[20] The Other Pokereviews, Part 71

A lot of unremarkable OT fic. There is one real-world fic about Japan using pokemon to take over the world, but the first chapter ends before that happens because the author decided to spend all their time on genealogy instead; and a “realistic” fic set in a pokemon world without pokemon, because that makes sense.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12639828/1/Pokemon-Blazing-Sun

[The Journey begin for three trainer arriving at Alola region as they aim to reach their own goal and encountering bizarre characters along their way.]

Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[“W-Well, I came from Unova you know!” Moon spoke.

“Oh! Really? I never being there before but I did hear people mentioning and mostly about mega evolution.” Sun excitedly reply.]

Kalos is the one with mega evolution. Unova’s only specialty is not having any pokemon from the other regions.

So do you have a plot for this? The standard journey quest is not a plot. If you’re just trying to novelize the game, you’re going to peter out. Read this for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/143219856/1/Actually-Writing-an-OT-Fic-Part-1

Are you not a native speaker? Your tenses and verb conjugations fluctuate a lot, making the story hard to follow. You should try getting a beta reader to help you. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

I don’t recommend writing SYOC fic, for the reasons explained in this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142912324/1/Stop-Asking-For-OCs

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12645842/1/You-re-My-Poison

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

[(Real word)]

This isn’t a comic book; you can establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12643408/1/Diamond-in-the-Rough

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12647394/1/Time-Away

I don’t recommend writing SYOC fic, for the reasons explained in this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142912324/1/Stop-Asking-For-OCs . It is also against the rules of the site to post chapters with non-story content, so you should put this at the end of your first chapter instead.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12647394/2/Time-Away

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[keeping it’s nose up]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

Uh… I really don’t see what this has to do with Pokemon. From the sounds of it, your characters are functionally humans with magic powers, and the story seems to be set in your own setting that you haven’t explained anything about. This seems like something that would be better served as original fiction. See here for more details: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165030563/1/Original-Fiction

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12646710/1/Sub-Rosa

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

[Pokémon is copyrighted to The Pokémon Company and Nintendo, respectively.]

“Respectively” implies there should be two items here, but you’ve only listed Pokemon.

[It started after midnight, usually on an even number.]

This is unclear – an even number of what? Hours? Minutes?

[his hands fumbling across the sheets that, by that time in the night had to be damp with his sweat]

That comma shouldn’t be there.

[kept solely decoration or the comfort it brought him.]

You dropped a “for” here, I think.

[An effort to capture the precious of moments of sleep he would be able to get once he realized the sirens in his dreams were just a passing flock of flying-types.]

What?

[who’s actions]

You want “whose”. “Who’s” means “who is”.

[Two weeks ago they found a family sized bottle of chocolate syrup in the back of the fridge – at the time it was three days out of date, but Conan didn’t bother bringing it up, it was only three, but that was sixteen days ago.]

This is a run-on sentence. Commas would normally work for “it was only three”, but because the aside is already in a dependent clause, it forms a run-on. I recommend restructuring this. [Two weeks ago they found a family sized bottle of chocolate syrup in the back of the fridge. (At the time it was three days out of date, but Conan didn’t bother bringing it up – it was only three. But that was sixteen days ago.)] would work, but there are other options too. I believe a parenthetical may be the best choice, as this is a very minor detail.

[Their nightly drink had resulted in most of his parent’s cups and glasses ending up in the sink, stained with expired chocolate sauce that he hadn’t felt compelled to wash, the result was the kitchen smelling sickly sweet.]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

Your prose is very overwrought in general. It’s not quite purple prose, but it’s slow to read, and you tend to bury the lede with your sentence structure. You sentences in general are too long, with lots of clauses that make it hard to keep track of information. This, and several other errors I identified here, make me think you should find a beta reader.

I’m not entirely sure how SYOC is going to work for this, either. This chapter appears to be a prologue, so the actual story hasn’t even started yet. I don’t have a good idea of what the setting is or what the characters will be doing.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12650091/1/Ashton-Ketchum-Pok%C3%A9mon-Attorney

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

[Story is set to the mechanics of Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney. AU and NOT A CROSSOVER.]

Using the mechanics from another work counts as a crossover. If it won’t make sense to someone without familiarity with the source, you should probably list the source. There is also the consideration that people generally read fanfiction because they want stories with a similar tone and focus. Even if knowledge of Ace Attorney isn’t necessary to understand the story, that franchise has a very different story structure, making this a crossover in spirit even if not in letter.

