[23] The Other Pokereviews, Part 64

Today we have a SYOC fic with a ridiculously detailed form but no story content, a short fic about Hau with a conspicuous absence of Lillie, and Pokemon Revolution.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12593157/1/Against-All-Odds

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[Go use mom and dad’s bathroom!]

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12593306/1/Where-The-Heart-Truly-Is

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12593583/1/betrayal-high

Your title isn’t capitalized.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

This is completely incoherent. Try harder.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12593786/1/One-Life-Stolen-Another-One-Granted

[After getting second at the Kalos league, ash]

His name is a name and should therefore be capitalized.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

[Author: Hi everyone! This my first fanfic, so if it’stnot 1,000,000% good… there’s your reason.

Diance: Author! We are ready to start the intro!

Author: Oh hi guys I just started.

Magby: What? What did you say without us?

Author: Just look. Its like 4 lines above your speech.

Miltank: Ah whatever. The author here is very strictly age appropriate. The one and only reason for the T rating is violence and to be safe over this sites staff.

Diance: Yes. I fully refuse to swear. Wait am I even in this fanfic?

Author: Umm… Maybe?

Diance: If you don’t put me in the fanfic I will pour maple syrup in your shoes.

Author: Of course you are? Why on earth wouldn’t you be?

Diance: Thought so.]

This is not nearly as clever or original as you think it is. Your readers want to read your story. Get to the point.

[Post Kalos league]

This is jarring; it’s better to use generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be clear from context or narration.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

Also, all sentences need to end in punctuation, not just some of them. You need to proofread your story more thoroughly.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12593956/1/A-Different-Change

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part <i>is</i> considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12593958/1/Traveling-to-the-Light

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part is considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12593617/1/PoKeMoN-D-E-M-O-N-A-N-D-A-N-G-E-L

[As some of you may have figured it out by now, all the 15 OCs will have a starter unique to them – no OCs will have two same starters, of course.]

This is a good idea in theory, but a bad one in practice. It’s not fair to people to have their character rejected for a minor detail just because someone already claimed dibs without their knowledge. If you want very specific character setups like this, you should really be making your own OCs.

[I understand everyone loves and wants strong Pokemon but it’s impossible, especially for young Academy students, to have a team of incredibly strong pseudo-legendaries or Dragons. Yes, you can have a personal fascination for a single type but you also have to see how rare they are – amassing a full Dragon Party will take you a few years at the least. I want to see a balance of what people consider “weak, common Pokemon” and “strong” Pokemon so I’m limiting pseudo-legendaries to one in a party (this includes Dragonite, Tyranitar, Salamence, Metagross, Garchomp and Hydreigon) and Dragon types to two in a party.]

This is the wrong way of approaching this. If you need a specific power level for the characters to work in the story, you don’t need to make any compromises or concessions to the people with overpowered Mary Sues, and in fact it’s a lot clearer and easier if you say straight-up what power bracket you want. From there, the onus should be on the submitters to justify their level within that bracket. It’s possible to justify having an overpowered pokemon with backstory, or counterbalance it with some disadvantage like disobedience or a major character flaw in the trainer themselves.

[Ashworthe Academy is the most respected and elite Pokemon Academy in the whole region]

This, too, limits character possibilities to an unreasonable extreme. You say you want diverse and imperfect characters, but there aren’t a lot of ways to build “child prodigy suma cum laude”, and a lot of them are probably going to look like Mary Sues – either they got the highest position in the country legitimately, in which case they’re a supergenius, or they got it despite huge disadvantages, in which case they’re absurdly lucky.

[The top 15 students will be divided into five groups of three members each and leave on different routes – however, each student will have the same goal. Collect eight badges and take the League challenge – the top four finalists will battle the Elite Four and the winners will then proceed to battle each other before finally making it to the Champion. The teams will have to travel on their journey together and will be out of the competition if they leave their team or travel alone.]

