An interesting story playing on the replacement of Kris with Lyra. Some okayish openings otherwise.

Anime: 11, plus one manga fic.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13125005/1/Broken-Towns

[only the scratches of the hard wax against the paper, the wind rustling through the trees of their forest hideout and marill’s snores are heard in these rare moments of silence between the two.]

Missing comma, and if “marill” is the pokemon’s name, it should be capitalized.

[the sky takes upon a golden hue]

That phrasing sounds strange – “upon” usually requires a self-referential subject, like “upon itself”. “Takes on a…” is how it’s normally phrased.

[She gaps at him]

Typo.

[He maniacal laughs]

And that should probably be “his”.

[There it was again. She shook her head and put one foot in front of the other.]

Slipping into past tense here. You do this a few other times throughout.

[Outside in the open world, she free.]

Typo.

[” One of the games this piece was in]

Extra space.

[“I’m sorry, Ethan”.]

Punctuation’s outside the quotes here.

Huh, this is an interesting concept. I never really thought about the differences between Kris and Lyra, but it’s neat to think about it in metatextual terms. Curious to see where you’re going with this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13125109/1/Legendary-Master

Non-story chapters are banned on this site. This should go above your first chapter. Since there’s no story content, I can’t really comment on anything here.

I guarantee you do not need a speech key. If basic actions aren’t obvious from context, something has gone more wrong than a key can fix.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

[whether or not they will be anthros will be decided]

If you’re planning to make them the “humans in fursuits” kind of anthro, I’d recommend switching to a visual medium, such as comics, since it’s the appearance that will matter.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13125180/1/Patchwork

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13125280/1/Killer-Queen

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13125474/1/D-D-Pokemon-Adventure

Non-story chapters are banned on this site. If you want to post your rulebook, that’s better suited to a forum post or meta site. This can also go above your first chapter if you believe readers will be confused without it, but it can’t stand on its own.

[Its just a pokemon D&D Home-brew that takes place in the sinnoh region that 4 adults decided to record what happens.]

“Pokemon” should be capitalized here, as it refers to the franchise. You shouldn’t capitalize pokemon names within the story, however, since they’re used as common nouns. “Sinnoh” should also be capitalized, and in prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

Since there’s no story content, I can’t really say anything more.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13125547/1/Steve-s-Sidestory

Blocked, that really whiny guy who threw a tantrum and reviewed his own story to insist I didn’t know what I was talking about.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13125555/1/Pokemon-AU

Blocked, don’t recognize them. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13125815/1/Red-The-Beginning

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

[Finally receiving his trainer license. Red begins his journey to fulfill his destiny and setting the foundation for future generations.]

The period here should be a comma.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[making it’s journey]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

[A 16 year old boy]

I don’t understand why you’re aging him up? If a ten-year-old can handle the challenges of the journey, there is absolutely no question that a 16-year-old can, and that means there’s not going to be any tension for this story. Difficulties and complications are what stories are made of.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[Don’t forgot this]

Typo.

This is too insubstantial for a first chapter. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. We haven’t even reached the start of the journey, the thing this story is going to be about. Start where your plot starts; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13126041/1/Shattered-Peace

Blocked, new user.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13126210/1/Just-another-day-a-Flareon-s-thoughts-and-actions

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13126407/1/Rising-From-Ashes

Blocked, previously reviewed. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13126871/1/Eternal-friendship

Blocked, don’t recognize them. “I accept criticism but do not condone bullying.”

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13126885/1/The-White-Aura

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

Bolding attack names looks really weird. Fanfic is a less rigid version of the games, not more.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[Yes mother…]

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

[Next Day]

This isn’t a video game. You should establish time and place through context or narration. Non-general scene transitions are jarring.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13127379/1/the-invite

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

I guarantee you do not need a speech key. If basic actions aren’t obvious from context, something has gone more wrong than a key can fix.

I should not have to tell you to use capital letters. It is incredibly insulting to your readers you thought this was acceptable to post. Put a bare minimum of effort into this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13127417/1/Unintentional

Blocked, previously reviewed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13127876/1/A-Pokemon-Thanksgiving

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

“Thanksgiving” is a proper noun and should be capitalized.

