The Curious and the Shiny got a reboot! I unfortunately fell behind on the original, but the new version is looking great. There are a few good openings, otherwise.

Anime: 9

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13130989/1/Varsity-Struggles

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

You don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context.

Additionally, I strongly recommend against using multiple POVs in the same chapter. The story will be stronger if you can structure it so that we learn everything we need to from one perspective, especially early on when we’re still getting invested.

[Kanto state university]

All parts of a name are capitalized, so this should be “Kanto State University”. Additionally, the state university system only exists in the United States, since it has, you know, states. Unless you mean to say that Kanto is a providence of a greater nation, just “Kanto University” would probably make more sense. You could flavor it a bit more and tie it to the city it’s in, as with Oxford; that could also give us some nice information about the setting. Is this a minor local college, or did Ash get placement in one of the big cities?

[I git out of bed]

An amusing typo, but a typo nonetheless.

[our teams third string]

Missing apostrophe.

[I still don’t know him all that well outside of him as a football player, but I don’t want to push any of his buttons by asking him anything he doesn’t want to be asked about.]

I have watched like three episodes of the anime and even I know that’s incredibly OOC. Ash and Gary being childhood friends is a vital part of their dynamic. It’s not impossible to do a what-if about if they met later in life, but if you want to preserve the basic dynamic without any twists, you should probably be sticking to their canon relationship.

[I don’t need their to be any tension]

You want “there”. “Their” is possessive.

[(btw if you get that reference please message me lol)]

Including author’s notes in the middle of a story is not a good idea. Stories run on immersion and suspension of disbelief; interrupting the story and pointing to the wires shatters that, much like an actor breaking character in a theater production. This also, uh, isn’t really an obscure reference.

Generally, I recommend getting a beta reader to help you catch the grammar errors I pointed out. Also, while I am obviously uncertain on how accurate everyone’s personalities are, this doesn’t seem to have much to do with Pokemon. If you just want to write college slice-of-life, it might be better to just write original fiction.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13131529/1/Family-Portrait

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13131541/1/POKEMON-ULTIMATE

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Someone impersonated me in the reviews, but they don’t quite match Sevenways’ speech pattern, so probably an unrelated troll.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13131787/1/Vigilant-Always-Vigilant

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[They had no real idea on where to head, the railroad they were looking for was completely covered by trees]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

[A silver object, with various dark colors covering it was revealed. Seven red dots flashed, with following beeping.]

That’s a rather sparse description, and could describe several things. I initially thought it was a bomb. You should describe how it is shaped; that it’s humanoid is a significant detail.

[The Registeel continued to advance]

This seemed abrupt to me – the characters haven’t confirmed what it is. Unless you are going for an omniscient narrator and dramatic irony where we are supposed to recognize what it is, it would aid in the mystery to continue describing it from the characters’ confused perspective.

This reads more like a summary than a story – you’re jumping very abruptly between decompressed and normal time, with no indication of time skips or scene breaks. It would make for a crisper story if we didn’t need these time jumps, and everything was resolved in the first meeting with the registeel. It already shows its usefulness there, so it would be fine to end with the humans ominously saying they have a use for it and then cutting away – the exact logistics of how they recover it aren’t necessary for the story.

This does feel rather disconnected from Pokemon – Registeel is one of the less unique pokemon, and you could easily slot in a robot or other creature here. Grungy war fic is also generally an aesthetic that clashes with Pokemon’s. Unless you plan to incorporate more pokemon, it might be better to retool this as original fiction.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13131818/1/A-wrired-connection

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

Please, please don’t use “Y/n”, it’s incredibly awkward and therefore accomplishes the exact opposite effect of what you want. Just use “you”.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

This is incoherent. I have no idea what’s going on.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13132444/1/The-Other-Side-of-the-Pok%C3%A9ball

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[«I’m fine, Sevisi.», she said]

Punctuation shouldn’t go outside quotes with dialogue. As a general rule of thumb, you should format it as if the quote marks aren’t there. [«I’m fine, Sevisi,» she said] is correct.

This is a solid opening, though a bit short. It’s fortunate that the second chapter is here now, but you probably should have posted them together.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13132444/2/The-Other-Side-of-the-Pok%C3%A9ball

[instructor Kalian]

When a title is appended to a name, it’s capitalized like one. So this should be “Instructor Kalian”.

