[19] The Other Pokereviews, Part 158

Some actually decent stuff today, including a story with some nice Johto character study and worldbuilding.

Anime: 1

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13648899/1/Grayscale

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

[Soulsilvershipping and Blackthornshipping]

I don’t understand why Pokemon fandom does this. Please use the characters’ names like every other fandom. Please let the madness end. ;_;

[Despite their rocky beginnings, he’d grown to appreciate Clair. She was subdued and insightful in private. For all her orneriness, she alone in the den seemed to understand him.]

I also appreciate this. Clair tends to get the short end of the stick in a lot of areas. It’s nice to see her get more depth and consideration.

[Your pokemon clearly only stuck with you, because you were all in the same boat.]

Should that comma be there?

[A look of realization came over Clair’s face, but she said nothing. Silver made a note to ask about it later.

“He’s one of the new Olivine trainers.”

“Good for him. And good for Jasmine. She can’t run on a skeleton crew forever.”

“She dated Lance, didn’t she?”

“Yeah, like eight years ago.”

“You don’t sound enthusiastic about her.”

She sighed. “I don’t know her enough to dislike her. I tried being friendly, but she never reciprocated.”]

I’m a bit unclear on the order of speakers here. It looks like Silver is the one saying Ethan’s an Olivine trainer, but that’s a little confusing when that’s a non-canon detail – initially I thought Clair’s look of realization was her remembering where Ethan was now. It might be a good idea to add a speaker tag at the start of this chain.

[Pokemon type personality theory was the kind of antiquated concept people in Kanto would bring up whenever they wanted to wax lyrical about how society had “progressed”. To categorize humanity by the pokemon they trained—to believe, say, that Dark specialists were fundamentally irredeemable, or that Poison trainers were incompatible with Fighting experts—was absolutely ridiculous.]

Ooh, this is nice worldbuilding! I like stories that get into the pokeworld’s weird obsession with type specialties.

This does sound more plausible than most astrology, though, since picking a pokemon specialty is a choice, not an inborn trait. If pokemon do actually have consistent personalities based on their type, and pokemon training requires personal connection and understanding with your pokemon, it does seem reasonable to conclude something about the trainer based on their choice of team.

[“I’ll…” he swallowed, “…get to that.”]

This should probably be [“I’ll…” He swallowed. “…get to that.”] since the narration doesn’t describe the speech.

[Lyra tended to do important things in the morning. She woke up at 725 AM, he knew. If she were to arrive at 8 AM, then he had 14 hours to wipe Victory Road of all its challengers.

No, he didn’t, he realized. Eviscerating them before nightfall provided a night for recuperation. When did they begin their morning shifts?

And that was how he ended up sneaking into Victory Road at 455 AM.]

This is so adorable. I think probably the cutest thing about couples is when they notice little habits and behaviors that no one else would. This is also a really cute interpretation of the Victory Road Silver battle from the games.

(Is there a reason you’re not using the colon for minutes, though? The only format I’ve seen like that is military time, which includes zeros – so it should be “0800 hours” instead of “8 AM” if he’s thinking in military time.)

[Because his father was the “number one in the world”, and Silver felt some perverse obligation to one-up that meaningless title.]

Oh, Silver is so extra.

[“No!” He protested]

Errant capital here.

[there were also the multiple pilgrimages he made to Celadon when Goldenrod didn’t have what he needed in stock]

Missing punctuation here.

[he asked when the silent grew stifling]

[The SInnoh tamers]

Typos here.

[No one names their kid Red or Blue, obviously.]

Color names aren’t actually unheard of, especially globally.

[how he’d lashed out at Ethan after losing thei on the beach.]

Dropped word here?

[I only had one other friend” A soft sigh.]

Missing punctuation here.

[the distinct dragon scales Charydis had]

Typo’d name here.

[But Silver—he believed that moves which did not damage were useless.]

#relatable

[I’ve been Champion-y things for a while.]

Dropped word?

