[21] The Other Pokereviews, Part 153

Some varying quality today. Most of the porn authors blocked me this time, interestingly.

Anime: 14

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13318339/1/Middle-ground

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

In English, all words of a title are capitalized.

[Paul sighed, it was quite a walk from Viridian city to Pallet Town and he was exhausted.]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition. Additionally, all parts of a name are capitalized, so this should be “Viridian City”.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

This looks mostly solid, but you might want to get a beta reader to help you catch those errors.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13318225/1/Blackmailing-and-Dinner

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13318157/1/SunMoon-Adventure

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.

[A pair of twins on their journey through adventures and the truth]

Summaries should tell us more than just the genre. Who are these twins, what is their journey, why should this interest us? (You’re also missing punctuation here.)

You seem to be missing spaces after punctuation. This happens sometimes when uploading a file directly. Preview your story to check for these errors.

[Tomarrow would be their eleventh birthday]

Typo.

That ended very abruptly.

The number of errors here make this very hard to follow. You need to read up on grammar and/or get a beta reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13318071/1/Divine-Depravity

Blocked, previously encountered. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13317891/1/A-Different-Start

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13317806/1/To-Be-Left-in-Charge

Previously reviewed, but the story was interesting so I reviewed anyway.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[six year-old]

“six-year” should be hyphenated too, I believe.

[copies of Pokémon Firered and Pokémon Leafgreen lying around (Along with the rest of the main series – he really was a big fan of the Pokémon franchise, not that he’d ever admit that to any of his friends), and those shut them up pretty quickly.]

When parentheticals don’t contain complete sentences, they aren’t capitalized – it’s the same as if you used a dash or comma to separate the aside.

While hyphens can work in place of dashes, double or em dashes are better – they do a better job of separating the clauses and conveying a pause.

[after the first 12 hours]

[fifteen feet in front of him]

You should be consistent about how you format numbers. Since these are units, either form is fine, but it’s good to be consistent.

[“Alex!” the youngest of the twins, a brown hair, bright-eyed girl named Gisele, whined.]

You want “brown-haired”, and this is a bit of an awkward way to describe her when we appear to be in Alex’s head. In deep POV, the narration is meant to align with the character’s thoughts. It’s strange that he thinks of someone he knows in such clinical description, don’t you think? The way this is typically done is to invert the name and description, like [“Alex!” Gisele whined. She was the youngest of the twins, a bright-eyed girl with brown hair.] For bonus points, this lets you add a flourish that tells us more about their personality or the narrator’s, like “he knew her bright-eyed expressions always meant trouble” or some such.

[“Yeah!” the other twin, a boy named Vincent, chirped. Alexander sighed.

“No nicknames, kid – they make me uncomfortable.]

This is odd, since he’s not directly responding to the twin who nicknamed him. Were these lines originally in opposite order? It might be better to have him respond to Gisele immediately, or say “kids” to make the address general.

[“Oh, I didn’t notice the snow,” Gisele stated]

“Stated” is far too formal for this. It’s not a synonym for “said”. Looking over the rest, I’d say you’re overusing uncommon speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever fancy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

Also keep in mind that if you do find yourself getting tired of speech tags, you don’t have to tag every single line of dialogue. Sometimes the story will flow better if you just get into the action.

[It might be awhile before]

You want “a while”, two words. “Awhile” is an adverb that means “for a while”.

[Vincent pouted and pulled on his coat sleeve from the back seat.

“But I’m hungry!” he whined]

The new speaker = new paragraph rule is actually an extension of the rule that a new subject makes a new paragraph, so you should actually lump all of a speaker’s actions onto the same paragraph, even if they don’t start by speaking. This makes the action easier to follow, in general.

[Alexander was internally panicking at this point due to the weather and really think he could comfort a crying child on top of that.]

Missing word?

[he completely forgot about Gisele, who had crawled up to the front seat and pulled violently on the wheel]

Oh no! Did he not buckle them in??? If she unbuckled herself to do this, I figure he should comment on it, since that’s alarming in and of itself.

[Alexander said evenly. He was pissed, but kept his voice as calm as possible. She may have wrecked his truck, but he shouldn’t have gone out in that weather to begin with. She was just a kid. No need to scream at her like his dad did when he was little (He shivered at the thought – that man could be bloody terrifying at times).]