[“Who’s there?” the voice, probably belonging to a middle-aged male, became louder.]

When narration doesn’t describe how something is being said, it’s a separate sentence and is capitalized accordingly. So this should be [“Who’s there?” The voice, probably belonging to a middle-aged male, became louder.]

[*WHAM!*]

This isn’t a comic book. Sound effects should be described in prose.

[The Judge nodded. “First question, Mr. Ketchum. What was the cause of death?”

– Blood loss

– Blunt force trauma

– Electrocution]

…And you are literally structuring this like a video game script. This just looks incredibly awkward. If you want to make a video game, make a video game; there are many free IF engines, such as Twine, you can use. But here, you’re writing literature. Don’t try to force the medium to be something it isn’t.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12650203/1/Ash-s-Pokemon-Hybrid-Journey

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You appear to have forgotten to post your story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12650477/1/Love-Me-Dearly

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

Blocked! This wouldn’t normally be notable, but this is a troll I actually thought was unflappable. Someone’s not so above it all!

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12650519/1/Ash-and-Ember-Kanto-Arc

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

[Aura, Smart-ish Ash]

If you don’t want to write about Ash, you can just not write about Ash, you know. Just write about your OC instead of insisting they’re wearing Ash’s skin as a suit.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12650776/1/Pokemon-You-want-to-be-the-very-best

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

Your title isn’t fully capitalized.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[I’ll be right out mom!]

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12650786/1/Liquid-Flames

[Forced to watch his mother burn to death, Ash is joined by a unique Meowth and a Houndour of unknown origins with unique abilities. One day he will get his revenge. Btw, this was just something I did cause why not, don’t know if it’ll be updated or completed or not. Just PM me if you want me to work on it more.]

A fridging, how original.

That second part should be in your author’s notes, not your summary. You’ve got limited space in your summary, and it should be spent on explaining what your story is about.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12651528/1/Tales-of-Pokemon-Delinquents

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

Script format is banned on this site, and for good reason. You’re an author, not a screenwriter.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12651122/1/Journey-through-the-Islands

Your title isn’t fully capitalized.

[A nuzlocke story based in Alola. Original characters, first published story feel free to leave your opinion and criticisms on it.]

Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

[Abigial Mitchell rose from her bed, streching her arms in a wide arch. She felt the fabric of her night shirt lift with her body, and was careful not to reveal too much to her neighbors.]

Uh, if she’s the Alolan protagonist, she’s 11. Is this really necessary?

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[the older womens shoulder,]

Missing apostrophe.

This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. This doesn’t tell us anything anyone familiar with the games doesn’t already expect. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

Also, you say this is a Nuzlocke… Keep in mind that what makes for a good game doesn’t necessarily make for a good story. The Nuzlocke rules do not make sense for a serious setting, and don’t inherently make for an interesting story besides. The standard journey story is already incredibly boring; what is really added by turning trainers into callous monsters willing to butcher innocents for petty goals?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12651925/1/POKEMON-THE-ULTIMATE-QUEST

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

[HE PROMISED THEY WILL STAY TOGETHER , ALWAYS . HE DIDN’T KEEP THAT PROMISE AND SHE WAS LOST AGAIN . LITTLE DID SHE KNOW , HE WILL RETURN FOR HER , FOR HIS FRIENDS , TO HAVE A ULTIMATE QUEST .]

You don’t need spaces before punctuation, and I’m not sure why you wrote this in all caps.

Generally, this is full of errors. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12651790/1/Level-Up

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12651687/1/Political-Espionage-of-the-Past-A-Pokemon-Fanfiction

[“This will be foreign languages, emphasized”

“This will be writing, with additional emphasis.’

“This will be Pokespeech, then emphasized. “]

I guarantee you do not need this key. If basic actions aren’t obvious from context, you’re doing something wrong. And while you are a step ahead of other authors by noticing the emphasis problem, underlining is really not a good choice. Standard form is to de-italicize italicized text for emphasis.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[“Yes comrade, I mean honey.” The second, a man, her just-married husband, said. They were to be placed as a group of husband and wife Portuguese spies, who the Soviets had covertly contacted the year before. They had gotten married so if the Portuguese wanted to check their marriage, it would be real. His name was Bykov.]

I don’t think you have a very good idea of how the real KGB operated. You need to do the research if you’re going to be referencing real things.

[The pair walked in, snow falling on their stereotypical Russian hats.]

