A few interesting things: A fic about the discovery of pokemon written in a Victorian style, a story about helping abused pokemon, and a kid protagonist who appears to be operating purely on his lizard brain.
Anime fics: 11
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12835231/1/Your-Pokemon-One-Shots
Interactive stories are banned on this site. This belongs in a forum post.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12835378/1/Healing-The-Broken
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
[Pikachu, best friend & Pokémon]
That seems… off. His mom’s tombstone doesn’t say “loving wife & human”.
This is incoherent. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12836518/1/Unbreakable-Determination-Unyielding-Rage
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags
I guarantee you do not need a speech key. If basic actions aren’t obvious from context, you’re doing something wrong.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
[Flashback]
This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
Also, a new speaker means a new paragraph. Not doing this makes your dialogue impossible to follow.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12836741/1/A-cute-re-union-Pearlshipping-one-shot
Your title needs to be fully capitalized.
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can add lines in the in-site editor.
[“It’s Twinleaf Town. Let’s go, Pikachu!” Ash chanted]
That’s not what “chanted” means. You’re overusing uncommon speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever fancy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12837782/1/Freak-Show
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags
Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.
[(At The Show)]
This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.
[we have on the table.” said the ringmaster]
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12838506/1/The-Crimson-Guardian
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags
[Very Smart/Mature/Aura Guardian Ash]
At a certain point, you really need to ask yourself why you’re so uncomfortable admitting you want to write about an OC that you have to staple Ash’s face over theirs. Just write about your OC. Trying to force this to hit the same beats as canon to justify it being Ash will just cheapen the changes you’ve made and make the entire thing more boring as you take what could be an original plotline and hammer it back into the same shape as always.
[This story will contain elements from both the anime and the cannon. The main thing being that TM’s can be bought from stores as I don’t know how else I can make it possible for Pokémon to learn very particular moves that they don’t learn through leveling up. Note that there will be no more elements from the game. Just the TM. While there will be items like potions, revives, and what not, they will only be used outside of battle!
And, now that we are on the topic of moves, here are the limits of how many moves Pokémon can learn.]
The point of fanfiction is to make a less rigid version of the games, not more. Getting hung up on pointless technical limitations will just bog down your story. Do what works, not what you feel you must.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
[The next morning]
This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.
[*SQUAK*]
This isn’t a comic book. Sound effects should be described in prose.
[Thank you for this.” She replied]
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
[Ignis means fire in latin
Raijin is the Thunder god in the Shinto religion]
So the pikachu gets named after a god, but the charmander just gets named after what it is? Someone’s playing favorites! If you want to have a naming theme, it’s good to be consistent; especially if you’re using god names, you should really go the whole mile!
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12837260/1/The-Casebook-of-Doctor-Mortimer
[On the edges of an isolate region]
“isolated”
[our sister colleges in Kanto and Johto or faraway Unova, a place spoken of at length as unparalleled in entertainments and earthly delights]
This doesn’t seem quite right. Kanto and Johto (Japan) are farther away from Kalos (France) than Unova (America), and if you’re paralleling real world history at all, 19th-century America is hardly “unparalleled in entertainments and earthly delights” compared to France. (Even just going by the games, Kalos is much more ostentatious than Unova.)
[Called out by name, I had regarded my peers before me with little interest, yet as our numbers dwelled attempts at systemising the Professor’s process, ruminations regarding the logic of it all, why they had gone before me, having left so cheerfully, and I, despite my good works, had sat, squat on a wooden stool, so cold now to invoke stone, to wait.]
I think you lost track of this sentence. “Yet as our numbers dwelled attempts at systemising the Professor’s process”… what? The thought never completes. I believe you also mean “dwindled”, not “dwelled”, unless you mean to say they are dwelling on the process?
(“Professor” also shouldn’t be capitalized here.)
[in my letters I could not bear to cause them grief by representing my departure in only the most honourable and equivocal language at my disposal]
This is saying that equivocation is what’s going to cause them grief, when it sounds like you mean to imply the opposite. “I could not bear to cause them grief, and so I…” sounds more like what you meant to say.
[The carriage driver, whose attire, in its shabby nature, implied respectability without earning it, burst into speech, joyous from the opportunity.