Nor does your plot give us anything interesting to engage with or leverage. The standard badge quest is not a plot. It’s interesting in the games because gameplay milestones are inherently interesting in a game. It’s not the same in a story. Recall how many sideplots the anime introduced. This has a much deeper explanation: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/143219856/1/Actually-Writing-an-OT-Fic-Part-1

Perhaps you are going to have some interesting twist on the formula, but if you are, you need to tell your submitters that. You can’t withhold information from the people who are going to be populating the story, that’s just going to get you boring and unsuitable characters.

From this and everything else (especially the extremely detailed submission forms), it really sounds like you have specific ideas for what kinds of characters you want and should be making the characters yourself, especially when this is set in your own special region that nobody knows anything about other than what you’ve chosen to share (which isn’t enough, in the same way there’s a world of difference between reading about a country in a pamphlet and actually living there). I strongly recommend reading this thread: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142912324/1/Stop-Asking-For-OCs

[Orientals]

Also, this term is considered racially insensitive to a lot of people. “Asian” is more accepted.

[The land of Novus is a vast and highly diverse land located between Unova and Kalos]

…So it’s Spain, then? Look at a map of Kalos. It’s literally France. Real-world geography seems to hold constant for the pokeworld.

Finally: Non-story chapters are banned on this site. You need to include some story content. This is doubly important in a SYOC, because a page of plot and themes is worth an encyclopedia of setting information. In a good story, characters and plot are deeply interwoven, but you can’t get that in a SYOC if submitters have no idea what the plot is.

I submitted Havan, who they loved: “If you can create such amazing characters, why don’t you support SYOCs?!” The form is something you should really see for yourself.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12593561/1/A-Champion-s-Ideal

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[Hilbert felt his brown hair moving]

It’s awkward to mix senses (tactile and visual) like this, especially because this is phrased like we’re in Hilbert’s head – do you think about what color your hair is when you feel it?

[As far as his eyes could go, he was seeing a vast area with a few people on the streets.]

This sounds like he’s literally projecting his eyeballs out over the area. “As far as his eyes could see” is the standard phrase.

[“Sure,” he nodded after a brief pause.]

When dialogue is paired with a non-speaking verb, the narration is a separate sentence, and is punctuated accordingly. So this should be [“Sure.” He nodded after a brief pause.]

[“No. It’s alright,” Hilbert interrupted.]

“Interrupted” carries a much more aggressive connotation than what you have here. This is a sign you’re overusing uncommon speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever fancy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

[And they trust you, too..]

Ellipses are always three dots, never more or less.

And okay, but why? The PC is apparently the first person to challenge N’s beliefs, but in there’s really nothing to justify that in the games; they behave like any other trainer. If you’re choosing to focus on this aspect, I expect better than what the games gave us. Why is the PC different? What is so special about them and their relationship to their pokemon?

This feels oddly sterile and detached. Perhaps that is the tone you were going for, but it seems a little dissonant. The narration feels awkward and stilted, like you were struggling to write it.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12593733/1/A-Guardians-Call

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

[When the guardian diety, Tapu Lele of Akala Island goes missing]

This needs a comma after “Tapu Lele of Akala Island”, as it’s an aside.

A new speaker means a new paragraph, even when it’s a pokemon. Not doing this makes your story very hard to follow.

This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. Start where your plot starts; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12594266/1/My-Friend-Hau

[A one-shot I wrote in the point of view of the Sun/Moon protagonist about their friend Hau, inspired by what Hau says when you beat him to defend your title as champion: “Sometimes it’s hard to be strong enough to admit that you’re weak… you know?” It’s a one-shot for now, though I have been thinking of making more stories like this and turning this into a series of mini-stories.]

The story is simple enough that this is a workable summary, but this information is more suited for the author’s note. Typically, summaries detail what is in the story itself.

[It wasn’t exactly the word that comes to mind when people think of Hau.]

The rest of the story is in present tense, so this should be as well.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[I was a stupid, stubborn, loner, pessimist.]