[Kalian was the one who conducted the test that was assigned to you.]

Why wouldn’t they know this? It’s fairly obvious from context anyway, so I don’t think this is necessary.

[The true nature of the scientific experiment mentioned in A. is not to be revealed to the Contractor until they (the Contractor) accept the terms above and below, sign the present Contract, and the Carrier confirms its validity as per their (the Carrier’s) terms.]

That cannot possibly be legal. Human experiments require informed consent. Even when the details cannot be disclosed, employers are required to provide a full list of any potential harm the contractor can incur. If they don’t know what risks they’re consenting to, their consent is meaningless.

[On the other hand, I couldn’t ignore the fact that I didn’t know what exactly this was all about and that I would only know once I could no longer back out. It was also fairly clear they wanted to experiment on me, to have a human test subject. In addition, such high entry rewards could only mean that, whatever it was, it was going to involve risk, lots of it. What could they possibly be testing that met those two criteria? Silph Company dealt primarily in Pokémon acessories and consumables like pokéballs, TMs, potions and elixirs. None of that suggested any kind of particularly risky activities. It just didn’t make any sense.]

And I find it really bizarre that this is his only reaction. He knows they’re doing human experimentation, he knows that there is risk they’re not telling him, and he knows the terms are effectively imprisonment, yet his reaction isn’t to immediately run to the police? How does he not see this as fishy?

[‘What the hell was that?!’, I thought.]

You shouldn’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[I did enjoy watching Pokémon battles, however. I admired how the trainers made split second decisions based on the circumstances and I found the Pokémon’s endurance and spirit very impressive. They sometimes took hits that would usually kill or cripple a human with barely a flinch and they would never back down from a fight even if in the face of insurmountable odds, such as a massive difference in size. Very tough creatures they were.]

This feels like filler – everyone reading this is already familiar with pokemon and their capabilities. I think it’d be fine to pare this down to just saying he admires their endurance.

[I took a deep breath and passed him the signed contract. “I accept.” Instantly, his face lit up.

“Splendid! Come in, we will start right away.” He walked at a brisk pace, leading me through the same corridor as last time. “We will reveal what we have in store for you shortly. In addition, your bank account will be credited within six hours.”]

You don’t mention him signing the contract. Isn’t that important?

[And this, as we called her, the Soul Merger, will do just as her name suggests: it will combine your DNA with our captured essence. That can have two results. If your body rejects it, nothing will happen. If it doesn’t, however, it will merge with you, granting you some interesting abilities.]

This is so obviously a lie. If there was truly no downside, there’d be no need for such secrecy. You do have the narrator make some token acknowledgements of this, but it’s bizarre that it doesn’t actually affect any of his thoughts or actions. He’s been very passive so far.

This is more substantial than the prologue, but still ends very abruptly. We’ve barely gotten to the premise mentioned in your summary. In a full book this might work, but in a serial medium you have to be aware of your readers’ attention. I don’t think we need quite so much leadup here; we don’t even learn much about Brent’s human life, and his personality is extremely flat so far, making it hard for him to carry the slower sections. I doubt it would confuse people to skip the opening test and start right at the experiment. That would give you more space to expand this chapter and give readers more of an idea of what the story will be about.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13132737/1/For-Science

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13132823/1/Excerpt-from-Main-Story

Blocked, don’t recognize them. “Please feel free to provide constructive feedback.”

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13132839/1/Pokemon-Rainbow-Version-Rewrite

Blocked, Megaer.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13133147/1/Intervention

This is the guy who blocked me way back for pointing out it was messed up for his pokemon whisperer protagonist to see nothing wrong with the trainer system.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13133338/1/A-feelings-Of-overwhelming-pleasure-Chapter-2

Posting chapters as separate stories is against the rules, and extremely inconsiderate to other authors because it pushes their stories off the front page. Use the chaptering feature.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13133357/1/A-feeling-of-overwhelming-plesure-chapter-2

Posting chapters as stories: still banned. Don’t do this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13133373/1/Drew-As-You-May

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13133382/1/Into-the-Storm

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13133479/1/Pokemon-Braixen-I-choose-you-Season-One

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Script format is banned on this site, and as such this story is at risk for deletion. You should switch to prose format.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13133636/1/Futa-Hilda-s-Unova-Adventure

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13133924/1/Pokemon-VS-Zombies

Blocked, previously encountered.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13134291/1/Pokemon-Spectrum

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

[All around the world of Pokemon, people from all walks of life take the journey to find out who they are.]