This was a really great character study! I’m impressed with how much thought you put into things. It definitely did feel very meandering though, especially towards the end. I’m not a big fan of dramatic irony romantic plots where they obviously just need to talk to each other but string things out endlessly, and some of the conversations did feel like they were saying the same things (being raised by mobsters sucks, Silver’s fear of abandonment) repeatedly without really progressing. But it was still really sweet.

I particularly like that you included Ethan only to have him be irrelevant, and for Lyra to be the champion. Smash the patriarchy. Also like how much you got into Clair and made her a parallel to Silver, as well as examining the implications of how the games routinely foist so much responsibility on little kids.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13648924/1/Heart-of-the-Volcano

Blocked, new user.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13648989/1/The-Betrayed-Silent-Champion-of-Kanto-and-Alola

Non-story chapters are banned on this site, and for good reason. You should include this as an author’s note above your first chapter.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13648989/2/The-Betrayed-Silent-Champion-of-Kanto-and-Alola

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

I guarantee you do not need a speech key. If basic actions aren’t obvious from context, something has gone more wrong than a key can fix.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

Calling eyes “orbs” is incredibly awkward and I do not recommend it.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Is this where the original story begins? If this is an adopted story, it seems like it would make more sense to include the original content and then add your own chapters.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13649246/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Pretty-Meh-at-Illusions

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[It’s not everyday that you transform into a creature]

You want “every day”, two words. “Everyday” is an adjective.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[long claws right Infront of me]

Errant capital here.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. Start where your plot starts; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event. (There are actually quite a lot of fics with this premise, so you will want to distinguish yourself early.)

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13649272/1/To-the-ends-of-the-earth

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

[Despite the Pokédex being completed years decades ago]

Extra word here?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Using hyphens without spaces in place of dashes is confusing. To avoid people thinking you’re hyphenating words, you should put spaces around the hyphen, or use a double dash.

You have several dropped commas and other punctuation problems throughout this. I’d recommend reading up on those subjects and getting a beta reader to help you.

[Six years ago]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring, especially when scenes are this short.

[Terracotta town]

All parts of a name are capitalized, so this should be “Terracotta Town”.

[The professor usually handed out half a dozen of each of the “Kanto starters” to trainers who had gone above and beyond in obtaining their league certification.]

That’s not really a thing. In canon, Oak only gives you the starters as a personal nepotistic favor, and nowhere are they recognized as official starters. The concept of starter pokemon isn’t standardized across the regions as an actual part of the world, it’s just a standard feature of the protagonist’s personal journey in each of the games.

It’s not unreasonable for the Pokeworld to have this sort of giveaway program for talented trainers, but it’s a very different system from canon and requires putting Oak in a very different role than he has in canon.

Similarly, your “Ash” does not appear to have any relation to the Ash we know. He’s an OC with Ash’s name.

[After getting dressed in honest to Mew trainer’s clothes]

While I appreciate you’re at least not using Arceus, there’s no indication Mew is worshipped as a religious figure. Kanto does not have any formal religion whatsoever. It’s fine to just use “God” here.

I don’t really see what the point of all those flashbacks were? A lot of it was very bland technical information that tells us stuff we can either already infer from Ash’s status in the present or which can be explained in asides within present-day scenes.

If you use horizontal lines to separate author’s notes, it might be a good idea to use a different marker for scene breaks, to avoid your author’s notes looking like part of the story.

Thus far, this reminds me of rationalist fic, and not in a good way. There doesn’t seem to be a lot of tension or emotional depth to the characters, and most of the story’s time is spent on technical minutiae. If that’s what you’re interested in writing, it might be a better idea to use a journal format that’s more removed from the characters, or cut out the middleman entirely and just write meta.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13649512/1/Garchomp-Domination

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

While I appreciate that you aren’t capitalizing the word “pokemon” itself, species names shouldn’t be capitalized either, for the same reasons.

[The Daphne and elegant pokemon]

Something seems to have gone wrong here.

[When she had spotted that shiny Gible outside the Power Plant, Daphne just had to put her mission to stop Team Flare on hold]

That sure says a lot about trainer culture.

[knowing she’s not likely to ever have such a chance again]

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well.

[“Gengar, quickly,” Daphne reached with her right hand over to her left wrist, “mega evolve right now!”]