[“oh great~ now help me tidy up the place, ok?]

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced “ock”, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok. Dialogue also needs to start with a capital, just like any other sentence.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13127988/1/Thunderous-Consequences

Previously reviewed, not blocked.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13127997/1/Vigilante-Side-Mission

Series, not blocked.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13128017/1/TESTtA-Encyclopedia

Non-story entries are banned on this site. This belongs in a forum post, or in an author’s note above your story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13128215/1/Strange-Region

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym. Or adventure.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[She asked in a cheery voice]

This sentence is missing punctuation. You make this error a few other times throughout.

You’re also dropping a lot of commas and making other mistakes that make this hard to follow. I recommend getting a beta reader to help you.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13128401/1/Hellbound-Dollhouse-Ch1-a-pokemon-horror-fanfiction

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

[The 16 years-old]

You want “16-year-old”. “Years old” would make more sense, but English laughs at consistency.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[“Anyway, Alex interrupted]

Missing endquote here.

This ends rather abruptly. It’s a good idea to have some action happen in the first chapter, and not just setup. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. Start where your plot starts; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13128453/1/Lumiose-Pyroar-s-High-School

I’m just going to point out that the person attacking me has been repeatedly told by the authors they warn that the drama they bring is more hated than anything I have ever done, yet they continue doing it. And yes, they are going to mob this story with more sockpuppets and more drama, with signed reviews you can’t delete. More explanation is linked on my profile, for the curious.

Anyway. I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[“Thanks mom, but why did you wake me up so early.” Ash questioned]

“Questioned” is what police do; it’s a synonym for “interrogated”, not “asked”.

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[He was fourteen, and stood at five foot nine (5’9), taller than most of his age.]

Counterintuitively, giving exact measurements is actually less clear to readers, because most people don’t have a clear mental image of what it means. “Taller than most of his age” would be fine description on its own.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13128856/1/Submit-your-OCs-for-The-Mirage-of-Hell

I’m just going to point out that the person attacking me has been repeatedly told by the authors they warn that the drama they bring is more hated than anything I have ever done, yet they continue doing it. And yes, they are going to mob this story with more sockpuppets and more drama, with signed reviews you can’t delete. More explanation is linked on my profile, for the curious.

Non-story entries are banned on this site, including teasers. Adding one just so you don’t get deleted is not only asinine, it will still get you deleted. Put this in a forum thread instead of cluttering up the archive.

Even aside from that… Look, you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. It might seem like it’s harder to think up characters than have someone else do it for you, but it’s actually far more work to try to figure out how to write a random batch of personalities and backstories, then figure out how you can make them fit into your story and get along with each other. If you make up characters based on what you need for your story, it’s not only a much better story for it, it’s easier to do. Almost all SYOC stories end up never updating, those that do often die after a chapter or two, and even the ones that continue a bit longer are plagued by meandering non-plots and characters who don’t seem to have any point to their scenes. If you just want general inspiration, it’s better to check out lists of public OCs and find ones that you know will work well with the story. Here’s one: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/128021680/1/Character-Bio-Thread

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13128884/1/Forgotten-Past-Unknown-Future

I’m just going to point out that the person attacking me has been repeatedly told by the authors they warn that the drama they bring is more hated than anything I have ever done, yet they continue doing it. And yes, they are going to mob this story with more sockpuppets and more drama, with signed reviews you can’t delete. More explanation is linked on my profile, for the curious.

Anyway, hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

[The last thing I heard was a Roar]

“Roar” shouldn’t be capitalized here.

[I’m not sure where i am]

Uncapitalized “I” here.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

[The only thoughts remaining in my mind are that of apology and regret, I am sorry for the harm that I’ve caused to the time stream]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

[no one I once knew on earth]

When referring to the whole planet, “Earth” is capitalized.

[Except the Gods]

Generally, if there’s an article in front of something, it shouldn’t be capitalized.