Though you are correctly not capitalizing “pokemon” in the story, you did so here.

[The woman smiled, “Ah, hello. You’re Logan, right? Here for a pokemon?”]

When narration doesn’t describe how dialogue is said, it’s its own sentence and is punctuated accordingly. So this should be [The woman smiled. “Ah, hello. You’re Logan, right? Here for a pokemon?”]

[several pokémon stirred from the dens in the corners,allowing]

Missing space.

[On the serpents’ left, was a blue behemoth]

You want that apostrophe to be inside the S if you’re only talking about the one serpent, and that comma shouldn’t be there.

[I thought i told you]

Uncapitalized “I” here.

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. Everyone here is already familiar with the game’s premise and the trainer journey. What unique spin do you have on that? Start where your plot starts; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13134420/1/Bedsharing

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

[It being quite the chilly night in Alola, and Luna were at the Aether paradise]

Something seems to have been dropped here. Also, all parts of a name are capitalized, so that should be “Aether Paradise”.

[«Why are you so tense?»]

Quote marks ” are used in English.

I notice you are having a lot of problems with verb conjugation as well. Are you not a native speaker? The story content is fairly good, but the grammar errors are very distracting. I recommend getting a beta reader to help you.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13134525/1/Black-and-White

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13134712/1/Convoluted-Plans

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

Non-story content is banned on this site. Put this in an author’s note above your actual first chapter.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13134712/2/Convoluted-Plans

You can add horizontal lines through the in-site editor. That’s generally neater than writing out breaks with characters.

[The sun glared at me from it’s perch atop the sky ,shocking me awake.]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”. There is also an errant space next to the comma.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

In general, you should probably proofread or get a beta reader to help you. There are a lot of punctuation errors here.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13134880/1/This-Egg-of-Ours

Previously reviewed, not blocked.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13134949/1/Pokemon-Odyssey-Volume-1

Blocked, SnowLucario.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13135052/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Altered-Sapphire

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13135080/1/Pokemon-Kalos-Legends-Redux

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

[Tyson Pernell seemed like a regular trainer with high dreams like collecting 8 badges, entering and beating the Kalos League, defeating the Elite 4 and Champion.]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

[On the bed laid a sleeping and loudly snoring 16 year old]

You want “lay” in this case, not “laid”. English is weird like that.

[His name is Tyson, and his journey around the Kalos region starts today.]

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well.

[the blonde teen]

You want “blond”. “Blonde” is the feminine form.

[butterfly like]

This is a compound adjective, so it should be hyphenated.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[“Well, your uncle left you a going away present, so I’ll leave you to it while I wait for you to come downstairs,” Kira stated]

“Stated” doesn’t match the tone here. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever fancy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

[In here is are clothes you’re mother]

Errant “is” here, and you want “your”. “You’re” means “you are”.

[The caption; “The Kalos starting trio of Chespin, Fennekin, and Froakie. However, you can only choose one. Who will you set out with on your adventure?”]

This is improper semicolon usage. As a general rule of thumb, you should be able to replace semicolons with periods and still have the resulting sentences make sense; for instance, what I’m doing here. You want a full colon here.

[“Good thing I already made my choice,” Tyson thought]

You shouldn’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader. The narration also shouldn’t be italicized.

[“My assistants will be at the sitting area.” Tyson read out loud]

Period should be a comma here.

[One was a male]

“Male” and “female” are incredibly awkward epithets. It’s almost always better to use “man” and “woman” instead.

Talking pokemon are an enormous can of worms you shouldn’t open unless you have a very good explanation for why one group of people is being owned by another group of people.

[“OH MY ARCEUS!”]

Using Arceus in place of God sounds ridiculous and has no basis in canon. It’s fine to just use “God”.

[which made Tyson sweatdrop]

This is a visual art convention and doesn’t work in prose.

[Froakie began to walk around Tyson’s room, not knowing what to look at or to find. From his knowledge]

Are we in the froakie’s POV now? It’s very jarring to switch POV without transition, and it’s generally not a good idea to switch POVs within chapters if at all possible.

