weirdly, they have a very fussy guide to writing Pokemon fanfic as one of their stories. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13074329/1/Pokemon-Sinnoh-x-oc

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[“Good morning mom.”]

However, when a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

[professor Rowan.]

Also, in English, titles are capitalized when they’re appended to names. So this should be “Professor Rowan”.

[Dawn’s fantasy.]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

In general, this is a little awkward, and relies a bit too heavily on dialogue. You might want to get a beta reader to help you.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13074362/1/Battle-Chronicles

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story.

[Mienshao took a deep breath]

Think about how silly this sounds. You’re not named “Human”. Your pokemon characters deserve actual names. Yes, I know the Mystery Dungeon games do this. Doesn’t change the fact that it’s silly and confusing.

[“Umm, we’re going live in about 5 minutes,” the woman stammered out.]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters. “Stammered” also indicates difficulty in saying the words, which isn’t apparent here. This is usually conveyed by, uh, some, um, filler words in the middle, or s-stuttering, l-l-like this.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[And watching from the break room is her trainer, Maylene!”]

You refer to Gallade by male pronouns elsewhere, so you might want to fix this.

[“I’m surprised that you beat Wake’s Floatzel,” Gallade spoke up.]

“Spoke” is, ironically, not a speech verb. Something like [Gallade spoke up. “I’m surprised that you beat Wake’s Floatzel.”] would work, or “said” as a verb instead.

The description of the fight is good, but you run into the issue that making fights interesting in prose is an uphill battle. Fights are interesting in a video game, where we can experience them ourselves, or in a visual medium, where we can be wowed by visual spectacle. But prose doesn’t really operate on the same lines. We need some sort of emotional connection to the characters and an idea of the stakes for battles to be emotionally significant. You might get readers from this, I don’t know, but based on past experience these kinds of stories don’t tend to last very long.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13074382/1/The-Ultimate-Showdown

Blocked, previously encountered. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13074374/1/Black-Paint

Ack, I slept on catching up with your first story so long you’ve posted another one! At least I can get this one as part of the normal rounds.

[“P-p-please!” she said, in between bouts of sobbing, “Don’t d-d-do this!]

If the dialogue here represents two separate sentences, the narration here should end with a period, since it ends the sentence. Also, minor, but I feel like sobbing sounds different than stuttering – comma pauses, like “Puh, p-please!” are more often used to represent this.

[“Pu…”

It wasn’t the first time Sal had to deal with a difficult customer.]

This looks like a scene transition, so you should probably have a symbol to mark it.

[petrol filled]

This should be hyphenated, like most compound adjectives.

[“If his best is shouting the same moves over and over without changing tactics, I don’t wanna know what his worst is.]

I laughed a little too hard at this, since that’s my strategy in the games! Nice touch there, and good acknowledgment that battles should be more complicated than we’re used to.

[When he truly got into the zone, as one needed to focus when drawing detailed faces from memory, it even made him feel like more of a human than a Pokemon. He often imagined himself having his own work in a gallery, standing next to the human professionals in the same league. Answering questions about his work if he could speak. Sampling the hors d’ouvres. Drinking from wine spritzers.]

This is a very interesting bit. I’m always intrigued to see authors engaging with questions of personhood and the divisions between humans and pokemon.

[“Crazy *****.”]

This looks pretty silly, since this is rated M anyway. It’s generally less awkward to write around swears if you don’t want to use them.

This is really good! You characterize Harvey and all the pokemon well, and you’ve established good stakes even without the supernatural element promised in the summary. You’ve also captured the personality of an artist really well – I found a lot of Sal’s thoughts relateable. I’m interested to see where this will go.

My only real criticism is that I felt the description in the opening was a bit too much – I’m a big proponent of “less is more”, and I think that’s all the more true with horror. It’s mostly okay, but elaborate description of pain and dying moments is a pet peeve of mine. Narration is supposed to align with the narrator’s thoughts, so it doesn’t make much sense to pair someone dying of blood loss with fanciful descriptions. That’s one case where beige prose can be more effective, I think.

One Comment

  1. Keleri says:

    For instance, in the journey fic “Gods and Demons”

    *_* ILU

    1

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