[21] The Other Pokereviews, Part 79

Today there’s an attempt at a humanxgardevoir romance that is so totally different from mindless porn you guys. It very much does not succeed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12733736/1/What-if-X-was-a-Pokemon

Non-story chapters are banned on this site. Put this in a forum thread.

[strait forward]

Also, you want “straightforward”. A strait is a channel of water.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12731512/1/Pokegirls-The-Darkness-of-Man

[No current summary as the plot isnt planned]

That’s a problem, then. Don’t post until you know what you’re doing. Even if you purposefully want to make it up as you go along, you should have some idea in mind of what you want the story to be about and tell people what that is.

You don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context.

[his Tamer’s licence]

This shouldn’t be capitalized, as it’s not a proper noun.

[“Jackson, honey! It’s time for breakfast!” His mother called]

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12731656/1/Sunsets

[ficlet/drabble]

Those words aren’t synonyms; a drabble is a story consisting of exactly 100 words, a ficlet is just a short story.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12731727/1/Ash-s-Girl

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Stop capitalizing random words.

[(If u know what I mean?)]

Including author’s notes in the middle of a story is always a terrible idea. Stories run on immersion and suspension of disbelief; interrupting the story and pointing to the wires shatters that, much like an actor breaking character in a theater production.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[u look a bit uncomfortable]

Generally, try harder.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12731993/1/The-Summit

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

The apostrophe symbol is ‘, not ´. the latter looks very strange in this format.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[“Cinnabar is an acquired taste” Oak´s friend, Elite Four member Blaine always said]

You also need to punctuate dialogue even in situations like these.

[Well, even if true Oak did not plan on staying long.]

This needs a comma after “true”.

[who claimed was on the verge of a breakthrough]

Dropped a word here. I recommend getting a beta reader if you’re making this many mistakes.

This plot doesn’t grab me.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12732369/1/What-We-Saw-From-The-Stars

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[he shrug.]

You want “shrugs”, and this sentence should be capitalized.

[Keyword- tried]

You also want “key word” here, two words. “Keyword” is a technical term.

I’m not sure what you’re trying to do with the vlog thing. It’s such a visual format that describing it in prose sounds very awkward and too detached. It might work if this was, like, a video series or something, but I don’t see what it adds to this story. It might be a better idea to write these from Sol’s perspective; the story is about him, is it not? The narration needs to focus on what’s important.

Relatedly, this is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. One scene with one character isn’t enough. I still know very little of this protagonist – how does he interact with others? What are his plans and desires? I know nothing at all of the plot or how it’s going to change from the games – what’s going to happen, and why should I care? The first chapter needs to answer these questions. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12732390/1/Ashlyn-Ketchum-Makings-of-a-Legend

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

[Smarter!Ash. Eventual Aura!Ash.]

If you want to write an OC, just write an OC, don’t insist your OC is wearing Ash’s skin as a suit.

[:Flashback:]

This isn’t a video game; you can establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

[Look, mommy!]

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12732451/1/A-Path-Under-the-Moon

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[She had her old friends in Kanto whom had already become Pokemon trainers before her.]

This needs a comma after “Kanto”. You have some similar errors throughout this. I recommend getting a beta reader for this.

[“Hm…” She looked up the path to the right of her door, “There should be a town that way…”]

The narration here should end with a period, as it’s a separate sentence from the dialogue.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12732456/1/Growlithe-vs-Jeff-the-killer

[It had been two years since Growlithe saved Jenny from Hypno]

That makes as much sense as you being named “Human”. Yes, I know the Mystery Dungeon games do this. Doesn’t change the fact that it’s ridiculous and confusing. Your characters deserve actual names.

You need to learn how to use commas.

Is this part of a series? I feel very lost here.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12732590/1/Scarcely-Seen

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

[N was crying one the ground]

Typo.

[It’s. . . nothing.]

Spacing out ellipses looks weird. I recommend against it.

[Rosa could see in his eyes that he was lying, even though he was doing his best to not make eye contact.]