[“Wow. I didn’t expect Tyson to have all of this planned, to be honest,” Froakie thought. “He already has a dream, and a plan to do it. Not to mention, he seems to have the determination as well. But, am I the right choice for his dream?” Froakie questioned himself mentally.]

Okay, so, do you see what’s weird here? The froakie is treating himself as nothing but an extension of Tyson’s will. Does he not have dreams and plans of his own? What does he want out of this journey, beyond being the most optimal tool for Tyson? If you don’t give pokemon their own wants and opinions, there’s not much point in letting them talk and making them their own characters.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

This is a pretty solid opening. You manage to have a lot of events happening and give the main character a distinct personality. However, it’s still rather lacking from a narrative standpoint. “I want to win a sports competition” is a pretty bland motive on its own. It’s a fine setup for a video game where we will be experiencing the cool battles ourselves, but in a prose story things are going to be a little different. You haven’t done much to distinguish this from other journey fic so far. What exactly is the plot here, the unique idea that will keep the story and the readers going? What’s it about, why might people want to read it?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13132700/1/Tribal

Previously reviewed, not blocked.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13135271/1/Guide-Me

Previously reviewed, not blocked.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13135313/1/The-Curious-and-the-Shiny-New-Game-Plus

[However, there were a few flaws that some couldn’t get past, as they couldn’t identify with Shine’s quest to find Curio, since he is shown to care a lot for her as he looks back at her fondly, but the problem is, since she doesn’t get properly introduced until Chapter 3, that resulted in a lack of investment towards the story.]

Hm, I actually didn’t find that to be a big problem. Chapter 3 isn’t a very long delay, and I actually liked the hints of Shine and Curio having a history we weren’t privy to; it adds mystery, which is a good hook for early chapters.

Oh, we open with his escape, though! That’s a good change. In addition to being a more intense opening, it gives us a better idea of what’s going on.

[Tony, who was already dressed in his anti-static gear, into the bathroom where he sat down on the smooth floor and allowed his trainer to rinse him off with the shower, taking extra care to suppress his electric field.]

Ooh, that’s a nice detail. I hadn’t thought of the logistics of washing an electric-type, so it’s really cool to see that engaged with.

This scene is also a really strong opening. The cute, light domestic scene contrasts with the dark opening to show that Shine’s in a good place now, and you immediately show how good of a caretaker Tony is, also establishing that pokemon-trainer relationships here are more equal than we’re used to.

I think it’s a little weird to have pokemon speaking human language use a different format than humans speaking human language – it makes a sort of sense, in that pokemon will spend most of their time talking in pokespeech, but generally it’s clearer to the reader for a specific type of speech to be consistent across the story. Italics would be a bit disruptive for long conversations in pokespeech, though – I would maybe recommend using different symbols than quote marks? The story Amnesia by Farla, which deals heavily in pokemon translation and the differences between languages, has pokespeech in curly braces but no other formatting.

Oh, and Tony is specifically doing the documentary on GeL? I forget if that was stated in the original, but that’s a good detail. It again shows how much he cares, and ties into Shine’s own motivations – he’s now helping Tony with a cold case by tracking down Curio instead of just kinda leaving him in the lurch.

[He had quite a bit of fun teaching Bobby arithmetic and parts of the human tongue]

You haven’t mentioned Bobby yet, so this is a little confusing. It’s minor enough that it still works, but you might want to add a quick aside about who Bobby is.

[“Yes,” he said with a smile, “It suits you.”]

If you mean for this to read as “Yes. It suits you,” the narration here should end with a period. If it’s “Yes, it suits you,” the “it” should be uncapitalized. Basically, preserve the structure of the dialogue through the narrative interruption.

[ It was pointless to explain to someone of Bauble’s fleeting interest all the intricacies of the judicial system, and how there was essentially none for Pokemon, allowing the police or trainers to take matters into their own hands, for better or for worse.]

Good detail to make it clear what’s the state of things. Once again, I like that you’re engaging with this.

[the most burning question, amongst many others was]

There should be a comma before “was” here, I believe.

[without Tony’s help or anyone else in Ambrette town that knew him]

Missing capital on “Town” here.

