[19] The Other Pokereviews, Part 136

“I think that I should challenge the Elite Four,” she had told them, “After all it was what I set out to do, and it is why I continue to push forward,” Valerie stared at the intelligent faces surrounding her, “However, there’s always a chance that you won’t make it,” Her eyes began to sting, memories of the most recent death threatening to push free of her eyes. She fought them back and continued, “I won’t force any of you to fight in those conditions,” Here she took a deep breath she had thought about this for awhile now, “If you would like to back out now, I offer you the opportunity to leave. You can stay in the PC, or even return to your wild homes. I won’t make you fight, and I won’t hate you for leaving,” Valerie’s vision began to blur, and she was staring at her legs, travel worn and strong. She felt a touch from one of her pokemon, and looked up, without fail each pokemon looked her in the eye, and stepped forward, ready to help her achieve her goals.

Nuzlocke authors continue to not understand you can’t transplant epic fantasy stakes into a sports anime.

Anime count: 10

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13090480/1/I-Champion

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Says they’re aware of me from lurking.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13090768/1/Life

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

[We don’t know what it means, or why we have it, all we do know is how we create life and it is what makes us alive.]

This second comma is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

[Here, is my idea of life.]

And you don’t need a comma here.

[My Spirit’s POV]

You don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context.

I also strongly recommend against using multiple POVs in the same chapter. The story will be stronger if you can structure it so that we learn everything we need to from one perspective.

[Dear Arceus]

Using Arceus in place of God sounds ridiculous and has no basis in canon. It’s fine to just use “God”.

[Was this some sort of divine punishment? Repent for my sins?]

Especially as you go on to talk about this, which is a uniquely Christian concept.

[Route 3 and -bam- school was right there]

Using hyphens without spaces in place of dashes is confusing. To avoid people thinking you’re hyphenating words, you should put spaces around the hyphen, or use a double dash.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

So wait, these characters are all pokemon…? You’re writing like they’re humans, where people often are covered in clothes but have bare hands that can easily bend and grasp things at chest height. If you’re going to write about pokemon characters you need to think about all the ways they’d function differently.

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. The opening is potentially interesting, but I don’t see the purpose of going into this much detail over the character waking up for the day and hating school. Start where your plot starts; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13090769/1/Ash-and-Serena-Tying-Bonds

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

You don’t need to put titles in the story body itself; it’s rather redundant, and looks strange if you don’t separate it in some way.

You shouldn’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced “ock”, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

[“Is this the time?” She thought to herself.]

Dialogue formatting remains constant regardless of punctuation, so this should be [“Is this the time?” she thought to herself.]

Don’t be bothered by Hybrid of Fate, she’s a bully who likes to attack me and anyone who’s caught my cooties. She’d say Reeds was wrong if he said the sky was blue, which is unfortunate because it makes it hard to tell when her comments are genuine. If you’re confused on who’s accurate, you can verify some things for yourself by checking published books and online resources such as Grammarly. In general, I’d be dubious of anyone claiming any version of art is “objectively” better without further clarification, as art is intrinsically subjective and the style you use comes down to what you want to convey; what’s good for one story might not be good for another.

Hybrid of Fate will likely mob this story with sockpuppets in response to this review; a list of them is linked on my profile if you want to avoid that.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13090863/1/Shitfic

Blocked, previously reviewed. Anime. Two negative reviews fed up with author’s trollfic.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13090868/1/My-Way-Kanto

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

[Knowledge is the accumulation of information through ones experiences one has.]

You want an apostrophe in “one’s”, for possessive. This is also awkwardly worded – “one’s” already conveys “one has”, so those two parts are redundant. I’d recommend just “one’s experience”, or “the experiences one has”.

[When you think you know all there is to know it blinds you to the unknown.]

This needs a comma after “know”. You have several similar dropped commas throughout; I’d recommend reading up on comma usage and/or getting a beta reader to help you.

[a world you don”t truly understand]

Typo here – you used a ” instead of a ‘.