This is a pretty passage, but it tells us very little about the story, and thus fails as an opening. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show. You have no guarantee people will continue past this point. Can you give us some idea of why we might want to keep reading? What’s the story about?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13128769/1/Truth-or-Dare

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13128875/1/Team-Rocket-s-hostage

Blocked, Unknown Meloetta Lover.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13129227/1/Pokemon-Adventures-Kanto-League

Blocked, looks vaguely familiar.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13129249/1/Randomness-With-the-Dexholders

I’m just going to point out that the person attacking me has been repeatedly told by the authors they warn that the drama they bring is more hated than anything I have ever done, yet they continue doing it. And yes, they are going to mob this story with more sockpuppets and more drama, with signed reviews you can’t delete. More explanation is linked on my profile, for the curious.

I don’t read the manga, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as manga fic so people searching for manga fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

This is really messy and full of distracting errors. You should get a beta reader to help you if you have trouble with grammar.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13129580/1/Pokemon-Black-and-White-Idealistic-Dreams

Blocked, previously encountered. Anime.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13129660/1/Witch-Path

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

I’m not clear what this has to do with Pokemon. This looks like an original fantasy story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13129726/1/Adventure-Begins-Here

I’m just going to point out that the person attacking me has been repeatedly told by the authors they warn that the drama they bring is more hated than anything I have ever done, yet they continue doing it. And yes, they are going to mob this story with more sockpuppets and more drama, with signed reviews you can’t delete. More explanation is linked on my profile, for the curious.

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[so training Pokémon maybe the only chance she’ll get to do it]

Should that be “training pokemon is maybe…”?

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

Titling chapters in the story itself looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[pidges flew over]

?

[most of they’re lives]

You want “their”. “They’re” means “they are”.

[with short bobbed blonde hair and blue eyes, she also wore a beautiful blue flowery dress with flowers coloured pink]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

[She smiled as she opened the windows of the small cottage open, “Ah]

When narration doesn’t describe how something is said, it’s its own sentence and is punctuated accordingly. So this should be [She smiled as she opened the windows of the small cottage open. “Ah]

[If you don’t get up, you’ll miss you’re chance to pick a Pokémon at Professor Oaks lab!”]

Missing possessive apostrophe, and that’s not actually the normal way for Pallet kids to get starters. Ash and Red only get a pokemon from Oak because they’re friends with his grandson, and even then he has to do a favor for him first. Elm is the one who hands out starters to everyone, so if you want this opening, you should set the story in Johto.

[I’m up mum]

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

This is a decent opening, but I’m not totally clear on the premise – we see lots of adults throughout the cities who aren’t trainers, so it is clearly possible to travel without pokemon. I’m sure there is public transportation or rental protection people can purchase; their society couldn’t possibly function otherwise.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13129921/1/A-Sporty-Adventure

I’m just going to point out that the person attacking me has been repeatedly told by the authors they warn that the drama they bring is more hated than anything I have ever done, yet they continue doing it. They also harass people when they don’t block me or even when they are just too busy to respond. And yes, they are going to mob this story with more sockpuppets and more drama, with signed reviews you can’t delete. More explanation is linked on my profile, for the curious.

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

[Ash’s lineup of Pokémon

Pikachu

Heracross

Glalie

Swellow

Totodile

Greninja]

If this information is necessary, it can come up in the story.

[He was also wearing his signature red cap (Kalos outfit).]

Including author’s notes in the middle of a story is not a good idea. Stories run on immersion and suspension of disbelief; interrupting the story and pointing to the wires shatters that, much like an actor breaking character in a theater production.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[are my skates ok]

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced “ock”, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13130058/1/Resurrection-Ascension

I’m just going to point out that the person attacking me has been repeatedly told by the authors they warn that the drama they bring is more hated than anything I have ever done, yet they continue doing it. They also harass people when they don’t block me or even when they are just too busy to respond. And yes, they are going to mob this story with more sockpuppets and more drama, with signed reviews you can’t delete. More explanation is linked on my profile, for the curious.

[a window whose locks prove ineffective to keeping him from completing his task]

This sounds a little awkward – “ineffective at keeping him…” maybe?