I feel like there might be a bit too much waffling when Shine leaves the note – it’s kind of a no-brainer, but it takes him a little while to think over exactly what he should do. It might be better to streamline it – I think if you just have him leave a note, it’s pretty obvious why even without him thinking about it. There’s also a lot of second-guessing that doesn’t really go anywhere – while it is a good point that he’s staking a lot on an uncertain outcome, it might be better to just have him go for it if his second-guessing doesn’t change anything. I think it might work to put more emphasis on the time limit – if he’s certain that he has to leave immediately in order to catch Curio in time, you can justify him making rash decisions more easily.

[When he first heard of the ranches, he didn’t know what to expect with how it was organised, however]

I think this should have a semicolon in place of the comma.

[Where in Arceus’ crack did you find that much money to buy one?]

I’m not normally a fan of swearing by Arceus, but this is hilarious enough I don’t mind.

[Perhaps it was easier for humans to get slime off their clothes, but he winced at the thought of getting it stuck in his fur.]

This is really cute. I love humans being perceived from an outside perspective.

[She placed him in one of the empty backseats of the saddle which were mostly fit for humans but not Pokémon that weren’t bipedal.]

This is awkward, I think – maybe split it into two sentences?

This is excellent, and a definite improvement! You have a much stronger opening now, and more hints towards the greater plot.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13135504/1/The-master-of-aura-is-here

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

I should not have to tell you that sentences need to be capitalized. Put a bare minimum of effort into this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13135432/1/PM64-s-Third-Annual-Christmas-Special

Blocked, previously encountered.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13135633/1/One-Unusual-Aunt-s-Comfort-Vore

Blocked, previously encountered.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13135665/1/Johto-Journeys

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13136027/1/Son-of-the-Demon-King

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13135863/1/RPA-High

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13136341/1/gratitude-and-crepes

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13136523/1/Kin-of-Kalos

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13136638/1/Our-Journey-in-Kalos

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13136765/1/Witch-Path

Blocked, repost. Only 2 faves and 0 reviews, because doing that is a bad idea.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13132491/1/Harris-Kiki-and-AI

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[“Pop goes the Yungoos! Pop, pop, pop! Bwraaark!”

“Old Macdonald had three Mareep on his farm! Bwraaark!”

“The itsy, bitsy Spinarak went up the water spout! Bwraaaark!”]

Okay so, you have to remember that these are melodies, not just sayings. The cadence and syllable count of the words is crucial. “Yungoos” has the same syllables as “weasel”, so that scans, but “mareep” doesn’t match “sheep” and “spinarak” doesn’t match “spider” in the slightest. It’s not as simple as converting animal names to pokemon names – there are a lot of animals that could have matched the meaning of the sayings, but the ones that feature were chosen because they sounded nice. You should say these out loud to make sure they’re things people would actually say.

[Rudolph the Red-Nosed Deerling]

And this one – there’s a reason it’s “reindeer”. It alliterates. “Deerling” doesn’t match the cadence at all, and sounds as artificial a substitution as it is.

[one of the few people he trusts the most]

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well.

[the little bird kept avoid the beams mid-air,]

Dropped an “ing” here.

[chase-the Chatot-with-lasers]

Missing hyphen.

[He knew how scary girls were when they lost their temper – the two females in his house proved it.]

Please do not ever use “females” as an epithet. It is creepy, objectifying, and awkward-sounding.

[“Sorry isn’t enough!” The girl yelled back]

Errant capital here.

[Lauren was silent for a while for she mused out loud.]

Something seems to have been dropped in this sentence. “Mused” also already means “to think out loud”, so “mused out loud” is redundant.

[surged straight towards Kiki who barely had time to get out of the way]

This needs a comma before “who”.

This is a decent opening, though a bit slow. This would probably be okay for a regular book, but in a serial medium, you can’t take for granted that readers are going to come back for the second chapter. For that reason, first-chapter cliffhangers actually accomplish the opposite intended effect. We need to know the premise of your story to get invested in it. I presume this character will be very important, so it’s a good idea to show the readers what they’re like as soon as possible.

The battle was quite decent as well. I liked the creativity of the moves and the use of environmental factors.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13133056/1/Last-Ditch-Effort

[Colette traced the grades on the report card- A, A, A, F, B, B, A- and]

Using hyphens without spaces in place of dashes is confusing. To avoid people thinking you’re hyphenating words, you should put spaces around the hyphen, or use a double dash.

[In Chemistry]

Subject names aren’t capitalized (unless it’s English, since that’s a proper noun).

