[20] The Other Pokereviews, Part 76

Today we have a trainer who actually seems to be walking the walk on pokemon treatment! It’s the softball version where the pokemon are all sycophantic cheerleaders anyway, but still, baby steps.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12698767/1/Heart-of-Darkness

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[Telepathy/thoughts: “no need to worry.”

Human/pokemon: “Finally”

Hybrid: “BACK OFF”]

I guarantee you do not need this key. If basic actions aren’t obvious from context, you’re doing something wrong.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12698828/1/Worst-Blind-Date-Ever

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[The Next Day]

This isn’t a video game; you can establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12699193/1/Pokemon-Invasion

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or legendary. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[only a select few of each unique Pokemon are still alive]

What do you mean by “unique pokemon”?

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context.

[Desperate for escape, Arceus tells all the remaining inhabitants, man and Pokemon alike, to go to the Legendaries to be warped to a safe haven.]

Why would Arceus care?

Also, eh… I’m not too fond of using the term “legendaries” in fic. It’s very much a fandom term, and much too general given the actual range of power of legendaries. Legendaries like Articuno seem to be merely rare beasts, while legendaries like Arceus are gods.

A new speaker requires a new paragraph. Not doing this makes your dialogue impossible to follow.

[Ever since the events happened with the Ultra Beasts in Alola, they found out how to escape the confines of their domain all on their own and decided to enter our world just for a new home.]

That is not at all how the ultra beasts work. We are explicitly told that all their violence is in an effort to return home. They are not “confined” to a “domain”; Ultra Space is their natural habitat.

[The only thing left for us to do was say goodbye to our world and listen to the Legendary Pokemon around the world, who told us to go to the nearest of each and get warped away to a new world.]

Again: why are they doing this? Exceptionally few of the legendaries have any significant interaction with other pokemon. The Johto and Alola legendaries seem to be nature spirits, so I can see them sticking their neck out for pokemon, but every other region is gonna be out of luck. Who’s shepherding the Hoenn pokemon, the crazed beasts who tear the world apart with their very existence?

[who told us to go to the nearest of each and get warped away to a new world]

How are they doing this? Solgaleo and Lunala are the only things we’ve seen that can open interdimensional gateways, and they can’t be everywhere at once. You’re really misusing the legendaries here – they are not general-purpose omnipotent gods, they have very specific powers and associations.

[we weren’t going to allow the 3 Legendaries of Lunala, Solgaleo, or Necrozma with us, who were the ones responsible for accidentally causing all of this destruction.]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters. Also okay so they are totally screwed then. Those three are the only ones who can save them.

[We rushed into the ruins and, as soon as all of us had entered, we saw all the Unown begin to chant their unique language while swirling around in a frenzy. They were the ones in charge of creating the different portals that were being used to warp the Pokemon to the different location that we had decided on.]

What. Now you’re just making stuff up out of whole cloth. The Unown are illusionists, not all-purpose spellcasters.

[A planet that we would be accepted on no matter what. A planet that also suited all of our unique needs. The planet that Lord Arceus referred to as ‘Planet Earth’.]

Also what. Earth is cripplingly overpopulated and already facing critical environmental disasters. We are not a planet suited for *anyone’s* unique needs. They couldn’t have found an uninhabited planet?

[the first time in awhile]

You want “a while”, two words. “Awhile” means “for a while”.

Well, that ended abruptly. This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. You’ve set up the premise, but you haven’t done anything with it, so we have no idea what the actual story will be like. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

This is a really unnecessarily convoluted method to get pokemon to Earth, and doesn’t align with canon at all. You don’t always need a deep explanation for your premise – if what you really want to write about is pokemon on Earth, you can just say pokemon appeared on Earth. Their world is already full of weird magic stuff and has uncanny correlations to our own; it’s fine to just say “a wizard did it” and move on with the story you want to write.