[He is blonde]

You want “blond”. “Blonde” is the feminine form.

[18 names. 10 crossed out. 8 more to go.]

Numbers must always be spelled out when they begin a sentence.

[Well… ok]

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced “ock”, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

This starts strong, but really falls apart. A chatty, baroque tone totally undermines the grave image you build up at the beginning, and I have no idea whether this is supposed to be actual story content or just a trailer of some kind. Even aside from that, I have no idea what this story is about in the first place. You should probably expand this first chapter to give us a better idea of whether or not this story is something your readers will be interested in; remember, you have no guarantee people will read past the first chapter.

Look, you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. It might seem like it’s harder to think up characters than have someone else do it for you, but it’s actually far more work to try to figure out how to write a random batch of personalities and backstories, then figure out how you can make them fit into your story and get along with each other. If you make up characters based on what you need for your story, it’s not only a much better story for it, it’s easier to do. Almost all SYOC stories end up never updating, those that do often die after a chapter or two, and even the ones that continue a bit longer are plagued by meandering non-plots and characters who don’t seem to have any point to their scenes. If you just want general inspiration, it’s better to check out lists of public OCs and find ones that you know will work well with the story. Here’s one: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/128021680/1/Character-Bio-Thread

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13130085/1/The-Rise

I’m just going to point out that the person attacking me has been repeatedly told by the authors they warn that the drama they bring is more hated than anything I have ever done, yet they continue doing it. They also harass people when they don’t block me or even when they are just too busy to respond. And yes, they are going to mob this story with more sockpuppets and more drama, with signed reviews you can’t delete. More explanation is linked on my profile, for the curious.

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

[I ain’t got no summary fo u rite now]

Then you should wait until you do. Summaries are important.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

[Crownbrook town]

All parts of a name are capitalized, so this should be “Crownbrook Town”.

I understand the urge to explain basic information to the reader to set the stage, but opening the story with a lot of exposition is actually not a good idea. Readers don’t actually need to know this stuff just yet to enjoy the story; things like how the character acts and what they’re doing matter much more in the long run. Show don’t tell, etc. This early on, you should stick to information that is immediately relevant. More minor details can come after readers have gotten invested.

[*sigh]

This isn’t a screenplay. Actions like these should be described in prose.

[“Mom, remember what I told you about a week or so ago?” I questioned.]

“Questioned” is what police do; it’s a synonym for “interrogated”, not “asked”.

[“I’m going to go on a journey, I’ll probably won’t be home for a long time.” I stated.]

“Stated” is also not a synonym for “said”. You’re overusing uncommon speech verbs. Don’t be afraid to use said; lovely word, won’t bite, usually more fitting than whatever fancy verb you’re using in its place. You may have heard to avoid said because it’s so bland and boring, but that’s actually its greatest strength. Nonstandard speech verbs stick out; they’re used for emphasis, when how something is said is important to the story and you want the reader to stop and take notice. If you use that emphasis for every single line, the reader will become oversaturated, lessening the impact when you actually do want emphasis on a speech tag.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[“Ok, bye mom.”]

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced “ock”, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

When a title (such as “mom” or “dad”) is used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13130101/1/Hi-to-k%C5%8Dri

I’m just going to point out that the person attacking me has been repeatedly told by the authors they warn that the drama they bring is more hated than anything I have ever done, yet they continue doing it. They also harass people when they don’t block me or even when they are just too busy to respond. And yes, they are going to mob this story with more sockpuppets and more drama, with signed reviews you can’t delete. More explanation is linked on my profile, for the curious.

Anyway, hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[There’s always been this prospect of good versus evil. It seems to be a tale that’s been intertwined with our humanity since the very beginning of time. Light in an eternal battle against unwavering darkness and ultimately, light and all that is good is the victor. Good always wins. We watch the movies, root for the good guys and leave the theatre satisfied knowing the guy got the girl, saved the world and will be moving on to his next “action-packed adventure”. The need for a cliche and happy ending is over and we step into the blank, vast unknown in which we perceive to be our reality. The reality where we never know which side is truly good and which is evil. We carry with us this false idea that good will always prevail in an effort to convince ourselves we have a fighting chance against our own demons. But in that thin line between good and evil, light and dark, black and white, is a streak of gray where the opposites merge and the truth is revealed.]