This wording is awkward; on first pass it looks like the final clause relates to “he was lying”. It would be clearer if this sentence was flipped around – [even though he was doing his best to not make eye contact, Rosa could see in his eyes that he was lying].

A long recap section seems unnecessary and really drags down the pace of the story – we all already know this, and honestly Rosa should as well, as the event had to have been well-publicized. The only important information is N’s personal perspective on Hilda, so that’s what should be focused on.

This feels very stilted. The conversation doesn’t feel natural at all – everyone lays out their thoughts and emotions way too neatly and in way too much detail, and Rosa is mostly only there to give N someone to exposit to.

I also don’t really get the appeal of player character romances in the first place… They’re totally blank slates, so we have no prior investment or idea of who they are. Rosa is effectively your OC here, and so we can only glean her personality, and thus her compatibility with N, from this one scene.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12732787/1/Forming-an-Alliance

[(Another medieval au made by someone who has never studied anything medieval besides like the plague)]

…Then why are you writing a medieval AU? What attracts you to this subject if you’re not interested in learning more about it? These stories don’t necessarily have to be historically accurate, but this is still an odd thing to say.

This belongs in the Manga world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

“King” and “Queen” are not proper nouns and should not be capitalized except when they are appended to a name.

[thank you father]

However, when a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

You’re using a lot of comma splices. I recommend reading up on sentence structure and comma usage.

[A maid saw Crystal and ran up to her saying, “milady!]

Dialogue is still capitalized if narration precedes it.

[“Good morning Crystal!” Her father greeted.]

And speech tag capitalization rules remain constant regardless of dialogue punctuation.

You’re overusing uncommon speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever fancy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12732957/1/The-Lost-Prince

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

[Ash starts his journey not to become a Pokemon Master but to find answers to the questions haunting his mind.]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. What’s your plot?

[He is smart, calm and a gentle personality but fears the society. But he has an ability that he doesn’t know.]

If you want to write about an OC, just write about an OC, don’t insist they’re wearing Ash’s skin as a suit.

I guarantee you do not need a speech key. If basic actions aren’t obvious from context, you’re doing something wrong.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[(*NOTE: I am not good at describing appearances so the ones whose appearances are not discribed I will try my best. For others, please refer to original pictures.)]

Including author’s notes in the middle of a story is always a terrible idea. Stories run on immersion and suspension of disbelief; interrupting the story and pointing to the wires shatters that, much like an actor breaking character in a theater production.

Are you sure you want this to be titled “epilogue”, not “prologue”?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12733054/1/Luster

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[This is a gardevoirxhuman relationship story. If you came here looking for a lot of smut, you came to the wrong story. Not to say there won’t be that, in time, but it will be done tastefully, in a manner that fleshes out the protagonists’ relationship. This is a story about finding something good and whole where everyone says it’s evil and condemns it.]

Okay so here’s the thing: The canon is not well set-up for wholesome and healthy human-pokemon relationships. Under the standard trainer model, pokemon are not treated as people. Their trainers literally own them and can do pretty much anything to them. It is not clear if pokemon can leave a trainer they dislike, but signs point to no. Under that model, this relationship cannot be wholesome. It is, at absolute best, akin to a relationship between a prisoner and a guard. The trainer holds too much power in the relationship for there to be meaningful consent on the pokemon’s part. You can avoid these problems with thought and dedication, but it essentially requires coming up with your own completely original system, which is a lot of work and starts to raise the question of why not just write original fiction.

[my last pokemon left standing, a shiny kirlia]

Aaand it’s a shiny. Of course it is.

In stories, there’s a thing called “conservation of detail”. It states, essentially, that every detail in the story should matter. You have complete control over what goes into the story, so you should make sure you only include relevant details. If you don’t, readers can get confused, because they don’t know what’s important and worth paying attention to and what’s filler.

With this in mind: What is the purpose of giving the protagonist this incredibly rare and special thing? What are you trying to communicate with this? Because, to me, defining the love interest through her physical appearance raises some uncomfortable implications. Would he care about her as much if she wasn’t the prettiest most specialest thing ever? I’m sure your immediate answer is “yes”, but, in that case, you should show, not tell.

