[20] The Other Pokereviews, Part 75

Mostly unremarkable stuff, one instance of Giratina pigeonholing.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12695276/1/Kanto-s-Rhapsody

[Red, a boy from Pallet Town, wants nothing to do with battling after he witnessed his friend being taken away from a massive bird pokemon and couldn’t do anything to stop it.]

It sounds like you want “taken away BY a massive bird pokemon” here.

[the cicada’s chirping]

This should probably just be “cicadas”, without the apostrophe. Right now, you’re saying that one specific cicada is chirping.

[The boy took a few moments to breath in the fresh air.]

You want “breathe”. Breath is the noun.

[The town got it’s name]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

This many errors right out of the gate is a sign you need to brush up on your grammar, and possibly get a beta reader to help you. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

[A “Palette” or a clean slate]

Uh… that is not at all what a palette is. A canvas is a clean slate. A palette is just where you hold the paints.

[ready for the colors of the people to mix with the town and create art.]

This is a better metaphor, but still strained. Pallet is a backwater. There is no art to be made in the town itself. The name is meant to evoke the idea of potential and beginnings, but that’s a very meta component based on the fact it’s the starting point of the games. It’s clear that not all journeys have to begin in Pallet, so the name doesn’t make much sense in-universe.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon, but you shouldn’t capitalize species either, for the same reasons.

[Selene-chan]

Do not do this. You’re not writing in Japanese. This is just incredibly awkward.

[“S-sure.” Blue said]

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[“…”]

This is a visual art convention that doesn’t work in prose.

While I’m glad you have things happening and seem to have a plot in mind, your writing is hard to get through. Your prose is too simplistic and utilitarian; it just describes what’s happening without any embellishment or emotion, and often with very short, simple sentences. You should try using more complex sentences and turns of phrase. Many published books will give you good examples of how to do this.

Also, you really need to drop all the anime tics. They don’t work outside of a visual medium; they’re shorthands for more complex emotions that you should be describing in detail in a prose story. In prose, quite frankly, they are insufferable.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12695278/1/Haters-Gonna-Hate

[Leaf is an aspiring Ace Trainer and a contender for the Pokemon championship. With the help of her trusty starter Flora, her older brother Ash and her long-time rival/jerkface/bff Gary, she sets out on a journey through Kanto to achieve her dreams. But! Her lifetime aspiration may not be all she obtains…]

…Yes, and? Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

I would also argue that this belongs in the Anime world. You may be using a game character, but the game protagonists are blank slates and thus effectively OCs. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[White. That was the first thing she saw. Bright, pure white, with some duller white in the background. Was she dead? Ha-ha, fat chance. That was simply her light bulb with the aged ceiling in the background.

“If I was dead, though…” she trailed off, deciding mentally that she would murder her soul for deciding to die on this day of all days.]

…What? This is incredibly convoluted. If she knows it’s just a lightbulb, why is the narration so overdramatic? Opening your story with a psyche-out doesn’t inspire confidence in readers.

[our fourteen-year-old heroine was chipper than she usually was]

Do you mean “more chipper”?

[a content smile]

That should be “contented”, I believe.

[ASH’s POV]

You don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context.

[“OH EM GEEE! OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG!” Leaf screamed, scrambling out of her warm bed and then proceeding to cartwheel around the room. Her hormones were especially active today. Not that they weren’t already over-excited, Leaf thought, staring down at her body, very like that of an eighteen year old. Why did she have to hit puberty so early…

That thought was pushed to the back of her mind as another one took over.

“I’M GETTING MY POKEMON TODAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY!”]

Okay no I’m out. I deal with enough hyperactive brats in real life. This kind of character is really grating unless they’re toned down.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12695318/1/The-Explorer

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[…Sign…]

Do you mean “sigh”?

This is full of distracting errors. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12695409/1/To-Survive

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. (You should use a different symbol for scene breaks if you do this, however.)

[No one like me throughout my high school years]

You want “liked”, I think.

[But during my stay in this dark place I thought about my life and my mistakes.]

This feels really flat, because we don’t know this person or any of the things they say they did. “Show, don’t tell” is in full force here.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. Who is this person, what’s going on, and why should we care? Your premise should be clear by the end of the first chapter. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12695492/1/Lucas-s-Journey-Johto-Ver

You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.