This is a bit muddled. The beginning of this section just emphasizes the trope of good always winning, but your conclusion tries to shift it to questioning the difference between good and evil, which is kind of a non-sequitor. If that’s the real point you want to make, it’d be stronger if you emphasized that at the start – focus on how in the stories there’s always a clear good and clear evil, rather than just talking about happy endings.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon.

[painting a picture a Smeargle would worship]

You did so here, however.

[can’t judge a book by it’s cover]

You want “its”. “It’s” always means “it is”.

[“If you practiced more like I planned you could’ve just propelled yourself back home.” Meldoy stated]

That doesn’t fit. “Stated” isn’t a synonym for “said”.

You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[Things were different now-everyone knew that.]

Using hyphens without spaces in place of dashes is confusing. To avoid people thinking you’re hyphenating words, you should put spaces around the hyphen, or use a double dash.

[He was dead, not actually but he may as well have been.]

This is awkward and just undermines the point you’re trying to make. Try to avoid “second-guessing” narration like this, as it makes the story feel waffling and uncertain. This is usually phrased more like, “He was still [breathing/walking/showing some sign of life], but he was dead all the same.”

[I looked at the sea every night Mel.]

This needs a comma before “Mel”, as it’s a direct address.

[Melody’s father struggled to lift himself up, his arms trembled as his limp legs dragged lifelessly up the bed.]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

If you use horizontal lines to separate your author’s notes, you should probably use a different marker for scene breaks, to avoid your notes looking like part of the story.

This is a good opening, but you should try to correct those grammar errors. This thread has some beta readers if you’d like one: fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Thread-Signup-or-Request

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13129916/1/Another-Chance

I’m just going to point out that the person attacking me has been repeatedly told by the authors they warn that the drama they bring is more hated than anything I have ever done, yet they continue doing it. They also harass people when they don’t block me or even when they are just too busy to respond. And yes, they are going to mob this story with more sockpuppets and more drama, with signed reviews you can’t delete. More explanation is linked on my profile, for the curious.

Anyway, hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

You can make a horizontal line through the in-site editor, which looks neater than trying to make it out of hyphens.

[at least I’m not slaving away each waking day of my life, although, some may consider being a student just that.]

The “although” is a little awkward here – “though some…” is how it’s normally phrased.

[Looking up, I spotted a large white quadruped animal from an all too familiar game. I pinched my arm as hard as I could still staring at the creature.]

Sigh.

Arceus is not the Judeo-Christian God. It just isn’t. It does absolutely nothing while a madman is abusing its children into destroying the universe literally right under its nose. It is not a nice god who cares about insignificant individuals. It could not be less suited to this role.

[the diety]

Spellcheck.

[“I think he’s good enough.” Palkia stated.]

Period should be a comma here.

I really don’t understand what the point of this opening is. If you just want to write about a trainer going on a journey, you can just write about a normal trainer. What is added by saying this one comes from our world?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13130151/1/Far-From-Home

Blocked, don’t recognize them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13130574/1/The-Extra-Companion-Indigo-League-The-Rererewritten-Version

I don’t watch the anime, so I’m not going to be able to review this story on content. Please tag your story as anime fic so people searching for anime fic can find it. Find your story under “Manage Stories” and select it from the dropdown menu that says “World: Any” in the “Category” section.

[Ages

Ash-10

Alex-10(two weeks older)

Brock-17

Misty-10(one week older)

Jessie-20

James-21

Me: I don’t own Pokemon…yet

“Human speech”

(Human thought)

“Pokemon Speech”

(Pokemon Thought/Speaking through Aura)]

You don’t need any of this. If this stuff is important, it’ll come up in the story.

It’s better if you separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story. You can do this through the in-site editor.

Generally, this is a mess. You’re missing punctuation all over and it’s making this nearly impossible to read. If you have trouble with grammar, you should get a beta reader to help you.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13130713/1/Momma-got-the-Dream-Eater

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don’t have to feel like I’m making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I’ve gotten anything wrong.