‘I suppose]
Speaker actions should be paired with their dialogue, even if their actions aren’t describing speech.
[hell on earth]
This phrase refers to a specific hell and the planet Earth, so both words should be capitalized here.
[The devil knows why]
Same thing here – you’re using “The Devil” as a name.
[Limebeck town]
And all parts of a name are capitalized, so this should be “Limebeck Town”.
[‘I think I can relate to that kind of pride, as a Kalosian.’ I said.]
That should be a comma, not a period.
[Dr. Mortimer only came to Fico recently]
[I’ve arrived from Kalos to work with Dr Mortimer as an apprentice]
Be consistent about how you format honorifics. Dot or no dot is fine, but you must choose one.
[a curious and most invaluable personality in the townsfolk of Fico sustained my interest wherefore otherwise I risked despair]
Just “where” is what you want. “Wherefore” means “why”.
[This assessment may seem like an endorsement of his aesthetic – let me]
You otherwise use long dashes without spaces throughout the story, so you should do so here as well. Again, consistency is important.
[standards of morality are still are upheld]
Extra “are” here. I’ll stop pointing these errors out, but you need to proofread more thoroughly, or get a beta reader to help you.
[In faraway regions, they are called Pokémon]
Except “pokemon” stands for “pocket monster”. That term can’t have been coined before the invention of pokeballs.
Similarly, I don’t feel this jives with canon. You seem to be bridging the gap by saying that pokemon are mentioned in myths here, but the games imply humans have been actively coexisting with pokemon throughout their entire history. Unless something really weird happened and this takes place during a short isolated period where humans forgot about pokemon, I can’t see it matching up with canon.
[the beasts of fable—dragons, bull-headed men]
Likewise, if you’re saying both that myths are real and that pokemon are myths, the myths you’re mentioning should match up with pokemon – and there are no minotaur pokemon.
This also runs smack into the urban fantasy problem: if magic empirically exists, why has it taken scientists so long to discover it? What made pokemon retreat from human contact when they’re everywhere in the present day? I presume you do have an answer for this just because it’s such a departure from canon, but it would be nice to plug that plot hole early on.
It’s interesting to see an arrogant first-person narrator who’s a woman; it makes the arrogance a lot more justified and easier to swallow when it’s from someone in a less privileged position. I normally don’t like this kind of narrator, but I think you do a good job with it – though she goes off on tangents a lot, they still convey useful and interesting information. The prose is wordy, but has a quick, breezy feeling to it despite that.
[‘Tis inappropriate, of course, to offer comparison between the charms and comforts of a city expanse in comparison to the countryside’s rugged body and emerald heart—the pastoral idyll has snared poets since language was crafted to conceive of nature’s beauties…]
I also like that she’s willing to check herself like this. It shows she’s considering perspectives outside of her own, when so many of these characters are so completely self-absorbed.
Not all of your vocabulary seems quite… on point, though. I could usually understand what you meant, but your choice of five-dollar words rarely conveyed quite the right connotation. For instance, [I feel no trepidation in describing the quality of my sea voyage as truly barbarous.] – it sounds like you’re using “trepidation” like “hesitation” here, but that’s not quite right. Trepidation means apprehension or dread, and it sounds like she is indeed quite apprehensive about her sea voyage if she describes it as “truly barbarous”. Perhaps you are meaning to say she felt no fear in saying it, but that seems roundabout even for this style. There are other examples throughout this that gave me a gut feeling of “offness” – English is weird like that, you have to get the connotations just right or it feels wrong.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12838812/1/Pokemon-Insurgence
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
I guarantee you do not need a speech key. If basic actions aren’t obvious from context, you’re doing something wrong.
Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
[Pallet Town, Kanto, 6 months later:-]
This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.
Not capitalizing “I” makes me not want to read your story. Put a bare minimum of effort into this.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12839420/1/In-Love-With-Your-Body
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
This is a mess. You need to try harder and get a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12839557/1/In-Search-of-Vengeance
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
[This is be fun, wont it]
Proofread.
[Ash japed skeptically]
You’re overusing uncommon speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever fancy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.