[Or is the fact you were nominated to carry my recorder and notebook,” I smiled]

The dialogue here should end with a period, as the narration doesn’t describe how it’s said and is therefore a separate sentence.

[Its only a month]

Missing apostrophe here.

[Your daydreaming again]

You want “you’re”. “Your” is the possessive.

[“Fantastic. Finally I don’t think you want to be rolled in with any ole Machop. Do you want a nickname?”

Machop cocked his head at this and looked down to think. He looked up and nodded his head. I gave a smile at that.

“Good because I have the perfect one for you. Youre going to be my support. The basis for my whole team that everything is revolved around. The most important point. There is a name for that. It is called a Fulcrum. That is what you are and if you like your name.”

I didn’t get the response I liked. Machop crossed his arms and stared at me in what I can only assume in disgust.

“Hey it has a good meaning behind it. Is it because it’s a weird name? My full name is Albert you don’t hear me complain…much.”

Machop snorted at my name. I got no problem with my name its just no one goes by Albert. My choces were Bert or Al. I chose Al.

“Okay. What if we shorten your name? How bout I call you Crum?”

Machop mulled this over. After a minute he looked to me and grunted at me.

Then I clasped him on the shoulder. “Looks we are partners then Crum.”]

Every time I see this scene play out in fic, all I can think is: why don’t pokemon have their own names? They can clearly understand language and are social creatures.

This looks like a potentially interesting story, but the grammar errors are really distracting. You should clean those up before you continue.

(Also, fair warning: there’s a bully stalking me who mobs stories I review. If you don’t want that, a list of all their sockpuppets is on my profile. Please don’t be discouraged if they try to stir up drama; the fandom is quite calm aside from them.)

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13091492/1/the-traveling-heroes-book-one-the-unovan-adventures

Author who said they blocked me last time. I can see why: this is such a mess it got another reviewer to complain.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13091510/1/Pokemon-Interpol-Inhibiting-Evil

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13091517/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Oh-No-Eevee

Script format is banned on this site, and as such this story is at risk for deletion. You should switch to prose format.

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

(Also, fair warning: there’s a bully stalking me who mobs stories I review. If you don’t want that, a list of all their sockpuppets is on my profile. Please don’t be discouraged if they try to stir up drama; the fandom is quite calm aside from them.)

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13091662/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-ultra-Adventures

That you thought this mess was acceptable to post shows brazen contempt for your readers. Put a bare minimum of effort into this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13091697/1/Unova-s-Rookies

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[Upon graduating from Nimbasa City’s Trainer School, Cole sets out with his new Pokémon and meets up with two other fellow trainers in hopes of beating all of Unova’s gyms. However, a secret organization is lurking in the background, possibly even working with the neo Team Plasma members which threatens the freedom and safety that Unova prides itself in having.]

Summaries should tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[Lillipup hit him when he stops at my side of the field!]

This needs a comma after “Lillipup”, as it’s a direct address.

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced “ock”, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

[Already, the two Pokémon looked tired from being so young.]

Huh?

[He’s got a plan I think, so hopefully I can have mine fall into place first! Katherine thought to herself]

I thought this was Cole’s POV? You should keep the viewpoint consistent if you’re using a limited perspective.

[*CRACK*]

Using asterisks for actions looks odd in prose. Italics is standard.

[Sorry mom]

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

This was a decent opening, and the battle was decently written as well, but I feel like it’s a bit slow so far. The typical trainer journey doesn’t actually offer much in the way of plot or stakes on its own. If you have a greater plot planned, you should show some of it in the first chapter – that’s what the story will be about, after all, and a first chapter acts as a preview for the rest of the story.

(Also, fair warning: there’s a bully stalking me who mobs stories I review. If you don’t want that, a list of all their sockpuppets is on my profile. Please don’t be discouraged if they try to stir up drama; the fandom is quite calm aside from them.)

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13091910/1/Unpacking

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

This is an interesting format for a story, though I feel you bend it a bit too much – some of the necessary grounding exposition feels unnatural to come up in a conversation like this.