I also think you should check out this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/162324520/1/Pokeworld-Religion

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12699197/1/Mysticstones

[Ever Wonder if Humans can mega evolve? Truth is they can but only 10 stones exist in the whole world. These are call Mysticstones, allowing a human to temporarily transform into a mystical Pokemon such as Mew or Celebi, use their Powers, and talk to Pokemon. So when Kris and 9 other trainers get chosen to help save the world from yveltal they learn to harness these new abilities]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or human… well, apparently you are. But you *shouldn’t* capitalize animal or mouse or human, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

Similarly, you shouldn’t capitalize random words like “wonder” or “powers”, as it’s very distracting. “Yveltal”, however, is a name, and should be capitalized.

Also, in prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

Finally, this summary isn’t very effective at explaining what the story is about. Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You have a lot of grammatical errors, and they make your story hard to follow. You need a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. This is just a summary that tells us information that could be explained in the story itself. Your first chapter should establish who the main characters are and what the story is going to be about. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

This concept feels a bit like it’s missing the point of Pokemon. There are thousands of stories already about humans getting magic powers and going on adventures. What makes Pokemon unique is that it’s a magical setting where humans *aren’t* superpowered. I believe this story might be better served by retooling it as an original fantasy adventure. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165030563/1/Original-Fiction

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12699298/1/The-Second-Soul-Heart

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[( A/N Think that’s how you spell it…)]

Including author’s notes in the middle of a story is always a terrible idea. Stories run on immersion and suspension of disbelief; interrupting the story and pointing to the wires shatters that, much like an actor breaking character in a theater production.

Also, you have the internet. If you’re not sure, look it up.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12699338/1/Potential-Investigated

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[Ashur Darnell was reading her final report she planning to submit to her boss tomorrow.]

You want “planned” or “was planning” here, I believe. You have some similar errors throughout. You may want to get a beta reader if this is something you have trouble with. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[I bet you all noticed the BOLD words throughout the story. Those are actual terms used in journalism that I put in. Each chapter will feature a word or more and the definitions will be included at the bottom of the chapter!]

That’s really not necessary; they’re all obvious from context. Bolding them is just distracting.

This story is a little different from normal, but this still feels insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. We learn a little bit about the main character here, but we still don’t have any idea of what the plot will be. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12699477/1/Pokeshipping-Popcorn

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

A drabble is a story consisting of exactly 100 words. It’s a writing exercise, not a word for any short story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12699584/1/Raffie-Satan-s-Horn-Horns-Banished-to-Hell-Arceus-Can-t-Save-Us

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You need to learn how to use paragraphs. This is a wall of text.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12699840/1/umbreon-story

Capitalize your title properly.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[just read it]

How about no. Make a summary that actually tells people what your story is about.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12700935/1/Within

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

[discoverer’s]

You want “discovers”, no apostrophe.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or aura. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[the outskirts of pallet]

“Pallet”, however, is a name and should be capitalized.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[If you haven’t noticed I suck at grammar and spelling and am looking for a Beta. If you would like to volunteer or know anyone who might be interested please send me a PM.]

Beta readers can be found here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12700484/1/Z-Charged

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

Centering text makes it difficult to read.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12699745/1/Destiny-Unknown

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon. However, species shouldn’t be capitalized either, for the same reason.

[Seeing as how I was put this way by a legendary]

I’m not too fond of using the term “legendaries” in fic. It’s very much a fandom term, as it’s a shorthand for the canon term “legendary pokemon”. It’s also much too general given the actual range of power of legendaries. Legendaries like Articuno seem to be merely rare beasts, while legendaries like Kyogre are gods.

[2 more days]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

[“Flaaff, flaaffy.” Venus, my flaaffy, acknowledged.]

The quote should end with a comma, since it’s a speaking verb. “Acknowledged” also does not make much sense here. You’re overusing uncommon speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever fancy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

[“What’s this all about?” I questioned]

In particular, “questioned” is what police do; it’s a synonym for “interrogated”, not “asked”.

