[22] The Other Pokereviews, Part 138

Some novelizations of varying quality.

Anime count: 11

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13098286/1/A-Strange-Journey-Through-Unova

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Says they’re mad about the anti-CU spam and also that they really do support CU, so either Hybrid convincing them I’m responsible for the spam or CU whining about me are possibilities.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13098352/1/Alseis

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13098763/1/Icarus

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[My own mom I could hear talking to Professor Oak about her ongoing studies of Pokémon Type energies in the hall; which meant I had time to snag a treat.]

This is improper semicolon usage. As a general rule of thumb, you should be able to replace semicolons with periods and still have the resulting sentences make sense; for instance, what I’m doing here. A comma would be more appropriate here.

You’re really overusing semicolons in general and using them in a lot of places where commas or em dashes would be more appropriate.

[broken from our reverie by the Professors voice]

Missing apostrophe.

[The SI in this story had lost most of his past life’s memories for actual story reasoning I’ll go into at a later date. His ‘core’ self remained and will influence him more as time goes by. Currently he’s a much more mature ten year old, but still just a ten year old at heart.]

You don’t show a very good job of showing this. Currently he really is acting like an 18-year-old in a kid’s body.

To be honest, I’ve never really understood the point of this trope. Kids making mistakes and learning from them is kind of the point of a journey story, isn’t it? Watching a perfectly logical actor coast through everything doesn’t feel terribly interesting to me. Maybe you do plan to have him develop in a different way, but if so, you should make that clearer. Right now, all I get is that he wants power, which is rather shallow as a motivation.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13099016/1/Eclipsed-Paradise

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

[In the center of that bridge, a cloud-shaped Pokémon]

You did so here, however.

[Piper, an ambitious young trainer leaves her hometown]

This needs a comma before “leaves”.

[to hike Mahalo trail]

All parts of a name are capitalized, so this should be “Mahalo Trail”.

[a young blond girl]

You want “blonde”. “Blond” is the masculine form.

[Without warning, the blond girl stumbled and her moss green eyes met Piper’s own.]

This isn’t a, like, bad way to do description exactly, but it’s a rather overused trope. I mean, how often do you take the time to notice someone’s exact eye color, especially when they’re relatively far away and there’s a lot more going on, as here? In limited POV, the narration is tied to the protagonist’s own thoughts and abilities – they can only describe what they should be able to see, which means everything they recount is something they took the time to focus on. You could use this if you wanted to make a point that this character had a thing about eyes, for instance – I’ve seen some fantasy stories that use that as a hint that the protagonist is a magical creature who recognizes eyes as having mystic significance, for instance. However, if that’s not what you mean to convey, you should probably have her focusing on other, more immediately recognizable features, rather than something difficult like the exact shade of eye color.

[the others pecking away at “Nebby.”]

Generally, punctuation is only included in quotes if it’s literally part of the thing being quoted. [pecking away at “Nebby”.] would be more accurate.

[She dashed towards Nebby a galaxy-hued blob]

Missing comma here.

[Oh Arceus, I don’t even know where to begin]

Why would an Unovan be swearing by a Sinnohan deity and not her own? Using Arceus in place of God sounds ridiculous and has no basis in canon. It’s fine to just use “God”.

[“Hon, it’s just not healthy to obsess over perfection,” her mom said. “It can be fun to battle, but there are right and wrong ways to win. Winning at the expense of your wellbeing…”]

Oh huh, that’s an interesting trait to give the protagonist here. Makes her a bit of a foil to Lusamine. I feel like the connection is a little too faint, though – Lusamine seems to obsess over the perfection of objects, hoarding things in controlled stasis, rather than actions. Though there’s a shared motive of perfectionism, I feel their manifestations are very different. But maybe you’ll be tweaking Lusamine too to help them align.

[“But what about dad’s job?”]

Forgot to capitalize “Dad” here.

[There was no convincing her parents notto move.]

Missing space.

This is quite decently written, and I like the way you’re fleshing out the protagonist and the hints of additional elements. I feel like this first chapter moves a bit slow, though – you open by just recounting the opening of the games, which we’re already familiar with. It’s not until the end of the chapter that you get into the unique elements of the story, which is what’s interesting. It might be better to move things faster and start wherever your major divergence point is – you’re under no obligation to cover every detail leading up to the story’s main event.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13099018/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Hoenn-The-journey-of-the-elements

Part of a series. I’m not blocked.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13099418/1/Pokemon-dawn-of-a-new-world

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13099956/1/A-feeling-of-overwhelming-pleasure

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

I should not have to tell you that sentences need to be capitalized. Try harder.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13100555/1/Journey-of-an-Inspiring-Day-Care-Owner

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[He had met all three of his pokemon when he was 10 years old, he had been exploring near the tall grass in his home town of Pallet when a wild pidgey had tried to peck him.]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

[The bird used it’s beak]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

So do you have a plot for this? The standard trainer journey is not a plot. If you’re just trying to novelize the game, you’re going to peter out. That’s not an indictment of your skill, that’s based on years of observation and the fact that the games don’t really have a plot, if we’re being honest. It’s good that you’re thinking of an alternate motivation for the character, but if that’s only going to change his end goal and not the structure of the story, you’ll still run into the problems most journey fic get.