As for the content…

[“No, I am. Think about it. When I caught him in Route 6, I took him away from his family for my own selfish reasons. When I made him battle Cress’s Simipour again and again, I was subjecting him to so much pain just for a stupid badge. No matter how many Casteliacones I gave him, no matter how many Emolga Poké Dolls I bought for him, none of that would be enough to make up for all the shitty things I did to him. So the only right thing to do was to re—was to release him.”

“Ken…”

“No, I’m fine. Really, I am. In fact, I shouldn’t even be feeling bad about it because releasing him was the right thing to do. That green-haired man, everything he said made perfect sense. We call Pokémon ‘partners’ even if all we do is push them around. All we do is give them selfish commands when they’re supposed to roam free and live peacefully. Ampere doesn’t deserve any of that. Ampere doesn’t deserve someone like me.”

“But he did, Ken. He did deserve you. And he couldn’t have asked for a better trainer than you.”

“No, he d—”

“Yes, he did. Ken, I’ve served thousands of trainers in the Center, and I could tell you story after story of trainers who treat their Pokémon like shit. Those are the trainers that green-haired man was talking about. Those are the trainers whose Pokémon need ‘liberating’ or whatever.

“But you? Ken, you’re the most caring person I know. The way you talked about Ampere—I don’t see that much care from trainers often. In fact, I’d be lucky if I heal the Pokémon of a trainer as kind as you each day. And hearing you talk about how cruel you are or how Ampere doesn’t deserve you—it just doesn’t add up.”

“Sal…”

“Ken, I won’t tell you that what you did was wrong. It was your decision, and I respect it, and I’m sure Ampere respected it, too. But all this talk about being selfish and making him do shitty stuff—that isn’t you, Ken, and I know you know it. If you think Ampere’s happier being released, then sure, you know what’s best for him more than I do. But don’t think that you were some cruel master to him. I know you, and you aren’t like that at all.”]

Okay, so I want you to imagine this in human terms. Because that’s what pokemon are, they have human level intelligence – that’s canon. If Ken did this to a human kid – taking them from their home, asking them to perform dangerous labor for his own gain – would Sal still be saying he was wrong to feel bad about it? Would you still think it was okay for Sal to speak for the kid? That he wasn’t a cruel master isn’t the issue here, it’s that he’s a master at all. It doesn’t matter how nice you are to a ward; if the ward isn’t able to leave, they’re a prisoner. If Ampere is really okay with this, he will choose of his own volition to go back to Ken, but he must *choose*. It’s really bizarre to me that in this conversation about the feelings of pokemon, you’re totally ignoring the pokemon to have the human assure everyone there’s no problem. You’re using the pokemon as a prop for the trainer’s narrative, which is pretty darkly amusing and ironic given the subject.

I think that Ken is making a very rational and reasonable decision here. He’s recognized that he’s done wrong and he’s now making reparations. He’s allowing Ampere to make the choice of whether or not to forgive him. If you really want to argue that Ken’s a good person who did nothing wrong, we need to see Ampere show that, because the injured party is the only one who gets to decide that. Ken doesn’t even need to give up training entirely, necessarily; he just has to ask pokemon if they want to battle for him, as N does.

(Also, fair warning: there’s a bully stalking me who mobs stories I review. If you don’t want that, a list of all their sockpuppets is on my profile. Please don’t be discouraged if they try to stir up drama; the fandom is quite calm aside from them.)

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13092090/1/R-Part-One-Tournament-of-Mastery

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

[A Hero died protecting us all.]

“Hero” is not a proper noun, and thus should not be capitalized. Same for “ashes” at the end of your summary.

Non-story chapters are banned on this site. This should go above your first chapter in an author’s note.

(Also, fair warning: there’s a bully stalking me who spams review sections to scream no the sky isn’t blue whenever I open my mouth. If you don’t want that, a list of all their sockpuppets is on my profile. Please don’t be discouraged if they try to stir up drama; the fandom is quite calm aside from them.)