Aw, good kid! It’s nice to see children of abuse breaking the chain of harm.

[Instincts kicked in, and Alexander ran over to the twins can tackled them to the ground as the pokémon fired an absorb attack that went right over their heads.]

Wait, how does that actually work? I know it’s mechanically possible to dodge Absorb, but it’s hard to picture – the animation just shows draining, no projectile or possible line of fire to dodge. It would be clearer if it used a physical attack like Vine Whip or Bullet Seed, but it could also be cool to further describe what this looks like.

[Once he made it to the sign, he blinked, rereading it twice to confirm its message:

Azalea Town to the left, Goldenrod City to the right. Keep going travelers, almost out of the Ilex Forest!]

Typically, in-universe text is formatted differently to distinguish it from narration, usually with italics.

[He could be in a comma]

You want “coma”.

His reasoning in this section is a bit unclear – he says he’s going to assume this is real, but the very next sentence he presumes it’s a dream again.

[I wanted to do a more in-depth look into the “character falls into another world” trope. What would someone do if they had companions? Dependents? Would they give up their dreams for others or not? How much of it are they willing to give up? How would someone really act in that scenario? These are the questions I asked myself when brainstorming for this, and even though some may appear to be kind of answered now, these questions are at the heart of this story.]

That’s an interesting premise! You’re right, I don’t think I’ve seen that at all, even in years of reviewing. It’s a great idea, and raises the stakes right off the bat!

[Of course, Alexander turned out to be a much nicer person than I thought he would, caring a lot even if he logically knows it shouldn’t matter too much, so this story isn’t nearly as dark as it could’ve been (which is probably a good thing – I, for one, find it difficult to root for characters who are 100% assholes).]

I agree. Gritty edgy protagonists tend to get tiring real quick if they’re not done with a clear purpose.

Overall, I think this is pretty good! Like I said, it’s a good premise. I feel like the opening drags a little, but that may just be because I’ve read a lot of stories in this genre and at this point I’m impatient to get to the good stuff. You could maybe cut down on some of Alex’s internal narration – he does tend to ramble on a lot about stuff that isn’t terribly relevant, and his voice sounds a bit flat for an angry teenager, but that may be something you’ll improve as you get a better handle on him.

That would probably be my biggest criticism here – you could condense a significant chunk of the narration here, which would also help you get to the action faster and keep readers engage. But overall, this is solid.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13317768/1/Ash-and-Misty-s-Wild-Kanto-Journey

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13318442/1/GKEA-The-Hunt

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13317682/1/My-Pokemon-Adventure

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13317562/1/A-Fire-Team

Blocked, previously reviewed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13317531/1/Pokemon-ReBorn

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym. Or “new adventure”.

[A New Adventure set in the world of Pokémon! It’s been several years since Red’s triumph in Kanto, but now a new trainer starts their journey! But their may be more to this trainer than meets the eye…]

Summaries should tell us more than just the genre. Who’s this trainer, what’s interesting about them?

Script format is banned on this site, and as such this story is at risk for deletion. You should switch to prose format.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13317464/1/If-I-Cannot-Bring-My-Friend

Blocked, suspected sockpuppet.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13317267/1/The-Saga-of-Teal

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13317192/1/The-Butler-of-a-Champion

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym. Or young.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

[Its not like I’m ugly or anything- actually the opposite.]

Missing apostrophe, and using hyphens without spaces in place of dashes is confusing. To avoid people thinking you’re hyphenating words, you should put spaces around the hyphen, or use a double dash.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[just cause i feel like it]

I should not have to tell you that “I” is capitalized. Most word processors correct this automatically. Put a bare minimum of effort into this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13317033/1/Aura-Wars-aftermath

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13316985/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Ultra-Smut

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13316950/1/Calem-and-Danielle

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13316939/1/The-Heat-of-Battle

Previously reviewed, not blocked.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13316937/1/His-Own-Road

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13316556/1/Redemption

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13316537/1/Pokemon-Black-Version-The-True-Story

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13316483/1/Trainer-Trouble

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13316162/1/Pokemon-Soulsilver-Text-LP

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13316122/1/Indigo-Saga

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13316091/1/Pokemon-Shadow-s-of-the-Past

Blocked, name sounds familiar but they have no other posted fic. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13315954/1/Meet-Me-at-the-Bar

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

Using hyphens without spaces in place of dashes is confusing. To avoid people thinking you’re hyphenating words, you should put spaces around the hyphen, or use a double dash.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Your prose is far too purple. I can’t follow this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13315489/1/Team-Iuris

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13315445/1/Futa-Zoroark

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13315242/1/Journey-of-a-legend

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.