[This is my take on the pokemon games heartgold and soulsilver with my OC Lucas as the main character in the game along with his secret crush, friends, and his pokemon by his side aganist the league.]

This is a run-on sentence. You need to learn how to use commas.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Not using paragraphs makes me not want to read your story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12695605/1/Trainers-Legacy-Chaos-in-Kalos

[When jarod an elite trainer saves the life of a former champion. He finds himself more than he bargained for in the form of a budding romance. When a new threat appears, the fate of kalos will hang on the shoulders of him and his team.]

“Jarod” and “Kalos” should be capitalized, since they’re names. The rest of this is strangely formatted – the first sentence is a run-on, and the second is a fragment. I recommend reading up on sentence structure and comma usage, and getting a beta reader to help you. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

[Male OOC x Diantha.]

“OOC” means “out of character”. I think you want “OC”, for “original character”.

[(A large home in the woods near snowbelle city)]

This isn’t a video game; you can establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

Script format is banned on this site, and for good reason. You’re an author, not a screenwriter.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12695803/1/Master-Lovers

I believe xReader fic counts as interactive, and is therefore banned by the rules of this site. It’s generally awkward anyway, and I recommend avoiding it.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[Ok.. I was just asking]

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced ook, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12695819/1/human-Pok%C3%A9mon

Your title and summary need to be more substantial. Readers should know what your story is about before they click on it.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Also, a new speaker means a new paragraph.

Generally, this is riddled with errors that make it hard to read. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12696070/1/My-Life-Pokemon-I-Get-Betrayed

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

Something went wrong here. Preview your story before posting it.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12695861/1/A-Golden-Adventure-The-Kanto-volume

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

Your title isn’t fully capitalized.

[When fate led Roe to Amanda’s home, little did she realize that she was being given a second chance. Now with a future brighter than her past Roe is happy and ready to set off on her journey along with her best friend Raymond. However, with a past that refuses to stay dead for long, her journey could be more exciting than she bargained for.]

This is a bit vague for a summary. You’ve just listed a bunch of names we don’t know, and mentioned vaguely that something will happen without giving any details. What is your story about, specifically? The summary should tell us this.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[THE VIRIDIAN FOREST]

This isn’t a video game; you can establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

[Yo Arceus, you listening. I’m talking to you, you overgrown equestrian. How about some help?]

Why would she expect help from a comatose clockmaker god? Arceus is not a good substitute for the Judeo-Christian God. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/162324520/1/Pokeworld-Religion

[So many of them dead because of me-people with families and friends]

Using hyphens without spaces in place of dashes is confusing. To avoid people thinking you’re hyphenating words, you should put spaces around the hyphen, or use a double dash.

[rattatas and raticates scurried about]

You forgot to capitalize this sentence.

[Viridian forest, a small way from Pallet town]

All parts of a name are capitalized, so this should be “Viridian Forest” and “Pallet Town”.

You’re dropping a lot of commas, which makes your sentences hard to follow. You should read up on proper comma usage.

You also tend to have spaces before your endquotes, likely a formatting error.

[a small girl of about 6 years old]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters. You also have to pick between “of X years” or “X years old” – it doesn’t make grammatical sense to use both.

[That’s what you think]

Missing punctuation here.

[Wow, perfectly huh.]

Missing quote mark here.

[No point denying it. I’m in love with that woman.]

[…]

[‘Oh, and one more thing.’

‘Yeah Ames?’

‘Call me Mrs Williams.’

‘Not happening Ames.’

A growl could be heard from the other end of the call before it was cut.

Jacob smiled to himself. What a woman.]

I really do not like this trope. Love has to be built on mutual respect. If he’s not willing to respect her wishes on something this simple, that’s a big red flag. Women are not pets for men to name.

This ends a bit abruptly. I’m glad to see things happening, but personally, I’m not terribly interested in stories about human characters. Pokemon are what this franchise is about – if they’re going to be important in your story, you should feature them more.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12696281/1/Pokemon-one-shot-collection

Interactive fiction is against the rules of this site, as are non-story chapters. You should run suggestions on a forum thread instead of through reviews. That’ll be easier, even.

[2. PokemonxHuman

3. HumanxPokemon]

There’s a difference?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12696302/1/The-Journey-To-Parenthood

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[“Ro rose ro rade rade?” she asked, looking up at him. (What’s wrong, Drew?)]