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13092090/2/R-Part-One-Tournament-of-Mastery

Centering all text makes it difficult to read. Later sections are fine, so you might have a broken center tag. Preview your story to catch these errors.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[“So, what do you think about the Trainers so far?” Lance questioned.]

“Questioned” is what police do; it’s a synonym for “interrogated”, not “asked”.

Similarly, “stated” is not a synonym for “said”. You’re overusing uncommon speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever fancy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

[I cannot really talk about Sun & Moon]

& symbols are not used in prose.

In general, you’re making a lot of grammatical errors that make this hard to follow. I recommend getting a beta reader to help you.

Look, you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. It might seem like it’s harder to think up characters than have someone else do it for you, but it’s actually far more work to try to figure out how to write a random batch of personalities and backstories, then figure out how you can make them fit into your story and get along with each other. If you make up characters based on what you need for your story, it’s not only a much better story for it, it’s easier to do. Almost all SYOC stories end up never updating, those that do often die after a chapter or two, and even the ones that continue a bit longer are plagued by meandering non-plots and characters who don’t seem to have any point to their scenes. If you just want general inspiration, it’s better to check out lists of public OCs and find ones that you know will work well with the story. Here’s one: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/128021680/1/Character-Bio-Thread

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13092180/1/Tour-de-Altimor

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

(Fair warning: there’s a bully stalking me who spams review sections to scream no the sky isn’t blue whenever I open my mouth. If you don’t want that, a list of all their sockpuppets is on my profile. Please don’t be discouraged if they try to stir up drama; the fandom is quite calm aside from them.)

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13092339/1/Rat-Race

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[It’s teeth]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

[at least his girlfriend can make it all better.]

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well.

This is cute, though Lyle’s panic seems OOC – in SuMo Lillie seems more afraid of pokemon battles, specifically, than pokemon in general.

(Also, fair warning: there’s a bully stalking me who spams review sections to scream no the sky isn’t blue whenever I open my mouth. If you don’t want that, a list of all their sockpuppets is on my profile. Please don’t be discouraged if they try to stir up drama; the fandom is quite calm aside from them.)

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13092379/1/Perfection

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You have several misspellings and incorrect verb conjugations throughout this, which makes the story a little hard to follow. This is nothing to be ashamed of if you are ESL, but you should consider getting a beta reader to help you catch these errors.

This honestly feels a bit reductive – it’s rather cliché to say that all abuse must be physical abuse. I felt like Lusamine was interesting because she focused more on subtler forms of abuse, and I feel it’d be more interesting to explore those avenues.

I forgot to add the warning to this one, but that gave me the idea of adding it in a guest review instead, so authors can delete it if they don’t want drama. Time will tell how effective this is.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13092424/1/Fusion

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13092468/1/The-Young-Thief

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

[I sigh out in the air, it’s been a long trek through the night.]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition. You make this error several times throughout; I’d recommend reading up on comma usage and sentence structure.

[He looked down the street, which a map said a bike shop was there.]

This is awkwardly worded – “which” is a little awkward to use as a conjunction here. Something more like [He looked down the street. According to the map, a bike shop should have been there.] might work better.

[“Hey,” the boss -my boss- turned to me, “just call me Leon when we aren’t on a mission.]

You’re generally formatting dialogue correctly, but you’re tripping up on a niche rule: When dialogue is interrupted by a non-speaking verb mid-sentence, you don’t use commas. Dashes or ellipses are used instead, depending on if you want to convey a short or long pause, respectively.

Here, it looks like it might be clearer to just make this two sentences: [“Hey.” The boss -my boss- turned to me. “Just call me Leon when we aren’t on a mission.]

Additionally, using hyphens without spaces in place of dashes is confusing. To avoid people thinking you’re hyphenating words, you should put spaces around the hyphen on both sides, or use a double dash.

[the group and it’s endeavors.]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

[we all we’re to blend in with the others]

I don’t understand what this is saying.

[If I wear the other one during the battle wet it will get and then I will have to change it back anyhow when I leave the gym.]

This is similarly confused – it sounds like he’s saying he’ll get wet during the battle?

