[19] The Other Pokereviews, Part 96

One pokescrewing fic that manages to be only regular romance levels of creepy, and one that does not. More positively, a fic about N that is decent but still too equivocal about the subjugation of pokemon.

Anime count: 5

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12855354/1/Someone-To-Watch-Over-Me

[She once was quite cowardly, but now you would never know.]

The general you sounds awkward in third-person. I recommend rephrasing this.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[It was such a lovely day outside, the sun was beaming]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

[It was warm and sunny, perfect day to be outside enjoying the weather.]

Missing article here.

[But no, he can’t]

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well.

[bedridden and too poorly to move anywhere]

It looks like you dropped a word here. This many errors so quickly shows that you need a beta reader; your errors are very distracting and make the story difficult to read. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

[His only saving grace was Andraste]

Dragon Age reference?

Talking pokemon are an enormous can of worms you shouldn’t open unless you have a very good explanation for why one group of people is being owned by another group of people. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142476358/1/Pokemon-Intelligence

[She was very cowardly back then all those years when she was living out in the streets as a wild, and far from the full size of an ordinary Absol, and because of the unfair tales of her species most humans tried their hardest to keep away from her. Unfortunately those that did tended to pick on her such that one special day a group of human bullies thought it would be fun to pick on her.]

Hey, remember when kids in your neighborhood decided to bully a bear and they all died? No? There’s a reason sadists torture small animals like cats and squirrels instead. And even a weak pokemon is stronger than the toughest animals on Earth due to their magic powers. Even a runt should be able to fight off humans easily. Humans are *pathetic*.

[Fergus in his underage innocence]

Really not a good choice of words. You really need to rephrase this. Are you not a native speaker? This has some unfortunate connotations that may not be conveyed by a dictionary.

[“You know, I’ve always seen you as the daughter I’ve never had.” Helen told. “Though I suppose now I should see you more like a daughter-in-law.”]

And thanks for the incest implications, we really needed that.

[Andraste watched on with subconscious glee as he twisted himself back and forth, facing away from the Absol and not minding her presence as she secretly admired the curves on his back.]

This is really creepy and exploitative. She should not be doing this unless he knows and is okay with it.

[“I thought it was the males who are supposed to protect the females.”]

Gender essentialism: really not something that has to be brought up in every romance.

So. While you do a good job of showing that the human is actually nice and respects her personhood, it’s still a little weird to have a romance about a woman being obsessively devoted to a man because of one big favor. If that’s your kink, alright, but it makes this pretty shallow as a romance story. Real people and real romances are a lot more complicated than one perfect saint helping a sad vulnerable person, and those complications are what make stories interesting.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12855619/1/The-Pokemon-Gamer

I guarantee you do not need a speech key. If basic actions aren’t obvious from context, you’re doing something wrong.

This is a mess. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12855624/1/A-change-of-Pace-or-Life

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

[All trainers must take a 3 year long break]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

I see from your profile you are German. In English, only proper nouns, the names of places or things, are capitalized. Pokemon species are not proper nouns, so they should not be capitalized either.

Even besides that, however, this is a mess. I really recommend sticking to your native language for now. If you want to continue writing in English, you should get a beta reader to help you. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12855758/1/Close-Yet-Far

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

If you use horizontal lines to separate your author’s notes, you should use a different marker for scene transitions.

[“Dawn,” a girl panted]

I’m trying to picture how she’s panting out a single word and failing. “Said breathlessly” is perhaps closer to what you meant?

[like a dog who’s been offered a cookie]

Contractions imply present tense, so you should change this to “who had” to match the past tense of the rest of the story.

[And technically I’m not late on the first day since you know, orientation doesn’t count,” May laughed]

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. When the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb it’s considered a separate sentence, so the dialogue is written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You’re overusing uncommon speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever fancy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12855813/1/Black-and-White

[The few people he passed by kept their distance, and one or two of them spent more time staring at him than what would’ve been polite.]

How do they not recognize him? The face of a national terrorist should have been all over the news.

[This is all your fault, you know, the Starly chirped. That beast you brought with you even has the humans nervous.]

This is an interesting insight into pokemon politics. Why is peaceful Zekrom agitating the pokemon so much? Does it create some kind of psychic intimidation effect? Also interesting that even other pokemon deride Zekrom as a “beast”. What caused so much bad blood there?

