[19] The Other Pokereviews, Part 94

Fantasy story about Arceus’ chosen one; and several mad science pokemorph fics, one of which was decently-written but had the most questionable science.

Anime count: 5

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12850470/1/Rayuzs-Jouney-Trying-To-Find-The-Truth

It looks like you want an apostrophe in your title for “Rayuz’s”.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[(FIRST EVER FIC! PLZ BE NICE!)]

Meta-information like this should go in your author’s note, especially since summaries provide such limited space. You can’t review without clicking on the story, so you don’t need to worry about putting this in the summary.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this in the in-site editor.

[(I like minecraft okay?! Don’t call me cringy for it!)]

Including author’s notes in the middle of a story is not a good idea. Stories run on immersion and suspension of disbelief; interrupting the story and pointing to the wires shatters that, much like an actor breaking character in a theater production.

Aaand this is unreadable. I should not have to tell you that “I” should be capitalized. You say you hate rude people? I consider it rude of you to think this is acceptable. The purpose of proper grammar is to make stories easier to read. This level of laziness in your writing shows extreme disrespect and contempt for your readers. Put a bare minimum of effort into this. If you genuinely need grammatical help, this is a good place to start: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/21887406/1/Writing-Guide-Part-One-Grammar

Two reviews, both of which were also confused and bothered by the grammar.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12850484/1/Pokemon-Ash-s-New-Start

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[Timeskip: 1 Week later.]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12850614/1/Vivat-Regina

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Or team. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

At a certain point, you really need to ask yourself why you’re so uncomfortable admitting you want to write about an OC that you have to staple Ash’s face over theirs. Just write about your OC. Trying to force this to hit the same beats as canon to justify it being Ash will just cheapen the changes you’ve made and make the entire thing more boring as you take what could be an original plotline and hammer it back into the same shape as always.

[Oak agreed to sponsor 4 Trainers]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. This is just summarizing backstory you could have explained more efficiently as it became relevant to the story. Start where your plot starts; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12850688/1/Misty-in-the-Trash

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

The lack of spaces between paragraphs makes this hard to follow. The website sometimes strips formatting; check in the document manager to see if something’s wrong.

[WHY YOU WICKED B**CH!]

This just looks silly. If you’re not willing to write out swears, you shouldn’t be using them at all.

At a certain point, you have to ask yourself why you’re so bothered by the concept of other love interests existing. If you want to sell Ash/Serena as the superior pairing, surely it would be more productive to write stories about them? This version of Misty is so OOC that criticizing her doesn’t really do anything for your argument. Also, was the comedy rape really necessary?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12850885/1/Ash-and-May-s-Sexual-Adventures

[Also, this is a strict warning to St. Elmo’s Fire to stay away from my fic and better not review on it. Pokémon is categorized under ‘Games’ and not Anime. And this is my fic, so i’ll do the hell whatever i want.]

If you’re not willing to respect a simple request, you shouldn’t expect others to do the same for you.

You clearly didn’t read what I said before, so I will explain the steps in detail:

Go to your account.

Click on “Publish”.

Click on “Manage Stories”.

Click on your story.

Scroll to the bottom.

In the “category” section, you should see a dropdown menu under “Games: Pokemon” that says “World: Any”. If you click on it, you can change the selection to “Anime”, “Games”, or “Manga”.

Unless your story blends concepts from multiple sources, you should do this. The games, anime, and manga are effectively completely different canons; though they share a lot of things in broad strokes, they tend to have wildly different interpretations for many details, especially various characters’ personalities. (Anime Arceus and Game Arceus are completely different things, for instance.) Yes, FFN should really make completely separate categories for the anime and manga. Yes, it’s annoying that we only have this awkward workaround. It’s still better than nothing, and it’s extremely helpful to people who are trying to search for a particular canon. Many people are only familiar with Pokemon through one medium. Please be considerate and make this website a little easier to use.

Fun fact: I filter out anime fic, so if you label it properly, you won’t ever see me again! Everyone wins!

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12851106/1/Pratices

[‘I really suck at description, I’m so sorry’]

This just makes you look desperate. Every artists thinks they suck and you’ll only get better with practice. Just do the best you can and present yourself with confidence.