Generally, there are a lot of grammar errors here. You should get a beta reader to help you with this. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12839329/1/Pok%C3%A9Psychiatrist
If you’re looking for grammatical resources, this thread may be helpful: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/21887406/1/Writing-Guide-Part-One-Grammar
You can also request beta readers in this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup
There are also many online resources, such as Grammar Girl.
Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.
While I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing the word “pokemon” itself, species names shouldn’t be capitalized either, for the same reasons.
Italicizing or otherwise emphasizing attack names looks weird and overly mechanical; you don’t italicize mentions of people running or jumping, do you?
[It seems there were poachers]
The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well.
[What in the reverse world?!]
Find-and-replacing phrases from our culture sounds ridiculous. It’s fine to just assume they have similar religions to us and use the same phrases, but you should use more creativity if you want to come up with your own. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/162324520/1/Pokeworld-Religion
[10 seconds later]
Numbers must always be written out with letters if they begin a sentence.
[He didn’t coax him/her out]
“Them” is typically used as a pronoun for individuals of unknown gender in English.
This is an interesting premise for a story, and it’s nice to see a protagonist who’s treating his pokemon like people. However, he really doesn’t sound like a 13-year-old. Especially if you’re going to have him become a professional psychiatrist, a field that requires many years of training in real life, he should be a lot older. (Also, a psychiatrist is someone who prescribes medication – if you’re meaning to indicate a more hands-on profession, you want “therapist” or “psychologist”.)
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12840161/1/The-World-We-Once-Knew
[Dystopian drabble. An agent makes a delivery.]
[Words: 4,045]
A drabble is a word for something written and edited to be precisely 100 words. It’s a writing exercise, not a term for any kind of short story. Also, while this summary might be acceptable for an actual drabble, for a story of this length you should really give a more detailed description.
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.
[‘6:12pm 2/16 THU’ read the digital display]
Quote marks mean spoken dialogue. Italics or no special markers at all is standard for denoting written text.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
[She figured the material had been cut from the backs of Mareep that could no longer battle, the ones too bruised and broken to be of much use.]
That seems unnecessarily macabre. Do they not get enough wool from normal mareep? Are mareep not like sheep, can you not harvest their wool continuously?
[‘Look at it! Look!’ a voice screamed inside her head.]
You don’t need the quotes here.
[oh Arceus]
Using Arceus in place of God sounds ridiculous and has no basis in canon. It’s fine to just use “God”. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/162324520/1/Pokeworld-Religion
[Not even the most brazen, foolish firebrands would chance being caught outside past curfew. The soldiers in charge of order within the cities (the new regime called them ‘Peacekeepers’; the irony was palpable) were merciless in that regard. At best, you’d arrive on your doorstep the next morning a beaten and bloody mess; at worst, you’d never be heard from again. That was their way of handling things. Problems wouldn’t resurface if the instigators ceased to exist.]
Actually no, they’ll resurface double. Push too hard and people will fight you to the last – if you kill them for even the slightest offense, what do they have to lose? If you kill peoples’ children, parents do not meekly wring their hands and bow down to you. They become suicide bombers.
[“How do I know you are who you claim to be? Any imposter could go by that name.”
“Green–” Blue started from scratch, she’d be damned if this was the time for protocol “–Gary couldn’t make it. We decided to rotate our runners, so the plan changed. I’m here in his place.”]
This isn’t any more believable. All it confirms is she knows who Gary is and that he was involved in this, which would be pathetically easy for any spy to find out. This is why people have callsigns and passcodes.
This is technically well-written, but this setup isn’t very interesting to me. It reads like something from a cookie-cutter YA dystopia novel. You’ve given us no idea of what this world’s history is, the nature of the authorities, the goal of the rebellion – anything that could be a unique hook. Pokemon are mentioned, but this could otherwise be an excerpt from any dystopia story. In your first chapter, it’s vital to give us a hook. What makes your story different? What makes your story interesting? Why should we care? Don’t just give us four thousand words of vagueness and cliché.
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
[“You want to be the best trainer of Gareth Town?” He joked.]
You’re formatting dialogue inconsistently. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12840315/1/Magma-Flare
[In the wake of Pokemon ORAS and XY, the remnants of Teams Flare, Rocket, and Magma once more rise in a devious plot to finish what they started.]