Relatedly, this is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. If you do have a more original plot planned, you should start there; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event.

Generally, I recommend you get a beta reader, both to help you with the grammar errors and for story planning.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13100575/1/Pokemon-Dreams

Blocked, previously encountered.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13100758/1/My-Room

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

Second-person fic is sometimes classed as interactive fic, which is banned on this site and can therefore get your story deleted. You should back this up just in case. Archive of Our Own allows second-person fic, if you’d like to have a secondary repository.

This is really nice. I feel like you’ve accurately captured the player’s feelings at this moment. There’s a big sense of “well, what now?” when you beat the champion and just end up back in your room, I think.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13100772/1/Stadium

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

This is a neat perspective. But, isn’t a cactuar a Final Fantasy creature? The cactus pokemon are Cacnea, Cacturne, and Maractus.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13101216/1/The-Oncoming-Storm

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

This is really hard to follow. I think you’re overrelying on dialogue.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13101277/1/Pokemon-Adventures-with-Max

You’ve got coding errors. Preview your story before posting it.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13101318/1/Pokemon-out-for-revenge

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13101587/1/Blair-s-Second-Chance

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[The man’s name… is Blair. Blair Loren. You see the thing is right now he’s dying, however something is alive. Something he saved. Something amazing. Blair is a man 23 years of age. Before there was nothing incredibly special about him, other than perhaps being an orphan and having a stint with long hair until he was forced to cut it recently. Well… more like it was cut and shaved as part of the torture. I’ll spare you the details.]

This kind of rambling, stream-of-consciousness style is really not suited for such a tense scene, and completely ruins the impact. The order in which you present details is important. You need to plan out your writing or it’s just going to be a mess.

I don’t really see what’s added by the rebirth, time travel, and Celebi bits. It feels like an unnecessary complication, and makes the character look like a Sue when he has a literal god on his side. If you just want to write about a downtrodden guy with a magikarp starter, there are easier ways to set that up.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13101724/1/Any-Color-You-Like

Blocked, previously reviewed. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13101729/1/Andromeda-s-Lament

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13101783/1/Rise-of-Draconus-Prime

You’ve got coding errors. Preview your story before posting.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13101897/1/The-Mayor-s-Outrage

Blocked, previously reviewed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13102035/1/Of-Sparks-And-Toxins

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

[When strange creatures encounter the young child, they decide to parent the kid, how will the child’s life and journey change with the appearance of the Pokémon, how does the evil teams react as they find out his little secret]

This sentence needs punctuation, and all except the first comma are comma splices. You need to split this sentence up or use a different transition.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[jellyfish like]

Like all compound adjectives, this should be hyphenated.

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. I have no idea who this is, where the plot is going, or why I should care right now.

Your description is decent, but the comma splices make the whole thing feel rushed and compressed. I recommend reading up on comma usage, and getting a beta reader to help you.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13102120/1/The-Very-Best-I-Can-Be

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

[just him an Phanpy]

Typo.

[Pseudo Legendaries]

I’m not too fond of using the term “legendaries” in fic. It’s very much a fandom term, as it’s a shorthand for the canon term “legendary pokemon”. “Pseudolegendaries” even more so – I don’t believe there’s even an official term for them. These classifications only really make sense in a game context.

[it was at that moment he knew him and all his team]

That should be “he and his team”.

I understand the urge to explain basic information to the reader to set the stage, but opening the story with a summary of the protagonist’s life story up to this point is actually not a good idea. Readers don’t actually need to know this stuff just yet to enjoy the story; things like how the character acts and what they’re doing matter much more in the long run. Show don’t tell, etc. This early on, you should stick to information that is immediately relevant. Integrating these details more smoothly into the story as they become relevant will make for a cleaner experience.

You’re formatting dialogue inconsistently. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[you’re Lucario looks so cool]

You want “your”. “You’re” means “you are”.

[blocking it’s attack]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

The battle here is quite simplistic. It feels like a novelization of a game battle – you do describe the attacks, but there’s little dynamism or interest to the battle, just an exchange of attacks. You should think about how you can add extra wrinkles to battles, such as using the environment or attacks in an unusual way. The Pokemon anime itself has some examples of this, as do many other TV shows with lots of fights.

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. We haven’t even gotten to the plot hook mentioned in your summary.

If this is anime fic, you should tag your story as such so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13102132/1/Twisted-Science

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

You don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[(Meanwhile running in the forest)]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

Generally, this is pretty messy. The number of typos and grammar errors in this makes the story hard to follow. I recommend getting a beta reader to help you.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13102270/1/The-Owl-s-Messenger

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[I had unintentionally woken her when I got off my bed, she was rubbing her eyes awake.]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Talking pokemon are an enormous can of worms you shouldn’t open unless you have a very good explanation for why one group of people is being owned by another group of people.