[A single event can change someone’s whole life. See how this single event changes the life of one Ash ketchum.]

Summaries should tell us more than just the genre. What is this event that’s so important? What separates this story from the quite literally thousands of others with the same premise?

“Ketchum” is also a name, and should be capitalized.

I guarantee you do not need a speech key. If basic actions aren’t obvious from context, something has gone more wrong than a key can fix.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[(Line break)]

You can add horizontal lines with the hr tag, or through the in-site editor.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13314940/1/COVELIGHT-A-POKEMON-AU-Update-2

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13314811/1/A-Diary-About-a-Below-Average-Adventure

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13314537/1/Justice-of-the-Heart

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13314503/1/A-Mega-Return-of-Love-and-Evolution

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13314065/1/The-Horrors-of-Unova

Blocked, previously encountered.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13313951/1/fast-car

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

[i’m bad at summaries, sorry]

If you know it’s bad, fix it instead of apologizing. Self-deprecation makes you look desperate and amateurish. Your summary isn’t even that bad.

[Some pretty mad hints of ColosseumShipping.]

Please just use a portmanteau name like every other fandom instead of code words. Please. I’m begging you.

[Well it wasn’t a car exactly. More like a…post-apocalyptic death machine. A motorcycle, if you will.]

Uh… it is a motorcycle. It’s not even run-down or dangerous-looking, there are real motorcycles just like it. (Also, missing comma after “well”.)

[Everything had started when he’d saved her from the stark uncomfortableness of being stuffed into a sack amidst 100 degree weather.]

You want “discomfort”, but even that’s a pretty extreme understatement. The kidnapping kind of seems like it would be more important than the discomfort.

[And then she found out he was apart of Team Snagem.]

You want “a part”, two words. “Apart” is an adjective.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[“What is it?” She asked.]

Dialogue formatting rules remain constant regardless of punctuation, so this should be [“What is it?” she asked.]

This was a nice character study. I’m not usually a fan of “the boy and the girl have to end up together”, but you characterized Wes well.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13313901/1/Red-Kris

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13313900/1/Cold-Love

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[Alex finds a injured Alolan Vulpix, he takes the Alolan Vulpix to the Pokemon center and finds out that the Vulpix is female and wants to join him.]

Vulpix is the child form. Even in the best-case scenario that he waits until she becomes an adult before banging her, you do understand that you’re describing a “raise your own wife” plot here? If that’s your kink, so be it, but I want to make sure you’re aware of what you’re doing so your readers can be aware of what they’re getting into.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

I should not have to tell you that sentences need to be capitalized. Most word processors fix this automatically, so I have no idea how you even managed this. Put a bare minimum of effort into this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13313857/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Delta-Ellen

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You might want to pick a more original title. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.

[An eccentric girl moves to the Hoenn region and starts her Pokémon career. What sort of adventure will she have? What kind of Pokémon? Only one way to find out. Based in the world of Omega Ruby and Alpha Sapphire… Sort off.]

You may also want to pick a more original summary; I am not exaggerating when I say this could describe literally hundreds of stories on this site. Summaries should tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot? This implies you’re making some changes from canon and this won’t be a pure novelization; if so, what are those changes? Why might someone want to read your story over another?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

Lots of people try to incorporate the opening video into the story. It almost never works, because the video is very, very obviously addressed to the player and does not make sense in-universe. As you point out, everyone here is already in the world of pokemon and knows about them, so why is Birch talking like this? Why would he ask their gender, how is that relevant information in any context other than needing to create an avatar for you?

[The viewer’s face was illuminated by the screen: her light brown hair had two tails at the front which resembled droopy puppy dog ears. A green bandana tied her hair together and resembled a green bow with white stripes. The soft light of the PokéNav also revealed she was wearing a green sleeveless top.]