[a swimmers town]

You want an apostrophe after “swimmers”, to connote plural possession.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[“Well, that’s it. Come challenge me again tomorrow if you want, but I’d recommend training some more” she tells in a sort of pushy manner.]

The dialogue is missing punctuation here. “Tells” also needs an object, like “she tells him”.

[The Staryu brings Minun down in the water, my next callout doesn’t reach its ears.

“What are you going to do now, boy?” Misty was taunting me, sitting on edge of the diving board nonchalantly. “Staryu, use swift.”

What the hell am I going to do? It can’t hear my actions!]

That seems like cheating. If the entire point of training is giving orders to pokemon, this invalidates that; if the pokemon wins now, that says nothing about the trainer’s ability. This is a clever tactic for a no-holds-barred battle, but for an official League match meant to be evaluating a trainer, it doesn’t make much sense.

[I dive in there, diving more to reach Minuns level. The Staryu moves around, suddenly I take a couple swifts to my back and legs. It hurts, but I keep moving. Apparently the Staryu saw and moved too. Didn’t expect me. I manage to reach the mouse Pokemon and shake it, barely still on. I put my arms in an electric motion to use Spark again. It gives me a worried look and I open my eyes wider and stare in its face, screaming. It uses spark, immediately I’m shocked.]

And this is definitely cheating. If there are any safety laws, Misty should also be facing repercussions for endangering a trainer like this.

[“What was that? My Staryu can’t hear you!” What a cunt.]

Unless you are trying to characterize your protagonist as a misogynist, you probably shouldn’t use such a gendered slur.

This is an interesting idea for a story – I like the nonstandard protagonist, and the fact you’re starting with an established trainer. The battle was also well-done. However, you should really get a beta reader to help you with the issues I mentioned.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13092582/1/Courage

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

[Valerie slowly walked up the road here had been a long one.]

It looks like you mushed two sentences together here.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[“I think that I should challenge the Elite Four,” she had told them, “After all it was what I set out to do, and it is why I continue to push forward,” Valerie stared at the intelligent faces surrounding her, “However, there’s always a chance that you won’t make it,” Her eyes began to sting, memories of the most recent death threatening to push free of her eyes. She fought them back and continued, “I won’t force any of you to fight in those conditions,” Here she took a deep breath she had thought about this for awhile now, “If you would like to back out now, I offer you the opportunity to leave. You can stay in the PC, or even return to your wild homes. I won’t make you fight, and I won’t hate you for leaving,” Valerie’s vision began to blur, and she was staring at her legs, travel worn and strong. She felt a touch from one of her pokemon, and looked up, without fail each pokemon looked her in the eye, and stepped forward, ready to help her achieve her goals.]

Okay, but why?

Why are the pokemon willing to die for this? What is she working towards that could be worth such sacrifice? If the fate of the world was at stake, I could understand this. But by all appearances, that’s not what’s going on here. The Elite Four are just a championship match. The only reason to fight them is for the trainer’s own glory. If she truly cares about her pokemon, she’d recognize that’s not a cause worth risking their lives for.

You’re running into the issue almost every Nuzlocke faces: you’re applying epic-fantasy-level stakes and drama to a sports anime, and that simply does not compute. This scene only makes sense in a situation where the heroes are pursuing a cause worth dying for, and “I want to be champion” isn’t that.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13092898/1/My-Best-Friend-s-Boyfriend

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13092932/1/Unepected-Love

If you want to write high school slice-of-life, please just write that instead of insisting your human characters are totally pokemon. It’s really annoying and clutters up the category.

This is also a complete mess. I should not have to tell you that “I” is capitalized. That you thought this was acceptable to post shows brazen contempt for your readers. Put a bare minimum of effort into making your story comprehensible.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13093457/1/Book-1-Evelyn-and-Bella-in-the-Pokemon-World

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Non-story chapters are banned on this site. This information really isn’t necessary at all; if it’s relevant, it should come up in the story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13093631/1/Moonlit-Nights-A-Pokemon-Moon-Nuzlocke

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

Nuzlockes really don’t work as a fic conceit. Taken literally, the world just won’t function – pokemon die too fast for there to be established trainers. If you apply it as a curse for only the main character, it means every battle is either a victory or a catastrophe, so it’s pretty obvious they’re going to win almost every one. Even just using the shape of your own game to determine when deaths occur while letting wins and losses happen normally the other times means that your pacing is shot because the deaths are now random as opposed to fitting with the flow of the rest of the story.