You don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

This is full of odd grammatical errors that make the story very hard to follow. Are you not a native speaker? I advise getting a beta reader to help you. You can start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

[I’m sorry if this fanfiction looks weird, I tried uploading this on my phone and my phone isn’t helping me at all.]

Oh no, don’t do that! Typing on a phone is torture and is guaranteed to introduce all sorts of formatting errors! Wait until you have access to a computer.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12851145/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Shadows-of-Alola

[Alola, a region known for its thriving culture and peaceful way of life was once threatened by an incredibly dark evil thousands of years ago. An ancient prophecy foretells of the return of this darkness in the near future. In present times the Alolan region has grown and developed vastly becoming a birth place to the world’s greatest trainers. Join the Alolan mystery!]

Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot? You’ve also dropped a lot of commas here. I’d recommend reading up on comma usage and sentence structure.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[One born of the infinite of the sun and the other by the mystical power of the moon. As the Alolan civilization slowly grew and developed the two creatures watched on from a distance awaiting the day they’d be able to fulfill their destinies and unleash their hidden powers to protect Alola.]

That is really not what happened. If you’re more interested in your own original fantasy backstory than the games, that’s valid, but you should publish this as original fiction, or at least set it in an original region.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[Ancient Alolan castle, Melemele Island]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[A deep voice muttered..]

Extra period here. Your punctuation in general has a lot of weird formatting errors. You should preview your story to check for those.

[Melemele island]

All parts of a name are capitalized, so this should be “Melemele Island”.

In general, this is really hard to follow. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12851174/1/Journey-of-a-Thousand-Miles

The chapter dropdown menu wrecks centering on the first line. You should try leading with an empty line break, or forgoing the chapter title entirely – the dropdown menu usually sufficies.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

The battle seems weirdly absent. I presume you are going for the idea it’s not important, but even so, there is a weird mix of keeping up with the battle in real time but not showing much of what’s going on.

[The snow around us instantly ceases as thunder instead rolls around in the clouds above. Pikachu clenches his little fists and seemingly draws the electricity towards him, summoning it in the form of a grand lightning bolt, and then redirects it at Umbreon.]

And because your earlier descriptions were so curt, here it gives the impression that everyone’s just standing around and letting this happen.

I’m also baffled how a charizard would fall to a solar beam if they’re supposed to be a similar level.

[Umbreon cries out as it summons a cloud of darkness that absorbs the lightning, then it dissipates in a field of static, although the thunderclouds remain.]

And I’m not clear on what’s happening here.

[Never have I been so compelled to discover something that I have gone so low as to battle with Pokémon, which I have always thought to be just as gruesome as pitting together above-average humans, and yet here I am.]

This feels like a show-don’t-tell problem. He says this, yet he expresses no empathy or sympathy for the pokemon during the brutal battle, and indeed barely seems to pay attention to it at all, as indicated by the curt prose. He should be upset to see his pokemon injured if this is the way he feels.

[“It wouldn’t have mattered anyway. Eelektross are cold-blooded; it would have been too fatigued to continue.”]

Except water-types resist ice. Pokemon are magic, so type logic should overrule biology.

[I cannot have it losing conscious]

You want “consciousness”.

[a downwind draft carries it with speed like Hermes]

Hmm, so our gods exist in this setting?

[“Medicham, use Force Palm.”]

Why is this supposedly super-well-trained trainer doing something as stupid as using a fighting move against a poison-type? I was expecting him to use a psychic attack.

I like the description of the attacks in the battle and the tactics used, but it did still feel disjointed for the reasons I said, and many of the move choices were bizarre. And given how brutal and gruesome the battle was, it’s particularly bizarre that you claim Sean dislikes battling. It would make more sense if you just cut that part.

[It feels like Arceus itself is descending on Mt. Silver]

Urgh, another fic where Arceus is the center of the universe. Please, please think about what you’re doing instead of just mindlessly copying Christian cliché. In the game canon, Arceus is either still sleeping in its pocket dimension because it is a lazy dick that doesn’t care about reality, or it is in the possession of Dawn/Lucas. There are pokegods that can work for a chosen one plot, but Arceus is not one of them. Please go here if you want to talk about this: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/162324520/1/Pokeworld-Religion

[Mt. Silver is the gateway between the world of the Legendary Pokémon and Earth]

What? That is not how any of this works. The legendary pokemon are referenced in ancient myths. There’s nothing to suggest they’re native to another world.