[Maybe it’d be better if it did]

Seems weird a pokemon would refer to another pokemon as “it”. It seems more likely to me they’d use “they”.

[The man paused for a moment before answering. “It’s Nat,” he said.]

Ah, that’s clever. Smart N!

[“Didn’t think so. We get Trainers stopping by sometimes, but I didn’t really get that vibe from you.”

She shrugged.]

Speakers and their actions are generally paired together. This would flow better if you removed the line break.

[“That’s not what I meant,” she remarked.]

That’s not what remarked means. You’re overusing uncommon speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever fancy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

[“I don’t think the Pokémon care much about where the reserve begins or ends. All the types that live there are in the surrounding areas as well.”]

This is very interesting. I do wonder why the pokemon don’t congregate in the safe zone.

[If we leave soon, there’ll be time to cover a lot of ground before nightfall,” he added]

Missing period here.

[there are places further east]

This is referring to physical distance, so it should be “farther”.

If you use lines to separate your author’s notes, you should use a different marker for scene transitions.

[I’m a little worried about whether N was in-character or not]

He isn’t, but I don’t care because I hate his real characterization. I much prefer yours. He feels like a much more interesting and complicated character who’s actually grappling with the issues instead of immediately capitulating and loving Big Brother because God forbid we let there be any moral nuance in this franchise. (I am a little bitter about the resolution of B/W.)

[The bit about settlers and logging has a historical basis, although it didn’t turn out the same way in real life. The giant sequoias are still out there if you go to the right places, but a lot of the oldest ones were cut down at one point or another. I’d like to think that in this kind of setting, things might’ve turned out a little better.]

That is a nice thought. I do have to say, though, that there was a notable absence of Native Americans in the story, which raises some uncomfortable thoughts on its own.

This was a nice story. I like fics that take N and his philosophy seriously. I feel like you pulled your punches, though, and could have engaged with the setting a bit more. For instance, this…

[“Some of the humans wanted to fight back. They’d come armed, and they’d brought their own Pokémon with them. They thought they could force their way through, and they didn’t care how many wild Pokémon were hurt or killed in the process as long as they got what they wanted.”

N paused. “But…not everyone thought that way. Whether they were reluctant to hurt the wild Pokémon, or took their behavior as a warning, or simply decided that persisting was more trouble than it was worth, most of the humans lost interest. In the end, it was declared forbidden to enter those groves, and they found safer places to cut wood. Many years later, the ban was lifted, but the groves remained protected. People came there to explore, to battle, or just to see the trees for themselves, but as long as they weren’t there to destroy the giant trees, the Pokémon didn’t drive them out like they had before.”]

I hope you can see how this has some really uncomfortable parallels to how settlers treated Native Americans in our world, and their ultimate fate. In the real world it was even worse, of course – they did indeed massacre the natives for their land, and they were not able to stop the settlers. But even here, think about what you’re saying. The humans wanted to take everything for themselves, and it took a Herculean effort on the pokemons’ part to preserve even the most important part of their land. You do not even make it clear if the humans relented because they truly listened or simply because they could not overwhelm the pokemon, and I hardly think their behavior is worth praising unless we know for sure it’s the former. Even still – for these efforts, the pokemon were magnanimously rewarded with… their once-vast territory being reduced to tiny pockets they had to defend by tooth and nail, and now in modern times even those protections are crumbling away.

Unova tells us, loudly and repeatedly, that pokemon training is a mutalistic relationship that benefits everyone equally. But what we actually *see* does not show that at all. Pokemon help humans a lot, but we never see what pokemon get out of the relationship. Humans take pokemon (who have been repeatedly confirmed to be fully sapient) from their homes and bind them into service as workers and battlers. In exchange for this, they get… what? They are treated like animals, implicitly depersonalized every time someone says “people and pokemon”, and stuffed in boxes when they are no longer useful.

[Despite our mistakes, and our misunderstandings, the world as it is would not exist if humans and Pokémon were truly incapable of coexisting. At our best, we can achieve more together than we could ever do apart.]