[MeleMele Island]

Isn’t it just “Melemele”, no CamelCaps?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym. Or kahuna, which isn’t even capitalized in the games.

I see a previous review already mentioned this, but you are overusing unusual speech verbs. “Greeted” in particular strikes me as unnatural here; it has a strong connotation of formality, which makes it highly unsuited to the familiar environment here.

[Mary sighed and shook her head casually]

Who is Mary? I can infer from context it’s Jacky’s mother, but you haven’t used her name before now.

[“L-Lugia’s tides, that was mortifying…”]

Thank you very much for using something more original than Arceus here. Glory to the Dragon!

This is a good novelization of the SuMo opening, but… it’s just the opening. Everyone reading this is already familiar with the games. Your summary implies you are going to inject your own plot into this; it might be better to start where that plot starts, as that will engage readers more. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. You’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13093720/1/Walkie-talkie

Blocked, previously reviewed, trollfic. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13093829/1/Pokemon-Sniper-War-PSN

I really don’t see what this has to do with Pokemon.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13094031/1/Whitefur-Book-1

Blocked, previously reviewed. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13094319/1/Timotheus-s-Journey

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13094501/1/The-mystery-of-team-skull

Blocked, previously encountered.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13094550/1/Zong-Chronicles-Sinnoh-Chaos

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

[What will happen to the region and what is causing it? How am I supposed to know, I’m just a crud summary.]

If you know it’s crud, fix it. If you advertise the story as defeatist, why do you expect anyone to read it? You can better at things with practice, not with throwing in the towel.

[causing strange phenomenon to appear everywhere]

You want “phenomena”. “Phenomenon” is the singular.

[We have since dubbed them “Chaos Events”, the events have been observed to to do a variety of things from a foreign item to appear]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. This isn’t even really story content; it’s just an extended summary.

5 Comments

  1. CrazyEd says:

    Nuzlocke authors continue to not understand you can’t transplant epic fantasy stakes into a sports anime.

    I know of several sports animes that’d disagree with you wholeheartedly.

    1. Farla says:

      Actually… in epic fantasy, we’re often given little explanation for why people are doing dramatic risky thing, because it’s self-evident. Sure, the characters can have backstory and reasons because it’s good to have deep characters, but it’s as often to explain why they initially weren’t all-in on the worldsaving or whatever.

      Sports anime spends absurd amounts of screentime establishing why and how much each individual person wants to win or why and how much one person cares about another to explain why they’d risk their dream to help another one achieve it in order to make the equally absurd seriousness people have about it balance out.

      You can’t have faceless soldiers dying for their leader when the plot is about how much the leader wants to win this year’s idol contest.

      3
      1. CrazyEd says:

        Okay but I was talking more about, like, Inazuma Eleven GO: Galaxy, which involves a soccer tournament for the fate of Earth. If the Earth Eleven team loses the Grand Celesta Galaxy soccer tournament, aliens will colonize Earth as a second home after theirs is eaten by a black hole.

        Hell, the main character of the original Inazuma Eleven series, who is a goalkeeper, has a special technique called the Outer Dimension Hand, which eventually “evolves” into the Outer Dimension Hand Remastered, which takes the form of a punch into the ground which generates a huge swirling hemisphere of defensive aura that blocks incoming shots from the goal.

        1. Okay, but that’s clearly not what I was talking about. Yes, you can artificially insert epic fantasy tropes into any genre, but I was referring to the normal setup, because the normal setup is how the fic worked.

        2. Keleri says:

          Inazuma Eleven GO: Galaxy, which involves a soccer tournament for the fate of Earth. 

          Space Jam (1995)

          1

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