[I was never one for keeping my pokemon trapped in their pokeballs unless it was absolutely necessary, or they wanted to go in themselves. I generally just followed the golden rule when it came to pokemon – Treat others the way you want to be treated. Well, I definitely would hate to be trapped in a ball all day, and only really come out to battle or eat. That kind of life is… depressing, to say the least. I didn’t even capture my pokemon in the conventional way, instead opting for a more sincere and kinder approach. Rather than beating a wild pokemon into submission, I would ask if they would like to accompany me on a journey to get gym badges and explore the world. Needless to say, it was rather hard to get anyone to join at first. Somehow, however, we managed to get a team going, and defeated the first 5 gyms of Hoenn.]

Hm, interesting. Looks like you may actually be walking the walk on this. It’s still awfully convenient that the protagonist was still able to get exactly what they wanted, though. Saying they treat pokemon like people doesn’t mean much if the pokemon just act like cheerleader robots. They’re making a concession by doing this, and it should meaningfully affect them in ways we can see. If pokemon are people, they’re characters in their own right and should have their own interests and desires that can potentially conflict with their trainer. The thread at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142476358/1/Pokemon-Intelligence discusses this in more detail.

[my Blaziken, Feeny]

Was that her name, or the name the protagonist picked for her?

[Feeny, who at the time was a torchic, wanted to go out and see the world, or at least that’s what I seemed to understand from her behavior. I offered her the option to leave if she didn’t want to go with me, but she seemed even more fired up than me to go out and explore the world.]

See, this is an interesting example of well-meaning behavior that skirts around the underlying issues. Of course Feeny was going to stay with them – what other choice did she have? Given they don’t appear in the wild, starters seem to be lab-raised pokemon who have no experience with the outside world. This is what she was raised for. It’s the only life she’s ever known.

[but i’m here now]

Forgot the capital here.

[I felt James’ voice in my head, “They want to know when we’re going to make camp for the night.”]

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. When surrounding narration doesn’t contain a speech verb, it’s considered a separate sentence and is punctuated accordingly. So it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[“You really shouldn’t be embarrassed over whatever it is. I’ve showered with you guys.]

Julia is a fire-type. How was she able to shower?

[Arceus dealt me this hand, and I have to play it.]

Using Arceus in place of God sounds ridiculous and has no basis in canon. It’s fine to just use “God”. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/162324520/1/Pokeworld-Religion

[“When I was in the orphanage. A lot of the time, I was bored and would rather read than hang out with the other kids”]

Missing punctuation here.

[As if on queue, Julia lied on the ground where my head would go, letting me use her as a pillow.]

You want “cue”; “queue” is a waiting line. You also want “lay”, not “lied” – yes, it doesn’t make sense, English is confusing.

That does not sound very comfortable for Julia. Have you ever tried to use a cat or a dog as a pillow? They do not tend to be very happy about it.

[ It could be just a wild pokemon, which I wouldn’t be afraid of. Alternatively, it could have been a person]

Are pokemon not people?

[Rumbling ensues]

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well.

This is interesting, and I like both that you’re starting with an established trainer and that you’re giving the pokemon some degree of individual personality. However, I have a hard time believing your protagonist is 12 – they don’t sound a day under 18 with the way they’re able to react to everything so calmly and rationally. The story also feels a little like its dragging its feet – the premise mentioned in the summary hasn’t come up at all yet.

You also have quite a number of minor grammar errors. You should proofread more thoroughly, and maybe get a beta reader to help you.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12699886/1/Your-Words

[please bear with my grammatical and orthographical mistakes.]

If you need grammar help, you can check the website “Grammar Girl”, or this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/21887406/1/Writing-Guide-Part-One-Grammar

You can also get a beta reader to help you here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

In particular, you’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[don´t]

This looks odd. You should use the ‘ symbol instead.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12699913/1/How-could-this-happen

Your title isn’t fully capitalized.

[This is going to be the story of a journey of two trainers in a whole new Pokemon region, and how they will save the world. Or maybe… there’s something more?]

I don’t know, is there? Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[“…”]

This is a visual art convention that doesn’t work in prose.

[there were a tall boy and a shorter girl]

You want “was”.

[The male]

Is an incredibly awkward epithet. It’s fine to just repeat “the boy” here.