[They were under my bed the whole time, thank Arceus.]

Using Arceus in place of God sounds ridiculous and has no basis in canon. It’s fine to just use “God”.

[“Hey, what happened to your golden eyes?” Hedgewig asked.

“Oh, I’m going out, so I’ll be wearing these contacts, to try and not grab attention. Hau’oli City is huge after all. And yeah, we can talk now. What is it?”

“Wait… those are contacts?”

“Oh, yeah, they are. See, my parents didn’t want anyone viewing me as some sort of freak.”]

How does she not know this? Haven’t they been traveling for a while?

[About 3 times]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

This is incredibly confusing. The characters repeatedly seem confused about details they should be familiar with, and the description of the environment is very unclear. I’m having a very hard time following this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13102277/1/Protection

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13102367/1/done

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Also, a new speaker requires a new paragraph. Not doing this makes me not want to read your story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13102482/1/Pokemon-Light-Shadow

Blocked, previously reviewed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13102624/1/Ryan-s-Journey-of-Love

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

[Pallet Town 10:30 Am]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

[Once out the 14 year old boy dried off and looked into the bathroom mirror the boy had raven haired, blue as the azure sky eyes. The 14 year old walked out of the bathroom and got dressed witch was a black sleeveless hoodie over a blue T-shirt, blue jeans, black/white trainers, black fingerless gloves, and a black sling bag with a grey Pokéball logo on the center of the bag.]

So, description is tricky to do in an engaging way. Notice how these sentences do absolutely nothing to advance the narrative; you’ve brought the story to a screeching halt to tell us these things, and you’re going to jerk us back into motion just as suddenly in the next paragraph. These sorts of “start-stop” moments are things you should try to avoid.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Also, a new speaker requires a new paragraph. Not doing this makes your dialogue too hard to follow for me to continue reading.

Generally, this is a mess. You need to put more effort into this. Get a beta reader if you have trouble.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13102727/1/Against-All-Odds

Blocked, new user.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13102878/1/Roses-and-Cabbages

Blocked, previously reviewed. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13103293/1/A-Different-Beginning-Kanto-Reborn

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[What would have happened if the Pokémon World changed before Ash could get his Pokmémon? What if he was a little older and already knew which unconventional Pokémon he wanted as his starter?]

I don’t see how much would change. The starter isn’t actually a very important decision; if he’s still going to fill out a full team, his full capabilities will still be different and the starter will only matter for the early sections. And in a story, the starter is its own character, so its personality and role in the story is much more important that what species it is.

Web documents don’t let you do indents, so you should double-space between paragraphs to separate them more neatly.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[9 years had passed]

Sentences can never start with a numeral; you must always write the number out if it’s at the beginning of a sentence.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13103836/1/Red-Is-The-Coldest-Color

Blocked, previously encountered.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13104109/1/Encountering-shades

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

In English, there are no spaces before punctuation.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[Dear Arceus..]

Using Arceus in place of God sounds ridiculous and has no basis in canon. It’s fine to just use “God”.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13104437/1/I-m-sorry

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13104441/1/The-Multi-verse-Theory

Blocked, previously reviewed. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13104514/1/Sense-of-Justice

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13104971/1/Randommmmmmmm

Blocked, Paradoxicle. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13104995/1/Spin-and-Win

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

This feels oddly sterile – you’re recounting events in simple sentences with no emotion or imagery to them. Despite the intense danger of what’s happening, I feel very detached from events.

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. This isn’t even a full introduction, as we haven’t even caught up with the plot hook mentioned in the summary.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13105269/1/Coming-Together-is-a-Beginning

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13105376/1/Ash-and-Misty-talk-about-black-people

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced “ock”, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

Trolling is supposed to be entertaining. Try harder.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13105522/1/Not-Too-Far-From-Home

Previously reviewed, not blocked.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13105680/1/The-Journey-Through-Alola

You need to learn how to use punctuation. This is full of run-on sentences.

[Ryan Phillips (not my name, i’m not dumb enough to put my name on this site)]

Including author’s notes in the middle of a story is not a good idea. Stories run on immersion and suspension of disbelief; interrupting the story and pointing to the wires shatters that, much like an actor breaking character in a theater production.

I also should not have to tell you “I” is capitalized. Put a bare minimum of effort into this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13105826/1/Parallel-Lines-A-Pok%C3%A9mon-One-shot

Previously reviewed. I’m not blocked.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13106052/1/A-tale-from-unEXPected-trainers

You’ve got coding errors. Preview your story before posting.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13106225/1/Limelight

Previously reviewed, also X/Y. I’m not blocked.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13106254/1/Choices-in-the-Storm

Previously reviewed. I’m not blocked.

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