[19] The Other Pokereviews, Part 95

A supposedly shippy fic about Nanu being nasty to Guzma, and a stupid Pokemonization of Beauty and the Beast that completely misses the point of both the original myth and the characters it pigeonholes into the roles.

Anime count: 4

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12853262/1/Return-to-Unova

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. This is just background summary, and cutting off right before we get to the actual premise isn’t a cliffhanger, it’s just a dick move. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12853267/1/Radiant-Mirror-Pok%C3%A9mon-X

[Emilia Grey is the new girl in Vaniville Town, having moved for the purpose of an internship with Professor Sycamore. However, things don’t go as planned when her neighbor and his younger sister informs her that she has a starter Pokémon ready for her. Emilia is excited about her adventure that would hopefully mend her past wounds, but a new threat to the Kalos region changes her.]

This is a really vague and general summary that could describe any number of “trainer goes on a journey” stories. What’s special about Emilia? What are her past wounds? How will this threat change her? These are the pieces that make your story unique; they are therefore your strongest hooks, so you should lead with them.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[People on this planet are of the same species, yet they differ in many ways.]

This is a weird thing to emphasize in a setting with pokemon.

[No one but themselves can determine who they are and what makes them who they are. […] One person can determine who they are all on their own, be it good or bad. The good strive for peace among each other, while the bad seek power to do as they please. People perish for following the bad path of life.]

This sounds contradictory to me. You say it’s impossible for outsiders to judge a person, then the narrator makes sweeping generalizations on what makes a person “good” or “bad” as well as a judgment for what will happen to the bad.

[“Because, my dearest little brother,” I began, my green eyes still focused on the canvas. “Behind every masterpiece]

When dialogue is interrupted mid-sentence, the narration doesn’t end the sentence. It has to be all one line, like [“Because, my dearest little brother,” I began, my green eyes still focused on the canvas, “behind every masterpiece].

[Once his dark brown optics landed on the painting]

What?

This is certainly a different opening than usual, but it still doesn’t tell us much about the story itself. This would be a more effective opening if you appended this to your current second chapter, or at least published the first two chapters together.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12853309/1/Pokemon-The-New-Adventure

[his Mom’s]

When not used as a name, “mom” is a common noun and therefore not capitalized. “Pokemon GO”, however, is a product name, and therefore should be capitalized.

Chapters need to be more than four sentences. Try harder.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12853360/1/pokeshifters-shadows-reborn

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

[Alex wanted to be normal his whole life,but as a shifter that was next to impossible. However after one bad day everything changed]

Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context.

This is a mess. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12853496/1/The-Reason-To-Be-Created

Your summary needs to say what your story is actually about.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Centering all your text makes it difficult to read.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[No, i’m not here ti hurt you]

This level of laziness in writing is insulting. I should not have to tell you to capitalize “I”. Put a bare minimum of effort into this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12853586/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Sun-s-Foot-Fetish

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

Script format is banned on this site, and for good reason. You’re an author, not a screenwriter.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12853744/1/Polar-Opposites

I really have to say I’m not a fan of obtuse shipping names. Please just say the pairing like every other fandom, it’s much clearer.

A drabble is a word for something written and edited to be precisely 100 words. It’s a writing exercise, not a term for any kind of short story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12853801/1/A-New-Life-AdvanceShipping

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

Including author’s notes in the middle of a story is not a good idea. Stories run on immersion and suspension of disbelief; interrupting the story and pointing to the wires shatters that, much like an actor breaking character in a theater production.

[(A.N. : Ash can understand his Pokemon, so he can converse with them normally)]

Then why is he not horrified that his culture is entrapping talking beings?

Script format is banned on this site, and for good reason. You’re an author, not a screenwriter.

[Flashback]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12853871/1/Jirachella-Magma-Chronicles-The-Awakening

Your summary seems to have stripped spaces after punctuation.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice. Also, a prologue and a “chapter 1” are two separate things.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12854058/1/What-the-Cat-Dragged-In

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[red eyed]

This should be hyphenated.

Nanu seems really awful here, especially considering that he is part of the oppressive system that drove Guzma to this state.

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you should put your best foot forward. The hook of this story appears to be Nanu/Guzma interaction, but that hasn’t happened yet. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12854136/1/The-journey-of-Asher

[While all his peers went of to become Pokémon masters]

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon, but you did so here.

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

[Follow Asher, a 17 year old boy who put off being a pokémon trainer until now. Follow him on his journey to be the very best like no one ever was.]

Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

You don’t need to title the story in the fic itself.

[We will now be switching to his POV.]