Okay, so who’s narrating this? “Stereotypical” is a subjective term, and somehow I don’t think the Russians think that about their hats. Again, do your research; the hats have a name and history.

[the waning hours of Autumn]

Seasons aren’t capitalized.

…And now you’re just listing births? That’s a summary, not a story. Opening your story with a dry listing of information is very off-putting. You’re already doing major timeskips, so you should understand it’s okay to skip over minor details. You could have just started the story with the family in the present day, and brought up this information as it became relevant.

[(This is where the story begins)]

Then it’s where you should have started the chapter.

And because you didn’t, this is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. What is your story about? What makes it different from the tens of thousands of other stories in this category? We should know this by the end of the first chapter. Start where your plot starts; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

And in general, your prose is extremely stilted and awkward, making this hard to follow. I recommend getting a beta reader to help you. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12650067/1/Covert

[A secret organisation within the tribes of the islands tackles its greatest mission yet. Little do they know, this mission will have rippling effects throughout the world.]

Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

[no idea how its gonna go down]

Missing apostrophe.

[Note that this is a realistic story where the world is not as ideal as depicted in by the Nintendo franchise.]

Be careful about going down this rabbit hole. A world where everything sucks is no more realistic than one where everything is perfect – and honestly, the sheer number of terrorist organizations who have brought the world to its knees rather imply the canon world is far from ideal.

[Nearly 100 years ago, the major powers of then: Kanto, Johto, Sinnoh, and Unova, broke out into a terrible war.]

This is improper colon usage. The list of countries is an aside, and therefore needs an identical closing marker on the end. Dashes would work here. “The major powers of then” also sounds awkward; I would go with “The major powers of that time”.

[The backward tribes]

That’s a really loaded and subjective term; I doubt the tribes would describe themselves this way. Who’s narrating this? This only makes sense if you are using a biased and unreliable narrator. If you are going for an objective tone, you should avoid saying things like this.

[The large powers such as Kanto, Johto, Hoenn, Sinnoh, and even Unova dominated politics.]

“Even” the United States dominated politics? Pokeworld geography is identical to Earth’s, and in general it’s portrayed as if the world is the same except for pokemon. If deviate from this, you’re making the regions completely new, original countries, and you need to develop them before we can care about them. If these places aren’t Japan and America, I have no idea what they are, what they’re like, or why any of this is significant. You’re just throwing names at us.

Okay, so… this isn’t a story. It’s a summary of historical events. As I said, that’s not inherently interesting when we have no context. This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. Who and what is the story about, and why should we care? Your first chapter should answer those questions. Start where your plot starts; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12652124/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-First-Fire

[Chapter 1

“Prologue”]

Those terms are not synonymous. Read this for an explanation: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/#164376286

[The stress of work and responsibilities was probably cause of the insomnia]

Missing word here.

Centering your dialogue makes it hard to read.

This is extremely stilted and hard to follow. Are you not a native speaker? I highly recommend getting a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12651820/1/Guardian-of-Legends-Origins

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[Normal – ‘Speech’

Bold – ‘Telepathy’ / ‘Distant Voices’

Italics – ‘Inner Monologue (Thoughts)’

[Bold] – Pokédex Entry

Bold Italics – Pokéspeech]

I guarantee you do not need this key. If basic actions aren’t obvious from context, you’re doing something wrong. And bold is generally unwise choice for standard actions, as it’s very jarring. I recommend using different symbols for telepathy/pokespeech (as opposed to quotes) instead.

[– Mt. Silver –

Present Day]

This isn’t a comic book; you can establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

[Any normal person would’ve likely frozen to death up here, though this person was anything but normal.]

So you mean he literally has magic anti-freezing powers? Being an awesome trainer does not protect you from freezing to death.

[He closed his eyes, keeping a neutral face, the cold wind blew against his face,]

The second comma here is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

[And all he can think about is how much his life changed.]

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well. You have this problem all throughout the story, which makes it nearly impossible to follow. Pick past or present and stick with it.

[Her husband, man who went by the name of Tai Ryuko]

You want “a man”, I believe. Are you a non-native speaker?

And of course the mom dies tragically, how original. At least the dad doesn’t come back and she gets replaced by a female mentor figure, that’s… something, I guess.

[Where’s mom at]

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

This reads more like a summary than a story. You need to do more than just list events and, as a corollary, you can skip over minor, unimportant details, such as exactly how many trainers and pokemon are along a route.