I appreciate that you’re not capitalizing pokemon. However, you shouldn’t capitalize species names either, for the same reasons.

[The first time I ever held a pokeball it was wet and covered with dirt.]

This needs a comma after “pokeball”.

[And I had no idea what to do with it.I was]

Missing space.

[finder’s keepers]

You don’t want an apostrophe there.

[Gowin up]

Typo, I think, and you want an apostrophe for “Growin'”.

[The road followed a alongside a creek]

Extra “a” here.

[The house had to have been a 100 years old or more]

This parses as “a one hundred”, which is strange. Typically, you would just put “100” with no article, or say “a hundred”. I recommend the latter, as it’s generally better to spell out numbers when possible.

[Mostly made of creeky wood.]

You want “creaky”. This is also a sentence fragment. It’s technically permissible under stream-of-consciousness standards if you want to convey an awkward storyteller, but you could fuse it with the previous or next sentence without issue.

[I swore it was broken. I wasn’t]

Should that be “It wasn’t”?

[There was an old iron stove and a fireplace, but Momma rarely lit the fireplace. Just a few crackling embers pop out and the whole house could go up like gas station toilet paper. During the humid nights of the summer, some of the fog from the swamp would drift in.]

The last sentence here is a bit of a jump – I get that the whole paragraph is describing the house, but this feels like it should have a paragraph break, because you’re abruptly shifting topics from winter to summer. Maybe add more of a transition or linker?

[That swamp just past the house is where I spent most of my free time as a kid. Any opportunity I had to get out of the house was spent there. Sure it was a musty sticky old swamp, but it was better than the house where Momma would just find endless chores for me to do. We didn’t have neighbors.]

Same here. The rest of the paragraph contextualizes why you’re bringing this up so suddenly, but it feels disjointed. Maybe try combining the sentences so it’s less fragmented? Like, “We didn’t have neighbors, and there was no TV in the house, so…”

[And I couldn’t hear and yelling]

Should that be “any yelling”?

[the sun shot it’s rays]

“Its” mixup here.

[Its back legs kick and then sturdied themselves]

You want “steadied”, and “kick” should be in past tense for consistency.

[Behind Mudkip]

Missing article here, unless you mean to say its name is Mudkip.

[Ekans uncoild itself from baby Mudkip, whom then layed on the bank ]

You want “lay” and “uncoiled”. I also don’t believe that’s a correct usage of “whom”.

[which I knew momma didn’t like]

Missing capital here. Since “Momma” is used in place of a name, it should be capitalized like one.

[Now’a days]

You want “Nowadays”, one word.

[More and more kids my age were heading off on their pokemon journies.]

You want “journeys”. Generally, -ey words keep the Y when pluralized.

[“Tell me tell me tell me tell me” I repeated]

Dialogue is missing punctuation here.

[She held it in front of me and said, “it’s for you.”]

And dialogue is always capitalized, even when there’s a lead-in.

[Once I got close enough to the house I put it in my school bad.]

Typo.

[I just remember that long blue hair of hers.]

Anime hair colors are awkward when taken out of a visual medium. In most cases they’re clearly not meant to be diegetic. Unless you mean to say she is dying her hair, it’s probably better to use a real hair color.

[She tossed the entire binder into the fire and it the fired seemed to]

Typo.

[but I don’t think I was surely not ready to see a dead body.]

This is a double negative – she’s saying she surely IS ready to see a dead body. If that’s what you meant to say, you should probably just phrase it that way, for clarity.

[It whaled something furious]

You want “wailed”. “Whale” means to hunt a whale.

[Well..Momma]

Ellipses are always three dots, never more or less.

This is a really strong opening! You do a good job of showing a character from a nonstandard background, and I particularly like how the story recognizes that the usual cliché of the parents refusing to let the kid to go on a journey is really abusive.

You really should fix those grammar errors, though, as they are very distracting. There are websites such as Grammar Girl that can help, and you can get a beta reader if you still have trouble.