When narration doesn’t describe how dialogue is said, it’s its own sentence and is punctuated accordingly. So this should be [“Gengar, quickly.” Daphne reached with her right hand over to her left wrist. “Mega evolve right now!”]

You should probably tag for all the mind control and dubcon in this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13649807/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Johto-Starter-Battle-Royale-DEATH-BATTLE

Script format is banned on this site. This is because this is an archive for prose stories, not screenplays.

Moreover, this… is not really a story at all. Battles aren’t inherently interesting to read about. You should look into a visual medium if this is the sort of fanwork you’re interested in.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13650052/1/The-Finnx-Archipelago

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13650159/1/The-Price-of-Being-a-Grunt

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[He smirked, “Well look at that, you’re a Pokemon trainer now.”]

When narration doesn’t describe how dialogue is said, it’s its own sentence and is punctuated accordingly. So this should be [He smirked. “Well look at that, you’re a Pokemon trainer now.”]

I’m not clear if this chapter is necessary for the story. There’s nothing terribly unusual or unexpected about this backstory, and it’s narrated in a very dispassionate, matter-of-fact way that feels very removed from the action. It’s generally better in stories to leave some things a mystery at the start; details like the narrator’s home life and first catches can be working into the present narrative organically through asides when they become relevant. If the point of this story is going to be about the narrator’s experience with Team Rocket, it makes sense to focus on that right out of the gate.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13650262/1/In-Pursuit

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Summaries should tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

[A wild Slakoth, clinging onto Quinn’s neck like a second backpack, yawned cutely]

The rest of the story is in present tense, so this should be as well.

[Though first time he disappeared was a bit scary]

Should that be “Though the first time…”?

[the Redwoods really want to support Quinn on his dream of being a Trainer. However, the Redwoods would have also liked it if Quinn says a proper goodbye before leaving for his travels instead of sneaking out at dawn to “run away”, only to come back home by sunset because he forgot his backpack, or cooking instruments and underwear, or he got hungry, or that Enzo was sick, and so on.]

This is a really cute inversion of the typical “My parents won’t let me go training because it’s too dangerous” narrative, and makes a lot more sense with what we see of the world in canon.

[Quinn unraveled his plan]

To “unravel a plan” usually means to make the plan fall apart. It sounds like you mean something more along the lines of “executed”, or perhaps “sprung his trap”?

[since it can lead to other people to their deaths]

Extra word here.

[Arceus knows]

Using Arceus in place of God sounds ridiculous and has no basis in canon. It’s fine to just use “God”.

[Quinn, still grasping stick]

Dropped word?

[If you ever wonder why Slakoth aren’t extinct yet, is that aside from being generally unappetizing for predators]

Should that be “it’s that…”?

This is quite funny! You use the wry narrator’s commentary on Quinn’s dumb antics very well. You should fix those tense errors I mentioned, though, and maybe get another beta reader if they’re consistently hard for you.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13650443/1/Pokemon-The-Galar-Adventure

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.

Similarly, summaries should tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[*BING BING*]

This isn’t a comic book. Sound effects should be described in prose.

[She fixed herself up and looked to see who texted her. Was none other than her mother, Lillie.]

Missing word in the second sentence?

You should probably give some indication of who’s saying what during the texts. Some authors literally write it “Character texted, [whatever]”, though that can be cumbersome. A chat-like format would be acceptable, but FFN administration gets twitchy about that and sometimes deletes stories that feature it.

[The warm Galar Summer]

“Summer” isn’t a proper noun and thus isn’t capitalized.

[She said aside the cleaning equipment]

Should that be “set aside”?

[” Now]

Errant space here.

I don’t know if FFN allows this formatting, but standard format for songs in prose is to make them an indented quote with no quote marks, often also italicized.

[“CHAMP! YOUR HOME!”]

Should that be “you’re”?

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

With the number of errors like this you’re making, it seems you need to proofread more thoroughly, or get a beta reader if you have trouble with these elements.