[I am only one Pokémon, and there are several that wish for escape. One Legendary could not defeat another, as that would throw off the balance in the world; as such, they press endlessly against the barrier, constantly weakening it]

Except there is an entire generation of games about legendaries fighting each other for dominance, and there are literally stat differences between them that imply they absolutely can defeat each other.

[And if you fail, it continues, voice raging even louder, I will leave nothing left of you to even serve as “Red.”]

Except it just explained why it can’t afford to do that.

Look. If you’re more interested in your own original fantasy setup than the games’, that’s valid, but you should publish this as original fiction, or at least set it in an original region.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12851251/1/Borrowed-Heritage

[scientist’s]

Apostrophes are for possessives, not plurals.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[then mine should be that of a Realist]

Same logic applies to this.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[From this level in the lab, you had a good view of the entire habitation space.]

The general you sounds awkward in prose. “I” would feel more natural here.

[the sterile smelling room]

There should be a hyphen for “sterile-smelling” here.

[the woman casually told me as she threw her long auburn hair over her shoulder as I hurriedly made my way over to the cage]

Repeating the “as…” structure makes this sound breathless. I’d recommend splitting this into two sentences. It’s also odd that she’d need to throw her hair back; most laboratories require long hair to be tied back precisely so that it doesn’t get in the way like that.

[“You know,” the woman began as she started walking toward me, her heals clacking loudly against the clean, white tiled floor. “That’s easily over a hundred pounds,” she said]

Typo with “heals”. This is also the wrong way to format this kind of dialogue. When you interrupt a sentence of dialogue with narration, the whole thing is formatted like one sentence. In this case, if the intended sentence is “You know, that’s easily over a hundred pounds,” it should be written as [“You know,” the woman began as she started walking toward me, her heals clacking loudly against the clean, white tiled floor, “that’s easily over a hundred pounds.”]

[I reiterated]

You’re overusing uncommon speech verbs and adverbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever fancy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

[the labs paging system]

You need an apostrophe here. You should proofread more thoroughly, or get a beta reader to help if you have trouble with this.

[After saying good by to Alyssa]

And that should be “goodbye”.

[“Yumi, back when he was still an Eevee, used to be owned by a young male trainer,” Alyssa began as we continued to walk towards the ‘arctic’ area of the Hab, the temperature steadily dropping as we continued on. “The trainer knew that in order to evolve an Eevee into an Umbreon, you needed to befriend them and train them at night as often as possible.” I nodded in understanding. It was pretty common for owners of an Eevee to seek to evolve them to a specific type of the many different variations there were. I had always thought that if I had an Eevee, I would’ve just trained it and be surprised by what it decided to evolve into, if anything. However, I was pulled from my personal musings by Alyssa continuing her story as we came up to a tree that had a concealed locker inside it for some winter coats so we wouldn’t freeze in the cold environment we were entering.

“However, I guess the trainer did too good a job trying to become the Eevee’s friend,” Alyssa said with a mirthless chuckle as she grabbed coats for the two of us. “His Eevee ended up evolving into a Sylveon. The trainer was pretty upset that his only Eevee ended up looking like a ‘doll’ and abandoned it.” Alyssa stopped walking for a moment and looked down at her feet. “Can you imagine,” she almost whispered. “Being loved, and then once you show it, you’re abandoned.”]

This is a nice bit. I’ve no doubt that many players have done things like this, and it’s nice to see a story that deals with that.

[the moon light]

It’s “moonlight”, one word.

[My attention was pulled back towards the black clad figure as they began to remove their helmet, letting their long auburn hair come out of the black cover.]

Why is she doing this? It’s dramatic and all, but even if there aren’t security cameras here, this is a pointless risk. It would be fine for him to just recognize her voice. I also don’t see why she’s spending time on the dramatic villain rant when there’s a good chance he’ll die from this anyway. Exposition is necessary, but you need to think of a good way to justify it.

[“Wild Pokemon are just too varied and different for reliable data to be gathered from,”]

Ending a sentence with a preposition is awkward, and this also doesn’t make sense to me. Real-life animals can do plenty of weird things humans can’t, and we can study them without needing to make artificial life.

[“So we created something. A creature that would evolve to whatever the situation called for.”]