And five minutes later they tear each other apart, because crime gangs and apocalypse cults do not work together. Really, think about what you’re doing. This is a dead horse cliché in this fandom and it’s not any more interesting this time. If I’m looking for a story about Flare, Rocket, or Magma, it’s because I’m interested in their specific ideologies. By lumping them together, you’re just telling me you’ve stripped those ideologies away so they can be a generic evil monolith, and that’s boring.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
[“We saw Magma grunts and even a few old Rockets in the attack. They were fended off, but Lysandre and a few Flares got away.” The professor said grimly.]
Lysandre is dead, dude. He blew himself up, remember? You could argue he’s still alive under the rubble in X, but you said you’re basing this off of Y, where he got a direct hit of pure death energy.
Also, you’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
[together?.]
Extra period here.
[Calem started laughing, hitting the ground a few times.]
I think you meant to say Brendan here.
This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. We need more than just an incredibly brief exposition scene; show us what this story is about, give us some stakes. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12840039/1/A-Retelling-of-White
[Algoran was at his house, which lay just outside the boundaries of science]
This makes it sound like it exists outside the boundaries of reality. I think you mean to say it was on the outskirts of the laboratory district?
[Though burned all over and broken in many places, it was alive. And a live body was no food for them.]
Rats will absolutely eat live bodies. Super-strong magic rats should have even fewer worries.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
[The only thing he could do now, in shock from the carnage, was to see what was left in his home. Maybe he could stumble his way there. But probably not, seeing as his body was really in a horrible condition.]
I know the point is supposed to be that he’s in shock, but he seems way too composed even still. In third-person limited even idle narration is supposed to be from the narrator’s perspective, and I can’t see a badly wounded child being able to make such a clear overview of the situation.
[He felt its intensity in his chest and threw up into the grass next to him.]
[he couldn’t move his head either]
So then wait, how did he move his head to throw up off to the side? It sounds like he’s being dragged along his back.
[“Smooth and stretchy,” a black undershirt]
The narration here doesn’t have a speech verb, so it has to be punctuated like a separate sentence.
[his leg was set]
Wait, what? His leg was broken this whole time? There is no way he could have ignored that. Broken legs are absolute agony. He should have noticed, no matter how hurt the rest of him was. A better description of his injuries would have also made it clearer why the snivy didn’t want him to move; the way this is presented, we just have him saying he’s hurt in a vague, generalized sense and then insisting he can still walk, so I thought he was in much better shape.
[“So. What are you doing to let me read your mind?”
“What are you doing to get into my head?”
“I really don’t know. I just started hearing you think as soon as I was awake again.”
She emitted a pinched squeak, which was the first actual voice Algoran had heard out of her. ‘All I did was take pity on you. I didn’t ask for my mind to be violated.’
“I didn’t even ask for help, and my privacy was violated.”]
This is incredibly stilted. Lawyers might talk like this, children tripping on pain and endorphins do not.
[She shouldn’t follow him.]
So is this from the snivy’s POV now? You really shouldn’t switch POVs without indication. It’s incredibly jarring. You should try to tell the story from one perspective, and only use POV switches as a last resort. (This ties into “show, don’t tell” – if the snivy just looked at him weirdly and then changed her mind, we wouldn’t know why, and that would be a mystery that draws the reader in. Telling us up-front just makes it feel kind of bland.)
So what I’m getting from this is that Algoran is a sociopath. He feels zero grief over his mom’s death and the destruction of his hometown, and barely appears to register even his own pain, which, again, should be agonizing. He’s able to analyze his terrible situation and devise a plan with perfect logic and calmness when he should be running on fumes. Entrica has a bit more personality, but only because you’ve set the bar so low; “snarky female sidekick” is a pretty well-worn archetype. What I’m getting at here is that your characters are not engaging enough to hook my interest in the story. This setup interests me somewhat, but insufferable characters make stories chores to read through. You need to develop your characters better and learn how to write more genuine emotional reactions.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12840890/1/Chosen-one-and-Aura-user
Your title needs to be fully capitalized.
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.