[“Awesome! My name is Crystal, but everyone calls me Kris. I was a Trainer like you, before I decided to become Prof. Elm’s assistant. I had more joy in catching Pokémon and filling up my Pokédex than trying to become a Champion like my friend Ethan.”]

Why? Why couldn’t the girl become champion while the boy decided he wanted to stay in the background? Why have you divided the PCs along gendered lines like every other author? What does this add to the story?

So your main character has a cliched tragic backstory that doesn’t impede him in any way, gets a powerful foreign fan favorite pokemon right out of the gate, and you’ve taken care to remove the one original part of this setup by having him go straight to New Bark Town and starting the standard journey anyway. This does not inspire much interest.

Do you have a plot for this? The standard badge quest is not a plot. If you’re just trying to novelize the game, you’re going to peter out. Read this for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/143219856/1/Actually-Writing-an-OT-Fic-Part-1

8 Comments

  1. CrazyEd says:
    A fridging, how original.

    … I dunno, when you put it that way… I can’t say I can recall seeing an exceptionally large number of fridgings in previous review batches. As far as pokemon fanfiction is concerned, it actually does seem like it’s a fairly original idea.

    And of course the mom dies tragically, how original

    So, of course, as soon as I say that, we immediately get a second fridging in the very same batch.

    [The pair walked in, snow falling on their stereotypical Russian hats.]

    I’d love to hear illhousen comment on this, but it actually sounds somewhat reasonable. Those hats are kinda iconic of Russia, and I think an equivalent for America would be saying something like “the pair walked in, shielded from the sun by the wide brims of their stereotypical cowboy hats”. Those hats are probably one of the kinds of stereotypes that Russians enjoy with a sense of self-aware pride, like Americans with phrases like “baseball and apple pie” or stars and stripes bikinis.

     Why couldn’t the girl become champion while the boy decided he wanted to stay in the background?

    Perhaps he decided to base her character on Crystal’s counterpart in the Pokemon Adventures manga, who specializes in capturing pokemon and has absolutely no interest in something like becoming champion?




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    1. illhousen says:

      The hat in question is called ushanka (because it has “ears” on its sides), and it’s less like a cowboy hat and more like, I don’t know, a t-shirt: it’s very commonplace because it’s very good at its function of protecting you from cold. It doesn’t really convey some kind of identity inside Russia, it’s just, you know, a hat I wear so my ears won’t freeze.




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      1. CrazyEd says:
        That’s actually pretty interesting. Usually, those kinds of national associations get picked up even if the garment is worn for utterly practical reasons. Just look at the cowboy hat. It’s an extremely practical hat to wear in the regions that made wearing cowboy hats iconic of America. Loads of people still wear them, and hats like them, in the exact same context on a daily basis. Hell, my grandfather loved wearing a cowboy hat, and he wasn’t even a rancher or worked in some kind of outdoorsy context or anything like that.

        I expected something like “We might wear it just because it’s practical, but it’s still our hat, no matter how many Finns wear them because the weather is so similar and they’re extremely practical winter hats”. National pride is weird like that sometimes.




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      2. Act says:

        I always just called mine “the Russian hat.” I’d bet we identify them with you more than you do. (That baby got me through so many Boston winters, which I imagine are like Russian summers.




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        1. illhousen says:

          An interesting factoid: back in the Societ era, jeans were heavily associated with America and were seen in the same light as the cowboy hat mentioned above.

          As for Russian summers, they’re actually pretty warm in Moscow. This year’s summer was colder than usual, but even then the temperature was usually around 20-25 degrees.




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          1. CrazyEd says:
            Well, jeans were invented as a practical garment to be worn alongside cowboy hats in the same kinds of environments. The only reason they’re not seen as quintisentially American is because they were adopted by everyone else in other contexts. Jeans are useful for a lot of stuff other than what they were specifically intended for, but Russia really lacks the weather to need cowboy hats.

            As for your “pretty warm”, that “pretty warm” summer in Moscow is like… a slightly warm spring day in New Jersey.




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            1. illhousen says:

              Well, I think the reason ushanka is not seen in the same way as cowboy hat is because it’s too common. It’s not associated with a specific class of people like cowboys (who are romantisized and mythologized as the truest American people). It lacks history that would give it significance.




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              Reply
          2. Act says:

            jeans were heavily associated with America and were seen in the same light as the cowboy hat mentioned above

            Now it’s all track suits, all the time!




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