This is incredibly jarring and unnecessary. Just start with his POV.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Also, a new speaker requires a new paragraph. Not doing this makes following your dialogue too much work to continue.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12854158/1/Everything

Songfic is banned on this site, and for good reason.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12854296/1/The-Camera-Eye

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12854591/1/Pokemon-Light-And-Dark

You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.

[Join Mia and her best friend Ralph in a adventure of a life time in the world of Pokemon!]

You want “an adventure”, and summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

[P.S this is a made up verse with made up Pokemon in it.]

That’s generally unwise unless you are extremely good at description or have illustrations, as a big draw of pokemon are their appearances.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Chapters need to be longer than this. Try harder.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12854650/1/Muk-s-One-Weakness

You don’t need to include the title in the story body itself.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[After this weird exchange (I suppose they were communicating)]

Including author’s notes in the middle of a story is not a good idea. Stories run on immersion and suspension of disbelief; interrupting the story and pointing to the wires shatters that, much like an actor breaking character in a theater production.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

A dry overview of game mechanics doesn’t make for a very interesting story, and this ending is just pointlessly trite if you’re not actually going to explore the implications.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12854700/1/Talk

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

If you separate author’s notes with a horizontal line, you should use a different marker for scene breaks.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12855193/1/Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-Adrift

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

Look, you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. It might seem like it’s harder to think up characters than have someone else do it for you, but it’s actually far more work to try to figure out how to write a random batch of personalities and backstories, then figure out how you can make them fit into your story and get along with each other. If you make up characters based on what you need for your story, it’s not only a much better story for it, it’s easier to do. Almost all SYOC stories end up never updating, those that do often die after a chapter or two, and even the ones that continue a bit longer are plagued by meandering non-plots and characters who don’t seem to have any point to their scenes. If you have concerns about this, take them here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142912324/1/Stop-Asking-For-OCs

I know the Mystery Dungeon games use pokemons’ species names as given names, but that’s a terrible and confusing convention. You should really be giving your characters real names.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12855225/1/Beauty-and-the-Zoroark

[A Pokemon adaptation of “Beauty and the Beast”. Diancie casts a curse over N and his castle because of his hatred for humans. Now N stays in his castle, doomed to forever be a Zoroark, unless a human girl finds it in her to love a beast.]

Good grief, that’s a horrible mangling of the characters. If you’re going to be adapting canon characters into other stories, actually think about what they represent.

[N demanded to know what she wanted, but deep down, he knew. All humans were the same, after all. He feared she would harm the Pokémon that he was raising himself… the ones he had taken from many trainers he believed abused them. He worked so hard to nurse them back to health… no Pokemon deserved to be with this woman.

The woman, however, was someone he shouldn’t have dealt with. He had taken a Carbink from this woman a year ago. And now the woman was coming back for her Carbink.

N refused, fearing the Carbink would return to its awful state a year ago.]

For instance, this is an actually reasonable behavior given the beliefs he holds, and it makes negative sense that a pokemon would be against his goals or feel the need to trick him into helping her when he is such an honest soul. The point of the original story is that the prince was being a dick for no reason, and even then a lot of people point out that the fairy was pretty dickish too.

I also find it darkly amusing that you don’t say what happens to the carbink afterwards or why N didn’t talk to it despite this supposedly being all about its wellbeing. The fact that you’re so quick to use and discard a pokemon as a cheap plot device is really just making me think that N has a point.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. This is just summarizing the opening of a fairy tale we all already know. You could tell the entire story in one chapter if you told the whole story like this. Get to the part where your addition meaningfully changes things. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12855291/1/The-broken-angel

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[FLASHBACK 5 YEARS]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

[Thats not all i lost Gary]

That you think this is an acceptable submission is insulting to your readers. I should not have to tell you that “I” is capitalized. Put a bare minimum of effort into this.

5 Comments

  1. ? says:
    “Optics” for eyes just makes me think of robots, though that’s probably because if I recall correctly it’s been used in canon in Transformers.
    1. SpoonyViking says:

      It has.

      “Nooooo! I’ll rip out your optics!”

      – MEGATRON, Transformers (1986).

      1
      1. ? says:
        Yeah that was what I was thinking of, I was pretty sure.
  2. ? says:
    That “Pokemon Sun’s Foot Fetish” fic that the review says is in script format doesn’t appear to be in script format. Did it change after the review was posted?

    (Speaking of things that break FanFiction.net’s rules, though, I think explicit porn is supposed to be disallowed there as well, though of course people post it there anyway. But maybe it should be pointed out it in these reviews like script format and songfics are?)

    1. Farla says:

      For me, the distinction is that script can be easily tweaked to rules-compliant narration just fine, and assuming there’s any “fic” to the songfic, it’s again an easy tweak to just delete the lyrics. A story revolving around two people fucking, not so much.

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