So, here’s the thing. The Pokemon games are not well-suited to novelizations, as their plots are largely just vehicles for making you fight a bunch of battles which, while cool in a game where you’re actually playing through them, are not interesting to read about. If you want to make a story out of it, you’ll need to diverge heavily from canon and introduce a ton of unique elements of your own. Notice how the anime and manga did this, and note also that they were still visual media that could fall back on cool, flashy battles, while you won’t be able to. Do you have some unique spin on the game’s plot, some unusual interpretation of the setting you want to explore? Try focusing on that.

Your sentence structure is also a bit on the simple side, with most of your sentences being simple clauses with little imagery or emotion. I’d recommend studying from published fiction and noting what makes their prose engaging.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13650488/1/Becoming-a-Gym-Leader

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[A security guard comes to the door, he mentions that it’s time for me to head to the field.]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

[First, a current gym leader needs to die or abdicate their position. Once a vacancy opens, First Bracket can begin. Any Pokemon trainer who is 18 years or older and is from the vacant gym’s city can register to try out for Gym Leader. Their name gets added to First Bracket. Then, like in a regular bracketed competition, the hopefuls battle each other until there are four quarterfinalists.

Once the quarterfinalists are determined, the city votes for the two people they want as their gym leaders. They become the semi-finalists.

The semi-finalists then face the entire Galar Region, and the region votes for the winning gym leader, because ultimately the Galar Gym Leaders represent the entire region.]

While I can see this being necessary if you want to do a standard region-spanning journey plot, this is not remotely what it looks like in canon. Opal appears to have the only say in who her successor is. Is this the AU element you’re referring to?

[Bede was a phenomenal gym leader for 72 years.]

So wait, this is 72 years after canon? That’s a pretty huge time jump, to the point that their society should look pretty different. Think of all the changes that have happened to civilization in the past 72 years, all the laws that have been passed, social mores that have changed, technology that’s been invented, cities that have grown and declined. If you don’t want to make this a sci-fi piece, it would be a better idea to reduce the time interval, say Bede retired early or there are term limits (which would make sense if gym leaders hold any political power).

[“Delphinium,” she sighed]

The rest of the story is in present tense, so this should be as well.

[Mrs. Honeysuckle quickly checks her list, “31, including you.”]

When narration doesn’t describe how dialogue is said it’s its own sentence and is punctuated accordingly. So this should be [Mrs. Honeysuckle quickly checks her list. “31, including you.”]

[“64.” I answer confidently]

Punctuation error here.

[“Go get changed,” Mrs. Honeysuckle waves in the general vicinity of the changing rooms.]

When narration doesn’t describe how dialogue is said, it’s its own sentence and is punctuated accordingly. So this should be [“Go get changed.” Mrs. Honeysuckle waves in the general vicinity of the changing rooms.]

I don’t see much to engage with in this story. The only tension so far is whether or not the protagonist becomes the gym leader, which is not a very big deal. If they lose, they’ll be sad, but that’s it. Sports stories need to have more going for them, some kind of real stakes underneath the superficial ones. Who is Del, why do they want this so badly, and why should I care? These are the questions you’ll need to answer if you want this story to have any staying power.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13650501/1/Mistakes-Were-Made

This should be tagged as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13650494/1/What-s-Wrong-with-Pokemon

Non-story entries are banned on this site, because this is a story archive and not your personal blog. Post this to social media or Archive of Our Own.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13650622/1/Master

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13650707/1/Pokemon-Emerald

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.

Similarly, summaries should tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[Ok I have both of your poke balls]

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced “ock”, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

[The boy turned around and saw a stranger (a very cute stranger) kneeling down to pet his Pokémon.]

So wait, are we in Brendan’s perspective now? You shouldn’t switch POV without a marker, and even so you should do so sparingly.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

So, here’s the thing. The Pokemon games are not well-suited to novelizations, as their plots are largely just vehicles for making you fight a bunch of battles which, while cool in a game where you’re actually playing through them, are not interesting to read about. If you want to make a story out of it, you’ll need to diverge heavily from canon and introduce a ton of unique elements of your own. Notice how the anime and manga did this, and note also that they were still visual media that could fall back on cool, flashy battles, while you won’t be able to. Do you have some unique spin on the game’s plot, some unusual interpretation of the setting you want to explore? Try focusing on that.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13650743/1/Why-is-Mewtwo-not-the-most-powerful-Pokemon-in-the-game

Non-story entries are banned on this site, because this site is a fanfiction archive, not your personal blog. Post this elsewhere.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13650827/1/A-Traveller-s-Journey

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13650860/1/An-Ultra-Reunion

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13650880/1/Ice-of-Life

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

[2019, life is normal for everyone until one day 30% of the world population are transformed into Pokemon, and must adapt or fall, now lets see how the family of one Dempsey Falis finds its way through.]