[had long dark brown hairs that could touch his shoulders, surrounding his pretty face, made of stray blue eyes with long eyelashes, a tiny nose, faint signs of a freshly shaved beard and bloody red lips. His medium white skin was covered by his clothes: a white long sleeve shirt with a black and white poké ball drawn on the heart, and over that there was a pitch black hoodie opened in the middle by a silver zip. He was wearing]

Yeah I’ve already lost interest. Opening the story with excessive physical description is an instant turnoff. This early on, you should stick to information that is immediately relevant. More minor details can come after readers have gotten invested.

[you could hear the weakest wind blowing]

The general you sounds awkward in third-person. I recommend rephrasing this.

[“Why are you following me”]

Missing punctuation.

Are you not a native speaker? Your dialogue sounds extremely stilted and awkward.

This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. Start where your plot starts; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12700326/1/The-Four-Horsewomen-of-Death

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

Stop capitalizing random words.

The chaptering feature exists for a reason. Use it. Posting multiple chapters in the same document is against the rules of the site.

Not using paragraphs makes me not want to read your story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12702206/1/Misty-s-Encounter

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

Not using capital letters makes me not want to read your story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12702055/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-sinnoh-high-episode-1

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

Script format is banned on this site, and for good reason. You’re an author, not a screenwriter.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

Not using punctuation makes me not want to read your story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12702022/1/Written-in-the-Stars-A-historical-Pokemon-love-story

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[“And now, Ladies and gentlemen, the main event of the night!” announced a broad and towering figure, grabbing everyone’s attention. Vice Chancellor Wilhelm continued, “We shall witness the first test of the TrapBall, right here.” A few soldiers dragged in a contraption which was covered with a dark cloth, on wheels. The Vice Chancellor then removed the cloth himself to reveal a Gardevoir restrained by heavy red chains and a spiky silver crown. Her head was hunched over and red eyes partially covered by green hair. Her eyes were full of agony but she refused to let herself cry.]

This feels… off. For one thing, gardevoir don’t exist in the wild, so she must be part of society already in some way. This also makes it sound like the pokeball is a completely new invention, when it’s not; people seem to have been making apricorn balls for a very long time. What makes the pokeball revolutionary isn’t that it’s new, but that it mass-produces a previously limited resource.

[a coup de’tat]

The apostrophe is one letter off here.

This looks interesting, but it’s very unclear what’s going on at the greater scale. Since this is effectively your own original setting, there’s a lot of information your readers don’t know. What’s “the war”? Are they at war with pokemon? Perhaps you are intending to create tension by starting in medias res, but this is still so short as an opening. We need a little more to go on – who are these people, what is the story about, and why should we care? See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12701666/1/Worlds-in-Despair-World-1-Pokemon

[3 individuals]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[Also, the chapters from here on will have a * symbol before certain paragraphs to indicate a song that is optional to listen to, and a ~ symbol to indicate the end of the song. The song(s) name(s) will be found in the A/N at the end of each chapter.]

This is unwise. It may sound like a good idea but in practice, it’s just clunky and distracting. Use Twine or a similar program if you want to incorporate sound into your stories.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12700544/1/Omega-Ruby-Retall

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[I was holding my pokenav in my hand and listening to my dad’s childhood friend ramble on. He was asking him things like my name, gender (Why!?) and such.]

This is a dead horse joke. It wasn’t that funny the first time, and definitely isn’t now. Those intro screens are obviously not diegetic.

[Why did we have to leave our region, there’s plenty of cities in Johto that dad could have taken on Gym Leader role out.]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

[maybe it’s cause]

“Cause” needs an apostrophe in the front, ’cause it’s a contraction.

[All I want is my starter Pokémon, dad promised that I would be allowed one if I agreed to stay quiet during the journey here.]

That is not remotely how it goes. You get the starter pokemon by complete accident in Hoenn. Professors are not actually the sole purveyors of starter pokemon and there’s nothing to suggest what we call “starter pokemon” are actually official things in-universe.