That doesn’t sound like an accurate description. The eeveelutions all evolve through different methods and with very different requirements, and I don’t see what you mean by “whatever the situation called for” – you can maybe make a case that they adapt to suit their environment, but they don’t actually do so in a useful way.

[“They were all male at first,” the woman said as she began to stand up and walk towards me. “To control population and ensure consistent data. But I guess we made them too adaptable. Females began to appear and suddenly we had run-away population growth and escapes.”]

Except that doesn’t happen in the games. If you need to add in completely new elements to make your fanfiction premise work, that’s cheating.

There’s also the fact that eevee just… don’t look like artificial lifeforms. We’ve seen pokemon that ARE confirmed lab experiments (Mewtwo, Genesect, silvally, ditto if you subscribe to that theory), and they look distinctly artificial. Eevee not only looks like a real animal, it has a unique body plan that isn’t shared with other pokemon. Why bother with all the frills and the fox-like appearance if they were only meant to test one thing?

[Right now, we’re focusing on the hybridization of the Eevee genome with the human one. In practice though, the binding of the two usually results in multiple medical complications and ultimately, an agonizingly painful death as multiple organs fail.]

Yeah, no duh? What hack university did she get her degree from? That is not how genetic engineering works. It’s also nonsensical that a shiny would have any effect on this when shiny pokemon are identical to normals in every other way. Pokerus is a much more sensible plot device if you want to do this.

This is a decent story opening, though the actual premise is much less original than the one teased in the summary. However, I feel like your prose is rather disjointed – something happen in extreme detail, then you gloss over things in summary, then it’s suddenly back to intense detail. I had some trouble following the chain of events in the battle scene at the end, too.

The plot also feels like it has a lot of holes. Pokemon are clearly a different class of being than humans – the fact that they’re all considered the same type of creature when they can be as diverse as “basically a real-world animal” and “animate snow cone” implies that even the mundane-looking ones are running on magic, so it makes no sense to assume their powers could transfer to a human or that such a thing would even be possible with normal science. There is also the question of how Yovana was able to do all of this without anyone noticing when in real life experiments must be thoroughly vetted by superiors and regular reports are required. That said, I do like that a woman gets to be a mad scientist for once.

You do have a lot of grammatical errors, too. I recommend getting a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12851501/1/Tutor

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

[The blonde sat in his chair]

You want “blond”. “Blonde” is the feminine form. You also should be careful about overusing physical descriptors as epithets. When you are writing a story and refer to a character by a physical trait, occupation, age, or any other attribute, rather than that character’s name, you are bringing the reader’s attention to that particular attribute. That can be used quite effectively to help your reader to focus on key details with just a few words. However, if the fact that the character is “the blonde,” “the trainer,” “the older man,” etc. is not relevant to that moment in the story, this will only distract the reader from the purpose of the scene. If your only reason for referring to a character this way is to avoid using his or her name or a pronoun too much, don’t do it. You’re fixing a problem that actually isn’t one. Just go ahead and use the name or pronoun again. It’ll be good.

[It was said that anyone who graduates from LU is practically guaranteed work in their field of choice, due to the harsh but extremely educational programs offer.]

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well. You also want “offered”.

[He is the opposite of you Clemont]

This needs a comma before “Clemont”, as it’s a direct address.

[Clemont read the title of the book he was given; ‘Science of the Human Body in Sports.’]

You want a full colon here, not a semicolon, and there shouldn’t be quotes around the title. You also forgot a start quote when Sycamore starts talking again after this.

If you have trouble with grammatical errors like this, you might want to get a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12851541/1/100-Ways-to-Say-I-Love-You-Kalos-edition

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[“Huh?” Was all Tierno could say]

Dialogue formatting rules remain constant regardless of punctuation, so this should be [“Huh?” was all Tierno could say].

[“In that case then-” Serena paused to dramatically tilt her head back and put a hand over her face as she was swung away again and didn’t finish her thought until she returned to the circular pattern – “Make sure]

And generally, you should be consistent on both sides of the dialogue when you interrupt dialogue like this. In this case, that would be [“In that case then-” Serena paused to dramatically tilt her head back and put a hand over her face as she was swung away again and didn’t finish her thought until she returned to the circular pattern. “-make sure].

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12851874/1/Red-s-Journey-Kanto

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[I like creative writing. I’ve never written a FanFic before, this is my attempt. Enjoy!]