[Anyway before I begin some background: Ash has caught all canon Pokemon and obtained all the Kanto badges and currently is heading up to battle in the league. Charizard is actually obedient, Bulbasaur evolved to Ivysaur, Squirtle evolved to Wartortle, Ash found out about his Aura before he started his journey and has an egg with him. He’s also not dense, and is aware of Misty’s slight crush but says nothing about it]
So you removed everything interesting is what you’re telling us. Flaws make characters interesting, they drive the plot. Perfect superheroes generally aren’t interesting to read about.
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
Also, a new speaker means a new paragraph. Not doing this makes me not want to read your story.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12840891/1/The-Bonds-We-Once-Shared
This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags
I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.
[her family enjoyed their daughter/sister finally being back in Petalburg]
This is incredibly awkward. Parents generally take precedence in a “family” lumping, so you can just say “daughter”, or say “her”. Using either-or word construction in prose just looks bizarre.
[Max nearly choked on his food, turning red from his dad’s words, “As if!”]
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
[“Missed you too you little brat,” she joked]
This is implying she didn’t really miss him, as “joking” connotes falsehood. You’re overusing uncommon speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever fancy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12841435/1/Techno-girl-part-1
Your title needs to be fully capitalized.
[This really isn’t in the Pokemon ccatagort cause its just a random anime story that I came up with]
Then it doesn’t belong here. Go to Fictionpress or Archive of Our Own to host original fiction.
This is incoherent. Try harder.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12841336/1/A-Sort-of-New-Beginning-Pok%C3%A9mon-X-Nuzlocke-Story
[The little sister of a renowned doctor would be living a happy and healthy life.]
This sounds awkward – I think you want “should”, not “would” there.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.
[others were fast asleep in their own homes as well as humans]
This is really weirdly worded – it sounds like you’re saying they’re sleeping in humans. “Alongside humans” is maybe more what you meant?
[They flew high above in the sky, after a few minutes to an hour, they began flying lower and lower until they flew under the clouds]
This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.
[“Vaniville town… finally.” The Pokémon muttered]
You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.
[sounding masculine, and his voice scratchy, as if it were claws raking against metal, as they dipped lower until they began hovering, now over at the next town over, flowers and trees in various planters around and flew over to a house]
This is a mess of a run-on sentence. Your writing is extremely awkward and hard to follow, and riddled with grammatical errors. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup
Talking pokemon are an enormous can of worms you shouldn’t open unless you have a very good explanation for why one group of people is being owned by another group of people. This is especially bad in Nuzlocke, where one of those groups is dying at the behest of the other. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142476358/1/Pokemon-Intelligence
[I wish mom and dad]
When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.
[“Wait! Uh… my… parents are… very- uh, very protective of Finnigan. So, it has to be done secretly. I’ll say she went on a nice trip with me to Johto.” Travis said, quickly interrupting Sycamore.
“Oh. Well then I’ll leave you too it! And don’t worry. The Pokémon should be there soon. The little guy has been here for quite awhile and could use such a friend as your sister.”]
What kind of utter incompetent is Sycamore that this doesn’t immediately raise an alarm bell in his head? Any time anyone insists on lying to the parents about such an important decision, something deeply suspicious is going on.
[Arceus… The amount of patients were getting these days]
Using Arceus in place of God sounds ridiculous and has no basis in canon. It’s fine to just use “God”. This is particularly bizarre when you already had his pokemon use “God”. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/162324520/1/Pokeworld-Religion
[~~~~~~~~~~~ POV Switch, Outside ~~~~~~~~~~~]
This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.
You also really shouldn’t be switching POVs within the same chapter if you can help it. The story is stronger if you can construct things so that we see everything we need to through one perspective.
Nuzlockes really don’t work as a fic conceit. I can’t tell exactly how you’re going to do it, but none of the options are good. Taken literally, the world just won’t function – pokemon die too fast for there to be established trainers. If you apply it as a curse for only the main character, it means every battle is either a victory or a catastrophe, so it’s pretty obvious they’re going to win almost every one. Even just using the shape of your own game to determine when deaths occur while letting wins and losses happen normally the other times means that your pacing is shot because the deaths are now random as opposed to fitting with the flow of the rest of the story. And lastly, this is all incredibly galling when you’re making this all about an abused trainer, yet seem completely blind to the fact that ordering pokemon to their deaths is also abuse.