This sounds like the narrator is saying they were a stupid. If the leading words are meant to modify “pessimist”, the last comma needs to be dropped; changing it to “I was stupid, stubborn, a loner, a pessimist” would also work, if they’re just listing off traits rapid-fire.

[He let me choose first. Then he chose Rowlet. He saw me choose the fire type and then he picks the grass type.]

That’s… not actually what happens. Hau already has a starter before you come to Alola.

[For example when I first moved to Alola]

This needs a comma after “example”.

[Ha was always happy]

[Someone like hi]

Typos here.

This is sweet, but I feel like it leaves Lillie as an elephant in the room. She’s not as encouraging as Hau, but she has many of the same traits, and even moreso – she’s able to be strong and supportive without being a trainer at all, and she meets the PC before Hau. I know the point of this was to focus on Hau, but I’m still disappointed she was left out.

I’m also not entirely sure this reading of Hau is accurate… He’s not actually totally carefree; he can’t afford to be, because as the kahuna’s successor he has to eventually be strong and take things seriously. His carefree attitude is a coping mechanism he uses to distract himself from everyone’s expectations for him.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12594505/1/A-Touch-Of-Justice

[Damos was regular human, a giver at that. He tried his best to keep peace with the Pokemon and Human alike, he was a lover not a fighter. That was what he was born to do, but one day a pokemom. A strange yet powerful pokemom came from the sky’s above and saved Damos and the Pokemon’s and humans, the day Arceus and Damos met and formed a bond. Damos was given the a touch of justice.]

This is word salad. I have no idea what your jargon means. You need to make this clearer. (Also, your second sentence is a comma splice. You need to split the sentence in two or use a different transition.)

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[Speaking:

“Regular Talk”

‘Thinking’

“Telepathy”]

I guarantee you do not need this key. If basic actions aren’t obvious from context, you’re doing something wrong. (Using bold for any regular action is also a bad idea, as it’s very jarring in prose.)

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

This is really jumbled and hard to follow. I strongly recommend getting a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12594687/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Mystery-Dungeon-Aqua-Sword

[This is my first fanfiction so there will be mistakes and it would be a huge help if you pointed out mistakes and gave me advice on how to improve as a writer.]

This information should go in your author’s note. The summary should be about the story itself.

[???’s pov]

You don’t need to label POVs when they’re obvious from context. It’s especially pointless for mystery POVs.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

This is far too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. See here for more information: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

This is generally hard to follow. You need to read up on sentence structure and get a beta reader. Start looking here: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Signup

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12595154/1/Alolan-Fun

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

[2 years]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12595870/1/You-Can-Never-Truly-Escape-Your-Past

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

[4 years]

In prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12595950/1/The-adventures-of-Red-Ketchum-the-Kaiju-battler

Your title isn’t fully capitalized.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Your line breaks are odd. Since FFN doesn’t let you use tabs, common practice is to separate paragraphs with double spaces. This prevents your story from looking like a wall of text.

Not capitalizing “I” makes me not want to read your story. Try harder.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12596051/1/endgame

Please make a more informative summary. Only giving the reader a vague, abstract summary open to many interpretations is very frustrating.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12596594/1/Story-000-Ashura-UpRising

[Delia and Red give birth to a child, but because red is an enemy to Giovanni’s organization he has them both killed. Delia runs away but ends up sacrificing herself to save her son who was Seriously injured in the escape.]

“Red” needs to be capitalized, “Seriously” should not. This is also breathless; you need to read up on comma usage.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Not using punctuation makes me not want to read your story. Try harder.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12596596/1/Dialed-Back

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

This belongs in the Anime world. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

[(?)]

This is jarring; it’s better to use generalized scene transitions. Time and place should be clear from context or narration.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[“Why are you doing this for me?” Ash questioned.]

“Questioned” is what police do; it’s a synonym for “interrogated”, not “asked”.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12597921/1/the-story-of-my-life

This is completely incoherent. Try harder.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12597495/1/Gone-Rogue

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

Centering text makes it difficult to read.