This sort of information works better in an author’s note. Because summary space is so limited, you should spend it talking about your story instead.

The chapter dropdown menu wrecks centering on the first line. You should see if you can add an empty line break; alternatively, it’s okay to just let the dropdown menu take care of chapter titles.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[the voice of a male and a female]

Nobody but animal researchers refer to things as “a male” or “a female”. Use “masculine/feminine voice” if you must.

[They didn’t have much to worry about however, very few people came near this property at the best of times]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

[The three continued forward, making small and abrupt hand motions amongst one another to indicate whether one should move forward, wait, or hang back for the moment.]

I feel like this is providing too much detail. I presume these agents are meant to be mysterious and menacing, but describing their every action in detail like this rather demystifies them. Sometimes “nothing is scarier” – it’s better to give us fewer details and let our imagination do the work. The amount of time you spend on these details also drags out the scene, which reduces tension.

[“It’s just a Pidgey, keep going,” the Boss stated firmly once again in a whisper.]

That’s not a statement, that’s an order, and “firmly once again in a whisper” is just the narration tripping over itself. You’re overusing uncommon speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever fancy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

Why is Giovanni here in person? It is exceptionally rare for mafia higher-ups to participate in operations themselves, as that places them in extreme danger. The point of an organization is so you can order other people to take risks for you.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12852001/1/Lost-in-Seaview-Cave

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[A new story in the Pokemon Universe set in Rose Petal town following two police officers – Officer Melissa and Rookie Officer Sam – and their Growlithe, Sniffers. On the case to find a lost Pokemon Trainer, their journey begins at Seaview Cave…]

Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

[“Are you scared?” grinned Melissa grinned from beneath her police cap.]

Extra “grinned” here, and since you can’t grin words, that should be a separate sentence. If the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, dialogue is written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[I hear some are getting their first Pokémon as young as ten.]

There are preschoolers with pokemon, and starting the journey at ten is standard practice in the Japanese regions.

[Sam watched as she idly stroked the pokéballs on her belt and spoke about children like she wasn’t one just a few years earlier.]

They let teenagers be police? Or are you using “child” to mean “younger than 18”?

[the ranks of the police for]

Typo.

[battling their pokémon and causing all kinds of havoc.” Melissa continued]

Also here.

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. This is just an introductory scene; nothing’s really happened yet. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12852132/1/Monsters-of-Their-Making

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[Tell them to document thoroughly, and…” the man tapped his fingers against his lips]

This doesn’t contain a speaking verb, so it should be punctuated as a separate sentence.

[“Please and thank you!” The boy said]

And formatting rules remain constant regardless of punctuation, so “the” should still be uncapitalized here.

[“Five, four, three, two, one, go.” Said the lead]

And here.

[“Sir, Faust managed to lock these before he fled…” the subordinate stated hesitantly.]

That’s not what stated means. You’re overusing uncommon speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever fancy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

[Kevin asked dubiously, Kirlia making an agreeing sort of noise at his side.]

Why is its name “Kirlia”? You don’t name your dog “Dog”, do you?

[you will insure that she stays that way]

You want “ensure” here.

[Or –he glanced one more time at what had once been a human woman –worse.]

The spacing of your dashes is weird. They’re easier to follow if there are spaces on both sides.

This is a decent opening, but still doesn’t tell us much of what the main story will be about. I don’t have a good sense of who Naira is or why it’s important that she’s involved with this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12852390/1/Pokemon-World-Championship

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

Non-story chapters are banned on this site. If this information is truly necessary, put it in an author’s note above your first chapter.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12852652/1/There-s-a-Sewaddle

Please make a summary that actually tells us what your story is about.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

[“Sorry,” she said a bit embarrassed.]

This needs a comma after “said”.

[The sewaddle righted herself. “Name? Humans have names, I never got one.”]

Why would social creatures not have names?

[The litleo made a close fascimile of a human shrug, “It’s an experiment for a reason. Perhaps it didn’t work on you.”]

When narration doesn’t contain a speech verb, it’s considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[“You don’t have to be young to be un-evolved,” defended the sewaddle.]

You’re overusing uncommon speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever fancy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. This is barely a single scene, and tells us very little on what the story is about. Your characters also seem weirdly robotic and emotionless. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12852974/1/N-s-Shadow

If you’re looking for beta readers, this is a good place to start: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[how to really love Pokemon- by setting them free.]