So, description is tricky to do in an engaging way. Notice how these sentences do absolutely nothing to advance the narrative; you’ve brought the story to a screeching halt to tell us these things, and you’re going to jerk us back into motion just as suddenly in the next paragraph. These sorts of “start-stop” moments are things you should try to avoid. Understand that it may not be necessary to describe a character at all; you should adhere to conservation of detail, and only bring up details that will be important to the story.

[His house is actually next door to ours so you should go over and introduce yourself”.]

Misplaced the period here.

You’re making a lot of punctuation errors in general, especially around dialogue. I’d recommend reading up on this, and/or getting a beta reader to help you.

So, here’s the thing. The Pokemon games are not well-suited to novelizations, as their plots are largely just vehicles for making you fight a bunch of battles which, while cool in a game where you’re actually playing through them, are not interesting to read about. If you want to make a story out of it, you’ll need to diverge heavily from canon and introduce a ton of unique elements of your own. Notice how the anime and manga did this, and note also that they were still visual media that could fall back on cool, flashy battles, while you won’t be able to. Do you have some unique spin on the game’s plot, some unusual interpretation of the setting you want to explore? Try focusing on that.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13313740/1/The-Vaporeon-Of-Venice

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13318998/1/Tales-of-World

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13318904/1/Dimension-Crosser-Adventures-The-Stories-of-Slayer-LightStorm

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

Something’s gone wrong with your line breaks. This happens sometimes when uploading a file directly to FFN. You should preview your story to catch these errors.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13318725/1/New-Age-Knights-Rising

You’ve got coding errors. Preview your story before posting.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13318722/1/Bordering-on-Shadow-A-Pokemon-story

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Your opening sentences are in past tense, but the rest of the story is in present. Make sure to keep your tenses consistent.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. This is a teaser, not a chapter.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13313659/1/Poketopia-Kanto-league-competition

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

Your title needs to be fully capitalized. You might also want to pick a more original one. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[Goes and seeks out team members on his journey.]

This is a sentence fragment.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

Are you not a native speaker? There are a lot of strange constructions and tenses here that make the story hard to follow. I’d recommend getting a beta reader to help you.

[“One: You must first ask the Pokemon who has caught your interests of joining your team. Even if they aren’t civilized we highly suggest you ask. IF they are interested, your bangle color will turn blue, if they are uncertain it will be green and if they’re not interested. It will be red.”]

It makes me sad that it takes a pokemon-only AU to make us reach this level of bare minimum not-awfulness in training. More fics should have something like this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13313382/1/Healing-in-Hoenn

Blocked, new user.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13312945/1/The-Battle-Reflections-Vs-Gyarados

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13312892/1/The-Master-Quest

Blocked, don’t recognize them. SYOC.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13312681/1/Who-I-Am

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13312462/1/Lillie-gets-rejected

Blocked, previously reviewed. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13312401/1/A-Master-Education

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[The Pokémon world]

This is a weird term to use in-universe. We don’t call Earth “the human world” or “the animal world”. It might look better to sidestep this by just saying “the world” or some such.

I understand the urge to explain basic information to the reader to set the stage, but opening the story with description or exposition is actually not a good idea. Readers don’t actually need to know this stuff just yet to enjoy the story; things like how the character acts and what they’re doing matter much more in the long run. Show don’t tell, etc. This early on, you should stick to information that is immediately relevant. More minor details can come after readers have gotten invested.

[It would allow you to reconnect with your family and gain valuable experience battle trainers far more advanced than you currently are” came Oaks grandfatherly reply.]

Missing punctuation on the dialogue here.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13312393/1/Pokemon-Skyclad-Sojourn

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

[Vaniville Town

Kalos Region]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

You’re formatting dialogue inconsistently. The full rules are: Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[“Congratulations, Liz Azuria.” Professor Sycamore said. “Starting today, you are officially a

“]

Something went wrong here.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13312294/1/A-Study-of-Gravity-and-Light

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13312282/1/Molly-Hale-Gets-Adopted

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13312257/1/Pokemon-A-Kanto-Adventure

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13312035/1/When-Day-Breaks

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13311837/1/Just-an-accident

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You have a lot of breathless sentences and odd comma constructions, which makes the story hard to follow. I’d recommend reading up on punctuation usage and/or getting a beta reader to help you.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13311705/1/Flatulent-Babes-in-Galar