In sum, I don’t think there is enough evidence to justify the equivocal conclusion Zekrom and N come to here. The issue was never that pokemon and humans are incapable of coexisting – it’s that humans’ definition of “coexistence” means complete subjugation of pokemon. Could they coexist if pokemon had the same degree of freedom as humans? That’s the real question here.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12855871/1/Pokemon-Real-Version

[Arceus contacts Sam through his 3ds! What could this mean? Find out I this weird thing I thought of at 12 am]

Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot? And if you’re planning on a long-form plot, you should probably reflect on your late night idea and plan it out before posting. You’re not on a deadline.

[“Who’s rhis?”]

And run a spellchecker too.

All sentences need to end in punctuation.

[Hah! A cliffhanger]

No, cutting off in the middle of a scene is just bad writing. This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

This is also a mess, grammatically. I don’t care that you just had to post your sleep-deprived idea immediately. Make sure it’s readable first.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12855896/1/A-New-Adventure-The-Tale-of-Team-Tempest

A new speaker requires a new paragraph. Not doing this makes following your dialogue too much work to continue.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Look, you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. It might seem like it’s harder to think up characters than have someone else do it for you, but it’s actually far more work to try to figure out how to write a random batch of personalities and backstories, then figure out how you can make them fit into your story and get along with each other. If you make up characters based on what you need for your story, it’s not only a much better story for it, it’s easier to do. Almost all SYOC stories end up never updating, those that do often die after a chapter or two, and even the ones that continue a bit longer are plagued by meandering non-plots and characters who don’t seem to have any point to their scenes. If you have concerns about this, take them here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142912324/1/Stop-Asking-For-OCs

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12855902/1/An-Amorous-Story

You don’t need to title the story in the body itself; it’s redundant with the regular title.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Two supportive reviews, one suicide-baiting flame from someone who blocked me. Because complaining about world mislabeling is tyranny, but suicide-baiting is just peachy.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12856751/1/A-new-Pok%C3%A9mon-companion

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

[Today in the Tasmoto Reign in a small town called Burnie two siblings will be starting on their Pokémon journey, what kind of Pokémon and people will they meet along the way.]

Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

Script format is banned on this site, and for good reason. You’re an author, not a screenwriter.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12856790/1/Pokemon-Island

[NOTE: is not finished.]

Then why don’t you just remove the “Complete” label?

This is a mess. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12856797/1/Comparing

A drabble is a word for something written and edited to be precisely 100 words. It’s a writing exercise, not a term for any kind of short story.

[making the fire start,-her reaction always amused him- but]

Missing space here, and using hyphens without spaces in place of dashes is confusing. To avoid people thinking you’re hyphenating words, you should put spaces around the hyphen, or use a double dash.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12857049/1/Leafless-In-Alola

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. This is barely even a single scene, and she hasn’t even gotten to Alola when that’s the entire premise. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12857068/1/Break-It

[Pokémon and people]

So pokemon aren’t people?

This is a different premise from normal, but this is still too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. This is barely a single scene. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12857159/1/Pokemon-Cosmic-Journey

[Sedna and Aries, two trainers from Pallet Town received their first Pokemon from Professor Oak! Now, the two must guard each other’s back as they embark on their very first adventure in the Kanto region. With lots of challenges and options options, how will these two new trainers adapt to their surroundings and make friends? Find out in: Cosmic Journey!]

Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

[she stopped before looking out of a window to see the neighbors house.]

This sentence needs to be capitalized, and you’re missing an apostrophe for “neighbor’s”.

[Sedna was 5’4 with dark red hair that came down to her mid back. She wore a black trainers jacket but had a red bow tied around her head. With black jeans and black and red running shoes, she was ready to go immediately.]

Opening the story with excessive physical description is an instant turnoff. Do you see how rushed and awkward this sounds? This early on, you should stick to information that is immediately relevant. More minor details can come after readers have gotten invested. You also need two tick marks to denote inches, and listing height down to the exact inch is unwise anyway. Most people don’t have an immediate mental image for what exactly 5’4’’ looks like. It’s better to use more general descriptors like “average height”.

[So; she didn’t stall after what her mother told her and instead proceeded to head over to her childhood friends house.]

That semicolon shouldn’t be there, and you’ve got another missing apostrophe. You’re making a lot of strange errors, and they make your story hard to follow. Are you not a native speaker? You should get a beta reader to help you. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

If you use lines to separate author’s notes, you should use a different marker for scene transitions.