Including both pokespeech and translation is awkward and unnecessary. You can just use one or the other.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12696315/1/If-Daisies-Had-Thorns

[A teenager named Elliot goes with his only Pokemon, a Roselia, to see and photograph all the Pokemon of the world, starting with the region he is from, the Sinnoh region. In the midst of this, Elliot will catch and care for multiple Pokemon. All the while Elliot and his Roselia will have to test their bonds as trainer and Pokemon.]

This could describe basically every trainer story on here. Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Wait, what? Pokemon can speak freely in this? I really don’t recommend doing that if you’re planning to keep the standard trainer setup. Details can be found here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142476358/1/Pokemon-Intelligence

[Your meeting with Professor Rowan today in Sandgem Town to receive something]

“You’re”. “Your” is the possessive.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. Start where your plot starts; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12696500/1/Secrets

[Absol: a jewel thief, Litten: Absol’s closest childhood friend, Jolteon: a police detective, Umbreon: Jolteon’s playful brother, Vaporeon: Jolteon and Umbreon’s younger sister.]

That makes as much sense as you being named “Human”. Yes, I know the Mystery Dungeon games do this. Doesn’t change the fact that it’s ridiculous and confusing. Your characters deserve actual names.

[Absol looked into the full-length mirror at herself. In the mirror, it showed a girl with red eyes and had her white hair tied in a side pony. The girl had pale skin and wore a white jacket with navy blue streaks, jeans, fingerless navy blue gloves, and navy blue converses with white wing designs. Absol frowned at her reflection and put on her cloak and pulled the hood over her head, hiding her identity.]

Okay so the thing about gjinka is that they’re a visual aesthetic, and therefore don’t work very well in a non-visual medium. If character designs are the only thing relating this to Pokemon, this is original fiction with Pokemon-inspired designs and should be published as such. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165030563/1/Original-Fiction

[At the Museum of History…]

This isn’t a video game; you can establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12696862/1/A-dangerous-high-school

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

Your title isn’t fully capitalized.

You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You have spaces around your quotes, likely due to a formatting error. Preview your story before posting it.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12697149/1/Alliance

[They have been inseparable for 15 years and now a adventure awaits for a Decidueye and his family as they have been chosen by a Tapu Koko and a group of legendarys to help them Defeat a group of Ultra beast led by a Necrozma.]

This is a run-on sentence. You need to read up on proper comma usage.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[4 days ago]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters. You must also write out all numbers that begin a sentence.

This is riddled with errors that make your story hard to understand. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12697510/1/Cass%C3%A9-Gentleshininghopeshipping

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

[his excistance]

“Existence”. Spellcheck.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12698329/1/Firey-and-Ariana-One-shots

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[Flashback begins]

This isn’t a video game; you can establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12698250/1/Fleeing-From-Darkness

[16 Pokemon are invited to a party by a close friend to all of them! Unfortunately, the house the party is located at is found out to be one filled of darkness and evil, that finds the party-goers murdered at the scene! Everybody Flee’s, but who will Escape The Darkness?]

Numbers must be written out with letters if they begin a sentence. Also, the apostrophe in “flee’s” is unnecessary.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

Centering text makes it difficult to read.

[The party will be themed off popular roles from the 1920’s, you must dress in attire as if you were from that era yourself.]

…You say these are pokemon? How are pokemon supposed to wear clothes? If your pokemon characters are human in all but name, this isn’t Pokemon fanfiction. I strongly recommend publishing this as original fiction with an “inspired by” label on the top instead. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165030563/1/Original-Fiction

SYOC fic is fraught with issues and obstacles. I don’t actually recommend doing it at all, but if you want to, you should read this thread to be aware of the most common pitfalls: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142912324/1/Stop-Asking-For-OCs

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12698410/1/Creation-Lore

[My take on the Lore of the pokémon world.]

“Lore” shouldn’t be capitalized.

[What if Giratina was banished because Arceus feared him?]

Oi, this cliché again.

There is a lot of reason to doubt the pokedex’s lore, especially an entry that only appears in one version. Nothing about Giratina being “banished” makes a lick of sense. We are explicitly told in Platinum that Giratina *likes* the Distortion World, and the fact that its DW form is called “origin” rather implies that the DW is its native habitat. The claim that it’s “violent” is also extremely questionable – it doesn’t lift a finger until it’s directly threatened, and doesn’t even harm Cyrus when it does. It seems perfectly content to live in the Distortion World and not interact with anyone. If it’s “violent”, it’s in a “don’t poke the bear” sense.