Blocked, previously encountered.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13311680/1/Vines-of-Deceit

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13311667/1/Pokemon-silver-crystal-nuzlocke-story

So, here’s the thing. The Pokemon games are not well-suited to novelizations, as their plots are largely just vehicles for making you fight a bunch of battles which, while cool in a game where you’re actually playing through them, are not interesting to read about. If you want to make a story out of it, you’ll need to diverge heavily from canon and introduce a ton of unique elements of your own. Notice how the anime and manga did this, and note also that they were still visual media that could fall back on cool, flashy battles, while you won’t be able to. Do you have some unique spin on the game’s plot, some unusual interpretation of the setting you want to explore? Try focusing on that.

Even beyond that, you need to read up on proper grammar. This is incoherent.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13311559/1/Heart-Over-Mind

Blocked, previously encountered.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13311428/1/The-Problematic-Orphans

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13311301/1/Eevee-family

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13311287/1/Mithriel-Hospital

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

[There lies a particularly small machamp]

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well.

[here were several fragments of glass lodged inside, and required corrective surgery and an LVAD to his heart, however she wasn’t responsible for the implant.]

The second comma here is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition. I also believe that “however” needs a comma after it.

[-Five Hours Later-]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. We don’t know anything about the titular hospital at this point, so simply namedropping it isn’t a very effective hook, and we barely know anything about the protagonist either. What’s this story going to be about? What are the stakes? In short, why should we keep reading? The first chapter should answer these questions.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13312664/1/Ulterior-Motives

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[Orre is lethal to Ice types, outright killing most within minutes.]

I’m not sure if that’s entirely accurate. Deserts can get extremely cold during the night. Many desert animals can survive by being nocturnal and finding shelter during the day.

I’m not sure if it’s necessary to go over this long spiel in the first place – we already know most of it from the games, and the remaining gaps are pretty easy to fill in ourselves. If any of this is important, it’d be better to bring it up when it becomes relevant. I understand the urge to explain basic information to the reader to set the stage, but opening the story with description or exposition is actually not a good idea. Readers don’t actually need to know this stuff just yet to enjoy the story; things like how the character acts and what they’re doing matter much more in the long run. Show don’t tell, etc. This early on, you should stick to information that is immediately relevant. More minor details can come after readers have gotten invested.

[Umbreon, who is named Yang, and Espeon, who is named Yin, are his top two, they freely travel outside of their designated Pokeballs at all times.]

The last comma here is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[“…”]

This is a visual art convention and doesn’t work in prose.

[Wes knows that he’d rather not have any of the females start going into heat. It’ll happen regardless, but during bike travels are the worse. Yin gets… cranky, and a cranky Yin is a very bad thing.]

Is this really necessary? There are plenty of fics that interpret pokemon more realistically/animal-like without getting into this. Acceptable breaks from reality are a thing. This frankly makes it look like you have a fetish for this, since that’s pretty much the only context heat ever comes up in. If you don’t and it’s not going to be relevant to the story, you might be better off not including it.

[The Dark and Ghost types, especially the ones that travel at night, would make quick work of Yin. A strong Bug type would too, but those might as well be considered extinct in Orre.]

This strikes me as a somewhat odd reassurance, as wild pokemon in general are rare in Orre and are weak compared to trained pokemon anyway. It’s trainer pokemon you need to worry about, and there are plenty of bugs among those. My espeon got clobbered by all the bug pokemon in the Under.

This is a pretty good premise, and I enjoy anything related to Pokemon Colosseum. I feel that this is a rather slow opening, though. You have a lot of short paragraphs and breaks, which act like speed bumps in the pace of a story, and your omniscient narrator keeps meandering into long asides that aren’t relevant, at least not right now.

[Yes, ‘kill’. Orre has the highest body count in all of the regions.]

And some of them, like this, really smack of trying too hard. Yes, we get it, this is a serious edgy story. Colosseum was already that, this isn’t terribly surprising or impressive. Just get to the point, please.

[“Aw look, a pair of wild Pokemon.” Wes hears and looks over… but then notices that the voice came from a rather skittish looking man. A thought passes through Wes’s mind, and Yin’s Psychic abilities pick up on it, with the situation handled, Wes focuses on the nozzle, making sure to get every last drop. “I’ve got perfect home for you both.”