[Everyone was taught from childhood not to go out on Routes without some kind of Pokemon. Colette had researched this for her debate club: it wasn’t actually illegal to go through the gates without one, or to go through the gates under false pretenses. It was assumed that people had too much common sense for that.]

Haha wow. The sad part is I can’t even say this sounds unrealistic.

Colette’s act is clever, too. I don’t think I’d be quick-witted enough to pull that off so quickly.

[Did catching a Pokemon even make it obey you automatically?]

I would think a child prodigy ought to know the answer to that. She was studying to be a pokemon professor and she doesn’t know how pokeballs work?

[And does anyone know how to keep the em dash on this website? Every time I save it cuts it down to a single ‘-‘ and it’s really inconvenient.]

Nuts, really? FFN is garbage and its stripped symbols change practically every week. You could try crossposting to AO3, or just admitting defeat and sticking to a single hyphen.

This was quite good. The opening made me squirm a little, as it was… rather relatable. Even with the excuse of her anxiety, though, her behavior still seems amazingly stupid – it could reasonably be justified as her being a teenage idiot, but still, how did she have no plan for getting a pokemon, the most crucial step of the journey? It felt a bit too convenient that a savior just shows up out of nowhere – did it hear her calling earlier? Still, I do like that you’re giving her such an underused pokemon for a starter – it implies that this is going to feature clever and interesting battles where she must use her limited resources to their fullest potential.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13136323/1/A-Game-of-Fox-Mouse

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

Your first line got duplicated somehow.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You’re dropping a lot of commas, which makes this hard to follow. I recommend reading up on comma usage and sentence structure.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13135970/1/Man-Imprisoned-After-Tough-Life-in-The-Sewers

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Trolling is supposed to be entertaining. I don’t see what the point of this is.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13135896/1/Rocket-Power-Chronicles-of-Giovanni

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

[To get into the psyche of one of the worlds most unethical and immoral criminals and read some of the unknown stories of team rocket. From the origins of team rocket, the creation of mew two, and the deal that built the lavender town radio tower, Giovanni himself will narrate the journey. It will be a series of short stories not in a particular order, all interconnected.]

Missing apostrophe in “world’s”, “Mewtwo” should be one word, and “Team Rocket” and “Lavender Town” should be capitalized, as they’re names.

[Many smoke the drug that is the all mighty god arceus, seeking him for forgiveness, and guidance]

No, they don’t. There’s no evidence of any Arceus worship in canon and it’s not the Judeo-Christian God regardless. Not everything has to look exactly like your culture.

This all seems a bit high-minded for Giovanni. He’s the one team leader without any grand plan or philosophy; he just wants money and power. There are certainly still interesting motivations you can add within that framework, but “I want to become God” seems a little much for a humble mob boss. Lysandre or Cyrus would be a better fit if this is the direction you want to go in.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13135808/1/Cloud-Gathering

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing the word “pokemon” itself. However, you shouldn’t capitalize species names either, for the same reasons.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[Brian panted holding tightly onto his Pidgeot]

This needs a comma after “panted”. You have several errors like this throughout, and it makes some sentences hard to follow. I recommend reading up on comma usage and sentence structure, or getting a beta reader to help you.

I’m not too fond of using the term “legendaries” in fic. It’s very much a fandom term, as it’s a shorthand for the canon term “legendary pokemon”. It’s also much too general given the actual range of power of legendaries. Legendaries like latios seem to be merely rare beasts, while legendaries like Kyogre are gods.

I like that you’re starting with an established trainer and nonstandard motivation, but this is still a little short for a first chapter.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13136847/1/The-adventures-of-Julia-Mayberg

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

Your title needs to be fully capitalized. You might also want to pick a more original one. There are quite literally thousands of titles in this category that are variations on, if not identical to, this one.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

Not using paragraphs makes me not want to read your story. You desperately need to slow down and plan out what you actually want to say here. I recommend getting a beta reader to help you.

Got blocked in-between writing this and submitting it.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13136704/1/Corrupted-Love

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

[(I’m going to keep the cast OC so no characters from the anime or games sorrys)]

Due to limited summary real estate, it’s generally better to put this kind of information in your author’s note and use this space to talk more about the story instead.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

Centering all your text makes it hard to read.

I should not have to tell you that sentences and “I” need to be capitalized. Put a bare minimum of effort into this.