So do you have a plot for this? The standard badge quest is not a plot. If you’re just trying to novelize the game, you’re going to peter out. That’s not an indictment of your skill, that’s just a fact based on years of observation. Read this for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/143219856/1/Actually-Writing-an-OT-Fic-Part-1

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12857280/1/Ultra-Beasts-adventures

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

Script format is banned on this site, and for good reason. You’re an author, not a screenwriter.

Your skill with English is not yet sufficient to be writing stories. I recommend sticking to your native language for now.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12857536/1/Nanka-s-Pok%C3%A9mon-Miiverse-Adventure

Centering all text makes it difficult to read.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12857685/1/Harmony-In-Hoenn

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

[The 5 elements are scattered around the pokemon world, each residing in a different trainer – Dash, who is the 6 element is set the task of finding the elements in order to stop a rising danger that threatens to take over the world.]

Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. Who is Dash, and why should I care about him? That he has some random power or MacGuffin doesn’t inspire my interest. Who is he as a person, what’s his stake in this? What is the rising danger? What makes this different and unique from the thousands of other stories with the same premise?

Also, in prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

[I continued to grumble in annoyance, rubbing my head gently as a small pain began to fill it, “I will]

[Littleroot town]

All parts of a name are capitalized, so this should be “Littleroot Town”.

[-In Dash’s Room -]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

This becomes more of a mess the further I read. You need to try harder and get a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

If you use lines to separate your author’s notes, you should use a different marker for scene transitions.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12857705/1/Rise-of-Legends-Rewritten

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or champion. Or mother. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[Using some coins she had (Or maybe stole from the house)]

The backspace key exists. If you change your mind, just change the story. Regardless, including author’s notes in the middle of a story is not a good idea. Stories run on immersion and suspension of disbelief; interrupting the story and pointing to the wires shatters that, much like an actor breaking character in a theater production.

[“…”]

This is a visual art convention and doesn’t work in prose.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12857770/1/Have-Stranger-Things-Happened

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon. However, you shouldn’t capitalize species names either, for the same reasons.

[cycling through Route 34; a fairly short seaside path between the bustling Goldenrod City and the mysterious Ilex Forest.]

This is improper semicolon usage. As a general rule of thumb, you should be able to replace semicolons with periods and still have the resulting sentences make sense; for instance, what I’m doing here. You want a comma here.

[The Next Morning]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

You don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context, and you really shouldn’t mix multiple POVs with first-person.

[It broke my heart seeing my master in such low spirits. Wait, did I call him master again? I should stop calling him that. He keeps telling me that it makes him uncomfortable. Sometimes I can’t help it though, he is my master, isn’t he?]

So this raises the salient point here: this is an incredibly unbalanced relationship. She’s right, he is her master. She is his property. He didn’t even come up with a name for her, he just calls her what she is. He has complete control over her movements and physical needs. And more than that, he took her from her home when she was a child and raised her. This relationship is overflowing with consent issues. If master/servant pseudo-incestuous relationships are your kink, alright, but please tag for it.

[After his relationship ended with that… that… witch he was with, he’s been so heartbroken.]

Also, just once I’d like to see a romance story where the last girl wasn’t the spawn of Satan. People can have amiable breakups.

[He knows what I’m trying to do, and somehow, he’s taught himself to repel my powers. I don’t know how he does it, but it… irks me. All I want is to be better in tune with his emotions, to gain a greater understanding of the one I lov-I mean care about. I know humans make a big fuss over privacy and all that, but it just bothers me!]

And oh boy you’ve included the other horrible cliché of making the gardevoir disregard consent too. Why do you think this is romantic? Why do you think this relationship is going to be at all sustainable?

A new speaker requires a new paragraph. Not doing this makes following your dialogue too much work to continue. Although, this caught my eye:

[“You deserve a name, Gardevoir. A name befitting someone as beautiful and wonderful as you. Is there a name you want to be called?”

Gardevoir stares at the man in front of her for several seconds. She finds her eyes growing moist yet again. This time however, the tears shed are not those of sadness. They’re those of overwhelming bliss.

“I think… I want to be named Anya. Do you find that acceptable?”]

Why doesn’t she have her own name? Pokemon are social creatures.

Dragon Quill

Writing With Scales

[19] The Other Pokereviews, Part 96

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