The second comma shouldn’t be there, and the third is a comma splice. You’re also missing an apostrophe in “let’s”.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[New York, 08/21/2019, 5:00 A.M. Eastern Standard Time (ES)]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

[I decided to just play video games since I don’t have to do anything tomorrow”]

Missing punctuation.

[pretty sure mom just threw her back out]

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

The number of grammatical errors in this story makes it too difficult to read. Please put more effort into this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13650927/1/Song-of-the-Diglett

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13651079/1/Kellyn-and-Kris

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13651138/1/A-trainer-identity-card

Blocked, new user.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13651252/1/The-Cottontail-Cafe

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

It looks like you have some paragraphing trouble. Some paragraphs are separated by double spaces, but some only by single.

[We’ll just have to keep trying til we drop dead!]

You want “till” here.

[*crack*]

This isn’t a comic book. Sound effects should be described in prose.

[sipping it’s tea]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

[seeing all 3 of his Pokemon in dire straits]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

This is cute, but a bit too far towards wacky and absurd for me to take seriously.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13651367/1/Life-of-Rintin-Wortroop

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

This has a lot of strange errors and dropped words that make it hard to follow. Are you not a native speaker? I’d recommend getting a beta reader to help you.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13651508/1/A-Journey-of-a-Lifetime

Blocked, new user.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13651537/1/Macaron-Talk-Show-Rebooted

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13651624/1/LH-Equal-Partner

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

[her mind began to reminisced]

That should be “reminisce”. You have a lot of similar errors throughout, particularly regarding verb tense. Are you not a native speaker? I recommend getting a beta reader to help you if you consistently have trouble with certain errors.

[the huge, star filled sky]

You want “star-filled”, with a hyphen.

[Her master]

I thought you said pokemon were equal partners in this? Why is she referring to her trainer as her master?

Similarly, despite that and the pokemon POV, this is almost entirely about the trainer. We get barely anything on Grace’s own thoughts about her current life and all the new opportunities it presents her, and focus mostly on what she can do to help her very sad trainer. I was expecting a bit more from a story titled “Equal Partners”.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13651819/1/Cheering-Up-A-Friend-s-Friend

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You really need to break up your paragraphs more.

[“Eat it.” He said, waving his thick pickle up at Chloe.]

…That’s a new one. Is this supposed to be a parody?

Ash is canonically 10. If you mean for this to be underage, please tag for it. Else, please note this is an adult AU and actually write them as adults.

One Comment

  1. CrazyEd says:

    I don’t understand why Pokemon fandom does this. Please use the characters’ names like every other fandom. Please let the madness end. ;_;

    At least they’re not puns based on portmanteaus like some fandoms…

    Color names aren’t actually unheard of, especially globally.

    Maybe in other languages, but in English, I’ve only ever heard of Red being a nickname.

    Something seems to have gone wrong here.

    The first thing that entered my mind was “People and Daphne live together in peace and harmony wait no fuck lemme try that again”.

    This is a really cute inversion of the typical “My parents won’t let me go training because it’s too dangerous” narrative, and makes a lot more sense with what we see of the world in canon.

    Where’s my “my parents kicked me out of the house because I’m FOURTEEN and STILL haven’t wandered around a forest fighting animals, even though I just want to be a carpenter” fic?

    That’s a pretty huge time jump, to the point that their society should look pretty different.

    Pokemon World society is already pretty different and high tech compared to our own. There’d have to be a pretty big revolution to drastically alter the society of people who have access to infinite energy generation and mass to energy conversion on top of psychics and shamans.

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