[who’s Pokemon]

“Whose”. “Who’s” means “who is”.

[After the his parents died]

Extra word here.

[“We will do whatever is necessary to ensure our freedom. Believe me, I didn’t want it to be like this, either, but it occurred to me that it’s about time we rose up against our captors, taking us from our families and forcing us to battle just to impress others or fight battles that humans could be fighting themselves.”

Victor couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He thought Jules loved him. He treated her so kindly, and all of a sudden she turned on him? That didn’t seem right to him…]

…Well, that ended abruptly. Anyway, she’s totally right, especially if pokemon can talk and humans still enslave them knowing they’re fully sapient beings. I support the pokemon revolution 110%. There is actually a story called “Pokemon Revolution” with the same premise; you might be interested in checking it out.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12598096/1/Legends-untold

Your title isn’t fully capitalized.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. In English, Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12598188/1/Pokemon-The-Blazing-Journey-volume-1-opening-1

This is a mess. This archive is for prose, not screenwriting.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12598877/1/Legends-retold

Don’t delete and repost just to get rid of a review you don’t like. It’s childish and just gets you the same review again.

Your title isn’t fully capitalized.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. In English, Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello”, she said] or [“Hello” she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn’t already been addressed.

15 Comments

  1. CrazyEd says:
    I submitted Havan, who they loved: “If you can create such amazing characters, why don’t you support SYOCs?!” The form is something you should really see for yourself.

    I can’t wait until the Pokeauthors update where you respond to this. I would have absolutely no clue how to answer this question. I’m the kind of guy who, if told to just make a standalone character without having a plot in mind for them, would make some some super nuanced character with a book’s worth of backstory and then spend the entire fic gritting my teeth over every little mistake the author makes in characterizing them.

    I have spent way too long as a GM.




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    1. indiscretion says:
      Isn’t GMing more of controlling the world while other players interact with it with their own characters?

      Or, I’ve only tried dnd before and that’s how it went with my fellows.




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      1. CrazyEd says:
        The world is full of a lot of people, each with their own backstories and motivations.



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    2. The answer’s actually pretty simple: because nobody uses them properly.  What I’m really submitting with my characters are concepts and themes, but all anyone pays attention to are the surface traits. This is another reason why SYOC is bad.

      I actually did just come out and say what I wanted Havan’s thematic contribution to be for this one because I’m so fed up with this, but updates have predictably stalled so we’ll have to wait for the results.




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      1. CrazyEd says:
        That’s not actually the part I was wondering about. I was trying to figure out why the author would assume that, just because someone is good at character design, that person would support SYOCs. Like… my question was about the question itself, not your answer to it, if that makes sense?

        I’m way better at making characters than plot, but not really big on the idea of using other people’s characters in the first place. Like, at all. If I was to use canon characters for serial fanfiction, it’d probably be the most absolutely minor of characters, who have so little characterization that I could give them basically any personality and not contradict canon. I just don’t see the point of taking a setting from a published work and then characters from other people. What is the author contributing themselves, then?

        I think this is the kind of thing that’s given fanfiction a reputation for being written by lazy people who just want to mush two dolls with the same names as their favourite characters together and make them kiss.

        I dunno, man, it really feels like the more I dip my toes into the pool of fanfiction, the more I think “this is completely missing the point of derivative works” and “even I could do better than this”, and the closer I get to actually doing it. And I’m like 85% to actually publishing something. That’s how close I am. One drabble concept to write, and a tenth and final drabble to do.

        And I don’t even think what I wrote was particularly any good. The only merit they have, in my opinion, is that they’re all drabbles of precisely 100 words and not just “a scene that’s a few hundred or so I dunno it’s short”. Oh, and a cute princess. But every canon character’s actions are based on how they act in canon as much as absolutely possible (or, at the very least, don’t contradict them… except for the one action that makes it alt history).




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        1. And I don’t even think what I wrote was particularly any good.