Giratina and the Distortion World are certainly creepy. But creepy doesn’t have to mean evil.

Any particular reason why Giratina is male in this, incidentally?

[The Order took the form of Arceus and from the Chaos, Giratina arose.]

[…]

[Giratina seeing this, felt angry and betrayed, with fury in his heart, he then decided to create a new dimension, a dimension that consisted only of Chaos.]

That doesn’t fit thematically at all. Giratina isn’t chaos. The Distortion World just represents a different kind of order. It’s also clear that Giratina is supposed to be in the same class as Dialga and Palkia, not Arceus.

[powerfull]

Typo.

[so he decided to use his last forces to collide his dimension with that of Arceus, creating a fissure in Space-Time that he could cross at will.]

Nope. Giratina can “only appear in this world as a shadow”, going by the NPC dialogue in Platinum. This is corroborated by the fact it has to change its form when it leaves the Distortion World.

None of this fits with canon at all. Nothing about Giratina’s appearance in Platinum implies it’s trapped in the Distortion World, and rather implies the opposite given it was able to capture Cyrus at a moment’s notice. Its presence in the Distortion World seems very much like voluntary segregation.

Furthermore, this is just a really boring and cliché setup. Arceus is not the Judeo-Christian God and Giratina is not Satan or any similar pairing. There are so many other more interesting inspirations that went into them and directions their story can be taken; it’s really disheartening to see people keep falling back on the familiar instead. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/162324520/1/Pokeworld-Religion

18 Comments

  1. Anonymous says:
    [2. PokemonxHuman

    3. HumanxPokemon]

    There’s a difference?

    I know people in some circles use name order in shipping labels to say which member is the top and which is the bottom in the relationship, with the first one usually being the top, I believe. That might be this in play here.




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  2. Raven says:
    I can’t help finding it weird that the gijinka story made the absol girl white.



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    1. HoodedAuthor says:

      Just did a quick image search for absol gajinka and, unsurprisingly, it takes two and a half rows before you reach a poc. Then every single one after that is white. Not checking for every pokemon, but im gonna take a wild guess that pretty much every one will garner similiar results.




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      1. Septentrion says:

        I’m pretty sure many of them are supposed to be Japanense.




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        1. CrazyEd says:
          As far as I know, the series that this one comes from (which is probably the most well known as far as I can tell) is by a Japanese artist.



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    2. CrazyEd says:
      Why? Absol’s colour design is primarily white.



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      1. Act says:

        Absol’s fur is white, but its skin is black.




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        1. CrazyEd says:
          But absol’s skin isn’t black. It’s a shade of blue (that I’d describe as “dark navy blue”, personally). But its overall colour design is still “white with some accents of black/dark navy blue”.



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          1. Act says:

            I was going to call you a crazy person but Bulbapedia describes it as “dark blue to black” so there are apparently at least two people who see Absol as blue.




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            1. CrazyEd says:
              Well, I mean… Just look at it.



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            2. Act says:

              ngl i was really hoping you’d shopped an absol sprite to be like neon blue




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            3. EC says:

              If you look at the stock image on Bulbapedia it’s R92, G109, B145, so a blue-grey colour. 

              It’s pretty clearly meant to be black, though. I mean, thematically.




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            4. CrazyEd says:
              Well, my argument is based entirely on the theory of colour design, and in colour terms, it’s blue-grey. Absol has a mostly white with accents of blue-grey, and if you applied that colour design to a person, you’d get a mostly white person with accents of blue-grey. Remember, the people who design gijinka are artists, not biologists.



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            5. Septentrion says:

              A lot of the offical artwork with Absol(including sprites in the game) does not use blue hues.




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            6. Socordya says:

              Not exactly knowledgable about the Pokemon community, but unless “black” means “blue” and “blue” means “pink” in Pokemon slang, Absol is very very blue.




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            7. CrazyEd says:
              Guys, you’re all stil missing the main point. No matter what colour the accenting colour is (though it’s totally blue), the main colour of Absol’s colour design is snow white.



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              1. Farla says:

                Which is why she should be wearing a fluffy white coat.




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    3. Septentrion says:

      There was actually a vote on moemon Absol’s skin color in the hack. It was a close vote(37 to 35 I think) with the light skin palette winning the vote, although the shiny version got the darker skin tone.




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