[self-proclaimed “poisonous ninja master,” Janine]

When a thing in quotes isn’t a full sentence, it doesn’t need punctuation.

[It didn’t matter if it had happened before, the sight of her collapsing was always enough to keep me up at night. It wasn’t the same with Sozo, my scyther or Lumis, my taciturn absol.

Aster was… different.]

So I know this is meant to show how much he cares about Aster, but it actually makes him look terrible. Remember what I said about the vast inequality of trainer-pokemon relationships? That applies to non-romantic aspects too. Being upset at living things getting hurt is a natural human reaction, all the more so if you care about the living thing in any capacity. Caring about Aster getting hurt isn’t an exceptional sign of love, it’s basic human decency; so, the fact he doesn’t feel it for his other pokemon looks incredibly callous.

[We were the perfect team; it wasn’t until she evolved that things changed. She wanted something that I couldn’t give her.]

I want you to really think about what you’re depicting here. As I said, the trainer-pokemon relationship is one of an extreme power imbalance. Why can’t she find someone else to give her what she wants? Why, it’s because he took her from her friends and family (or raised her in complete isolation from her natural environment, if he hatched her) and won’t let her leave to make any more connections. She is completely dependent on him, but only because he made her dependent. That is not the basis for a healthy relationship.

Moreover, it is incredibly tone-deaf of you to put all the focus on how hard it is for the person who has all the power here. If this is too much for him, he can say no. He can release her, he can box her, he can find some solution. She can’t. I care a lot more about her perspective and her predicament – why does she feel this way in the first place, what were the circumstances that led her here, why can’t she do anything about it? – than Mr. Manpain here.

A truly wholesome relationship is a two-way street. It is not a man getting handed everything he wants just for meeting the bare minimum. You need to show us her perspective and what she is getting out of the relationship.

[It really wasn’t healthy – having feelings for a pokemon was a taboo, a grave sin to the people of Kanto. To the world, really. It’s not like I chose to have them. They just happened.]

Nor am I interested in how very hard it is for jailors not to rape their captors. Because that’s what this is. Someone completely dependent on you for food, protection, and even the ability to walk around at all cannot meaningfully consent. The power dynamics are too extreme here. This is wrong; society is right to ban it.

[“You deserve someone you can be happy with. Openly. I can’t give you that.”]

Yes he can. He can make a sacrifice: he can release her back to her home. There are ralts there she can have a relationship with. He can take a risk: he can start a campaign to change the law. If the law is truly unjust, that is what he should do anyway, to help everyone else in his situation. He has choices. She does not. That he is too cowardly to make real sacrifices for her does not speak well for this as a long-term relationship.

[She projected an image of a gardevoir into my head and scribbled something down. I can change. You like this, right? If I change, can we be together?

“I can’t promise anything,” I said. “I’ll think about it, okay?”]

I have no idea what you’re trying to say here. This is a complete non-sequitor. He already said he wanted to reciprocate her feelings, but couldn’t because of external circumstances. This does nothing to address the actual problem. And therefore no, he absolutely cannot promise anything, and it’s wrong of him to give her false hope.

[Aster let out a happy cry, like the muted tinkling of a broken bell.]

That is a really dissonant simile. Why does he think of something broken and muted when she’s happy? Is he attracted to weakness and vulnerability?

[“I don’t want… to be safe,” she projected with some difficulty. It was surprising; I had never heard her form words before. “I want… you.”]

How can you write this and think it sounds romantic. “Safe” and “in a relationship” should not be mutually exclusive things. Wanting to sacrifice your own well-being for an emotional high is not even remotely healthy.

[“What do you want me to do, then?”

“What… you want. I want what you want.”]