[I signed and finally got away with closing down the stupid pokenav]

I think you want “sighed”. “Signed” means to speak in sign language.

The number of errors you’re making is getting distracting. If you have a lot of trouble with grammar, you should get a beta reader to help you. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[“See, May? Isn’t it nice in here, too? The moving company’s Pokémon even help with the unpacking and cleanup. They really make moving a cinch!”

‘Nice, my ass…I wanna go home…’ I thought]

Uh… why? You don’t have her describe anything about the room or say why she doesn’t like it.

[rude much? He thought I was gonna be a boy ’cause of my father’s a gym leader.]

I appreciate you calling this out.

[route 1]

This is a name and should be capitalized, in the same way you’d capitalize “Main Street”.

[She’s just got the aura of a annoyed teenager, which is kinda what she is…]

11 is not a teenager. May’s behavior is just barely believable for a 13-year-old, but 11-year-olds do not act this way.

So do you have a plot for this? The standard badge quest is not a plot. If you’re just trying to novelize the game, you’re going to peter out. Read this for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/143219856/1/Actually-Writing-an-OT-Fic-Part-1

This is awkward in other ways, as well. May feels extremely detached from what’s going on – you just have her stand in place while the characters monologue their game dialogue at her. If you want to make her her own character, she needs to be directly involved in events. It’s fine to deviate from the game scenes and have two-way conversations – novelizations are meant to take creative liberties.

10 Comments

  1. CrazyEd says:
    This concept feels a bit like it’s missing the point of Pokemon. There are thousands of stories already about humans getting magic powers and going on adventures. What makes Pokemon unique is that it’s a magical setting where humans *aren’t* superpowered.

    It seemed to work for Pokemon ReBurst.




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    1. Septentrion says:

      Well, I haven’t actually heard anything good about Reburst. After many years of knowing about it, all I know is it’s premise. That’s not a good sign.




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      1. CrazyEd says:
        There are loads of manga that don’t get a lot of press, especially when they’re adaptations of things, rather than the other way around. Manga adaptations of video games and anime generally don’t get any press in the West. Which is a shame. The manga adaptation of Samurai Champloo was great.



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        1. Septentrion says:

          You’re only telling me it has the theorical capacity of having merit.




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          1. Act says:

            has the theorical capacity of having merit

            This should be my tagline.




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            1. CrazyEd says:
              That does seem to be how a lot of your reviews start out.

              And then A Fault in Our Stars Happens.

              You should have really learned better by now.




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            2. Act says:

              Heh, I more meant of my life in general, but yes, it also applies in that way.




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          2. CrazyEd says:
            It’s kinda hard to say much more than that. As far as I know, only chapters 1 through 10, and chapters 69 through 72, are translated. It had moderate success in Japan, running for eight volumes, but Americans seemed to be turned off immediately once they knew that it was going to be about fusing with Pokemon and personally fighting. As far as I know, you can’t even find complete scans of the original raw versions on the internet. Interest pretty much died off once the first volume was released and fans saw “oh god he fused with a zekrom”.

            But those chapters basically read like a well drawn Typical Shounen Battle Manga with  a very clean and crisp style and easy to follow fights. I’d give it a 5.5/10, which by my standards is “… Eeeh, I don’t really have anything bad to say about it, but I don’t have anything particularly nice to sya about it either”, with an extra 0.5 for the art. 6/10 is about where I start labelling things “the worst of the good”.

            But then again, I also really liked Digimon Frontier, so I seem to have more tolerance for this sort of thing than most of the Pokemon fandom would.




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            1. Septentrion says:

              New powers aren’t exactly a good addition to a super complex setting like pokemon. Adding stuff can easily ruin thematic elements.

              Given that’s it’s a comic, I expect the main appeal much be how it looks. Honestly, the Burst forms are quite ugly. None of the designs even influence on the Gijinka artist scene.

              The female emboar Burst has the most details, but she litterally qualifies a chibi. I don’t expect that to translate to good fights.

              https://bulbapedia.bulbagarden.net/wiki/Burst




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            2. Act says:

              wow that is some ugly art




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