“…Esp.” Yin, predictably, lazily responds.

“Umbreon…” Yang, on the other hand, growls.

“No, wait! It’s alright, I promise I’ll take real good care of you two.” He steps back, somewhat deterred by Yang. A distinct noise fills the air as he holds a Poke-ball. “Just hold… still!” He throws it…

Yin ‘catches’ it mid-air and returns it to his forehead.

Yang snickers.

“U-uh, wait!” He exclaims, “I-If you can do that, then…”

“They’re mine.” Wes finally speaks up. “Do feel free to try again, I’m sure you can use another lump.”]

That’s incredibly dickish of Wes. Unless you’ve changed Orre to be a complete hellhole where everyone is a criminal, the man’s done nothing to imply he deserves this.

[As for the ‘grammar’. Listen, mistakes are going to be made. I know each and every one of my works has them. We’re human, mistakes will be made. As long as nothing is glaring to the common person, as long as the point can be understood, then I’m not going to go through and nitpick the placement of every comma and period. I’ll do what I can, I’ll fix what I see, but I’m not going to stare at a screen for hours on end, picking apart every sentence. Typing fics is an enjoyable pastime for me. The feeling of being able to point to a work and say, “Yeah, that’s right. I typed that up.” I don’t want the experience to be stifled because it feels like I’m typing a novel up.]

That’s incredibly rude and inconsiderate to your readers.

Proper grammar is not novel-level quality. Proper grammar is the absolute bare minimum you should adhere to, because yes, it is necessary for your writing to be understandable. People should not have to puzzle out whether you meant for a sigh to describe how something was said or if it is a separate action. Grammar and proofreading is incredibly quick and easy once you stop wasting time complaining about it and actually sit down to learn it. Just do it.

8 Comments

  1. Sinitrena says:
    I have a question:

    You say: “In English, all words of a title are capitalized.” and “Your title needs to be fully capitalized.” That’s not how I learned it. I thought most words are capitalized, with the exception of minor, very small, short words, like articles and conjunctions.

    The review where I took the second quote from is “Journey of a legend” – I think it should be “Journey of a Legend”, following your advice it would be “Journey Of A Legend”.

    Could you clarify?

    1. You’re correct, but people have enough trouble following my reviews without getting into all the IFs and EXCEPTs in every single one of English’s byzantine rules.

      1. Venompaw says:

        Maybe refer them to a third party source like https://capitalizemytitle.com/? Or change it to “Your title is incorrectly capitalized, it should be ‘insert title.'”

         

         

         

        1. Can’t add links to reviews on FFN, and the entire point of the copypasta is so I don’t have to write a unique version every time.

          If they care, they can follow up for elaboration or do their own research.

          1. Sinitrena says:
            But the way you have it now is not correct. Giving false advice is worse than no advice at all.

            I’d probably change it to “Your title is incorrectly capitalized.” without further explanation. That should be enough if people really want to correct their mistakes, because they can look it up themselves (or ask you later).  And more importantly, it is not misleading.

            But honestly, titles are generally rather short anyways, so would it really be that much additional work for you to tell them exactly how they should look like?

            1. But honestly, titles are generally rather short anyways, so would it really be that much additional work for you to tell them exactly how they should look like?

              Yes, because it requires making a unique modification to a template call, which defeats the entire purpose of a template call.

              “Your title is incorrectly capitalized” without further explanation is the exact kind of useless vaguery that people get most frustrated by. “Your title needs to be fully capitalized” does not mean every word has to be capitalized, it means not all the words that should be capitalized are.

              You are really splitting hairs here. I cannot recall a single case in literal years of doing this where too many words of a title were capitalized. It is always either native speakers who know exactly what I’m talking about but who are too lazy to do it, or, very rarely, it is nonnative speakers who can and do ask for clarification if they’ve heard conflicting information. This is not an issue.

              Reply
            2. Venompaw says:

              “Your title needs to be fully capitalized”

               

              Is an improvement over the one you used.

              In English, all words of a title are capitalized (is clearly false.)

              Reply
            3. Guest says:
              Why is it an inconvenience to make a unique modification? You can add an explanation in one more sentence.
              1
              Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Skip to toolbar