Again, I don’t know how you think this is romantic. If someone said this to me, I would be horrified and tell them to see a therapist. A relationship is a two-way street. If the girl has no personality or desires of her own beyond fulfilling the man’s wildest fantasies, you are not writing a romance story, you are just writing porn.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12733844/1/The-Tales-Of-A-Trainer

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

[Smarter, More Practical Ash]

If you want to write about an OC, just write about an OC, don’t insist they’re wearing Ash’s skin as a suit.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[Delia Ketchum stood there in all her feminine rage]

Do not ever say “feminine rage”. Just don’t.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[Sorry mom, cant talk]

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

Also, missing apostrophe. Spellcheck.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12734082/1/Pokemon-Trainer-Kara

Non-story chapters are banned on this site. Put this elsewhere.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12734084/1/Moonlight

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[“…Thinking,”]

When dialogue isn’t paired with a speech verb, it ends with a period.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12734572/1/Pokemon-Meowth-s-Connection

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12734889/1/Jolt-and-Ashley-s-Forbidden-Love

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section. If you have difficulties or objections, take it to this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/165132256/1/World-Tags

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[ok then]

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced ook, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12734894/1/Awesome-Pokemon-Sitcom-Season-3-The-Lost-Episodes

Please make a summary that tells people what the story is actually about.

This is incoherent. Try harder.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12733612/1/The-Ceraphenine-Games

[A bunch of people and creatures from around the multiverse are summoned in a world to participate in some bizarre games. Who will end up being victorious till the very end?]

Summaries need to tell us more than just the genre. Who are these people, what are the games, and what are the stakes? Or in other words, why should we care?

[In a small cottage near Three Island town, there lived a small family comprised of 5 members.]

All parts of a name are capitalized, so this should be “Three Island Town”. Also, in prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

[(2004, February)]

This isn’t a video game; you can establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

[“What kind of plate it is, grandpa?”]

When a title (such as “grandpa”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

[Entaro retorted excitedly.]

You’re overusing uncommon speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever fancy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

This belongs in crossovers.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12733788/1/Ambition

Though I appreciate that you aren’t capitalizing the word “pokemon” itself, you shouldn’t capitalize species names either, for the same reason. Similar logic applies to titles like “trainer” or “champion”.

[That changed in the autumn, when the baby who would be called Alexander Blake was born into the world, screaming at the top of his lungs. By all accounts he was an ordinary baby. He ate, he pooped, he cried; he did baby things. It was only over the years did his parents notice he was anything but ordinary. He hated cartoons, and instead watched the news or documentaries. He played with his brother, but he showed none of the expected resentment if he lost at a game, compared to his brother who threw a tantrum when losing. He spent hours reading books with a focused intensity rarely found in academics, much less a child.]

So he’s a giant sue is what you’re telling me. Look, is this really necessary? Even if it’s vitally important that he be the most prodigious prodigy of the prestige, that is something you can show in the story itself – “show, don’t tell” is in full effect here. Start where your plot starts.

But even so, your narrator is absolutely insufferable. I am not interested in reading about an infallible prodigy who does nothing but sneer about how inferior the plebs are. Characters need to have more than just power or ability to make them compelling.

Also, posting multiple chapters in the same chapter is banned on this site. Use the chaptering feature. You don’t need a separate prologue section anyway; it works perfectly fine as part of your first chapter.

2 Comments

  1. CrazyEd says:

    Again, I don’t know how you think this is romantic. If someone said this to me, I would be horrified and tell them to see a therapist. A relationship is a two-way street. If the girl has no personality or desires of her own beyond fulfilling the man’s wildest fantasies, you are not writing a romance story, you are just writing porn.

    This wholesome and healthy romance story somehow contains less wholesome healthy romance than the gratuitous bodice-ripping pornography I am currently writing.

    Also, posting multiple chapters in the same chapter is banned on this site. Use the chaptering feature. You don’t need a separate prologue section anyway; it works perfectly fine as part of your first chapter.

    This site bans the weirdest things sometimes, I swear.




    0
    1. No, that one’s totally reasonable. Having chapters not match up with what’s in the official chapter list is incredibly confusing. Most of FFN’s rules do actually make sense, they’re just badly enforced.




      0

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Skip to toolbar