Using hyphens without spaces in place of dashes is confusing. To avoid people thinking you’re hyphenating words, you should put spaces around the hyphen, or use a double dash.

[He was so proud to call him father today]

When a title (such as “father”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

[All I have to do is listen to sounds of the city, they will guide me wherever I wish to go.]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

[Papa Darmanitan]

Do they not have names?

[They did not eat him like the people from the village said they would when they put him there. They gnawed off the ropes that bound his hands]

So, this is interesting. Ghetsis seems really fixated on N’s pokespeech abilities making him disgusting and subhuman. Is this a widespread belief? If so, why? I hope you will go into more detail on this.

[Dratini, the chubby water serpent with the sky blue and white pattern went for 2,100 coins. Cubone, the mammal holding his mother’s bones, was priced at a very reasonable 800. Both Pokemon had been hunted to near extinction.]

There is also the fact that, according to the pokedex, they have human-level intelligence. Whether or not that’s true is kind of important in a story about pokemon liberation.

[A doll’s face came near to soothe Conocordia, wrapped her friend in a protective hug and made it clear why she was called the Embrace Pokemon.]

It’s really dissonant to call a pokemon a “doll” during this rant, as that’s an extremely objectifying term with many disturbing connotations. Similarly, I find it odd that they are putting stock in the pokedex’s descriptions of pokemon, as the pokedex is antithetical to everything Plasma stands for.

[not man’s false ideals]

If you’re referring to the collective population i.e. mankind, “Man” should be capitalized.

[“Come here my friend,” N said, reaching his hand out to the Patrat that had scampered over to him, offering him a chocolate sweetheart.]

Very few animals can digest chocolate. Are pokemon metabolisms different? Also, why doesn’t he say anything to N?

[“Let me hear your voice again Grey.”]

This needs a comma before “Grey”, as it’s a direct address.

So wait, are we in Grey’s head now? That’s really jarring without so much as a scene break to indicate something’s changed. I strongly recommend against using multiple POVs in the same chapter. The story will be stronger if you can structure it so that we learn everything we need to from one perspective.

[He was 6’6 and]

You need two tick marks after the inch number. However, I recommend against giving exact heights in description, as most people can’t immediately translate them to a mental image. More descriptive terms, such as “towering”, paint a better image.

[left a trail of lavish gold fabric spilling down the wood like honey as he walked by]

This description confuses me. Is fabric literally coming off his robe? When I think of honey, I think of it as very sticky and fixed, yet fabric is very fluid and flowing. This is an odd thing to focus on, though; Ghetsis’ cloak is only trimmed with gold. The eye pattern is what would capture most peoples’ attention first, I think. (I’m also pretty sure it’s not a kimono.)

[The injured side of his face was on fire with pain but it would not have hurt any less if he had scowled instead.]

That sounds a lot worse than he looks in game. In his official art his face looks completely fine, even in B2W2 when he otherwise looks like a mess. It’s plausible he’s missing an eye, but the rest of his head seems to have escaped unscathed. I doubt a post-scarcity society like the pokeworld’s would lack effective pain treatment for him, regardless.

[Today, ladies and gentlemen, I would like to talk to to you about Pokemon Liberation,” N’s adoptive father began to speak.]

“Speak” is not a speech verb, so the narration here is a separate sentence and should be punctuated accordingly.

[Grey wanted to dig a whole]

You want “hole”. “Whole” is an adjective.

[Pokemon trainers who did dot approve]

Typo.

[Nuvema town]

All parts of a name are capitalized, so this should be “Nuvema Town”.

This scene here is really disjointed and hard to follow. You need to slow down and describe where all the actors are and when they come in.

Why is Grey so stupid? Zorua are extremely rare in canon, and that’s explained by them being exceptionally good at blending in; it’s even possible for them to pass as human. Why isn’t she using her illusion here? Why does she seem to have no hiding or survival instinct? Did she not have a parent to teach her this stuff?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12853080/1/The-Curse-of-Cofagrigus

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[After 3 months]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

A new speaker requires a new paragraph. Not doing this makes following your dialogue too much work to continue.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12853090/1/Happy-Birthday-Nicobay

This is incoherent.

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