          Gaze upon what other people think are “any good”, and let your shame melt away. Even if you think your story is terrible, there’s bound to be at least one person who likes it, and only by writing can you improve.




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          1. CrazyEd says:
            True. I think a lot of my perceived lack of quality is because of the lack of wordcount. There’s just really not that much you can do with 100 words. It’s things like cutting out small bits of sentences just to trim down 105 to 100 that make me feel like they’re a lot choppier than they are and stuff like that and that kind of stuff.

            That said, I don’t think they’re absolutely abhorrent or anything. They’re just kinda… what they are. They’re not genius or anything, they’re just… you know. Not… you know.

            I just didn’t want it to sound like I was some kinda genius who knew how to fix fanfiction forever in just 1,000 words. I just don’t think my 1,000 words are making it worse, that’s all.




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            1. Drabbles are really hard! Maybe fixed-wordcount challenges just aren’t your forte. I myself am unable to say anything in less than ten thousand words. Embrace wherever your muse takes you.




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            2. CrazyEd says:
              Yeah, that’s why I intentionally picked a very limited wordcount. With the “write ten drabbles, and post them” goal, I had a definite “okay, you’ve done enough writing, time to post” place. It’s just 1000 words, and I’ve already got 900 of them. One more to go!

              Like I said previously, I think 300 – 500 word vignettes would be best for me. It’s a bit of space to stretch, but not so much space that it becomes 100,000 words of cute anime girls being cute anime girls at each other. Without an intentionally constrained wordcount, I meander through conversations worse than Bakemonogatari (without the clever deep themes or tricky wordplay). I’ve got to stick to a point with ~400 words.

              My muse is pretty lowest common denominator anime bullshit, unfortunately. Trust me, you don’t want me to follow my muse. She probably looks like a big-titty pink-haired catgirl in a sling bikini or something shameful like that.

              I actually went further than a summary and read an actual fanfiction a few days ago. It was the girls of K-On playing the shooter MMO from SAO2. I chose to read that. No one made me do it. And it wasn’t that bad.

              I am a monster.




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            3. CrazyEd says:
              This is actually a better description of my fanfiction writing muse than any actual muse I might have. My desire to write fanfic is powered mostly by spite. I chose to write my ASoIaF drabbles instead of reviewing the fanfic the way you do because so few people actually write it on AOOO. It’s all just original fiction with trappings of ASoIaF.

              When I write my summary, I’ll be totally upfront and say it’s a setting where Rhaegar became king after the Tourney at Harrenhal and everything is happy to justify why they’re all cute slice of life drabbles instead of gloom and doom everywhere, but the canon characters I used are as in character as I could make them (given the constraints of the format and the sheer lack of primary source material describing almost all the canon characters I used).




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      2. illhousen says:

        So, is your new policy to outright tell people what your characters are useful for, themes-wise? Well, if anything, it sould be interesting to watch the results.




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        1. Unfortunately, I can’t do this for most of them. Most of my characters are jabs at authors’ assumptions and prejudices, so they’re going to act differently if I tell them that, say, Kidra is a test to see if they’ll demonize an otherwise good person just for being flirty.




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          1. Hinebras says:
            Yeah, I figured there was a catch when reading the Character Bio thread. Though, it has the side-effect of adding an extra layer of depth to those charas and, if they were written with the intended approach, they will subvert the readers’ expectations. 



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          2. illhousen says:

            That’s understandable.

            How’s the next charapost coming along, by the way? Any particularly memorable character moments so far?




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            1. There’s been an utter dearth of SYOC fic. I cheekily claimed the last one was the end of a cycle but there’s just been nothing for months. There have been a few — you can check the collector — but this is the only one that hasn’t been dead on arrival.

              (That one about the chosen guardians has also kept going, but Kidra hasn’t appeared again yet.)

              Edit: Oh, actually, I just checked the next post and I think I do actually have enough to post. I was waiting for Guardians to update again but it looks like it’ll be a while before Kidra shows up again, so what the hey, I’ll just post it.




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